Mandamon

20200113 - Fall of the Imperium Ch5 - 4903 words - Sub 5

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Chapter 5 of book 3, following Ri and Co again. Still looking for if you think this chapter and #4 should go before chapter 3 with Man's POV. Now I'm thinking I should keep it as is...

All comments are welcome. Still working on personalities with a larger cast of characters. Anything else you see as well!

Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more, but when they get there, E still has issues from her imprisonment that keep them from leaving. They instead work with the leader of the Ari group, until the Eff faints. Man comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of books 2). We switch to Ri and Co, who have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings.

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This is my favorite chapter so far. I'm starting to feel some tension and peril in the plot and it moved along well, especially the first half.

A couple general things that jumped out at me:

What does losing notes mean? So far in this book people have used notes and drawn them back, but I don't have a solid idea of what the loss of notes means for a person. 

The creatures: if they are actually eating their victims, they would have to have one heck of a digestive chemistry to be able to eat that kind of bio-diversity and not be poisened by it. Assuming life on your species' different worlds is as diverse as they are, that's an incredible range of potential elements and compounds to be able to handle. Even on our little world, every species has living things that they cannot eat, from apex predators and right down to bacteria.  

Maybe that's not an issue here, but it might be worth considering if you go into more detail on these creatures.

Dialogue: it's getting easier, but I am still getting lost in the large blocks of dialogue with multiple speakers. The different sentence structures helps but also occasionally gets frustrating to point where I am fighting the impulse to skim to the end and just see what they are actually going to do.

This might be a personal problem rather than a story problem. I don't read epic fantasy so I might just be missing the expected beats in the story. (I realize that admitting not to reading epic fantasy on Brandon Sanderson fan site is close to blasphemy. I am a fan of his classes and Writing Excusses)

Small details:

Near 60%: "weapons will not help significantly" You might cut 'significantly' as from the description that follows weapons fo nothing. 

Near 65% collect as many representatives and maji as possible who have stayed. One of your characters speaks like this, but I don't think it's this character. This sentence would be a bit clearer with, "as many ... who stayed as possible."

near 70% S H has been collecting people for many days before the attack started and they have been staying at her house already? This seems a little odd as a first time reader. Maybe it makes sense in world though. 

That's it for me. Sometimes I get hung up on grammer and then realize that this character turns phrases like that. It must be a beast to grammer check everyone! 

thanks for sharing

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This chapter had fantastic tension at the begining. I wasn't entirely certain that they were all going to make it out of the city, so when they did, it felt a little more earned than the victory in the M chapter. I did like seeing how the different people took different approaches to fighting these things, and now, maybe for the first time, I am hoping to see R's group and M's group meet up, though that will be a lot of characters all at once if they all come together and not just some from each group. 

I liked the idea of everyone working together in the symphony, though I did have a slightly difficult time picturing what they were doing. Right now, I'm literally picturing something that is a cross between a mostly invisible deflector shield and a piece of a soap bubble that is shiny and reflecting different colors of light.

After that, the chapter was a little less exciting, though maybe necessary. The last  R chapter had ended with talking and planning, and now, after a brief spurt of action, we are back to talking and planning. How much of this do readers 100% need to see / read? I have a limited tolerance for large groups of people just trying to figure out what to do next through dialogue... even though I probably have written plenty of those scenes myself. I don't mind it so much when it's just a small group where I'm more invested in the characters, but this didn't have much emotion in it or another layer that I noticed. I was starting to loose interested a little when it ended. 

The end of this chapter probably would have more punch if I had read Journey. I'm not sure what you changed about book 2, but there was a brief mention of that other species there, and if I recall, it felt kind of out of nowhere. I'm not sure how I would react if I had never heard of this species at all. 

I did like that in the chapter, O did mention S and the twins. That is making  me think that the next chapter will go back to one of them. I'm looking forward to that! 

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Oooh, I'm second. Except by the time I've doddered my clumsy way through there will probably be another four posts! Best crack on then.

(page 1)

- "the House of Pot" - I've never seen it referred to just as H/P before, that I can remember, so I had to conclude this was a typo.

- "massive fists clenched" - do fists clench, or is that the state that occurs when a hand clenches?

- "in the recovery room" - Confused here. I don't know what the R/R is. And, how can you have an invasion in one room. (I mean, I know you can, but it still sounds weird and unlikely).

