Mandamon

20200203 - Fall of the Imperium Ch8 pt 1 - 5151 words - Sub 8

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Part 1 of Chapter 8 of book 3. To head off complaints on characters doing the same things YET AGAIN, let me share what I plan to do with the previous chapters of the S/E/I plotline in the next edit:

Old version:
S/E/I arrive in the other facet, wander around, and try to go back through the wall, but E has problems and they instead head to the leader of the Ari group. The Eff faints. S gets the Eff settled with E/I, and tries to go through the wall with WW, only to encounter the invaders and the voice. He uses his new powers to escape. Then this chapter happens.

new version:
S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news. The Ari leader is there, E has her problems, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. They all take her to the Ari section, and S goes off with WW to try to pass through the wall. This joins back up with the current narrative.

Hopefully this will take out some of the back and forth to the wall and make things less annoying.
Please attempt to remember things as if they happened the second way above ;-)
All comments are welcome, as usual.

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I really liked the world building you included in this chapter, it helped give a deeper sense of the world.

Two small things:

Quite skilled: this seems odd coming from S who usually stays to plainer phrasing. 

'More normal' stands out as strange. Perhaps just 'normal' or 'more typical' would flow better. 

Thanks for sharing!

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Thanks for the catches, @Sarah B! Glad you liked it.

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This chapter has potential, but really didn't work for me. I felt like the things that should have been onscreen (relationship building, visuals, etc.) were off screen and the thing that could have been summarized (unusual species they pass on the street, making plans, etc.) were onscreen. I felt like the purpose of this chapter was to establish more of the relationship between the three so we could have this revelation from E, but the chapter didn't do that for me. Instead, I got more informing characters of what happened in the past and saying what we're doing next.

Notes while reading:

p 1 - "It is immutable..." - This sentence does not work as a compound because it lacks parallel structure. "It is," "maji can," and "many have" lack any connection, and so the sentence just reads like a run-on. I'd separate them.

"turning something like cricket song" - perhaps the cricket-like song; phrasing was confusing

p 3 - The genders in WW's society sound more like social constructs than true genders to me, but what do I know. Also, though xy clarified the four other genders, xy didn't say what xyr gender's role is. I would assume S would ask that, given that he asked what WW's gender was.

p 4 - It seems like WW's species name is used frequently as a sort of indirect reference to xy. To me, this reads really oddly, like constantly referring to someone as the Venezuelan. Maybe once a chapter would be fine, but since xy's a main character, do we really need to be reminded about xyr species constantly?

p 5 - “We must find what drives it.” “Can we trap the E somehow? If so, we would have something to hold over the voice.” - These two lines are unconvincing to me. Why do they need to know what motivates their enemy? What they really need is to stop it. And the voice doesn't appear to me to be specifically sentimental about the E. I'm not sure why S thinks that trapping some would give it pause.

p 6 - "sneaking glances at the walls." - I'm not sure why he feels he has to sneak these glances, and what is he looking at instead? Down or straight ahead?

Why are the twins still in the medical center after a day? Surely they would go 'home' if there's nothing to be done.

"A day?" - Why does this sound surprised when earlier in the description, he mentioned it had only been a day? He seems to know this info already.

Why are the twins not shocked that the crystal is being eaten? Do they not know enough about it?

p 8 - Oh, he's making the portal right now? They aren't going to do any other preparation or bring anything like weapons, food, etc.?

p 10 - Even given the re-writes of earlier chapters, I'm not sure the twins have been given enough time to explore their people (didn't they think they were almost extinct?) or learned enough new stuff. I also don't feel the justification of why they need to go other than for relationship reasons or moral support. (To me, that's not enough of a reason.) Perhaps they can make a stronger case for why them in particular. Why does S need the twins for this mission that WW couldn't do just as well?

p 11 - "Let’s figure out our best approach tonight and leave in the morning.” - Yes, it would have made sense to do this with the portal approach as well.

