Robinski - 191126 - TCC Chapter 14 (20) - 3323 words (LVG)

[Robinski]

Hi everybody!!

Here is the next instalment of the story. Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated. Anything and everything is fair game.

Best, Robinski

 

Chapter Summary:

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;

02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;

03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT;

04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem

05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;

06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;

07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;

08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;

09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;

10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;

11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;

12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;

13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.

14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.

15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves.

16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos.

17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future.

18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 

19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time.

[Mandamon]

Good character development and dialogue in this one, and I'm glad Q&M and E are finally together, but they still spent most of this chapter getting there. I'm a bit confused as to what exactly their plan is. I thought at the beginning of the chapter it was to defeat DM and/or find the mystery caller, but now it seems to be to go monster hunting?

Also, I have no idea who D is and why he's suddenly part of the team. This chapter seems like it's veering away from the buildup and mystery of the last couple chapters. 

Interested to see where this is going and how much more story there is. I assume we're wrapping up, but this chapter introduces a new goal for our heroes to me.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "I know where all the pieces are"
--is this coming through the android, or over the ship coms?

pg 3: "You can shatter skulls with a lever...Fulcrum just sits on his chull and hopes to be useful one day"
--I appreciate this, as an engineer.

pg 3: "Everyone else is gone, and I get the short straw again."
--yeah, I really feel like I should know who this is, and I'm feeling stupid as a reader for not knowing. It should be going the other direction, that the reader feels smart and knows things just ahead of the characters.

pg 4: "Okay, I grimace in the face of danger."
--lol

pg 4: "I’ll show you I’m good"
--I"m not sure why the mystery caller is now eager to show Q&M they're good.

pg 5: "But her harsh words ended in a broad smile, and he returned it."
--good banter

pg 6: "The heavily bearded individual with her"
--did we know she found a companion or is this WRS?

pg 7: "“This place must be rife with mosquitos...G eradicated them.”
--great exchange

pg 7: “MTs incoming!” 
--wait, what? How did they get here? and why are they hunting E?

pg 8: "The MTs stayed down"
--I feel like this is sort of a letdown. They've been touted as a sort of apex predator and they go down pretty easily. Given they're against armed people who know what they're doing, but still...no one was really in danger.

pg 8: “You’re D?” 
--Should we know who this is?

pg 9: "If T’s alive"
--I feel like this should warrant a much larger comment from E. Did she know T was alive?

pg 10: "But D’s a plumber…”
--still very confused where he came from.

pg 10: "I was DM’s partner for six months.”
--huh. I was thinking it was much longer than that.

pg 10: “You’re…?”
--Does E know anything about DM's employer? Enough that she would get the meaning from M talking about "the boss?"

pg 11: “He’s my friend. That’s enough for some people.” 
--yeah, I'm sort of with M on this one. I have no idea who D is.

pg 11: “No really, a shotgun, please?”
--lol

pg 12: "but she shook off his grip and pumped her shotgun as she jumped to the frozen ground."
--Why? They're in a van. Just drive off, or drive over them if you really need them dead.

pg 12: "The beasts contemplated the noisy humans for a moment longer"
--so did they shoot *at* the monsters or just near them? What just happened?

pg 13: “These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment."
--not sure why this is even a conversation. There isn't really any mention of sexual preferences as bias in this book except for DM, and he doesn't count.

pg 13: "That leaves about over one hundred fifty terra-fauna out there.”
--that is a lot more than I was expecting.

[Silk]

As I read:

Q’s been shot. Wouldn’t those gentle yoga stretches hurt kind of a lot?

P2: I’m already entirely confident that ID’s and my tinfoil hat theories have been confirmed. And I have the feeling that M’s figured it out, too? Q, meanwhile, clearly remains completely oblivious, which I find both adorable and infuriating. That said… it’s also pretty reasonable.

