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Robinski

Robinski - 191105 - TCC Chapters 12 (18) - 4261 words (L)

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Hi All,

Sorry, I got my chapter number conversion from hexadecimal wrong last week, but here is the latest, on which I welcome all the usual slings and arrows. I hope there is some stuff in here you enjoy. People run about!!! :o 

Best, Robinski

 

Chapter Summary:

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;
13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.
14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.
15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves.
16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos.
17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future.

 

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I WILL BE FIRST THIS TIME!!

Overall

I'm excited for action, though once again it's not resolving anything, just moving characters around the board. I'd have liked a bit more resolution occurring, I think, even among the E line. The action was good! Some blocking confusion and I need more on their random savior helicopter but it was nice to get some shoot em up action. Q jumping off of K's back was a delight. But generally, yes, would like this to go somewhere with some at least minor plot resolution. It feels like all Q&M do is move around the game board.

As I go

- pg 3: T-O-M? Is that the old man?

- pg 4: decide if he was enjoying the contact a little too much <--- ahhh love

- pg 5: E's message seems...weird? Not consistent with last chapter? Why would she ever say she'd give up?

- pg 6: oh so the message is a red herring?

- pg 9: reached out an hammered I<-- missing 'd' on and

- pg 10: serving xir with <--- Xir who? Missing a name I think? It's Q and Mor and they're...chasing a nonbinary person. Excellent. But who?

- pg 12: the blocking here could use cleanup. I'm not sure how Q got... under something? A car? There's helicopters though, yes? And how did M get away with 80?

- pg 14: wait, who are the twins?

- pg 15: okay so, another helicopter came in and had one of those dangling ladders like in 50s movies, and they all got a hold? Or no, harness...what does it look like? I think I'll need it described. I'm having a hard time with that scene

- pg 16: did Q get shot then? Why is he in pain?

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Yay!! I actually dropped in here (without refreshing the page) to leave you a note about.....

I mean, it's remarkable how many tiny little details between are novels are common, but without any design, of course. E.g. I've just read the bit where Na and Pu are hiding under trucks and boots are going past. What happens in this chapter of TCC? Q is under a truck with boots going past. Oh, and mode of rescue. I mean for goodness sake, what are the actual odds?

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5 hours ago, Robinski said:

it's remarkable how many tiny little details between are novels are common, but without any design, of course.

Great minds think alike????

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6 hours ago, kais said:

Great minds think alike????

Undoubtedly :lol: 

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Similar concerns to @kais on this one. It was an exciting chapter to read, but I feel like we didn't get much resolution. In addition, I really don't care about the cops as an antagonist to Q&M, so that decreases the tension for me. I feel like they should be up against DM and the beasts, not random law enforcement who is following them for...what was the reason again? Stealing a car? There are much larger problems going on. Mainly, I wanted them to escape so we could get to the real confrontation between Q and DM.


pg 2: "busy subverting a national election that would shape the fate of nations, even worlds, busy trying to kill MR and TT."
--Is this WRS or did Q know all this before?

pg 4: "Ten supple fingers"
--is there any reason to think that the android would have more or less than ten?

pg 4: "enjoying the contact a little too much"
--I mean, he did accept the massage...

pg 4: "centrally enough"
--centrally located enough?

pg 4: "whacky" -> "wacky"

pg 4: "Whatever had caused J to trust in that turd on legs?"
--WRS again, or do we know what J was trusting DM with?

pg 5: "I will read it. Shut up already!"
--is this the caller talking to someone else? Confused.

pg 5: "Oh, we sort of work together,"
--Are we supposed to know/guess who the caller is? Am I just being thick?

pg 6: "But you do, Q. You just haven’t figured it out yet,"
--This makes me think it's someone we haven't met yet, and I'm not sure what I think about an unknown character being a Deus Ex plotpoint to feed Q&M information.

pg 6: “She was lying. She’s still in play.”
--who was? E? The Caller?

pg 6: "unfathomable morass of migraine-inducing human testes"
--very cool metaphor, but I'm not sure why they would cause Q migraines or why we wouldn't particularly like that anatomy.

pg 7: "wished he was tootling around Europe with the formidably lovely Frau Professor "
--was this one of the side jobs from the beginning?

pg 8: “Awesome, possum,” 
--do what now? Very confused by what this means.

pg 13: "saw three harnesses descending from the copter’s core. Mystery Caller?"
--Why would he assume this? I thought the copter was with the police?

pg 14-16: Good action here, but there's a lot going on. The blocking could be a little clearer on where Q is in relation to M and the copter.

