Robinski - 200120 - TCC Chapter 18 (24) rewritten - 3280 words (L)

[Robinski]

Deal all,

 

Another pretty substantial re-write. I hope this has injected more tension and significance into the events here, in a 'things getting worse' kind of way.

 

I must say I struggled with this some, and feel that while it might be better in some aspects, perhaps still is not where I want it to be.

 

Your comments are greatly appreciated.

 

Best, Robinski

[Sarah B]

So much better! This version feels much more stream lined and to the point. 

I didn't catch anything to fix on my read through.

Thanks for sharing!

[Mandamon]

I feel like this is better streamlined, and gets to the point better. It also makes a much better "boom" moment at the end with the coup rather than just fixing an election.
That said, I don't feel like this chapter does a lot. Moving the revelation of mystery caller to the previous chapter takes some of the tension out (though I like that you did it) and doesn't replace it with anything. So there's a little revelation about the way the colonies are organized, a couple good character moments, and then the revelation at the end. It's better, but it feel it could be tied tighter still.

pg 3: "The capo’s devotion was measured in millions. Where was his? Lying in the dust of an empty Seattle apartment."
--where was his what? Unclear sentence.

pg 5: tense error? "man may not like him" -> "man may not have liked him"

pg 6: "clapped him on the shoulder and moved away towards his room, leaving Q perplexed."
--Not sure why he's perplexed?

pg 7: "perhaps the more likely scenario is TOM is hanging DM out to dry"
--I'm still not sure I get this leap in logic, but it could be clarified by some prework earlier in the narrative.

pg 8: "wondering about your informant" "Because, they’d use a false name"
--she's still talking about Q's son, right? This might be an artifact from the changes.

pg 9: “Caller… J,"
--is this supposed to be N?

pg 11: Nice hook at the end.

[Robinski]

On 21/01/2020 at 5:02 PM, Sarah B said:

So much better! This version feels much more stream lined and to the point. 

I didn't catch anything to fix on my read through.

Thanks for sharing!

Well, awesome!! Thanks for reading again, Sarah  

[Robinski]

Thanks so much for re-reading, Mandamon.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

That said, I don't feel like this chapter does a lot. Moving the revelation of mystery caller to the previous chapter takes some of the tension out (though I like that you did it) and doesn't replace it with anything. So there's a little revelation about the way the colonies are organized, a couple good character moments, and then the revelation at the end. It's better, but it feel it could be tied tighter still.

Good point. I'll need to think about that. I think I'll leave as is for this draft and come back to it when the dust has settled.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The capo’s devotion was measured in millions. Where was his? Lying in the dust of an empty Seattle apartment."
--where was his what? Unclear sentence.

Meaning Q's devotion to his son, but I have clarified that. Thanks for flagging.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: tense error? "man may not like him" -> "man may not have liked him"

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "clapped him on the shoulder and moved away towards his room, leaving Q perplexed."
--Not sure why he's perplexed?

I was afraid of this. There was a comment about dubiety over the tone of Kr and Q's 'relationship', and the Kr had taken to Q too quickly after previously being angry enough to pursue him to YK. I was trying to put markers in this chapter between Kr being mad at Q and then ending up liking and helping him, but I fear the emotional tone/transition is not clear in earlier chapters.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "perhaps the more likely scenario is TOM is hanging DM out to dry"
--I'm still not sure I get this leap in logic, but it could be clarified by some prework earlier in the narrative.

I was looking to link back to the prison scene where I had Q trying to convince DM that the OM would betray him, but I changed DM's viewpoint to one where he suspected that Tom would not let him go. Hence, this part here lines up less well with the earlier reference. I've actually cut the whole paragraph. I don't think is sits well there and, reading it back, I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve. I think the end of the chapter will be much cleaner without it.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "wondering about your informant" "Because, they’d use a false name"
--she's still talking about Q's son, right? This might be an artifact from the changes.

