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Robinski

Robinski - 200218 - TCC Chapter 1A (26) - 3834 words (LV)

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Dear all,
 
A new chapter, the next one in fact, as luck would have it.
 
For continuity purposes, in the second re-write of the previous chapter, the group went to the house where they expected to find TT and MR, as previous. Now the VLs play a more active part in getting the drop on the agents. The second call from MC is cut and the information is conveyed more organically (I think) through the conversation with the SAC.
 
This latest chapter is just edited and has lost 700 words from where it was a week ago. So, I'm hoping it's tighter and more pacy and momentous.
 
Any and all comments very much appreciated.
 
Best, Robinski
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Some good action and tension in this chapter. I really like the raptor controls, and the tension that comes from wondering how well they'll obey. The countdown gives some extra tension as well, as does the roadblock.

That said...this is again traveling to a destination. They don't actually achieve anything here except get close to the facility. They don't even get in the access tunnel. When the goals were stated at the beginning of the chapter, I assumed they'd be in the building by the end of the chapter. Hoping they'll be there next chapter.


pg 4: "he needs rid of DM too"
--was this ever firmly established? Probably WRS, but I can't remember how they are certain that TOM is turning against DM.

pg 4: "Dre. Mor."
--who? Is this a play on DM?

pg 5: like the fantastic 4 reference. It took me a couple reads to understand exactly what was happening with the raptors. It could do with a little more clarification.

pg 5: “Get it done, now. 0216!”
--not sure what this means.

pg 6: "This does start to look like maturity kicking in"
--lol

pg 6: “0223,” 
--ah...this is a countdown. Didn't get it the first time.

pg 7: "looked pretty comfortable at what must have been about forty k.p.h"
--fast raptors.

pg 7: "the window auto-closed to minimise drag and therefore energy use. "
--cool idea, but would the vehicle still do that if someone overrode it by putting the window down?

pg 9: "She keep an ear" -> "She kept an ear"

pg 10: "The big man dropped the lead."
--I read "buried the lede" the first time I saw this, for some reason, but I'm guessing it's that he accelerated. I think it's that I wasn't sure why he would take off now, rather than at earlier questions. Surely Government vehicle would be an easy one to answer, with him being a cop?

pg 14: "She began to cry."
--I guess just over the stress of the situation, as Q getting a cover for her seems...more practical than anything. I think any of the others would have done the same. This doesn't really reverberate with me as a caring gesture, just more something that needed to be done.

pg 14: Good last line. I'm wondering if the air raid came early?


 

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I really enjoyed this chapter! It was very tense, and it seems like there was a good change to the previous chapter. I do, however, agree with @Mandamon that this is yet another "getting ready to get ready" chapter. It's one of the ones I think needs to stay, but there's just so very many of them we've gone through to get here. I like that they've arrived, that feels like some kind of progress, at least. I am just not sure how I'd feel if I was reading this all at once, if this would be enough, after going through all the rest, you know?

I will go against trope and disagree that Q giving M the coverall isn't worth crying over at least a little. There are more ways to express love than just sex and flat statements and I find it easy to believe that Q making the gesture would be about caring, at least in part, (in addition to being practical. Things can have more than one meaning), and very easy to believe that someone with M's background would interpret it as a caring gesture. It definitely made me go "aww,"  anyway. 

 

 

As I go:

Yay M! Oh the dinos are inside now? That's fun. 

I already like this figuring out dialogue much better than having the info dropped onto them. 

I do really appreciate the "just the facts" reminder of how all the corporations fit together

And now he's N, not just "the child." INN-teresting...  

I highly approve of the raptor pun. Top of my list of favorite pseudo-real pun-or-pun-adjacent program names in this series. 

That was a really tense end. I'm on team dinosaur for sure. :)

 

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Fun chapter! Alot of little lines and moments that I enjoyed as well.

"She'd teach him sometime." I like M's little asides, particularly this one.

About 25% Her eyebrows launched..." its been a while since a 'her' has been mentioned at this point. Might be good to identify M instead of her.

