Robinski Posted March 2, 2020 Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 Hi everyone, Sorry about skipping a week. I hope the WRS is not too much of a factor. There are four chapters and an epilogue remaining. The end is in sight! There will be some fairly heavy rewriting of the remaining chapters, as a couple of quite major plot points have changed. I'll also be seeking to cut them down a bit, so hopefully the end will whip through over the next few weeks! Special note for some very choice language from you-know-who. Many thanks for any comments that you may have Best, Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 2, 2020 Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 I feel like I should be smoking a cigarette after reading this chapter... I loved M in this one. Lots of good action, very tense the whole way through, and our heroes are Acting! and Protagging! All over the place. This is great start to the climax after getting to this point. Plus, sads after the raptors, and distrust of N, after the last strange message. Looking forward to next week and wrapping things up! Notes while reading: pg 2: "patted her shoulder “Nothing.”" --not sure what this is in relation to. A comment from last chapter? Even if reading straight through, might need a tag on this. pg 3: “Action’s moved inside likely” --missing the comma pg 3: "More gunfire" --More reaction from the gunfire would be good. How close is it? Are there bullets zinging around? Cna they see anyone who's shooting? Are they in danger? pg 3: "Cause all the TF are out, of course" --I'm blanking on the abbreviation... pg 4: "Keep talking, right." Lol Pg 4: the curses on this page are priceless. pg 5: "she didn’t give a… " --actually Loled at this. pg 6: "her face a picture of stunned horror" --oh no. pg 6: "Three-oh-six" --hmmm...spelling this out the second time throws me out. pg 6: "ripped into the lead beast at fifteen metres and ripped it apart" --this is amazingly tense, but repeated word in this sentence. pg 7: "M released the handle and spun." --I got this the second time, but at first I thought she'd gone through the gate. pg 7: "The raptors twitched, to get at the mts, no doubt." --I forget the raptors programming. Are they search and destroy for the GE monsters? pg 8: "This try-fail stuff is bs!" --Hahah...very meta. pg 8: “The VLs will take on the MTs, right?” --Ah. Question answered. pg 8: "All fire turned on the tube steel frame and the lock. " --probably WRS, but why did M have do go through the sewer if they could just blast the gate? Didn't she have to unlock it? pg 9: "were snapped or throats ripped out" --I don't know how I feel about passive voice describing a bloodbath. pg 9: "Faster, Dinosaur! Kill! Kill!” --IUnderstoodThatReference.gif pg 10: very glad the raptors get a big part in this chapter. pg 11: "an growing" -> "a growing" pg 11: "“How much of this did you engineer, really?” --Yeeeeahhh...suddenly not trusting MC that much. pg 11: “Makes sense,” said M, “if the experiments are roaming the countryside.” --not sure this follows. What does them being created underground have to do with roaming the countryside? pg 12: awww...raptors. pg 13: "admit two, four, six soldiers into the space between the doors." --Had some trouble with this blocking. Is this the invading soldiers coming through the front doors? Security guards inside the building? pg 13: "“Lower your weapon,” said D, “and back away." --confused. Who's he talking to? Soldiers? The team? Are the soldiers in a room with them, or still behind closed doors? pg 13: "holding up his hands, moving slowly in the face of the ranked weapons." --Who's captured who now? I feel like the soldiers are still behind closed doors. --Ah, reading to the end I see they are. The whole last page needs some help with blocking, but otherwise, this chapter was very enjoyable! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snakenaps Posted March 2, 2020 Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 This is my second critique for Reading Excuses, so tell me if I break any rules. I obviously have not read any previous chapters, so let's see what I get out of this. I'm going to copy @Mandamon above me and do page numbers. I purposefully did not read her critique, because I don't want it to influence mine, but I saw the page numbers and liked that. Thoughts As I Go Along: Pg 3: Okay, we have M. in a onsie (I am picturing a onsie from Walmart) with a Glock. I get a chuckle from this visual and want to keep reading. Pg 3: Velociraptors, people with peculiar names, a girl with a onsie and a Glock, in a warzone. I have absolutely no clue what is going on, but I'm ready to dive into this madness. D.'s words about the G. system remind me I am missing an entire book. So, hey, not sure if you are going to get anything out of this, but I get to practice critiquing! Pg. 5: I have no clue what the TF is and can't guess from the abbreviation. Not sure if this is common knowledge or not. Keep talking. Curses. Excellent. It is tense, I am worried for this character I have just met shimming towards this madness looking for a manhole. And yet, I get to have a chuckle at the...inventiveness of the curses. Pg. 6: I have noticed how much you vary the length in your sentences and I like it. It keeps things interesting and you have a clear style. Pg. 7: M. is okay! - M. is not okay, nobody is okay, there are mad beasts about. Out of the frying pan and into the oil. Pg. 7: Wait, the velociraptors are controlled by an app? Like, a phone app? Confusion. Pg 8: It was M. yelling "Ahhh!" Right? Pg 10: Abbreviations. VL's are our dino buddies, while