“Oh well, no matter. I laugh in the face of danger,” he tried to smile reassuringly.
“No, you ... don’t,” M observed. “I’ve seen you in action.”
Fantastic.

Huh. E has a friend. I was not expecting that.

In the description of E’s friend, “This one was shorter than him...” I had trouble parsing this particular sentence at first, and I think it’s because the antecedent is grammatically “him” as in whoever E’s friend is, when here it’s supposed to mean Q himself.

“This place must be rife with mosquitos.” I’m assuming this means bugs of the technical variety, since clearly there aren’t actual mosquitos; but all things considered, why is E so sure that G would have extradited them all?

I get that it’s Mor and TOM who are the real enemy here, but for as much of a bugbear as the MTs were made out to be, I was hoping they would—not necessarily put up more of a fight, but figure more into the arrival into YK. More of a fight, or an extended game of cat-and-mouse, or something. They’re literally the device that is being used to justify bringing in the National Guard and perpetuate electoral fraud; the actual creatures should, I think, be more of a factor.

And yes, I realise there are probably more of them, so for all I know this is bait and switch and there’s a much bigger MT threat on the way. Still a bit disappointing to see two of them defeated so quickly.

Nitpicky, but was also surprised to see the MTs in the town itself. We’d been given the impression previously that they were a little ways out.

P8 “he did not feel like laughing” needs a period at the end. Just after that: “R said T is with his wife, Me at...” Should be a comma after Me’s name.

All of this and Q says he owes Mor a bloody nose? Is that just stereotypical European restraint or do I need to grab Q by the collar and shake him a bit? Because I want this climax to result in rather more than a bloody nose.

P9 “He’s totting a piece...” should be “toting.”

Overall: I don’t really have much to add. It would be nice to have some idea of who D is and how he ties into this whole mess. I think the chapter was good after all, and was going good places. I remain extremely anxious for them to get to R’s freaking house already, but at this point I think that might be sort of a cumulative effect of the Great Canadian Road Trip.

 

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

I thought at the beginning of the chapter it was to defeat DM and/or find the mystery caller, but now it seems to be to go monster hunting?

Hmm, I didn't really have a problem with this - "shotguns for everyone" seems like a fairly reasonable response to the revelation that there are 150 genetically modified beasties running around the city--but I can see why you would have. The actual goal is clear, they're finally going to R's house, but is sort of lost in the noise of the MT attack and remaining dialogue. Maybe a reminder of where they're heading nearer the end with the chapter?

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "I’ll show you I’m good"
--I"m not sure why the mystery caller is now eager to show Q&M they're good.

Join the tinfoil hat club and the characterization makes a lot more sense! That, or I am shortly about to feel extremely betrayed by my own confirmation bias.

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "But her harsh words ended in a broad smile, and he returned it."
--good banter

Yeah, dialogue and character wise, there was a lot of good stuff in this chapter. This bit in particular I thought was a nice cap to M's outburst from the previous chapter.

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: “You’re D?” 
--Should we know who this is?

It's on the van, but I stumbled over this a bit too.

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "The beasts contemplated the noisy humans for a moment longer"
--so did they shoot *at* the monsters or just near them? What just happened?

Since they don't attack humans, I was likewise unclear why they needed to be chased off.

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: “These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment."
--not sure why this is even a conversation. There isn't really any mention of sexual preferences as bias in this book except for DM, and he doesn't count.

Hmm, I don't know. That was a rather large part of what DM was holding over T in the beginning of the book, if memory serves. Although, yeah, DM doesn't count.

Edited November 29, 2019 by Silk

[industrialistDragon]

I liked this chapter a lot, it had some really good character beats... but it is still more travel. They arrive at a place, meet their traveling companions and agree to travel some more. It is... frustrating? sort of, to be annoyed by the good travel parts like this. It makes me feel a little sad, too. I want more time with this set of characters doing things than the travel that I've received in the earlier parts of the book. 