"They talked for a time, S relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend. He soaked up every moment, watching details of their faces move. At some point, W W left the room." - This seems like lazy character building. If we're supposed to like this romantic pairing, we should see them interacting on screen in a romantic way rather than just summarized.

Wait, the previous paragraph, WW leaves, then S is able to just stick his head out of the room and find him? Has he literally been sitting outside just to give them privacy and doing nothing else? And why are they staying at the medical facility at all? If they are just relaxing, this is the least relaxing place to be.

p 12 - “Most of the village eats together,” - This contradicts what WW said earlier, that several families had invited them to eat with them. Which is it? Do they all eat together or families eat separately.

p 13 - "Why hadn’t the prophet told him this before? Maybe while they walked through the city?" - I didn't immediately get what "this" was. What it is referring to is several paragraphs back, so I was confused.

"if they can go there to eat" - if they could go there to eat

p 14 - The description of the whole meal scene feels very distant, like we're getting a summary of it rather than participating in it. Surely meeting his gf/bf's family deserves to feel more present. I want to see them picking a spot, people saying hello, the food being served/passed, conversation, etc.

p 15 - "S smiled back" - Okay, this thing with the handsome guy makes S feel like a jerk. When you are with your SO, you better not be eyeing other people. Especially when he's full of social anxiety otherwise, it seems odd that he keeps reaching out to him. It makes me not like S, especially when combined with how he is always talking very possessively of his gf/bf. Also, they are always reaching out to sooth him, but I feel like he doesn't do the same.

p 16 - "They were given rooms in the medical center after dinner, which also doubled as a sort of hostel for those in between homes." - Ah! This would have been useful at the beginning of the chapter. I felt so weird that they were just hanging around a hospital. No one stays at a hospital unless they have to.

E's confession feels sudden and forced. They didn't have to try very hard to get her to talk. This might feel more natural if more of the relationship building and the dinner were on screen. As it is, it's the only real thing that happens at the dinner, so it seems odd. Especially discussing it in public. Wouldn't anyone overhear and notice?

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Thanks @lizbusby! I tend to fall down on the emotional side in early drafts, so glad  you caught those places where it's not flowing right.

22 hours ago, lizbusby said:

I felt like the things that should have been onscreen (relationship building, visuals, etc.) were off screen and the thing that could have been summarized (unusual species they pass on the street, making plans, etc.) were onscreen.

That's fair. Generally the two complaints I get with first drafts are lacking description and lacking emotion. I'll work to balance those out on the next go round.

22 hours ago, lizbusby said:

Why are the twins not shocked that the crystal is being eaten? Do they not know enough about it?

Good catch. No, this should be a much bigger reaction.

22 hours ago, lizbusby said:

Ah! This would have been useful at the beginning of the chapter. I felt so weird that they were just hanging around a hospital. No one stays at a hospital unless they have to.

Also a good chance. I can bring this forward.

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Over all this felt like a couple of different chapters stuck together to me. One chapter is about the emperor, and the slugs and deciding who's-going-who's-staying, and the other chapter is about SE&I meeting their species for the first time, eating dinner and interacting, and E having another attack. I'd love to see those two things given enough space to really run with, but together they sort of jangle. I liked the information and the plot movement and I think this'll be a much better early chapter in the new timeline, but right here right now, I'm left disappointed. 

 

As I go:

 

"or do all occupy the same one" --- reminds me of the joke about only needing one time-travelers' convention, really. 

"somewhat biased view" -- and who's to say S isn't the biased one instead, eh? eh? lol.

"not his place to judge" -- just the appropriateness of their building materials, apparently. ;)

"Did you hear it" -- Didn't they just have the talk about the voice last chapter? I thought I recalled S thinking that he heard it more clearly than WW, but that WW definitely admitted to hearing it already? Could have sworn I'd already read that somewhere... maybe I'm hallucinating... 

 

There is a lot of good information here about the facet's creatures and I can't help feeling like I would have liked to have seen it earlier. I could probably do with a refresher here, too, just because everything's so different. But because everything's so different I want to see more of it.  

