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Robinski

Robinski - 200311 - TCC Chapter 1C (28) - 3356 words (LG)

31 posts in this topic

10 hours ago, Robinski said:
On 11-4-2020 at 4:35 PM, Asmodemon said:

not having to get up at 4:45 in the morning, and travelling to and from work for 3 hours every day

:o 

I've been saying that you get used to it, but now that I haven't had to do it for a while I've realized I didn't get used to it as much as I just got tired all the time. Well, the project contract is only until the end of the year, after that I'm going to find something closer to home. 

 

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

As luck would have it, I'm in the process of editing Book 1, Chapters 1 to 4 for submission to an agent. It is in Chapter 2 that M's nickname is first mentioned, so I have the perfect opportunity to insert some logical explanation as to why it's 'mother' and not 'mama' :D  I just need to figure out what that is. I think the easiest explanation is that they spoke English in the house, or her mother was of English-speaking decent.

That's some fortuitous timing right there :)

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12 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

Well, the project contract is only until the end of the year, after that I'm going to find something closer to home.

That sounds like a good plan. You've earned a change!

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I don’t have much to say about this chapter overall. Good action, another good emotional beat between Q and M, and I’m enjoying the subtle increase of Q’s suspicion around N’s capabilities and motivations. I actually think it would be good to see another example or two of this towards the end of the chapter. The only thing that was missing for me was some sort of deliberation from Q on whether he actually wants to rescue N and how far he’s willing to go to do that (does he stay in the building that’s about to get bombed to heck?) Even knowing that N appears himself at the end of the chapter, I’d still like to have some idea where Q’s head’s at going into the next chapter – which, by they way, I am looking forward to.

As I read:

“Is there another way up to 5?” Maybe Q should have asked that before deciding to skip a floor?

P4 Quotation mark missing before M’s dialogue “We need some kind of…”

P5 “The savannah remain empty” should be “remained” of course.

P6 “he could smell his a M’s clothing” a couple of extra words here, I think…

p7 “The raptors won’t fit…” Wait, if the chute was designed to shuffle TF from whatever enclosures to the habitat, shouldn’t the hatch be big enough to fit any of the TF that might need to be moved?

The androids lined up on entering the gallery: well, this doesn’t seem good.

The description on p9 and 10 of the viewing gallery and who’s in it is a little unclear, though. “Five figures stood…” but there are only four androids, so who’s the fifth figure? It’s certainly not Mor, since he’s both prone and dead.

Q doesn’t seem to notice or assess anything that might have actually caused Mor’s death (I’m talking about immediately obvious things, like gunshot wounds/laser wounds/gaping claw marks) but it’s the sort of thing I would expect him to take note of. Especially since he’s already primed to be suspicious of N’s motivations and “Mor’s” phone call.

If the VLs register on the unit that’s scanning for lifeforms, shouldn’t our protagonists, N, TT and MR all register as well?

Speaking of which, what is the rest of the party doing while D covers Q? I can’t imagine E or M standing idly by.

P11 “..the only evidence of his hand at work” does “his” refer to N or TOM here? Unclear antecedent.

So when Q finds MR and TT and starts backing towards the access hatch, has he already decided to leave N behind? He gets interrupted by N himself so quickly that it’s hard to tell. It does seem strange though that he doesn’t seem to spend much time looking for N before he’s interrupted, and I really would like to see a moment of decision from Q on whether to stay and look for N or not, even if the decision is then taken out of his hands when N enters.

On 3/12/2020 at 7:38 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The plumber held his pistol"
--should have named him Mario... ;-)

But then you'd have to add some turtle-based TF :)

On 3/12/2020 at 7:38 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "E moaned."
--in response to the MTs coming up the elevator before?

I think I forgot to tag this, but yeah, it struck me as a bit out of place too.  I know she's in rather a lot of distress at the moment, but this didn't seem  to be in reference to anything in particular.

On 3/12/2020 at 7:38 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "DM was dead"
--hmm...that's...anticlimactic.

I'm a bit torn on this. It was a bit, but I didn't feel as disappointed by DM's death as I might have expected. I think that's because it's by now reasonably clear to me that DM is no longer the real obstacle; N is, because of what he represents for Q and -  I'm now assuming - in his person as some variety of antagonist. This chapter does a good job of setting that up, but while it's teased in earlier chapters, this twist has nowhere near the buildup that DM did as an antagonist. Obviously, the progression for N has to be treated very differently, but I wonder if there's room to do a little more setup in that regard earlier on, and if it might help mitigate the feeling of anti-climax once we get to DM's death here?

On 3/12/2020 at 10:12 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Like if it were TOM, it might work. But Q and his son haven't had any kind of on and off interaction over a significant period of time like Sherlock and Moriarty did. 

Yeah, it didn't strike me particularly strongly one way or the other when I was reading, but I think I agree with the others here.

On 3/13/2020 at 8:03 AM, killersquid said:

p6
"And the man never called himself ‘D ’" yet he isn't at all thinking about this or telling the others this is weird?

