Mandamon

20200127 - Fall of the Imperium Ch7 - 6028 words - Sub 7

15 posts in this topic

Chapter 7 of book 3. Sorry for the length! After reading this over, I think a lot of the things in this chapter can be pulled back and compressed with the first two chapters to make a more powerful beginning. Let me know what you think!

All comments are welcome, as usual.

Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more, but when they get there, E still has issues from her imprisonment that keep them from leaving. They instead work with the leader of the Ari group, until the Eff faints. Man comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of books 2). We switch to Ri and Co, who have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings. They go back to the Imp, where they engage some of the invaders, with great effort, and then go to a Speaker's estate, where she is collecting refugees. We then go to Re and the assassins and learn how they escaped the invaders.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi!  I’m new to the group and unfortunately am jumping into your story in chapter 7 (which obviously is not a great way to start reading a book) so I won’t get too into story edits.  Also, it sounds like this may not be the first book in the series?  I couldn’t tell for sure, so please feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also, because of the fact that I am starting so late in the book, I found the passage a little confusing and so didn’t end up reading the whole thing. (It might have been different if I had started at the beginning with everyone else. :) )

From what I could tell, you have a pretty solid writing style and I could definitely tell you had a pretty good handle what you were doing.  Obviously this is important, and I commend you on that!

I got the feeling from what I read that this is science fiction... it sounded like there were alien races involved.  I did like the fact that it sounds like you have a polyamorous relationship going on between the MC and at least two other characters... that’s not something I’ve seen often in the SF/F I read, and it was rather refreshing actually.

 To be honest, the biggest struggles I had with this mostly revolved around the names.  I found a lot of them difficult to pronounce and confusing.  Again, this could be something that would be much clearer had I started reading at the beginning of the book instead of in the 7th chapter, but stumbling over the names and being confused over who/what they belong to made it difficult for me to stay anchored in the story.  

The other thing I struggled with in the story was passive voice and telling. There seemed to be quite a lot of it.  Now it was all very well written!  But even in third person limited POV, I didn’t really feel like I was part of the story at all but rather sort of being told everything that was happening in the story., if that makes sense.

I hope this is somewhat helpful.  I may come back later and try to do a more in-depth critique, but I read and typed this up on my 30 min lunch break so its a bit rushed.

Good luck with your writing!

 

Edited by Silverbard
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My favorite chapter so far. I really liked you balance of information, dialogue, and action. 

The opening entry seemed to have a couple run on sentences with multiple topics.

Aound the 50% mark there was a pronoun switch just before the paragraph that started, "You see my apostle."

Thanks for sharing!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to Reading Excuses, @Silverbard! Yes, you sort of stepped into the deep end here, but thanks for the valiant effort!

21 hours ago, Silverbard said:

I got the feeling from what I read that this is science fiction... it sounded like there were alien races involved.  I did like the fact that it sounds like you have a polyamorous relationship going on between the MC and at least two other characters... that’s not something I’ve seen often in the SF/F I read, and it was rather refreshing actually.

Glad you like it. All three books are very queer-friendly.

21 hours ago, Silverbard said:

To be honest, the biggest struggles I had with this mostly revolved around the names.

Granted. They're definitely strange if you haven't read the rest.

21 hours ago, Silverbard said:

The other thing I struggled with in the story was passive voice and showing. There seemed to be quite a lot of it.

Great catch. I'll look at this and make sure I make it more active. I usually put more direct emotion in with my second draft, and that helps get rid of passive voice too.

@Sarah B

11 hours ago, Sarah B said:

My favorite chapter so far. I really liked you balance of information, dialogue, and action. 

Great! I really liked this one too when I read through it.

11 hours ago, Sarah B said:

The opening entry seemed to have a couple run on sentences with multiple topics.

I'll look for them.

11 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Aound the 50% mark there was a pronoun switch just before the paragraph that started, "You see my apostle."

Thanks for catching!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I can't really put my finger on what I had a problem with, but I kept sliding off this chapter. I restarted reading it at least 6 times. I'd get about 3 pages in, then I'd find myself somewhere else on the internet. Partially, it is I think the choppiness of this first section for the book (the chapter I didn't find particularly choppy). For me it's hard to keep the thread of tension from one story to the next, when there isn't a lot in common between the parts. I think maybe I could also use some more sensory details to help cement things in a place and sort of corporeality. But I don't know. It's a vague sort of feeling, because otherwise, this is a great, meaty chapter with lots going on and lots of emotions and reactions, especially from a prior-to-emotions-pass draft. 
 