 

"fingers play over the smooth" -- Did S pick up Ri's finger fetish? ;) It's a good detail though. 

 

So, is S just, like, trying to create a portal in the emperor's sickroom? I thought those things required space and ... like, not being next to furniture because of the whole "ability to slice though reality" thing that Man uses to his advantage earlier? I am very confused about the blocking here, and why everyone is so cool with S doing this literally right next to the convalescing VIP. Maybe I missed how portals work. I thought they originated at the caster, more-or-less, and terminated at a destination the caster chose. Does everyone do that out of convenience instead of necessity? 

 

"rude to ask" -- But asking personal question about gender isn't? It's not bad, S's questions, I'm just a bit confused by the value judgments he keeps tacking on to them. This is acceptable, this isn't; this is rude to ask about, that isn't. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of logic behind it.  Every time S asks a question, WW offers up more than S asked, sometimes going into detail about the private lives of the other species. WW is clearly the sort of person who likes expounding on familiar topics, and doesn't seem to have much by way of an active sense of propriety, privacy, or prudishness, so it seems odd to me that S keeps self-censoring in such an uneven way. it's the unevenness that's getting to me. 

 

 I do agree with @lizbusby that the lead-up to the "dinner with the Ari" scene was prepping me for an actual scene, and not a summary, and I felt disappointed at that.  But I didn't get from the chapter that the point of the entire chapter was relationship-development. 

Without anything to precipitate it, it feels like E's outburst when we get back to being "in-scene" with the trio is not very supported. E had that one outburst in an earlier chapter, and then everything was fine, and I had thought that was going to be mostly it, but then this one pops up and I'm a bit confused by what I'm supposed to be getting out of it. It feels to me like E here is having an attack not because some stressor or conversation topic precipitated it, but because the summary of the dinner was running long and there needed to be some conflict to spice it up. And there are certainly stressors that could do it, even in a happy scene (especially in a choosing-a-bed scene), but there's just nothing there. I don't need an in-POV look inside E's head, but I feel like I should be able to connect the outburst to a trigger of some sort. 

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13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Over all this felt like a couple of different chapters stuck together to me.

I think this is really the problem in summation. Fortunately, my plan is to see what the best parts of these several S/E/I chapters are and mesh those into a cohesive narrative in round 2, and drop the stuff that doesn't work. That should also leave enough room for some expansion with the emotional scenes I haven't really fleshed out.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Didn't they just have the talk about the voice last chapter?

Maybe? At this point, I'm not really sure either because I'm in the middle of propping this whole thread up in book 2!

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

There is a lot of good information here about the facet's creatures and I can't help feeling like I would have liked to have seen it earlier.

Check. Can do.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Did S pick up Ri's finger fetish?

Lol. I'm beginning to think it's just me...

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

So, is S just, like, trying to create a portal in the emperor's sickroom?

Hmmm...good catch. Lazy writing on my part. Need to flesh out what rules they follow in this facet.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

it seems odd to me that S keeps self-censoring in such an uneven way. it's the unevenness that's getting to me. 

Another good catch. I'll work on this. I'm struggling in this one with how much S is letting anxiety get to him vs. how much he can effectively deal with it. I'm thinking the arc for all three books will be along the line of S struggles, S realizes, and S overcomes.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I do agree with @lizbusby that the lead-up to the "dinner with the Ari" scene was prepping me for an actual scene, and not a summary

Check. I'll flesh this out.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Without anything to precipitate it, it feels like E's outburst when we get back to being "in-scene" with the trio is not very supported.

I think I've dropped the ball for both E and I here. I'm currently building stuff up in book 2, so hopefully I can make it follow more organically in book 3.

Thanks @industrialistDragon!

