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A sample from My Novel, Windwept


Lunu’anaki

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So I've been thinking after my Magic System post that I should share a sample from my book which includes the use of that magic...  If you havn't seen the magic system post this should, hopefully, still be entertaining, The post which describes my magic system can be found here.

This takes place a few chapters into my book and involves my main character Aaron getting to know the man who will become his mentor.

Spoiler

It dawned on him suddenly, like a wave of cool water and a weight added to his shoulders all at once.

I’ve just been invited to join the Kinblades…

Aaron looked up, forgetting where he was, and realized he’d taken a wrong turn on the path out of the building.

damnation my distractible mind! I’ve gone and gotten myself lost again.

He turned around and headed back in the direction he came, hoping that he wasn’t too lost in the maze of a building. As he backtracked his steps, he heard the padding of light footsteps quickly coming towards him down a connecting hallway. He stopped in his tracks and looked around.

If that’s a guard and I’ve managed to get myself somewhere I’m not supposed to be...

He didn’t have long to think, however, as the footsteps reached close and a man in a tattered black cloak turned the corner. The man gave Aaron a brief glare, but then all of a sudden his expression lightened.

“Ahh, you’re not one of the...”

“You’re him!” Aaron said, cutting the man off. “You’re the one they arrested in the shop!”

The man raised a finger to his mouth and let out a quiet “Shhhh!” Before motioning to Aaron to follow him.

Aaron hesitated.

“Come now, boy, I wasn’t there to hurt you.” The man said in hushed tones. “Follow me, I’ll explain everything, just... please... don’t cry out and get me caught. I’m not in the mood for a fight today.”

The man looked around with an obvious paranoia that showed Aaron everything he needed to know concerning whether this man was supposed to be roaming around the halls of the fortress.

Archan said he was dangerous... Aaron thought.

He shook away the shock at seeing the man again and furrowed his brows as he regarded the odd fellow in a tattered black cloak with a well trimmed, short black beard and wild black hair.

I’d better do what he says... I don’t want to be his next victim...

Aaron looked toward the man and frowned.

“Why should I? You’re a criminal.”

The words slipped out of Aaron’s mouth despite his thoughts. The man gave Aaron an exasperated look.

“If you want to stop Everin from meeting a fate worse than death you will follow me and keep your mouth shut.” The man said.

Aaron started “Are you threatening my—“

“Shhhhhhh!”

The man grabbed Aaron by the arm and dragged him down the hall as he spoke barely loud enough for Aaron to hear him.

“Listen, boy. I’m not threatening anyone, but if you don’t quiet down you’ll have more to worry about than my blade and if you don’t follow me, NOW, that family you’ve taken to living with will be in very real danger. So shut up and come with me.”

Aaron could barely keep from shouting at the man, confused and exasperated by the sudden shock of the whole situation before him; but he held his tongue and let the man lead him down the hall.

“Fine.” He said, as he shook his arm free of the man’s grip.

“Good.. now hurry up, and be a bit more quiet will you?!” The man whispered.

As Aaron followed the man he began to wonder who he was and just what he wanted from a young smith in the first place. It was a thought that hadn’t crossed his mind the whole day. 

Why not just let me go?

The cloaked man had said he didn’t wish to hurt Aaron; which made sense, after all... what better opportunity would he have had to do such a thing than in an abandoned hallway during what Aaron assumed to be a daring escape?

Now that I think of it... how is this man free inside the headquarters of the Kinblades? He thought.

The man lead Aaron down a long unadorned corridor with nothing but a slight golden trim along the place where the ceiling met the walls.

Lyfe-giving mother! How have I found myself alone in the Kinblades headquarters?! Following an escaped criminal no less... and what’s this about Everin? How does he even know of my—

“Light this on fire.” The man said as he stopped in front of a large door and took a dried bundle of branches and leaves which was tied together by twine.

“What?! The smoke will give us away!” Aaron said.

“Well normally I’d agree with you... smoke stinks. But in this circumstance we’ll be pretty far away by the time anyone catches a whiff of that damned branch...”

Aaron looked up at the man who was now smiling warmly at him. He rolled his eyes at the man and shrugged.

“I must be crazy for listening to you.” He said.

“That, my boy, is not inaccurate.” The man smirked “Now get on with it! I know you smithies are never without flint and steel.”

Aaron hesitated briefly before pulling the small flint stone he had in his pocket and using it to ignite a spark over the tied up branches. The bundle immediately caught the spark and began letting off a massive plume of smoke, catching Aaron entirely off guard. He’d never seen so much smoke pour off of such a small amount of tinder.

“Excellent. Thank you.” The man said.

He took the burning bundle from Aaron and blew on the flame, causing the bundle’s flame to reduce to a smolder, which only increased the amount of smoke it let off. The bundle of sticks might as well have been the chimney at Everin’s shop for all the smoke it released into the hall.

The man then held the smoking bundle out in front of him as if it were a torch and pushed open the large door the two of them stood in front of.

“Stay close... and do. not. cough.” The man said as he casually strode out into the courtyard beyond.

[redacted separate viewpoint]

Eldraguard traipsed out into the open courtyard as he infused the smoke surrounding him and Everin’s apprentice with some of the little Lyfe energy he’d managed to pull from the marble of moon shard he’d swallowed before getting himself into this mess. It wouldn’t last for long, but it would be enough to get them out of their current predicament.

As a fluxfuser, Eldraguard was able to alter the properties of certain types of matter for short periods of time. Smoke was one of the types of matter which had useful properties when infused with energy, and a good thing it was too... for otherwise every guard in the building would have seen Eldraguard casually striding through the courtyard with a scared and confused blacksmith’s apprentice following close behind. 

