Sample of Story I Might Write

[Ricocheting Windrunner]

So this is just the introduction of a story I might write. I know its not a lot but any feedback would be helpful. About magic system, character defining, and the like.  Or even if it sounds intriguing and you would want to read more. Hopefully there will be more to come when I write and revise more material. 

Sarkor was a hypocrite. He came to kill these men because the had killed. The very acts his kind condemned they then committed. Of course he could plead he was just following orders. But even that made him more of a hypocrite. For Sarkor would never completely follow those orders through. 

Sarkor tracked his quarry moving just his eyes. The carriage trundled along the black deserted street oblivious to its hunter. Sarkor closed his eyes feeling the blood of gods thrum through his veins. The golden ichor mixed with his normal blood waiting to be absorbed and spent.   

He could wait no longer. There was a job to be done and penance dealt tonight. 

Sarkor leapt off the building with an ichor enhanced jump. He fell through the night and landed lightly on the carriage roof. Ichor made the body lighter and he balanced easily making no sound. 

Sarkor closed his eyes and breathed a silent apology to the Patriarchs inside. Then he Pumped. Ichor concentrated in his hands and then burst out through his pores to pool on the roof. It shone gold in the starlight and seemed so innocent.

Sarkor made his first sound. “Burn.” he breathed. The ichor proceeded to do just that, melting through the roof in seconds. Sarkor heard the startled cries of his nobleman quarry as his roof melted over his head. 

Sarkor stepped into the carriage, dropping from above like a wraith. He might as well have been for what his task was. The Patriarch gasped pressing himself against the wall behind him.  There was no escape. 

“Please,” he gasped eyes darting. “I’ve been faithful.” 

Sarkor shook his head in pity and a little disgust. “Your clothes are rumpled, your returning from the Grub slums and I know you were tricked from coin last week. You went and killed Grubbers because you couldn’t find the thieving crew. 

The Patriarch gasped fear choking him. Sweat ran freely down his forehead and trickled down the collar of his rumpled uniform jacket. 

Sarkor drew a long knife from against his arm. Enough talk, the man knew his crimes and the punishment if he got caught. Sarkor sprang forward and drew the knife across his throat in one smooth movement. The Patriarch tried to dodge but was painfully slow against ichor enhanced muscles.  

The noble choked and crumbled on the seat dying quickly and painlessly. Or so Sarkor hoped. He stepped back lightly to keep his clothing free of blood. Then he knocked on the wall leading to the driver’s seat. 

The carriage stopped as the driver hopped down and went to open the door to answer the Patriarchs demands. The carriage bore no sign of the Patriarchs house so that meant he had hired the carriage. No need to kill the driver for association. 

The driver opened the door and gasped when he saw the noble dead in his own blood and the silent figure standing over him. Every man heard rumors of the emperors men. The carriage driver put his hand on his throat shakily. 

“Drive the carriage to his manor and leave the body in the courtyard. Then scrap this carriage and by a new one. No man will kill you for tonight.” Sarkor was a fair man unlike others of his kind. He dropped a bag of gold to pay and leaped. 

He shot out of the carriage and kicked off the roof in another large jump. He landed on the side of the building and pumped ichor out his body and onto the stone wall. 

“Fuse,” he said and the ichor sealed holding him by one hand against the wall. He crouched there one hand on the wall, other hand still holding the knife with the man’s blood as the carriage rolled away. Now for the second part of his crime. He was supposed to go to the Patriarch's manor and murder his family. He disagreed this was necessary as they had broken no law. However no house could stand on its own without its lord. But in the thieves world people would hide the nobility for enough coin. 

Sarkor sighed, letting his head hang, orders and practicalities warring with honor and justice in his head. At last he released the ichor bond and pushed off into the night, pumping ichor into his legs.  

He had one more job to do. 

 

Edited January 23, 2020 by Ricocheting Windrunner

[+ILuvHats]

It does sound interesting. However, I was pulled out of the story by your syntax and grammar. It's understandable if this is your first draft, but it definitely needs to be streamlined. There were a few sentences that I had to reread to figure out what you meant.

You do a pretty good job of building the world for such a short excerpt. There were a number of tidbits spread throughout, making me want to hear more about it. Plus, you jumped straight into the action, which is always an excellent choice for hooking the reader. The character building was also decent, though the first paragraph threw me off. I get what you were going for, but it was very confusing. Part of the confusion is because the paragraph is so short, and we're following a complicated thought process. For example, when you switched from the hypocrisy of killing to the hypocrisy of not following orders, the transition was so abrupt that it had me scratching my head. I had to go through the paragraph a few times to understand it, and even then, it just felt off. Fixing up the sentence structures as well as adding a few sentences there to expand on some of his thoughts will probably make it easier to follow.

Hmmm, what else. It's hard to provide a lot of feedback with so little information. I will say that so far, Sarkor doesn't seem the most original. After all, the reluctant, magical assassin is a pretty common trope in fantasy. However, he could easily be a great character with a lot of nuance. Again, it's hard to tell these things with such a short excerpt. Anyways, I am definitely looking forward to reading more. 

[The Awakened Salad]

I agree with @ILuvHats’s comments on the writing. I felt that it could use a bit of polish and overall, it didn’t draw me into the story’s world as much as it could’ve. Varying the sentence lengths might help, as I noticed they seem to all be of similar size. This’ll help keep the reader engaged, and maybe create more of a punchy, fast-paced feel, which always helps for action scenes. 

Edit: Just a suggestion, but maybe you could add more of Sarkor’s emotions and thoughts into the story? Is he calm, or nervous? What’s his attitude towards this particular job? I know it’s only a small excerpt, but I don’t feel that I know anything about his character at all. I think that adding some of his reactions or observations would serve to strengthen the story and pull readers further in by providing something emotional to latch onto. It could also make this scene more tense, if that’s what you’re going for. 

But definitely keep writing! Especially if this is still a first draft. Right now it’s about getting ideas down and words on the page. 

Edited January 23, 2020 by The Awakened Salad
Added some further thoughts

[GoWibble]

That was great.

both ILuvHats and The Awakened Salad are right, though. The grammar needs work. 

 

On the magic system: nice. I want to keep reading to figure out what the other uses for Ichor are, or if there are none, then the applications. 

The plot moves fairly quickly, but after reading over many books, the best way to fill pages and still keep the plot moving is to show more of the Character's thoughts and emotions. I would suggest italicizing the thoughts to make it more clear. 

 

Overall: I want to read more! If you set a system for writing, then the plot can move fairly quickly through the book. Good job!

[Feruchemical Skybreaker]

I like the overall idea.

I'm assuming that as the story continues you will explain the magic system in more depth.

Is there different types/colors of ichor that do different thing or have different powers?