 

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I have mixed feelings about the walk back to the twins after the failed attempt to cross the wall. You do achieve a sense of wonder with S watching the other species doing things like build. It makes me expect that there is going to be something significant about those beings later on. However, it also drains a lot of the tension we just got. That scene in the crystal was tense and with high stakes, and now this feels like an almost leisurely stroll. It also doesn't paint WW in the most positive light with the "normal construction materials" comment. I know the narrative calls it out, but I'm still wondering how necessary the that conversation even is to begin with. 

I got a little confused when S started asking WW about the voice, because they had that conversation in the previous chapter. Did it get taken out of that chapter in the revision? 

I was pretty engaged for the rest of it. 

"He--they?--eyed S..." Doesn't A already know this person's pronouns are "they/them"? It seems unnecessary and kind of demeaning to add the "he." I don't see a reason for the narrative voice to slip and misgender them.  

 

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On 2/7/2020 at 8:44 PM, industrialistDragon said:

 I do agree with @lizbusby that the lead-up to the "dinner with the Ari" scene was prepping me for an actual scene, and not a summary, and I felt disappointed at that.  But I didn't get from the chapter that the point of the entire chapter was relationship-development. 

 

I would've been happy with more from the dinner scene. 

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Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I have mixed feelings about the walk back to the twins after the failed attempt to cross the wall. You do achieve a sense of wonder with S watching the other species doing things like build. It makes me expect that there is going to be something significant about those beings later on. However, it also drains a lot of the tension we just got.

I think most of this will get cut, or attached to a different section. I wanted to flesh out more of the description in this facet, but probably not the best place for it.

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I got a little confused when S started asking WW about the voice, because they had that conversation in the previous chapter. Did it get taken out of that chapter in the revision? 

I'll look back at this. I did add some of that in later, so I probably duplicated things.

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Doesn't A already know this person's pronouns are "they/them"? It seems unnecessary and kind of demeaning to add the "he." I don't see a reason for the narrative voice to slip and misgender them.  

Agreed. I'll settle on one pronoun.

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I would've been happy with more from the dinner scene

Another vote! It will definitely get fleshed out.

 

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10 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Agreed. I'll settle on one pronoun.

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I mean, if the character actually uses both pronouns, like I use both they and she, then that is okay, but I got the impression from when this character was first introduced that that wasn't case and their pronoun was they. It's been  a while since I read it though, so I could be remembering wrong. 

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22 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

but I got the impression from when this character was first introduced that that wasn't case and their pronoun was they. It's been  a while since I read it though, so I could be remembering wrong. 

I think so too. I'll have to go back and check.

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Comments.

(page 1)

- In the epigraph, is 'frequencies' the word, I wonder? To me, that is the number of occurrences, but the context relates to different times, in the sense of instants, surely.

- "at all times" - Is it though? We're in his intern a monologue a lot, and the panic does not appear to do this. I think of it as 'so often'.

- "The other four arms and legs" - I can't get much senes of the description, so many limbs spinning and weaving. I'm almost skimming.

(page 2)

- "six legged" - hyphenated, I would think.

(page 3)

- "translate to him" - I'd say 'for him'.

- "edge of pride" - trace or vein?

- "Do you think there’s any other way around the El" - Okay, I've been nursing this comment since the first page. We've just come from a highly tense and dangerous situation, but there is not sense of that in the first three pages of the chapter, it's all world-building and background. It felt really to of place to me. I think we need this these up front in the chapter, reminding of the tension, the danger and the (further) setback from the previous chapter. All that world-building was like running into a wall, IMO.

- "He could feel the lack" - not completely clear. He feels the loss of his notes, yes?

- "flaps fixated on him" - this sounds more like mental state than say 'fixed', which doesn't distract from the things around it.

(page 4)

- "to digging into the N wall" - just underlining my point from before, but here on page 3/4 is where all the urgent, pressing and dangerous issues are, instead of up on page 1.

- "They were eating it" - I think using the word 'eat/ate' implies that the El are consuming the wall for sustenance. I know that's not the only meaning of 'eat', but I feel that's implied in the way S relates this.

