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Robinski

Robinski - 191113 - TCC Chapter 13 (19) - 3827 words (L)

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Hey everybody,

Here is another instalment of the story. I'm sorry it's a couple of days late because of... stuff.

Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated. Anything and everything is fair game.

Best, Robinski

 

Chapter Summary:

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;
13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.
14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.
15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves.
16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos.
17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future.
18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 
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I enjoyed that this had quite a bit more content in it pertaining to the plot. Some of the history rehash between Q&M felt like it could have come earlier, but it did lead to a good conclusion.

Now I'm greatly confused about two things:

1) Q is going toward his son? Or did I read that wrong? Is he the person captured by Gen?

2) Mystery Caller was pretending to be TOM, which, okay, but TOM was giving orders to DM, wasn't he? Because if that was this same person, then they've engineering everything and I have no idea what their motives are. I was assuming this was either one of the techs or the person locked up, but neither really has access to this level tech, or to the freedom to call. Plus extra confusion cross-reference with 1) above.

Seems like this is getting very close to tying things up, so I'm interested to see what's coming.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "Cunning, crazy, brave little..."
--is this is reference to her asking where they were going, or for rolling under the truck?

pg 3: "or maybe yapped was a better word"
--why?

pg 4: "Is his CPU in his butt?"
--lol

pg 5: "Towards his son."
--what now? If this means what I think it means, I feel this is something that has been seriously neglected before this point.

pg 7: "which T and now E could link Gen to"
---Can they link Gen. to election fraud? I haven't seen any connections they would know about, especially T, who's been hidden away this whole time for all we know.

pg 8: "The status of his relationship with M was similar."
--to what? Charging? The android?

pg 8: "“How about that?” She began to sob."
--Good character development, but I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Q&M are both diving into stuff that happened prior to and in the first book. Why now?

pg 9: "because the drone had visual sensors as all media hubs did."
--We can figure this out from context.

pg 10: "I think it’s all because you couldn’t save your wife.”
--ok, that's a good line.

pg 11: "That is a great relief to us all, I’m sure.”
--lol

pg 13: Does M know what's on the loose? Is that common knowledge yet? I don't recall Q&M learning exactly what is loose.

pg 13: “Why would he do that, if you’ve been pals for so long?” 
--Are they? Did he say at some point that they were?

pg 14: "“Nope, not once.” Mystery Caller reverted to his own voice."
--ok, more confused now. The whole thing was set up by this person? And we still don't know who it is. I guess we'll find out next time?

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This is good action and good plot, but yet more travel. 19 chapters of travel feels like a very lot, in a book that did not make itself out to be a travelogue. I am glad that it looks like they will be landing soon and maybe getting to start taking action finally. 

 

As I go: 

Wait, when did M roll under a truck? I thought Q was the one underneath one? 

I like the interior of this helicopter. It's a good use of dialogue and actions to showcase the tech without using an infodump, and it's some more nice character interactions between Q and M. 

"Towards his son" --  yeah, I'm with @Mandamon This feels like it is coming up kind of out of nowhere to me. I remember mentions of a son existing and mentions of some intense feelings about said son from Q, but I'm not recalling anything that really ties son to YK, or why Q would know son was behind the Gen helicopter from, apparently, the existence of the helicopter and its destination. Like, I know I tinfoil-hat-hypothesized that son was either the caller, the black box creature, or both, but that was wild speculation based on genre-savvy and too much television. If the son is anything more than a bit of his past Mor and that faction uses to push Q's buttons, I feel like it needs a lot more foundations actually in-text. 

I also feel like maybe the reveal with the mystery caller and TOM is also coming from nowhere a bit. Especially with the text itself helping with the deception in the form of the actual-TOM POV sections, this twist doesn't really feel earned to me. Like, I-as-a-reader never really hand a chance to figure this out on my own, sort of? It's awfully convenient that only now Q is noticing vocal oddities, when he's exhausted emotionally and physically, and suffering from blood loss and ...probably, like, low blood sugar to boot or something. Those are things that I wouldn't normally associate with being aware and on-the-ball enough to be able to pick out small discrepancies in an accent over a telephone line. 