I also like the raptor controls. Chris Pratt would be jealous of that app.

About 50%: left at 43: this is just a preference probably, but if 43 is a highway or logging road etc "on the 43" sounds better to my ear. If it's a mile/km marker 'at' makes sense but I would like to know what 43 is. 

"F-ing all the chocolate..." this phrasing makes sense for M, but you might turn it around to "All the F-ing chocolate...." the current word order makes it sounds like she might want permission to violate all the chocolate and puppies and a pony. Or maybe she did that on purpose. It just caught my eye. 

Thanks for sharing!

 

 

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Hey Mandamon, many thanks for commenting.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

Some good action and tension in this chapter. I really like the raptor controls, and the tension that comes from wondering how well they'll obey. The countdown gives some extra tension as well, as does the roadblock.

Good, that was the aim.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

That said...this is again traveling to a destination. They don't actually achieve anything here except get close to the facility. They don't even get in the access tunnel. When the goals were stated at the beginning of the chapter, I assumed they'd be in the building by the end of the chapter. Hoping they'll be there next chapter.

Yes, this was the pitfall. I had hoped there was enough happening to carry the chapter, as it were. I'm not sure I'll really find out how much of an overall problem this is until a full alpha read, which I guess would seriously highlight structural drag. But I'll have an edit at the thing before then and seek to trip / streamline some of the earlier travel, which hopefully would make this later travel more palatable, given that it's more tense too.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

I can't remember how they are certain that TOM is turning against DM.

I would not say they are certain. It's Q's assumption, based on his experience of Tom. Maybe I need to highlight that this is an assumption. I've tweaked the wording.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

Is this a play on DM?

It is. Guessing it did not quite land?

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

like the fantastic 4 reference. It took me a couple reads to understand exactly what was happening with the raptors. It could do with a little more clarification.

Okay. I could come right out and have M explain it, but I thought it was more fun to let fans pick it up unaided. I'll see how it plays among all readers, but noted, and glad you liked it :) 

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

“Get it done, now. 0216!”
--not sure what this means.

It's a time flag, but I appreciate it's kind of hanging. I've hung a small lantern on it by adding 'It's...'

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

"looked pretty comfortable at what must have been about forty k.p.h"
--fast raptors.

Yeah, maybe too fast. I looked at other animals and tried to scale down a bit. That's 25mph. I research a little (cool source!! https://www.speedofanimals.com/?g=t) and thought it was about right.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "the window auto-closed to minimise drag and therefore energy use. "
--cool idea, but would the vehicle still do that if someone overrode it by putting the window down?

I would expect it could be overrode for safety reasons, like if there was an obstacle in the way, or after an impact.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "The big man dropped the lead."
--I read "buried the lede" the first time I saw this, for some reason, but I'm guessing it's that he accelerated. I think it's that I wasn't sure why he would take off now, rather than at earlier questions. Surely Government vehicle would be an easy one to answer, with him being a cop?

Fair point. Strictly speaking, he's not government as a sheriff, but it can see your point. I will consider rewording.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "She began to cry."
--I guess just over the stress of the situation, as Q getting a cover for her seems...more practical than anything. I think any of the others would have done the same. This doesn't really reverberate with me as a caring gesture, just more something that needed to be done.

Fair comment, and on reflection she might reassess why she started crying at that point, but I think her attribute of the emotion is honest enough.

On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: Good last line. I'm wondering if the air raid came early?

Cool, but yes, I had not considered that. I will look at rewording enough to clarify that it was not the airstrike.

Great comments. Many thanks!! :) 

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On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I really enjoyed this chapter! It was very tense, and it seems like there was a good change to the previous chapter. I do, however, agree with @Mandamon that this is yet another "getting ready to get ready" chapter. It's one of the ones I think needs to stay, but there's just so very many of them we've gone through to get here. I like that they've arrived, that feels like some kind of progress, at least. I am just not sure how I'd feel if I was reading this all at once, if this would be enough, after going through all the rest, you know?