- "to get a clear picture" - This implies to me that he thinks he can see something (i.e. by getting close enough to see), but I don't think he means in a visual sense, just sounds like that's what he means.

(page 5)

- "engage them, though preferably without danger to ourselves" - :blink: This seems super unrealistic, from a clear very intelligent being.

- "You act like it’s a part" - 'talk', IMO.

- "it would have to, in order to provide translations" - Not if it's a machine, surely. Then it would not be 'active' in its observation, would it? Since it was automatic; a process, not a choice.

(page 6)

- "turned curious" - more tension, please! Like all the background and w/b on the first pages, it feels like more of an intellectual problem than an actual, physical crisis.

- "the crystal.”" - like this. It seems to be S's mindset set / internal monologue, or the narrative voice that is dragging down the tension / stakes.

- "They were avoiding the question between all of them" - Phrasing odd. 'Between them, they were avoiding the question.'

- "Someone needed to contact the m" - Yes, yes, we know this already. Just get ON WITH IT, please.

(page 7)

- "fingers play over the smooth crystal of the d" - Ahhhhhh. I think maybe I have it. I think maybe...

Spoiler

...someone needs to wear the diadem and thereby communicate with someone on the other side of the wall, in the other facet(s).

- "they seem content to let us have it" - But it's the dia from their own face, is it not? Why would this lot be anything other than content, if it was in S,I,E's possession?

- "Don’t leave me." - Eh, but he would be leaving them.

(page 8)

- "portal suddenly sounded like" - Not sure about it being 'sudden'.

- "What could he hear that the others didn’t?" - disagreement is kind of clumsy. Suggest did and didn't, or could and couldn't.

- "thought the six houses" - 'that', IMO, because 'the six' is not eight at the time S has the thought.

- "Don’t let your thoughts wander" - I don't think this is his thoughts wandering, I think this is his thoughts absolutely concentrated on finding a solution to the problem in hand. He's got to be thinking in the right area here; the whole arc of certainly Book 2 points to the solution being rooted in 8 hses.

- "looking down at the ground, in the I" - great line, but no comma, I think. I don't see any need for a pause.

(page 9)

- "both frowning with similar expressions" - redundant, IMO: they're both frowning, and are 'brother and sister' therefore obviously similar.

- "as is normal for a portal" - clunky, maid-and-butler. Regular readers know this, and since it's Book 3, nobody will be starting here, IMO, and if they are, they deserve to be confused!!

- "Where were you placing the port" - This almost sounds like Kir phrasing, because of the tense, I think. 'Where did you (try to) place the portal?' sounds more natural, IMO.

(page 10)

- "sounds as if it matches" - matches what? Don't understand, and... "We shall have to perceive them the old fashioned way" - perceive what? I don't follow.

- "relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend" - this feels heavy-handed to me. It sounds like the narrative is trying to convince me this is true, but I don't feel it. I think I have this feeling because I don't see enough behaviour to convince me the E and I believe it, or even S, really. I don't feel there is what I would call a relationship, there's some bumbling around, some hesitant signs of affection, but they don't really behave as if things have changed between them (the three) and that they feel a (strong) romantic connection, most importantly and tellingly, they don't talk about it.

- "In the day" - kind of awkward. 'During the day', IMO.

(page 11)

- Who are the Car? Have we met them before? I don't remember them.

- "There were steps behind him" - footsteps, IMO.

- "A family" - Ooh, I really don't think this is earned, yet. As noted above, they never talk about their relationship, feeling, love, etc.

- "but when she was finished…" - What?

(page 13)

- "Why hadn’t the p told him this before?" - Told him what, that people wanted to meet him? Unclear.

- "Yes, though I stay as far out of the hubbub as much as possible" - Too much, ends up cluttered, I reckon. There degree is stated twice (as far > as much as possible), which confuses the statement.

- "barely refrained from asking if they can go there to eat" - tense: could

- "come on, S" - comma required.