MT's are the slavering dog beasts from hell? Pg.10: Pseudo-dinosaurs controlled by an app. I want to know more. Are we talking little velociraptors, or are we talking Jurassic Park style velociraptors? Pg. 10: "Kill! Kill!" M., I don't know you, but I like you, you feisty girl. Pg. 11: I didn't know the source of conflict, but I know that there are hostages, somebody bad that rhymes with Norton and his buddy T., and that the government is incompetent, just like always. Pg. 11: "Pogram" Do you mean program? Pg. 15: Cliffhanger! Noooooo! Overall: Not sure how useful this is going to be, since I haven't read any of the previous chapters. I'm not going to dive into what I understand of the world, because by the time any other reader gets to this point, they are going to know the world, the conflict, and the characters, unlike me. So I'm just going to give my impressions, as if I am some random reader at Barnes and Noble who chooses books by flipping to a random section. I don't know if M. is in a literal onsie (I'm guessing more of a military, useful onsie, now), but I was immediately interested by a trash-talking woman with a voice-activated Glock and app-controlled velociraptors. Despite not knowing what the conflict is about, or even who the characters are, the action was easy to follow and tense. M.'s remarks allowed me a moment to breath without losing the intensity of the situation. This chapter flew by, but I am sitting here immediately wanting to know what happens next, despite having no previous emotion attachment or really understanding of the situation. I wish I was actually at Barnes and Noble flipping through this book, so I could purchase it and go back to the beginning. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted March 2, 2020 Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 Overall Good action, and the M POV was, as always, an absolute delight! Q's POV was fine too, and I enjoyed the movement into the facility and the blood dino battle. The ending left me a bit confused, and I'm not entirely sure what happened. They got inside, there were guards...then there's some plass that's about to be broken? They're trying to get to the hostages, right? And to do that they have to go through this place with the plass? But other than that, I found this very satisfying, with good movement to the ending. Can't wait for tearful reunions and awkward children things and the whole final boss battle! As I go - pg 2: I adore that opening line! - Spoiler gypped is a racial slur, just FYI. May be in character for M but it's almost as bad as the N word in many communities - pg 3: did you mean 'quick AND clipped'? - pg 3: LOL at berserker battle fury! - pg 4: She breathed, gasped, coughed for forged on <-- typo somewhere in here - pg 5: love the pun! Also tension great through here. You can really smell what M smells and wow do I want her out of there as much as she does! - pg 6: MANGE!!! - pg 7: YESSSSS she got one! I am so into this - pg 8: Just a style suggestion here, but I think these two sentences should be on different lines, for full effect: “I’m fine.” She really, really stank. - pg 9: I laughed so hard because I was shouting and it turns out M was shouting the same thing a few lines later! - pg 11: There’s an growing probability <-- typo - pg 11: I don't know if the line about teasing details gently is needed. I don't think anyone expects gentleness in this scenario. They're all a little unhinged 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah B Posted March 3, 2020 Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 Loved this chapter! Hurrah! Also, please don't skip next week :-) The only thing I caught that hasn't been mentioned, is from the MT vs Raptors. There is a line that the MTs didn't "get anywhere near" the Raptors, not technically true if the raptors are tearing them apart. Thanks for sharing! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted March 6, 2020 Report Share Posted March 6, 2020 Over all, I thought this was a very good chapter. It's really nice to finally be getting some action and payoff and I'm excited to read more! I did get confused with some of the blocking around the action scenes, and everyone's position relative to each other. As I go: I agree with @kais , that's not a great word to use and a more appropriate one can probably be found. Stiff? Bilk? Skip/run out on? Leave in the lurch? Leave high and dry? Leave holding the bag/baby? I have forgotten what the acronym TF means. I hope it's just WRS, but if it hasn't come up in text recently, it might be worth it spell it out again as a reminder It was a little confusing, but I really liked how tense M's crawl was. Very good! I figured D would be using the phonetic alphabet for shouting the gate code, since I thought they were a decent distance apart? Or are they close enough it doesn't matter. I'm a bit hazy on everyone's relative positions in general though "This try-fail stuff" -- lol! "Faster, Dinosaur!" -- So many in jokes lol "pogrom" -- Going all out with the jokes, apparently, "Send two raptors" -- Aren't they programmed to not attack humans? Are the troops not human? How would the dinos know? I guess I'm confused why the dinos would stop or distract the troops longer than it would take to shoot the animals from a distance and move on. Is this doing anything other than needlessly killing a couple dinos? It doesn't seem to me like it would even slow down the sorts of troops being deployed here, especially if they know the dinos are programmed not to attack people (or have a copy of the direction app. I think it'd be just giving them more weapons at that point). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted March 8, 2020 Report Share Posted March 8, 2020 I loved the action in this. I LOVED M's POV and foul mouth in sewage tunnel. Though at times, I did get confused. I know she was crawling, but at one point, I thought she was walking hunched over. After, when she started climbing the fence, I kept thinking, "why didn't they do that in first place." I had that same thought again when they blew up the fence. It made it seem like the whole stinking (pun intended) crawl was for nothing. On 3/6/2020 at 2:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: "Send two raptors" -- Aren't they programmed to not attack humans? Are the troops not human? How would the dinos know? I guess I'm confused why the dinos would stop or distract the troops longer than it would take to shoot the animals from a distance and move on. Is this doing anything other than needlessly killing a couple dinos? It doesn't seem to me like it would even slow down the sorts of troops being deployed here, especially if they know the dinos are programmed not to attack people (or have a copy of the direction app. I think it'd be just giving them more weapons at that point). Agree! Also, I, like M, was getting attached to them in the way Q thinks M was getting attached to them. On 3/2/2020 at 2:06 PM, kais said: The ending left me a bit confused, and I'm not entirely sure what happened. They got inside, there were guards...then there's some plass that's about to be broken? They're trying to get to the hostages, right? And to do that they have to go through this place with the plass? I was also very confused at the end. I couldn't tell if the soldiers saw them, or just happened to be destroying the door thing they were behind. On 3/3/2020 at 2:31 AM, Sarah B said: Also, please don't skip next week :-) Yes. And at least for the next couple weeks, I should be able to read subs on time! :-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hey Mandamon, thank you so much for reading. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to the responses on this chapter. On 02/03/2020 at 4:48 PM, Mandamon said: I feel like I should be smoking a cigarette after reading this chapter... On 02/03/2020 at 4:48 PM, Mandamon said: I loved M in this one. Lots of good action, very tense the whole way through, and our heroes are Acting! and Protagging! All over the place. This is great start to the climax after getting to this point. Yay! Quote Plus, sads after the raptors, and distrust of N, after the last strange message. Looking forward to next week and wrapping things up! Cool. After Mr. Fox's comments on the last chapter, it's likely that the raptors will get a little more to do in the previous couple of subs since their appearance. On 02/03/2020 at 4:48 PM, Mandamon said: pg 2: "patted her shoulder “Nothing.”" --not sure what this is in relation to. A comment from last chapter? Even if reading straight through, might need a tag on this. Yeah. I think I meant to expand this and then moved on too soon. I've fleshed out a little and she gets to snap at Kr for calling her 'kid'. On 02/03/2020 at 4:48 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: “Action’s moved inside likely” --missing the comma Oops. Ta. Quote pg 3: "More gunfire" --More reaction from the gunfire would be good. How close is it? Are there bullets zinging around? Cna they see anyone who's shooting? Are they in danger? Check. It's still distant, for now... Quote pg 3: "Cause all the TF are out, of course" --I'm blanking on the abbreviation... Terra and then fauna: expanded. Quote pg 4: "Keep talking, right." Lol Pg 4: the curses on this page are priceless. pg 5: "she didn’t give a… " --actually Loled at this. Quote pg 6: "Three-oh-six" --hmmm...spelling this out the second time throws me out. Yah, it's inconsistent, I guess. I was going for stress on the syllables. Quote pg 6: "ripped into the lead beast at fifteen metres and ripped it apart" --this is amazingly tense, but repeated word in this sentence. True, too excited myself when writing!! Subbed the first instance with 'cut'. Quote pg 7: "M released the handle and spun." --I got this the second time, but at first I thought she'd gone through the gate. Right. Switched 'released' for 'abandoned'. Quote pg 7: "The raptors twitched, to get at the mts, no doubt." --I forget the raptors programming. Are they search and destroy for the GE monsters? Essentially, yes. Quote pg 8: "This try-fail stuff is bs!" --Hahah...very meta. M must be an aspiring author, or maybe it's from her English Lit course. Quote pg 8: “The VLs will take on the MTs, right?” --Ah. Question answered. Cool. Quote pg 8: "All fire turned on the tube steel frame and the lock. " --probably WRS, but why did M have do go through the sewer if they could just blast the gate? Didn't she have to unlock it? You ask fair point, and this is a new addition that popped into my head on editing. I guess the answer might be to avoid detection, although that doesn't really address the issues of the monitoring on the waste pipe. I could say glibly that they are making this up as they go alone, but that's not entirely satisfactory. I think that might have to do. They have really discussed the physical practicalities of it. I will think on this, but I think the pipe will be unmonitored. Quote pg 9: "were snapped or throats ripped out" --I don't know how I feel about passive voice describing a bloodbath. True: edited. Quote pg 9: "Faster, Dinosaur! Kill! Kill!” --IUnderstoodThatReference.gif Yay!! Quote pg 10: very glad the raptors get a big part in this chapter. Quote pg 11: "an