Robinski

Robinski - 200128 - TCC Chapter 19 (25) - 4050 words (L)

23 posts in this topic

Dear all,
 
I was half-asleep when I finished editing this chapter so... 'quality' not assured, I'm afraid! However, most of the work was done in the hours of daylight, so hopefully it's substantially in tune with the re-written Chp.18 and there are no remnants. The plot gets a little further from the original with each chapter that is revised, so I welcome your comments and observations even more, if that's possible.
 
Anything you have is much appreciated.
 
Best, Robinski
 

Chapter Summary:

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;
13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.
14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.
15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves.
16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos.
17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future.
18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 
19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time.
20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs.
21 - Our heroes drive to BR's house, encounter a roadblock and pull a ruse on the National Guard there. At the house, they search until they are 'set upon' by more nasty T/F.
22 - After battling the Sparkles, the group is rescued by the National Guard, but taken to the YK sheriff and jailed. DM appears at the jail.
23 - Confrontation between Q and DM in the jail, Sheriffs K and K (hmm...) arrive, but DM escapes. Kr releases the group into his custody. A rude awakening leads to the revelation of Q's son.
24 - Q and E share a drink and deduce that TOM has perpetrated an even bigger fraud on the North American people than first thought. PL suspends the election. 
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Eh, I don't know about this chapter. It just begins to feel like our group is protag-ing and making progress and then they get a phone call, followed by another phone call that makes it all irrelevant. It sort of killed the interest for me. It seems like too little is happening at their end. Everything is happening elsewhere. I also felt like we could use more description or action going on during all these conversations.

The velociraptors were a nice touch. It took me a while to get used to them, but then I liked it. Are they old school Jurassic Park type or new chicken-raptors?

 

Notes while reading:

p 3 - two typos - believed and do instead of to

Is it bad that I can't remember who Dulcie is?

p 5 - I would add some punctuation to indicate pauses in the sheriff's conversation. I got it, but if you weren't reading carefully, it might not come off. The way it's written, the call seems to take no time at all. Perhaps add in some of the stage direction of people awkwardly waiting while someone talks on the phone.

"If T testifies that M instigated the whole thing; he, G and maybe E-C" - I see why you used the semicolon here, but it's just awkward. Maybe reorder this sentence to add the companies in at the end to avoid awkward punctuation.

p 7 - Both the conversation at the hotel and now this conversation in the car feel a bit floating heads in a white room, then a bunch of description. I think the two could stand to be mixed together a bit.

p 8 - "but they were not, by long chalk." - I have never heard this expression before. It's "by a long shot." Unless it's world-building? Like the expression has suffered semantic drift?

"If you don’t have IR" - strikes me as a weird thing to say. Reads like a technical manual, not conversation. But then, putting on the IR goggles in the first place seemed odd. I am not sensing the danger they are.

It took me a minute to get that M was supposed to be startled by Q's gesture and not just slipping on ice. Needs stage direction.

p 9 - Velociraptors? Okay then...

“The really good news is that we’re about to go back across the lake to LI.” - I'm not following this paragraph at all, but maybe new reader syndrome.

p 11 - “Hey,” he said. “What’s wrong with your gun?” - Who's he? As it's a response to K, can't be him. Previous dialogue is by M, who I think is female.

p 13 - Ugh, this phone caller has super bad timing. He's killing the tension.

p 15 - I don't understand why K has to call K. If they had a falling out in the earlier phone call, why would they keep in touch? You can't have it both ways.

p 16 - It seems weird to me that the head of the investigation would hang up on him without getting confirmation that he was obeying orders or not. Seems really unprofessional.

 

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Wow, quick response! Thanks so much, Liz. I hear you, and completely accept your overarching reaction. Several ideas came to mind pretty much instantly of ways to address this, which is a clear indication--I think--of how weak the chapter arc/action/momentum is. Thanks for calling me on it.

I'll come back in detail later, and so sorry I have not yet responded on the Chap.18 re-submission. I will get to that as soon as I can, but need to do some critiquing now :unsure: 

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I have a similar reaction to this chapter as @lizbusby. Our heroes have been searching for the ladies, and trying to figure out all the mysteries by themselves, when suddenly the MC (who's been reticent the whole time) basically points a huge glowing banner over G-corp saying their princess is in this castle and this is where the boss fight will be. I'd like it to be much more of a struggle for them to get where they need to go (just not a long struggle, like crossing hundreds of miles of empty Canadian wilderness).

Also confused as to where the dinosaur came from and who directed them to escort the group.