Yay for this chapter, and thanks for reading ID, much appreciated. However, yes, I take your point, and see above in response to Mandamon about cutting into earlier travel some more. 

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

It definitely made me go "aww," anyway.

That's perfect. That's what I was aiming for. Maybe reaction will be mixed, but I think it can work on different levels.

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

Yay M! Oh the dinos are inside now? That's fun.

I think the latest chapter is so much better now. Thanks to all for all the excellent comments on the rewritten version and continuing to push me.

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I already like this figuring out dialogue much better than having the info dropped onto them.

:) 

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I do really appreciate the "just the facts" reminder of how all the corporations fit together

Excellent. I wasn't sure if that was a lantern too far, so it's good to know it's serving a purpose for some.

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

And now he's N, not just "the child." INN-teresting...

Heh. I still need to smooth over the whole generational through line in this book, but I think it's coming together on this the second edit.

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

Top of my list of favorite pseudo-real pun-or-pun-adjacent program names in this series.

:D 

On 21/02/2020 at 1:40 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I'm on team dinosaur for sure. :)

That's great! <does the Team Dinosaur dance>

Super comments. Many thanks, ID.

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Many thanks for reading, Sarah B :) 

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Fun chapter! Alot of little lines and moments that I enjoyed as well.

Excellent!

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

"She'd teach him sometime." I like M's little asides, particularly this one.

So pleased. It's so important that M and Q's voices are completely different, and I really think I'm improving at marking that out in subtle ways. It's been a great learning experience this book, but does mean another rewrite of Book 1 once I get to the end of the trilogy.

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

About 25% Her eyebrows launched..." its been a while since a 'her' has been mentioned at this point. Might be good to identify M instead of her.

Check. I will try it that way.

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

I also like the raptor controls. Chris Pratt would be jealous of that app.

:lol: Movie would have been shorter, methinks.

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

About 50%: left at 43: this is just a preference probably, but if 43 is a highway or logging road etc "on the 43" sounds better to my ear. If it's a mile/km marker 'at' makes sense but I would like to know what 43 is. 

It's totally the name of the road. This is me being a dumb Brit. The signs say '43 Street' and G maps says 43 Street, whereas in NY (for example) G maps says 48th Street, but the street signs still say '48 Street'. I'm guessing in YK they mean 43rd Street but just miss out the ordinal on the sign. I have updated in the text, which clarifies this, I hope.

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

"F-ing all the chocolate..." this phrasing makes sense for M, but you might turn it around to "All the F-ing chocolate...." the current word order makes it sounds like she might want permission to violate all the chocolate and puppies and a pony. Or maybe she did that on purpose. It just caught my eye. 

Ooh. I had not considered that. Good call. Order changed.

Great comments. Thanks so much! :) 

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Catching up, slowly but surely.

Overall

Oh I loved the raptor app! That was a great addition! M POV chapters are always welcome. She brings such a refreshing voice and perspective. 

I had very few problems with this chapter. It was a 'travel' chapter again but it felt like we were finally about to get somewhere, and the dino payoff was well worth it. So, well done, and excited to cruise to the next part!

 

 

As I go

- lol at the curse combo on page 3!

- pg 4: giggled at the app name. Clever!

- pg 5: OMD? What does the D stand for?

- pg 6: I love M's thoughts on maturity

- pg 8: I continue to adore M's POV. More please. Well done to demand a pony!

- pg 10: I don't understand what happened on this page. They got asked about the governmental van, someone drops something, and they speed off??

- pg 11: got captial 'h' on a 'her' in here that should be lower case

- strong ending, though the M beat there at the end could be expanded a bit

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4 hours ago, kais said:

Oh I loved the raptor app! That was a great addition! M POV chapters are always welcome. She brings such a refreshing voice and perspective. 

I had very few problems with this chapter. It was a 'travel' chapter again but it felt like we were finally about to get somewhere, and the dino payoff was well worth it. So, well done, and excited to cruise to the next part!