The bits with EI&S are good, but they seem to be retreading the same ground that the introductory chapters did, with everyone remarking how different everyone else is and how E&I really need to talk about their Ari Stuff (tm) without the non-Ari present and S not wanting to go, etc. I really like this section much better than the first go-'round of it, though. It's clearer to understand and feels more like genuine emotion than forced melodrama.  
 
"He wanted to ask her"   -- xyr?
 
There's a musician/band joke in there somewhere about S and percussionists, but I am not musician enough to find it. 
 
I am disappointed that after three (?) chapters of SE&I talking about how much they want to go back/who should go back/who should stay/whether they should go back/what they could learn if they went back that when S FINALLY gets to go back he gets thwarted. It's a tense and well done scene, to be sure, but it's also disappointing. I wouldn't even mind if he stuck just his face and big toe out there and then got chased back by a giant rat king of slugs, but at least he would have gotten there, y'know? It also breaks the pattern of each group escaping the slugs then returning to see what the slugs have done with the place, for what that's worth. There's certainly power in patterns and power in breaking patterns, and I can't tell if this is intended or not and I don't really know where I'm going with this but it feels pretty right there up front to me. Sorry this isn't making a whole lot of sense. 
 
The end kind of leaves me unsatisfied as well, since after all of that, this chapter seems to me to end where it starts, with S not leaving and waiting on the emperor to get better. It's also basically the same spot as the beginning chapters, too. SE&I just seem to be trading around who's determined to go, who's "needing" to stay, and who's just wanting to get snuggles from the whole band.
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall

Not too many comments. I really liked this chapter and thought it had good tension and action. I'd have liked the chat between the twins and S expanded a bit more with emotion, as it all seemed very abrupt, but other than that I liked it a lot! I definitely think it could go into earlier S chapters to amp up the beginning of the story, but it also provides some great traction where it is, too. As always, I think your apprentice chapters are the strongest and the easiest to engage with, likely because those characters are doing more growth still than the older ones.

 

 

As I go

- pg 2: Nice to see a Sam growth reminder!

- pg 6: do we ever get to know more about the Ari war?

- pg 9: the Meth people eat the same as a southern Americana diet?

- pg 13: I'm very into this passage through the crystal scene! Good tension!

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @industrialistDragon and @kais! Very helpful comments and I think it cements how I want to edit this chapter.

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I can't really put my finger on what I had a problem with, but I kept sliding off this chapter.

 

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

The bits with EI&S are good, but they seem to be retreading the same ground that the introductory chapters did

I'm hoping this general disfavor is because the chapter is retreading a lot of ground. I think I'm going to pull this one forward and combine it with the first two. That will remove one of the "tries" and spice up the beginning.

 

13 hours ago, kais said:

I'd have liked the chat between the twins and S expanded a bit more with emotion, as it all seemed very abrupt

I think that will also help correct this problem, as I can expand the chat in the first couple chapters and/or have an extension here.

13 hours ago, kais said:

do we ever get to know more about the Ari war?

Sort of. There are a few indirect bits later on. I actually have a short story I'm planning to release with the kickstarter for the sequels that is actually set at the beginning of the war. I really like it, but I'm going to have to make sure it's consistent with the books now I've written them. It was one of the bonuses from the last kickstarter for an individual.

13 hours ago, kais said:

the Meth people eat the same as a southern Americana diet?

hmm...I was actually going for mid-eastern/Indian. I'll go back and check what I wrote.

13 hours ago, kais said:

I'm very into this passage through the crystal scene! Good tension!

Cool! This was where I started to hit my stride experimenting with dictation, and I think it helps me communicate emotion better.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I enjoyed the sequence in the wall as something finally seems to be happening. The concept of how the facets are connected to the nether is murky to me based on this section, though I'm assuming better explained in other books? I also wonder about S seemingly doing things long thought impossible in such an early chapter of the book. It seems like breaking world rules for convenience sake, which weakens my suspension of disbelief and also makes S seem like an overpowered Mary Sue to me.