 

 

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As I read:

Oh, so the helicopter is AI-piloted? I was really hoping that Q and M would get to talk to an actual person.

M seems markedly unconcerned with the fact that Q has been shot. It seems hard to imagine that she just hasn’t notice, now that the chaos has mostly cleared.

P4 “...located the found” should be “located the wound.”

“‘Let’s do our homework.’ He must be delirious.” HAH.

So the FBI is in the field, but the National Guard still isn’t?

You know, with the situation as dire as it is, they could probably start threatening idiot citizens out to get the MTs with arrests for obstructing police investigation or whatnot. I get the impression that everyone knows strong words/sound advice aren’t working and haven’t been for some time.

Flavour more than anything, but in addition to aforementioned idiot hunters, I wonder what kind of effect this has on the rest of the world? Riots etc?

P6 The image bucked wildly, doing Q’s centre of gravity...” Should probably be “sense of gravity”?

P8 “...a million tonnes on lunar crater” should be “of.”

Also p8 “he made a pause symbol in the air” - I’d suggest the rest of that sentence is probably unnecessary. We get the idea, and if he does that and then the news reel stops playing I think most readers will be able to infer that it was a kinetic command.

So, M’s blowup. It was abrupt enough that it really set me back on my heels at first. I almost didn’t comment, because it’s certainly fair enough under the circumstances. It’s probably been coming for a while. But I think the reason it felt so abrupt is because Q and M squabble so constantly, and M is so abrasive in general, that it’s hard to tell the difference between “business as usual” and “cracking under pressure.” I think it could help to up the tension in previous chapters and make this moment more impactful if we see the cracks before we see the break, so to speak. Similarly, M’s point about Q trying to save people, well, women in particular. M’s not wrong, but it might be interesting to see it come up as a point of contention a little sooner.

I gather your sense of humour was not hit in the shootout.” Hah.

Glad that Q and M have reconnected with E and the pacing of the last couple chapters has much improved, though I’m still anxious for everyone to just go find T already. That being said: we had a fake message from E earlier, I don’t think Q and M ever got the real one, and now they’re about to connect with E herself. Are there going to be any consequences from that missed message from earlier?

 

On 11/13/2019 at 10:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Towards his son."
--what now? If this means what I think it means, I feel this is something that has been seriously neglected before this point.

Hm. I sort of agree with this, but I suspect I'm coming at it from a slightly different angle than @Mandamon here. Notwithstanding any reveals that may or may not be coming, this is one of a handful of times in recent chapters Q has started focusing on his son more, for reasons that mostly feel pretty thin on the ground. Early on, I think someone, somewhere does say that Q and J's son was turned over to TOM and/or Mor, and I think in one of the earlier road-trip chapters Q wonders if taking on TOM will get him closer to his son. In that chapter, however--sorry, I don't remember which exactly--it's presented as idle speculation, with Q seeming to think it's not very desireable or likely. Then, in one of the later roadtrip chapters, he's reflecting that maybe he wants to meet his son more than he thought, but he seems to have shifted from thinking that these events might lead him to his son, to thinking that they will, without either obtaining any evidence for that or talking himself into believing it. I hope that distinction makes sense--the short version is that @industrialistDragon has hit it on the head, I think, in saying that there needs to be more foundation in the text this. Personally, I do think there's enough there already that this is a relatively simple fix, just hanging a lantern in a couple of places. And, it could have an added benefit of increasing the impact if certain tinfoil-hat theories turn out to be true...

On 11/13/2019 at 10:54 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: Does M know what's on the loose? Is that common knowledge yet? I don't recall Q&M learning exactly what is loose.

Yeah, I don't think they have either. I suppose it's reasonable that they've had the chance to see it on the news by now, but I don't remember seeing it highlighted in the text.

