20200217 - Fall of the Imperium Ch9 pt 1 - 6091 words - Sub 10

[Mandamon]

Part 1 of Chapter 9 of book 3. So, this is long, apologies. I hope it will be a little more interesting than the last several chapters. I feel like this was where I really started to get the hang of this book. Let me know what you think - any comments are welcome!

Previously (separated by POV):
S/E/I: they arrive in the other facet with their news. The Ari leader is there, E has her problems, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. They all take her to the Ari section, and S goes off with WW to try to pass through the wall. He fails, gets E/I to accompany him, but they are stopped by the Elg and their party is separated.

M: comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of book 2). 

R: Ri and Co have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings. They go back to the Imp, where they engage some of the invaders, with great effort, and then go to a Speaker's estate, where she is collecting refugees.

Re: He and the assassins listen to the LC's plans, while the assassins start to interfere.

[Sarah B]

Very eventful chapter! This is the first time I'm really seeing some personality from I as a new reader of your books. It was nice to get a better sense of him. 

As I go;

When E is shape shifting: "a snail grew" a whole snail or a snail shell?

Around 50%: 'I think I was high ranking' paragraph. The font is the same as E's inner thoughts which was a bit confusing. Also, "the voice said" and other description are in the same font which seems like those words are also being said telepathically. 

Around 60%, while I is debating with himself: "He would be devistated." Is I talking about himself or S at this point? Since he last referred to S, the 'he' seems to refer to S, but context suggests I.

Around 70% "vision warped" paragraph. I was a bit turned around in this paragraph. Starting with I's personal experience, I had assummed that the rest of the paragraph is also his experience and it was him being hijacked by 'black scaly hands' guy. This might be intentional, but I had to turn back and reread a few paragraphs to re-orient when I realized it was all memory.

Thank's for sharing!

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Sarah B!

Good catches. I'll try to clarify those points. 

42 minutes ago, Sarah B said:

Around 70% "vision warped" paragraph. I was a bit turned around in this paragraph. Starting with I's personal experience, I had assummed that the rest of the paragraph is also his experience and it was him being hijacked by 'black scaly hands' guy. This might be intentional, but I had to turn back and reread a few paragraphs to re-orient when I realized it was all memory.

This was somewhat intentional. I is having a hard time separating himself from the memory. That said, if it's too confusing, I'll make it clearer. Will wait for other input...

[Robinski]

Comments!!!  

(page 1)

- Epigraph: I find the phrasing a bit bumpy in places, but 'first draft'.

- I'm marking up the Word file so as not to fill the forum with minor drafting comments.

- First page is compelling. I feel E's stress and the tension of the situation.

(page 2)

- "S must have done something" - Hmm. Not sure that follows automatically, but I suppose him going away might be considered to be doing something, and might cause them to stop oscillating.

- "she must be the only other living thing not an El" - sentence, or at least though, not complete.

- "attention further" - But it was stated they had not noticed her, so she can't raise it further.

- "she had to appear as an El" - Oh, yes. That's good. Surprising, but completely understandable.

- "They had spoken" - Who had? Huh? Don't follow.

- "felt as if" - How can she feel what they are like if she still has organs, and therefore is not like them?

(page 3)

- "only now able to rise to the surface" - Why now? Seems randomly convenient.

- "scuttling like crabs" - Hmm. Crabs have a very particular mode of movement. I'm not sure about this description.

- "They caught up to the first two quickly" - How? Have the first two stopped moving? This troubles me, because it starts to sound like villains acting conveniently for plot purposes, like that horribly artificial Hollywood 'trope' of only attacking one at a time.

- "but they were fast" - Apart from the first two.

- "insides to match her outsides" - Eh? I don't see how that would work. They must look different inside from out.

(page 4)

- "slowed their scuttling" - Except the first two must have slowed before now.

(page 5)

- "not enough left to sustain" - Not enough what?

(page 6)

- "take her away" - But she doesn't know they're taking things away (somewhere else), they could be flashing out of existence for all she knows, surely.

- "They politely didn’t follow" - How does she know they are being polite?

- "streams of nonsense" - I did not think it was nonsense at all. It seemed to make sense. I really don't think she would characterise it as nonsense.

(page 7)

- "It was the third one" - Third what? Unclear, and I don't follow the first paragraph on this page either.

- "the fear she got from the P and F and L" - Where are these creatures? How can she feel their fear (my suggested wording: more urgent).