The first half of the scene was slow for me. The purpose seemed to be to show S growing in his ability to control his anxiety, but frankly, the actions going on were boring and uninteresting. The A medical system seemed not well thought through and could use world building. And then it just devolved into another "let's go in different directions" discussion which was reversed again at the end of the chapter. Please, just decide whether they need to do this sequence together or not and stick with it. It seems unrealistic in an emergency to be constantly splitting up then getting back together hours later. Why bother?

 

Notes while reading:

p 2 - Really? It's rare for one of an instance to die? It seems like it would be common except when people die of old age. Unless instances are in the exact same place at the same time, they would constantly be subject to different likelihoods of things like car accidents, diseases, etc. New reader, but I don't buy this given what I know.

p 5 - Come to think of it, why are they carrying them? Do they not have cars or at least ambulances?

If losing an instance is rare, why would there be a doctor well trained in it? I was under the impression this was a small community so would they have the resources to devote to that?

p 6 - I'm confused as to why In has doubts that the diadem can adapt to someone new, especially when M, who has more experience, has just told them that he can teach them. What does he even know about it?

p 7 - How does the doctor know they are maji? I thought no maji of A were known before them....

p 8 - Sam leaving again feels wishy-washy. How often has he changed his mind in these opening chapters?

p 9 - "The walls were beginning to darken into evening" - I find this description distracting and strange, given that there was a magical wall that could change color in the first chapter. Are the walls really changing color or is the light making it appear so?

"bridge that led into the wall" - Ditto this. Does it really lead into the wall or just through a doorway or break in the wall? I'm confused.

Ah, so we are back at the color changing wall. Then why were there multiple at the beginning? Well, either way, you know that this confused me. Do with it what you will.

p 14 - I liked the sequence inside the wall, though I was confused as to how they got out. Did he create a shield from the notes of matter? It seems like this will have massive repercussions. Modifying a previously thought to be unmodifiable crystal seems a little over-powered. It seems like it should be a climax of a book, not chapter 7. I wasn't sure his power level was justified in world. If not, this would feel like cheating.

p 16 - "Yes, possible." - I didn't understand what question this was answering. Also, I assumed that the N was W W, but I didn't remember his species name, so that was jarring.

p 17 - I'm not quite gathering what WW is trying to get at with the explanation about bridges. It really didn't clear up anything for me.

Also, laying on succulents would be uncomfortable as they are usually pokey, right?

p 18-19 - Oh no, seriously? He's going back to get them again? This is way too wishy-washy and seems to smack of actions motivated by plot convenience rather than any real decision.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @lizbusby!

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

The concept of how the facets are connected to the nether is murky to me based on this section, though I'm assuming better explained in other books? I also wonder about S seemingly doing things long thought impossible in such an early chapter of the book.

Yes, this is explained in the second book. I'm not too worried about S being powerful here. This is the third in a series, so he's had plenty of time to "rev up."

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

Really? It's rare for one of an instance to die?

Yeah, I'll have to do a little work on this section and massage the worldbuilding.

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

Do they not have cars or at least ambulances?

Some of this got explained in book 2. This place is more or less pre-industrial revolution.

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

Sam leaving again feels wishy-washy. How often has he changed his mind in these opening chapters?

Yep. This will be cleaned up a lot. Also sorry in advance for next chapter! There will be more wishy-washy-ness, but I'm planning to condense all the S/E/I POV chapters to get rid of some of it.

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

I find this description distracting and strange, given that there was a magical wall that could change color in the first chapter. Are the walls really changing color or is the light making it appear so?

Ah, thanks for catching. I don't know if I covered that in this book. The walls follow a day/night cycle in terms of light output.

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

Does it really lead into the wall or just through a doorway or break in the wall? I'm confused.

Actually into it. Something from book 2 again...sorry.

On 1/31/2020 at 1:20 PM, lizbusby said:

It seems like this will have massive repercussions. Modifying a previously thought to be unmodifiable crystal seems a little over-powered. It seems like it should be a climax of a book, not chapter 7. I wasn't sure his power level was justified in world. If not, this would feel like cheating.

Good feedback. This will help me clean this section up. I don't think I was clear in what I meant.

