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20200323 - Fall of the Imperium Ch 4 - 3636 words - Sub 15 (V)


Mandamon

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SUB 15
Chapter 4, which is the first half of the original Man intro chapter. There's a lot more action and I'm giving it a (V) for violence, though it's not too gory. Hopefully this clarifies where M and the Society are, and how this is connected to the end of the previous book. Let me know what you think!

Previously:
S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time.

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Overall

Good plot progression, and I'm much more inclined to enjoy a new POV chapter now that we've had some movement with our apprentices and time with them. The major issue was emotion--I felt like I got it from a lot of the side characters but really none from Mand at all. So many bizarre and horrifying things happened and he didn't really emote at all.

I think there is a lot of opportunity in here to really let us get into Mand, see his side, reconnect with the novella. A few more emotions could do it!

 

As I go

- pg 5: was this chapter always so tight with tension? My goodness it's excellent!

- pg 7: we don't get any emotion from Mand over the deaths, or real sense of wonder over the creatures. I need more emotion from him

- pg 8: yeah they're surveying their losses now and Mand is just business as usual. Harsh and makes it harder to get into his character

- pg 9: also lacking emotions on almost capturing one. It split in half and got away! That's cool! Emote!

- pg 11: need emotion on maybe having caused all this. GUILT!

 

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Thanks @kais!

11 hours ago, kais said:

was this chapter always so tight with tension? My goodness it's excellent!

I added a LOT more in with fighting. So much so I had to split this into two chapters!

11 hours ago, kais said:

The major issue was emotion--I felt like I got it from a lot of the side characters but really none from Mand at all.

*sigh* as usual. I think (hope) there's a little more in the next chapter, but I can go back and pump this one up too. Definitely some guilt there.

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Great chapter!

I liked the sense of danger and motion alot.

I agree with @kais that the emotional impact seems missing, unless this VP character has a cold nature and primarily sees other people as chess pieces.

For me there wasn't a strong sense of what was happening at the end. I wasn't sure if this was them running and hiding, or if this was an altered rout to accomplish something they needed to do. 

Thanks for sharing!

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Thanks @Sarah B!

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

unless this VP character has a cold nature and primarily sees other people as chess pieces.

In a sense, yes, but he also needs some more emotion.

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

For me there wasn't a strong sense of what was happening at the end.

This goes directly into the next chapter, so hopefully it will be clearer next week? Let me know if not.

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I'm going to echo the emotion thing, but not going to harp on it oo much.

What i will say is that i love the way you describe the magic. The descriptions are simple and clear but you still feel like it's a complex system that takes skill to properly manipulate.

I haven't followed from chapter one and I don't know anything from previous books so i might be interpreting this all wrong, But it seems like the council members should be powerful maji as wel, and i'd like them to put up a bit of a fight,now they feel weak. Though agin, that might be intentional.

I do like the flow of the combat, it's pretty clear whats happening, sometimes positioning isn't perfectly clear, btu I like that, it gives a sense of chaos to the fight.

All in all, I really liked this chapter! 

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This was definitely better than the previous iteration of it, and the timing is also better. I was ready to move on to a new POV and get to this facet. 

As for this chapter itself, the pacing was good. Defeating the El felt earned. 

There was a good balance of chaos and a sort of distant calm. 

However, M did seem a little numb to all the deaths. It looks like the others have already addressed this though, and I see you are planning to work on that. 

I also like the changes you made with the Ell. If i'm remembering correctly, the only chapter they spoke in was E's. It's interesting how their words seem to contradict their actions and that the E seem to disappear with the victims now. This is a little different than what happened with Eff P, right? It's been a while since I read, so I'm not sure.  It makes me wonder if they are actually killing them or just transporting them to another universe or facet. Though it is clear that P is dead, so unless they are doing something with these people than they did with him, I'm assuming it is murder and not transport. I noticed the others didn't bring this up, so maybe I'm over analyzing or letting my imagination run too far with speculation. 

Looking forward to more next week!

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Thanks @killersquid and @shatteredsmooth!

2 hours ago, killersquid said:

I'm going to echo the emotion thing, but not going to harp on it oo much.

 

1 hour ago, shatteredsmooth said:

However, M did seem a little numb to all the deaths. It looks like the others have already addressed this though, and I see you are planning to work on that.

Noted. Seems to be unanimous. There was a lot of new writing in this chapter, which is where I usually fall down on emotion, so I'm going to blame that...

2 hours ago, killersquid said:

What i will say is that i love the way you describe the magic. The descriptions are simple and clear but you still feel like it's a complex system that takes skill to properly manipulate.