- I'm confused by the blocking around here. I'm not sure if they are inside our outside the city, and then whether the old geezer is coming or going. HOWEVER, I have much enjoyed the opening of the chapter, there is real tension in them arriving and covering each other's backs as they come through the portal. It's like the Charlie's Angels poster, or the slow walk from Reservoir Dogs.

(page 2)

- I like the puffing and pausing, but it did strike me as being somewhat 'outside' the style of this trilogy. That's not meant as a criticism. What am I trying to say...? I feel like the narrative in your stories has a more neutral tone/style, less visible, which I think absolutely suits the very impressive complexity (in a really good way) of the world. I feel like this is the sort of sh1t that I would pull, probably trying to compensate for the sparsity of my world-building by comparison. Please don't take it out though, I like it.

- "estates" - I feel like, a person having numerous properties, still only has one estate, certainly in the legal sense. 

- "which meant his face was" - this struck me as odd, it sounded like a place for a 'but'.

- "first three she had seen" - missing word.

- "pull of the N’s ground" - I don't mind that there is no reference to gravity, but 'ground' sounded off to me. I wonder if it could be cut? Also, I wasn't completely clear on the blocking, are they in the air?

- "Emanated" - remnant.

(page 3)

- Reference to O's robe sounds like the first time er are seeing it, but it's not new, we had a reference in the last chapter, so this feels a bit clunky here, IMO.

- "trying to put a sense of urgency in her voice" - (1) I think this goes without saying. The whole situation feels tense and urgent, this feels redundant to me; (2) 'trying' here is redundant, because if she tries, she'll succeed: it's not a difficult thing to do. So, she just 'injects urgency into her voice', IMO.

- "closed their hands into dense woody fists" - This is the third time with the fists, I think. It's sounding repetitive, and a bit one note for Car.

(page 4)

- Confused. Is the cart moving? They can't be waiting (i.e. stationary) surely?

- The thing with the cart feel manufactured.  Why does R take the chance to look through the gate? She's just pulled O away, now she's going directly against her own motivation, rather hypocritically.

- Right maybe it's just not clear. Did Car see the cart, and that's why he wasn't moving? I did not get that. I think some tidying around here would me this clearer.

- "to act as a fluid instead of a solid" - Hang on, surely that is not strength, but an ability of the Hse of matter? How can he do this with strength? Seems inconsistent. "never seen" - Yeah, because it should not be able to do that!! Liquifying stone: I don't see how pure strength could do that. Surely it would need a tremendous amount of concentrated heat. Would that be potential? I guess strength could exert pressure, but enough to do this? I'm really sceptical.

- "bright purple at the wounds" - not convinced the bloody stumps of legs separated from he body are wounds. I would think the body itself has wounds where the legs were, but the legs are no longer part of the creature, in that sense, it seems to me.

(page 5)

- "Yet it still crawled toward them" - I think I've mentioned before that I've pretty much given up carping on about split infinitives, but here, I think it has a big effect on the drama of the sentence. Adopting a more grammatically 'correct' form, either "Yet still, it crawled toward them", or "Yet it crawled towards them still", I think, is more dramatic than the split infinitive form. It's the primacy / recency thing, I think.

- "tightened their fist" - again with the fist, although this instance is appropriate of course, but it's getting tired now as an image.

- "tinted purple" - This sentence is not as dramatic as it could be, IMO. I don't think we need to be told the rock in transparent, just that purple fluid squidges in some way, like out from the edge.

(page 6)

- "they passed into its shadow" - I've been picturing them outside the gate. I thought R looked through the gate to see the carriage, but the carriage was escaping from the city, wasn't it? Something seems off here, blocking-wise.

- Ach, no I've completely lost the track. I thought the carriage was someone escaping the city. I did not appreciate it was coming for them. I guess a conformation of this from the servant would have clarified the blocking for me a bit, although I would still need to know that they appeared within the city.

- "starting to split their paths" - diverging would replace these five words, I feel. Also, confused. Are Car and Or not both heading to the carriage?

- "One touch" - I thought they needed to engulf a target?

(page 7)

- "began swerving" - Could be more dramatic 'swerving wildly', for example. Also, don't have any real sense of how close the El were, which reduces tension.

- "see underneath them" - the ground is underneath them; surely she can see their underside.

- "against the wall of air" - Again, I've got no sense of how close the El are. This implies they are right on top of the maj, but I get no sense of that from the description, or really from the sense of urgency or horror, which I think is s bit lacking. I just don't get the sense the El are 'on top of them', but it seems to be implied by this line.