Thanks again!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Comments.

(page 1)

- "are in fact uses for all six houses" - applications. And I'm not keen on the use of 'cause', which does not sound like a deliberate effect, but more like a side effect. 

- "keep away or allow" - The language in the epigraph is not, I feel, sufficiently technical for someone as experienced and senior as a lead surgeon. It's the word choice, I feel. 

- "poked their roofs above the shrubbery" - But the houses don't do this sentiently, as this wording suggests. This is a case where wording should be passive, IMO. The roofs of houses poked above the shrubbery.

- "there were none of the other species of this facet in evidence" - Super wordy, and why is this relevant? It's not like there are a bunch of Meth present (for example). Is it not just the case that there are no other beings present at all (regardless of origin)?

- "nearly dropped the arm he was carrying" - sounds like the arm is separate from the body. Suggest 'supporting'.

- "surrounded by a crowd of familiar beings" - But how long has he been aware of these beings? Days? I struggle a bit with him considering them familiar.

(page 2)

- "Don’t be like this!" - I like this plaintive protest against his fundamental nature. I like to see him fighting internally against it, when in Book 1 he gave in so often.

- "called up to his" - How are they above him? I don't understand. Earlier, they were across from him, and they're carrying the sam person.

- "that does not take our other in." - But the Ef's other inst. is already dead, are they not? This line does not seem to represent the situation in this case.

- "tremors going through this one" - Is this not the form of address used by the Sa? Or is it the Ben? It's not used by the Ar, is it? Oh, wait, she's referring to the diadem. Unclear, IMO.

(page 3)

- "with them so close" - who/what is them? Not totally clear it's the two diadem, as only one has been mentioned.

- "he didn’t quite touch" - Either he does or he doesn't. Vagueness like this is distracting / frustrating.

- "He watched the A houses" - too passive, IMO, if he's trying to distract himself. Maybe 'examined', 'scanned', 'studied'.

- "She allowed me to study her" - 'it', I think. Or 'her's', I suppose.

- "had ever had anyone he could be intimate with" - really awkward. Could say 'had every been with someone'.

(page 4)

- "He guessed x was nervous, though the N" - I think 'though' is off. If he has to guess, then the N is not translating at all.

- "seemed to want to tell him" - vagueness again. 

- "He had been aware of a lot..." - a lot of what? This sentence is kind of vague and wandering, I feel.

- "and he tried not to make eye contact" - vagueness again. Avoiding eye contact is easy, in a physical sense. 'and he avoided eye contact.' is clearer. Just because he's uncertain, does to mean he can't act to avoid eye contact, in fact, it should be reflexive for him.

- This stuff is interesting, but it all feels too relaxed. It feels rather like they're having an intellectual conversation when the Ef is hurt. I'm not sensing much urgency, or concern for their health.

(page 5)

- "the handsome A" - Mmm. This clashed for me when I read it first, but I let it go, however... S has only known of the existence of aliens for how many weeks? And for Ar for how many days? And with all his his terror of the world, now he's find them romantically attractive? I struggle with this. Not least because I don't know anything about how this creature looks, 'anatomically'. I and E and basically 'human' to all intents and purposes, are they not? I.e. Meth in appearance?

- "Then you think some old memories may be intact and stored?" - Seems to me this is exactly what they just said. This line seems superfluous to me, and makes I look a bit thick.

- "There were some aspects of Ar anatomy" - this is a comment from a previous chapter, but I forget the answer. Surely, there have been non-Ar Efs and they must have worn the diadem, have they not?

- "They may well be" - He said the were above, now he's almost second-guessing his own comment. This dialogue could stand to be tied up / energised, m'thinks.

(page 8)

- "You are different" - But he has noticed these physical differences before, has he not? Surely, they would be completely obvious to him, especially the eye colour, since he has been intimate with E. If he did not notice before )in previous chapters), I really think he would, wouldn't he, before now?

- "snapping a report back" - 'retort'.

- "she’s able to pull me out" - who's 'she'? Is WoWo not a 'they'?

(page 10)

- "though the N supplied them with what they needed" - seems to repeat an earlier line.

- "through waves at the ocean" - awkward wording, kind of disjointed, compared to something like 'through ocean waves' or 'through waves at the beach'.

