Robinski - 200311 - TCC Chapter 1C (28) - 3356 words (LG)

[Robinski]

Hi folks,

 

Here is Chapter 28 of TCC. After this one, there are three more chapters and an epilog; only 39 more pages!!

 

Please feel free to comment on anything and everything, as little are as much as you like. All fair game.

 

Also, an apology: my life has bene so crazy in the last several weeks that I am behind on reply to critiques, and I am very sorry about that. I will get to them in the next couple of days, I hope.

 

Furthermore: I've stopped appending the chapter summaries, as I'm not sure they're serving much purpose, and if any new readers are piling on that this point, my apologies, but I think there's too much to really usefully summarise, and a reactive critique to style, clarity of expression, etc. would be just as useful to me, if you inclined to critique anyway. But NO PRESSURE! Never any pressure.

 

Best, Robinski

 

p.s. So sorry this is so late in the week!

[Robinski]

Oh, and I meant to say, REVEALS!!!!!

Two big ones in this chapter.

[shatteredsmooth]

I was very engaged in this chapter and hardly made any notes. There was lots of tension and emotion, and I feel for the VRs. 

A good balance of action and emotion with  good payoff at the end.

There was one little part where I got confused was when Q was around when Q got to the control room through the access chute. I was having a hard time picturing where the other habitats were and how they were being accessed. Were all those habitats on one level? Were the characters who weren't with him going up and down through the access  chute thing? How were they getting to the different habitats? How did the VRs get to 2? Hadn't they been on a different level?

At the bottom of p. 11,

"He had reached Habitat Eight’s control panel, started scanning immediately, trying to hurry things up, turned off the opacity—"

But then he tells D that the two women are in three. 

When I got to the last sentence, all I could hear and envision was the Moriarty from the BBC Sherlock...

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. 

[Mandamon]

Similar response to @shatteredsmooth. Very tense chapter, with a lot of great action. I also got confused on the same two points: How the habitats were arranged, and habitat 8 vs. 3.

I'm also unsure on the whole going down an extra level when they basically end up in front of the same crowd they would have seen exiting on level five. It seems like they just waste the raptors.

I thought the ending was good, and definitely makes N more suspicious. Not sure that cliche is fully appropriate, though.

Looking forward to the last three chapters!

 

Notes while reading.

pg 2: "the soldiers attempts to riddle them with bullets" -> "the soldiers riddling them with bullets"
--They are definitely riddling them.

pg 3: "He remembered her story"
--most likely WRS. But I'm not sure which story he's referring to in relation to flashing amber lights.

pg 3: "The plumber held his pistol"
--should have named him Mario... ;-)

pg 3: "E moaned."
--in response to the MTs coming up the elevator before?

pg 4: "the doors slid open on a sprawling pastoral scene"
--I feel like we learned about this a long time ago, but it was where all the critters roamed free. Isn't this fantastically dangerous?

pg 4: "We’re here."
--we, or I? Are there others with N?
--edit, realized later this is the women. WRS.

pg 5: "This must be what DM wanted, mustn’t it"
--But wasn't the whole deal that Q went down an extra level, and they were expecting them a level above?

pg 6: “Never, gonna use a, handset..."
--why?

pg 6: "“This’ll be the sharp end then"
--of what?

pg 7: “With no guide bars out,” "The raptors won’t fit, which is the point"
--Not sure of blocking here. the chute is meant to transport the creatures down to the lower level, right? So why are they blocked from getting out?

pg 7: "The raptors moved up behind them"
--but I thought they couldn't go anywhere? also why turn off the app? Can't they just tell them to go back down the chute to the level below?

pg 8: bidding the raptors goodbye and the name reveal is very poignant!

pg 9: "The raptors slipped past her into the habitat"
--ah, this makes more sense now. Putting some part of this above would help out.

pg 10: "Five figures stood at the end of the long, white viewing gallery."
--wasn't the whole point of going down a level to avoid straight on conflict? Except now they're still facing a lot of guns and have lost the raptors. Before, they could have at least told the raptors to charge out of the elevator on floor five.

pg 10: "that he noticed the fifth form"
--confused. There are five standing, but four robots. DM is on the floor. Who's the fifth standing? Typo?

pg 10: "DM was dead"
--hmm...that's...anticlimactic.

pg 11: "N had admitted faking all but the first call"
--I'm getting the feeling N is more in control than we thought.

pg 12: "Habitat Three"
--huh? I thought they were in eight?

pg 12:. “You haven’t saved me yet.”
--I mean, give him a chance. He's still at the controls, right? I'm not sure why the robots suddenly decide to attack now, unless, as I suspect, they are under N's control and he's making a dramatic entrance. Still, why not just let Q open the enclosure and then step out?

pg 12: "A dark, humanoid form"
--so, not human?

pg 12: “Did you miss me?”
--ehhh, I feel like this is too cliched to have the right impact as a closing line. Plus, Q didn't miss his son. He didn't even know him until a few days ago.