- "stomped back to the gate" - but now they are not right at them. I'm really quite confused.

(page 8)

- "a mere handbreadth away from them" - But if this is the case, where was Car stomping off to?

- "All six houses used together was a rare thing nowadays" - phrasing awkward, IMO, "The use of all six houses together was rare nowadays." Primacy / recency. It's the use that is important, I think, and the fact it is rare.

- "like an oil slick vertical in the air" - Air is repeated making the line awkward, IMO. 'like a vertical oil slick' is clear enough. I know you don't need this editorial last this point, I'm sorry. I'm resigned to being incapable of reading without doing this. 

(page 9)

- "learn to climb" - But they already know how to climb the walls. They were on the wall at the start of the scene, I thought.

- "normal weapons will not help significantly" - But, if the El eat magic, but can be cut, I wonder if simply, physical weapons might not actually be effective in harming them, because they are not made of the sym. Can the El eat simple, physical things as well? If someone sliced one of them with a big sword, would they not bleed?

- "climbed up the shaft of the spear" - Hah, okay: asked and answered, but they were cut by Man using the sym of a portal. I'm still trying to tie down the rules here with respect to harming the El.

(page 10)

- "It hadn’t sunk in what had really happened" - I feel like this is back to front, wrt achieving impact. 'Events had not sunk in', I think, is more narratively compelling.

- "as soon as they stopped running from the El" - But we know already that they don't stop coming, so this doesn't sound like the problem to me. They have to kill or banish them all before they will stop coming. This is a rather naive thought, IMO. I'm not feeling connected to R's train of thought here. She has seen all sorts, been all over the universe, but she's not engaged with this? I don't buy it. If she acknowledged her exhaustion and lack of clear thinking, I might be easier with this passage.

- "Where it was not made of glass" - Grammar, IMO. Where is was not made of glass it was made of something else is counterintuitive, I reckon. It was a house made of wood, apart from the bits that were made of brick.

(page 11)

- "playing card games" - What?!!!!!!!!!!!! Really?! I was thrown a bit by people tending their fields, but I can kind of get that, but loafing around playing cards? It's not like these are soliders at the front, these are the people who should be finding a solution to this emergency surely.

- "The estate is able to hold" - I think they mean the buildings can house that number, surely many more hundreds/thousands could be accommodated on the estate in tents, etc. And the timescale isn't relevant to the size of the estate, surely but the amount of supplies they have. But the term 'hold' is purely about the amount of space there is.

- "to run the I" - This sounds like day-to-day running. Would they not be done by assistants and subordinates, enacting the Eff's edicts and instructions? Would the Eff not be much more about doing much to direct the Imp?

- "instantiate" - I don't think this is the word: it seems to mean 'to represent'. I feel like they installed a stopgap, or even instigated and stopgap.

- "his boots making his robe swish" - Hang on, if he's wearing boots, there was no way he would have been able to reveal and ankle in the last chapter.

(page 12)

- "We left directly after the first few El" - Eh? Surely not. When they arrived, the Imp was already almost completely empty of people, ergo the El had been there for sometime, long enough fro either eradicate the population, or for the remaining population to evacuate. There is no way this statement can be true, as far as I can see.

- "Potentially thousands of each" - I get no sense of that many El in the city. They have only ever appeared two or maybe four at a time 'on screen'. Also, the population of the Imp is much more than that, is it not? Are there not tens and hundreds of thousands of people in this (once) bustling metropolis?

- "They spoke with us" - I do not remember this. Is this from Book 2? Must be, surely.

(page 13)

- "the divot in their arm" - To me, a divot is a grass thing, or gouge in some form of soft ground. I've never heard of a divot in a tree, or really in any hard surface. Gouge, to me, is a more visceral word, implying a (nasty) wound.

- "over two months ago" - Ah, this is probably just Bookly Reading Syndrome, but I thought they had come through the portal from the battle with the LC, or, were these wounds incurred in the Book 1 battle with the LC in the Council Chamber? That would tie-in better with the timeline, I think?

- "There are more estates further away from the city" - ???

- "M had left while they were talking..." - I don't think this is necessary. When dealing with a servant, I don't think you need to state that they have left, that would be the standard assumption. Even if still there, they would only speak when spoken to, surely, so I don't think the servant is important enough to be accounted for in the narrative. Harsh, but true, IMO.