"You can shatter skulls with a lever"  -- oh, this is a very good set of lines!

 

"Maybe that could have been me" -- Is it really a crazy conspiracy theory if it turns out to be true? This part going forward is nice and hinty; add a bit more chances for me to form/confirm my theories in-text in the beginning parts of the story and this'll be really great, meaty reveal. 

 

"I’m treated no better than lab equipment"  -- hmmmm... My money's still on son as mystery voice but all of these allusions also fit wife, so I can't rule her out entirely.  otoh, son has been confirmed to be more than "flavor" and a detail for Q to angst over, but the wife really hasn't. Wife would be an interesting take on the woman-in-a-detective's-past-that-causes-him-pain, but son has far more in-text hints, and would pair better as a foil with M. Hmm! 

 

Put me in the "feeling rather let down by the MT's debut and subsequent disposal" camp as well. They were built up as being so intense and scary! They're not even treated to a fun description block from Q's POV, they're just summarily executed with a couple of shotgun hits, not even from E (whom we know and would cheer for), but from a random dude who's just appeared, and then everything moves on. I don't have a problem with E picking up some local help, especially with your stated intent to show good samaritans giving aid, but it does make him seem a bit convenient to have him be the one the text focuses on for this part. 

 

I am also slightly confused why E needed Q to help her scare off the dinos. I don't mind that the dinos are making an appearance to remind us they're out there, but it's just striking me as odd that they react to two shotguns when one didn't faze them. I don't know. 

 

[kais]

I'm not technically late because it isn't technically Monday yet. So...HAH!

Overall

Much enjoyed! Loved getting to see some of the animals finally, and some action, and our heroes coming together. Only a few notes, and one longish one on queer culture we can get into more if you'd like. Thanks for a fun read! Now let's get to the bottom of things and go kill some dinosaurs!

On 11/26/2019 at 6:54 AM, Mandamon said:

yeah, I really feel like I should know who this is, and I'm feeling stupid as a reader for not knowing. It should be going the other direction, that the reader feels smart and knows things just ahead of the characters.

I had this same issue

On 11/28/2019 at 10:08 PM, Silk said:

Join the tinfoil hat club

Did I miss something? Was their open enrollment and I missed it??

As I go

- pg 3: WRS? Do we know who MC is yet? The Old Man was a bluff, right?

- pg 4: Wait! I’ll show you I’m good <-- for some reason I read this first as Wait! I'll show you a good time! and thought, wow, this sure has taken a surprising turn!

- what is a nano-zip?

- pg 5: likely more WRS but why are they talking about E joining the agency?

- pg 6: will forever love the 'priceless princess' t-shirt

- pg 8: loving this early action! Very interested in why the things went right for Mo, too!

- pg 11: I'm a little disappointed there isn't a touch of internal monologue from Q about E being T's lover and therefore maybe not into men and therefore maybe not into him. I think the thought process would be hilarious, noting how full of himself Q can be sometimes

- pg 11: uh, so was M given a shotgun or....???

- pg 12: wouldn't Q be immediate with the why didn't the dinosaurs eat your face?? He just seems very calm

- pg 13: I thought it might just be gays they had no taste for.” <-- okay so, love this line, but .... Q is pretty bi. E should pick up on this, I'd think. Gaydar is a real thing. At the very least Mo should have a comment about it

- You heard when I said I was gay, right?” <-- why does this need reinforced? It's part of her character to be uncomfortable with her homosexuality, but Q wasn't making a pass at her with the vegan comment, right? If he was, I'd think it'd be more, "I only eat out, and when I do, it's only vegans," or something like that

- pg 13: These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment. <-- I would very nearly punch someone in the face if they said that to me after I came out to them. It's cool if Q is very sexuality fluid, but not validating someone else's identity is not cool. This is actually a big point of contention in the queer community, especially several years back. It's a generational breakdown issue, too, where the younger millennials tend to identify as without an identity, simply 'queer,' where older ones, Gen Xs, Boomers, etc., fought hard for those identities to be taken seriously and to be able to say them out loud. The whole 'okay but just love the person not the genitalia' is currently being tossed around by some trans activists and (right or wrong, this isn't the place to have the discussion) and it's another one of those identity/sexuality/gender issues that's just... very complex and intersectional. 