Yes. Now reworded. Thanks.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: “Caller… J,"
--is this supposed to be N?

I thought I'd replaced all the J's, but there were some remnants. Thanks.

On 21/01/2020 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: Nice hook at the end.

 

Everyone was sooo right about the major problem with this chapter. It felt so much better as I changed it. Thank you again. This will play much better through the remaining chapters  

Edited January 24, 2020 by Robinski

[lizbusby]

I had not read the previous version, but I liked this scene. Overall, this is a good rest scene, going through a reaction period between actions without being devoid of info. I enjoyed gettting some of the background on characters and relationships that I'm missing as a new reader. Q putting M to bed was cute, though maybe too cute for a teenager. 

The bar scene between Q and E read as two separate discussions: one on their (not) possible relationship and one on what to do. This seemed very stilted. I feel like in reality, these two parts would have been mixed together, not neatly demarcated. I also felt like there were a bit many stage directions, almost one per paragraph of dialogue. You can cut a few of these.

The news broadcast was an excellent way to convey info, but felt a bit off to me. It sounded like a news article, not a news report, if that makes sense. Not very spoken.

 

Notes while reading:

p 3 - "She looked at the label. “It’s got all the sugars.”" - Eh, this fell flat for me. I'd pick the rainbows line or the sugars line, but both is overkill.

p 4 - "Where was his?" - This line of reasoning seemed weird, as though a lack of money meant he didn't care about M. I would think that taking care of her from day to day means a ton more than just being able to give her lots of money. But I recall him thinking a similar thought in a previous chapter. In fact, I think the "where was his?" line was used exactly. I don't know that it's a strong enough line to sustain that kind of repetition.

"pushing more people out into the universe" - I'm not sure what led from Q looking at M to this line of thinking. Maybe it's new reader syndrome, but how does the crowded hotel relate to space colonization? The whole colony conversation feels really info-dumpy because I don't see their personal connection to it.

p 5 -  “What are you going to be on top of?” - Not a saying I'm familiar with. I can kind of get the jist, but it sticks out.

p 6 - Ah, now I'm getting some of the background. Perhaps I see how the crowded hotel is related to space colonies now.

p 7 - "goes walkabout" - Another distinctive phrase, not one I'd hear in my areas of English, but understandable.

p 9 - "There’s a closed habitat on Level Five, but… No, the only inhabitant is a failed experiment." - I assume this is actually the son.

This conversation is very touchy feely and direct for strangers, even strangers who have been through a crisis. Not sure I buy how open and casual they play it.

p 11 - "He reached for an earbud from the bar top bowl, Eve doing the same, disinfectant evaporating instantly." - I wasn't sure where the disinfectant came from. Rereading the sentence, I guess the earbuds are disinfected somehow, but more description would help. Also, what made him reach for the earbud? The music was turning off and everyone is going to sleep, so he wants to watch the news? It didn't follow for me.

Something reads a little off about the news reporter's words. Perhaps it's that he uses too many large words and long complex syntax. In the US at least, news broadcasts tend to use common language in an effort to be easy to understand.

p 12 - So I gather TOM is the president? Interesting.

[Silk]

This is much better! As @Sarah B said, this version feels much more to the point. I think switching the ending from “TOM’s fixing the election, what can we do about it” to “TOM just succeeded in staging a coup” is a much more effective way of highlighting the aspect of political intrigue in this chapter. It no longer feels like the chapter spending a lot of time and emphasis on something readers already know.

I think the one thing I wanted was a little more sense of the emotional stakes from Q. I know he’s trying to distract himself, but well, that usually doesn’t work as well as we want it to, does it. In particular, the scene between Q and M feels like a missed opportunity (although I don’t think it’s the only place this could happen). I definitely don’t think you want to lean too hard on it or you risk taking away from the scene between Q and M themselves, which is lovely, but I think a judiciously light touch here and a few other places throughout could be very effective.