- "member of the maj" - ranking member of the Council, surely?

- "travel time will become greater when we decide to go on the offense" - Would it? Not sure about this. If they are falling back because the El are expanding, then they will still have the same travel distance to 'the front' as it is pushing out. I accept there's a great distance to the Im, but they would have to take on the El at the front, surely.

- "It’s a possibility" - This is the second time they've discussed GL, isn't it? Or wait, was that Man's crew? The dynamic of these two groups is really quite similar, their situation, their approach. Distinguishing between them is not automatic. I think it's fairly difficult.

(page 14)

- "It’s where most of the M live" - is it though, if large numbers are evacuating? I know some are evacuating within the Im, however there were also indications of large number using the portals, and therefore leaving the Im, presumably, if GL is the closest place that can be portalled to?

- "why did those two come after us" - But they are intelligent, so it's not to do with eating, but with hunting and taking over the Im, isn't it? Surely Pan has missed the point here.

- "complexity of the object" - What object? I don't understand.

- "in order to the be determining what and why they are doing this" - (1) typo, I reckon; (2) grammar of the end part 'what' does not agree with 'doing this', grammatically. I know it's shorthand, but the question isn't clear. What he means, I'm sure, is 'what their goals are (goal is)', but this doesn't come across through the grammar of the sentence, IMO.

(page 15)

- There is a lot of discussion and consideration in this chapter, a lot of rumination and theorising. I think it can be cut down and/or rationalised a bit, BUT the discussion on this last page is much more relevant to the situation, much more forward-looking. Earlier debate is to a fair degree (I think) about what has happened (okay, the stuff about how to attack the El is not, but still...), but this talk about how to engage with the El is very interesting, to me anyway.

- "only one other city large enough to attract" - Huh? I always thought P was a smaller place, a bit of a backwater. Wasn't that the whole point of putting the SOTH there? The impression given here, I think, is that P is bigger than any city on the home worlds, that can't be right, surely?

- "not yet covered" - Sounds quite modern to me; 'considered'?

- "crest swept out of that" - at?

(page 16)

- Nice reveal at the end. I had not considered that at all. Surprising yet inevitable!! :) 

Overall 

There's a lot to enjoy in this chapter. Sounds point of confusion for me, but nothing that isn't just a matter of clarification, I think. I reckon it would be worth trying to drive down the length of the chapter. It feels like there's a bit of flapping around to begin with, and that the first have could be more direct (and shorter).

Thanks for sharing. Nice work. Still invested, and I'm feeling the tension is strong. I would like to see more El on screen though, to feel the threat is (even) greater. I don't feel there are anything like thousands of El in the Im, which was stated somewhere.

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Thanks @Sarah B, @shatteredsmooth, and @Robinski!

On 1/13/2020 at 11:43 AM, Sarah B said:

What does losing notes mean?

Ah, this is defined in the other books, but I can throw in a reminder.

On 1/13/2020 at 11:43 AM, Sarah B said:

I don't read epic fantasy so I might just be missing the expected beats in the story. (I realize that admitting not to reading epic fantasy on Brandon Sanderson fan site is close to blasphemy. I am a fan of his classes and Writing Excusses)

Lol--well, still good feedback. I know I can get long-winded in sections and this will help me trim things down.

17 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

maybe for the first time, I am hoping to see R's group and M's group meet up,

!!

17 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Right now, I'm literally picturing something that is a cross between a mostly invisible deflector shield and a piece of a soap bubble that is shiny and reflecting different colors of light.

That's about what I was visualizing, so I guess I got the thought across...

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

This is the third time with the fists, I think.

More of this than I remembered...I'll adjust.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hang on, surely that is not strength, but an ability of the Hse of matter? How can he do this with strength? Seems inconsistent.

I'm thinking this is more on the outskirts of what Strength can do. It's concerned with how things are reinforced and put together, providing stability, so I was rationalizing this as taking the "strength" and "stability" from stone to make it fluid. Sort of inspired by the D&D "stoneshape" spell and by the magmabenders from Avatar.

Also, I'll take another look at the blocking around this part to clean it up.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "One touch" - I thought they needed to engulf a target?

A bit of rare dramatic license from R.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

"learn to climb" - But they already know how to climb the walls. They were on the wall at the start of the scene, I thought

Can clarify. I more meant they would start exploring the areas outside the Imp.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

"climbed up the shaft of the spear" - Hah, okay: asked and answered, but they were cut by Man using the sym of a portal. I'm still trying to tie down the rules here with respect to harming the E

Yep, and so are the characters. I can hang a lantern on this more.