I guess what I'm saying is, it sounds like Q is saying 'yeah, you say you're gay but you could make a different choice later,' which makes me very much not like him. It's too close to 'you're a lesbian? But have you tried being with a man? Maybe you just haven't met the right one?'

- pg 13: oh good! Looks like M will get a shotgun!!

[Robinski]

Hey, @Mandamon, thank you for reading. Very much appreciated.

On 26/11/2019 at 2:54 PM, Mandamon said:

Good character development and dialogue in this one, and I'm glad Q&M and E are finally together, but they still spent most of this chapter getting there. I'm a bit confused as to what exactly their plan is. I thought at the beginning of the chapter it was to defeat DM and/or find the mystery caller, but now it seems to be to go monster hunting?

Okay, good, although I see your point about the chapter, but I didn't want them to be all pals straight away. I thought it was clear enough that they were going to Ro's house first, but maybe that didn't come through. I've put in a couple of short, more definitive statements about their intentions...

On 26/11/2019 at 2:54 PM, Mandamon said:

Also, I have no idea who D is and why he's suddenly part of the team. This chapter seems like it's veering away from the buildup and mystery of the last couple chapters.

...and I've put in another short line about D, just for context.

On 26/11/2019 at 2:54 PM, Mandamon said:

Interested to see where this is going and how much more story there is. I assume we're wrapping up, but this chapter introduces a new goal for our heroes to me.

Err, well, there's plenty. Although I'm hoping to cut into it more swingeingly. There are another eleven chapter and an epilogue  

On 26/11/2019 at 2:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "I know where all the pieces are"
--is this coming through the android, or over the ship coms?

Android. Have clarified, and I think added some spookiness. Thanks.

Quote

pg 3: "You can shatter skulls with a lever...Fulcrum just sits on his chull and hopes to be useful one day"
--I appreciate this, as an engineer.

 

Quote

pg 3: "Everyone else is gone, and I get the short straw again."
--yeah, I really feel like I should know who this is, and I'm feeling stupid as a reader for not knowing. It should be going the other direction, that the reader feels smart and knows things just ahead of the characters.

Hmm. This is a problem, sure enough. I don't want folks feeling like that. I feel there's enough information to guess, but not really to work it out. I will see how the other feel, but in any case, I'm happy to accept there is a need to rebalance the interjections from M/C as they appear through the story.

Quote

pg 4: "I’ll show you I’m good"
--I"m not sure why the mystery caller is now eager to show Q&M they're good.

Yeah, ok. See above.

Quote

pg 5: "But her harsh words ended in a broad smile, and he returned it."
--good banter

 

Quote

pg 6: "The heavily bearded individual with her"
--did we know she found a companion or is this WRS?

No, he's brand new here. I've tried to parse him in a little better, but probably need another go at it. I appreciate it's sudden.

Quote

pg 7: "“This place must be rife with mosquitos...G eradicated them.”
--great exchange

I'm so glad. Bringing them together was an important moment.

Quote

pg 7: “MTs incoming!” 
--wait, what? How did they get here? and why are they hunting E?

Right. If this is not ringing true, I will need to revise to convince the reader.

Quote

pg 8: "The MTs stayed down"
--I feel like this is sort of a letdown. They've been touted as a sort of apex predator and they go down pretty easily. Given they're against armed people who know what they're doing, but still...no one was really in danger.

Right, I've tried to punch up the attack a bit.

Quote

pg 8: “You’re D?” 
--Should we know who this is?

No, see above.