- "and relief" - I'd suggest not using the word 'relief' until they get there. It releases the tension too early. I thought he had emerged when this word occurred, but he hasn't. Keep us gasping, IMO.

- "It was only then when he recognized" - redundant.

- "against the other end of the wall" - other side of the wall, IMO. They're not going to emerge at the end of the wall.

(page 13)

- good tension over the last pages, and them encountering the El and being blocked, and them eating the wall, was all good 'things getting worse'.

- "invading fingers" - this threw me, because it's just a voice, how does a voice have fingers? I feel there's a better description.

- "He was resisted them as the voice weakened" - typo. Not sure math's intended.

- I don't see how drum beats can rhyme. Rhyming is very specifically about the sound of words.

(page 14)

- I like the description of them running through the crystal.

- "like a three-legged stool set on its side and pushed" - Too much, unnecessary, IMO. We know S has been 'shot out of a gun', we know they're tumbling.

- "It was the first time he’d really had a chance to look up" - Meh. I don't believe this.

- "instead of grass" - it say glass previously. Inconsistent.

(page 15)

- "S’s eyebrows raised" - apart from the fact that 'raised' always grates with me, and I think should be 'rose', I have problems with characters noticing this in their own POV. Imagine if it was first person. 'My eyebrows rose...' It's just not a thought we would express, is it? Feels weird to me.

- The narrative around the portal feels rambling and disjointed to me.

- "then turn in a circle" - turned, presumably.

(page 17)

- I'm getting fatigued by this chapter. It was plenty of good stuff in it, tension, background, personal interaction, but near the end here, it's going all scientific and theoretical when it should be carrying me to the end and some sort of satisfying conclusion. It could have ended with the El trapping them inside the wall. That would be a good, incredibly tense, chapter conclusion. I think the pacing is problematic beyond that.

- "an extended metaphysical discussion" - exactly my problem at this point.

- "There was a feeling as if things were moving" - this feels like retconning. I don't remember this.

(page 18)

- "this little metaphysical discussion" - repetitive.

- "not be sustained long enough to reach any other destination" - What's the point of this discussion? Why did they stop considering portals, that seems the clear answer and I was expecting S to create a portal to Dal.

- "but I want to get E and I first" - What?! So this was a second abortive trip to the wall, and now they're going back to the city AGAIN?!

Overall 

This chapter has plenty of satisfying things in it, and a couple of very good scenes, but it's very baggy, IMO, and the we end up back where we started, for the second time. By the end, I'm frustrated that there is no word motion after all of that running around. Try-fail is all very well, but usually there is some forward motion. I feel like we're just stuck, and our M/C is now going to wait around while the world ends, for his friends to finish some sort of self-discovery, WHILE THE WORLD ENDS. It's like I'm reading two stories, one with POVs trying to do something about the problem (Man, Or, Ri - also Re), and one where where the POVs are focused on their own personal issues and relationships. The grown-up POVs are much more compelling to me, and I've ended up becoming frustrated with S again.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @Robinski! The comments are very helpful as always.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

- This stuff is interesting, but it all feels too relaxed. It feels rather like they're having an intellectual conversation when the Ef is hurt. I'm not sensing much urgency, or concern for their health.

Ah yes. I need to tighten this up to give it more tension.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "the handsome A" - Mmm. This clashed for me when I read it first, but I let it go, however... S has only known of the existence of aliens for how many weeks? And for Ar for how many days? And with all his his terror of the world, now he's find them romantically attractive? I struggle with this. Not least because I don't know anything about how this creature looks, 'anatomically'. I and E and basically 'human' to all intents and purposes, are they not? I.e. Meth in appearance?

This is perhaps my fault in not describing the Ari again in this book. In the last book, they were described as sort of "cat-dragons," so it terms of attraction, I'm thinking more of a "noble profile" sort of attraction. Sam thinks the species as a whole is generally more pleasing to the eye (vs. Re's species, which is generally considered ugly as a whole by other species), and this particular specimen is a very good example. Thanks for the catch. I'll work to make this clearer.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "There were some aspects of Ar anatomy" - this is a comment from a previous chapter, but I forget the answer. Surely, there have been non-Ar Efs and they must have worn the diadem, have they not?

