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Robinski

Robinski - 191211 - TCC Chapter 15 (21) - 3925 words (LV)

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Hey everyone,
 
I'm sorry (again) that this is late (again), but hope you can find a spot in your schedule over the next few days to have a gander. Any and all comments on style, logic, plausibility, etc. would be greatly welcomed, even if you have not read the rest of the story (although I appreciate that would tend to be off-putting).
 
Best, Robinski
 

Chapter Summary:

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;
13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.
14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.
15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves.
16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos.
17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future.
18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 
19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time.
20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs.
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I'm glad the whole gang is traveling in the same direction now, but I still thought the first half of the chapter dragged, getting through all the (literal) roadblocks. They finally get to their objective and find...nothing, which I suppose should be expected, after all it's been several days since R left the house to tell Q. But it's still a bit of a letdown to come up, once again, with nothing but soldiers flinging death at the heroes. I want to start seeing some sort of payoff for all the traveling they've had to do to get to this point.

pg 3: “That’s a sports quip, right? I don’t do sports.”
--glad this was in there for explanation...

pg 7: “Little lady pregnant? Was that the best you could do..."
--I mean,it worked, didn't it? This seems overplayed compared with Q and E's relationship the rest of this chapter.

pg 7: “But I’m intrigued, you mentioned pregnancy pain…”
--would anyone really ask this? There are a whole host of issues that could be brought up by asking this.

pg 8: "“An heir to E-C?” 
--I still have no idea how the companies relate to Q and what the difference between E-C and Gen is.

pg 9: "If the law comes down on us, lay down your weapons."
--NOW they're going to submit to the law??

pg 10: "“Don’t shoot M. I need him.”
--for what? Also, why are they expecting him to be here at all?

pg 14: “Interested parties outside. Prepare for action.” 
--well, I'm glad they found something in the house, anyway...

pg 15: “Death sparkles!” 
--do wut now
Seriously, I am enjoying the names for the engineered creatures, but this was was a bit too bright and happy for the situation. it popped me out a bit and made me wonder, just as the chapter was ending.

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I think @Mandamon has pretty much covered most of what I have to say on this. It's very good to finally be getting to the objective that was stated way back in ... chapter 3? 4? But it is yet again more travel. Tense travel, to be sure, but I feel just so DONE with the "getting there" part. I am getting close to done with the "arriving just to be shot at" parts, too. 

The pregnancy ruse does feel a little hackneyed, but then it is Q, and that feels decently on-brand for him. Ref says, I'll allow it. ;) However, the two checkpoints back-to-back feels a little superfluous, no matter how accurate it would normally be. Maybe one can be summarized, so that there's only one that has "reading time" spent on it?

I am also slightly unclear what Q wants with Mor at this point, other than to kill the man himself. To double check the information on his son that the voice gives him? But then, why would Mor tell Q the truth? Corroborating a untrustworthy source with a less trustworthy one seems a little pointless to me..

I am also still fairly flummoxed by how all the businesses fit together and where Q fits (used to fit?) into all of it. 

". He needed neither flippancy"  -- Well SOMEbody's feeling a little threatened, aren't they? lol. I like D. i also like his joke here. 

"I’d have though you want" -- I'd have thought you wanted? I've have thought you'd want?  I'd have thought you'd have wanted?

Okay, yes, did someone's eight-year-old name those flying piranha? It's a weirdly cutesy note to end the super tense life-or-death gunfight and race-to-save-two-women-from-an-evil-meanie-murderer chapter on, so it really stands out. 

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@Robinski I didn't get this sub. Could you send it to my email directly? Thank you!

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Just a couple minor things:

Near the 50% mark; 'the moon would betray than' needs to be changed to 'them'

Roll neck sweater: I've never heard this term, is this a turtle neck? Maybe my lack of fashion is showing :-)

Near 70%:  one sentence paragraph with a plural and tense issue. "E, on one knees next to him, lowering her shotgun." Just needs to change to 'knee' and 'lowered' to match the tense use before and after.

Not sure how to abbreviate his name so Mr. Robot sometimes called Q mister and sometimes just Q in this chapter. I'm not sure if this was intentional but it doesn't seem to follow a pattern.

Also, I kind of like death sparkles. It doesnt match the other names in tone at all, but especially if they have some element to them that includes electricity or other sparkle element I'll buy it.

 

Thanks for sharing!

Sarah B.