As I go:

I like “Don’t you like him?” much better than the original line re: the stuffed animal. Nicely done!

Last line of page 5, there are some odd things happening with the italics.

Pg 6: “he sneered in no mood for this” should be a comma after “sneered.” Also, nitpicky but sneered strikes me as not quite the right verb here. Snapped, growled, etc., something that conveys a little more anger rather than condescension or contempt.

Really surprised Q didn’t pursue E’s “failed experiment” theory farther. If it were me I’d have all sorts of questions – even if they were distracting from the matter at hand.

Bottom of page 8, “pleasant or complementary” should be “complimentary” in this context, I think

“...so far above my paygrade a telescope couldn’t see...” nice.

Bottom-ish of page 9, “bar tender” written as two words where it should be a compound word.

Good end to the chapter.

On 1/21/2020 at 0:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: “Caller… J,"
--is this supposed to be N?

This made sense to me, as E speculating on who (within Gen) MC could be without knowing exactly who, even if she has a theory.

Speaking of her having a theory, if you're wanting to plant a few last breadcrumbs for readers who haven't cottoned on to the fact that MC/N is indeed the failed experiment, we could always get a reaction shot of E in the last chapter as MC is talking and  E starts to form her somewhat-horrifying theory. I don't know that  it's essential, but it could lay a bit more groundwork for the conversation that Q and E have in this chapter.

On 1/21/2020 at 0:39 PM, Mandamon said:

That said, I don't feel like this chapter does a lot. Moving the revelation of mystery caller to the previous chapter takes some of the tension out (though I like that you did it) and doesn't replace it with anything

I don't think this is wrong, but I honestly didn't notice it while reading. It  could be that  having read the previous version is making me more forgiving about this draft, but for me this chapter really was more about the  emotional stakes.

 

[kais]

Overall

 Generally I thought this was a lot more clear, and I finally have a handle on the plot, for what feels like the first time. Hoorah! 

The first redone interaction between Q and E was much better. I suggested one additional line that would make the second, much more awkward and off putting interaction, redundant and could be cut. Q is such an interesting character that when he has the consistency of character, his interactions with women, in particular, are more delightful than just about any other element in the books. I love this chapter still for his tenderness with M, but I love how you are developing his relationship with E, and I would pay cash money right now to kickstart (or just bribe) a new book where E joins the team.

Seriously. I will PayPal you immediately.

 

As I go

- pg 5: so why does he want a distraction? Or is he trying to distract M? I feel like I'm missing something

- pg 6: Is that male gaze .... <-- remains one of the best lines in the series, IMO

- pg 6: I know your hurting <--- typo for you're

- pg 7: That made her laugh <-- this is almost there. I think she needs one snappy comeback before they get back to business. Something like: Yes but in this narrative I'm a lesbian and you haven't figured out the true north for your compass yet. or something

- pg 8: I don't think the banter on pg 8 works quite as well. And I think if you add something like the line above earlier, you don't need this part, anyway. Q's passive aggressive response to E's very repeated and honest rejection is off putting and makes me like Q less.

- pg 9: One again, I'd like to plead for E being added to the team for the next book

- pg 9: ahhhh I think I understand the evil plot finally!!!

- oh NICE ending!

[Asmodemon]

Late to the party, so I don’t really have much more to add to what the others have already said. I didn’t read the first version of this chapter, but I quite liked this one for the human interactions between the good guys, especially Q&M – her line about her animals always watching the door was great, really showing that despite all her badass-ness she’s also still just a kid.

Caller: Really looking forward to finding out exactly who, or what, is in the closed habitat. I’m thinking it’s N., but in what condition…

Coup: Great way to end the chapter, raising the stakes of the overall threat, and also finally revealing what TOM is actually planning with the whole disaster in YK.

I do wonder if the president had reason to institute a state of emergency across the whole of North America for something that is still focused around YK, a town that by this time would be mostly evacuated anyway. And through that state of emergency have the power to postpone the upcoming election indefinitely.