(page 8)

- "she didn’t know how they did it" - Hmm. But she seemed to be able to feel how they did others things?

(page 10)

- "still arriving... though at a lower rate than the original influx" - E was not there to see that. This sounds out of POV to me.

(page 11)

- "she talked to the speaker" - I'm a bit confused between the speaker as in the voice inside her, and the speaker as in the position in the assembly. I'm not 100% which is being referred to here.

- "The shops beneath were crowded" - But there's no one there. This seems directly contradictory. I don't think the wording is clear.

- "Then where were the El from?" - This didn't land for me, because S has already come to this conclusion, I think, and so this feels rather like we've been at this beat already.

(page 12)

- "It felt like they had walked this path again and again" - But S has walked it way more than In. This didn't land for me.

(page 13)

- "Maybe strike up a conversation with that cute one" - Eh? What? This sounds all wrong. He just ditches his sister and S at the drop of a hat? This came over romantically to me. "E was in danger" - Exactly!! So thinking about moping around here is not something In would do, surely? This crisis feels a bit manufactured to me. The doubt yes, I thought that worked well, but not the initial conclusion of giving up.

- "Just like S" - Yes, the counterpoint of the two's relative confidence and ability to operate under mental 'attack' is nicely done here. This will be a quite visceral, empathetic scene once polished.

- "passed the dia from one hand to another" - If he has not put it on before the end of this chapter I will be righteously disappointed!! 

- "plunged the dia" - Hmm. Something a bit more cautious would seem more appropriate. Surely doing something like this one would not plunge something into one's skull.

(page 14)

- "Part of it was under construction" - Hmm, I'd say it's all under construction. It's like saying the building is complete, apart from the roof.

(page 15)

- "face to face with B" - Confused. This dia, whose is it? I thought it was BP's.

- "Then was this during the A" - Surely if the war had started, this A would be the enemy? How would they be of good standing? "still accepted after the war" - I need more clarity around here. Is this Ar accepted by BP because they are a maj, and therefore have a kind of diplomatic immunity? Why are they not the enemy?

- I forget the distinction between the Bl and Pi.

- "taken from their parent for the sin of their species" - confused. I thought BP was the eff., but forget they are Ar in another form. I'm not thinking of BP as Ar in this scenario. And the body In is inhabiting, I'm forgetting it's BP's other instance, yes? I think there's a need for a couple of lanterns around here. I think maybe it's because these two in this scene are at odds, but they are both Ar, right? And for so long in the books BP was something else (not Ar).

(page 16)

- "The Ar's people" - But both in this scene are Ar, are they not?

- Oh, I forgot that BP had been replaced by the Ar. My bad. Possibly WRS.

- "tenants" > tenets.

- "and anyone who suspected would be replaced" - Eh? By whom? This Ar can't exist as multiple people, surely. That could not operate in the long term.

(page 17)

- "pulled the circlet from where it had been hiding" - Huh? But surely the Ar BP has been wearing the dia since he replaced the original eff in the scene we just saw. So confused.

- "thrust it down" - I still don't buy this violent action to plunge stuff into one's head. Did time flash back then, to when the actual BP put on the dia? But they weren't wearing it when the Ar killed them. Still confused.

- "Which memories?" - I too am lost. 

- "continued to be BP" - So, the meth BP also wore the dia? This was a question I had from previous chapters, whether non-Ar could wear it. Good to have it answered, but was confused for a good couple of pages.

(page 18)

- "were still a viable species" - but surely the Pill's alone are not the only ones remaining, we know that's not true, because In and En's parents were not Pill, were they?

(page 19)

- "like the last leaf falling from a vine" - In my experience, vines do not wither, they are incredibly voracious and spread like, well, vines. Killing and removing them is a major operation and, most likely, they will return anyway. I suspect there is a better plant to use in this analogy.

- I like the memory swirl, but I think it needs edits for clarity and flow. I think it could be streamlined, clipped a bit, and work better. I expect to be disoriented in such a scene, but I think it still needs to be clear at some level.

OVERALL 

I enjoyed how much I learned about the El in this chapter, and I liked the mechanism used to do that. The voices within E worked well, I thought, although they do tend to swamp her character. Some good emotional notes in the In scene, and I'm pleased he put on the dia, but after that I got, really, really confused by what was going on. I liked him getting swept away, but I got too confused by the 'focused' bits and who was who and why. Long old chapter too. Why not split? There's no law against having a short chapter every so often.

