Robinski

Robinski - 200113 - TCC Chapter 17 (23) rewritten - 3371 words (LV)

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Soooo, slight change of plan.

With your indulgence, I have resubmitted Chapter 17 (23) quite significantly rewritten to address (I hope) what were some pretty substantial issues. I won't bother with the chapter recap, as I think everyone reading knows where we are at present.

Many thanks for any comments.

R

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Yes! Or should I say 'yus'?

So much better!

Finally a (maybe) payoff for all the reminders about Q's son. Even if it's a red herring, I feel rewarded as the reader for paying attention and have my suspicions validated. 

My only hang up, and it's minor, is why the officers drew on M after coming in and seeing him at the cells. He said he was there to give evidence and presumably they let him down there. Given his profession, it seems likely he could have kept his gun out of their sight pretty easily, so why did they start on the offensive? I would buy that they were watching on a security camera and saw him with a gun, some clarification from the officers would be nice though. 

Thanks for sharing!

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This is MUCH better. The tension is increased greatly by the gunfight, escaping, and then the reveal at the end. I feel like I'm starting to get some payoff from the story finally.

1 hour ago, Sarah B said:

why the officers drew on M after coming in and seeing him at the cells. He said he was there to give evidence and presumably they let him down there.

I'm with @Sarah B, though I didn't think about it while reading. How did DM get down there? Did he sneak past the guards on duty or did they let him down? In the latter case, the fight doesn't make as much sense.

 

Notes while reading:

Pg 2: I really like the vividness of M's description of DM, but I almost think it's...too much? I kept checking to see if it was E's POV. M has reason to hate DM, yes, but not so much on this personal level. DM's gone after E and Q, but I don't think he really knows M exists.

pg 3: "I’ll paste the little girl’s face "
--yeah, this strikes me as he knows M matters to Q, but he has no real stake in M whether she's alive or dead. She's just a tool to him.

pg 4: "don’t believe for a minute he’ll let me walk away"
--this is good. Gives us some more of what DM is thinking and what he'll do next.

pg 5: The standoff is much more tense. The gunfight is great!

pg 7: "“Have you seen the light"
--I was confused what he meant for a moment. The later sentences make it clear Q's asking about DM, but I think the switch from escaping to asking about Dm was too quick. The flashbang(?) was actually too quick for me. I want a couple more reactions in the smoke and more "what was that" before turning the talk to what DM was doing, and on top of that, asking about the robot.

pg 8: "Won’t K track this truck?” 
--but wouldn't he also have realized DM was the bad guy? This still seems like it's setting K up as helping DM.

pg 11: "We have a so-called helper inside G"
--This is a helpful reminder to pin down MC some more.

pg 12: Nice. We finally have a reveal. I think it really helps the tension, too, as it ups the stakes for Q.

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15 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Yes! Or should I say 'yus'?

So much better!

Finally a (maybe) payoff for all the reminders about Q's son. Even if it's a red herring, I feel rewarded as the reader for paying attention and have my suspicions validated.

Yay! And, phew. I'm glad I did the excellent crits from last time justice. It felt so much better in the rewriting, so y'all need to take a lot of credit for that.

15 hours ago, Sarah B said:

My only hang up, and it's minor, is why the officers drew on M after coming in and seeing him at the cells. He said he was there to give evidence and presumably they let him down there. Given his profession, it seems likely he could have kept his gun out of their sight pretty easily, so why did they start on the offensive? I would buy that they were watching on a security camera and saw him with a gun, some clarification from the officers would be nice though. 

Good point, I can see that bit is still rather weak. In terms of them being on the offensive, it's mean to be Kr who draws on DM, because he puts Q and M's accounts of what happened in his town together and sees DM standing there os the proof of it. That is not coming over well, accepted. When Ko draws, he's really just following Kr's lead, but there's no real justification for this. I will fix the dynamic of the sheriffs drawing on DM

Thanks so much for rereading and commenting again. Much appreciated :) 

Edited by Robinski
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14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

This is MUCH better. The tension is increased greatly by the gunfight, escaping, and then the reveal at the end. I feel like I'm starting to get some payoff from the story finally.

Excellent. 