[industrialistDragon]

Don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I really enjoyed E's character and would also appreciate at least a bonus short with her on the team with Q&M.  

The galaxy politics conversation in the beginning is still a bit hard for me to follow (and I'm a little confused as to why it's there at the moment), but the political speeches at the end have been considerably streamlined and are much clearer now.  I finally feel like I know what's going on from reading the text, and not just because I watch way too many political/government tv dramas. 

 

As I go: 

"your hurting" -- you're? Or I suppose it works the other way, in a solidarity sense. It confused me a bit though, since it looks like a typo, but both versions could still be correct. 

The public-use earbuds still make me go "eaugh!" but i'm glad they're still there all the same.  

 

 

[Robinski]

Many thanks for reading, Liz.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

I had not read the previous version, but I liked this scene. Overall, this is a good rest scene, going through a reaction period between actions without being devoid of info. I enjoyed gettting some of the background on characters and relationships that I'm missing as a new reader. Q putting M to bed was cute, though maybe too cute for a teenager.

That's good. I take your point about the cuteness. Silk commented similar in the first version, and I tweaked slightly. I guess I could dive into an analysis of M having lost her parents at an early age and subconsciously overreacting against / overcompensating for her own loud-mouth, abrasive public persona, but that might be me protesting too much. I'll consider how I might adjust it.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

The bar scene between Q and E read as two separate discussions: one on their (not) possible relationship and one on what to do. This seemed very stilted. I feel like in reality, these two parts would have been mixed together, not neatly demarcated. I also felt like there were a bit many stage directions, almost one per paragraph of dialogue. You can cut a few of these.

I've cut a couple or three tags / directions. Good call.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 3 - "She looked at the label. “It’s got all the sugars.”" - Eh, this fell flat for me. I'd pick the rainbows line or the sugars line, but both is overkill.

Agree. Rainbow is gone.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 4 - "Where was his?" - This line of reasoning seemed weird, as though a lack of money meant he didn't care about M. I would think that taking care of her from day to day means a ton more than just being able to give her lots of money. But I recall him thinking a similar thought in a previous chapter. In fact, I think the "where was his?" line was used exactly. I don't know that it's a strong enough line to sustain that kind of repetition.

Yes, that doesn't come across right. I think maybe the word 'measured' is causing the issue, so I've changed that, but also tweaked Q's response.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

"pushing more people out into the universe" - I'm not sure what led from Q looking at M to this line of thinking. Maybe it's new reader syndrome, but how does the crowded hotel relate to space colonization? The whole colony conversation feels really info-dumpy because I don't see their personal connection to it.

Noted. I've tried to soften the edges a bit.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 5 -  “What are you going to be on top of?” - Not a saying I'm familiar with. I can kind of get the jist, but it sticks out.

Ah, this was aimed at something else, but is now out of context after modifications elsewhere. I've cut it in preference for M being more determinedly teenager-y.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 6 - Ah, now I'm getting some of the background. Perhaps I see how the crowded hotel is related to space colonies now.

 

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 7 - "goes walkabout" - Another distinctive phrase, not one I'd hear in my areas of English, but understandable.

Ah, well, originally it's an Aboriginal Australian phrase relating to a rite of passage undergone by (male) adolescents. Name and theme of a powerful and interesting film by Nick Roeg (1971).

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 9 - "There’s a closed habitat on Level Five, but… No, the only inhabitant is a failed experiment." - I assume this is actually the son.

By this point, I think this is clear, without it actually being stated, so anyone who hasn't guess before now, will get this, but maybe by 95-99%, but maybe still have a chink of doubt. Hopefully though (and I appreciate you have come in more than half way through), it plays out in a satisfying way over the course of the chapters leading to here, and still will be a 'satisfying' reveal when it comes.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

This conversation is very touchy feely and direct for strangers, even strangers who have been through a crisis. Not sure I buy how open and casual they play it.