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Overall

At first I thought, oh, another travel chapter. But then it paid off big time at the end and we got DEATH SPARKLES and I am quite happy. I like the searching though I wish they'd turned up a few bigger clues before the firefight. I think this was a solid movement towards the ending. although maybe WRS but why do they think T is there? Do they think she's being hidden away? I thought she had gotten away from the GMOs and was maybe hiding out? Are we to intuit that she was picked up by Mor et al. and secreted away?

I love the interplay between Q and E and would love to see it punched up even more. I think they make great semi-foils for one another, but also sort of two sides of the same coin. Like those two with M would make a heck of a crime fighting team!

On 12/12/2019 at 7:02 AM, Mandamon said:

I want to start seeing some sort of payoff for all the traveling they've had to do to get to this point.

I'll agree with this. It'd be nice to find something of note at the house

I'm the only one who liked the death sparkles, apparently. I love them. No shame.

As I go

- pg 3: oh I love the 'i don't do sports' interplay, noting their respective sides of the queer spectrum. Quality queer content there

- pg 7: “Huh,” said Q. “You’ve…” “Sorry,” she grumbled. “I’m <-- I don't understand this interchange. Why does she back down so quickly?

- pg 8: M GOT A GUN!

- pg 11: For the first time, Q considered that M and T were already dead. <-- does he have emotions about this?

- DEATH SPARKLES!!!

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So I really like this chapter and am having trouble coming up with things to critique about it. I think it had a good balance of humor, action, and some seriousness. 

Death sparkles. Yes. That name is perfect. 

I admit, I rolled my eyes at the mention of Tom Brady and comebacks, but this is purely out of personal bias as a New Englander who does not like sports and after one aforementioned comeback got so sick of hearing about Tom Brady. I suppose people will still remember him in 80ish years. I had no clue who the other sports player was, but that was okay, because obviously Q didn't either. :)

I loved the line about chivalry and distracting a beast while Eve put a slug in it.

I loved that M got a shotgun. 

I found one typo:

"...would betray than to any..."

Re your note about it/he for the kid mirroring the droid: I picked up on that without seeing your note. The son was some kind of clone, right? Q is questioning whether or not that counts as human?

 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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Hey, many thanks for reading, Mandamon. You've been so long-suffering with all the travelling. Kind of ironic given what you're up to at the moment :D;) 

On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

I'm glad the whole gang is traveling in the same direction now, but I still thought the first half of the chapter dragged, getting through all the (literal) roadblocks. They finally get to their objective and find...nothing, which I suppose should be expected, after all it's been several days since R left the house to tell Q. But it's still a bit of a letdown to come up, once again, with nothing but soldiers flinging death at the heroes. I want to start seeing some sort of payoff for all the traveling they've had to do to get to this point.

Seriously though, point well made. I had aimed to try and combine this chapter and the next one, which has some payoff, but there were just too many words. What I will do, maybe, is tweak the chapter breaks, which I do have scope to do with people now together.

On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: “But I’m intrigued, you mentioned pregnancy pain…”
--would anyone really ask this? There are a whole host of issues that could be brought up by asking this.

This is a good point. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was looking to inject character for E, but probably she has plenty of that, enough without this somewhat random point.

On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "“An heir to E-C?” 
--I still have no idea how the companies relate to Q and what the difference between E-C and Gen is.

Right. Clearly, I have fumbled this. E-C is a big solar-system-spanning corporation, and Gen is one of the many companies that E-C owns/controls. I'm going to have to fix this in next edit.

On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: "If the law comes down on us, lay down your weapons."
--NOW they're going to submit to the law??

Yeah, this line is not correct. Rephrased; in fact no, I just cut it.

On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "“Don’t shoot M. I need him.”
--for what? Also, why are they expecting him to be here at all?

Heh, that line didn't scan or anything. I've edited it. You're right of course, there's very little chance of M being there at all.

On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

Seriously, I am enjoying the names for the engineered creatures, but this was was a bit too bright and happy for the situation. it popped me out a bit and made me wonder, just as the chapter was ending.

I'm going to see how the majority falls on this. I feel it's on tone, although it totally take your point of where it falls, and how that could be jarring.

Many thanks, great comments as ever :) 

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Hey, thanks so much for reading, ID.