Thank you! Glad it's coming across.

2 hours ago, killersquid said:

But it seems like the council members should be powerful maji as wel, and i'd like them to put up a bit of a fight,now they feel weak. Though agin, that might be intentional.

I've harped on them for a couple books now, so it's sort of a running thing. However you do have a point that they should at least be trying. I can try to show them being a bit more proactive.

1 hour ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I also like the changes you made with the Ell. If i'm remembering correctly, the only chapter they spoke in was E's. It's interesting how their words seem to contradict their actions and that the E seem to disappear with the victims now.

Glad someone brought this up! They spoke at the end of the last book, but didn't here before, so this is new. I did want it to be a question in the reader's mind as to what they are doing, so that seems to be coming across.

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Right then, comments.

(page 1)

- Hmm, no accreditation / citation for authorship of the work quoted in the epigraph? Also, I feel like I would like a diagram. (Excuse the crude rendering). So, it's something like this?

IMG_2104.thumb.JPG.7d424acd2492e3d73278b8f7e93ffb9a.JPG

- I love the first paragraph. "M strode out..." yes, I am here for M striding places. I think the word 'phalanx' nails the visual impression, the image, and finishing on the colour, and throwing us one other name is a great balance of image and information. Great start to this chapter. And there SoTH, of course. LOOOOVE SoTH.

- "The seats above were largely empty" - I struggle with this a bit. If the capacity is 110,000, 'largely empty' to me could still mean there were 10,000 people there. It sounds from the description like it's maybe closer to 'almost completely empty'?

- Thank you for the reminder of why they are here, and why they took the risk of creating an illegal portal. If anything, the higher up the page this reminder comes the better.

(page 2)

- Suggest "Some of the other maj had ranged out" - I don't think they would wait this long to range out. I think they would have started ranging out much closer to coming through the portal. These are intelligent, motivated people,. I imagine they would be confident and pretty independent, not kowtowing to Man all the time, in the smaller things anyway.

(page 3)

- "but this time there was no one to initiate the reaction" - I don't follow. They are here, the Council are here.

(page 4)

- "though if those were to bite anything, they might take as much flesh from the creature as from what it attacked" - I like the new(?) description of the creatures very much. I like the thought of them as centipedes, which I think are scarier than the other form (as I remember it).

- "Another one" - but there were two emerging, were there not? Yes, it then says 'creatures'.

- “Help her!" - I feel there is an inconsistency in this paragraph. 'He didn't care for the head of Strength, BUT the Council had seen the creatures before. These are not opposite things. I think this is a run on sentence then? Or some kind of splice.

- "The rest of the Council hadn’t moved" - At first, this sounded unlikely to me, but I could believe it if it's because they've seen these things kill before.

- "ran across the floor" - This is lame. I need to feel the threat, the danger, the murderous intent.

(page 5)

- "wall of air dripping with condensation springing up in front of him" - I did not associate this as coming from him, not until I read past it.

- "had only an instant of relief" - I struggle there with the thought that there was any relief to be taken here. It seems a very small thing that this wall blocked the beast.

- Oh, no! I actually was feeling something for the young Lob, even though he wasn't even named.

- "and—now that the threat was gone—he turned" - I suggest some confirmation that they way is clear is needed here. I know both the creatures are gone, but I think it's worth underlining that the mood has changed, or at least the urgency level has.

- Ha-ha! Well, I don't know now whether my suggestion above heightens the tension by misdirecting, or just causes confusion. Take your pick.

(page 6)

- "but as then it twisted, reaching impossibly upward" - I don't understand the phrasing here, in the first part, and then why is it impossible for it to reach, the one earlier did? 

- "defense and offense" - this sounds like the sporting term, and I think 'attack' has more agency to it, more positivity in response. 

(page 8)

- "dissolving a measure" - What is a measure, in this context? I can't picture this.

- "That leaves H and J" - that makes 5 total, but are there not 7 members of the Council, in order to get to the total of 67 delegates to the assembly?

- "we can make a prison for it" - This sort of sounds like the same idea that K and M just had.

(page 9)

- "They’ve got it" - Yay! that was a cheering moment. Nicely done. It felt really difficult, but not impossible. I like the modified take on battling with the creatures.

- "Perhaps the palace of the E" - They move on awful quickly from this moment or near success then, not success. Some acknowledgement would be nice.

(page 10)

- "the Imp was quiet, far more than usual" - Ha! Strange resonance with our own strange times.