Okay. I'll note this and see how it plays out across the group.

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 11 - "He reached for an earbud from the bar top bowl, Eve doing the same, disinfectant evaporating instantly." - I wasn't sure where the disinfectant came from. Rereading the sentence, I guess the earbuds are disinfected somehow, but more description would help. Also, what made him reach for the earbud? The music was turning off and everyone is going to sleep, so he wants to watch the news? It didn't follow for me.

This is a callback to an earlier instance of such communal listening tech being used. Noted, but maybe it plays better for someone who read that earlier chapter. I will see!

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

Something reads a little off about the news reporter's words. Perhaps it's that he uses too many large words and long complex syntax. In the US at least, news broadcasts tend to use common language in an effort to be easy to understand.

Hmm, okay. I'll take another look. Maybe it's my long-term the wordy old BBC  

On 24/01/2020 at 6:10 PM, lizbusby said:

p 12 - So I gather TOM is the president? Interesting.

Ooh. That wasn't my intention. I was aiming too allude to the control that TOM has been exerting. I'll take a look at that ending.

Great comments, thank you so much  

[Robinski]

Thanks for reading, Silk. I always look forward to the Canadian Inquisition  

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

This is much better! As @Sarah B said, this version feels much more to the point. I think switching the ending from “TOM’s fixing the election, what can we do about it” to “TOM just succeeded in staging a coup” is a much more effective way of highlighting the aspect of political intrigue in this chapter. It no longer feels like the chapter spending a lot of time and emphasis on something readers already know.

Yay! As a top line, I'm very glad to hear this.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

I think the one thing I wanted was a little more sense of the emotional stakes from Q. I know he’s trying to distract himself, but well, that usually doesn’t work as well as we want it to, does it.

No, no it does not!! I've tweaked the slider up a smidge.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

I definitely don’t think you want to lean too hard on it or you risk taking away from the scene between Q and M themselves, which is lovely, but I think a judiciously light touch here and a few other places throughout could be very effective.

Yes, this is what I hope I've done.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

I like “Don’t you like him?” much better than the original line re: the stuffed animal. Nicely done!

Excellent  

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

Last line of page 5, there are some odd things happening with the italics.

Sorry about this. It seems to happen every week now. It's like the style tags don't move when I edit the text, or something. I think it's a Mac vs Word scenario. I'll try and weed these out before sending future files, but I think it only happens when the file is reopened.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

Pg 6: “he sneered in no mood for this” should be a comma after “sneered.” Also, nitpicky but sneered strikes me as not quite the right verb here. Snapped, growled, etc., something that conveys a little more anger rather than condescension or contempt.

You're right. I agree on all counts. Edited.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

Really surprised Q didn’t pursue E’s “failed experiment” theory farther. If it were me I’d have all sorts of questions – even if they were distracting from the matter at hand.

Okay. My thought was that he blanked it, because it was impossible, in his mind. Not least because of the access MC has evinced.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

Bottom of page 8, “pleasant or complementary” should be “complimentary” in this context, I think

Thanks. I always fall for that one; one of my (many) blindspots.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

Bottom-ish of page 9, “bar tender” written as two words where it should be a compound word.

Check.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

Good end to the chapter.

 

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

This made sense to me, as E speculating on who (within Gen) MC could be without knowing exactly who, even if she has a theory.

I'm glad to hear it, as I kept it.  

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

we could always get a reaction shot of E in the last chapter as MC is talking and  E starts to form her somewhat-horrifying theory.

Hmm... I'll think on this.

On 26/01/2020 at 5:54 AM, Silk said:

I don't think this is wrong, but I honestly didn't notice it while reading. It  could be that  having read the previous version is making me more forgiving about this draft, but for me this chapter really was more about the  emotional stakes.