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Robinski! Great comments as always, and that really helps to show where things are unclear. LBLs are great.

On E's section: I struggled to describe something with none of the same sensory organs as us, so glad to have some clarity on what's working and what's not.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "she talked to the speaker" - I'm a bit confused between the speaker as in the voice inside her, and the speaker as in the position in the assembly. I'm not 100% which is being referred to here.

Yes, I can clarify this. Having two people speak in italics makes things hard to parse.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

"take her away" - But she doesn't know they're taking things away (somewhere else), they could be flashing out of existence for all she knows, surely.

Can support with more evidence.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "Maybe strike up a conversation with that cute one" - Eh? What? This sounds all wrong. He just ditches his sister and S at the drop of a hat? This came over romantically to me. "E was in danger" - Exactly!! So thinking about moping around here is not something In would do, surely? This crisis feels a bit manufactured to me. The doubt yes, I thought that worked well, but not the initial conclusion of giving up.

Hmmm...yes, I see what you mean. I meant it more as the descriptor of a person he knows, not that he's ditching S for someone else.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "Just like S" - Yes, the counterpoint of the two's relative confidence and ability to operate under mental 'attack' is nicely done here. This will be a quite visceral, empathetic scene once polished.

Cool. I'm hoping to make the anxiety seen in the first two books a kind of strength in this one.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "passed the dia from one hand to another" - If he has not put it on before the end of this chapter I will be righteously disappointed!! 

- "plunged the dia" - Hmm. Something a bit more cautious would seem more appropriate. Surely doing something like this one would not plunge something into one's skull.

Glad the foreshadowing came through! On the "method of application" I was attempting to say that he changed his shape to make it possible, but I'll try to clarify.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- I forget the distinction between the Bl and Pi

Part of this might be WRS, but I can also flesh this out more. Hopefully the changes will also clear up how the Ari are still around.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

confused. I thought BP was the eff., but forget they are Ar in another form. I'm not thinking of BP as Ar in this scenario. And the body In is inhabiting, I'm forgetting it's BP's other instance, yes? I think there's a need for a couple of lanterns around here. I think maybe it's because these two in this scene are at odds, but they are both Ar, right? And for so long in the books BP was something else (not Ar).

 

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Oh, I forgot that BP had been replaced by the Ar. My bad. Possibly WRS.

Hopefully this part is WRS? I'll check for clarity

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "pulled the circlet from where it had been hiding" - Huh? But surely the Ar BP has been wearing the dia since he replaced the original eff in the scene we just saw. So confused

I think I need to add some description to this. The person the POV in the memory who got replaced was not an Ari and didn't wear the diadem. The Ari, once he replaced the Eff, found the diadems as stored artifacts and put one on.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

This was a question I had from previous chapters, whether non-Ar could wear it. Good to have it answered, but was confused for a good couple of pages

I was hoping this question would be answered by the spikes coming off the bottom which would impale a skull!

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "were still a viable species" - but surely the Pill's alone are not the only ones remaining, we know that's not true, because In and En's parents were not Pill, were they?

Yes. They are the ones who chose to stay in this facet and wander. I'll check to see if I can clarify this.

Thanks so much! All this will help immensely.

[industrialistDragon]

Overall: E's section was very good, and I got a lot of good information out of it. I liked the way the slugs were described and the way E lost time (you could totally lean in to that lost time thing and I wouldn't mind a bit! ). I had more trouble with In's section, though. His inner voice felt a lot like S's and I bounced off reading it all the way through a couple times. I didn't have too much trouble figuring out the image/memory montage, but I had a hard time getting invested in it, a little moreso than the rest of In's piece of this chapter.

 

As I go:

The words used in some of the descriptions of E's voices are overlapping with the words used to describe S's voice and it was confusing me a bit at first. 

Weren't E's voices talking to each other and her pretty easily last book? Wasn't the voices being too loud one of the reasons E was wanting to get treatment? I'm confused why she's acting all shocked hearing her voices when she's a slug. It feels like this has been covered before but I might be hallucinating... 

I thought at first that the slug voices were more of E's Ari voices. it was hard for me to tell the difference. I think, it might be worthwhile to visually separate them somehow, maybe?  Maybe something like small caps for the slugs, since both sets of voices don't tend to speak all that coherently all that often? Something else?