 

Notes while reading:

Pg 2: "believe" -> "believed", "How far to you trust" -> "How far do you trust"

pg 4: I like the continued scale/cello metaphor.

pg 4: "that he’ll intercede if… when we find them,"
--who's "them?" the ladies?

pg 6: "Yeah, well, every day’s Sunday in the convent..."
--great line and very M.

pg 6: "They were moving through M’s domain"
--why is it DM's? I thought they were near D's house?

pg 8: "So what they doing"
--missing "are"

pg 8: I'm not sure why the dinosaurs are escorting them, or how they even found the group. Did DM send them, or was it just a chance encounter? If DM sent them, it's another case of him not doing anything when he could take them down, and I can't really believe there are many of those creatures.

pg 10: "9x19mm problem"
--not sure what this is.

pg 11: Very confused why they are being escorted by dinosaurs.

pg 12: "Does it matter now? He has them in one of the empty habitats"
--Hmmm...this is...very convenient, and sort of a letdown. The whole point of the last section is to find those two before DM, and now he's found, them but everything's fine because he's somehow not instantly killing them as he's promised the whole book?

pg 12: "That’s not the main thing right anymore. We’re coming to the end. You need to come to G NOW! Everything you need is here."
--Uh, ok. This also seems very authorial, like you're telling us "here's where the book wraps up."

pg 12: ok, you point this out in the next paragraph, so that helps some, but this all still feels very convenient.

pg 13: "“Don’t talk over me! You think I’d have let this mess happen"
--MC is suddenly very chatty and plot convenient here. 

pg 14: With the special agent override, this even more feels like the plot pointing the characters to go to the big boss battle at the end. They could have gone to G at any point, but now it's suddenly very urgent they do so immediately, and oh yeah, all the people they've been looking for happen to be there as well.
 

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I think I'm with the others in that I'm left fairly unhappy by this chapter, despite it being really good action and a great tense end. There've just been too many chapters where, like this, Q&M finally make some forward progress or decide to take action just to have it negated by things outside their control. This isn't a government unit chasing them, but it has the same effect of cutting off their actions at the knees. What was the point of M discovering the things, of Q talking Kr into this midnight raid, if the phone voice just shows up and says "j/k none of that matters, just go here?" 

I really enjoyed the aurora borealis.  

 

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Hmm. Mixed feelings about this chapter. I was excited to see them heading towards their destination, but frustrated that we never got there after all of the buildup, not to mention frustrated that DM has gotten the upper hand on the team once again (without even appearing in the chapter, which I think is part of the problem; all we have right now is MC’s word for it, so it feels especially arbitrary and artificial).

I like the threat of the airstrike on Gen at the end of the chapter, but would much rather have seen the group accomplish something at the island first. They even could have found the place empty with indications that TT and MR had left of their own volition or whatever, which could have potentially put them back into DM’s clutches. Maybe they had been threatened by Gen’s beasties and had to leave in a hurry. Maybe they found some information they thought they could use against DM and left it out on the counter. Maybe the TV is on and foreshadowing that stuff’s about to go down at Gen before they get the call from MC. I just wanted the team to get there and accomplish something, not to get partway there and then be told that it didn’t matter anymore.

I’m also trying to decide how I feel about the dinos shadowing the group. If they’re programmed not to attack people, it seems more likely to me that they would just lose interest and wander off. The conversation with E does suggest that maybe they still have the instinct to hunt people, but their programming overrides the instinct telling them to actually follow through with the kill. Which works, I suppose, but it's subtle and seems, well, a bit plotful. I assume the dinos are here to basically be really-cool looking cannon fodder against various other TF that the team will presumably have to get through to get into Gen. I’m certainly onboard in theory, but I'm n not quite sold on the execution.

As I read:

p2 “How far to you trust” should be “do”

p2 “he smiled grimly” He should be capitalized if you’re ending the dialogue with a period.

P3 “I don’t’ have the nerve” extra apostrophe of course.

P3 “Kr recorded the whole.” The whole thing?

Now that we’re looking at this scene again, I’m wondering what Kr had hoped to gain by calling Koo, since he’s already decided he’s not playing this by the letter of the law by busting Q. and co. out of jail, and he doesn’t actually ask Koo for anything. Not to mention, Koo could be dead for all he knows; the last we saw, he’d just been shot by DM.

Top of p4, “If T testifies that M instigated the whole thing;” should be a comma at the end of this clause, not a semi-colon.

P4 “Q all the fatigue that his voice carried” missing word?

This is the same night as t hey got into the hotel, yes? They seem to have decided to ignore the curfew, which is fine, but there’s no discussion about that decision or how they’re going to avoid repercussions. Nor does anyone seem to be enforcing the curfew.

P8 “he has glad...” should be “was.”

p9 “but DM’s must have deactivated it...” either no apostrophe there or a missing word, i.e. DM’s goons, etc.