Quote

pg 9: "If T’s alive"
--I feel like this should warrant a much larger comment from E. Did she know T was alive?

I've made more of this. Good point.

Quote

pg 10: "But D’s a plumber…”
--still very confused where he came from.

Yeah, I don't know how much I want to make that a big thing.

Quote

pg 10: "I was DM’s partner for six months.”
--huh. I was thinking it was much longer than that.

Fair comments. I should be.

Quote

pg 10: “You’re…?”
--Does E know anything about DM's employer? Enough that she would get the meaning from M talking about "the boss?"

I think this is one of those things that I'm assuming everyone else would assume. It's common knowledge that TOM owns E/C, and that E/C owns Gen, so kind of like J-Bez in relation to a subsidiary of 4m4zon. DM is a known and (fairly) prominent employee of E/C (internally), so it would be known by E that DM's (ultimate) boss was TOM. This is maybe not coming over, of course.

Quote

pg 11: “He’s my friend. That’s enough for some people.” 
--yeah, I'm sort of with M on this one. I have no idea who D is.

Okay. I wanted him to be a kind of shadowy figure. Maybe that's not working.

Quote

pg 12: "but she shook off his grip and pumped her shotgun as she jumped to the frozen ground."
--Why? They're in a van. Just drive off, or drive over them if you really need them dead.

pg 12: "The beasts contemplated the noisy humans for a moment longer"
--so did they shoot *at* the monsters or just near them? What just happened?

They're supposed to be blocking the road, but as they are T/F killers, E doesn't want to 'waste' them.

Quote

pg 13: “These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment."
--not sure why this is even a conversation. There isn't really any mention of sexual preferences as bias in this book except for DM, and he doesn't count.

Okay. I was trying to throw some light on Q's own state of mind on preferences (which I know I've never been explicitly about). I guess this is causing an issue? I will garner the other views on this and see where I am at the end of this thread [Done: line changed.]

Quote

pg 13: "That leaves about over one hundred fifty terra-fauna out there.”
--that is a lot more than I was expecting.

In a good way? Maybe I need to hang a lantern on this earlier?

Great comments, as always. Thank you so much  

Edited December 20, 2019 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Err, well, there's plenty. Although I'm hoping to cut into it more swingeingly. There are another eleven chapter and an epilogue

Oh...okaaay. And we're already through chapter 19? I have a feeling the first Q&M was a lot shorter than this. If this is the case, I think most of the traveling chapters can go to make a much snappier book.

[Robinski]

Hey ID, thank for reading and commenting  

11 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I liked this chapter a lot, it had some really good character beats... but it is still more travel. They arrive at a place, meet their traveling companions and agree to travel some more. It is... frustrating? sort of, to be annoyed by the good travel parts like this. It makes me feel a little sad, too. I want more time with this set of characters doing things than the travel that I've received in the earlier parts of the book.

I understand. I'm going to be continuing to work at cutting the earlier parts (all the parts, actually), and the travel should be the easiest place to get cuts. I think sometimes I have in my mind that travel is a good opportunity for people to talk to each other, which no doubt doesn't help.

11 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

"You can shatter skulls with a lever"  -- oh, this is a very good set of lines!

 

21 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

"Maybe that could have been me" -- Is it really a crazy conspiracy theory if it turns out to be true? This part going forward is nice and hinty; add a bit more chances for me to form/confirm my theories in-text in the beginning parts of the story and this'll be really great, meaty reveal.

That's in my notes for the next edit.

21 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

"I’m treated no better than lab equipment"  -- hmmmm... My money's still on son as mystery voice but all of these allusions also fit wife, so I can't rule her out entirely.  otoh, son has been confirmed to be more than "flavor" and a detail for Q to angst over, but the wife really hasn't. Wife would be an interesting take on the woman-in-a-detective's-past-that-causes-him-pain, but son has far more in-text hints, and would pair better as a foil with M. Hmm!