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I'm going to add my voice to @kais and @Mandamon  -- this is good action, but it's still basically more travel. It's also pretty clear to me that the sheriffs aren't the main threat, so there's not too much tension for me, either. The action is good and I enjoyed reading it, I just wish it went more places with the plot, sort of. I sort of feel like all the plot threads are just inching towards each other by half-life, and they're never actually going to cross...

 

As I go:

I like the return to urgency in the opening paragraphs. I am going to assume it's been edited back into some of the previous chapters that lacked it, otherwise, I feel a but like it's coming up out of nowhere. 

The beanies I get (hipsters, right?), but I'm confused at the implied dig at other ethic head coverings and hairstyles...  Are there other identifiers that could be used? 

"earbuds for patrons use"  -- Augh, using things that have been in other people's ears is just so squicky to me, sanitizing liquid or no! I know it's just me and people do this all the time, but I don't want anything near me that's been snuggled inside some stranger's moist, oily, wax-filled ear canal for who knows how long.  euaugh...

So, that mystery voice...  I'm torn between mystery voice being Q's son and Q's son being the unidentified human-based chimera critter in the blackout lab enclosure from E's first walkthrough way back when. Though, I suppose one or the other could also be J... I suppose, playing mind games with Q sounds most reasonable to me as a thing an angry son would do to the estranged father who rejected him, which would leave the aberration of modern science as the lost, but beloved, wife -- for maximum emotional impact of course. Unless...  Do they give secret human-based chimeras telephone access? Could they stop one if it did want to call out? :D Okay, I'll take off my tinfoil hat now.

The xir refers back to the unnamed informant Q was chasing in his flashback yes? If so, then I had no problems with it. if not, then I am obviously confused. 

Awesome possum is an interesting choice for a catchphrase, especially since I think this is the first time it's come up in the text? But, I'm unsure why M told the android to make up one. Is it just a non-sequitur to get him to shut up for a while?  

The switch to under the truck was a little confusing and I had to reread it. I don't think it needs much, just maybe some little bit more to really land the "Q is now under a truck and has stopped moving" switch.  

 It feels a little convenient to me that K doesn't manage to look down just then, but the rest of the action was good. I had a little trouble here and there, especially once Q clears the truck and starts running for the street. There are a lot of moving bodies there, and I wasn't sure what was going on with the helicopter. I also thought it was for the police.

I really enjoyed jumping on K's back. That made me smile.

I also appreciate that this was a little bait and switch for us there with the train. ;)

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M eating the muffin: I have no idea what she is actually trying to say.

“Well thank you, Professor Starched-briefs.” Hah. 0

“Could they trust Mystery Caller?” A fair enough question, but since they haven’t heard from Mystery caller it hardly seems to matter. Might make more sense to have Q wonder if this person is going to get in touch again, and if they’re going to provide anything useful when they do.

Wait, and now Mystery Caller reappears just as Q is thinking about him, in a “speak of the Devil” sort of way? I think this is only the second time we’ve heard from MC—unless I missed a call?—but Q reacts (looking at the android’s features) like this is something that happens all the time. It also seems odd that MC immediately begins to berate them.

“She had seen the lie too.” Maybe WRS, but I have no idea what the lie is, although I get the impression that I should.

P9 “M reached out an hammered” should be “and”

P10 – Okay, putting my “cop’s kid” hat on for a second:  It’s possible that they just missed, but police don’t fire warning shots (certainly not in a crowded area!) An officer doesn’t pull the trigger unless they mean to deal lethal force – it’s how they’re trained. Q  would work with police enough in his profession that I assume he would know this – although British police don’t use guns, so maybe he doesn’t, I guess?  