On 13/12/2019 at 0:53 AM, industrialistDragon said:

It's very good to finally be getting to the objective that was stated way back in ... chapter 3? 4? But it is yet again more travel. Tense travel, to be sure, but I feel just so DONE with the "getting there" part. I am getting close to done with the "arriving just to be shot at" parts, too.

Yup, yuppity, yup, yup, yup. I'm running out of responses. I understand 

On 13/12/2019 at 0:53 AM, industrialistDragon said:

The pregnancy ruse does feel a little hackneyed, but then it is Q, and that feels decently on-brand for him. Ref says, I'll allow it. ;) However, the two checkpoints back-to-back feels a little superfluous, no matter how accurate it would normally be. Maybe one can be summarized, so that there's only one that has "reading time" spent on it?

This is certainly fair comment. I'l most certainly look at summarising one of the checkpoint encounters.

On 13/12/2019 at 0:53 AM, industrialistDragon said:

am also slightly unclear what Q wants with Mor at this point, other than to kill the man himself. To double check the information on his son that the voice gives him? But then, why would Mor tell Q the truth? Corroborating a untrustworthy source with a less trustworthy one seems a little pointless to me.

The comment came specifically from the POV of M being able to clear Q of the murder of R. I've tagged it now.

On 13/12/2019 at 0:53 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I am also still fairly flummoxed by how all the businesses fit together and where Q fits (used to fit?) into all of it.

As I think everyone knows by now, I plan to sharpen up all references to Q's son; TOM; M/C; E-C; and Gen in the course of the next edit. However the short answer (per my comment to Mandamon) is that E-C is D*i*s*n*e*y and Gen is P*i*x*a*r.

On 13/12/2019 at 0:53 AM, industrialistDragon said:

"I’d have though you want" -- I'd have thought you wanted? I've have thought you'd want?  I'd have thought you'd have wanted?

Oops. Thanks :) That was just all the clumsy that phrasing. Changed to "Don’t you want to plant one on him too?"

On 13/12/2019 at 0:53 AM, industrialistDragon said:

It's a weirdly cutesy note to end the super tense life-or-death gunfight and race-to-save-two-women-from-an-evil-meanie-murderer chapter on, so it really stands out.

Right. That's two in the 'no' column then :unsure: 

Great comments. A thousand thanks, Dragon :) 

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Hey @Sarah B, thank you so much for taking the trouble to catch up. That was quite the task and I really appreciate it. I very much look forward to going through your the comments that you emailed.

In terms of this chapter:

On 14/12/2019 at 0:28 AM, Sarah B said:

Near the 50% mark; 'the moon would betray than' needs to be changed to 'them'

Reworded, thanks.

On 14/12/2019 at 0:28 AM, Sarah B said:

Roll neck sweater: I've never heard this term, is this a turtle neck? Maybe my lack of fashion is showing :-)

Hah. I thought I was using interchangeable terms, and this was a turtle neck, as you say. But in double checking in response to your question, I found this:

R193leadhoneyoat__84164.1497611374_1280_1280.thumb.jpg.64bbc437e908fae634715cc9903ddbcf.jpg

This does not appear to me to be a turtle neck, but something different. Although, when you non-specific-search-engine the term 'roll neck' you get plenty of hits that look like what I would call a turtle neck.

On 14/12/2019 at 0:28 AM, Sarah B said:

Not sure how to abbreviate his name so Mr. Robot sometimes called Q mister and sometimes just Q in this chapter. I'm not sure if this was intentional but it doesn't seem to follow a pattern.

This is a good point. Back in Book 1 there's a bit where Q specifies what he wants 8(0) to call him, and there's a point (in Book 1) at which he changes that command (the reasons for which I cannot quite remember). Anyway here, you are quite right to say that there is a lack of consistency. I've done a search-and-replace and fixed the instances in this book. Thank you, good call :) 

On 14/12/2019 at 0:28 AM, Sarah B said:

Also, I kind of like death sparkles. It doesnt match the other names in tone at all, but especially if they have some element to them that includes electricity or other sparkle element I'll buy it.

Well cool! I do believe that's two to one now. It's more a case of scintillation that actual electricity, although...... having this crossed with an electric eel too would be really wicked. I love it!! (Note to self: Consider introducing actual electrical damage to the D/S.)

Thank you again. These comments are very helpful thumbs-up.jpg.d8b8bba74c5791aa9726fbda9ef29068.jpg

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Thanks for reading, Kais. Comments much appreciated.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

At first I thought, oh, another travel chapter. But then it paid off big time at the end and we got DEATH SPARKLES and I am quite happy.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

I'm the only one who liked the death sparkles, apparently. I love them. No shame.