I think In's section will really need to be worked on in the emotions pass. He's feeling a little like S to me and I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting out of it. The backstory is nice, but the emperor is dead and I'm just not sure how knowing why he decided to become his longtime shape is going to help progress what's going on right now... I dunno, maybe the montage of memory needs its own chapter? That way it could have the fun-but-not-plotty bits like this and something that's more functional.

[Mandamon]

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

I had more trouble with In's section, though. His inner voice felt a lot like S's and I bounced off reading it all the way through a couple times.

Oh, interesting! I'll have to look back at this. I wonder if it's a consequence of writing "anxiety-filled young man." I'll have to see if I can differentiate more.

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

Weren't E's voices talking to each other and her pretty easily last book? Wasn't the voices being too loud one of the reasons E was wanting to get treatment? I'm confused why she's acting all shocked hearing her voices when she's a slug.

Hmmm...maybe? I just got off edits to book 2, so I'll work on making that thread consistent.

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

I think, it might be worthwhile to visually separate them somehow, maybe?  Maybe something like small caps for the slugs, since both sets of voices don't tend to speak all that coherently all that often? Something else?

small caps could work. Or maybe at lower case? I'll play with it.

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

I think In's section will really need to be worked on in the emotions pass...I dunno, maybe the montage of memory needs its own chapter?

Always need more emotions!

There's another memory sequence later, but I could definitely split this off into it's own chapter if needed.

Thanks @industrialistDragon!

[kais]

Made it here finally!

Overall

Nice pacing and excellent plot development! Very few gripes, as below. I loved E's part the best, because I thought it had a lot more tension in it and emotion. I's part was great too but a little slower to start. I's voice is a little too much like S's throughout this chapter, so that might need to be looked at. 

This is definitely the most 'momentum' chapter thus far. It would definitely keep me reading. I liked E's part so much I started skimming just to get more info, then went back and reread a few times for the sheer joy of it!

 

As I go

- ooh I like the part in the epigraph where he talks about his lost memories about his other instance!

- bahaha love the sweat glands line. Nice attention to detail

- pg 4: it was unthinkable to disturb such peace as they exuded, all together. <-- I don't understand this line. What is trying to be said?

- pg 6: running with hundreds of little feet is such an adorable image

- pg 11: very smooth read up through here. I'm deeply fascinated by the transformation and learning more about the El!

- I's voice is very much like S's here on page 11

- oh nice ending!

[Mandamon]

Thanks @kais

5 hours ago, kais said:

I's voice is a little too much like S's throughout this chapter, so that might need to be looked at. 

Second comment on this, and I'm starting to see it too. I guess that's the problem with waiting until book 3 to give him a POV...Will do some more design work.

5 hours ago, kais said:

This is definitely the most 'momentum' chapter thus far.

Yep, things started to come together here, but I'm starting on edits to the previous S/E/I chapters to speed them up.

5 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 4: it was unthinkable to disturb such peace as they exuded, all together. <-- I don't understand this line. What is trying to be said?

Hmm...trying to show E falling under the influence of the way the Elg think. I'll revamp.

5 hours ago, kais said:

pg 6: running with hundreds of little feet is such an adorable image

I'm hoping the combination of horrible and adorable will be unsettling...

[lizbusby]

Got very sick two weeks ago, so I've fallen behind again and am trying to catch up.

This definitely had more action than previous chapters. Hurray! However, I felt like the characters weren't so much making choices as going where the plot needed them to go to reveal information. I needed more of En's thinking of why she does what she does, in spite of the difficulty of thinking in this form. Or maybe show her will slowly lessening the longer she is in this form. But then why does she suddenly gain the drive to ask her personalities questions? I'm just not clear on how much she is in control of what she does and why she chooses to do it. You can't have her both losing control and then suddenly gaining it when she needs to move on.

With In's section, my problem is more with the set up. Once he got back out of the N, I would assume WW and him would debrief or at least be freaked out. But WW hardly seems to be there. I wanted the sequel to last chapter's scene, which would give more explanation for why In does what he does.

 

Notes while reading:

p 1 - Love the chapter quote. Very intriguing piece of info.

p 2 - "That was when she realized she must be the only other living thing not an E." - I feel like this should come after a description of the silence. I wasn't sure why she came to think conclusion so suddenly.