Good. On balance, I'll stick with it at this stage, I think and see how it feels in the next full edit, some weeks from now.

Most excellent comments, thank you, Silk!! Much appreciated.

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks for comment, Kais. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

Generally I thought this was a lot more clear, and I finally have a handle on the plot, for what feels like the first time. Hoorah!

Yay!

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

The first redone interaction between Q and E was much better. I suggested one additional line that would make the second, much more awkward and off putting interaction, redundant and could be cut. Q is such an interesting character that when he has the consistency of character, his interactions with women, in particular, are more delightful than just about any other element in the books. I love this chapter still for his tenderness with M, but I love how you are developing his relationship with E, and I would pay cash money right now to kickstart (or just bribe) a new book where E joins the team.

 I'm pleased it's coming together, so much down to all the wonderful feedback and critique, of course. I'm indebted to you, and to everyone here.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

Seriously. I will PayPal you immediately.

 Well, there's at least one short in it, I'll guarantee* you that. And also the Berlin library excursion*.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 5: so why does he want a distraction? Or is he trying to distract M? I feel like I'm missing something

He's trying to distract himself from thinking about his son, and all the implications that arise from him being here in YK. I've made that a bit more blatant at the first use of the word 'distraction'. I need everyone to get it.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 6: Is that male gaze .... <-- remains one of the best lines in the series, IMO

 

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 6: I know your hurting <--- typo for you're

Oops. Ta.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 7: That made her laugh <-- this is almost there. I think she needs one snappy comeback before they get back to business. Something like: Yes but in this narrative I'm a lesbian and you haven't figured out the true north for your compass yet. or something

Yes, yes. Ok <goes away>.

<comes back again> Ok, done. I like it. Hopefully the world will too!

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 8: I don't think the banter on pg 8 works quite as well. And I think if you add something like the line above earlier, you don't need this part, anyway. Q's passive aggressive response to E's very repeated and honest rejection is off putting and makes me like Q less.

Yup. The bit after she pitches for the job. Now cut.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 9: One again, I'd like to plead for E being added to the team for the next book.

Hmm... the next book. I have a lot of notes for it. I'll say no more about this now. Your pleading his been entered into the record  

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- pg 9: ahhhh I think I understand the evil plot finally!!!

Heh. Yay . I think past edits and future refinement will clarify the whole thing. It's been taking better shape as we go, but re-writing these two chapter has helped a lot.

On 26/01/2020 at 4:47 PM, kais said:

- oh NICE ending!

 

Great comments. Thank you so much!

 

(*...assuming the right people survive this book, of course)  

[Robinski]

Hey Asmodemon, great to hear from you. Glad that you are still lurking around here  

On 26/01/2020 at 5:37 PM, Asmodemon said:

Late to the party, so I don’t really have much more to add to what the others have already said. I didn’t read the first version of this chapter, but I quite liked this one for the human interactions between the good guys, especially Q&M – her line about her animals always watching the door was great, really showing that despite all her badass-ness she’s also still just a kid.

 super!

On 26/01/2020 at 5:37 PM, Asmodemon said:

Caller: Really looking forward to finding out exactly who, or what, is in the closed habitat. I’m thinking it’s N., but in what condition…

No (further) comment  

On 26/01/2020 at 5:37 PM, Asmodemon said:

Coup: Great way to end the chapter, raising the stakes of the overall threat, and also finally revealing what TOM is actually planning with the whole disaster in YK.

I'm glad this worked for you, because it was completely absent from the first version!!!

On 26/01/2020 at 5:37 PM, Asmodemon said:

I do wonder if the president had reason to institute a state of emergency across the whole of North America for something that is still focused around YK, a town that by this time would be mostly evacuated anyway. And through that state of emergency have the power to postpone the upcoming election indefinitely.

And well might you ask that! I'm not going to do all the (future) constitutional homework. I'm happy for people to be wondering if he can do that. (He can't do that, can he?!)