On 1/13/2020 at 11:43 AM, Sarah B said:

S H has been collecting people for many days before the attack started and they have been staying at her house already? This seems a little odd as a first time reader. Maybe it makes sense in world though. 

 

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The last  R chapter had ended with talking and planning, and now, after a brief spurt of action, we are back to talking and planning. How much of this do readers 100% need to see / read?

 

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

"playing card games" - What?!!!!!!!!!!!! Really?! I was thrown a bit by people tending their fields, but I can kind of get that, but loafing around playing cards? It's not like these are soliders at the front, these are the people who should be finding a solution to this emergency surely.

Sounds like I need to clear this part up a lot, both in time frame and details. My intent was that there are a whole bunch of displaced people around here, trying to make the best of things. After the immediate danger is gone, not everyone needs to be doing something all the time...

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

This is the second time they've discussed GL, isn't it?

Nope, Pan keeps bringing it up. Meant to be a (small) running joke. I'll play around with it.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

There is a lot of discussion and consideration in this chapter, a lot of rumination and theorising. I think it can be cut down and/or rationalised a bit,

Agree!

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

"only one other city large enough to attract" - Huh? I always thought P was a smaller place, a bit of a backwater. Wasn't that the whole point of putting the SOTH there? The impression given here, I think, is that P is bigger than any city on the home worlds, that can't be right, surely?

I'll clean this up. P is the second or third largest city in the N, after the Imp. But compared to the Imp, sort of a sprawling country city.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

the discussion on this last page is much more relevant to the situation, much more forward-looking. Earlier debate is to a fair degree (I think) about what has happened (okay, the stuff about how to attack the El is not, but still...), but this talk about how to engage with the El is very interesting, to me anyway.

 

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The end of this chapter probably would have more punch if I had read Journey. I'm not sure what you changed about book 2, but there was a brief mention of that other species there, and if I recall, it felt kind of out of nowhere. I'm not sure how I would react if I had never heard of this species at all. 

I'm trying to figure out how to juggle references to the Gv. They made contact shortly before things blew up, so they would definitely be in people's minds. I'm hoping the interlude in the second book will be enough to make people recognize them at least. Let me know what you think a few (7-8) chapters down the line...

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Well, I have hopped myself up on too much sugar to hopefully have enough energy to get through this, so here's hoping it's also coherent. 

Having seen them both, I think the "what's going on at home" chapters should be next to each other, then R's "this is going on at home but how do we kill it" should go before Man's "this is going on at home and I killed it dadgum dead" chapter. That way, the questions each chapter brings up get answered by the next chapter, more or less, and it feels like that would be forward progression in terms of what's going on in the chapters, and not doubling back. It also might imply Man has been trapped by the bubble, for what that's worth. I have no idea where each chapter fits in an overall timeline at this point, either. 

After they escape the city, though, I think I'm with @shatteredsmooth . This is all good information, but I'm not sure how much of it needs to really be on-screen, if that makes sense. I feel like the tension, which was really good up to that point, just flatlines with the discussion at the estate. Could some of the roundtable going on be summarized in another place in the story? 

The other thing, I think, is that a lot of the characters feel like still just names and floating heads to me, even this set that I've been with for longer in the other books. I'm thinking maybe I need a bit more description of their appearances or species maybe? Worked in to the opening chapters here and there? Some of it already is, for sure, but I think maybe a little more? Like, I'm trying to think, and I'm not sure I recall here yet any mention that Meth==human-in-appearance in this book, so Ri in particular is just a big blank, even though I feel like I know her best from the other books. 

And I have completely forgotten who the Gmv are, sorry. 

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1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

Having seen them both, I think the "what's going on at home" chapters should be next to each other, then R's "this is going on at home but how do we kill it" should go before Man's "this is going on at home and I killed it dadgum dead" chapter. That way, the questions each chapter brings up get answered by the next chapter,

Thanks for the feedback, @industrialistDragon! I'm going to have to think about which way to put these. In any case, those are great chapter summaries ;-)

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

I feel like the tension, which was really good up to that point, just flatlines with the discussion at the estate. 