Was it her body that realized it or one of her split personalities? I'm leaning to the latter.

p 3 - I'm not sure why the ancient personality is able to rise to the surface now. Is it part of the current situation or the fact that all of them are inside En instead of a more trained assassin?

p 5 - Having the slugs conversation in her mind right before the personalities start to talk was a little confusing. Took me a second to figure out that it wasn't the same conversation continuing.

p 6 - "Several times she felt an opening in the sphere of knowledge around her, as if another bubble, devoid of any signals or feeling, grew inside it. It pushed away the sensations gathered through her fin," - I did not understand what this meant. Is she approaching another creature that blocks their signals? Or is there something inside the bubble that seems to disappear? I am just really baffled.

p 7 - Ah, here's the explanation, but I'm not sure that how it was led up to works.

Gravity/the N has no pull on them, yet they would sink in water? I'm skeptical about why.

p 8 - Since she brought S and In up, why isn't she more worried about what happened to them and how the plan went wrong? She made a lot of observations about the world, but no commentary on her personal situation.

"The inclination to become Meth again didn’t cross her mind. Neither did the urge to change the S." - If you're doing strict 3rd person limited, you can't really say this. A character can't say what doesn't cross their mind.

p 9 - "They have taken those who are sentient already. What is left is highest in energy." - This doesn't make sense to me. Aren't those who are sentient highest in energy? And now that most animals are gone, they are starting on the plants. Isn't what's left lowest in energy, not highest? Or I'm completely misunderstanding this.

p 11 - I don't understand why the transition back made In freak out, but may be new reader syndrome.

p 12 - They are just walking down the path together like nothing happened? I would think WW would say something to him. This was a pretty dramatic failure of the (not well thought out) plan.

Wait, In is also interested in the cute guy? WTH?

p 15 - "Had he placed this memory in the crystal after he received it?" - Does In even know you can place memories in the circlet? This seems to skip a step in how he would figure this out.

p 19 - I'm not sure what enabled In to get out of the memories. It seemed kind of random.

[Mandamon]

Thanks @lizbusby--hope you're feeling better!

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

I needed more of En's thinking of why she does what she does, in spite of the difficulty of thinking in this form.

I think if I cut on the wandering section, I can put some more emotion in there to support her decisions.

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

I wanted the sequel to last chapter's scene, which would give more explanation for why In does what he does.

Check. Sounds like I'm missing a beat. I'll adjust.

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

I'm not sure why the ancient personality is able to rise to the surface now.

I can support this more. Basically that she's got more time to dig internally, and the other personalities are also surfacing more, now the assassin isn't in control.

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

I am just really baffled.

p 7 - Ah, here's the explanation, but I'm not sure that how it was led up to works.

I can move the explanation up so it works better.

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

This doesn't make sense to me. Aren't those who are sentient highest in energy?

Miswording on my part. I meant that they are going toward the highest energy things out of what is left.

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

I would think WW would say something to him.

Yep, need to put a sequel in here.

1 hour ago, lizbusby said:

Does In even know you can place memories in the circlet? This seems to skip a step in how he would figure this out.

I was hoping this work as being sort of intuitive. If not, I can add some more background.

 

[Majestic Fox]

Apologies for the late reply, Mandamon. I hope this feedback is still useful to you.

First off, this is the only chapter I've read of this book. Jumping in part through is always going to be confusing, so I'm going to focus comments more on the prose than the plot. 

Summary

From what I've been able to gather, it sounds like you've got some interesting ideas at work in this story. The mysteries of the El and the Ari, and how it all links together is intriguing, however I came away feeling like the character we subsumed to plot exposition. The writing is weighted heavily toward the abstract. There is a lot more exposition of plot and character's thoughts than there is visceral, concrete description. The description, when we get it, is often only a sentence before a hefty paragraph of three of naval gazing, which makes the story much less immersive than it could be. The description lacks specificity. It also lacks a vivid rendering of the character's experience in multiple senses, which for me is a prerequisite for enjoying sci-fi or fantasy novel, since those are a big part of what makes a story immersive. Robin Hobb, Gene Wolfe and Patricia McKillip are brilliant at this, so worth revisiting their work to study just how effective this can be. 

 

Moment by Moment

P1 - My experience of E's setting is vague. All the first para gives me is that there's a tower rising above her.

P2 - '...something like a sail grew out of her back, and other things began cropping up in her stomach, like tiny tumors' - More specificity would be helpful here. The phrase 'other things' feels abstract, and the thing you're describing is very unusual. 