I did kind of wonder why he didn't say anything, although I suppose with N hacking the comms systems, it would be hard to do it safely without being overheard.

On 3/15/2020 at 2:30 PM, Robinski said:

Because of N's voice appearing out of them unwanted. I guess this did not come across. I will look at it again.

Yeah this line didn't quite do it for me either.

On 3/15/2020 at 2:30 PM, Robinski said:

I didn't want to say too much here, but I can see that maybe I've not been clear (on unclear) enough. Will revise the description.

I had assumed that N probably would not be entirely human.

On 3/15/2020 at 3:24 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I think it would have just as much impact for me if the chapter ended just at "Hello Father."

Yes, this might do nicely. "I thought I was going to have to start without you" is interesting in that it tells us N has some sort of master plan, but it's a bit overwritten, I think, and we  already have a pretty clear idea that N is more in control of these events than we thought. I'd be tempted to go with ID's minimalist suggestion here or something similar.

On 4/4/2020 at 3:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Onesie: She’s still wearing the poop-covered onesie? I would have thought she’d have dropped that already. M. doesn’t seem like the type to keep wearing something like that.

Yeah I kinda wondered why she  didn't ditch it immediately after the fight outside the building.

On 4/9/2020 at 1:56 PM, Robinski said:

I was hoping that it would seem like they were all just swept along by events and it would not seem remarkable.

I mean, if you really need Q to be able to make a comment about her smelling bad, I think it's reasonable to assume that she still would.

On 4/4/2020 at 3:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

but at the same time it did strike me as very Anglocentric

Yeah, this is a good call. My understanding is that bilingual folks to ted to switch languages a lot without thinking about it or necessarily even doing it consciously, so maybe this is not as farfetched as it seems, but will probably pose a problem I don't want to lose the moment though...

On 4/11/2020 at 7:35 AM, Asmodemon said:

I've been working from home for a few weeks now and not having to get up at 4:45 in the morning, and travelling to and from work for 3 hours every day, is doing me a lot of good

Off-topic, but saaaame. We even get up at the same time in the morning for our commutes! Well... theoretically. I confess that before I started working from home, the 4:45am thing had become mostly aspirational.

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Posted (edited)

Hey, Silk, thanks so much for reading, and I am sorry it has taken me so horribly long to get back to your kind response.

On 19/04/2020 at 7:18 PM, Silk said:

I don’t have much to say about this chapter overall. Good action, another good emotional beat between Q and M, and I’m enjoying the subtle increase of Q’s suspicion around N’s capabilities and motivations. I actually think it would be good to see another example or two of this towards the end of the chapter. The only thing that was missing for me was some sort of deliberation from Q on whether he actually wants to rescue N and how far he’s willing to go to do that (does he stay in the building that’s about to get bombed to heck?) Even knowing that N appears himself at the end of the chapter, I’d still like to have some idea where Q’s head’s at going into the next chapter – which, by they way, I am looking forward to.

This is good! I like your suggestions and have a neat idea for another N intervention that isn't there at present. I think it will up the tension at the end of the previous chapter into this one. Check on hearing Q's feeling going into the following chapter. That's an area that is under-severed, I think, maybe even more so in the earlier chapters, but needs attention throughout.

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“Is there another way up to 5?” Maybe Q should have asked that before deciding to skip a floor?

Maybe he should. In a way, he was just buying some time. If there wasn't they could have gone back up to 5. I'll think on it.

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P4 Quotation mark missing before M’s dialogue “We need some kind of…”

Check. Thanks.

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P5 “The savannah remain empty” should be “remained” of course.

Check.

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P6 “he could smell his a M’s clothing” a couple of extra words here, I think…

Done earlier, but thanks.

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p7 “The raptors won’t fit…” Wait, if the chute was designed to shuffle TF from whatever enclosures to the habitat, shouldn’t the hatch be big enough to fit any of the TF that might need to be moved?

This is a blocking thing. The raptors can fit up the chute and along the long side of the passageway, which runs parallel with the corridor between the habitats, but the passageway is at the back, of course. However, at the end, the passageway turns onto the short site of the building, and that is where the access hatch is, which the raptors to not fit into. Humans only.

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The androids lined up on entering the gallery: well, this doesn’t seem good.

:D 

Quote

The description on p9 and 10 of the viewing gallery and who’s in it is a little unclear, though. “Five figures stood…” but there are only four androids, so who’s the fifth figure? It’s certainly not Mor, since he’s both prone and dead.

Continuity error. Should read four. Although, every indication now is that, in the next edit, Q and Mor will be cooperating at this point.

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Q doesn’t seem to notice or assess anything that might have actually caused Mor’s death (I’m talking about immediately obvious things, like gunshot wounds/laser wounds/gaping claw marks) but it’s the sort of thing I would expect him to take note of. Especially since he’s already primed to be suspicious of N’s motivations and “Mor’s” phone call.

Good point. Probably moot in light of my response above this one.