I'm counting SarahB in the 'yes' column, so your vote makes it 2-2 (sorry, another sports analogy)! I feel that you liked it so much, maybe your vote should count twice! But, I think SSmooth has the deciding vote* here.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

I like the searching though I wish they'd turned up a few bigger clues before the firefight.

That was the case in an earlier version, then I though it did not have sufficient momentum, hence the attack. The first one felt too much like searching the scientist's home in Book One. I'll consider giving them something more to find in B/MR's house.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

I think this was a solid movement towards the ending. although maybe WRS but why do they think T is there? Do they think she's being hidden away? I thought she had gotten away from the GMOs and was maybe hiding out? Are we to intuit that she was picked up by Mor et al. and secreted away?

BR has a line about TT being with Mer. That's a long time ago. I'll wait till I get a complete alpha before ripping up too much, but the idea was that MR took TT away from the house because of a warning from BR before he was killed. It's probably not clear enough, and I may need to plant a line further back, in the hospital room scene.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

I love the interplay between Q and E and would love to see it punched up even more. I think they make great semi-foils for one another, but also sort of two sides of the same coin. Like those two with M would make a heck of a crime fighting team!

Well, I... won't say anything more just now other than the thought did enter my head at the time.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:
On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

I want to start seeing some sort of payoff for all the traveling they've had to do to get to this point.

I'll agree with this. It'd be nice to find something of note at the house

Yeah, see above.

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

- pg 3: oh I love the 'i don't do sports' interplay, noting their respective sides of the queer spectrum. Quality queer content there

:D 

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

- pg 7: “Huh,” said Q. “You’ve…” “Sorry,” she grumbled. “I’m <-- I don't understand this interchange. Why does she back down so quickly?

Yeah. I was implying that E had gone through childbirth. My response to Mandamon above was:

59 minutes ago, Robinski said:
On 12/12/2019 at 3:02 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: “But I’m intrigued, you mentioned pregnancy pain…”
--would anyone really ask this? There are a whole host of issues that could be brought up by asking this.

This is a good point. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was looking to inject character for E, but probably she has plenty of that, enough without this somewhat random point.

So, do you think it's may too much / unnecessary?

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

- pg 8: M GOT A GUN!

And she knows how to use it...

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

- pg 11: For the first time, Q considered that M and T were already dead. <-- does he have emotions about this?

He darn well should have. I can be really lazy about tying down character emotions when I should. I've punched it up a bit, Thanks for the throwing a flag on that... oh, sorry :P 

On 16/12/2019 at 1:55 AM, kais said:

- DEATH SPARKLES!!!

Yeah, that's definitely two votes, maybe three.

Great comments. Thanks so much! :) 

( * - This is not a democracy. My rules rule! )

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Thank for reading, SSmooth, and for the comments.

On 20/12/2019 at 4:48 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

So I really like this chapter and am having trouble coming up with things to critique about it. I think it had a good balance of humor, action, and some seriousness. 

*fist pump*

On 20/12/2019 at 4:48 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Death sparkles. Yes. That name is perfect. 

And the 'ayes' have it three to two!!! (And I'd already decided to keep it. Bit Mandamon's point about where it lands in the chapter is something I will puzzle over for a bit.)

On 20/12/2019 at 4:48 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I admit, I rolled my eyes at the mention of Tom Brady and comebacks, but this is purely out of personal bias as a New Englander who does not like sports and after one aforementioned comeback got so sick of hearing about Tom Brady. I suppose people will still remember him in 80ish years. I had no clue who the other sports player was, but that was okay, because obviously Q didn't either. :)

Yeah, Tom Brady makes me roll my eyes now too, and I follow the NFL off and on. 

On 20/12/2019 at 4:48 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I found one typo:

"...would betray than to any..."

Thanks. I'm so pathetic that I couldn't find it when SarahB mentioned it, because it's way past my bedtime but, for once, I'm putting in a bit of a writing shift. It is most definitely fixed now!! Thank you both. 

On 20/12/2019 at 4:48 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Re your note about it/he for the kid mirroring the droid: I picked up on that without seeing your note. The son was some kind of clone, right? Q is questioning whether or not that counts as human?

