Robinski Posted January 6, 2020 Report Share Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) Dear all, A hat trick of Monday submissions, maybe I've turned the corner at last. Here is the twenty-fourth chapter. Any comments--big or small--greatly appreciated Best, Robinski Chapter Summary: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; 08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T; 09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape; 10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay; 11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM; 12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM; 13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening. 14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes. 15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves. 16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos. 17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future. 18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time. 20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs. 21 - Our heroes drive to BR's house, encounter a roadblock and pull a ruse on the National Guard there. At the house, they search until they are 'set upon' by more nasty T/F. 22 - After battling the Sparkles, the group is rescued by the National Guard, but taken to the YK sheriff and jailed. DM appears at the jail. 23 - Confrontation between Q and DM in the jail, Sheriffs K and K (hmm...) arrive, but DM escapes. Group released into Kr's custody, he mandates food and rest for the night. Edited January 6, 2020 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted January 6, 2020 Report Share Posted January 6, 2020 Sooo...I guess I'm first again. I was ready to call out more standing around when the chapter opened with eating and drinking in a bar, but I ended up enjoying this chapter more than the last 3 or 4. There were some good character building moments, and we finally get some inkling of what the real strategy might be behind everything. It all gets pretty tense toward the end, and my only complaint is that it's taken 24 chapters to get here. The two K's are playing a more important part, but I'd like their personalities and the political side to be built up a lot more to get to this point. Prescriptive, but I think switching out some of the traveling for learning about K&K and what how TOM ties in with politics would shore this chapter up a lot. pg 3: wasn't really expecting a break from the running and shooting for a conversation on philosophical implications of decentralized communities... pg 5: "My animals always watch the door.” --good line pg 7: “In a different narrative,” --also a good line pg 8: "And I'm half-serious about that job, by the way" --I would read a Q & M & E adventure... pg 8: "But I do kinda wish we’d met when I was still bi-sceptical.” --nice pg 9: The realization about whatever the political party is doing falls flat. E seems to know, but I don't understand enough about the political situation to get it. TOM is interfering in an election, sure. But what are the consequences? pg 9: "for galactic stakes" --vague. What exactly might happen? Make me fear it. pg 10: Wait--why did they wake everyone up to talk again? Couldn't they have just done it in the morning? pg 11: "interstellar terra-forming company” --Oh yeah...forgot about this. Might be good to reiterate somewhere in the intervening chapters. Pg 13: the ending definitely got more tense. I guess the president is in on this somehow and suspending the election is part of it? I think the villainization of Koo needs some more buildup. I couldn't tell the two K's apart before, and now Q is questioning whether he's working with DM. There needs to be something in the middle. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah B Posted January 7, 2020 Report Share Posted January 7, 2020 A pleasant chapter to read with some great lines. Still waiting for some forward motion but I enjoyed it. Just a few things: It's got all the sugars: love this line Hamstrings protested loudly: This makes me think they made an audible sound. I would believe his knees crackling audibly but if your hamstrings are audible outside of your body something terrible and possibly irreperable has happened to you. General note: Q is using TOM and The OM interchangeably around E. I don't remember anyone explaining this term to her so it feels like she could end up thinking there's this guy named Tom and also The OM. E's drink: Not a pivital detail but: first she has her own bottle which she uses to point at Q. 2nd she has a highball glass which is for any carbonated mixer with spirits or sometimes another mixed drink. 3rd She has to wait to order another from the bar tender. 4th she licks scotch from her lips and there is ice in her glass. 5th she sips whiskey. So either she has her own bottle of scotch but ordered a soda water and ice to mix it with and then orders a whiskey, or she started with beer and then ordered scotch and then a whiskey both of which would normally come in a tumbler not a highball glass. Much more important things going on but this was a hang up for me. So far above my paygrade... : loved this line too Near 80% mark: "This little chat" The paragraph change had me expecting E to be speaking until I realized from context it was still Q. An identifier would be nice. Looking forward to the next chapter, Thanks for sharing! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted January 8, 2020 Report Share Posted January 8, 2020 Overall Well like @Mandamon I was prepared to be grumbly about another chapter of not moving, but there was enough interpersonal movement that I really enjoyed it. My biggest hangups came from the E/Q interactions, which ran very straight flirty, especially from E. There are pretty distinct ways lesbians interact with straight men, different ways they may interact with bi and pan men, and different ways they interact based upon what 'kind' of lesbian they are. You've coded E as a power femme more or less, and so to see her acting more high femme really threw me off. I can get into more detail if you want. As I go - pg 3: more sitting and talking. Dislike - pg 6: I enjoyed the touching Q/M moment a lot! - pg 6: I still don't understand why Q and Kres are all buddy buddy now - pg 6: Is that male gaze in your eye, or are you just pleased to see me?” <--- Dead. I am dead. Please do not ever delete this line - pg 7: Q brushing away E's tear is a little squicky to me. It's very male flirty, and it sounds like E is canon lesbian. If Q wants to get away with that he needs to make it more of a clear overstepping, like a joke. Something like, "M'lady, do let me get your wanton tear" etc - the follow up line is perfect though - pg 8: But now the law accept he’s up <--- missing an 's' - pg 8: I told you I don’t bat for the B-team <-- while this is funny, he's made one too many passes at her for my liking. I'd like to see her come down harder on him, but still friendly. She's already tried to gently point out he's bi/pan, and he's pushed that away and doubled down on the flirting to hide it (classic!). So when he does this flirt, I'd love to see her say something like, "Even you have to see your overcompensation by now" - pg 9: ugh too much knee touching if she's not flirting. It makes me uncomfortable. Lesbians don't socialize like straight women, unless she's high femme, which she has not been described as. I classes her as more power femme, and no power femme would be repeatedly touching a guy's knee - pg 11: careful with 'spook'. I know its a CIA slang term but it's also a really bad racial slur in the US, too - pg 12: Matt black,<--I think in this context it gets an 'e' on the end - interesting ending 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted January 8, 2020 Report Share Posted January 8, 2020 I also started out grumbly about another bar scene, but was also won over. I loved the little moment between Q & M. If that was in the other ch. and not this one, I'm sorry. I just read them both straight through. There was a lot of good information. There was something about MC having previously mention TOM's involvement in the election. It's probably WRS but I didn't remember happening before. This might also be WRS, but I forgot how much E knew about TOM. I always feel like I'm missing something in the flirty scenes, even though they're entertaining. I did have the strong sense that at the end of this, they had a plan that was finally going to be carried out. I loved the timing of the curfew announcement! It raises the stakes. Ifeel like this ended with a good last line. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 10, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2020 Hey thanks for reading, and thanks for being first! I'm sorry it takes me so long to get to the feedback. I tell myself I'm catching up... On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: I was ready to call out more standing around when the chapter opened with eating and drinking in a bar, but I ended up enjoying this chapter more than the last 3 or 4. There were some good character building moments, and we finally get some inkling of what the real strategy might be behind everything. It all gets pretty tense toward the end, and my only complaint is that it's taken 24 chapters to get here. Yeah. My biggest takeaway so far is to work the details that I learned in the back end of drafting back through the first half. I've cut the equivalent of two chapters out of what's gone before, but I expect to cut more, or rather to replace slow words with more tense and motivating ones in the next pass. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: The two K's are playing a more important part, but I'd like their personalities and the political side to be built up a lot more to get to this point. Prescriptive, but I think switching out some of the traveling for learning about K&K and what how TOM ties in with politics would shore this chapter up a lot. Yes. The two sheriffs on screen together don't really spark. There is not less shared screen time, for what that's worth. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: wasn't really expecting a break from the running and shooting for a conversation on philosophical implications of decentralized communities... Fair comment. Having substantial rewritten the previous chapter, I think it leads into this more naturally. Now I can get my editing shears onto this one, align them, and seek to trim this one back some more. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: pg 5: "My animals always watch the door.” --good line pg 7: “In a different narrative,” --also a good line pg 8: "And I'm half-serious about that job, by the way" --I would read a Q & M & E adventure... pg 8: "But I do kinda wish we’d met when I was still bi-sceptical.” --nice On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: pg 9: The realization about whatever the political party is doing falls flat. E seems to know, but I don't understand enough about the political situation to get it. TOM is interfering in an election, sure. But what are the consequences? Ok. I'll seek to adjust E's reaction. She's not supposed to know. Insufficient communication on my part. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: pg 9: "for galactic stakes" --vague. What exactly might happen? Make me fear it. It is vague. Excellent point. I will address the stakes specifically. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: pg 10: Wait--why did they wake everyone up to talk again? Couldn't they have just done it in the morning? Yeah, insufficient threat/stakes for this. Agreed. I need to revamp the threat level. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: pg 11: "interstellar terra-forming company” --Oh yeah...forgot about this. Might be good to reiterate somewhere in the intervening chapters. Check. Earlier reminders of EC's activities. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: Pg 13: the ending definitely got more tense. I guess the president is in on this somehow and suspending the election is part of it? Yeah. Waaaaay back in Chapter 3 (I think, without checking) we had the short scene with the pres and the politico. On 06/01/2020 at 4:03 PM, Mandamon said: I think the villainization of Koo needs some more buildup. I couldn't tell the two K's apart before, and now Q is questioning whether he's working with DM. There needs to be something in the middle. I hadn't intended Koo to be villainous, and I think that's clearer now in the rewrite of Chp.17. This chapter now gets a rewrite, in which I'll be tidying references up. Great comments. Thanks so much. Really helpful 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2020 Thanks so much for reading, Sarah. On 07/01/2020 at 0:53 PM, Sarah B said: A pleasant chapter to read with some great lines. Still waiting for some forward motion but I enjoyed it. Yes, accepted. I've edited Chp.17 (23) fairly heavily, and it has more action and momentum, I hope. I will carry some of that into an edit of this chapter, and hope to get another edit of Chapter 19 in before subbing it on Monday (or Tuesday... ). On 07/01/2020 at 0:53 PM, Sarah B said: Hamstrings protested loudly: This makes me think they made an audible sound. I would believe his knees crackling audibly but if your hamstrings are audible outside of your body something terrible and possibly irreperable has happened to you. Yes: this is a terrible line! Thanks for flagging I've changed it completely. While there was some emotional strain, there wasn't that much physical effort in the last few hours in particular, just accumulated strain from days. Still, he's not some decrepit desk jokey like me!! On 07/01/2020 at 0:53 PM, Sarah B said: General note: Q is using TOM and The OM interchangeably around E. I don't remember anyone explaining this term to her so it feels like she could end up thinking there's this guy named Tom and also The OM. Ooh, super comment. I've actually thought this myself, but let it go because I figured she was smart enough to figure it out, and I didn't need to use words showing those cogs turning in her head. BUT, since you mention it (so that's two of us, at least), I'll go back and take a look. Thanks! After checking back, I've actually modified a line in Chapter 16 (22) where E first questions the term T-- O-- M--. Good spot. On 07/01/2020 at 0:53 PM, Sarah B said: E's drink: Not a pivital detail but: first she has her own bottle which she uses to point at Q. 2nd she has a highball glass which is for any carbonated mixer with spirits or sometimes another mixed drink. 3rd She has to wait to order another from the bar tender. 4th she licks scotch from her lips and there is ice in her glass. 5th she sips whiskey. So either she has her own bottle of scotch but ordered a soda water and ice to mix it with and then orders a whiskey, or she started with beer and then ordered scotch and then a whiskey both of which would normally come in a tumbler not a highball glass. Much more important things going on but this was a hang up for me. No, you're absolutely right. It's my incorrect use of the term 'highball'. I will tidy this up. It's a lowball glass she has, with ice, and is drinking Scotch (whisky) on the rocks. Thanks for calling the confusion. On 07/01/2020 at 0:53 PM, Sarah B said: Near 80% mark: "This little chat" The paragraph change had me expecting E to be speaking until I realized from context it was still Q. An identifier would be nice. Fixed. Thanks. Great comments, really appreciate those, some good fixes there 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2020 Thanks so much for reading, Kais, and for your help with the interaction stuff. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: Well like @Mandamon I was prepared to be grumbly about another chapter of not moving, but there was enough interpersonal movement that I really enjoyed it. Phew (although I will be aiming to inject more impetus as a result of rewriting Chp.17, but it will still be a 'sequel' chapter. At least now there's something more substantial for it to be a sequel to. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: My biggest hangups came from the E/Q interactions, which ran very straight flirty, especially from E. There are pretty distinct ways lesbians interact with straight men, different ways they may interact with bi and pan men, and different ways they interact based upon what 'kind' of lesbian they are. You've coded E as a power femme more or less, and so to see her acting more high femme really threw me off. I can get into more detail if you want. I'm indebted to you for the off-line discussion on this topic. Thank you! On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 3: more sitting and talking. Dislike Yeah, it's a work in progress. More rewriting on that way, but still a 'down' chapter. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 6: I enjoyed the touching Q/M moment a lot! That is heartening. I'm really trying to develop their relationship in this book as a lead in to Book 3, which is outlined emotionally in my mind. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 6: I still don't understand why Q and Kres are all buddy buddy now Yes. I have not handled that well, and will clarify the Q / Kr dynamic in the re-writes as I go. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 6: Is that male gaze in your eye, or are you just pleased to see me?” <--- Dead. I am dead. Please do not ever delete this line It's very, very safe On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 7: Q brushing away E's tear is a little squicky to me. It's very male flirty, and it sounds like E is canon lesbian. If Q wants to get away with that he needs to make it more of a clear overstepping, like a joke. Something like, "M'lady, do let me get your wanton tear" etc I have changed the tone, I think (without cutting-and-pasting your suggestions, honest). On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - the follow up line is perfect though On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 8: But now the law accept he’s up <--- missing an 's' Reworded. Thanks. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 8: I told you I don’t bat for the B-team <-- while this is funny, he's made one too many passes at her for my liking. I'd like to see her come down harder on him, but still friendly. She's already tried to gently point out he's bi/pan, and he's pushed that away and doubled down on the flirting to hide it (classic!). So when he does this flirt, I'd love to see her say something like, "Even you have to see your overcompensation by now" On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 9: ugh too much knee touching if she's not flirting. It makes me uncomfortable. Lesbians don't socialize like straight women, unless she's high femme, which she has not been described as. I classes her as more power femme, and no power femme would be repeatedly touching a guy's knee I'm changing this. Thanks again. I have a much better idea of where to go, I believe. So, now there is less patting, and the one instance has a different emphasis, and E tells Q to 'Let it go'. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 11: careful with 'spook'. I know its a CIA slang term but it's also a really bad racial slur in the US, too Ooh. Yeah, this is very much in a UK sense, which is the first, and not the second (that I've ever heard here). A quick look online seems to show a fairly even balance, although Urban Dictionary and Wiki seem to place it below the racial slur. I'll keep it for now, but thanks for the note. I think this context is clear enough. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - pg 12: Matt black,<--I think in this context it gets an 'e' on the end Thanks. The line is gone now, for what it's worth. On 08/01/2020 at 4:16 AM, kais said: - interesting ending Cool. Great comments, as ever. I feel much happier about the dynamics here, much appreciated 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2020 Hey SSmooth, many thanks for reading. On 08/01/2020 at 6:43 AM, shatteredsmooth said: I also started out grumbly about another bar scene, but was also won over. Phew. I'm very pleased there appears to be a comment reaction to this, which seems to suggest it's the right place for a 'sequel' chapter, now with more of a scene before it (in Chapter 17). On 08/01/2020 at 6:43 AM, shatteredsmooth said: I loved the little moment between Q & M. If that was in the other ch. and not this one, I'm sorry. I just read them both straight through. No, it's here, and I'm very pleased about that. (from above response) 'I'm really trying to develop their relationship in this book as a lead in to Book 3, which is outlined emotionally in my mind.' On 08/01/2020 at 6:43 AM, shatteredsmooth said: There was a lot of good information. There was something about MC having previously mention TOM's involvement in the election. It's probably WRS but I didn't