[shatteredsmooth]

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Not sure that cliche is fully appropriate, though.

 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Plus, Q didn't miss his son. He didn't even know him until a few days ago.

I think I agree with this. The situation or relationship with M and his son isn't really the kind of hero/villain dynamic that I associate with this line. Like if it were TOM, it might work. But Q and his son haven't had any kind of on and off interaction over a significant period of time like Sherlock and Moriarty did. 

 

[killersquid]

Sorry for the late comments, been sick most of the week.

You said "Please feel free to comment on anything and everything, as little are as much as you like. All fair game." So thats what I'll do, understand that, unles otherwise stated, these are all small issues.

I do like the story, even if it is quite confusing without the previous 27 chapters, but that's to be expected.

On page 5 you have the sentence:
"Moth stepped out with them then Dulcie, who he thought might have taken to following Moth’s lead" 
The construction seems weird, I know what's happening, but there's definitely something off.

Further on p5:
"Moth matched him easily, keeping the dinosaurs out front"
I'm not a native speaker so I could be wrong, but 'out front' to me says outside of something in the front of it. While 'out IN front' to me means they're beign guided to the front of the group, could be mistaken though.

on p6 you use the word "segued", while used correctly, it's a word I often hear, yet never see written and I believe that will be true for most readers, which pulled me out of the story a bit.

p6
"And the man never called himself ‘Derek’" yet he isn't at all thinking about this or telling the others this is weird?

p6:
“Never, gonna use a, storming handset, again. After this rust,”
This feels like it should be one sentence, and I would personally opt for  ... instead of , 

p6
"“This’ll be the sharp end then.”
No idea what this is supposed to mean? unless it refers back to an in-joke between characters or a thing they often say?

p9 "clicked her pistol’s safety off"
just as a note, most pistols that exist in current day do NOT have manual safeties.

p10
Q is suprised that something or someone killed M, but he shoudl've suspected something from the interaction on p6?

 

Overal, it's not the type of story i like to read so i can't comment onhow well or bad it does for industry standard. What I can say is that i DID feel a sense of being chased all the way through and I did feel like they needed to hurry the F up or bad things would happen so that's ver ywell done. I did notice however that you seem to start a LOT of your sentences with the subject, which can end up feeling a bit samey after a while and even a bit annoying at times, but that's one of my pet peeves (because I know I do it too) so it migth not be that bad for anyone else. 

 

[Robinski]

On 11/03/2020 at 11:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was very engaged in this chapter and hardly made any notes. There was lots of tension and emotion, and I feel for the VRs. 

A good balance of action and emotion with  good payoff at the end.

Yay! Thanks so much for reading SSmooth! First up, that's awesome  

On 11/03/2020 at 11:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

There was one little part where I got confused was when Q was around when Q got to the control room through the access chute. I was having a hard time picturing where the other habitats were and how they were being accessed. Were all those habitats on one level? Were the characters who weren't with him going up and down through the access  chute thing? How were they getting to the different habitats? How did the VRs get to 2? Hadn't they been on a different level?

Fair point. I think the root of the problem is maybe a big old WRS thingy. Way back in Chapter 3, EM and TT walked down the viewing corridor of the habitats and the description was nice and clear (I think!) that the control panels are not in a separate room, but in front of each window. I guess I'm relying on people remembering that, because I have not really drawn it out here. I think I maybe just need to describe it better (or at all!). The VRs, and the other party members--when releasing MR and TT, access the habitats from the back, the opposite side from Q, the doors where the TF exit to go down the ramp to Level 6, the same narrow ramp that the group has just come up.

I appreciate that this is not very clear. I'll see how the others find it (although I suspect I know what I'll find!), and take the revisions from there, but will take an action to tidy up the description of the habitats, their entrance and the viewing controls.

On 11/03/2020 at 11:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

"He had reached Habitat Eight’s control panel, started scanning immediately, trying to hurry things up, turned off the opacity—" But then he tells D that the two women are in three. 