On 11/14/2019 at 5:01 PM, industrialistDragon said:

It's awfully convenient that only now Q is noticing vocal oddities

This is a good point. I have to admit, the reveal the Mystery Caller was actually pretending to be TOM on those calls didn't bug me as much as it seems to have ID and Mandamon. Certainly it seems like an easy enough way to manipulate Q. It's true I still have no idea why the caller might be doing this, but on a grand scale I think I'm inured to it because I still have no idea why Mor and particularly TOM are doing anything anyway. Yes, election fraud and all that good stuff, but at the end of the day I have no idea what TOM expects the actual benefits of that to be for ... his companies, which he seems fairly willing to tear apart? Himself specifically? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've harped on that enough in an earlier crit somewhere, so I'll leave it at that for now.

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Unsurprisingly late, but here!

Overall

I like the emotional beats with M but mostly I'm confused. WHO is the caller? Why do they have all this information that is so plot convenient? Why isn't E more frantic? Why are they still traveling? I'm very ready at this stage for some resolution, and aside from the emotional beats we just aren't getting it. I like the flow and pacing, but think it should have come a bit earlier. Or we could watch a live attack too! That would sate for a chapter!

 

On 11/16/2019 at 8:29 PM, Silk said:

This is a good point. I have to admit, the reveal the Mystery Caller was actually pretending to be TOM on those calls didn't bug me as much as it seems to have ID and Mandamon. Certainly it seems like an easy enough way to manipulate Q. It's true I still have no idea why the caller might be doing this, but on a grand scale I think I'm inured to it because I still have no idea why Mor and particularly TOM are doing anything anyway. Yes, election fraud and all that good stuff, but at the end of the day I have no idea what TOM expects the actual benefits of that to be for ... his companies, which he seems fairly willing to tear apart? Himself specifically? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've harped on that enough in an earlier crit somewhere, so I'll leave it at that for now.

I had similar feelings to this. If the MC was trying to get Q to think it was TOM, but we still don't know who it is, we are left with no resolution in this late stage chapter. 

I'm still engaged and very curious! I just want more meat now that we are near the end!

 


As I go

- pg 5: wait, the son is back in the picture? From nowhere almost it seems

- pg 8: I don't understand the birthday talk. New century? Number with a two in front of it? They aren't talking about her age, right?

- pg 12: I'm still antsy. Why are they still traveling? GO DO THE THINGS! although I did enjoy the emotional beats

- pg 14: wait so...Mystery person knows where T is...how? For how long? It seems plot convenient

- I don't under stand the end. Was it the Old Man? Or no?

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Hey, thanks so much for reading, and the always challenging comments, which are always good :) 

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

I enjoyed that this had quite a bit more content in it pertaining to the plot. Some of the history rehash between Q&M felt like it could have come earlier, but it did lead to a good conclusion.

Excellent. I will take that!

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

1) Q is going toward his son? Or did I read that wrong? Is he the person captured by Gen?

He is going toward his son, yes. (I'm being cagey about answering the third point.)

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

2) Mystery Caller was pretending to be TOM, which, okay, but TOM was giving orders to DM, wasn't he? Because if that was this same person, then they've engineering everything and I have no idea what their motives are. I was assuming this was either one of the techs or the person locked up, but neither really has access to this level tech, or to the freedom to call.

Yeah. That's something I may need to turn up the flagging on a bit, because there's the real TOM speaking to Mor, and the 'fake' TOM speaking to Q.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

Seems like this is getting very close to tying things up, so I'm interested to see what's coming.

:) 

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "Cunning, crazy, brave little..."
--is this is reference to her asking where they were going, or for rolling under the truck?

Rolling under the truck. I thought since it came right after the recollection of the truck, this would mesh okay.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "or maybe yapped was a better word"
--why?

Yeah, maybe a bit tenuous. I was thinking bark = big(ger) dog, yap = small dog. It's a reference to M not having the diaphragm to bark.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Towards his son."
--what now? If this means what I think it means, I feel this is something that has been seriously neglected before this point.