“I guess you’re assuming I trust you...” Really, after everything D has said up to this point, what else was Kr expecting?

Why is MC referring to himself as MC? I don’t think anyone has ever used that language to his face.

On 1/29/2020 at 6:33 AM, Mandamon said:

Our heroes have been searching for the ladies, and trying to figure out all the mysteries by themselves, when suddenly the MC (who's been reticent the whole time) basically points a huge glowing banner over G-corp saying their princess is in this castle and this is where the boss fight will be

Yeah, I see I'm not alone in my thoughts here. I don't think that Gen remaining the end-goal is a problem in itself, but definitely this last chapter has definitely made the last many chapters chasing  TT feel  like an optional side-quest. What I think it comes down to is this: If they don't actually get to the island, if they don't actually find TT and MR here, what payoff do they (and readers) get that they absolutely couldn't get by going straight to Gen? What makes it essential that we go through this arc before getting to Gen itself? Why redirect us back to Gen here and not, say, when the team arrived at MR's house to find it empty?

On 1/30/2020 at 1:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I really enjoyed the aurora borealis.  

Seconded.

Edited by Silk
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Glad to read the next chapter! The main points have all been covered by other comments, just a few things to add:

1st paragraph: but he believe, needs to be 'believed'

Cello metephore: I might be misinterpreting it, but it seems like a mixed metaphor with both music scale and size scale. Or it's a pun and I missed it. 

'K weighed the man up...' I understood this line but it struck me as odd. I've heard 'sized the man up' but never weighed.

'M had woken up in the wrong bed... ' great line!

Near 50%: 'the breeze played along the little exposed skin...' I think 'little' could be left out for a stronger sentence.

D's outline up ahead - this sentence took me a couple tries to sort out. Might be clearer as two separate statments?

'M whispered urgently, grinning maniacally...' even though you only have one descriptive word for each verb, they're so close they feel piled up. Cutting one or the other might improve the flow.

Near 2/3; remote destruct sentence is missing a 'have'

I really like the Northern lights sequence as well. I'm not sure the effect is bright enough to shine in windows like moonlight does though. I've never seen them in person so I could be wrong. 

Near 90%: 'heads turning, tilting occasionally' could be combined to 'their heads turning and tilting occasionally but....'

The velociraptor parts were fun to read, anyone who has walked away from the campfire at night can relate to that feeling to some extent. If you were looking to stretch the stalking scenes out and add some more action, you could even have someone slip or take a posture that isn't human looking enough for their programming to register. Depending on how their programming works, would that mean that the velociraptors would attack that person until the stood straight and looked human again? Or would an odd smell cover their human scent and make them fair game? The fact that E warns them when the velociraptor's first show up seems to hint that the programming may be fallible.

Thanks for sharing!

 

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I am with the others on this one, I don’t really like the sudden direction this chapter took at the end, when the MC basically cut the adventure short and pointed the crew towards the final confrontation. Feels a waste of all the build-up so far.

Phone call to sheriff: I really wonder why Kr suddenly felt the need to call the local sheriff at the start of the chapter, and what he thought that would do – he was never going to turn Q&M in, which would absolutely be what the sheriff would demand because they escaped from jail. So why is procedure so important all of a sudden? Nothing has really changed, all that has changed is that Q spouted some hairbrained theories that may or may not be true, with far reaching consequences if they are, but that’s not as pressing as the business they were already in, namely saving the two women from Mor and dealing with the creatures roaming the landscape.

Plumber with weapons: While I do like D. as a character, and his interactions with the rest of the crew, he’s starting to feel more and more as a plot convenience and I’m suddenly reminded of the fact that I don’t really know where he came from. At some point E. takes a boat, then the next we see of her she’s with D..

Aurora: Nice.

Raptors: I’ve liked the raptors so far, especially a few chapters back when E. was in a room with them, putting their programming to the test. But seeing as they really don’t attack people they are kind of becoming boring at this point. I’m just waiting for them to get over their programming and become a threat.

Bratty: Is it me, or is the MC getting ever more like a petulant child? Not sure I quite like it.

Wasted effort: I’m a bit disappointed that the build-up towards finding the women before Mor does is cut to such an abrupt end. The last we saw Mor he had no idea where the women were, now barely a night’s rest later and he suddenly has them, has decided to let them live (convenient) and all the effort in getting prepared to finding the women is wasted.

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And I'm back. Sorry for the delay. Great comments these. 

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

Eh, I don't know about this chapter. It just begins to feel like our group is protag-ing and making progress and then they get a phone call, followed by another phone call that makes it all irrelevant. It sort of killed the interest for me. It seems like too little is happening at their end. Everything is happening elsewhere. I also felt like we could use more description or action going on during all these conversations.