remember happening before. This might also be WRS, but I forgot how much E knew about TOM. Yeah, it was MC's parting shot way back when they were sitting in the car out from Crest. And it might have been a consequent edit, actually. So, really don't worry about not remembering. On 08/01/2020 at 6:43 AM, shatteredsmooth said: I always feel like I'm missing something in the flirty scenes, even though they're entertaining. Ahem, well, see above discourse with @kais, who has helped me greatly in refining the tone of these. On 08/01/2020 at 6:43 AM, shatteredsmooth said: I did have the strong sense that at the end of this, they had a plan that was finally going to be carried out. I loved the timing of the curfew announcement! It raises the stakes. Ifeel like this ended with a good last line. Oh excellent, I'm really pleased this worked for you, and it seems to have landed pretty well with other readers. Still more tuning to do in terms of placing references in the overarching plot, Tom, MC, etc. back through earlier chapters, but I'm glad it feels that things are building effectively here Supper comments. Very much appreciated. Thank you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted January 12, 2020 Report Share Posted January 12, 2020 As I go: Wait, there are FTL ships? Huh. The setting is pretty firmly grounded in near-ish future and I think this is the first mention of the existence of, for lack of a better term, space opera technology. It’s a bit of a stumbling block, but I expect it could easily be swapped out for some other, more feasible piece of space-faring (or whatever) technologies. “I need you at the top of your game…” which is why he’s had four gins? I wonder a little if the scene with the stuffed animal is a little too infantalizing (aren’t most 14-year-olds a little beyond being asked if they’ll cuddle a toy?) but it’s good to see the android mentioned here, plus we get the lovely little character detail of “He’s watching the door...” “If she makes pee-pee, I’ll know.” Speaking of infantalizing. This strikes me as … unnecessarily creepy. P6 “… hardly fair after what she’d been through. ‘I’m sorry” – needs closing punctuation and quote marks. P7 “I can think of a couple of candidates…” but she only names one. I was half-hoping she would pull a big reveal on Q here (however inadvertently). Given what you mentioned about upping the personal stakes for Q in the last chapter, maybe she could at least say something that makes it harder for Q to avoid formulating his own suspicions? “…or Mor knows about it.” Well that might help address some of the concerns people have with MC calling from inside the house, so to speak. Bottom of p7 “I’m bang out of prospects I’m my sector” should be “in” P9 “I’m a Belter…” Just noting the same term is used in Corey’s The Expanse. Also, this conversation is telling me that the space colonization programme is a lot bigger than I’d believed; until now I thought it was just the moon, but it seems that isn’t the case. P9 - “TOM” - Q and M have been using this between themselves, but I don’t think E would have heard it? P12: “Matt black” should be “matte black,” I’m guessing? It’s a relatively minor issue and one I’m almost certainly going to be in the minority on, but I’m still experiencing some cognitive dissonance over the amalgamation of Canadian and American governmental institutions here. I’d pretty much managed to reconcile the use of the term “president” with your fictional NAF, but then in this newscast we have PL addressing the audience as “fellow Canadians,” specifically, and it’s weird again. (See also terms like “Democrats” in reference to Canadian politics.) Especially since you have the detail of PL making statements from Victoria (which is the home of the BC Legislature, although Parliament, of course, is in Ottawa). I think, especially given the relatively low visibility of the political plot and related worldbuilding, it’s just hitting that weird spot where it’s different enough from how things work that I want to correct it, but not different enough that I can just wave it away as a fictional construct. I acknowledge that it is entirely possible that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here, and the molehill is currently buried under the accumulated results of three snowstorms in as many weeks, so… Overall: Most of my big-picture comments are the same things that you’ve been hearing ad naseum for a while now: Q&M need to go finally kick some butt, etc., etc. I'd also second the comment from others that I enjoyed this chapter more than I expected to, given the general "are we there yet?" reaction you've been getting from me over the last few chapters. I am also going to leave the phone call between the two sheriffs alone because this will probably change now that the rewrite of the last chapter has DK acquiring a new and exciting lead-based piercing. There are a couple of things in this chapter that seem to be meant to bear a lot of the narrative tension, and they’re not quite having the impact they could. One is the revelation (for the characters) that TOM is fixing the election. It makes perfect sense that the characters are only putting this information together now, but it’s something that the reader has known for a long time. For this to work as a dramatic revelation, the readers have to get something that we didn’t know before. This could be a greater sense of the actual stakes—what bad things happen if TOM gets to fix the election?