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'm with @Sarah B, though I didn't think about it while reading. How did DM get down there? Did he sneak past the guards on duty or did they let him down? In the latter case, the fight doesn't make as much sense.

Yeah, I will dive into that again, after thinking about it for long moments in a quiet room. This is the third or fourth edit in which I have not managed to tie that moment down convincingly. Must try harder!!

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Pg 2: I really like the vividness of M's description of DM, but I almost think it's...too much? I kept checking to see if it was E's POV. M has reason to hate DM, yes, but not so much on this personal level. DM's gone after E and Q, but I don't think he really knows M exists.

I see your point here, but DM did shoot her (with a dart) in the Cr hospital.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

She's just a tool to him.

Definitely true.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "don’t believe for a minute he’ll let me walk away"
--this is good. Gives us some more of what DM is thinking and what he'll do next.

pg 5: The standoff is much more tense. The gunfight is great!

:D 

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "“Have you seen the light"
--I was confused what he meant for a moment. The later sentences make it clear Q's asking about DM, but I think the switch from escaping to asking about Dm was too quick. The flashbang(?) was actually too quick for me. I want a couple more reactions in the smoke and more "what was that" before turning the talk to what DM was doing, and on top of that, asking about the robot.

I've added a couple of lines here, I think it's clearer, good call.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "Won’t K track this truck?” 
--but wouldn't he also have realized DM was the bad guy? This still seems like it's setting K up as helping DM.

Okay, I'll need to think on this. I was trying to play up the fact that Kr has taken them out of Ko's jail without permission. I appreciate it's maybe it's a grey area, and the Kr would not necessarily be treated as having broken the law, as such.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "We have a so-called helper inside G"
--This is a helpful reminder to pin down MC some more.

pg 12: Nice. We finally have a reveal. I think it really helps the tension, too, as it ups the stakes for Q.

Excellent. Thanks so much for keeping me honest with this. Great comments, as ever :) 

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The tension in this chapter was through the roof! 

The scene in the jail cell was more tense and easier to follow. It had more emotional depth from M but still had plenty of her snark.

I loved the line about Q's words being a "stiletto" between DM's ribs.

"That's what she would pick for..." I adored how M was terrified, and naming each kind of gun that DM had. In this whole section, the emotion and the tension was ramped up. 

When DM pointing the gun at M was used as a tag mid evil villain speech, for a second I thought he might have been pointing it at E, but that was clarified almost immediately after. Still, I kind of wanted M's reaction the second the gun was pointed at her, not after he finished talking.

I stumbled a little on the transition from the cell to the bar, around wen M asked for the robot and E asked K where they stood. Overall, the tension felt missing from that scene, but I didn't feel much relief either.

When M was asking for her android, something was missing, much of the tension and emotion she was brining in the previous part of the chapter was gone, but I didn't exactly feel relief either. The emotion came back when she leaned on Q. For a stretch, that dialogue felt a little too matter of fact. Right now, that little stretch is quick, mostly tagless dialogue. Can you drop a few  lines to keep the tension / emotion going to carry it through?

And at first, I was also confused as to whether there had been some time jump, or if K was just saying screw the rules and sneaking them out in the chaos. Later, there was a line confirming the later, but throughout the chapter, I kept wondering what the stakes were for K now. How much trouble could he actually get in for this? 

Him taking a risk to catch DM felt in character for him throughout most of the book, with the exception being that chapter where Q & M had been rescued by helicopter. I'm not sure how much that chapter changed, but in that one, K had seemed hell bent on killing Q, and going from that to this is almost too big a swing.

Between getting to the bar and getting to the serious after dinner talking, there were at least two X amount of time later type things. Is it possible to make it so there is just one of those? I liked the tired getting pulled along by the grownups feel from M's POV, but I also felt like I was stumbling a little. 

The reveal about MC was a BIG CHANGE from the other draft. I had suspected the son was in Gen... from early on, so I find this reveal satisfying, assuming it is true. 

Overall, there are a few little wrinkles to iron out, but otherwise, this was much better. 

 

 

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I’m with the others – this is much better. There’s more tension and, more importantly, we’re starting to get some payoff.