True! My mistake. Thanks  

On 11/03/2020 at 11:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

When I got to the last sentence, all I could hear and envision was the Moriarty from the BBC Sherlock...

Ooh. Now, I don't want to be accused of nicking that line, I feel like it's a generic enough line that I can have it too!

On 11/03/2020 at 11:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. 

 

Thanks so much for the comments, SSmooth. Much appreciated!

[Robinski]

Many thanks for reading, Mandamon, and for the excellent comments, as ever.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

Similar response to @shatteredsmooth. Very tense chapter, with a lot of great action. I also got confused on the same two points: How the habitats were arranged, and habitat 8 vs. 3.

Cool. That's entirely reasonable. It's a bit convoluted, I can see that. I'll make some clarity revisions. Also, the numbering, that's just plane wrong.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

I'm also unsure on the whole going down an extra level when they basically end up in front of the same crowd they would have seen exiting on level five. It seems like they just waste the raptors.

Yeah, I think I will need to work on the rationale for sending them down to Level 6 before they come back up. The reality is that it's a better / more defensible position or rather approach route to Level 5, but that is not presented as a reason. I think the most likely course is me going back to present that as the reason.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

I thought the ending was good, and definitely makes N more suspicious. Not sure that cliche is fully appropriate, though.

Ok. I'm totally open to trying a different line.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

Looking forward to the last three chapters!

 

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "the soldiers attempts to riddle them with bullets" -> "the soldiers riddling them with bullets"
--They are definitely riddling them.

Hmm. I was meaning they were attempting to riddle the group with bullets, but failing because the doors were not breaking. I guess that's not coming through.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "He remembered her story"
--most likely WRS. But I'm not sure which story he's referring to in relation to flashing amber lights.

Back to Chapter 14, when E is attacked by the Mts that come up into the loading back from Level 5, when DM is trying to kill / frame her.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The plumber held his pistol"
--should have named him Mario... ;-)

 

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "E moaned."
--in response to the MTs coming up the elevator before?

Yes.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "the doors slid open on a sprawling pastoral scene"
--I feel like we learned about this a long time ago, but it was where all the critters roamed free. Isn't this fantastically dangerous?

Only if there are any TF here. None of them live here, they live up in the habitats on L5. There is also a line about them all having been released so, in theory, they are not expecting there to be any here.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "This must be what DM wanted, mustn’t it"
--But wasn't the whole deal that Q went down an extra level, and they were expecting them a level above?

Increasingly, I'm thinking the solution is simply to make this their approach strategy from the start.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: “Never, gonna use a, handset..."
--why?

Because of N's voice appearing out of them unwanted. I guess this did not come across. I will look at it again.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "“This’ll be the sharp end then"
--of what?

Of the situation, but it's not a great line. I've changed it.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: “With no guide bars out,” "The raptors won’t fit, which is the point"
--Not sure of blocking here. the chute is meant to transport the creatures down to the lower level, right? So why are they blocked from getting out?

They're blocked from getting out of the access hatch at the end, beyond all the habitat doors. A human can get through the access hatch. I'll look at clarity.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "The raptors moved up behind them"
--but I thought they couldn't go anywhere? also why turn off the app? Can't they just tell them to go back down the chute to the level below?

I'm looking at the blocking of all of this section.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: bidding the raptors goodbye and the name reveal is very poignant!

<first pump> 

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: "The raptors slipped past her into the habitat"
--ah, this makes more sense now. Putting some part of this above would help out.

Cool.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "Five figures stood at the end of the long, white viewing gallery."
--wasn't the whole point of going down a level to avoid straight on conflict? Except now they're still facing a lot of guns and have lost the raptors. Before, they could have at least told the raptors to charge out of the elevator on floor five.

I'm need to revise the blocking and strategy leading up to this point.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "that he noticed the fifth form"
--confused. There are five standing, but four robots. DM is on the floor. Who's the fifth standing? Typo?

Typo!

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "DM was dead"
--hmm...that's...anticlimactic.

Yeah, I knew you wouldn't like that.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "N had admitted faking all but the first call"
--I'm getting the feeling N is more in control than we thought.

 

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "Habitat Three"
--huh? I thought they were in eight?

My mistake!!

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12:. “You haven’t saved me yet.”
--I mean, give him a chance. He's still at the controls, right? I'm not sure why the robots suddenly decide to attack now, unless, as I suspect, they are under N's control and he's making a dramatic entrance. Still, why not just let Q open the enclosure and then step out?