--which there is maybe an opportunity to do with the conversation between Q and E on the very bottom of page 8, although given the way the worldbuilding has been presented so far that’s probably a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down. Maybe there is a way to turn this information into something actionable for the main characters. The other is the newscast from PL, which even aside from the space it takes up is given a fair bit of emphasis. Given that the town is already under some fairly extreme measures and people are already leaving under their own steam, I’m not sure why the total evacuation seems to have struck WK—pardon me, the Chef—as so ominous. Granted, “free rein to shoot anything that moves” is pretty dang ominous in any context and it certainly raises the stakes here in a way that I appreciate. I’m just not sure why the evacuations, in particular, would have convinced WK to think that shenanigans were afoot. On 1/7/2020 at 8:16 PM, kais said: - pg 6: Is that male gaze in your eye, or are you just pleased to see me?” <--- Dead. I am dead. Please do not ever delete this line I KNOW. We should just add this to the T-shirt queue. On 1/7/2020 at 8:16 PM, kais said: - pg 6: I enjoyed the touching Q/M moment a lot! Yeah I don't think I emphasized this enough. I really did enjoy the moment, it's just the one bit of dialogue about the stuffed animal that struck me as a bit odd. I'm also going to second @Mandamon's comments about consequences re: the election fixing. It's actually something I think we could use a bit more of earlier, too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted January 15, 2020 Report Share Posted January 15, 2020 Boy I did not have anything coherent written for anything that was subbed this week. On 1/6/2020 at 10:03 AM, Mandamon said: but I think switching out some of the traveling for learning about K&K and what how TOM ties in with politics would shore this chapter up a lot. So I am only dropping in here to say this this yes please this definitely this for definitely this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: Boy I did not have anything coherent written for anything that was subbed this week. So I am only dropping in here to say this this yes please this definitely this for definitely this. Thanks for dropping in! For what it's worth, as you may notice, I've re-subbed Chapter 17, and will resubmit this chapter next week because of a significant change to Q's state of mind at the end of the new Chapter 17. Edited January 16, 2020 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2020 Well, I just lost an hour of typing a reply to you post, @Silk. Thank you so much for the comments, and I have taken a lot of them on board, all well made. I'll look to come back and reply again in more detail, but I cannot bear to start recreating all those thoughts. It's one of my real pet hates, or just plane hates, actually. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2020 Okay. I'm going to try this again. Probably be shorter and more focused this time! Really appreciate you comments, @silk. Thanks so much for reading. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: Wait, there are FTL ships? Huh. The setting is pretty firmly grounded in near-ish future and I think this is the first mention of the existence of, for lack of a better term, space opera technology. It’s a bit of a stumbling block, but I expect it could easily be swapped out for some other, more feasible piece of space-faring (or whatever) technologies. Yes. The series started out envisaged going further out into the galaxy, but has got no further than the Moon, with a couple scenes at Q's home on Hygeia. There are references to wider star travel, but I might change this to something like Very Fast Drives or some such. It's a fair comment, for sure. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: “I need you at the top of your game…” which is why he’s had four gins? Lol. Yeah, Q's very 'do as I say, not as I do' in the parenting department On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: I wonder a little if the scene with the stuffed animal is a little too infantalizing (aren’t most 14-year-olds a little beyond being asked if they’ll cuddle a toy?) but it’s good to see the android mentioned here, plus we get the lovely little character detail of “He’s watching the door...” Man, I wrote a great treatise on this the first time around. I think kids in development have it within their toolbox to play with behaviours from earlier in their childhood that evoke a strong emotional reaction, in them or others. I guess some adults do too. Goodness knows M's got some baggage from childhood, and Q's got zero parenting experience prior to meeting M. Either way, I feel I can get away with this, but thanks for mentioning. It's fair comment for sure. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: “If she makes pee-pee, I’ll know.” Speaking of infantalizing. This strikes me as … unnecessarily creepy. Good call. I've changed this. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: P7 “I can think of a couple of candidates…” but she only names one. I was half-hoping she would pull a big reveal on Q here (however inadvertently). Given what you mentioned about upping the personal stakes for Q in the last chapter, maybe she could at least say something that makes it harder for Q to avoid formulating his own suspicions? Yeah. That big reveal is now in Chapter 17, so this scene will play somewhat differently. I'm just rewriting 18 just now, so this is timely. I think E naming one candidate can be perceived as her being cagey, whatever, probably it's moot now. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: P9 “I’m a Belter…” Just noting the same term is used in Corey’s The Expanse. Also, this conversation is telling me that the space colonization programme is a lot bigger than I’d believed; until now I thought it was just the moon, but it seems that isn’t the case. A-ha. Now then. I did feel this when I used the term, BUT, those Corey guys were not the first to use it. Larry Niven coined the phrase in his Known Space books way back, so I'm going to press on with no guilt feelings at all Thanks for calling though. I think it's such a generic and pretty obvious term that it can (or will) be seen as a standard term. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: P9 - “TOM” - Q and M have been using this between themselves, but I don’t think E would have heard it? Yeah, Sarah called this too. I've tweaked the references a bit to bring E into the circle of trust. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: I’m still experiencing some cognitive dissonance over the amalgamation of Canadian and American governmental institutions here. Yes, completely fair comment. The issue is that I have not written out a clear and comprehensive summary of the political and administrative situation as background before making these kinds of references. I am going to have to sketch out the political situation in North America before doing another edit. Probably I will do this before writing Book 3, but after editing this story. <posting part response now to avoid another loss of data!!> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2020 (edited) <response resumes...> On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: I enjoyed this chapter more than I expected to, given the general "are we there yet?" reaction you've been getting from me over the last few chapters. I am also going to leave the phone call between the two sheriffs alone because this will probably change now that the rewrite of the last chapter has DK acquiring a new and exciting lead-based piercing. Good. I'm glad to hear that. And, yes, exactly. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: There are a couple of things in this chapter that seem to be meant to bear a lot of the narrative tension, and they’re not quite having the impact they could. Agree. Quote One is the revelation (for the characters) that TOM is fixing the election. It makes perfect sense that the characters are only putting this information together now, but it’s something that the reader has known for a long time. For this to work as a dramatic revelation, the readers have to get something that we didn’t know before. This could be a greater sense of the actual stakes—what bad things happen if TOM gets to fix the election? Yes. I'm certainly willing to go down that rabbit hole enough for there to be more of a revelation, because I agree this is weak at the moment. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: The other is the newscast from PL, which even aside from the space it takes up is given a fair bit of emphasis. Given that the town is already under some fairly extreme measures and people are already leaving under their own steam, I’m not sure why the total evacuation seems to have struck WK—pardon me, the Chef—as so ominous. Granted, “free rein to shoot anything that moves” is pretty dang ominous in any context and it certainly raises the stakes here in a way that I appreciate. I’m just not sure why the evacuations, in particular, would have convinced WK to think that shenanigans were afoot. Agree. And I think this goes back to the point above about the revelation. So, I will revamp the presidential revelation and tie it better to the ultimate stakes for Tom. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: We should just add this to the T-shirt queue. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: I really did enjoy the moment, it's just the one bit of dialogue about the stuffed animal that struck me as a bit odd. Thank you. And noted. I've looked at tweaking it, but I'm not feeling a suitable alternative yet the matches my feeling for the moment. I will consider again in the next edit. On 12/01/2020 at 7:14 AM, Silk said: I'm also going to second @Mandamon's comments about consequences re: the election fixing. It's actually something I think we could use a bit more of earlier, too. Yup, I will up the election stakes here, and earlier in the story. Phew. Got there this time. Thanks for the great comments, Silk. Edited January 16, 2020 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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