 I guess mentions are maybe too infrequent. I don't think WRS covers it. M/C tells Q about his son being in YK when they are parked up in Donald. That's Chapter 10 (page 153), so, nine chapters ago and 90 pages, although there are references on Page 160, 168 and 174, so maybe it's more like 70 pages. That's probably still too long without a reference. I will go back and add at least one interim reference to Q's son.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "which T and now E could link Gen to"
---Can they link Gen. to election fraud? I haven't seen any connections they would know about, especially T, who's been hidden away this whole time for all we know.

I was meaning through Mor, because he's attached to Gen.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "The status of his relationship with M was similar."
--to what? Charging? The android?

It's a play on 'emergency operation level', Q considering that is the level of their relationship. I've tidied it up, it certainly wasn't clear.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "“How about that?” She began to sob."
--Good character development, but I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Q&M are both diving into stuff that happened prior to and in the first book. Why now?

I'm aiming a deepening their relationship, and this was a moment of 'down time' in which I thought I could do that. I did have an inkling that Q's birthday comment was a bit shoehorned in. From that, it was a case of him touching a nerve and M going off.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: "because the drone had visual sensors as all media hubs did."
--We can figure this out from context.

Cool. Cut!

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "I think it’s all because you couldn’t save your wife.”
--ok, that's a good line.

:D 

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: Does M know what's on the loose? Is that common knowledge yet? I don't recall Q&M learning exactly what is loose.

I've tweaked this slightly. E makes reference to there being some pictures on the web, but it hasn't been explicitly stated that M has seen a picture of an MT, for example.

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: “Why would he do that, if you’ve been pals for so long?” 
--Are they? Did he say at some point that they were?

M was being ironic in the use of 'pals'. Not sure that line is landing at all, so I have trimmed it. Thanks for flagging. 

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "“Nope, not once.” Mystery Caller reverted to his own voice."
--ok, more confused now. The whole thing was set up by this person? And we still don't know who it is. I guess we'll find out next time?

Okay. Yes. Mmmmmaybe...

Really helpful comments, thank you. :) 

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Hey ID, many thanks for reading.

On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

his is good action and good plot, but yet more travel. 19 chapters of travel feels like a very lot, in a book that did not make itself out to be a travelogue. I am glad that it looks like they will be landing soon and maybe getting to start taking action finally.

Erm, gooood? I think?

On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

Wait, when did M roll under a truck? I thought Q was the one underneath one? 

M did too, in the last chapter, the moving semi. Maybe I need to reinforce that.

On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I like the interior of this helicopter. It's a good use of dialogue and actions to showcase the tech without using an infodump, and it's some more nice character interactions between Q and M.

Excellent :D 

On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

"Towards his son" --  yeah, I'm with @Mandamon This feels like it is coming up kind of out of nowhere to me. I remember mentions of a son existing and mentions of some intense feelings about said son from Q, but I'm not recalling anything that really ties son to YK,

Right. As noted above to Mandamon...

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

guess mentions are maybe too infrequent. I don't think WRS covers it. M/C tells Q about his son being in YK when they are parked up in Donald. That's Chapter 10 (page 153), so, nine chapters ago and 90 pages, although there are references on Page 160, 168 and 174, so maybe it's more like 70 pages. That's probably still too long without a reference. I will go back and add at least one interim reference to Q's son.

So, I'll go back and try to lay the groundwork better for the son thread.

On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

or why Q would know son was behind the Gen helicopter from, apparently, the existence of the helicopter and its destination.

Ooh, I did not mean to imply that. 

On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I also feel like maybe the reveal with the mystery caller and TOM is also coming from nowhere a bit. Especially with the text itself helping with the deception in the form of the actual-TOM POV sections, this twist doesn't really feel earned to me. Like, I-as-a-reader never really hand a chance to figure this out on my own, sort of? It's awfully convenient that only now Q is noticing vocal oddities, when he's exhausted emotionally and physically, and suffering from blood loss and ...probably, like, low blood sugar to boot or something. Those are things that I wouldn't normally associate with being aware and on-the-ball enough to be able to pick out small discrepancies in an accent over a telephone line.