- "The solid buildings and multiple levels of commerce made lights on their walls necessary even during the middle of the day" - I don't really follow this.

(page 12)

- There is a very nice run up to the end of the chapter with M's introspection and self-judgement, BUT I feel it's let down by the last couple of lines, which don't really have any moment to them. I would seriously consider ending on 'the Eff', and let M's thoughts of failure and dereliction echo with the reader.

Overall 

Nice job here. I like this version much better. I think with a bit more tweaking it will be very suitable as Chp 3. :)  

LBLs to follow.

<R>

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Thanks as always, @Robinski! The LBLs are very helpful.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Hmm, no accreditation / citation for authorship of the work quoted in the epigraph? Also, I feel like I would like a diagram. (Excuse the crude rendering). So, it's something like this?

You've got it! Love the diagram. Maybe I should get one done up for the cast of characters section. To make it even more complex, the Eff sits with the other speakers in a circle for the appearance of equality.

And yes, no accreditation. I'm imagining that book is like a high school textbook or something.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- I love the first paragraph.

Yay!

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "The seats above were largely empty" - I struggle with this a bit. If the capacity is 110,000, 'largely empty' to me could still mean there were 10,000 people there. It sounds from the description like it's maybe closer to 'almost completely empty'?

This pinged in my brain when I reread it too. I'll see if I can clear it up.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

I think they would have started ranging out much closer to coming through the portal.

Check.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

I like the thought of them as centipedes, which I think are scarier than the other form (as I remember it).

Good. By the way, I have a sketch from the artist for an interior illustration, and it is delightfully creepy.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Oh, no! I actually was feeling something for the young Lob, even though he wasn't even named.

Awesome. I should practice more on killing characters off ;-)

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Ha-ha! Well, I don't know now whether my suggestion above heightens the tension by misdirecting, or just causes confusion.

Lol. I was going for the instant of relaxing before things get worse.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

but are there not 7 members of the Council, in order to get to the total of 67 delegates to the assembly?

6 members of the Council. The Eff counts as #67!

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Ha! Strange resonance with our own strange times.

Really.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

BUT I feel it's let down by the last couple of lines, which don't really have any moment to them. I would seriously consider ending on 'the Eff', and let M's thoughts of failure and dereliction echo with the reader.

Yep, this seems consistent with what others have said. I'll punch up the end of chapter.

Thanks!

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12 hours ago, Mandamon said:
15 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Hmm, no accreditation / citation for authorship of the work quoted in the epigraph? Also, I feel like I would like a diagram. (Excuse the crude rendering). So, it's something like this?

You've got it! Love the diagram. Maybe I should get one done up for the cast of characters section. To make it even more complex, the Eff sits with the other speakers in a circle for the appearance of equality.

And yes, no accreditation. I'm imagining that book is like a high school textbook or something.

I picked the first, and therefore automatically the worst possible pen to do that! :lol: 

Textbook, yes, perfectly logical.

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

By the way, I have a sketch from the artist for an interior illustration, and it is delightfully creepy.

Awesome :ph34r: 

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:
15 hours ago, Robinski said:

but are there not 7 members of the Council, in order to get to the total of 67 delegates to the assembly?

6 members of the Council. The Eff counts as #67!

So, there were 5 names including the Ef, were there not? And Man makes 6, which is why I thought they were one short.

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Generally agree with others. A really good improvement on the prior version, lots more mystery and clearer action, but needs more emotion

 

As I go:

I'm feeling like I might need a reminder of why a 3-house magic user would be so powerful/bad, My first reaction to the mention of the 3 house problem was again "but if two is so good, why isn't 3 great, why are we all so scared of 3-house" even though I know better. :T

I really like the sense of mystery I'm getting from the beginning. I feel like it wasn't as spooky last time. 

Man reacting to the slugs eating the 2-house mages feels to me more like he's unhappy he's lost a resource without using it it up first, than he is upset about a human life ending. 

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Thanks @industrialistDragon!

16 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I'm feeling like I might need a reminder of why a 3-house magic user would be so powerful/bad,

I've addressed this a lot more in the last book, but I can put in another sentence or so here.

16 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Man reacting to the slugs eating the 2-house mages feels to me more like he's unhappy he's lost a resource

Yep. Will add more emotion.

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As usual, I did not read the critiques of others before I began. Little late, still catching up!

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, introduction: I really like this series of facts. You didn't state who the (I would presume) book is by, and I'm not sure if this is on purpose or a missing piece of information. I decided to write this note in case it wasn't on purpose. 