Good catch! At the risk of being presumptuous, I'm going to give you a RAFO ;-)

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

But he has noticed these physical differences before, has he not?

Yep. This is a thread I dropped. I need to make note of it in the previous chapters.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

it's going all scientific and theoretical when it should be carrying me to the end and some sort of satisfying conclusion. It could have ended with the El trapping them inside the wall. That would be a good, incredibly tense, chapter conclusion. I think the pacing is problematic beyond that.

Good thought. I think I may need to rearrange chapters even more to get out of this situation. If I can reduce everything to one trip through the wall that would have the most impact. You're probably going to be annoyed by the next chapter too, but getting to the resolution will be the point where I should have gotten a few chapters ago. Apologies in advance!

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

Why did they stop considering portals, that seems the clear answer and I was expecting S to create a portal to Dal.

Yes. Need to bump up this plot thread too. Basically S did it one-way in an act of extreme stress, but isn't able to repeat the action because of the effort required. There will be more explanation in the second half.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

I feel like we're just stuck, and our M/C is now going to wait around while the world ends, for his friends to finish some sort of self-discovery, WHILE THE WORLD ENDS. It's like I'm reading two stories, one with POVs trying to do something about the problem (Man, Or, Ri - also Re), and one where where the POVs are focused on their own personal issues and relationships. The grown-up POVs are much more compelling to me, and I've ended up becoming frustrated with S again.

Well, in one sense that's good. @kais generally likes the apprentice chapters better, so hopefully I've got engagement from different audiences. On the other hand, the feedback on the S/E/I has helped me realize how fragmented they are. I'm going to do some heavy rearranging to make things a lot more streamlined.

That said, I think (hope) the second half of the book is a lot more concise. Stay with me one more chapter and I think things will clear up.

Very helpful as always!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'm thinking more of a "noble profile" sort of attraction.

Ok, yes a new (reprised) description would help.

16 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Good catch! At the risk of being presumptuous, I'm going to give you a RAFO ;-)

LOL, I'll add it to my growing collection :) 

16 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Apologies in advance!

Ah, this takes me back to all my travelling apologies (not to be confused with the Travelling Wilburys).

16 hours ago, Mandamon said:

the feedback on the S/E/I has helped me realize how fragmented they are. I'm going to do some heavy rearranging to make things a lot more streamlined

This will help a good deal, I expect. There are may good things happening in this facet, it's the lack of direction / indecisiveness / constantly trying-and-failing that I found frustrating.

16 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Stay with me one more chapter and I think things will clear up.

Well, as I hope you know, I will b*tch from dawn till dusk, but I will always still with it ;) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Robinski said:

This will help a good deal, I expect. There are may good things happening in this facet, it's the lack of direction / indecisiveness / constantly trying-and-failing that I found frustrating.

Yep. I see this a lot more now I'm reading through this again with this group's feedback. Almost as if a critique group helps the quality of the work! Imagine that...

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

Well, as I hope you know, I will b*tch from dawn till dusk, but I will always still with it ;) 

Thanks! I think the back half of this book is a lot more concrete (I hope). The first half was partly me finding my legs when writing two books back to back.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/27/2020 at 7:12 AM, Mandamon said:

After reading this over, I think a lot of the things in this chapter can be pulled back and compressed with the first two chapters to make a more powerful beginning. Let me know what you think!

Yes, yes, yes. This all needs to be part of the first two chapters. Reading it with so much between those chapters and this was jarring, but if it were all together in the begining, it would draw me into the book quickly. 

Another benefit would be that I, the reader, would no something about El that some of the other characters won't know (where they are amassing and that they are eating Nether crystal). 

The emotion in the first scene of this chapter was fantastic. The scene in the crystal with WW was super tense. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Yes, yes, yes. This all needs to be part of the first two chapters. Reading it with so much between those chapters and this was jarring, but if it were all together in the begining, it would draw me into the book quickly. 

Cool. That is the plan! In fact, I think the first four chapters with S/E/I POVs will be condensed.

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Another benefit would be that I, the reader, would no something about El that some of the other characters won't know (where they are amassing and that they are eating Nether crystal). 

Good thought...

 

10 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The emotion in the first scene of this chapter was fantastic. The scene in the crystal with WW was super tense. 

Great. Thanks!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.