Q just started backing away, back towards the access hatch the way they came in.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "A dark, humanoid form"
--so, not human?

I didn't want to say too much here, but I can see that maybe I've not been clear (on unclear) enough. Will revise the description.

On 12/03/2020 at 2:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: “Did you miss me?”
--ehhh, I feel like this is too cliched to have the right impact as a closing line. Plus, Q didn't miss his son. He didn't even know him until a few days ago.

Yeah. Fair cop. I'm going to try out some different lines. How about "It's about time. I thought I was going to have to start without you."

[Robinski]

On 12/03/2020 at 5:12 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I think I agree with this. The situation or relationship with M and his son isn't really the kind of hero/villain dynamic that I associate with this line. Like if it were TOM, it might work. But Q and his son haven't had any kind of on and off interaction over a significant period of time like Sherlock and Moriarty did. 

Yeah. I'm looking at different lines.

[Robinski]

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

Sorry for the late comments, been sick most of the week.

Hey, killersquid! That's not late. This is late! As is my response to your submission, sorry about that. I'm getting there, I promise. I see that you're resubmitting a revised Chapter 1 tomorrow, so maybe I'll just jump to that, and be able give perspective on the re-write fresh, without being coloured by the first version. (Lazy of me, but potential helpful?)

Anyway, on to your comments on the mine, which are very much appreciated, thank you  

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

You said "Please feel free to comment on anything and everything, as little are as much as you like. All fair game." So thats what I'll do, understand that, unles otherwise stated, these are all small issues.

Perfect.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

I do like the story, even if it is quite confusing without the previous 27 chapters, but that's to be expected.

Yes, quite! I really appreciate you diving in here.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

On page 5 you have the sentence:
"M stepped out with them then D, who he thought might have taken to following M's lead" 
The construction seems weird, I know what's happening, but there's definitely something off.

Right, I'll take a look at the wording here.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

Further on p5:
"M matched him easily, keeping the dinosaurs out front"
I'm not a native speaker so I could be wrong, but 'out front' to me says outside of something in the front of it. While 'out IN front' to me means they're beign guided to the front of the group, could be mistaken though.

Again, I'll look at the wording.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

on p6 you use the word "segued", while used correctly, it's a word I often hear, yet never see written and I believe that will be true for most readers, which pulled me out of the story a bit.

Fair enough. I'll think on that. I agree it looks weird on the page. I never liked that word! but I do feel it fits here.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

p6
"And the man never called himself ‘Derek’" yet he isn't at all thinking about this or telling the others this is weird?

See below. I think maybe I just need to change the emphasis of Q's internal dialogue here.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

p6:
“Never, gonna use a, storming handset, again. After this rust,”
This feels like it should be one sentence, and I would personally opt for  ... instead of , 

I agree. Edited.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

p6
"“This’ll be the sharp end then.”
No idea what this is supposed to mean? unless it refers back to an in-joke between characters or a thing they often say?

No. It was meant as the sharp end of this whole situation, but I don't like it on rereading. It's gone.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

p9 "clicked her pistol’s safety off"
just as a note, most pistols that exist in current day do NOT have manual safeties.

Good shout. I've done a certain amount of research into the guns in the story, enough, I hope to be convincing, but by this point, I was getting lazy. I'll look to revise this. Thanks.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

p10
Q is suprised that something or someone killed M, but he shoudl've suspected something from the interaction on p6?

Maybe, and I think it's a case of getting the balance in Q's internal monologue right. I'll look at it again.

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

Overal, it's not the type of story i like to read so i can't comment onhow well or bad it does for industry standard. What I can say is that i DID feel a sense of being chased all the way through and I did feel like they needed to hurry the F up or bad things would happen so that's ver ywell done.

Excellent. I'll take that!

On 13/03/2020 at 3:03 PM, killersquid said:

I did notice however that you seem to start a LOT of your sentences with the subject, which can end up feeling a bit samey after a while and even a bit annoying at times, but that's one of my pet peeves (because I know I do it too) so it migth not be that bad for anyone else.

Interesting, and not something I think that anyone has commented on before. But that does not invalidate it at all, quite the opposite I think. I'm going to reread the chapter with this in mind and see how it looks.

Thanks very much for the comments, KS. Very helpful indeed, and some interesting things to think about there.

Thanks again!  

