A bright new day (WIP)

[TheBFG37]

Helena hopped out of the cab, excitement practically glowing on her face. It was her first day in the big city, but she already knew that she loved it. The people, the buildings. There was something magical about it. Of course, she thought that about a lot of things that were new to her. She began to make her way down the street, the spring in her step making her copper earnings bounce. She always wore them. They contained important information. Though, others would probably have a different definition of ”important” than her. Regardless, if she hadn't put those memories in them she probably would have forgotten them ages ago. She was infamous back home for her atrocious memory, only the things she stored in a coppermind would she be able to recall. Her mother lovingly called her “my forgetful archivist”. 

She shook herself back to the present, to the buildings that stretched to infinity. She reached into one of her earrings and pulled out the time of her appointment. 2:30 at the Elendel public library. She had an interview for a job there. Her Feruchemical abilities had no doubt had a hand in helping her land this job. She shoved the note back into her earring, Helena still had plenty of time before she had to be there. She could explore the city.

After wondering a couple of blocks she spotted a cafe. It was shoved into a corner on the bottom floor of a skyscraper, like a book underneath the leg of a table to make it stop wobbling. Inside she was surprised to find not many people. One would think that in such a big city like this with so many people, shops like this would always have a huge line. 
Behind the counter a bored looking young woman stood with her forearms resting on the countertop. Her name tag read “Selrith”. What an odd name. Helena paused, noticing the dauntingly large menu. She had definitely never seen its like back home, with what looked like over fifty different variations of coffee alone. Not to mention all the other beverages listed. Daunted, she decided to just get a pastry instead. She looked down at the display and found the confections to be of little relief to her conundrum. 
“You new in town?” The girl behind the counter asked in an amused voice. 
Helena nodded sheepishly. “That obvious huh?” 
The girl snickered, “Yeah, I’ve never seen anyone so terrified of pastries before.”

“In my defense, that is way too many flavors of coffee. What even is a ‘thugs morning brew’?”

”It’s basically a regular cup of coffee with some pewter flakes sprinkled in for an extra kick. I have to ID for that one for obvious reasons.” 

”Okay but still there’s just so many!”
Selrith chuckled, ”Do you need help deciding?” 
Helena let out a defeated sigh. ”Yes, please.”
 

[Silverbard]

I like the idea of this story... alchemical abilities, being able to store memories and notes in pieces of metal, etc.  I also get a weird sense that it’s almost set in present day (I could be completely wrong...) but in my mind I like that mix. 
 

I would say, however, that there is a lot of passive voice in this WIP.  I’m sure it’s a rough draft and so I won’t go into too much detail about it... but perhaps try to show us more of what’s going on from her perspective rather than telling us about it?  
 

One of the ways I try to do this is by cutting any filter words I come across... “he saw”, “they started”, “She wondered”... etc...  first I look at any place I find these moments and ask myself if there is any way I can change it to be more active.  Ex: instead of “she saw the cat run across the road and tried to stop it.” One might write:

“The cat raced across the street, just as a bright red Lexus flung itself around the corner. 
      Susan gasped. “Kitty!” She reached towards the running feline, panic gripping her chest.”

Idk... that might not have been the best example. *shrug*

Another thing I sometimes do is try to write the scene in first person and see if that doesn’t help me write more active scenes.  I love writing in third limited, but sometimes trying to write the same scene in first person helps me feel like I’m part of what’s going on, and therefore helps me make the scene more active.

Edited January 24, 2020 by Silverbard