Same page, “snapped E briskly” – this is absolutely a nitpick, bud I’d go with either “snapped” or “briskly” here. No need for both and it feels clunky.

“beeline” is usually written as one word, not two.

Top of p11 “Q’s clown clothes layers padded somewhat him” – might want to take a look at the order your here of words. ;)

Heat of the moment and all, but throwing himself under the truck, unless maybe he was trying to take cover from continuing gunfire, seems like a really bad idea in a foot chase.

I thought K had only put out a general APB? If so why the (I’m assuming) helicopter?

Q sees harnesses being thrown down from the helicopter, and then thinks about the mystery caller and I don’t quite get the connection. Unless it’s not a police helicopter? I’m only making that conclusion because Q seems to be thinking of it as an escape route.

“The spectators saw guns and began to fire…” Okay but there have been multiple  shots fired already.

I’m loving the “khaki brigade” description. Also the Tweedle twins. In fact, pretty much all of these nicknames are great. That being said, there are rather a lot of them…

Overall, I enjoyed the chapter – the pacing was good and the blocking was clear. I am also very glad that it seems to have ended with Q&M moving towards something, rather than being another obstacle that keeps them from their ultimate goal (although I was concerned for a while that things were going to grind to a halt again in the aftermath, being arrested tends to do that. Ahem, or so I've been told anyway.) My major concern is that the groundwork doesn’t seem to have been laid for the appearance of the helicopter. I assumed that it was a police helicopter and only changed that assumption because Q decided it was a rescue and, in what seemed to me like quite the leap of logic, assumed it was connected to Mystery Caller, who really has not been that much of a presence in the story as of yet. If this is indeed the caller’s doing, then I think we need a little more from MC before it happens. MC's made two phone calls, one of which made vague promises of help but didn't share any actual information, and one of which promised no help at all but did pass on message that Q&M both thought was false. I'm not sure that quite gets us to "sends a helicopter into a firefight with law enforcement" territory.

I have a theory about who MC might be. It's half-baked and probably dead-wrong, but it's nice to feel that I now have enough information to start forming theories! (Or, from some of the other comments upthread, maybe I'm less dead wrong than I thought...)

Speaking of that firefight, I alluded to this in my comments above, but there is a whole lot of reckless gunfire going on. Aside from the “no warning shots” bit, it seems terribly reckless to be firing into a crowded area unless there’s some sort of immediate threat, which Q&M really don’t present. They run from the police but offer very little in the way of actual violence (and Q seems to come from a place of relative privilege, to boot). Absolutely they’d be chased if they ran from police, but tasers, pepper spray, and K9 units are more probably the order of the day.

Also, and this isn’t related to this chapter in specific, but I have been starting to wonder what TT has been doing this whole time. I realise she’s probably been badly hurt, but surely she (and/or BR’s wife) have some sort of agency in this?

Who knows, maybe in the next chapter we’ll find out who’s in the helicopter and I’ll have to eat my words!

On 11/5/2019 at 10:51 AM, kais said:

- pg 10: serving xir with <--- Xir who? Missing a name I think? It's Q and Mor and they're...chasing a nonbinary person. Excellent. But who?

I had to read this a couple of times before realizing it was a memory.

On 11/5/2019 at 10:51 AM, kais said:

- pg 16: did Q get shot then? Why is he in pain?

I assumed so, and didn't have a problem with it not being made explicit.

On 11/6/2019 at 10:11 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "Whatever had caused J to trust in that turd on legs?"
--WRS again, or do we know what J was trusting DM with?

WRS, I think. Worked for me, anyway -  I assume we mean J and Q's son.

On 11/6/2019 at 10:11 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "wished he was tootling around Europe with the formidably lovely Frau Professor "
--was this one of the side jobs from the beginning?

Yeah, this struck me as a bit odd to think of, it's not a reference from this book I don't think - maybe book 1? - and this is the first time we've heard of her.

On 11/6/2019 at 10:11 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: “Awesome, possum,” 
--do what now? Very confused by what this means.

I stumbled on this too. I mean, I know the expression, but I had no idea why Ei was saying it until I read @industrialistDragon's comment about the catchphrase, about which I had forgotten.