[industrialistDragon]

Not a whole lot to say here. A good, tense chapter, and I stumbled at the same places @shatteredsmooth and @Mandamon did for the most part. I did recall the the general setup of the habitats/viewing areas from way back when, but I think a quick recap from Q's POV would help refresh my memory a bunch more, since I got confused when everyone was moving around in it. And I did cringe a bit at that last line. I think it would have just as much impact for me if the chapter ended just at "Hello Father."

[Sarah B]

Love the chapter overall! 

The double loss of the raptors and a satisfying DM faceoff stung a bit but I consider the interpersonal payoff between Q and M a good bribe to forget that :-)

A couple little things:

The elevator controls. Its a deeply illogical hangup, please feel free to ignor, but while I have no problem accepting a world with interstellar travel, GMO dinosaurs, and androids Q canceling floor 5 and going to 6 without the elevator stopping at 5 anyways left me baffled. There are probably elevators today that can do this, I've just never encountered them. I have no idea why this stopped me dead, but it did. It is likely no one else will have this problem.

Near 50%: "Still they sought these..." typo I think, "sought the"

Next sentence: However and but in the same sentence slows the pacing here a bit.

"E slapped into the wall" Great phrase. 

"Guide bars." Not sure what these are. Maybe like hand rails?

Last line: a bit cringe worthy but if N showed an unintentionally cheesy nature before I could see it being in character. It's the kind of thing someone might practice saying in the mirror while they imagine their plan, especially if they were trying to sound tough and were maybe a bit sheltered. That's how N reads to me here, he's having his Diva moment.

Looking forward to the next chapter and the conclusion. Thanks for sharing

 

 

 

[kais]

Little late to this. Sorry!

Overall

I liked it! Lots of action, good emotion, good movement. The end left me confused as to blocking and events (see below) but I like the good forward momentum to the ending and climax. Would definitely read an entire Q &M series, especially if their third wheel ended up being E (whom I also adore and should be added to their team, please and thank you. Solid mother figure for our gun-loving M).

 

As I go

- I love the line 'nothing continued to happen'

- pg 3: 'he remembered her story' comes out of nowhere I feel and it took me three reads and a bit of pondering to figure out if it was just a 'he remembered her lost girlfriend' or 'he remembered a specific from the almost death of her girlfriend'

- pg 6: the 'never called himself D' makes me think someone else is on the line, impersonating. But re-reading it sounds like maybe he is just really tired? Is this meant to arouse suspicion? 

- pg 6: 'girded her loins' I just find this phrase hilarious in general, especially when used by a woman

- pg 7: typo: he could smell his a 

- pg 7: I expected more oral rebuttal from M over having to leave the raptors behind. I'm sad how quickly she acquiesces.

- pg 8: ahh, here we go. Excellent. Carry on, M

- pg 9: that was a very touching and cute moment between Q and M

- pg 11: PLOT TWIST OMG

- pg 11: ahh okay so it WAS meant to spread doubt, the use of the first name. Check!

- pg 12: I'm confused by the actions here at the ending. They found the women, yes. They're....in another habitat I think? And then there was blasting and Ni walked out. I thought they were blasting into a habitat? But no?

Edited March 16, 2020 by kais

[kais]

On 3/12/2020 at 7:38 AM, Mandamon said:

I also got confused on the same two points: How the habitats were arranged, and habitat 8 vs. 3.

Thirded. I had this same issue.

 

 

[shatteredsmooth]

On 3/15/2020 at 2:51 PM, Robinski said:

Way back in Chapter 3, EM and TT walked down the viewing corridor of the habitats and the description was nice and clear (I think!) that the control panels are not in a separate room, but in front of each window.

I vaguely remember that being clear, but it has been a long time since I read Ch. 3. This might very well be WRS. When I read books for fun, I tend to read them over one or two days, so it's a completely different experience. 

[Robinski]

Hey, ID, many thanks for reading!

On 15/03/2020 at 10:24 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I did recall the the general setup of the habitats/viewing areas from way back when, but I think a quick recap from Q's POV would help refresh my memory a bunch more, since I got confused when everyone was moving around in it.

Yes, I will include a more specific 'recap' of the blocking in Q's POV to help as the scene plays out.

On 15/03/2020 at 10:24 PM, industrialistDragon said:

And I did cringe a bit at that last line. I think it would have just as much impact for me if the chapter ended just at "Hello Father."

Cool. Yes, I've changed it as that line is very much 'taken' (Not the Liam Neeson film! The Who line, as SSmooth observed ).