Smoke was a rather annoying material to work with, but a useful one at that. Smoke, when infused, would render itself and anything hidden within it’s cloud, invisible. This was, obviously, very useful; however, Eldraguard had to be very careful to ensure that he infused every last bit of the smoke as it poured from the bundle of branches, otherwise a puff of it could easily give him and the boy away. There was also the matter of the smell... the smell of smoke was an obvious sign that a hidden fluxfuser was nearby. In this case, that wasn’t all that important. If these guards didn’t know he had escaped already, they soon would.

Eldraguard looked back to make sure that the boy still followed close behind; then, ensuring to move the bundle of twigs and leaves up and down so that the now invisible smoke wafted over him and the boy completely, he strode directly up to the large flawless stone wall of the fortress. He let out a sigh and looked at the boy, carefully whispering.

“Ready?”

Eldraguard dropped the bundle of sticks, touched the wall, and pushed a large amount of his remaining Lyfe energy into it, envisioning the stone in front of him as air instead.

And then it was. 

Everin’s boy couldn’t hold himself back from letting out a loud gasp. He shot a glare at the young man and stepped into the newly formed tunnel through the wall. He whispered in a shrill voice

“Come on then!”

The boy jumped at his order and followed. Eldraguard formed a thin sheet of stone back over the entrance of the tunnel to disguise his alteration of the wall and led the boy out to the streets of Amphora. He did the same to disguise the exit of the tunnel and frowned at the boy.

“Kid... I need to ask you a favor...”

“What’s that?” The boy asked, eyes wide.

“Get me to a bed and get me something to eat.”

He collapsed to the ground in front of Everin’s apprentice as fatigue hit him in a rush.

Let me know what you think :)

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Look's pretty good to me. I like the dialogue itself but sometimes the exposition around it makes it awkward. Like when Aaron said, "I'd better do what he says, I don't want to be his next victim". This thought makes it sound like he is reacting out of fear but then the way he speaks to Eldraguard doesn't indicate that he's afraid at all. I don't know enough about Aaron to say if this is out of character or not. 

As for the Magic, I like it. It's easy to understand so far and you're doing a great job of revealing it naturally. The Flux magic is clearly quite intricate so familiarizing the audience with it will be a long process, but this is definitely a good start.

If you ever need more suggestions for the novel don't hesitate to ask! I'm definitely down for more of this story.   

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27 minutes ago, Rask said:

Look's pretty good to me. I like the dialogue itself but sometimes the exposition around it makes it awkward. Like when Aaron said, "I'd better do what he says, I don't want to be his next victim". This thought makes it sound like he is reacting out of fear but then the way he speaks to Eldraguard doesn't indicate that he's afraid at all. I don't know enough about Aaron to say if this is out of character or not. 

As for the Magic, I like it. It's easy to understand so far and you're doing a great job of revealing it naturally. The Flux magic is clearly quite intricate so familiarizing the audience with it will be a long process, but this is definitely a good start.

If you ever need more suggestions for the novel don't hesitate to ask! I'm definitely down for more of this story.   

Thanks @Rask I'll definitely be fleshing out Aaron's inner monologue vs. outer actions a lot in my first revision because its something I struggle with when I'm getting words on the page. Thank you for the commentary. It's very helpful!!

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  • 1 month later...

Overall, I liked this, and think it has potential to be pretty good. Obviously, it's an excerpt of an early draft, and so I'm missing a bit of context/there's a few grammatical quirks here and there. Big-picture, here's some things I noticed

  1. When you write out a character's thoughts in italics, it's a little distracting/redundant to also write "he thought'. It reads a little better without the double attribution.
  2. On 11/6/2019 at 10:00 AM, Lunu’anaki said:

    As Aaron followed the man he began to wonder who he was and just what he wanted from a young smith in the first place. It was a thought that hadn’t crossed his mind the whole day. 

    Why not just let me go?

    The cloaked man had said he didn’t wish to hurt Aaron; which made sense, after all... what better opportunity would he have had to do such a thing than in an abandoned hallway during what Aaron assumed to be a daring escape?

    I had a bit of a hard time following this entire bit; the way it's worded is a bit confusing, and I have a hard time telling whether or not Aaron knew who Eldraguard was and how long he'd been held captive. 

  3. On 11/6/2019 at 10:00 AM, Lunu’anaki said:

    Come now, boy, I wasn’t there to hurt you.” The man said in hushed tones. “Follow me, I’ll explain everything, just... please... don’t cry out and get me caught. I’m not in the mood for a fight today.”

    The man looked around with an obvious paranoia that showed Aaron everything he needed to know concerning whether this man was supposed to be roaming around the halls of the fortress.

    Archan said he was dangerous... Aaron thought.

    He shook away the shock at seeing the man again and furrowed his brows as he regarded the odd fellow in a tattered black cloak with a well trimmed, short black beard and wild black hair.

    I’d better do what he says... I don’t want to be his next victim...

    Aaron looked toward the man and frowned.

    “Why should I? You’re a criminal.”

    I feel like the scene-setting/internal thoughts during this quip kind of interrupted the flow of dialogue. The exposition/thoughts in the middle don't all need to be exactly where they are; they might be best moved or removed.

  4. I wasn't really able to envision where the characters were throughout the entirety of the scene. Not sure if that was intentional or not.

  5. The magic system seems fascinating; I admittedly did not read the world-building document linked in your signature very thoroughly, but the idea of being able to infuse smoke with magic and alter states of matter seems interesting. I will ask though, is there a particular reason why magical energy is referred to as "lyfe"? I would assume some kind of significance seeing as how it's phonetically identical to "life"; that leaves me feeling like there's something potentially intriguing there :) 

I'm looking forward to reading more as it comes, and please let me know if my feedback was useful or not! I'm still practicing the art of giving good feedback.

Edited by Death By Taxes
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