Pg 2, "its Symphony running down": Running down, or being eaten? Dun dun dun.

Pg 2, "Yet s-something has happened here": I love how T.D. stutters. I think I mentioned this before when I went through Facets. I think I have an extreme weakness for this particular species of alien. Makes me miss H.D.

Pg 2, " looking for anything to give them clues": I am going to assume that the Dome is now empty again except for the Council, so that they have no one to ask on what happened. Also, that would be an awkward conversation: "Hi there, have you seen any peculiar, OP wise men from another dimension?"

Pg 3, "a small sphere of off-white appeared": A void seed??? The beginning of a Drain??? M would recognize the bubbles of someone coming through a dimensional portal, like what he had tried to create before.

Pg 3, "This was how it started before": I knew it. Wondering the same questions as M.

Pg 4, "the off-white sphere tore": I went from going, "Drain is bad, this is a bad situation" to, "Oh snap, run run run run." I feel like an adequate example is kind of like those videos of people who are trying to get rid of one big spider, when suddenly the spider explodes into thousands of baby spiders. I am feeling that panic.

Pg 4, "mismatched teeth underneath": There was a podcast on Writing Excuses that the best horror came from the mundane, and, boy, you definitely got it. Why did it have to be giant bugs with teeth. These Elg just keep getting worse and worse. *shutters* I mean, just the word, "splatted" gives me the heebie-jeebies. 

Pg 5, "Both it and the L melted into nothing": Are they dying, or being teleported...hmmmm.

Pg 5, "The voids popped like pustules": You know, I was going to eat lunch after this chapter. Now I might not. Thanks. 

Pg 5, "One of the young [human masters]—M—ran for cover": Honestly, seeing another Terran name threw me off for a second, because my brain scrabbled with trying to remember is any other Specie M had Terran names, besides S, who is from Earth. Then I realized I didn't care enough to go double check because I had to know what happens next

Pg 6, "At his age, he didn’t have notes to waste":  One gets notes by having experiences, right? So, theoretically, could a magic user hold onto all of their notes until they are old and full of experiences, and then just...I dunno, use all the notes in a giant flurry? One massive project? This is not a question I expect an answer to, more of where my own mind was going. 

Pg 6, "The other members of the Council were running,": This right here would be me, booking it away from these horrible, nasty Elg. This seriously might be my least favorite chapter out of all three books from the simple fact that these Elg really freak me out. My stomach is churning. I blame you, @Mandamon

Pg 6, "but as then it twisted": I'd get rid of the "as."

Pg 6, "In a moment, he was gone.": Seriously, I'm only half way through this chapter!? Is everyone going to die? I might have to take a break, I'm getting stressed. 

Pg 6, "caught the...Beast": Can K be affected? Do the Elg only affect organic matter? Would they recognize K as "living?" K does run on the Symphony. So maybe K just looks like a big metal snack?

Pg 6, "M stripped excess words from his speech.": Smart man. Time is of the essence if someone is going to survive.

Pg 7, "of course couldn’t hear any of the notes his friend changed": Unlike I and E. I like this part. It is giving me a nice moment to catch my breath before we jump back into the action. Good timing, since I was seriously tempted to put this aside for a moment and go pet my roommate's cat until my heartbeat lowered. It is way too easy for me to get sucked into a book. This is why I avoid grimdark fantasy, not to mention horror.

Pg 7, "staggered back and to the side, shaking its fin.": HA! Take that, you overgrown centipede!

Pg 8, "Each void seemed to contain two or three of them.": God forbid we ever get a portal scene like in Avengers: Endgame but of these buggers. 

Pg 8, "we assume he’d dead as well": Change to "he's dead."

Pg 8, "We should trap it for study,": Logically, I agree. Emotionally, I say that killing it is just as good of a science experiment. 

Pg 9, "the creature ripped its front half free,": I verbally cursed here. 

Pg 9, "leaving a trail of purple chunks of flesh": I'm officially having lunch later.

Pg 9, "They both halves of the creature shuddered": Fix to "Then both halves." Noted: Elg can split in half for a short period of time for a last second suicide attack. 

Pg 10, "Surely he or his staff will know what is happening": This isn't going to be a fun conversation.

Pg 10, "The Eff was the only higher power." Prediction: now M is going to have to become the Council AND the Eff. More likely just the Eff, and then his allies the Council? Hmmm.

Pg 11, "The profile was Specie K, but they were running": If I didn't know that O had gone through a portal in Facets, I would be panicking right now.