I've changed it to "It’s about time. I thought I was going to have to start without you." - I dunno. That's a bit wordy. I'll consider stoping earlier too.

Thanks again for the comments, much appreciated!

[Robinski]

Hey Sarah, thanks so much for reading.

On 16/03/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah B said:

The double loss of the raptors and a satisfying DM faceoff stung a bit but I consider the interpersonal payoff between Q and M a good bribe to forget that :-)

Yeah, the DM thing always felt like risk. The idea was to avoid two potentially quite similar standoffs, a double denouement if you will, two one then the other moustache twirling villain, and also to do something unexpected, i.e. hard right turn away from the DM showdown to play up the 'shock' of N being the actual baddy.

On 16/03/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah B said:

Q canceling floor 5 and going to 6 without the elevator stopping at 5 anyways left me baffled. There are probably elevators today that can do this, I've just never encountered them. I have no idea why this stopped me dead, but it did. It is likely no one else will have this problem.

Ha-ha! Not at all. I like this. I've added a judder.

On 16/03/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah B said:

"Still they sought these..." typo I think, "sought the"

Edited, thanks.

On 16/03/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah B said:

However and but in the same sentence slows the pacing here a bit.

Check. Edited.

On 16/03/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah B said:

"Guide bars." Not sure what these are. Maybe like hand rails?

Exactly like hand rails.

On 16/03/2020 at 8:27 AM, Sarah B said:

a bit cringe worthy but if N showed an unintentionally cheesy nature before I could see it being in character. It's the kind of thing someone might practice saying in the mirror while they imagine their plan, especially if they were trying to sound tough and were maybe a bit sheltered. That's how N reads to me here, he's having his Diva moment.

Yes. I've been thoroughly convinced about this. I actually forgot it was a line from Sherlock, but even that aside, it's probably scoring a bit too high on the cheese-o-meter. Although, N is most certainly intended to be having a diva moment. On this edit, I've been searching for a slightly different tone for him. He's had diva moments before now, of course, so I still think the tone is consistent.

Many thanks for the comments, Sarah. Much appreciated  

[Robinski]

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

Little late to this. Sorry!

Pah, I can out-late you any day of the week  

Thank you so much for reading. I always look forward to your comments!! Oftentimes, my hands don't even shake when I click on the thread!

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

The end left me confused as to blocking and events (see below)

Yeah, this is a common thread through the comments and I will definitely provide a more solid blocking foundation for the scene near the start of the chapter.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

but I like the good forward momentum to the ending and climax.

Awesome.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

Would definitely read an entire Q &M series

Double awesome.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

especially if their third wheel ended up being E (whom I also adore and should be added to their team, please and thank you.

Triple awesome!!

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

Solid mother figure for our gun-loving M

Oooh, hmm, well now >>>>>> stay tuned for Book 3.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- I love the line 'nothing continued to happen'

 

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 3: 'he remembered her story' comes out of nowhere I feel and it took me three reads and a bit of pondering to figure out if it was just a 'he remembered her lost girlfriend' or 'he remembered a specific from the almost death of her girlfriend'

I think it's smoother now, flows better out of the yellow warning lights flashing.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 6: the 'never called himself D' makes me think someone else is on the line, impersonating. But re-reading it sounds like maybe he is just really tired? Is this meant to arouse suspicion? 

Edited. I think it's clearer now.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 6: 'girded her loins' I just find this phrase hilarious in general, especially when used by a woman

I know, right? I keep hearing 'griddled his/her loins', and imagine some kind of barbecue situation.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 7: typo: he could smell his a 

Check.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 7: I expected more oral rebuttal from M over having to leave the raptors behind. I'm sad how quickly she acquiesces.

That's no good! 

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 8: ahh, here we go. Excellent. Carry on, M

<thumbs up>

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 9: that was a very touching and cute moment between Q and M

I've been hanging onto the reveal of her name since Book 1. It almost went into Book 1, but it didn't feel there was a good place for it, and I wanted it to come in a really low and stressful/tense/'inappropriate' time, like this.

On 16/03/2020 at 4:30 PM, kais said:

- pg 11: PLOT TWIST OMG

- pg 11: ahh okay so it WAS meant to spread doubt, the use of the first name. Check!

- pg 12: I'm confused by the actions here at the ending. They found the women, yes. They're....in another habitat I think? And then there was blasting and Ni walked out. I thought they were blasting into a habitat? But no?