Yes, yes, and hundred time yes (well, three anyway). Rather lazily, I've cleaved (cloven?) to the previous path of this chapter without really embracing the re-writes of the previous two which was lazy. What I will do, I think (I'll got through the other critiques first), is recast the chapter so that any necessary dialogue from this version takes place on the move in a West Wing-y sort of wise, so that the potential that I may have managed to generate in Chp.18 is 'released' and converted to kinetic energy as quickly as possible. Thanks again for calling me on this.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

The velociraptors were a nice touch. It took me a while to get used to them, but then I liked it. Are they old school Jurassic Park type or new chicken-raptors?

I loooove VLs, These are old skool 6/7' tall John Hammond / Richard Attenborough / JP variety all the way.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 3 - two typos - believed and do instead of to

Check. Thanks.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

Is it bad that I can't remember who Dulcie is?

No, not really. He doesn't get a lot of lines. He comes in back at Chp.14. I think if you'd been in sine then you'd remember that he was there :) 

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 5 - I would add some punctuation to indicate pauses in the sheriff's conversation. I got it, but if you weren't reading carefully, it might not come off. The way it's written, the call seems to take no time at all. Perhaps add in some of the stage direction of people awkwardly waiting while someone talks on the phone.

Good point. I've done that. Maybe a bit cluttered now, but I'll refine it on the next pass.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

"If T testifies that M instigated the whole thing; he, G and maybe E-C" - I see why you used the semicolon here, but it's just awkward. Maybe reorder this sentence to add the companies in at the end to avoid awkward punctuation.

Fair comment. Done.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 7 - Both the conversation at the hotel and now this conversation in the car feel a bit floating heads in a white room, then a bunch of description. I think the two could stand to be mixed together a bit.

I think I'm going to put one conversation in the vehicle. I would put it out on the lake, but they're supposed to be keeping quiet and not attracting attention at that point.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 8 - "but they were not, by long chalk." - I have never heard this expression before. It's "by a long shot." Unless it's world-building? Like the expression has suffered semantic drift?

Ah, this is the British origin of the 'long shot' expression. Perhaps it's archaic.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

"If you don’t have IR" - strikes me as a weird thing to say. Reads like a technical manual, not conversation. But then, putting on the IR goggles in the first place seemed odd. I am not sensing the danger they are.

I hope I have ramped up the tension a bit before this passage, so that it resonates better.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

It took me a minute to get that M was supposed to be startled by Q's gesture and not just slipping on ice. Needs stage direction.

I've reworded. I agree it wasn't clear.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

“The really good news is that we’re about to go back across the lake to LI.” - I'm not following this paragraph at all, but maybe new reader syndrome.

I think that might be a factor. I'll see how the others find it.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 11 - “Hey,” he said. “What’s wrong with your gun?” - Who's he? As it's a response to K, can't be him. Previous dialogue is by M, who I think is female.

Yeah, it's Q responding to M. Now tagged.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 13 - Ugh, this phone caller has super bad timing. He's killing the tension.

Okay. Noted. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was going for things getting worse in the sense that DM has the now. However, I need to ramp up the danger. Why would he not kill them?

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 15 - I don't understand why K has to call K. If they had a falling out in the earlier phone call, why would they keep in touch? You can't have it both ways.

I tried to explain it through Kr's line about going by the book, but I agree there is a whole mess of calls around here and nothing else is happening. It's really flat. I need to fix it somehow, probably by cutting at least one call.

On 29/01/2020 at 0:44 AM, lizbusby said:

p 16 - It seems weird to me that the head of the investigation would hang up on him without getting confirmation that he was obeying orders or not. Seems really unprofessional.

I've changed it to Kr hanging up, but it may go anyway.

Thanks for the comments, Liz. Very helpful :) 

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Hey Mandamon, many thanks for reading, I totally accept there are some major issues with this chapter.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

I'd like it to be much more of a struggle for them to get where they need to go (just not a long struggle, like crossing hundreds of miles of empty Canadian wilderness).

Well, they're not there yet.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

Also confused as to where the dinosaur came from and who directed them to escort the group.

That's revealed in the next chapter. I was going for the heightened nervousness of the unknown in this chapter.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

Pg 2: "believe" -> "believed", "How far to you trust" -> "How far do you trust"

Check.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: I like the continued scale/cello metaphor.

:) 

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "that he’ll intercede if… when we find them,"
--who's "them?" the ladies?

Yes. I was hoping it was clear enough, since they're not looking for anyone else.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "Yeah, well, every day’s Sunday in the convent..."
--great line and very M.

:D 

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "They were moving through M’s domain"
--why is it DM's? I thought they were near D's house?