This is a fair point. I think I revised some of the earlier sections, but I agree that I need to put more groundwork in to the earlier discussion with 'TOM', and also Mor's discussions with TOM, to earn this. 

Thank you very much for calling those things out, ID Much appreciated :) 

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On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

Unsurprisingly late, but here!

Never a problem, I'm usually running at least a week behind anyway. Thanks so much for reading :) 

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

like the emotional beats with M but mostly I'm confused. WHO is the caller? Why do they have all this information that is so plot convenient? Why isn't E more frantic? Why are they still traveling? I'm very ready at this stage for some resolution, and aside from the emotional beats we just aren't getting it. I like the flow and pacing, but think it should have come a bit earlier. Or we could watch a live attack too! That would sate for a chapter!

Yeah, I recognise these issues. I'm going to have a much stronger ticking clock in the next edit, which will ramp up tension, and I'll continue cutting from the preceding chapters. In this pass, I've take 8000 words, which I think must help, BUT, I recognise that taking scenes out will be as important next time around.

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

I had similar feelings to this. If the MC was trying to get Q to think it was TOM, but we still don't know who it is, we are left with no resolution in this late stage chapter. 

I'm still engaged and very curious! I just want more meat now that we are near the end!

Err, yes. At least one of your comments is satisfied in the next chapter. So glad you're still engaged, and I am trying to whittle down the travelling, really I am!

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

- pg 5: wait, the son is back in the picture? From nowhere almost it seems

I've talked about this above. I will address this.

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

- pg 8: I don't understand the birthday talk. New century? Number with a two in front of it? They aren't talking about her age, right?

I've tidied it up a bit. It should say 'big number starting with a two', i.e. the new century (it's 20 99 at present.

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

- pg 12: I'm still antsy. Why are they still traveling? GO DO THE THINGS! although I did enjoy the emotional beats

:rolleyes: Yep, yep, yep.

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

- pg 14: wait so...Mystery person knows where T is...how? For how long? It seems plot convenient.

Yes, I suppose it does. I'll need to foreshadow that better, without giving their identity away, and perhaps also hint more at identity (broadly).

On 19/11/2019 at 4:21 AM, kais said:

- I don't under stand the end. Was it the Old Man? Or no?

Hmm. I really thought the last sentence was definitive in stating that he had not talked to TOM.

Really appreciate the comments, Thanks, Kais :) 

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On 11/29/2019 at 0:00 PM, Robinski said:

Maybe I need to reinforce that.

Maybe... it could be described differently? Like, Q rolls under a truck first (and literally), and so when I see "rolls under a truck" that's what I think about. M didn't roll under a truck so much as be run over by one from what I remember, so I get confused when M is described using words used previously to describe Q's actions. if that makes sense? 

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Hey Silk, thank you so much for the very comprehensive comments :) 

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

Oh, so the helicopter is AI-piloted? I was really hoping that Q and M would get to talk to an actual person.

Yeah. I can see your point. They've been pretty isolated recently.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

M seems markedly unconcerned with the fact that Q has been shot. It seems hard to imagine that she just hasn’t notice, now that the chaos has mostly cleared.

Yeah. She doesn't realise at first, and then he tells her and she does show some concern. Maybe that's not coming through too well at the start.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

P4 “...located the found” should be “located the wound.”

Thanks :) 

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

So the FBI is in the field, but the National Guard still isn’t?

Yeah, that's a remnant. Thanks, now updated to confirm that the NG is deployed, or in the process.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

You know, with the situation as dire as it is, they could probably start threatening idiot citizens out to get the MTs with arrests for obstructing police investigation or whatnot. I get the impression that everyone knows strong words/sound advice aren’t working and haven’t been for some time.

I tried to show, in the those web few snippets, a transition from authorities issuing edicts to soldiers pushing people up against walls. I'll try and bring it out more in the next edit.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

Flavour more than anything, but in addition to aforementioned idiot hunters, I wonder what kind of effect this has on the rest of the world? Riots etc?

Good point. I'll drop something into this news cycle.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

P6 The image bucked wildly, doing Q’s centre of gravity...” Should probably be “sense of gravity”?