Okay. Yes, they were blasting the window/facade of the habitat away to release N. I totally accept the blocking is not right, certain once they get to Level 5, so I will go back and revise that.

Great comments. Thanks so much, @kais, much appreciated  

[Robinski]

On 16/03/2020 at 4:34 PM, kais said:

Thirded. I had this same issue.

There was a typo, but still, the blocking is getting a retread.

[Robinski]

On 21/03/2020 at 1:57 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I vaguely remember that being clear, but it has been a long time since I read Ch. 3. This might very well be WRS. When I read books for fun, I tend to read them over one or two days, so it's a completely different experience. 

It might be MRS, or even YRS! You're all right, of course, the blocking is not clear enough, and I undertake to apply a fixeroo.

[Asmodemon]

Bonding time: I quite like the bonding M.’s doing with the dinos. As hard as she seems to be able to bond with people (and with her backstory, who can blame her) it’s interesting to see that she’s able to do it more easily with non-humans, like the dinos and androids. And let’s face it, dinos are cool.

 

Onesie: She’s still wearing the poop-covered onesie? I would have thought she’d have dropped that already. M. doesn’t seem like the type to keep wearing something like that.

 

Avoid the front door: Tactically sound I suppose, but I don’t know/remember enough about the facility to know why floor six would be a better access route than, say, floor four. And if floor five is so secure, why would there be another access way from floor six?

 

Abandonment issues: I really feel sorry for M. at having to abandon the dinos in a place where they can only get bombed. First her android, now the dinos, she’s really getting hit in her abandonment issues. I’ll miss them too, they were cool. Probably for the best though, having dinos walk free in northern Canada probably would be a bad thing.

 

Nickname:  I liked the reveal of where M.’s name came from, and the bonding moment with Q. when she revealed it. It really tugs at the heartstrings, but at the same time it did strike me as very Anglocentric. She’s Italian, and I was under the impression that the Italian language was still being used in your setting (I think I remember her using ‘Jesu Christi’ at some point, or is that just a remnant and has English fully taken over mainland Europe?). So if her native language is Italian, and she’d be calling for her mother, wouldn’t she do it in Italian? And the Italian translation for mother is quite different than the translation for her nickname.

 

Mor dead: On the one hand it felt anti-climactic having him just kick the bucket offscreen, but it did raise the stakes for me in revealing that there had to be a greater villain lurking in the shadows, controlling those androids, and we know who's been controlling technology for a while. Strange how N. could do that while trapped in the enclosure, meaning he was never as trapped as we thought.  

[Robinski]

Hey, @Asmodemon,

I'm so sorry I have not been through you comments yet. It's just madness ATM and not even down to CV-19.

I really do appreciate you reading and hope to respond tomorrow  

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks agains Asmodemon, it's good to hear from you! Hope you and yours are safe and well.

On 04/04/2020 at 11:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Bonding time: I quite like the bonding M.’s doing with the dinos. As hard as she seems to be able to bond with people (and with her backstory, who can blame her) it’s interesting to see that she’s able to do it more easily with non-humans, like the dinos and androids. And let’s face it, dinos are cool.

 Awesome. That is very much the tone I am going for. I'm not sure it lands and people have rightly called a later issue, but that editing, after all  

On 04/04/2020 at 11:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Onesie: She’s still wearing the poop-covered onesie? I would have thought she’d have dropped that already. M. doesn’t seem like the type to keep wearing something like that.

Okay, and it's a fair point. I was hoping that it would seem like they were all just swept along by events and it would not seem remarkable. I will say that I think you're the only person who has mentioned it, but that does not invalidate the comment, of course!! I'll need to think about that.

On 04/04/2020 at 11:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Avoid the front door: Tactically sound I suppose, but I don’t know/remember enough about the facility to know why floor six would be a better access route than, say, floor four. And if floor five is so secure, why would there be another access way from floor six?

Another reasonable point, and it does imply knowledge of the facility's layout that Q would be less likely to have, compared to E. There are a couple of fairly vague references that suggestion Q has been to the facility before in his past life. They're not played up at all, but they are there. It's something else I'm going to have to consider.

On 04/04/2020 at 11:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Abandonment issues: I really feel sorry for M. at having to abandon the dinos in a place where they can only get bombed. First her android, now the dinos, she’s really getting hit in her abandonment issues. I’ll miss them too, they were cool. Probably for the best though, having dinos walk free in northern Canada probably would be a bad thing.