:D:D:D 

5 hours ago, kais said:

OMD? What does the D stand for?

Earlier in the book, and something I need to fold back into Book 1, is the notion of not referring to G*d, but to Diety as a generic reference designed to avoid potential offence to anyone at all. So, this is Oh my die**y, as opposed to OMG. Not to be confused with 80's British synth pop legends Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (also OMD, of course).

:D 

5 hours ago, kais said:

someone drops something, and they speed off??

Yeah. This is not working. It's to do with WK putting pedal to the metal to drive away from the checkpoint. I will reword.

5 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 11: got captial 'h' on a 'her' in here that should be lower case

Check. Thanks.

5 hours ago, kais said:

- strong ending, though the M beat there at the end could be expanded a bit

Check. Done!

Great comments. Thanks so much for the encouragement :) 

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Robo san,

You've got some cool ideas and solid writing here. I feel like your prose has improved since the last time I read your work. There's a lot of tech-stuff going on, but you do a good job keep the text visceral. It has rhythm and texture, and the humour is always there, and always enjoyable.

However ("damnation it, why does there always have to be a 'however'?") this chapter has some major issues for me, and I fear a major rework is needed. 

By far and away the biggest thing is the lack of conflict. It has the illusion of jeopardy, but nothing really happens.

I find a useful way to talk about conflict is by breaking it down in down into 3 levels: internal (character at odds with themselves), social (characters' desire being opposed, or they just don't like each other) and extrapersonal (conflict with environment / institutions etc). This chapter has basically no internal conflict, no social conflict, and only a smidgen of extrapersonal conflict. You might say "But they get shot at and M's mirror explodes", but really they sail through without any problems. Nothing goes wrong, and that's the problem. 

Your raptor idea is pretty awesome, no doubt. When I read that I shared in M's excitement, and couldn't wait to see what funny or gripping turns were going to come of that, but page after page nothing happens with those raptors, and it left me pretty disappointed. You've got such a good sense of humour - why did it not come out with these dinos? They're far too obedient. Or if you wanted to go the serious/awesome route with them, then why not give us something dramatic? (Example below).Speculating here, but let me ask: when you were writing this, did you have an intuitive feeling of Ok, time to go off-script. The outline was wrong ? I ask because  I sense that you might be saving the raptors for something that you'd planned in the outline, and felt bound to stick to it, maybe?

By the end of page 6 I was starting to skim-read because I was waiting for an awesome bit with those cool as f*ck raptors, or for something to go wrong for the characters. By page 9 still nothing had happened, so boredom set it, despite the solid writing. At this point I was starting to lose faith that I'd get to enjoy any meaningful conflict in this chapter. This was confirmed when they escape the guards without the slightest of issues.

And still no awesome raptor moment. 

M sees them in the bushes when the guards are questioning them. I thought this was the perfect moment for something to go wrong. Maybe one of the raptors rips a rabbit to shreds and a piece of dripping intestine lands on the guard's shoe, they get busted and one of the character is captured. Just an idea. Something's got to go wrong.

A final point on the guards.. If they remain nameless guards we’re never going to buy that they’re in any real jeopardy.  It’s like they facing low-level foes on a video game, easily brushed aside. Consider bringing one of them to life in vivid, highly specific detail. Make a force of antagonism out of them. Make us go Oh rust, this isn't just a low-level, insignificant foe, this is a living, breathing, highly capable, intelligent individual and he (or she) is on to them!

On the bright side, it's clear you've improved as a writer. I'm totally convinced other parts of this story are wildly entertaining. Keep writing.

LBLs emailed direct.

Edited by Majestic Fox
Forgot to abbreviate character names.
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I was pretty engaged with this one and don't have a lot to critique about it. I'm also diving back in after a bit of a break, so the "travel" aspect of it didn't bother me, but I'm not sure if it is because they are definitely getting somewhere now or because it's been so long since I read the other travel chapters. Either way, this one was great! 