I meant in terms of darkness, covert action, sneaking around messing stuff up. I've rewritten around here, so hopefully clearer.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "So what they doing"
--missing "are"

Check.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: I'm not sure why the dinosaurs are escorting them, or how they even found the group. Did DM send them, or was it just a chance encounter? If DM sent them, it's another case of him not doing anything when he could take them down, and I can't really believe there are many of those creatures.

Second comment about. But if keeping to reveal till next chapter is causing an issue I might need to move it.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "9x19mm problem"
--not sure what this is.

It's an ammo clip reference. I will review.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: Very confused why they are being escorted by dinosaurs.

Heh :unsure:. I'll see how it plays through the two chapters and revise from there.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "Does it matter now? He has them in one of the empty habitats"
--Hmmm...this is...very convenient, and sort of a letdown. The whole point of the last section is to find those two before DM, and now he's found, them but everything's fine because he's somehow not instantly killing them as he's promised the whole book?

Yes. I think this is the problem around here, and I need to ramp up the tension hugely as to why he wouldn't just kill them.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "That’s not the main thing right anymore. We’re coming to the end. You need to come to G NOW! Everything you need is here."
--Uh, ok. This also seems very authorial, like you're telling us "here's where the book wraps up."

Okay, that's a problem. There is a reason for it, but...

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: ok, you point this out in the next paragraph, so that helps some, but this all still feels very convenient.

Oh, good. Sight reprieve maybe, but still. I'll need to look at the whole second part of the chapter with the various calls which are killing to the tension, as noted.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "“Don’t talk over me! You think I’d have let this mess happen"
--MC is suddenly very chatty and plot convenient here. 

I was going for angry. To be reviewed and light of all the comments in this round.

On 29/01/2020 at 2:33 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: With the special agent override, this even more feels like the plot pointing the characters to go to the big boss battle at the end. They could have gone to G at any point, but now it's suddenly very urgent they do so immediately, and oh yeah, all the people they've been looking for happen to be there as well.

Comes back to the underlying reason which...

A lot of these issues I'm sure are arising because I generally only ever have a rough outline of the plot, but not the details of the back end. So, by this point, I am discovery writing to the end, and my propensity for adding layers of complication has been largely unchecked. Thanks for the great comments. Once I've harvested everything from these great critiques I will chop up this chapter and try and knock it into shape.

Thanks again :) 

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Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading.

On 30/01/2020 at 9:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I think I'm with the others in that I'm left fairly unhappy by this chapter,

:(  

On 30/01/2020 at 9:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

despite it being really good action and a great tense end.

:) 

On 30/01/2020 at 9:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

There've just been too many chapters where, like this, Q&M finally make some forward progress or decide to take action just to have it negated by things outside their control.

:rolleyes: 

On 30/01/2020 at 9:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

This isn't a government unit chasing them, but it has the same effect of cutting off their actions at the knees. What was the point of M discovering the things, of Q talking Kr into this midnight raid, if the phone voice just shows up and says "j/k none of that matters, just go here?" 

:unsure: 

On 30/01/2020 at 9:49 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I really enjoyed the aurora borealis.

:D 

Yes, I accept there are plenty of issues with this chapter. I think most arise because I'm still stumbling my way around the plot fixes, but I'm looking to rewrite the whole thing with all these good, motivating comments in mind. Thank you!

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Thanks for reading, Silk. Much appreciated.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

Hmm. Mixed feelings about this chapter. I was excited to see them heading towards their destination, but frustrated that we never got there after all of the buildup, not to mention frustrated that DM has gotten the upper hand on the team once again (without even appearing in the chapter, which I think is part of the problem; all we have right now is MC’s word for it, so it feels especially arbitrary and artificial).

Yeah. Re-write coming up, although I don't think I'll submit it again, since I don't see it ending up in a greatly different place. We'll see. I may or may not be able to submit on Monday, depending how long this takes.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

I like the threat of the airstrike on Gen at the end of the chapter, but would much rather have seen the group accomplish something at the island first. They even could have found the place empty with indications that TT and MR had left of their own volition or whatever, which could have potentially put them back into DM’s clutches. Maybe they had been threatened by Gen’s beasties and had to leave in a hurry. Maybe they found some information they thought they could use against DM and left it out on the counter. Maybe the TV is on and foreshadowing that stuff’s about to go down at Gen before they get the call from MC. I just wanted the team to get there and accomplish something, not to get partway there and then be told that it didn’t matter anymore.

These are all good thoughts. I mentioned earlier having the group undertake part of the conversation on the move, and that would tie in with them going to the house after all. That has to be more satisfying than them standing around, as has been noted.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

I’m also trying to decide how I feel about the dinos shadowing the group... I assume the dinos are here to basically be really-cool looking cannon fodder against various other TF that the team will presumably have to get through to get into Gen. I’m certainly onboard in theory, but I'm n not quite sold on the execution.