Donning my “cop’s kid” hat again for a moment…

The very beginning of the gunfight doesn’t sit quite right with me either, but I’m coming at it from a slightly different angle than @Mandamon or @Sarah B. I’m pretty much okay with Kr putting the pieces together and realizing DM is a threat (although it’s still not clear why they let him down there to begin with. Even if Koo didn’t know what DM was, he probably shouldn’t be letting people wander into detention cells willy-nilly). Koo following his lead and drawing also – in other circumstances I’d at least expect him to question it, but DM has a  gun drawn and that changes a lot. The thing that’s getting me now is that this is effectively a hostage situation, which means that the police should be working to de-escalate the situation. I know, I know, in an ideal world where cops always behave as they should and they ALL have training as hostage negotiators and no panic responses, but these are also secondary characters whom you’ve had playing a relatively idealized role, and I can’t be the only one who reads this and thinks “that’s a terrible idea.” Anyhow, hopefully that perspective gives you something else to play around with as you work up to the firefight.

As I go:

Bottom of p3, “his gaze locked on Q” – not sure exactly what this statement is doing here, it seems unnecessary. Suspect you could just delete.

Top-ish of p4, now DM is also using TOM abbreviation. It’s not out of the question that DM would come up with same abbreviation Mo did, but he doesn’t  seem the type to use cutesy acronyms anyway.

Given DM’s reputation, I would have expected him to fire on Mo as soon as Q said “no.” Barring that I would have expected him to fire as soon as they all heard the door open, before Chefs K and K could actually get downstairs.

“If Q could make things up, so could she.” Good, but I’d like to see DM actually take the bait in some way, or this becomes a throwaway line. Could be as simple as DM maybe narrowing his eyes or something, but he could also demand that Mo elaborate. This might be a good way of stalling him, too, until the Chefs arrive.

P6 “ears ringing like the Duomo” nice.

Top of p9, “loath” should be “loathe” since this is the verb form of the word

MC shrouding R’s digital footprint helps explain why DM hasn’t found them yet, but if MC’s position’s been compromised wouldn’t the effectiveness of whatever technique he’s using to shroud them be somewhat suspect? Could be mentioned explicitly to inject even more urgency into the situation, perhaps.

If MC has video, couldn’t he send the video to Q and company without needing them to come into Gen first? True, that’s one less reason for Q to go into Gen in the first place, but Q seems unlikely to just walk away knowing there’s someone that needs his help, and MC seems to have Q’s number in this regard. Even before the reveal that you’ve written into this chapter later.

Last paragraph of the sub “actually managed a smiled” should be smile.

I see a couple of things in other's comments that I want to respond to, but it is now 8:01am and I'm supposed to be working. Watch this space and I'll update the post when I get a chance. ;)

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Real life decided I'm not allowed to have nice things so sorry this is so short. I have eaten a lot of sugar to counteract that so hopefully it's coherent. 

This reads much better than the old version, definitely. The gunfight still feels a little random to me, because I have a bit of difficulty believing the sheriffs K would draw in a confined area like that on someone they were at least neutral towards (but was it the gun? they saw the gun first and reacted to that then noticed it was Mor?), but the fight is set up much better than last time, and the lead-in is more natural-feeling, and I have a much better sense of where everyone is in relation to each other. The fight still kind of plays into the yakety sax music I have in my head whenever the sheriffs K are on screen, but I think that that will be minimized by some of the changes you've mentioned in earlier chapters, hopefully. 

Tinfoil hat theory (likely) verified, nice! 

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On 1/13/2020 at 10:23 AM, Mandamon said:

Pg 2: I really like the vividness of M's description of DM, but I almost think it's...too much? I kept checking to see if it was E's POV. M has reason to hate DM, yes, but not so much on this personal level. DM's gone after E and Q, but I don't think he really knows M exists.

I didn't feel the same way (about it being too much, that is). M very much strikes me as the kind of character who will take things personally even when they happen to be aimed at friends/associates, rather than at her directly.

On 1/14/2020 at 0:46 AM, Robinski said:

Okay, I'll need to think on this. I was trying to play up the fact that Kr has taken them out of Ko's jail without permission. I appreciate it's maybe it's a grey area, and the Kr would not necessarily be treated as having broken the law, as such.