In a fairly non-scientifically rigorous way, yes. Glad that came through :) 

Great comments. Thank SSmooth. Much appreciated.

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As I read:

P2 “said D not missing a beat” - should be a comma after D’s name.

I’m somewhat sceptical of them getting past the roadblock so easily. It also makes me wonder what the point of the roadblock is, aside from the one-hour time limit, which honestly seems like the least of everybody’s concerns. It doesn’t really even add any new obstacles, since Q and M are already in trouble with the police.

P3 “Seems like nerves of steel are a prime requisite” prerequisite?

“Penny from heaven,” and Q just accused E of overreacting?! :P

Not quite sure why Q is so hung up on E’s comments about pregnancy. I know she’s already mentioned she’s gay, but people have children for all kinds of reasons.

Bottom of p7, “didn’t miss a beat,” should be full stop rather than a comma here.

So literally throwing shotguns at people is, uh, generally a fairly terrible idea (and equally terrible trigger discipline, but maybe D just doesn't care about that).

“He rights a tight ship … H.M.S. Pinafore.” I giggled.

“For the first time, Q considered that M and T were already dead.” Might make more sense to say something like “allowed himself to consider;” this can’t be the first time Q has wondered if he might be too late.

Okay, so I like Q introducing himself but, just “I’m Q, you’re in danger” doesn’t seem like a much better first impression than just wandering in with a shotgun. I would think Q would think to reference that he’d been working with R.

“You’ve lost your keys before, I guess” Hah.

P13 “M’s will have been...” either “M” or “M’s people” here.

I love the image of the new beasties being introduced at the end of the chapter, and I’m glad that we’re seeing more of them, but I’m also starting to wonder what possible utility some of the creatures Gen has created could have. Also, if they have an assault team, wouldn't it be easier to just, you know, shoot them?

Overall:

I don’t have a ton to say about this chapter that I haven’t said about previous ones. I’m very glad that we’re finally getting to Me’s house and I’m glad M seems to have some evidence that she’ll presumably be able to take with us onto the next chapter. The beginning of the chapter did still feel rather like an “oh, more travel” chapter, which I think contributed to the fact that the checkpoints didn’t really build tension in the way that I would have liked them to.

On 12/12/2019 at 7:02 AM, Mandamon said:

I still thought the first half of the chapter dragged, getting through all the (literal) roadblocks

Yep. The first half of the chapter felt long.

On 12/12/2019 at 7:02 AM, Mandamon said:

I want to start seeing some sort of payoff for all the traveling they've had to do to get to this point.

Hmm. Mixed feelings here. I sort of felt it too, but at the same time, they didn't come away with nothing; M's got the pictures, whatever those are. But it's fair to say that's more the promise of payoff than a payoff itself; and, for as long as it's taken us to get here; I'm definitely hoping they're something fairly dramatic. Maybe we, potentially through M's dialogue, could get a glimpse of the actual pictures and a sense of their importance to the plot. (Don't want much, do I?) Heck, there's no reason they couldn't have time to give the pictures a good once-over through before being rudely interrupted by Team Death Fish.

On 12/12/2019 at 7:02 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: “Little lady pregnant? Was that the best you could do..."
--I mean,it worked, didn't it? This seems overplayed compared with Q and E's relationship the rest of this chapter.

I felt this a bit too. Certainly worth an eyeroll at least, but this felt like a bit much. On the other hand I also kind of wanted to slap Q when he slid his arm around her waist before they talked to the soldiers, so this was kind of satisfying anyway. :P

On 12/15/2019 at 5:55 PM, kais said:

I'm the only one who liked the d / s, apparently. I love them. No shame.

You were not.

On 12/19/2019 at 8:48 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

D / s. Yes. That name is perfect. 

 

On 12/15/2019 at 5:55 PM, kais said:

- D S !!!

Ahem. I feel like that's all I really need to say on the matter. I mean, worst comes to worst, you could always hang a lantern on it. It seems perfectly in-character for Q to have an "are you serious" moment as he comes face to face with a death much more ridiculous than he presumably ever anticipated.

Edit: Better yet, have M do it. I could see her hearing the name and yelling, "(expletive) really?!"

On 12/12/2019 at 4:53 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I am also still fairly flummoxed by how all the businesses fit together and where Q fits (used to fit?) into all of it. 