growing" -> "a growing" Changed it back to 'increasing', which I think is how I ended up with an 'an'. Quote pg 11: "“How much of this did you engineer, really?” --Yeeeeahhh...suddenly not trusting MC that much. <--- poker face Quote pg 11: “Makes sense,” said M, “if the experiments are roaming the countryside.” --not sure this follows. What does them being created underground have to do with roaming the countryside? Yeah, too much of a jump. She meant makes sense DM would go there. Fixed. Quote pg 12: awww...raptors. Quote pg 13: "admit two, four, six soldiers into the space between the doors." --Had some trouble with this blocking. Is this the invading soldiers coming through the front doors? Security guards inside the building? I was aiming to play on confusion, but maybe that's not a good idea here. Strictly speaking, only one set of SWAT-types are soldiers (the National Guard), then there are FBI and DM's black ops team washing around, In theory, soldiers should be enough of a descriptor, but if it's causing confusion, I will review. Quote pg 13: "“Lower your weapon,” said D, “and back away." --confused. Who's he talking to? Soldiers? The team? Are the soldiers in a room with them, or still behind closed doors? There are two sets of clear doors between then at first. They come through the first pair, but can't open the second. D's talking to Q et al. I have tweaked to clarify. Quote pg 13: "holding up his hands, moving slowly in the face of the ranked weapons." --Who's captured who now? I feel like the soldiers are still behind closed doors. They are, clarified now. Q does not raise his hands, which hopefully dispels the impression they've been captured. If the second set of doors had opened, perhaps they would have been. Quote --Ah, reading to the end I see they are. The whole last page needs some help with blocking, but otherwise, this chapter was very enjoyable! Yes, blocking off, thank for flagging. Hopefully clearer now. Really glad you enjoyed it!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: This is my second critique for Reading Excuses, so tell me if I break any rules. And second welcome! Excited to get your perceptive here. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: obviously have not read any previous chapters, so let's see what I get out of this. I'm going to copy @Mandamon above me and do page numbers. I purposefully did not read her critique, because I don't want it to influence mine, but I saw the page numbers and liked that. And I doubly appreciate you reading at the deep end here. Critique formats have tended to converge, but please don't feel tied to it. Also, I find sometimes that page numbers do not exactly align due to documentation formatting and UK vs US page dimensions. Still, it is helpful, and thank you On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg 3: Okay, we have M. in a onsie (I am picturing a onsie from Walmart) with a Glock. I get a chuckle from this visual and want to keep reading. Excellent! The onesie is actually a crime scene, white CSI-type overall, which you totally get in the previous chapter, but not here. So, the image you have is maybe not quite the one intended, but I'm glad you like it!! On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg 3: Velociraptors, people with peculiar names, a girl with a onsie and a Glock, in a warzone. I have absolutely no clue what is going on, but I'm ready to dive into this madness. D.'s words about the G. system remind me I am missing an entire book. So, hey, not sure if you are going to get anything out of this, but I get to practice critiquing! I am absolutely getting something from it, thank you! On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 5: I have no clue what the TF is and can't guess from the abbreviation. Not sure if this is common knowledge or not. Keep talking. Curses. Excellent. It is tense, I am worried for this character I have just met shimming towards this madness looking for a manhole. And yet, I get to have a chuckle at the...inventiveness of the curses. Good instincts. @Mandamon didn't twig TF and he's been reading from the start. It's a compound or portmanteau word that start with Terra, in the way of Terra-forming, and ends with Fauna, the sense being scientists making new animals out of the genetic material of various other species. I've spelled it out, because it's been a while since it was mentioned previously. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 6: I have noticed how much you vary the length in your sentences and I like it. It keeps things interesting and you have a clear style. Awesome! It means a lot to hear someone say that who has just picked up chapter 27 On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 7: M. is okay! - M. is not okay, nobody is okay, there are mad beasts about. Out of the frying pan and into the oil. Yus <fist pump>. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 7: Wait, the velociraptors are controlled by an app? Like, a phone app? Confusion. Ah, yes. This comes from the previous chapter(s). All I can do is ask you to accept just a little more madness and keep going The VLs were Brough to you by the same people who engineered the TF. They are really just a highly bespoke variant of TF, one that started with a well-defined template. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg 8: It was M. yelling "Ahhh!" Right? It was. I thought I could get away with that given it's in her POV, and she starts the paragraph. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg 10: Abbreviations. VL's are our dino buddies, while MT's are the slavering dog beasts from hell? Close enough! On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg.10: Pseudo-dinosaurs controlled by an app. I want to know more. Are we talking little velociraptors, or are we talking Jurassic Park style velociraptors? InGen / John Hammond / JP variety all the way. Circa 2m tall. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 10: "Kill! Kill!" M., I don't know you, but I like you, you feisty girl. Perfect! 'Everybody' seems to luv M. Q, unfortunately for him, takes the role of the straight man ( ), almost always, which tends to mean he's rather in her shadow in terms of colour, but I like to think together they are more than the sum of their parts. There are numerous POVs in the book. Mostly Q, then M, then some bit players like E, DM, Kr. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 11: I didn't know the source of conflict, but I know that there are hostages, somebody bad that rhymes with Norton and his buddy T., and that the government is incompetent, just like always. Awesome. Pleased these things are clear. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 11: "Pogram" Do you mean program? Nope. It's a M-stylee play on words: pogrom /ˈpɒɡrəm,ˈpɒɡrɒm/ noun 1. an organized massacre of a particular ethnic group, in particular that of Jews in Russia or eastern Europe. She's from Italy originally, so being in the heart of Europe, it's definitely a word she would now if she was studying history (which she is, she's 14 and in secondary education). On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: Pg. 15: Cliffhanger! Noooooo! I hope this is 'Nooooo!' in a good way? I try to follow the approach (espoused, in part, by Mr. Sanderson) that cliffhangers are okay in moderation and have their place. I know Brandon advocates delivering the punch, and then playing out the aftermath in the next chapter, and I think I do that too, sometimes. This was really helpful, and it's very encouraging to know that someone can dip in to the story (certainly near the end anyway) and get enough to be keen to keep reading. Thanks for much for your comments, @Snakenaps 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 (edited) Sorry! Forgot I had only quite up to your overall impression. So... p.s. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: So I'm just going to give my impressions, as if I am some random reader at Barnes and Noble who chooses books by flipping to a random section. Perfect. It's a very useful perspective. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: I don't know if M. is in a literal onsie (I'm guessing more of a military, useful onsie, now), but I was immediately interested by a trash-talking woman with a voice-activated Glock and app-controlled velociraptors. Ah, yes. Explained above in my response. I think the rest will be okay with it, as it was well established for them that it was a CSI onesie. ...and M is, fourteen, but almost fifteen!! (Her birthday is January, 23rd). On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: the action was easy to follow and tense. M.'s remarks allowed me a moment to breath without losing the intensity of the situation. This chapter flew by, but I am sitting here immediately wanting to know what happens next, despite having no previous emotion attachment or really understanding of the situation. I wish I was actually at Barnes and Noble flipping through this book, so I could purchase it and go back to the beginning. My mind is properly boggled. Thank you so much, this is really awesome motivation and encouragement. It's not all wine and roses to get to this point of (largely) unrestrained action. As long-time readers might tell you there has been quite a bit of travel to get here to Yellowknife (from British Columbia), and chapters where the action was probably insufficient in terms of pushing momentum, but it's really encouraging to know that the end has started well. Thank you again. On 02/03/2020 at 6:13 PM, Snakenaps said: This is my second critique for Reading Excuses, so tell me if I break any rules. p.p.s. Your critique style is perfect, IMO. Edited March 14, 2020 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hey, Kais, thank you so much for reading and commenting. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: Good action, and the M POV was, as always, an absolute delight! Q's POV was fine too, and I enjoyed the movement into the facility and the blood dino battle. That's good! On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: The ending left me a bit confused, and I'm not entirely sure what happened. They got inside, there were guards...then there's some plass that's about to be broken? They're trying to get to the hostages, right? And to do that they have to go through this place with the plass? Yes, accepted. I've tried to clarify this blocking issue. The soldiers 'appear' in the outer reception area with two pairs of 'glass' doors between them and our heroes. They open the first set of doors, but the second set don't open, hence the (intended) use of guns to try and shatter them. It's a Gen Ex security feature. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: But other than that, I found this very satisfying, with good movement to the ending. Can't wait for tearful reunions and awkward children things and the whole final boss battle! On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 2: I adore that opening line! Awesome. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 3: ****** is a racial slur, just FYI. May be in character for M but it's almost as bad as the N word in many communities Right. I mean, while not knowing that, I know where it comes from. From limited research it 'seems' that the predominant usage is still in the original sense of the word. I'll see how it plays across all the crits, but I'm open to changing it to something else that gives the same impression as common (I think) usage of being cheated. In fact, I'm trying 'ditched' instead, but it doesn't have the same sense of being tricked, so I think it's inferior. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 3: did you mean 'quick AND clipped'? I did. Ta. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 3: LOL at berserker battle fury! On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 4: She breathed, gasped, coughed for forged on <-- typo somewhere in here Oops. Thanks. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 5: love the pun! Also tension great through here. You can really smell what M smells and wow do I want her out of there as much as she does! Perfect. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 6: MANGE!!! Chekov's beast. Just don't leave on on your mantlepiece! On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 7: YESSSSS she got one! I am so into this On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 8: Just a style suggestion here, but I think these two sentences should be on different lines, for full effect: “I’m fine.” She really, really stank. I'm cool with that. On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 9: I laughed so hard because I was shouting and it turns out M was shouting the same thing a few lines later! <3 On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 11: There’s an growing probability <-- typo Thanks. Change to 'increasing', because it's Q| (= Mr. Flowery Mouth). On 02/03/2020 at 7:06 PM, kais said: - pg 11: I don't know if the line about teasing details gently is needed. I don't think anyone expects gentleness in this scenario. They're all a little unhinged Cool. Replaced with 'too tired for subtlety'. I'm really pleased this worded for you. Onwards and upwards!! Thank you again 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hey, Sarah, thanks so much for reading. On 03/03/2020 at 7:31 AM, Sarah B said: Loved this chapter! Hurrah! Also, please don't skip next week :-) Hurrah!! And I didn't!! (for once...). On 03/03/2020 at 7:31 AM, Sarah B said: The only thing I caught that hasn't been mentioned, is from the MT vs Raptors. There is a line that the MTs didn't "get anywhere near" the Raptors, not technically true if the raptors are tearing them apart. Excellent point: I love this. 100%, unequivocally, unarguably correct. I will change. On 03/03/2020 at 7:31 AM, Sarah B said: Thanks for sharing! It was my pleasure! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading and commenting. On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: Over all, I thought this was a very good chapter. It's really nice to finally be getting some action and payoff and I'm excited to read more! I did get confused with some of the blocking around the action scenes, and everyone's position relative to each other. Excellent. Sorry about the long (days plural) journey into night, but I got there in the end!! Thanks for your patience Yes, the blocking at the end definitely is an issue and I've sought to clear it up. On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: I agree with @kais, that's not a great word to use and a more appropriate one can probably be found. Stiff? Bilk? Skip/run out on? Leave in the lurch? Leave high and dry? Leave holding the bag/baby? Oh, 'stiff', yes, that's definitely better than my sub of 'ditch'. Thank you. On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: I have forgotten what the acronym TF means. I hope it's just WRS, but if it hasn't come up in text recently, it might be worth it spell it out again as a reminder Maybe WRS, but I've changed it anyway, as you're not alone in not having it to mind. On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: It was a little confusing, but I really liked how tense M's crawl was. Very good! Cool! I'll take that disorientation as acceptable under the circumstances. On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: I figured D would be using the phonetic alphabet for shouting the gate code, since I thought they were a decent distance apart? Or are they close enough it doesn't matter. I'm a bit hazy on everyone's relative positions in general though YES!! Of course he should. Definitely. Excellent call, thank you for this. What I *love* about it, through complete coincidence, is that the last letter is 'Z', which brings to mind reference to the movie Zulu where forces are completely outnumbered by defending hoards (putting aside the unfortunate colonial connotations, cough). On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: "This try-fail stuff" -- lol! On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: "Faster, Dinosaur!" -- So many in jokes lol It's M, she loves a 'pop' culture (or should that be historical?) reference, as you know. On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: "pogrom" -- Going all out with the jokes, apparently, See above On 06/03/2020 at 7:19 PM, industrialistDragon said: "Send two raptors" -- Aren't they programmed to not attack humans? Are the troops not human? How would the dinos know? I guess I'm confused why the dinos would stop or distract the troops longer than it would take to shoot the animals from a distance and move on. Is this doing anything other than needlessly killing a couple dinos? It doesn't seem to me like it would even slow down the sorts of troops being deployed here, especially if they know the dinos are programmed not to attack people (or have a copy of the direction app. I think it'd be just giving them more weapons at that point). Completely fair to challenge this, of course, and it was in my mind as I sent Reed and Sue out into the dark. I might add a tag about it being a hopefully diversionary tactic to buy a little time (hopefully), but not at all guaranteed to succeed. Great comments. Thank you! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hey SSmooth, thank so much for reading. On 08/03/2020 at 0:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said: I loved the action in this. I LOVED M's POV and foul mouth in sewage tunnel. Though at times, I did get confused. I know she was crawling, but at one point, I thought she was walking hunched over. After, when she started climbing the fence, I kept thinking, "why didn't they do that in first place." I had that same thought again when they blew up the fence. It made it seem like the whole stinking (pun intended) crawl was for nothing. Awesome, but yes, you're not the first to raise this. I'm taking a note to clarify the rationale for pipe vs. gate vs. climbing the fence. I think I might need to trace it back to Kr's borrowing the YSD SUV. We don't see Q lifting the onesie packet, we only learn about him doing it when he produced it for M. I can see a future CSI onesie having protective properties, such as from accidental electrocution, which could be used in climbing the fence (which is electrified). All needs to be tightened up, I agree. On 08/03/2020 at 0:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said: Agree! Responded to ID thus: 29 minutes ago, Robinski said: Completely fair to challenge this, of course, and it was in my mind as I sent Reed and Sue out into the dark. I might add a tag about it being a hopefully diversionary tactic to buy a little time (hopefully), but not at all guaranteed to succeed. On 08/03/2020 at 0:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said: Also, I, like M, was getting attached to them in the way Q thinks M was getting attached to them. On 08/03/2020 at 0:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said: I was also very confused at the end. I couldn't tell if the soldiers saw them, or just happened to be destroying the door thing they were behind. Ah. That's a slightly different perspective again. I've certainly changed the blocking up already, but will look at this too. (Now tagged.) On 08/03/2020 at 0:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said: On 03/03/2020 at 7:31 AM, Sarah B said: Also, please don't skip next week :-) Yes. And at least for the next couple weeks, I should be able to read subs on time! :-) Well, I just about made it okay last week (give or take a couple of days), and I really want to keep on schedule now that we're in the final run-in. Thanks so much for commenting. Much appreciated 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted April 16, 2020 Report Share Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) I actually don’t have much to say about this chapter overall! The crawl through the manhole was certainly effective. My biggest question right now is what if anything N is doing to help the crew beyond telling them to go to Lvl 5. I sort of expected doors to open and lights to flash or whatever given N’s demonstrated technical prowess so far. Could be interesting, in future chapters if not this one, to see Q and M wonder if N is actually pulling his weight. Likewise, would be interesting to see Q actually interrogate E on what she actually knows about N and the habitat. Just in general, Q seems to have asked her remarkably few questions so far. As I read: I was not expecting the characters to just carry on while the gunfire happened in the background, but once I was over the initial “wait, what?” I like that that’s what they’re doing. P2: Flagging the word “g*pped” because it’s a slur (from the word “g*psy” which is also a slur) so requires careful consideration before using. P3 “...moved inside likely” need a comma after “likely.” And probably after “inside.” Bottom of p3 M says “light on,” but she’s already turned the light on? Also, I’m having difficulty parsing the phrase that follows, “shuffled on elbows.” Didn’t get it until the top of p4 when I was reminded that she was crawling. Oh, ick, ick M’s curses get more hilarious the farther down she goes. I approve. P4 “coughed for forged on” broken sentence here. Maybe meant “coughed, forged on”? ...couldn’t see the manhole” as in she can’t see the other end? Or is she trying to look over her shoulder? Because that would probably be painful in such tight quarters. Bottom-ish of p4, “pull the level” meant “lever” here, I suspect. Where did all these MTs come from? I somehow thought there were only four of them. Minor, of course, but I’m always slightly baffled by Q and M’s tendency to use acronyms for the various TF (hah, look what I did there) in their dialogue and especially their thoughts. Might make sense for E, because it’s her organization, and for K, because no self-respecting para-military type will use a word when an acronym will do, but seems a bit out of place for Q and M. p9 “...a resurgence of energy, from somehow” should be “somehow” or “from somewhere” p10 “the dinos brayed alternately” I understand what’s being conveyed here, but awkward turn of phrase IMO. p10“getaway scot free” “get away” should be two words in this context. Also, extra period after the question mark. Why on earth are they still sending troops in if they’re less than 45 minutes from blowing up the whole darn building? I like the