P3 - 'scuttling like crabs across the bridge toward her.' - this is better. For the moment, I'm immersed.

P4 - 'comfortingly similar. There was no vision, no hearing, merely familiar presences.' - What about them is comfortingly similar? How are they familiar? 

P5 - 'She directed her senses upward..' This para leaves me a little confused. Don't have a clear picture of what's going on.

P6 - 'sphere of knowledge touched one it began crawling toward her' - Interesting. Would love for this to be rendered with more specificity.

P7 - 'peering out of windows and from dark alleyways' - I like that we’re in the guts of a sci-fi city, but want to know what that’s like. ‘Dark alleyways’ could be any city in any genre or time frame.

P8 - 'It was so unlike the tension and pain she’d struggled through with the assassins, with I missing, even dealing with S.' - How?

P9 - '..she found trees missing from planters along the street, hanging baskets empty, and even a chunk taken out of a System Beast.' - This is better description. You could make it even more immersive with specificity and multiple senses, but actually I quite like the rhythm and economy of the sentence. If you traded some naval gazing for more of this kind of thing then the text would be much improved imo.

P11

'The shops beneath were crowded in twisting ways, designed to make passersby stop and gawk and buy things' - If you're going to spend precious words picking out a world detailthen I would hope for it to be something unique to that setting, as experienced through the unique lens of that character. This sentence could apply just as well to a description of almost any modern city. 

'In__ exited the wall with W__ W____, shaking.' - This is the only line of description we get before some substantial naval gazing. I'm floating in the abstract here.. help me out.

'through butter.' - If I had a pack of butter for every time I saw the word butter being used in a simile then I'd have enough to make my own swimming pool, through which I would dart like a knife...through butter!

P12

'kiss away all the terror in his brain' - Kinky.

P13 - 'Few were as severe as what V was going through, likely because she had been separated from BP through so many cycles.' Interesting. I like this. 

P15 - 'There was a cavern of deep hurt and betrayal within.' - Conveying emotion can be tricky, can't it? I've used this cavern thing in the past. Can feel overwrought, but if it's YA, then maybe this level of emotion is just right, I'm not sure. Who is your audience? 

P16 - 19: There's some cool ideas and description here. I quite like what you're doing. One thing I came out wondering was how emotionally connected is our character to these events? Do they have any direct, personal connection to any of these places, and have we as readers shared in that during a previous chapter? If the answer is yes, then I can imagine this being quite a moving sequence. 

 

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Majestic Fox!

5 hours ago, Majestic Fox said:

The writing is weighted heavily toward the abstract. There is a lot more exposition of plot and character's thoughts than there is visceral, concrete description. The description, when we get it, is often only a sentence before a hefty paragraph of three of naval gazing, which makes the story much less immersive than it could be.

This is often a product of my first drafts. I get a lot of the concept down on the paper, and then can go back in the next draft and add in emotion and take out some of the more thinky bits. Thanks for pointing out the places where this happens--that will help me to target things!

5 hours ago, Majestic Fox said:

'through butter.' - If I had a pack of butter for every time I saw the word butter being used in a simile then I'd have enough to make my own swimming pool, through which I would dart like a knife...through butter!

Heh--I think this may be one of the rare times I've used that analogy.

 

[shatteredsmooth]

Am I allowed to just say good things? I think this was one of my all time favorite Dissolution 'verse chapters ever. At least E's part was. 

The E section of the chapter was downright fascinating. 

On 2/21/2020 at 0:17 PM, industrialistDragon said:

His inner voice felt a lot like S's and I bounced off reading it all the way through a couple times.

I did notice this too, but only in the very begining. Once I was fully immersed in the memories the voice became more distinct. 

The memories were almost as fascinating as E's section. 

What would think of zooming in on a few more specific memories? 

Something felt a little abrupt about the way it ended after the memories. 

Edited March 8, 2020 by shatteredsmooth

[shatteredsmooth]

On 2/24/2020 at 2:48 PM, kais said:

- ooh I like the part in the epigraph where he talks about his lost memories about his other instance!

 

Me too!

 

[Mandamon]

Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

Glad you liked this one! 

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The memories were almost as fascinating as E's section. 

Cool. I had a lot of fun writing this, and I think it will only get stronger the next time around.

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

What would think of zooming in on a few more specific memories? 

A really good idea, and might work better for fleshing things out. There's another sequence later, so I could some of that here.