- "Think of it is meeting" - type, 'as'.

- "The meal was oddly similar" - to what?

- "He tried to listen to how the Aridori spoke to each other" - surely, he just listened. There's not barrier to him listening.

(page 14)

- "peaceful, and friendly, and social" - the second two, fine, but I think it's a bit much to deduce the first from the little he's seen of them. For some bizarre reason, I'm moved to think of Christoph Waltz's character in Inglorious Basterds, who comes over completely civilised, but is of course of horrific Nazi angel of death.

- "eyes walked between him and the other A" - how does that work? I get what's happening, but the comparison to walking does land for me.

- "went to her other side" - She's right across the table from the two of them, why would they go all the way around to ask her a question? this seems really awkward, thinking of half-a-dozen people sitting at a table.

(page 15)

- "if they touched her" - if she touched them, surely. She was the one who stretched her hand out. Of maybe just 'if they touched', which seems to cover all eventualities.

- "He had to make the journey on his own" - Another flip-flop, really? Surely not.

- "She looked at In over his shoulder" - But how does that work, S came to her other side, she's in the middle?

(page 16)

- "was still of the same mind in the morning" - This indecision, and flip-flopping is driving me demented.

- "instead of going through the wall" - But they still have to go through the wall regardless. Dal is through the wall just as much as the Imp is, surely?

Overall 

I still feel like we're going around in circles in this POV. I haven't been keeping count, but they're together, they're apart, they're together, they're apart. They go to the wall, they're back, wall, back, and then wall again. The other POVs are exciting, compelling, they are in the heat of the action, confronting the enemy, or other antagonists (suspected), while S and Co. go around and around, and make not progress, and yet there's in the main POV. It's pretty frustrating.

Also, this is a long old chapter in which not much happens, and it's in the least interesting--or certainly least exciting--POV, which I think is problematic for pacing. I'm not satisfied, I guess I'm frustrated and wishing we would get back to Man or Or/Ri's POV.

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Thanks for tearing this apart, @Robinski! I didn't have high hopes for the first part of this chapter, and I think you've hit on all the same parts the others have. I'm hoping the second half will be more exciting (and shorter).

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

We've just come from a highly tense and dangerous situation, but there is not sense of that in the first three pages of the chapter, it's all world-building and background.

Yes, similar to what @industrialistDragon and @shatteredsmooth were saying. I think most of this will find a home earlier in the book.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

"it would have to, in order to provide translations" - Not if it's a machine, surely. Then it would not be 'active' in its observation, would it? Since it was automatic; a process, not a choice.

Valid point...

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

"fingers play over the smooth crystal of the d" - Ahhhhhh. I think maybe I have it. I think maybe..

Not quite! I'm hoping the solution will be surprising yet inevitable, but I'm not sure I've done enough pre-work...

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend" - this feels heavy-handed to me. It sounds like the narrative is trying to convince me this is true, but I don't feel it. I

I think expanding this section will help.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

most importantly and tellingly, they don't talk about it.

There is a talk later on, but good point. I'll try to add some more in earlier as well.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Who are the Car? Have we met them before? I don't remember them.

You have. A fault of my lack of description at the beginning of this book.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "was still of the same mind in the morning" - This indecision, and flip-flopping is driving me demented.

Sorry! Will be better next time around...

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "instead of going through the wall" - But they still have to go through the wall regardless. Dal is through the wall just as much as the Imp is, surely?

Yes, this didn't get clarified correctly in the beginning. Going to Dal would be through a portal. Going to the Imp, they have to go through the wall because the distance is too close. This isn't supported well in the text so far.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

I still feel like we're going around in circles in this POV....Also, this is a long old chapter in which not much happens, and it's in the least interesting--or certainly least exciting--POV, which I think is problematic for pacing. I'm not satisfied, I guess I'm frustrated and wishing we would get back to Man or Or/Ri's POV.

Thanks for all the feedback! These chapters are going to get stripped and smashed back together on the second go round. Hopefully I can suck all the bad parts out and add only good words!