I'm actually pretty okay with this. The relationships between the businesses is now pretty clear to me (I'll admit, I think it took a little while to quite catch on). I wasn't sure how seriously to take E's comment about Q's son being an "heir" to the business; she seems to make it fairly seriously, but it's not really a given these days that businesses will be inherited by children/grandchildren. I do think that punching up the references to Q's son throughout the manuscript can only be a benefit, in general.

20 hours ago, Robinski said:

BR has a line about TT being with Mer. That's a long time ago. I'll wait till I get a complete alpha before ripping up too much, but the idea was that MR took TT away from the house because of a warning from BR before he was killed.

I certainly picked up on TT being with Mer, but I think BR having said that he warned them during the hospital scene would help, yes. Certainly assuming that TT and Mer are still there would be a little unrealistic; maybe the text should be clearer that Q and company are searching for clues, not necessarily expecting to find the people themselves?

 

Edited by Silk
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Hey Silk, many thanks for reading.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

I’m somewhat sceptical of them getting past the roadblock so easily. It also makes me wonder what the point of the roadblock is, aside from the one-hour time limit, which honestly seems like the least of everybody’s concerns. It doesn’t really even add any new obstacles, since Q and M are already in trouble with the police.

Yeah, okay. Fair point. I was trying to show the group interacting and working together, also inject some more tension/time factor, but I can accept that possibly it's not needed. I'll think on that.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

P3 “Seems like nerves of steel are a prime requisite” prerequisite?

Yes, okay, and saves a word!!

4 hours ago, Silk said:

“Penny from heaven,” and Q just accused E of overreacting?! :P

:lol: Voulez-vous en peu plus de fromage, M. Q?

4 hours ago, Silk said:

Not quite sure why Q is so hung up on E’s comments about pregnancy. I know she’s already mentioned she’s gay, but people have children for all kinds of reasons.

 Yeah, see my response above to Mandamon...

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

This is a good point. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was looking to inject character for E, but probably she has plenty of that, enough without this somewhat random point.

I'm going to cut it: unnecessary, think.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

Bottom of p7, “didn’t miss a beat,” should be full stop rather than a comma here.

And it's a reparation of D's reaction on P2. I've changed it to avoid repetition. Good catch.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

So literally throwing shotguns at people is, uh, generally a fairly terrible idea (and equally terrible trigger discipline, but maybe D just doesn't care about that).

Yeah, I went for the Hollywood moment, but actually I've watched quite a number of 'instructional' vids, and obviously have not seen anyone doing this! I'll think on it.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

“He rights a tight ship … H.M.S. Pinafore.” I giggled.

:D 

4 hours ago, Silk said:

“For the first time, Q considered that M and T were already dead.” Might make more sense to say something like “allowed himself to consider;” this can’t be the first time Q has wondered if he might be too late.

Good suggestion. Done.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

Okay, so I like Q introducing himself but, just “I’m Q, you’re in danger” doesn’t seem like a much better first impression than just wandering in with a shotgun. I would think Q would think to reference that he’d been working with R.

You're right. It's pretty lazy writing around there. I've fixed Q's dialogue up a bit here.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

P13 “M’s will have been...” either “M” or “M’s people” here.

Check. I like the word 'goon'.

4 hours ago, Silk said:

I love the image of the new beasties being introduced at the end of the chapter, and I’m glad that we’re seeing more of them, but I’m also starting to wonder what possible utility some of the creatures Gen has created could have. Also, if they have an assault team, wouldn't it be easier to just, you know, shoot them?

Stop it! You're spoiling my fun with your darn ironclad logic :angry:  

:lol: ...but you make a very fair and reasonable point, of course. While I have in no way foreshadowed it, but can do, I imagine a world where crime scene / ballistic forensics are hugely advanced and can quickly tie any particular shooting not only to a gun, but to a person. In fact, I'm going to have to go back through both books are retcon what could be a good future tech angle (g-u-n control). Doesn't matter that much for TMM, but I think maybe it should come more into this story. Anyway, where I was coming from here was that they were trying to engineer plausible deniability, sort of. 

11 hours ago, Silk said:

The beginning of the chapter did still feel rather like an “oh, more travel” chapter, which I think contributed to the fact that the checkpoints didn’t really build tension in the way that I would have liked them to.

Mmm, hmm. Okay.