As I read:

"D hands roving over his weapon..." Missing apostrophe 

"...he needs rid of M" Missing word? Or is this grammatically okay? I'm not sure. 

"Anyone know who MiH... is?" I was a little confused as to what prompted this question. Upon re reading, it made more sense, but I think it was because I wasn't sure which one of them was talking after the screen lit up.

"VL1..." Still confused. 

"My mother warned me about opening strange links," I loved this line! And by now I figured out that this came through on one of their handset.

I love the app! To be honest though, when I first saw it, I thought they were going to ride the Vs and was a little dissapointed when they were just an escort. 

I did not get the reference that names were connected to. 

The ending made me eager to read the next chapter. 

Heading over to that thread now.

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On 28/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, Majestic Fox said:

You've got some cool ideas and solid writing here. I feel like your prose has improved since the last time I read your work. There's a lot of tech-stuff going on, but you do a good job keep the text visceral. It has rhythm and texture, and the humour is always there, and always enjoyable.

Hey Mr. Fox, thank you so much for reading. I'm super glad you think I'm improving. That's great to hear.

On 28/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, Majestic Fox said:

By far and away the biggest thing is the lack of conflict. It has the illusion of jeopardy, but nothing really happens.

Noted. I'll go through all your comments first before responding.

On 28/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, Majestic Fox said:

internal (character at odds with themselves), social (characters' desire being opposed, or they just don't like each other) and extrapersonal (conflict with environment / institutions etc). This chapter has basically no internal conflict, no social conflict, and only a smidgen of extrapersonal conflict. You might say "But they get shot at and M's mirror explodes", but really they sail through without any problems. Nothing goes wrong, and that's the problem.

Good point, well made (and accepted).

On 28/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, Majestic Fox said:

Something's got to go wrong.

Yes, accepted. See below.

On 28/02/2020 at 10:58 PM, Majestic Fox said:

Make a force of antagonism out of them.

This was 50% timing issue and 50% the fact that they have been through checkpoints on two separate occasions in the story. THIS SAID, you are right that there is scope to make a moment of high conflict out of this situation. I'm not going to knee-jerk straight into a rewrite now, as I really want to get to the end of this edit, but will put a big flag on these issues.

[Chapter 1A needs more Q internal dialogue/pressure/tension; something going wrong with the raptors (dial them up?); and the worst (verging on disaster) checkpoint moment in the history of fiction.]

I've been battling with a tendency for travel to drag the pace down. I think I've done a certain amount to address that, not least by cutting 10K words in this draft so far, although I accept there is more to do. So, I've been work towards paring down and sharpening, but I accept what you're saying about conflict. Part of the issue, I'm convinced, is that Q's internal voice / emotions nee to be bolstered, and that will help with this chapter, but also, I was conscious of not slowing them down at the checkpoint too much. Having said this, the idea of the raptors causing mischief did enter my head, but I thought I could carry the chapter based on the tension. Maybe I could have if Q's voice had been stronger, but I think I will do as you suggest and have something go wrong. I will flag that here and save for the next edit (probably), as time is short and I have another project in the offing.

As always, I appreciate your candour, sir, and doff my chapeau to your ability to keep me focused on the important things :) 

<R>

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Posted (edited)

On 07/03/2020 at 11:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was pretty engaged with this one and don't have a lot to critique about it. I'm also diving back in after a bit of a break, so the "travel" aspect of it didn't bother me, but I'm not sure if it is because they are definitely getting somewhere now or because it's been so long since I read the other travel chapters. Either way, this one was great! 

Hey SSmooth, thank you so much for diving back in, much appreciated, and very pleased that this chapter worked for you. This said, I think there is enough dissatisfaction that it's worth me dialling up a couple of aspects in relation to the raptors and the checkpoint, to inject more tension. I really think I can do that without breaking it, or bloating it.

Quote

"D hands roving over his weapon..." Missing apostrophe

Check.

Quote

"...he needs rid of M" Missing word? Or is this grammatically okay? I'm not sure. 