I mean, going by the book, Kr would/should absolutely be treated as having broken the law, because, well, he has. He might not be here, because the thin blue line draws together and all that, but I don't think that Ko tracking the truck--which, by the book, he should absolutely be doing-- necessarily positions him as helping DM, especially not since the dude's just shot him (I mean, I very much doubt that this is the case, but the man could very well be dead given the information we have at the moment). "The cops are not always your friend, even when you're on the same side" is kind of a thing in private eye narratives, I think, and it's certainly been a thing in this one. All of which is a very long way of saying that I didn't experience this the same way @Mandamon did. :rolleyes:

On 1/14/2020 at 6:11 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

And at first, I was also confused as to whether there had been some time jump, or if K was just saying screw the rules and sneaking them out in the chaos

I was a little bit confused at first too, but sorta read it as intentional.

On 1/14/2020 at 6:11 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Between getting to the bar and getting to the serious after dinner talking, there were at least two X amount of time later type things. Is it possible to make it so there is just one of those?

Yeah, I wonder if one of these could just straight-up be a new scene?

On 1/14/2020 at 6:11 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

The reveal about MC was a BIG CHANGE from the other draft. I had suspected the son was in Gen... from early on, so I find this reveal satisfying, assuming it is true. 

Yes! This seed was planted very early on and it's super-satisfying to have it finally come to light.

6 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

The fight still kind of plays into the yakety sax music I have in my head whenever the sheriffs K are on screen

Bug, or feature? ;)

Edited by Silk
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Hey SSmooth, thanks so much for reading.

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The tension in this chapter was through the roof!

Woo hoo!! Glad it's coming together :) 

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

When DM pointing the gun at M was used as a tag mid evil villain speech, for a second I thought he might have been pointing it at E, but that was clarified almost immediately after. Still, I kind of wanted M's reaction the second the gun was pointed at her, not after he finished talking.

Okay. I've tried it that way around and it reads pretty good, I think :) 

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I stumbled a little on the transition from the cell to the bar

Right, I've had another look at that and made some tweaks. Hopefully it clearer now.

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

When M was asking for her android, something was missing, much of the tension and emotion she was brining in the previous part of the chapter was gone, but I didn't exactly feel relief either. The emotion came back when she leaned on Q. For a stretch, that dialogue felt a little too matter of fact. Right now, that little stretch is quick, mostly tagless dialogue. Can you drop a few  lines to keep the tension / emotion going to carry it through?

I can, and I think I have. Good catch. Thank you!

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

And at first, I was also confused as to whether there had been some time jump, or if K was just saying screw the rules and sneaking them out in the chaos. Later, there was a line confirming the later, but throughout the chapter, I kept wondering what the stakes were for K now. How much trouble could he actually get in for this? 

Him taking a risk to catch DM felt in character for him throughout most of the book, with the exception being that chapter where Q & M had been rescued by helicopter. I'm not sure how much that chapter changed, but in that one, K had seemed hell bent on killing Q, and going from that to this is almost too big a swing.

For one thing, the scene in which K is 'chasing' Q and M towards the helicopter is edited now (which you haven't seen) and it's clearer now, I think that Kr is not trying to shoot Q or M, but to catch them, whereas the town sheriff, or at least his deputies, are a bit more trigger happy. So, hopefully the tone of that bit is clearer from the WK POV, and it does not seem like such a huge swing. I've worked on a few of WK's lines to try and smooth out the dissonance.

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Between getting to the bar and getting to the serious after dinner talking, there were at least two X amount of time later type things. Is it possible to make it so there is just one of those?

Yes! Good catch. There was 'fifteen minutes later' and then on a bit 'An hour later', which is certainly awkward,. I've modified the first one so they are just climbing down from the truck and there is no mention of a time jump. Nice comment.

On 15/01/2020 at 2:11 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The reveal about MC was a BIG CHANGE from the other draft. I had suspected the son was in Gen... from early on, so I find this reveal satisfying, assuming it is true. 

Excellent. And also interesting that you think it might not be true. I'm glad to have you second guessing a little (I think).