Pg 11. " If this is our fault, we need to correct it.": I am of the opinion that it doesn't matter whose fault it is, but that it needs to be fixed regardless. However, I find it an interesting peek into G's thought process.

Pg 12, "The Eff was likely to be in his palace": This entire paragraph made me soul hurt. Poor M is not going to find the answers he is hoping.

Pg 12, "Must find highest authority to direct response.": I'm thinking this is M now the highest authority.

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15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 1, introduction: I really like this series of facts. You didn't state who the (I would presume) book is by, and I'm not sure if this is on purpose or a missing piece of information. I decided to write this note in case it wasn't on purpose. 

Yep, @Robinski picked up on this too. I meant it as being from a textbook or something. Maybe I'll just throw that in so people don't get confused.

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

I love how T.D. stutters. I think I mentioned this before when I went through Facets. I think I have an extreme weakness for this particular species of alien. Makes me miss H.D.

Glad you like them! 

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Wondering the same questions as M.

Awesome!

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

trying to get rid of one big spider, when suddenly the spider explodes into thousands of baby spiders. I am feeling that panic.

Ick. I hope to continue inspiring your nightmares ;-)

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

"mismatched teeth underneath": There was a podcast on Writing Excuses that the best horror came from the mundane, and, boy, you definitely got it. Why did it have to be giant bugs with teeth. These Elg just keep getting worse and worse. *shutters* I mean, just the word, "splatted" gives me the heebie-jeebies. 

Glad this is coming across! They weren't creepy enough last time.

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

So, theoretically, could a magic user hold onto all of their notes until they are old and full of experiences, and then just...I dunno, use all the notes in a giant flurry? One massive project? This is not a question I expect an answer to, more of where my own mind was going. 

Well now I want to write a short story about that.

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

This seriously might be my least favorite chapter out of all three books from the simple fact that these Elg really freak me out. My stomach is churning. I blame you, @Mandamon

Yay!

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Is everyone going to die? I might have to take a break, I'm getting stressed. 

Blame @Robinski. He suggested more death and destruction!

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

It is way too easy for me to get sucked into a book. This is why I avoid grimdark fantasy, not to mention horror.

I am greatly enjoying all your reactions!

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

God forbid we ever get a portal scene like in Avengers: Endgame but of these buggers. 

You keep giving me ideas, @Snakenaps...

15 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Prediction: now M is going to have to become the Council AND the Eff. More likely just the Eff, and then his allies the Council? Hmmm.

Keep reading!

These are all great responses, @Snakenaps! It's great getting a blow by blow reaction to what I've written. Thanks!

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1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

These are all great responses, @Snakenaps! It's great getting a blow by blow reaction to what I've written. Thanks!

I'm reading these comments now. It really is a different style: it's very effective. :) 

Seems to me I'm always striving to give writerly feedback, when what we need sometimes is more readerly feedback. This dovetails nicely with the giving and receiving critique thread. I like your style, @Snakenaps!

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1 hour ago, Robinski said:

I'm reading these comments now. It really is a different style: it's very effective. :) 

Seems to me I'm always striving to give writerly feedback, when what we need sometimes is more readerly feedback. This dovetails nicely with the giving and receiving critique thread. I like your style, @Snakenaps!

 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

These are all great responses, @Snakenaps! It's great getting a blow by blow reaction to what I've written. Thanks!

I really appreciate that you two are finding my responses helpful! I kept feeling like I was doing critiques wrong because I don't have the knowledge or experience to find structural errors, which is something @Robinski is great at doing. So I just wrote what I was thinking as I went, knowing at least I was trying my best and having fun. It's good to hear that reader responses can be quality feedback too. I never thought much about how different people might critique differently, since I haven't had anyone look at my own work except my family and a couple of friends (something that is soon to change!). In hindsight, that is obvious, but, again, never spared a moment to consider it. 

I want to be a helpful and productive member of this group. That's why I joined. That, and to learn everything I can about writing! 

@Mandamon Glad I can keep stirring the melting pot of ideas for you!

@Robinski As Mandamon said, I blame you for all the death and destruction in this chapter, and agree that it was an excellent idea. I look for to, and rue the day, you might tear into my own work.  

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1 hour ago, Snakenaps said:

I look for to, and rue the day, you might tear into my own work.

Muah-hah-ha-ha!

Seriously though, I genuinely (as I know the other do too) look forward to reading every single new voice that comes through here. It's always exciting to open that file for the first time. Just as exciting as I know it is nerve-racking to send your work out for the first time!!

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