I think the second half will be more exciting, but we'll see...

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Sorry for the delay on this. I had an exhibition opening all last week and am just now catching up.

Overall

I liked this chapter a lot! It had good meat, made good movement, and was satisfying. I like the person S is becoming and I thought the information flow was just right. No real complaints either, just a few nitpicks below. Would love a bit more emotion in the trio, especially nearing bed time! I mean, they're all fairly old for teens, yes? Wouldn't at least one of them try to suggest sex?

On 2/5/2020 at 0:09 PM, lizbusby said:

I felt like the things that should have been onscreen (relationship building, visuals, etc.) were off screen and the thing that could have been summarized (unusual species they pass on the street, making plans, etc.) were onscreen. I

I felt this a bit, but I'm also more familiar with your writing I think. I'd love more relationship stuff on screen, for sure. That was the bulk of my comments. With that said, I like seeing the species as they walk, and it feels very in character for S to notice them. I'll agree though that I would have loved more of the dinner, and was very disappointed when it mostly got summarized. That would have been a lot of fun!

 

As I go

- oooh, I do like the kicker!

- pg 3: I 100% giggled at 'layer' and 'seeder'. I'd like to think alien biologies more complex than that. Like maybe 'merger' or something. Fungi us clamps for sexual reproduction, so that's a potentially fun word!

- pg 5: just wanted to say that I think the narrative is moving very smoothly right now

- pg 10: S relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend <-- would like a bit more on this please, for the emotions!

- pg 12: ah I like the reminder of Earth here

- pg 14: bahahaha love the jealousy!

- I think I would have really enjoyed a scene with all three of them trying to get into a too-small hammock!

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17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'll try to add some more in earlier as well.

Cool. I'm looking for that ineffable, undefinable feeling of love, reciprocated. And of a joint acknowledgement that there is something there. Lingering looks into each other's eyes for no reason, unnecessary and prolonged touching, etc., etc.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Sorry! Will be better next time around...

No apologies necessary.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Going to Dal would be through a portal. Going to the Imp, they have to go through the wall because the distance is too close.

And this was explained, maybe it was my WRS, maybe an extra tag would help.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

These chapters are going to get stripped and smashed back together

Sounds like a plan, I'm still concerned with the overall length (see later comment :) ).

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Thanks @kais!

16 hours ago, kais said:

I liked this chapter a lot! It had good meat, made good movement, and was satisfying. I like the person S is becoming and I thought the information flow was just right.

Well, there's one positive at least!

I think a lot of this was better than the stuff at the beginning, but I'll most likely pull it forward so I can develop the relationships more.

16 hours ago, kais said:

I like seeing the species as they walk, and it feels very in character for S to notice them. I'll agree though that I would have loved more of the dinner, and was very disappointed when it mostly got summarized.

By popular vote, dinner will be expanded!

16 hours ago, kais said:

I 100% giggled at 'layer' and 'seeder'. I'd like to think alien biologies more complex than that. Like maybe 'merger' or something. Fungi us clamps for sexual reproduction, so that's a potentially fun word!

Cool. The Nos. are actually the most familiar of this facet. I haven't really gotten into the others...

16 hours ago, kais said:

bahahaha love the jealousy!

Yay!

16 hours ago, kais said:

- I think I would have really enjoyed a scene with all three of them trying to get into a too-small hammock!

Ok, yes, this definitely needs to happen.

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3 hours ago, Mandamon said:
20 hours ago, kais said:

- I think I would have really enjoyed a scene with all three of them trying to get into a too-small hammock!

Ok, yes, this definitely needs to happen.

Steady on now, don't give in to demands for fan service :lol:@kais can write their own dodgy, three-in-a-hammock fanfic ;) 

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2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Steady on now, don't give in to demands for fan service :lol:@kais can write their own dodgy, three-in-a-hammock fanfic ;) 

Yes please!

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25 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Yes please!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

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