 

21 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Put me in the "feeling rather let down by the MT's debut and subsequent disposal" camp

Yeah. I've ramped this up a bit. I think I might need to ramp the MT's debut in Q's POV some more.

21 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I am also slightly confused why E needed Q to help her scare off the dinos. I don't mind that the dinos are making an appearance to remind us they're out there, but it's just striking me as odd that they react to two shotguns when one didn't faze them. I don't know.

Well, she didn't need him, although I've just changed the wording around that, because it is misleading. He just went with her because she might have needed saving, I guess (see M's outburst from earlier).

Great comments. Thank you so much  

[Robinski]

14 hours ago, kais said:

I'm not technically late because it isn't technically Monday yet. So...HAH!

Well, it is in the UK!!!   But seriously, I am sooo far behind, so never worn about any (perceived) tardiness. I'm always just so glad to have your comment anyhow.

14 hours ago, kais said:

Much enjoyed! Loved getting to see some of the animals finally, and some action, and our heroes coming together. Only a few notes, and one longish one on queer culture we can get into more if you'd like. Thanks for a fun read! Now let's get to the bottom of things and go kill some dinosaurs!

Hurrah! Yeah, let's do it, let's definitely not get in a car and drive around YK  

14 hours ago, kais said:

I had this same issue

Mah, right. I accept the balance is not correct yet, and have flagged to work on this.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 3: WRS? Do we know who MC is yet? The Old Man was a bluff, right?

I think so. No. Yes.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 4: Wait! I’ll show you I’m good <-- for some reason I read this first as Wait! I'll show you a good time! and thought, wow, this sure has taken a surprising turn!

Err, hmm. I feel like this says more about you than my writing    

14 hours ago, kais said:

- what is a nano-zip?

No idea. Sounds cool though, right? Seriously though, I reckon it would be watertight, among other things. Silent? Really strong, of course. Would never to all the things that zippers do that we all hate.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 5: likely more WRS but why are they talking about E joining the agency?

I see your point. It wasn't supposed to come over that way here. I should have said 'working with the Q Agency' (i.e. alongside), rather than 'for'.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 6: will forever love the 'priceless princess' t-shirt

 

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 8: loving this early action! Very interested in why the things went right for Mo, too!

The weakest (to casual inspection, anyway!!  ). No sinister agenda.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 11: I'm a little disappointed there isn't a touch of internal monologue from Q about E being T's lover and therefore maybe not into men and therefore maybe not into him. I think the thought process would be hilarious, noting how full of himself Q can be sometimes

Mmm, okay. I've added a line of internal monologue, but I'm not convinced it sits comfortably in the narrative, and in his mindset at that point. We'll see.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 11: uh, so was M given a shotgun or....???

Not yet. Will clarify.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 12: wouldn't Q be immediate with the why didn't the dinosaurs eat your face?? He just seems very calm

Fair. I've added a couple of nervous ticks in.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 13: I thought it might just be gays they had no taste for.” <-- okay so, love this line, but .... Q is pretty bi. E should pick up on this, I'd think. Gaydar is a real thing. At the very least Mo should have a comment about it

I've tweaked a couple of tags to show E has doubts about his straightness.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- You heard when I said I was gay, right?” <-- why does this need reinforced? It's part of her character to be uncomfortable with her homosexuality, but Q wasn't making a pass at her with the vegan comment, right? If he was, I'd think it'd be more, "I only eat out, and when I do, it's only vegans," or something like that

Okay. I was going for the punchline, as always, but accept the set up is not quite right. I've tweaked this around a bit. I think it's better, thanks  

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 13: These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment. <-- I would very nearly punch someone in the face if they said that to me after I came out to them. It's cool if Q is very sexuality fluid, but not validating someone else's identity is not cool. This is actually a big point of contention in the queer community, especially several years back. It's a generational breakdown issue, too, where the younger millennials tend to identify as without an identity, simply 'queer,' where older ones, Gen Xs, Boomers, etc., fought hard for those identities to be taken seriously and to be able to say them out loud. The whole 'okay but just love the person not the genitalia' is currently being tossed around by some trans activists and (right or wrong, this isn't the place to have the discussion) and it's another one of those identity/sexuality/gender issues that's just... very complex and intersectional. 