Okay. There's more to come on this aspect, so I'll wait and see how that plays out before changing anything in this thread.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

Now that we’re looking at this scene again, I’m wondering what Kr had hoped to gain by calling Koo, since he’s already decided he’s not playing this by the letter of the law by busting Q. and co. out of jail, and he doesn’t actually ask Koo for anything. Not to mention, Koo could be dead for all he knows; the last we saw, he’d just been shot by DM.

Yeah, thinking of cutting this call.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

Top of p4, “If T testifies that M instigated the whole thing;” should be a comma at the end of this clause, not a semi-colon.

Check. Other typos also dealt with, thank you.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

P4 “Q all the fatigue that his voice carried” missing word?

Check.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

This is the same night as t hey got into the hotel, yes? They seem to have decided to ignore the curfew, which is fine, but there’s no discussion about that decision or how they’re going to avoid repercussions. Nor does anyone seem to be enforcing the curfew.

Good point. I've 'name checked' the curfew.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

“I guess you’re assuming I trust you...” Really, after everything D has said up to this point, what else was Kr expecting?

I'm going to reword these couple of paragraphs. They're not ringing 'good' to me.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

Why is MC referring to himself as MC? I don’t think anyone has ever used that language to his face.

Fair point. Because it's a cool Spider-man line, obviously. But, for reasons, I'll probably cut it.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

Yeah, I see I'm not alone in my thoughts here. I don't think that Gen remaining the end-goal is a problem in itself, but definitely this last chapter has definitely made the last many chapters chasing  TT feel  like an optional side-quest. What I think it comes down to is this: If they don't actually get to the island, if they don't actually find TT and MR here, what payoff do they (and readers) get that they absolutely couldn't get by going straight to Gen? What makes it essential that we go through this arc before getting to Gen itself? Why redirect us back to Gen here and not, say, when the team arrived at MR's house to find it empty?

Yeah. As noted, I'm going rewrite this chapter and take up your suggestion of sending them to the location. Maybe I will re-submit it on Monday, if I get through it, and if you guys can bear yet another rewrite. I have just had a neat idea (I think), that could play really nicely in this chapter, I think.

On 02/02/2020 at 3:51 AM, Silk said:

Seconded.

There are some great aurora images on Streetview, which I was using for layout and mood in some of these locations out on the lake. Thanks for the endorsement of this! I enjoy what these images/this description does to the mood.

Great comments. Thanks, Silk!! :) 

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Hey, Sarah, thanks so much for reading.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:35 PM, Sarah B said:

Cello metephore: I might be misinterpreting it, but it seems like a mixed metaphor with both music scale and size scale. Or it's a pun and I missed it.

I’ve tweaked it slightly but, unusually for me, no pun was intended!

On 02/02/2020 at 7:35 PM, Sarah B said:

'K weighed the man up...' I understood this line but it struck me as odd. I've heard 'sized the man up' but never weighed.

Maybe a UK/NAF thing ;) 

On 02/02/2020 at 7:35 PM, Sarah B said:

Near 50%: 'the breeze played along the little exposed skin...' I think 'little' could be left out for a stronger sentence.

Great minds! I’ve started my rewrite and ‘little’ is already gone.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:35 PM, Sarah B said:

D's outline up ahead - this sentence took me a couple tries to sort out. Might be clearer as two separate

Yes. The wording is muddled at best. Reworded. 

Quote

'M whispered urgently, grinning maniacally...' even though you only have one descriptive word for each verb, they're so close they feel piled up. Cutting one or the other might improve the flow.

Happy to cut the maniacal grinning. 

Quote

Near 2/3; remote destruct sentence is missing a 'have'

Check. Inserted ‘carry’.

Quote

I really like the Northern lights sequence as well. I'm not sure the effect is bright enough to shine in windows like moonlight does though. I've never seen them in person so I could be wrong. 

Me neither. I’ll see if anyone who knows calls ‘foul’. 

Quote

Near 90%: 'heads turning, tilting occasionally' could be combined to 'their heads turning and tilting occasionally but....'

Check. Added ‘and’, deleted ‘occasionally’.

Quote

The velociraptor parts were fun to read, anyone who has walked away from the campfire at night can relate to that feeling to some extent. If you were looking to stretch the stalking scenes out and add some more action...

Excellent. I’m glad they seem to be going over well, generally. I feel they are the Chekov’s Gun of the story, being mentioned so early. Will I pull the trigger, as you suggest? Well now, we’ll just need to wait and see, won’t we... :ph34r: 

Quote

Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for commenting! Very helpful :) 

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Hey, Asmodemon, so glad to have you onboard :) 

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

I am with the others on this one, I don’t really like the sudden direction this chapter took at the end, when the MC basically cut the adventure short and pointed the crew towards the final confrontation. Feels a waste of all the build-up so far.