Many thanks for reading. Comments much appreciated!!  

[Robinski]

Hey, ID. Thank you so much for reading. I always appreciate you comments (I hope!).

On 26/01/2020 at 7:44 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I really enjoyed E's character and would also appreciate at least a bonus short with her on the team with Q&M.  

Another vote. Yes, see above. Could be doable.

On 26/01/2020 at 7:44 PM, industrialistDragon said:

The galaxy politics conversation in the beginning is still a bit hard for me to follow (and I'm a little confused as to why it's there at the moment), but the political speeches at the end have been considerably streamlined and are much clearer now.  I finally feel like I know what's going on from reading the text, and not just because I watch way too many political/government tv dramas. 

 Okay, good. Things getting clearer sound like progress to me. I hear what you say about the opening discussion. I agree, it's still a bit clunky. I keep poking a prodding it. I'll leave it for the next full edit, but suspect strongly it will change again.

On 26/01/2020 at 7:44 PM, industrialistDragon said:

"your hurting" -- you're? Or I suppose it works the other way, in a solidarity sense. It confused me a bit though, since it looks like a typo, but both versions could still be correct. 

You were right the first time. Shear carelessness on my part  

On 26/01/2020 at 7:44 PM, industrialistDragon said:

The public-use earbuds still make me go "eaugh!" but i'm glad they're still there all the same.  

All reaction is good? Dunno, but I'll always take 'glad'  

Thanks so much for reading, ID. Comments much appreciated.

[Silk]

On 2/7/2020 at 5:04 AM, Robinski said:

I always look forward to the Canadian Inquisition  

LOL. Well that's going in my signature.

 

[shatteredsmooth]

20 hours ago, Silk said:

On 2/7/2020 at 8:04 AM, Robinski said:

I always look forward to the Canadian Inquisition  

LOL. Well that's going in my signature.

Just minding my own business, very behind on submissions, scrolling to the end of the feed...saw this completely out of context and started  laughing. 

OK, so on to my crit now, which will probably be short.

It's been a while since I read the other version of this, but my general impression is that it has improved. It feels very tense. Heavier than I remember. I can follow the banter and interactions between Q and E much better now, and don't have the "am I missing something?" feeling anymore. 

The one place I felt a little lost was when they were going back and forth with the politics, but think that is WRS combined with skipping weeks and then playing catch up. And even with me losing engagement for half a second, the chapter still ended with a bang. 

There was one line early in the chapter, "And now his son was here, they would be reunited, all going well. What did he have to give?" Something about this wasn't quite clicking when I read it. 

Otherwise, I thought this was a great revision. I'm on to the next chapter. 

[Robinski]

Hey SSmooth, thanks so much for reading!

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

It's been a while since I read the other version of this, but my general impression is that it has improved. It feels very tense. Heavier than I remember. I can follow the banter and interactions between Q and E much better now, and don't have the "am I missing something?" feeling anymore.

That's excellent  

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The one place I felt a little lost was when they were going back and forth with the politics, but think that is WRS combined with skipping weeks and then playing catch up. And even with me losing engagement for half a second, the chapter still ended with a bang.

Good, I'll take that. Weekly reading and gaps, etc. are always going to induce effects that 'normal' reading would not. So, I think I can go with this, at this stage.

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

There was one line early in the chapter, "And now his son was here, they would be reunited, all going well. What did he have to give?" Something about this wasn't quite clicking when I read it.

I've tweaked the line. I agree it was not 'ringing' true. I think it's better now. Thanks!

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Otherwise, I thought this was a great revision. I'm on to the next chapter. 

Yay! Thank you again  

[Silk]

On 2/9/2020 at 6:47 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Just minding my own business, very behind on submissions, scrolling to the end of the feed...saw this completely out of context and started  laughing. 

My work here is done...

[Robinski]

(All my own work, any narrative consistency is purely coincidental.)

Edited February 11, 2020 by Robinski