The other thing, I think, is that a lot of the characters feel like still just names and floating heads to me,

Yep, I knew this part was going to be hard going into it. I think it picks up later, but I'm juggling getting the reader into the story with keeping tension and describing characters. I'll take another stab at it soon.

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Finally caught up on this story. I felt like the creative ways of using the Symph to hinder the creatures were good, but it kind of felt like they came out of nowhere. I mean, this Speaker has been gathering maji from all over and none of them could think of a way to use magic to stop these guys, then our heroes go and find 3-4 ways to do it within a few minutes? It makes it seem less amazing and not really very hard. Then again, on page 10, M says "few could do what you did," so maybe some did manage to fight back? I need clarification on the direness of the situation.

I also questioned why the Speaker sent an old and scared servant into the city to look for surviving maji. Shouldn't you send someone who has a chance of running away/defending themselves? This gave me the impression that the Speaker was cruel or unfeeling, which didn't seem to be a point you were trying to make. And the way he first spoke to them made me think he'd been sent specifically to look for them, rather than maji in general. This becomes clear later, at the end of the fight, but I was baffled as to how he knew they would be there.

I also felt like the emotional reactions in the battle scene were a bit muted. In chapters 1 & 2, everyone got super emotional about everything, and now R is barely slightly worried that her lover might get eaten because he's slow? I just don't get a sense of urgency or worry. More like they are spit-balling at a problem.

I felt like O's suggestion on page 15 that they are going after complexity seemed like a bit of an unjustified leap. Living beings could equal complexity, but it could also equal movement or many other things. It seemed to be jumping to conclusions for the sake of the plot. This whole debate needs to be either cut, or fleshed out so that the arguments feel like real people arguing. You could also give them something to do during the discussion, perhaps eating or playing a card game, so it's not a talking head scene.

The image of an "irrate apple masher" on page 6 made me laugh out loud. Not sure if that's the effect you were going for, but I found it hilarious.

Edited by lizbusby
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Thanks @lizbusby!

On 1/16/2020 at 5:20 PM, lizbusby said:

Then again, on page 10, M says "few could do what you did," so maybe some did manage to fight back? I need clarification on the direness of the situation.

Yes, others fought back, but Our Heroes of course manage to do things better. Good point, though. I do need to up the tension is this area.

On 1/16/2020 at 5:20 PM, lizbusby said:

I also questioned why the Speaker sent an old and scared servant into the city to look for surviving maji

Oh, interesting. I didn't even think about it this way. More that everyone was doing their part to help evacuate, even the assistant to the Speaker.

On 1/16/2020 at 5:20 PM, lizbusby said:

and now R is barely slightly worried that her lover might get eaten because he's slow?

Ha! Good catch. I tend to layer in more emotion in my later drafts, so I'll pay attention to this part.

On 1/16/2020 at 5:20 PM, lizbusby said:

I felt like O's suggestion on page 15 that they are going after complexity seemed like a bit of an unjustified leap

Noted. I'll try to prop up this argument more.

Thanks again!

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Under the wire is becoming my norm. I'm going to blame it on crunch time for my gallery exhibition.

Overall

A harder read, overall, than some earlier chapters, due to the sheer number of characters, the blocking, and that I'm more emotionally invested in the apprentices than anything else. Nothing felt particularly dire in this chapter, and I didn't get a real sense of tension from the battle/attack because there was so much changing between what character was doing what. This would likely be helped as well, if their were fewer POVs (I know, I know) so I could really sink into the ones that are here.

 

On 1/15/2020 at 3:42 AM, Robinski said:

I reckon it would be worth trying to drive down the length of the chapter. It feels like there's a bit of flapping around to begin with, and that the first have could be more direct (and shorter).

I agree with this.

On 1/15/2020 at 1:51 PM, industrialistDragon said:

is that a lot of the characters feel like still just names and floating heads to me

Yes, very much this.

 

As I go

- I like the little background we get in the kicker

- I'm having a hard time feeling tension with so many people. Because we get actions from all of them the narrative slows and the tension doesn't build well

- pg 7: R's emotions about Or always seem to come from absolutely nowhere. The touch of mush on this page just seems so out of character for her

- pg 9: I definitely read velocipedes as velociraptors 

- pg 13: I think I just have character fatigue. I can't sort who is who, and where they are in space. I'm far more invested in the apprentices and as I read this chapter, especially after the action ends, I find myself just wanting to be back with them, not with the 'adults' and their somewhat chill response to the Net being taken over 

- The ending doesn't have much of a punch

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