Feedback seems to be universal on this. I am changing.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

Phone call to sheriff: I really wonder why Kr suddenly felt the need to call the local sheriff at the start of the chapter, and what he thought that would do – he was never going to turn Q&M in...

I thought it might some doubt in the reader's mind.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

...which would absolutely be what the sheriff would demand because they escaped from jail. So why is procedure so important all of a sudden? Nothing has really changed, all that has changed is that Q spouted some hairbrained theories that may or may not be true, with far reaching consequences if they are, but that’s not as pressing as the business they were already in, namely saving the two women from Mor and dealing with the creatures roaming the landscape.

Fair enough. Kr has sort of gone off the rails in the last few hours in response to how he sees things on the ground. In my head, he's conflicted about this, hence his action. I think I will need to tag this in the rewritten chapter, show him coming to an acceptance of this.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

Plumber with weapons: While I do like D. as a character, and his interactions with the rest of the crew, he’s starting to feel more and more as a plot convenience and I’m suddenly reminded of the fact that I don’t really know where he came from. At some point E. takes a boat, then the next we see of her she’s with D..

Fair comment. I was hoping to gloss over that and not have to explain too much. I guess I could drop a scene earlier in the story. I'll need to think about that, but I do take your point. From memory, someone commented on that at the time he came into the story.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

Aurora: Nice.

:) 

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

Raptors: I’ve liked the raptors so far, especially a few chapters back when E. was in a room with them, putting their programming to the test. But seeing as they really don’t attack people they are kind of becoming boring at this point. I’m just waiting for them to get over their programming and become a threat.

Noted. I'm not planning for them to remain like they are presently, anyway.

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

Bratty: Is it me, or is the MC getting ever more like a petulant child? Not sure I quite like it.

Could not possibly comment... :ph34r: 

On 02/02/2020 at 7:38 PM, Asmodemon said:

Wasted effort: I’m a bit disappointed that the build-up towards finding the women before Mor does is cut to such an abrupt end. The last we saw Mor he had no idea where the women were, now barely a night’s rest later and he suddenly has them, has decided to let them live (convenient) and all the effort in getting prepared to finding the women is wasted.

Yes, I'm rewriting this, and your point about letting them like is noted. I had tried to tag this, but think I need to revisit how I've handled that. I'm thinking about him using the as hostages.

Great comments. Many thanks, greatly appreciated! :) 

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20 hours ago, Robinski said:

Yeah, thinking of cutting this call.

This probably makes sense in light of the other revisions you've made. Before it at least served a purpose of Kr. making/confirming a decision that he was NOT going by the book on this one, but with the revisions, this has already been made abundantly clear before now.

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

That has to be more satisfying than them standing around, as has been noted.

Agree. I think this will help.

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

Because it's a cool Spider-man line, obviously.

...I knew that.

(Narrator, looking at camera: she did not, in fact, know that.)

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

Maybe I will re-submit it on Monday, if I get through it, and if you guys can bear yet another rewrite.

Hey, whatever you think is most useful for you!

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6 hours ago, Silk said:

(Narrator, looking at camera: she did not, in fact, know that.)

:lol:  We're watching Parks and Rec through for the first time, so this made me laugh.

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6 hours ago, Robinski said:

:lol:  We're watching Parks and Rec through for the first time, so this made me laugh.

Yes, that was absolutely a deliberate and clever Parks and Rec reference. 100%. *shifty eyes*

Edited by Silk
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Before I opened this thread, I checked the pinned post to make sure you were planning to send something tomorrow, because the end of this chapter made me wish I already had the next one in my inbox.

There were a lot of things I enjoyed about this scene. The interaction between K and D around the secret stash of guns, M's reaction to guns. The VelRs. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to like them or think they're cute, but I do in a "maybe they're smarter and more independent than the people who made them think and they'll somehow become allies" and "can I have a pet VelR" kind of way. 

 The call getting intercepted and redirected was great. 

I like how MC's voice is starting to change a bit. He is less mysterious, more panicked. 

This led me to the one thing that kind of irked me. That moment when MC revealed that DM had beaten them to the person they've been looking for for almost the whole book, and that person isn't where they thought she was. Something about that made me feel like the rug was being pulled out from under my feet (pardon my cliche) and brings me back to the feeling that these poor characters never really get anywhere. 

I am looking forward to the next chapter. :-)

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On 10/02/2020 at 4:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Before I opened this thread, I checked the pinned post to make sure you were planning to send something tomorrow, because the end of this chapter made me wish I already had the next one in my inbox.