I guess what I'm saying is, it sounds like Q is saying 'yeah, you say you're gay but you could make a different choice later,' which makes me very much not like him. It's too close to 'you're a lesbian? But have you tried being with a man? Maybe you just haven't met the right one?'

Ick. Yes, right. Editing. This with tied up with E being 'bi' in the original draft, but still... I'm going to PM you an edited version of this passage.

14 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 13: oh good! Looks like M will get a shotgun!!

 

Really appreciate those comments. Thank you very much!

[Robinski]

On 02/12/2019 at 11:50 AM, Mandamon said:

Oh...okaaay. And we're already through chapter 19? I have a feeling the first Q&M was a lot shorter than this. If this is the case, I think most of the traveling chapters can go to make a much snappier book.

This is now 118k, and will be more like 110k by the end of this edit, I hope. TMM is 89k (so TCC is almost exactly +33%, at the moment, but shrinking!).

Edited December 4, 2019 by Robinski

[shatteredsmooth]

On 11/26/2019 at 9:54 AM, Mandamon said:

Also, I have no idea who D is and why he's suddenly part of the team.

He did seem to come out of nowhere. That seems like something that should've been set up in one of E's POV chapters. 

On 11/26/2019 at 9:54 AM, Mandamon said:

Interested to see where this is going and how much more story there is. I assume we're wrapping up, but this chapter introduces a new goal for our heroes to me

Yeah. This chapter feels like, not a begining, exactly, but not quite what I'd expect when things could be getting wrapped up, either. Like if all the travel in-between was trimmed, and this came sooner, it would be great. Granted, I've been reading over a lot of weeks, and have taken a few breaks than played catch up, so it may just feel  more stretched out to me than it actually is. 

On 11/26/2019 at 9:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "Everyone else is gone, and I get the short straw again."
--yeah, I really feel like I should know who this is, and I'm feeling stupid as a reader for not knowing. It should be going the other direction, that the reader feels smart and knows things just ahead of the characters.

I kind of the same way, but this was also making me think that Q's dad was locked in that room or cell or whatever that no one was allowed to open...

On 11/26/2019 at 9:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "But D’s a plumber…”
--still very confused where he came from.

Same.

On 11/29/2019 at 1:08 AM, Silk said:

I get that it’s Mor and TOM who are the real enemy here, but for as much of a bugbear as the MTs were made out to be, I was hoping they would—not necessarily put up more of a fight, but figure more into the arrival into YK. More of a fight, or an extended game of cat-and-mouse, or something. They’re literally the device that is being used to justify bringing in the National Guard and perpetuate electoral fraud; the actual creatures should, I think, be more of a factor.

And yes, I realise there are probably more of them, so for all I know this is bait and switch and there’s a much bigger MT threat on the way. Still a bit disappointing to see two of them defeated so quickly.

Nitpicky, but was also surprised to see the MTs in the town itself. We’d been given the impression previously that they were a little ways out.

I've got kind of mixed feelings about this. The people being evacuated made me think that there would beasties in town. 

I didn't see the MTs alone as the device but more the start of a chain of events, and I think if they were a lot harder to defeat, then the death toll would be higher. 

I feel like either this is the right level of fight and they are in town, or if they are harder to take down, then maybe they shouldn't be so close to town. (assuming the level of fight was the same in the new version I read than the one you originally sent)

On 12/1/2019 at 11:53 PM, kais said:

- pg 11: I'm a little disappointed there isn't a touch of internal monologue from Q about E being T's lover and therefore maybe not into men and therefore maybe not into him. I think the thought process would be hilarious, noting how full of himself Q can be sometimes

 

I kept feeling like something was missing from the first meeting with Q & E. Maybe it was this. 

