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“Golden” — chapter 1, scene 1 of my Rumplestiltskin WIP


Silverbard

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thank you for all the feedback!  
 

I didn’t know how to take the post down, so I just thought I’d post this message in its stead.

 

God bless, all, and happy writing! I’m sure I will post more later for critique, but for this particular moment on this particular day I’m gonna try and bash all of my excuses aside and go write. ;)

Edited by Silverbard
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I found this really engaging to read, your descriptions are very evocative. The opening didn't immediately grab me because I think it wasn't what I was expecting after reading your explanation. Ultimately I think it works though, I just didn't know how the spider was going to relate to the rest of the scene, but the way you tied it back in was really well done and I don't think you should change that aspect of it. Having the character's physical description told through the eyes of a spider was one of the most interesting ways of doing that I've ever seen in first person. I grinned when I realised what you were doing and how clever it was. I think the overall structure of the scene is really well done.

It's hard to say whether Willow's personality is very distinct just from this snippet. She has the typical 12-year-old-girl-bored-in-her-lessons thing going, but I think the emphasis she is putting on the beauty of the spiderweb is a good hint that she has more depth. I wasn't bored by her personality, but nothing strongly defining has jumped out yet. I don't think this is a bad thing, you'll plenty of time to flesh her out in other scenes dealing with different situations. I think she is working so far as a middle-grade protagonist, though it has been a long time since I've read middle-grade. She's relatable but her dad is a wizard. That's a fun mix.

The only other comment I have is that there are a few parts where you seem to switch between past and present tense. That can easily be fixed though and it's the sort of thing that slips in accidentally. Other than that, I'm really impressed by this.

 

P.S. I've also been writing a story where the protagonist is called Willow and have been thinking about posting pieces of it here. 

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Hi, welcome to the Shard! Unfortunately, this section of the forums doesn’t get as much traffic as other parts, but we also have a writing group if you’re interested. (I’m not a part of it, I just thought I should mention it).

Also, I just want to say that I’m not very experienced with giving critiques, so I apologise if I say anything out of turn or come across as rude. That’s not my intention at all.

Anyways, onto my comments.

First of all, I know that comments weren’t specifically asked for in regards to writing, but I’m in love with some of your descriptions, this one especially:

5 hours ago, Silverbard said:

My breath catches as the light of the sun hits her silver net just right, and the whole web flares in luminescent gold.  Shimmers of translucent light drip from each strand as if dipped in the blood of the sun

I also really loved the way you incorporated Willow’s physical description into the writing and overall story. 

As for the opening, I think it moves at the right pace and it definitely held my attention. The only part that I felt was too slow was when Willow began weaving the imaginary lace. I involuntarily started skimming at around the following point:

5 hours ago, Silverbard said:

The pins are stuck into one of Mama’s lace-working pillows.

Personally, I think it would work better if this section was shortened a bit. 

As for Willow’s personality, my thoughts seem to echo Kureshi Ironclaw’s, who has written them out better than I could, so I won’t repeat them. 

1 hour ago, Kureshi Ironclaw said:

I wasn't bored by her personality, but nothing strongly defining has jumped out yet. 

This quote basically sums up how I feel about her.

Her narration is good, and I think it sounds like a 12 year old girl, but I don’t read much middle-grade, so I may not be the best judge of that. Nonetheless, her narration is entertaining and conveys her thoughts and feelings really well.

I had some other comments about the writing, but I didn’t know whether to add them seeing as they weren’t specifically asked for and I don’t know how far along this piece is draft-wise. But overall, it’s really solid and I’d love to read more. 

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5 hours ago, The Awakened Salad said:

.

I had some other comments about the writing, but I didn’t know whether to add them seeing as they weren’t specifically asked for and I don’t know how far along this piece is draft-wise. But overall, it’s really solid and I’d love to read more. 

Please feel free!  I’m open to all critique.  The things listed were only the things I specifically felt I NEEDED to know the about the scene, but I welcome all thoughts on the piece. 

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5 hours ago, The Awakened Salad said:

Hi, welcome to the Shard! Unfortunately, this section of the forums doesn’t get as much traffic as other parts, but we also have a writing group if you’re interested. (I’m not a part of it, I just thought I should mention it).

 

Also, where can I find this writing group? :)

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12 hours ago, Silverbard said:

But… what if I look and the lace is actually /there/?

maybe have the italics on the is?

 

This was really good!

I don't think that a 12 yr old would use "seductive" to describe something like a moon, though. 

I like how the magic system is implied and the situation doesn't feel too forced.

 

1 hour ago, Silverbard said:

Also, where can I find this writing group? :)

Message @Silk and they can get you set.

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30 minutes ago, GoWibble said:

maybe have the italics on the is?

 

This was really good!

I don't think that a 12 yr old would use "seductive" to describe something like a moon, though. 

I like how the magic system is implied and the situation doesn't feel too forced.

 

Message @Silk and they can get you set.

Thank you! 

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@Silverbard,

I rather enjoyed it! As for your 3 big questions,

1) I think the beginning is fine. There will be some that may disagree but mostly that will be due to reading preferences. You can't please everybody...

2)As was said before, I think Willow's personality remains to be seen and that's ok. This is only 1 small scene. Keep fleshing it out and it will develope distinctly. Someone recently told me that getting a character's personality can be difficult but I think you have it well in hand...

3) As a father of 10 children, yeah, I'd say she sounds "12 yr. old" enough to me...

 

Good luck with it and I can't wait to read more!

Edited by 1st of Lunch
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17 hours ago, Silverbard said:

The spider dances poetry in the doorway, graceful and seductive as a dark moon.

So I wasn’t really sure what this line meant. I think I get the idea that it’s supposed to convey the dark elegance of the spider, but I was thrown off when I read it. I’m not sure what is meant by “dances poetry”, and I couldn’t come up with a mental image to go with it. The phrase “dark moon” also confused me a bit, because the moon can’t really be dark (Well, I guess it can and we just can’t see it). 

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3 hours ago, 1st of Lunch said:

@Silverbard,

I rather enjoyed it! As for your 3 big questions,

1) I think the beginning is fine. There will be some that may disagree but mostly that will be due to reading preferences. You can't please everybody...

2)As was said before, I think Willow's personality remains to be seen and that's ok. This is only 1 small scene. Keep fleshing it out and it will develope distinctly. Someone recently told me that getting a character's personality can be difficult but I think you have it well in hand...

3) As a father of 10 children, yeah, I'd say she sounds "12 yr. old" enough to me...

 

Good luck with it and I can't wait to read more!

Wow! Awesome! Congrats on all the kiddos!  I’m the oldest of 6, which isn’t quite as big of a family, but I get it. ^_^  
 

Thank you for the feedback! It’s very much appreciated. :)
 

15 minutes ago, The Awakened Salad said:

So I wasn’t really sure what this line meant. I think I get the idea that it’s supposed to convey the dark elegance of the spider, but I was thrown off when I read it. I’m not sure what is meant by “dances poetry”, and I couldn’t come up with a mental image to go with it. The phrase “dark moon” also confused me a bit, because the moon can’t really be dark (Well, I guess it can and we just can’t see it). 

Ah... good to note. Thank you. I’ll take it into consideration and play with the wording and phrasing a bit. :) 

 

Edited by Silverbard
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