Hey, thanks so much for reading, SSmooth. The thing is.... this week's sub..... is a rewrite of this one :unsure: 

But I'm really glad you're keen to read the next bit!!

On 10/02/2020 at 4:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"maybe they're smarter and more independent than the people who made them think and they'll somehow become allies" and "can I have a pet VelR" kind of way

:ph34r: You really do need the next chapter. It should be 'up' on Monday coming (17th).

On 10/02/2020 at 4:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The call getting intercepted and redirected was great.

Err, I'm glad you liked this, buuuuttttt... it's now cut. There was a fair bit of very reasonable and rational dislike for the number of calls in this chapter, so there are now two fewer than there were, and this was one of the victims.

On 10/02/2020 at 4:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I like how MC's voice is starting to change a bit. He is less mysterious, more panicked.

Good. Completely intended.

On 10/02/2020 at 4:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

That moment when MC revealed that DM had beaten them to the person they've been looking for for almost the whole book, and that person isn't where they thought she was. Something about that made me feel like the rug was being pulled out from under my feet (pardon my cliche) and brings me back to the feeling that these poor characters never really get anywhere.

Ah, well now.

On 10/02/2020 at 4:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I am looking forward to the next chapter. :-)

You can now read the next scene in the rewrite of this chapter! So, I guess you don't need to wait until Monday after all.

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Overall

Hmm, I don't know about this one. I felt like it didn't have a complete arc, and I'm not certain what the chapter's purpose was since it didn't seem to move them forward at all. Just a lot of talking and walking. I won't belabor this since I see there is a new version and this is a week old. Off to read the next one, and hoping for a bit more arc, or action! Do love those velociraptors though!

 

On 2/2/2020 at 11:38 AM, Asmodemon said:

when the MC basically cut the adventure short and pointed the crew towards the final confrontation. Feels a waste of all the build-up so far.

Yes, the same for me.

 

As I go

- pg 2: But he believe that <-- missing a 'd' on believe

- Who is D? WRS?

- pg 4: what was M's ruse? WRS again? I don't remember

- D is a plumber? Yeah I have no memory of this person

- pg 7: this section could use some ice noises! As @shatteredsmooth mentioned somewhere or other, frozen lakes can be very loud or very, very silent. I'd say pick one extreme or the other.

- pg 9: or as part of M’s raging lesbian revenge fantasy <-- I giggled

 

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14 hours ago, kais said:

Hmm, I don't know about this one. I felt like it didn't have a complete arc, and I'm not certain what the chapter's purpose was since it didn't seem to move them forward at all. Just a lot of talking and walking. I won't belabor this since I see there is a new version and this is a week old. Off to read the next one, and hoping for a bit more arc, or action! Do love those velociraptors though!

Yes, this was a hot mess, but with with velociraptors!!!! :D 

I think there is an arc in the 'repaired' version, thanks to all the nice people calling me on that in this version.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- Who is D? WRS? - I think it's WRS, but I'm contemplating adding him in (much) earlier, just a passing reference in E's POV, so he doesn't come out of nowhere.

- pg 4: what was M's ruse? WRS again? I don't remember - In the jail, when DM confronts them, there is a one-liner when Mth says "You'll never manage to access Barry R's workplace" trying to misdirect DM and imply that's where the two women are hiding. It's blink-and-you'll miss it, but I'm hoping folk reading straight through will get it, because it's only twenty pages back really.

- D is a plumber? Yeah I have no memory of this person - See above

 

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 7: this section could use some ice noises! As @shatteredsmooth mentioned somewhere or other, frozen lakes can be very loud or very, very silent. I'd say pick one extreme or the other.

Okay, okay. I surrender. Ice noises already!! <sigh> You people, honestly. When you get an idea in your head ;) 

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 9: or as part of M’s raging lesbian revenge fantasy <-- I giggled

You know what? I was specifically thinking of you when I wrote that line, thinking, K will either (a) giggle; or (b) rip me a new one. I am relieved it was (a). Dare I hope I might be about to level-up in my discretionary Sensitivity to Diversity skill (like maybe to Level 1 from Level 0/WTF did you just say/write?)?

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8 hours ago, Robinski said:

Dare I hope I might be about to level-up in my discretionary Sensitivity to Diversity skill (like maybe to Level 1 from Level 0/WTF did you just say/write?)?

Oh come now. I'd give you at least a 2! You managed to code two power femmes pretty darn well without any outside help!

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15 hours ago, kais said:

Oh come now. I'd give you at least a 2! You managed to code two power femmes pretty darn well without any outside help!

Whoa! Double level-up?!! Yus. <fist pump>

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