I think it's the UK expression 'rid of' that's causing the misstep? It's used in the sense of 'to get rid of', but us an abbreviation, obvs.

Quote

"Anyone know who MiH... is?" I was a little confused as to what prompted this question. Upon re reading, it made more sense, but I think it was because I wasn't sure which one of them was talking after the screen lit up.

I've tagged it. Clearer now, I think.

Quote

"VL1..." Still confused. 

He's reading out the name of the file. My it's clumsy, and unnecessary.

Quote

"My mother warned me about opening strange links," I loved this line! And by now I figured out that this came through on one of their handset.

Cool :) 

Quote

I love the app! To be honest though, when I first saw it, I thought they were going to ride the Vs and was a little disappointed when they were just an escort.

Well, with reference to Mr. Fox's observations (above) and suggestion, it's very likely that the raptor's role, or at least profile, will be enhanced.

Quote

I did not get the reference that names were connected to. 

Ah, well. Not for everyone, I suppose. It's the Fantastic Four, upon whose daring exploits in the MCU (Marvel Comic-book Universe) I was brought up on. Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic); Sue Richards (neé Storm - the Invisible Girl); Johnny Storm (The Human Torch); and Ben Grimm aka The Thing.

687667._SX360_QL80_TTD_.jpg.2e0d7d5ad8080fb020495c7b439fb00a.jpg

Quote

The ending made me eager to read the next chapter. 

Awesome!

Quote

Heading over to that thread now.

Double Awesome!! Thank you so much for reading, and the encouraging comments :) 

Edited by Robinski
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As I read:

Was a bit jarring coming into this chapter, but I’m 100% certain that’s because I haven’t read the most-recently-rewritten version. Which, incidentally, I really want to read after reading your description of the revisions.

And, ooh, ooh! New tinfoil hat theory, which I’m almost certain is wrong but it’s fun to think about anyway. What if N programmed the dinos to follow the crew around to make sure they got back to Gen intact?  

P1 I giggled at the phrase “totally scrutable.”

Also p1, “M’s hand dropped away” Extremely nitpicky, but given that this is M’s POV it struck me as odd that this was written in passive voice.

Bottom of p2 should be “doled out” not “dolled out.” And “remorselessness” instead of “remorseless”

“TOM needs TT and MR to disappear” fine, but again I’m struggling with why he couldn’t have made this happen sooner; he’s framed as even more of a boogeyman than Mor.

P4 “So how would D know he wasn’t releasing N...” Having a bit of trouble following who’s doing what in this sentence.

“...looked to Mo like she was all the uncomfortable.” Slightly broken sentence here?

Oh huh. Tinfoil hat theory confirmed. High five, me!

Bottom p4 “We’re they a pair?” should be “were”

Heh. I like how quickly they become M’s dinos.

Given how protective Q has generally been of M, I’m a bit surprised that he’s the one to suggest M crawling through the pipe.

P12 “Once we start tampering … building security will be alerted.” Why is E only mentioning this now?

Overall: I actually didn't have a ton to say about this chapter. Some good tension and I enjoyed watching M manipulate the VLs. Very curious with the last line to see what's gone wrong (I'll note that I did not think it was the airstrike).

On 2/19/2020 at 8:30 AM, Mandamon said:

That said...this is again traveling to a destination. They don't actually achieve anything here except get close to the facility. They don't even get in the access tunnel.

This is a fair point, although I didn't find it to be a stumbling block for this chapter. It's possible that that's because I'm picking up reading after a little while, though.

On 2/19/2020 at 8:30 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: “Get it done, now. 0216!”
--not sure what this means.

I found the countdown worked for me.

On 2/19/2020 at 8:30 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "The big man dropped the lead."
--I read "buried the lede" the first time I saw this, for some reason, but I'm guessing it's that he accelerated. I think it's that I wasn't sure why he would take off now, rather than at earlier questions. Surely Government vehicle would be an easy one to answer, with him being a cop?