LOL. In the news the other day (although I saw it mentioned on Twitter) there was reference to a proposal (not sure how serious it was) to reintroduce bears to the UK. I mean... bears?!?!

On 04/04/2020 at 11:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Nickname:  I liked the reveal of where M.’s name came from, and the bonding moment with Q. when she revealed it. It really tugs at the heartstrings, but at the same time it did strike me as very Anglocentric. She’s Italian, and I was under the impression that the Italian language was still being used in your setting (I think I remember her using ‘Jesu Christi’ at some point, or is that just a remnant and has English fully taken over mainland Europe?). So if her native language is Italian, and she’d be calling for her mother, wouldn’t she do it in Italian? And the Italian translation for mother is quite different than the translation for her nickname.

Oh, darn and dash your ironclad logic!! I... You've got me there. I actually have no answer to that in the moment that does not sounds rather forced and reverse engineered. I'm going to have to consider the logic of M's nickname reveal.

On 04/04/2020 at 11:30 PM, Asmodemon said:

Mor dead: On the one hand it felt anti-climactic having him just kick the bucket offscreen, but it did raise the stakes for me in revealing that there had to be a greater villain lurking in the shadows, controlling those androids, and we know who's been controlling technology for a while. Strange how N. could do that while trapped in the enclosure, meaning he was never as trapped as we thought.  

This is good, I think. I think your reaction is somewhat more positive than maybe a couple of others. It's a gamble to do that to M, for the reason you note, and really relies on the reader buying into the bigger stakes, as you describe. There's work to do on the ending and no mistake, but this is a really helpful comment, thank you!

Great comments, @Asmodemon, plenty for me to chew over there and no mistake! Much appreciated.

[Asmodemon]

On 9-4-2020 at 10:56 PM, Robinski said:

Hey, thanks agains Asmodemon, it's good to hear from you! Hope you and yours are safe and well.

Fortunately I am very well, and so are my loved ones. Only two people I know (two colleagues from work) have had Covid-19 so far, and they've both mostly recovered from it. So I count myself quite lucky. And paradoxically, though the situation is of course quite horrible, I haven't felt this good in years. I've been working from home for a few weeks now and not having to get up at 4:45 in the morning, and travelling to and from work for 3 hours every day, is doing me a lot of good. I only now realize how tired I've been these last few years.

 

On 9-4-2020 at 10:56 PM, Robinski said:

Okay, and it's a fair point. I was hoping that it would seem like they were all just swept along by events and it would not seem remarkable. I will say that I think you're the only person who has mentioned it, but that does not invalidate the comment, of course!! I'll need to think about that.

It's a little thing, and I agree they were all swept up by the events top-side, but once they went down the elevator and had the whole discussion about leaving the dinos behind, it felt like the pressure was off, at least for a bit. And sneaking into a place covered in rust might be a give away if there are people around to smell it.

 

On 9-4-2020 at 10:56 PM, Robinski said:

LOL. In the news the other day (although I saw it mentioned on Twitter) there was reference to a proposal (not sure how serious it was) to reintroduce bears to the UK. I mean... bears?!?!

Bears?! That's hilarious, and a disaster just waiting to happen if they were to go through with it. I'm all for wildlife preservation, but there haven't been wild bears in the UK for centuries. 

 

On 9-4-2020 at 10:56 PM, Robinski said:

Oh, darn and dash your ironclad logic!! I... You've got me there. I actually have no answer to that in the moment that does not sounds rather forced and reverse engineered. I'm going to have to consider the logic of M's nickname reveal.

Sorry about that 

 

On 9-4-2020 at 10:56 PM, Robinski said:

Great comments, @Asmodemon, plenty for me to chew over there and no mistake! Much appreciated.

You're very welcome 

[Robinski]

19 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

not having to get up at 4:45 in the morning, and travelling to and from work for 3 hours every day

 

19 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

On 09/04/2020 at 9:56 PM, Robinski said:

Oh, darn and dash your ironclad logic!! I... You've got me there. I actually have no answer to that in the moment that does not sounds rather forced and reverse engineered. I'm going to have to consider the logic of M's nickname reveal.

Sorry about that 

As luck would have it, I'm in the process of editing Book 1, Chapters 1 to 4 for submission to an agent. It is in Chapter 2 that M's nickname is first mentioned, so I have the perfect opportunity to insert some logical explanation as to why it's 'mother' and not 'mama'   I just need to figure out what that is. I think the easiest explanation is that they spoke English in the house, or her mother was of English-speaking decent.

Thanks again