On 15/01/2020 at 4:01 PM, Silk said:

I see a couple of things in other's comments that I want to respond to, but it is now 8:01am and I'm supposed to be working. Watch this space and I'll update the post when I get a chance.

Pah, chillax! @Mandamon does all his crits at work*. ;) 

I look forward to any discussion however. More than welcome. Thanks again. Great comments.

 

(*I must admit, I do some too.)

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10 hours ago, Robinski said:

Pah, chillax! @Mandamon does all his crits at work*. ;) 

...

(*I must admit, I do some too.)

Your work days clearly look very different than mine do, both of you. At least this explains the secret  of @Mandamon The First!

Also, I ended up revisiting the rest of the comments in a separate post above, in case you didn't see it.

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Fashionably late, per usual.

Overall

Oh much better! Emotion got dialed up and there's more action. I liked it! I think it still fell flat on M emotion at the end, as noted, and I still don't understand why K broke them out. I'd love to see a bit more action from E, she seems to be just along for the ride at this point. But generally, GO TEAM!

11 hours ago, Robinski said:

Pah, chillax! @Mandamon does all his crits at work*. ;) 

I do at least 50% of mine at work, too!

 

As I go

see justice done <-- you've got redundancy on 'done' from this sentence to the next

- pg 6: I'm really enjoying this, but what is E doing while this firefight is going on? WOuldn't she... be trying to protect M or something?

- pg 6: How quaint <-- this seems like Q's voice, not M's

- pg 7: I still don't get K seeing the light, as it were, but I'm more willing to suspend disbelief in this version, where there was some action and a clear baddy

- pg 8: oooh the emotions on pg 8 are excellent. Love her, darn it, Q!
- pg 12 reveal is a delight

- pg 12: wait, everyone is taking the son thing at face value? No one wants to be like, wait you have a what now? Also missing M's reaction

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13 hours ago, Robinski said:

Pah, chillax! @Mandamon does all his crits at work*. ;) 

I'm glad my coworkers don't know about this site!

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Having not read the first version, I did enjoy this version. I liked that you could really tell this was a different perspective from the language choices. Still not tons of comments as I'm trying to get my feet under me in the story, but here goes:

p. 3 - I wasn't sure who did the initial name-calling at Mor. The previous sentence made it sound like it was E since she was the last referred to.

p. 6 - I'm wondering if it's in character for everyone's weapons to be identified in only a second, especially when she's also diving for cover. I would assume M knows a lot about weapons from this. Don't know much about her, so I can't judge.

p. 7 - She can identify guns, but not tell what the flash/smoke bomb is?

p. 8 - “Where’s my robot?” she demanded. - This is another part when I was confused about who "she" is. There is more than one woman and Eve was the last mentioned. I guess a more familiar reader would know the robot belonged to M, but it still couldn't hurt to say "M said" instead of "she said."

"finished dispensing a pill to each of them then waved them into the truck." - Where are these pills coming from? I could use some description.

p. 9 - The paragraph where they discuss where to go was confusing for me. Why is he giving them the choice? And the initial sentence threw me off as I didn't figure out what they were discussing until the end of the sentence.

p. 10 - "When the rust came down, adults either freaked out or looked for a drink; maybe both. She had no wish to try it again." - This was unclear to me until I read the next sentence. I think it's because the antecedent to "it" is unclear. Clearly it should be alcohol in general, but the last thing referred to is "both" which referred to "freaked out" and "a drink" which isn't exactly the same as alcohol. I understand after reading the sentence after these, but I think this needs reworking.

If M hasn't ever really drunk alcohol, would she really know/care about the identity of their drinks? I know as a tea-totaling Mormon with zero alcohol experience, there's no way I would remember/care about the names of drinks people ordered. I'd describe their color, maybe. But that's me, and I don't know the character.

p. 13 - " If it’s digital," - If what's digital? This sentence was unclear.

I didn't quite get the emotional jump that made MC flip out and reveal his identity. It did not land for me.

p. 14 - "The curfew; we’re exhausted" - I don't think a semicolon is the right punctuation choice. This sounds like a trailing off sentence, in which case I'd go with ellipsis or em-dash.

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On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

Having not read the first version, I did enjoy this version. I liked that you could really tell this was a different perspective from the language choices.