11 hours ago, Silk said:

I felt this a bit too. Certainly worth an eyeroll at least, but this felt like a bit much. On the other hand I also kind of wanted to slap Q when he slid his arm around her waist before they talked to the soldiers, so this was kind of satisfying anyway. :P

Phew, okay, I'll take that :) 

11 hours ago, Silk said:

Ahem. I feel like that's all I really need to say on the matter. I mean, worst comes to worst, you could always hang a lantern on it. It seems perfectly in-character for Q to have an "are you serious" moment as he comes face to face with a death much more ridiculous than he presumably ever anticipated.

Edit: Better yet, have M do it. I could see her hearing the name and yelling, "(expletive) really?!"

Ooh, yes. I will experiment with some alternative lines here.

And, yay. I think that's 4-2 in favour of D/S! I just goggled it and it seems there is a hour anthology by that name, but that so ain't what we have here, so I am untroubled and will press on regardless. T-shirts all round (pink, of course).

11 hours ago, Silk said:

I'm actually pretty okay with this. The relationships between the businesses is now pretty clear to me (I'll admit, I think it took a little while to quite catch on). I wasn't sure how seriously to take E's comment about Q's son being an "heir" to the business; she seems to make it fairly seriously, but it's not really a given these days that businesses will be inherited by children/grandchildren. I do think that punching up the references to Q's son throughout the manuscript can only be a benefit, in general.

Yes, you're quite right, of course, family business is increasingly less of a thing. It's a throwaway line in a draft and it's still there, but, well, does it go anywhere? Is it doing any heavy lifting? If not, I will more than likely ditch it.

Most excellent comments. Thank you so much, Silk :) 

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3 hours ago, Robinski said:

I was trying to show the group interacting and working together, also inject some more tension/time factor

I mean, I think this could work. The problem right now is that the consequences of the time limit aren't really different than the consequences the characters aren already facing; Q&M are already in legal trouble, and we're not really expecting that Mer and TT will actually be at Mer's house by the time the gang shows up. It would be different if, say, they had a reasonable chance of actually beating Mor to the punch (and we got some sort of reminder in the text that Mor was getting closer, but not there yet). Or perhaps if something happened that make them think that Mer's house might be cleared of evidence (although presumably that could have happened already as well).

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

:lol: Voulez-vous en peu plus de fromage, M. Q?

Indeed :P

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

Stop it! You're spoiling my fun with your darn ironclad logic :angry: 

It's a bad habit, I'll admit!

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

:lol: ...but you make a very fair and reasonable point, of course. While I have in no way foreshadowed it, but can do, I imagine a world where crime scene / ballistic forensics are hugely advanced and can quickly tie any particular shooting not only to a gun, but to a person.

With proper foreshadowing and maybe a lantern hung on it, I could buy this, I think. It's definitely not the case now. If nothing else there's the hospital scene where Q&M run off because it's possible for Mor to sneak in and frame them. I know that's not about guns specifically, but presumably if ballistics are that advanced then other technologies related to state surveillance are keeping place. And even though the framing doesn't end up holding up already, Q and M taking off definitely doesn't give an impression that the technology is so advanced they can definitely prove their innocence.

The hospital scene is probably one of your best opportunities to amp that all up in book 2. And then, especially given you've mentioned you want more of a ticking clock during the Great Canadian Roadtrip (this is what I'm calling it and you can't make me stop, darn it), maybe Q and M make a deliberate decision to escape because the 12-24 hours or whatever that it takes for surveillance tech to exonerate them means they'll still be getting to Mer and TT 12-24 hours too late?

As for tying specific shootings to specific guns and individuals: How does that technology work? Does a gun only shoot when tied to a specific individual, and if so, is M going to be able to shoot that shotgun of hers? Do the guns maybe detect the fingerprint of whomever's holding the trigger and record it so that the shooter can be identified that way (which sounds very expensive), and if so, could that potentially identify Q and M to law enforcement officials as being in this area? Is that something that might happen fairly immediately since they're being looked for? 

Aaaand now I'm imagining all the ways in which that kind of system could be hacked, which... yikes. But hey, that's a rabbit hole we probably don't need to go down for this story. Probably. ;)

Edited by Silk
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On 12/21/2019 at 3:36 PM, Robinski said:

So, do you think it's may too much / unnecessary?

I don't know if pregnancy info is relevant for the character, unless it's plot relevant?

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30 minutes ago, kais said:

I don't know if pregnancy info is relevant for the character, unless it's plot relevant?

Nah, I’m going to cut it. I think there’s enough E character without it. Thanks!

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