 

On 12/1/2019 at 11:53 PM, kais said:

- pg 13: I thought it might just be gays they had no taste for.” <-- okay so, love this line, but .... Q is pretty bi. E should pick up on this, I'd think. Gaydar is a real thing. At the very least Mo should have a comment about it

- You heard when I said I was gay, right?

I got tripped up in this whole exchange between the two of them, because it was like he was telling her he wasn't straight and she wasn't getting it.

It's also that kind of read-betweens-the-lines-metaphor-speak that I never get the first time I read it because I take things way too literally sometimes. After reading it a few times, I I was waiting for her to reply to his eating out metaphor with one of her own, especially since in an earlier chapter, I swear she said she said she was bi. But this could be WRS. I feel like having her reply in the same metaphor would've helped me make sure I "got it" too. 

On 12/1/2019 at 11:53 PM, kais said:

- pg 13: These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment.

It looks like you took this out of the version you sent me, which was a good choice. 

 

 

OK, so I guess I didn't really add anything new, but other people had already kind of said what I was going to. I liked this chapter, and liked that things are happening, and people are coming together. 

 

 

 

[Robinski]

Hey SSmooth, thank you for reading!

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

He did seem to come out of nowhere. That seems like something that should've been set up in one of E's POV chapters.

Yes, D needs some kind of introduction, or at least mention (once or twice) D earlier in proceedings.

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Yeah. This chapter feels like, not a begining, exactly, but not quite what I'd expect when things could be getting wrapped up, either. Like if all the travel in-between was trimmed, and this came sooner, it would be great. Granted, I've been reading over a lot of weeks, and have taken a few breaks than played catch up, so it may just feel  more stretched out to me than it actually is.

Whilst I am trimming the travel in this pass, and will aim to do so again in the next one, I'm hoping there is an element of WRS in the stretchy feeling. Having said that, I am trying to cut the remaining words down too, so this is closer to the end in a ramping up sort of way.

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I kind of the same way, but this was also making me think that Q's dad was locked in that room or cell or whatever that no one was allowed to open...

Yeah, I've tagged this for attention. Interesting theory.

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Same.

See above  

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I didn't see the MTs alone as the device but more the start of a chain of events, and I think if they were a lot harder to defeat, then the death toll would be higher. 

I feel like either this is the right level of fight and they are in town, or if they are harder to take down, then maybe they shouldn't be so close to town. (assuming the level of fight was the same in the new version I read than the one you originally sent)

This is certainly closer to the intention. I accept I need to address the encounter here. I've had one go at it, but need to take another pass or three.

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I kept feeling like something was missing from the first meeting with Q & E. Maybe it was this.

Yes, okay: add paragraph of Q internal monologue on meeting E [Done: internal monologue added]

23 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I was waiting for her to reply to his eating out metaphor with one of her own, especially since in an earlier chapter, I swear she said she said she was bi. But this could be WRS. I feel like having her reply in the same metaphor would've helped me make sure I "got it" too.

Ha, yes, this has been through revision. There is a call back to 'bi' later. I've just read the latest version of this exchange again, and tweaked it some more. I'll see how it plays as we go forward. Thanks for tagging. I've had another go at the dialogue between Q and E, adding some internal commentary.

On 19/12/2019 at 5:18 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

It looks like you took this out of the version you sent me, which was a good choice.

Yes, it's gone, Whilst, Q is an A(hole) sometimes, he's not without hope of redemption.

On 19/12/2019 at 5:18 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

OK, so I guess I didn't really add anything new, but other people had already kind of said what I was going to. I liked this chapter, and liked that things are happening, and people are coming together.

Not at all!! You prompted me to go back and look at some stuff that was floating around in free-fall, and I am much obliged for that