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If the VLs register on the unit that’s scanning for lifeforms, shouldn’t our protagonists, N, TT and MR all register as well?

Yes, but...look over here, a puppy!!

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Speaking of which, what is the rest of the party doing while D covers Q? I can’t imagine E or M standing idly by.

They are out of sight back at the door into the viewing corridor, waiting for Q to tell them which habitat TT and MR are in.

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P11 “..the only evidence of his hand at work” does “his” refer to N or TOM here? Unclear antecedent.

Edited previously. I gather someone else mentioned this, I find it changed when I got back to look to TOM's hand at work.

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So when Q finds MR and TT and starts backing towards the access hatch, has he already decided to leave N behind? He gets interrupted by N himself so quickly that it’s hard to tell. It does seem strange though that he doesn’t seem to spend much time looking for N before he’s interrupted, and I really would like to see a moment of decision from Q on whether to stay and look for N or not, even if the decision is then taken out of his hands when N enters.

Good point. At that moment, he does not know where to look for N, and so it really just backing away from the androids. When I rewrite this scene with Q and M cooperating, and most like to no D, but with WK in D's place, it will look somewhat different, but this is still a good point. I've noted it for further consideration.

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But then you'd have to add some turtle-based TF :)

Ooooh. Why did I not think of that?

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I think I forgot to tag this, but yeah, it struck me as a bit out of place too.  I know she's in rather a lot of distress at the moment, but this didn't seem to be in reference to anything in particular.

Right, I'll note it.

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I'm a bit torn on this. It was a bit, but I didn't feel as disappointed by DM's death as I might have expected. I think that's because it's by now reasonably clear to me that DM is no longer the real obstacle; N is, because of what he represents for Q and -  I'm now assuming - in his person as some variety of antagonist. This chapter does a good job of setting that up, but while it's teased in earlier chapters, this twist has nowhere near the buildup that DM did as an antagonist. Obviously, the progression for N has to be treated very differently, but I wonder if there's room to do a little more setup in that regard earlier on, and if it might help mitigate the feeling of anti-climax once we get to DM's death here?

Good points all. I've got many notes about retooling all of N's scenes throughout the story. And the end of DM's arc will look very different here if he's cooperating with Q, and maybe filling in for D (who I'm thinking of cutting) unless WK is filling in for D at this point.

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Yeah, it didn't strike me particularly strongly one way or the other when I was reading, but I think I agree with the others here.

I did kind of wonder why he didn't say anything, although I suppose with N hacking the comms systems, it would be hard to do it safely without being overheard.

Noted and noted.

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Yeah this line didn't quite do it for me either.

I had assumed that N probably would not be entirely human.

Noted and good :) 

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Yes, this might do nicely. "I thought I was going to have to start without you" is interesting in that it tells us N has some sort of master plan, but it's a bit overwritten, I think, and we  already have a pretty clear idea that N is more in control of these events than we thought. I'd be tempted to go with ID's minimalist suggestion here or something similar.

Yeah, okay. 

Quote

Yeah I kinda wondered why she  didn't ditch it immediately after the fight outside the building.

I mean, if you really need Q to be able to make a comment about her smelling bad, I think it's reasonable to assume that she still would.

Both true. 

Quote

Yeah, this is a good call. My understanding is that bilingual folks to ted to switch languages a lot without thinking about it or necessarily even doing it consciously, so maybe this is not as farfetched as it seems, but will probably pose a problem I don't want to lose the moment though...

Yeah, so what I did here was have M's mother be English. As luck would have it, I was editing the first four chapter of TMM for submission to an agent, so I was able to slip that into the current draft of Book 1 without much difficulty. It's the whole basis for her nickname, and I've been waiting to spill it for two books, so I'm keeping it!!!

Great comments, as ever. Thanks for much, Silk, and so sorry about how long it's taken me to respond. I'm only my new WIP now, and coming back to TCC is actually quite hard.

Edited by Robinski
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6 hours ago, Robinski said:

and I am sorry it has taken me so horribly long to get back to your kind response.

I mean, have you seen how long it took me to get to critiquing this? I think we can call it a wash.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

That's an area that is under-severed, I think, maybe even more so in the earlier chapters, but needs attention throughout.

Right on both counts here, I think.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Although, every indication now is that, in the next edit, Q and Mor will be cooperating at this point.

Oooh. This sounds VERY interesting.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

and most like to no D, but with WK in D's place,

From what I've read so far this would probably make a lot of sense. But yes, if the new scene makes clear that Q is only backing away from the androids and still intends to look for N, readers will probably be able to fill in that N  is anxious and jumped the gun here. So to speak.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

It's the whole basis for her nickname, and I've been waiting to spill it for two books, so I'm keeping it!!!

Apparently there's no thumbs up emoticon on here! I'm filing a complaint with the management.

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8 hours ago, Silk said:

Apparently there's no thumbs up emoticon on here! I'm filing a complaint with the management.

I know! I had to 'make' my own!  _thumbs-up.jpg.a3f3bef658ebaae01ee1e78e55b25a8b.jpg

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