Good call. Fixed.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

P8 “...a million tonnes on lunar crater” should be “of.”

Excellent! I love fixing typos :) 

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

Also p8 “he made a pause symbol in the air” - I’d suggest the rest of that sentence is probably unnecessary.

Yeah, someone else called this. Thanks, it's cut. I think it comes from the fact that I'm a Luddite and way behind on the tech we actually have now!! So, what am I actually doing writing SF!!! :unsure: 

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

So, M’s blowup. It was abrupt enough that it really set me back on my heels at first. I almost didn’t comment, because it’s certainly fair enough under the circumstances. It’s probably been coming for a while. But I think the reason it felt so abrupt is because Q and M squabble so constantly, and M is so abrasive in general, that it’s hard to tell the difference between “business as usual” and “cracking under pressure.” I think it could help to up the tension in previous chapters and make this moment more impactful if we see the cracks before we see the break, so to speak. Similarly, M’s point about Q trying to save people, well, women in particular. M’s not wrong, but it might be interesting to see it come up as a point of contention a little sooner.

Good points. I'm noting these for the next edit.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

Glad that Q and M have reconnected with E and the pacing of the last couple chapters has much improved, though I’m still anxious for everyone to just go find T already. That being said: we had a fake message from E earlier, I don’t think Q and M ever got the real one, and now they’re about to connect with E herself. Are there going to be any consequences from that missed message from earlier?

Hmm.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:
On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Towards his son."
--what now? If this means what I think it means, I feel this is something that has been seriously neglected before this point.

Hm. I sort of agree with this, but I suspect I'm coming at it from a slightly different angle than @Mandamon... but he seems to have shifted from thinking that these events might lead him to his son, to thinking that they will, without either obtaining any evidence for that or talking himself into believing it. @industrialistDragon has hit it on the head, I think, in saying that there needs to be more foundation in the text this. Personally, I do think there's enough there already that this is a relatively simple fix, just hanging a lantern in a couple of places.

Okay, I can go with this. The certainty comes from M/C telling Q that his sos is in YK, which was a revision in this edit. So, I'm hoping the lanterns are there already now (but not when you read it).

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:

 

On 13/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: Does M know what's on the loose? Is that common knowledge yet? I don't recall Q&M learning exactly what is loose.

Yeah, I don't think they have either. I suppose it's reasonable that they've had the chance to see it on the news by now, but I don't remember seeing it highlighted in the text.

Yeah, I've rephrased this a bit, to make it clear that they don't know what one is, they just know it's not good.

On 17/11/2019 at 4:29 AM, Silk said:
On 15/11/2019 at 1:01 AM, industrialistDragon said:

It's awfully convenient that only now Q is noticing vocal oddities

This is a good point. I have to admit, the reveal the Mystery Caller was actually pretending to be TOM on those calls didn't bug me as much as it seems to have ID and Mandamon. Certainly it seems like an easy enough way to manipulate Q. It's true I still have no idea why the caller might be doing this, but on a grand scale I think I'm inured to it because I still have no idea why Mor and particularly TOM are doing anything anyway. Yes, election fraud and all that good stuff, but at the end of the day I have no idea what TOM expects the actual benefits of that to be for ... his companies, which he seems fairly willing to tear apart? Himself specifically? Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've harped on that enough in an earlier crit somewhere, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Yes, good point. I think what I need to put work in is in TOM's overall goal, as you say. What does he expect to get out of it all? What are his stakes. I will do something about that.

Phew. Great comments, as always. Now I only have to 'solve' them! Thank you :) 

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1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

Maybe... it could be described differently? Like, Q rolls under a truck first (and literally), and so when I see "rolls under a truck" that's what I think about. M didn't roll under a truck so much as be run over by one from what I remember, so I get confused when M is described using words used previously to describe Q's actions. if that makes sense? 

Yes, this is the nutshell of it. Thanks :) 

I've had a go at tweaking the wording. I really think it's better now.

Edited by Robinski
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