matter-of-fact way the VLs are dispensed with. More effective this way than dwelling on it, I think. Poor M. Although… if the VLs are programmed not to attack humans, which the soldiers presumably know, would they be a particularly convincing threat, or effective delay, to the soldiers to begin with? p12: I initially assumed the doors separating our protagonists from the soldiers are frosted, or the like, because the soldiers don’t immediately seem to react to the party’s presence or acknowledge that they’ve seen them. I was going to read through the other critiques as usual at the end of this, but in skimming through them now I think I'd only be agreeing with everyone anyway. Edited April 17, 2020 by Silk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: I actually don’t have much to say about this chapter overall! The crawl through the manhole was certainly effective. My biggest question right now is what if anything N is doing to help the crew beyond telling them to go to Lvl 5. I sort of expected doors to open and lights to flash or whatever given N’s demonstrated technical prowess so far. Could be interesting, in future chapters if not this one, to see Q and M wonder if N is actually pulling his weight. Yay. And, oh, I seem to be going backwards... I'm sure there is a line somewhere where they do ask the question about N. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: Likewise, would be interesting to see Q actually interrogate E on what she actually knows about N and the habitat. Just in general, Q seems to have asked her remarkably few questions so far. Yes - that's fair. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: I was not expecting the characters to just carry on while the gunfire happened in the background, but once I was over the initial “wait, what?” I like that that’s what they’re doing. Cool. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: P2: Flagging the word “g*pped” because it’s a slur (from the word “g*psy” which is also a slur) so requires careful consideration before using. Yeah, I cut it already. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: P3 “...moved inside likely” need a comma after “likely.” And probably after “inside.” Check. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: Bottom of p3 M says “light on,” but she’s already turned the light on? Also, I’m having difficulty parsing the phrase that follows, “shuffled on elbows.” Didn’t get it until the top of p4 when I was reminded that she was crawling. Edited. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: M’s curses get more hilarious the farther down she goes. I approve. Mission accomplished! On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: P4 “coughed for forged on” broken sentence here. Maybe meant “coughed, forged on”? Yup. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: ...couldn’t see the manhole” as in she can’t see the other end? Or is she trying to look over her shoulder? Because that would probably be painful in such tight quarters. The one ahead. Clarified. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: Bottom-ish of p4, “pull the level” meant “lever” here, I suspect. Check. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: Where did all these MTs come from? I somehow thought there were only four of them. There's a reference somewhere way back to breeding more, or rather, readying more for release. It's not that they have an unlimited supply, but they have spare and can run the process to produce more. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: Minor, of course, but I’m always slightly baffled by Q and M’s tendency to use acronyms for the various TF (hah, look what I did there) in their dialogue and especially their thoughts. Might make sense for E, because it’s her organization, and for K, because no self-respecting para-military type will use a word when an acronym will do, but seems a bit out of place for Q and M. Hmm. Good point. I figured they would pick it up from the others, but I'll think about that. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: p9 “...a resurgence of energy, from somehow” should be “somehow” or “from somewhere” Lol. Yes, thanks. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: p10 “the dinos brayed alternately” I understand what’s being conveyed here, but awkward turn of phrase IMO. Hmm. I'll consider that. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: p10“getaway scot free” “get away” should be two words in this context. Also, extra period after the question mark. Check. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: Why on earth are they still sending troops in if they’re less than 45 minutes from blowing up the whole darn building? Why indeed? On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: I like the matter-of-fact way the VLs are dispensed with. More effective this way than dwelling on it, I think. Poor M. Although… if the VLs are programmed not to attack humans, which the soldiers presumably know, would they be a particularly convincing threat, or effective delay, to the soldiers to begin with? Yeah, maybe, it's one of the few delaying tactics they have, so worth a try. On 16/04/2020 at 6:12 AM, Silk said: p12: I initially assumed the doors separating our protagonists from the soldiers are frosted, or the like, because the soldiers don’t immediately seem to react to the party’s presence or acknowledge that they’ve seen them. I've tweaked the wording. I think it's clearer. Great comments, as always, Silk. Thank you so much! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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