I found this idiom a bit hard to parse, too.  And seconding Mandamon's comment here. If you needed a reason for K to suddenly decide he needs to get the hell out of dodge, you could potentially have the soldiers recognize him as being on the lam?

On 2/19/2020 at 8:30 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "She began to cry."
--I guess just over the stress of the situation, as Q getting a cover for her seems...more practical than anything. I think any of the others would have done the same. This doesn't really reverberate with me as a caring gesture, just more something that needed to be done.

I actually really liked this moment. Making the whole thing slightly less unpleasant is hardly necessary, and it strikes me as one of the mundane little things that could very much be what breaks someone's composure, especially when tensions are already running high. (I liked Q's bafflement as well.) That said, considering they've been in a van this whole time, I do wonder where Q got it to begin with.

On 2/24/2020 at 8:37 AM, Sarah B said:

"F-ing all the chocolate..." this phrasing makes sense for M, but you might turn it around to "All the F-ing chocolate...." the current word order makes it sounds like she might want permission to violate all the chocolate and puppies and a pony. Or maybe she did that on purpose. It just caught my eye. 

I  started laughing uncontrollably when I read this, and am now dead.

On 2/24/2020 at 2:44 PM, Robinski said:

I would not say they are certain. It's Q's assumption, based on his experience of Tom. Maybe I need to highlight that this is an assumption. I've tweaked the wording.

I think part of this is that Q tends to sound very confident when he's making assumptions, and in this case the others let it ride, so it was definitely easy to interpret the original version of this dialogue as a sure thing.

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Hey @Silk, thank you so much for reading. Apologies for the delay in responding. TOO MUCH HAPPENING!!!

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Was a bit jarring coming into this chapter, but I’m 100% certain that’s because I haven’t read the most-recently-rewritten version. Which, incidentally, I really want to read after reading your description of the revisions.

Cool. 

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

And, ooh, ooh! New tinfoil hat theory, which I’m almost certain is wrong but it’s fun to think about anyway. What if N programmed the dinos to follow the crew around to make sure they got back to Gen intact?

:ph34r:

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

P1 I giggled at the phrase “totally scrutable.”

Excellent :D I think there is a word for words in English that don't have an opposite. I forget what it is now... <consults the internet> Ah, yes, unpaired words. Like 'Postpone', apparently in India they say 'Prepone', but not very much. Scrutable does not seem to fall into this category, for what it's worth.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Also p1, “M’s hand dropped away” Extremely nitpicky, but given that this is M’s POV it struck me as odd that this was written in passive voice.

Take your point. I was trying to distinguish between M and E, but I don't want it to sound weird. I've changed it.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Bottom of p2 should be “doled out” not “dolled out.” And “remorselessness” instead of “remorseless”

Check and... I was going for cool phrasing, but I've reworded to make it clearer.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

“TOM needs TT and MR to disappear” fine, but again I’m struggling with why he couldn’t have made this happen sooner; he’s framed as even more of a boogeyman than Mor.

Well, all I've got really is that it was M's job to find them and he could not.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

P4 “So how would D know he wasn’t releasing N...” Having a bit of trouble following who’s doing what in this sentence.

Cleaned up, I think.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

“...looked to Mo like she was all the uncomfortable.” Slightly broken sentence here?

Tidied up.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Oh huh. Tinfoil hat theory confirmed. High five, me!

Hi five indeed! :) 

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Bottom p4 “We’re they a pair?” should be “were”

Check.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Heh. I like how quickly they become M’s dinos.

Excellent.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Given how protective Q has generally been of M, I’m a bit surprised that he’s the one to suggest M crawling through the pipe.

Okay. I liked to think he was hedging pretty hard, and demonstrating how uncomfortable he was with it. I'll note it for the next edit.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

P12 “Once we start tampering … building security will be alerted.” Why is E only mentioning this now?

Emmmmmmm, because the ideas were coming to me around this point. I'll need to try and tidy up here. These last few chapters were rewritten pretty heavily, so they are probably needing more tidying (even) than the earlier ones.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

Overall: I actually didn't have a ton to say about this chapter. Some good tension and I enjoyed watching M manipulate the VLs. Very curious with the last line to see what's gone wrong (I'll note that I did not think it was the airstrike).