:D Cool beans. Thanks for reading, Liz.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 3 - I wasn't sure who did the initial name-calling at Mor. The previous sentence made it sound like it was E since she was the last referred to.

Okay. It is E. Since we're in Mo's POV, I thought that it would be clear. I've tweaked the line so there's not doubt.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 6 - I'm wondering if it's in character for everyone's weapons to be identified in only a second, especially when she's also diving for cover. I would assume M knows a lot about weapons from this. Don't know much about her, so I can't judge.

Yeah. It's canon (pun intended :lol: ) that Mo knows such things, as a gangster's niece, which is largely Book 1.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 7 - She can identify guns, but not tell what the flash/smoke bomb is?

It's more from the disorientation, but still, having read again, yes, fair comment. I've tweaked it a bit.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 8 - “Where’s my robot?” she demanded. - This is another part when I was confused about who "she" is. There is more than one woman and Eve was the last mentioned. I guess a more familiar reader would know the robot belonged to M, but it still couldn't hurt to say "M said" instead of "she said."

I'll do that. I tend to limit use of the name in the character's own POV for immersion purposes, and I think Book 1 readers would not snag on this, but I'm happy enough to change it.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

"finished dispensing a pill to each of them then waved them into the truck." - Where are these pills coming from? I could use some description.

I do go on to have Kr explain the purpose of the pill five lines down, but it's half a dozen lines down. I can move it up, but it's playing into his moment with Mo. I'll look at it.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 9 - The paragraph where they discuss where to go was confusing for me. Why is he giving them the choice? And the initial sentence threw me off as I didn't figure out what they were discussing until the end of the sentence.

Yes, I've reworded that. Good call.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 10 - "When the rust came down, adults either freaked out or looked for a drink; maybe both. She had no wish to try it again." - This was unclear to me until I read the next sentence. I think it's because the antecedent to "it" is unclear. Clearly it should be alcohol in general, but the last thing referred to is "both" which referred to "freaked out" and "a drink" which isn't exactly the same as alcohol. I understand after reading the sentence after these, but I think this needs reworking.

Good call. Like it. Changed.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

If M hasn't ever really drunk alcohol, would she really know/care about the identity of their drinks? I know as a tea-totaling Mormon with zero alcohol experience, there's no way I would remember/care about the names of drinks people ordered. I'd describe their color, maybe. But that's me, and I don't know the character.

Fair comment. She's well accustomed to Q drinking G&T, but not beer, so I've changed that reference. Good call.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 13 - " If it’s digital," - If what's digital? This sentence was unclear.

I meant in the sense of anything, if anything is digital. As in that all-encompassing style of statement, e.g. 'If it's got wheels, I can drive it.'

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

I didn't quite get the emotional jump that made MC flip out and reveal his identity. It did not land for me.

Yes, on rereading, the emotional through-line is not quite right. Pants in a bunch is dismissive, but that's not where MC needs to be. I've tweaked this and had Mo wind him up more. Good call.

On 18/01/2020 at 11:50 PM, lizbusby said:

p. 14 - "The curfew; we’re exhausted" - I don't think a semicolon is the right punctuation choice. This sounds like a trailing off sentence, in which case I'd go with ellipsis or em-dash.

Good call. Fixed.

Great comments. Thanks very much, Liz. Greatly appreciated :) 

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7 hours ago, Robinski said:

I do go on to have Kr explain the purpose of the pill five lines down, but it's half a dozen lines down. I can move it up, but it's playing into his moment with Mo. I'll look at it.

I'm not confused about what the pill is, I'm confused about where it came from. Does he just carry shock pills in his pocket or did he pull them out of his car? Unless you're going for the oddness value of them appearing from nowhere, you may want to add something like, "He slammed closed the truck and handed each of them a pill." Just makes him seem like a drug dealer if they appear out of nowhere. 

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On 22/01/2020 at 3:27 PM, lizbusby said:

I'm confused about where it came from. Does he just carry shock pills in his pocket or did he pull them out of his car?

Darn your iron-clad logic,. Yes, I'll have him produce them from the truck. Good call thumbs-up.jpg.bbfc85f38cc3e63f5ff0e14bdaf0b4d6.jpg

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