That's good! I'm pleased. I think one or two folks though it was the airstrike, but buy thinking was it would make a much bigger bang than that.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:
On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

That said...this is again traveling to a destination. They don't actually achieve anything here except get close to the facility. They don't even get in the access tunnel.

This is a fair point, although I didn't find it to be a stumbling block for this chapter. It's possible that that's because I'm picking up reading after a little while, though.

Yeah, there is not much I can say about this. I'll see how it feels to an alpha reader next time through, I think. That's probably months away.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:

I found the countdown worked for me.

Cool :) 

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:
On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "The big man dropped the lead."

I found this idiom a bit hard to parse, too.  And seconding Mandamon's comment here. If you needed a reason for K to suddenly decide he needs to get the hell out of dodge, you could potentially have the soldiers recognize him as being on the lam?

Right. I'll need to ponder this so more.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:
On 19/02/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "She began to cry."
--I guess just over the stress of the situation, as Q getting a cover for her seems...more practical than anything. I think any of the others would have done the same. This doesn't really reverberate with me as a caring gesture, just more something that needed to be done.

I actually really liked this moment. Making the whole thing slightly less unpleasant is hardly necessary, and it strikes me as one of the mundane little things that could very much be what breaks someone's composure, especially when tensions are already running high. (I liked Q's bafflement as well.) That said, considering they've been in a van this whole time, I do wonder where Q got it to begin with.

Well, they were in a vehicle K borrowed from the sheriff's department lot. I might ascribe a bit of WRS here. I'll see what the alpha thinks down the line.

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:
On 24/02/2020 at 4:37 PM, Sarah B said:

"F-ing all the chocolate..." this phrasing makes sense for M, but you might turn it around to "All the F-ing chocolate...." the current word order makes it sounds like she might want permission to violate all the chocolate and puppies and a pony. Or maybe she did that on purpose. It just caught my eye. 

I  started laughing uncontrollably when I read this, and am now dead.

:lol: 

On 29/03/2020 at 5:09 AM, Silk said:
On 24/02/2020 at 10:44 PM, Robinski said:

I would not say they are certain. It's Q's assumption, based on his experience of Tom. Maybe I need to highlight that this is an assumption. I've tweaked the wording.

I think part of this is that Q tends to sound very confident when he's making assumptions, and in this case the others let it ride, so it was definitely easy to interpret the original version of this dialogue as a sure thing.

Uh-huh. Fair comment. I think it's better now.

Great comments, thanks so much for reading, @Silk. I feel that I got off relatively unscathed this time :o;) 

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On 4/6/2020 at 9:41 AM, Robinski said:

Hey @Silk, thank you so much for reading. Apologies for the delay in responding. TOO MUCH HAPPENING!!!

Because as we know, I have a record of being perfectly punctual with my critiques to begin with... :rolleyes: suffice to say I am not too worried about it.

On 4/6/2020 at 9:41 AM, Robinski said:

Okay. I liked to think he was hedging pretty hard, and demonstrating how uncomfortable he was with it. I'll note it for the next edit.

I think the thing that cued me here - and forgive me, I don't have the doc in front of me so this won't be exact - was Q's comment that an adult couldn't fit in grate, with the very strong implication M could. Comes off looking a bit like his suggestion.

On 4/6/2020 at 9:41 AM, Robinski said:

Well, they were in a vehicle K borrowed from the sheriff's department lot. I might ascribe a bit of WRS here. I'll see what the alpha thinks down the line.

Fair point, although I think part of what prompted me to make the comment here was that no matter what the vehicle, M probably should have seen Q reaching for it while they were all on their dino-ride-a-long.

On 4/6/2020 at 9:41 AM, Robinski said:

I feel that I got off relatively unscathed this time :o;) 

Well, I still have a few more chapters to go! ;)

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