Also LOOK AT ME I COMPLETED A CRITIQUE ACTUALLY KIND OF ON TIME

What am I going to do now that I don't have a huge backlog of stuff to get through (er, with the exception of hawkedup, sorry, I am still working on that!) I might have to start actually writing or something. Madness I say...

Edited by Silk
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I haven't read the other comments yet, except for the first line of a few. 

I love the imagery early in the chapter. 

In the eating scene, when Q kept thinking we need to go soon, I knew that any minute, all hell was about to break loose. i'm not sure if i completely misread the last chapter, but this was not what i was expecting k's next move to be. For some reason, I thought he was almost intentionally waiting to get closer to yellow knife to catch up with Q. Considering what that chapter said about someone corrupting images of Q & M, it seems like one of the sheriffs would've had to spot Q personally to realize he was there, and then, if K rwas thinking Q didn't kill those people, why go through all the drama with guns blazing? Something between didn't quite add up with the last chapter. When the mystery helper took over the E, it's voice seemed very different than the last times. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not.

Spoiler

 

I'm sticking with my theory that this helper is whoever or whatever is locked up, but i also entertaining the idea that it could be someone else. 


 

It was nice to have an action scene, but I did get confused in it, especially with the little bit of  a flashback rolled in.

And I don't understand what the point of shooting Q was. It really seemed off from what K had been like in his solo chapter.

As I read:

p. 2

"busy trying to kill M Ro and" Were there two R's? For some reason I thought they were both dead. Probably wrs.

p. 10

"Quirk with the intention of serving xir" I'm for nonbinary characters and these kinds of pronouns, but this seems out of nowhere. Why does the one and so far, only character with a nonbinary pronoun have to be someone DM is trying to kill? Unless this is referring to a character from a previous book, maybe it not the best time to toss in a different pronoun. if you want to include a nonbinary character, make it one that actually is a character with a little depth, not some random target from a flash back that is there for less than half a page. 

P. 11

"clown clothes layers padded somewhat him against" This is where the blocking started to confuse me. Also, something is off about the syntax. 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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On 11/6/2019 at 1:11 PM, Mandamon said:

feel like they should be up against DM and the beasts, not random law enforcement who is following them for...what was the reason again? Stealing a car? There are much larger problems going on. Mainly, I wanted them to escape so we could get to the real confrontation between Q and DM.

agree. 

On 11/7/2019 at 9:54 PM, Silk said:

P10 – Okay, putting my “cop’s kid” hat on for a second:  It’s possible that they just missed, but police don’t fire warning shots (certainly not in a crowded area!) An officer doesn’t pull the trigger unless they mean to deal lethal force – it’s how they’re trained. Q  would work with police enough in his profession that I assume he would know this – although British police don’t use guns, so maybe he doesn’t, I guess?

There was a lot I didn't get about the police behavior in this scene. 

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Hi Mandamon, many thanks for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

It was an exciting chapter to read, but I feel like we didn't get much resolution. In addition, I really don't care about the cops as an antagonist to Q&M, so that decreases the tension for me. I feel like they should be up against DM and the beasts, not random law enforcement who is following them for...what was the reason again? Stealing a car? There are much larger problems going on. Mainly, I wanted them to escape so we could get to the real confrontation between Q and DM.

Well, they are wanted for the big long list of charges that Q runs through in his head back when they steal the plane. I will take a note to reconsider the stakes of their flight from Crest.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "busy subverting a national election that would shape the fate of nations, even worlds, busy trying to kill MR and TT."
--Is this WRS or did Q know all this before?

It may be that I've retconned this a bit. I think it's in the edit. When they first (second) speak to mystery caller (MC) he now explains what is going on. The idea being upping the stakes at an earlier stage than was in the version you read.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "Ten supple fingers"
--is there any reason to think that the android would have more or less than ten?

No. Not sure why I expressed it this way. I'll cut the 'ten'.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "enjoying the contact a little too much"
--I mean, he did accept the massage...

Heh, well, hmm. Maybe I'll park this for the fanfic section...

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "centrally enough"
--centrally located enough?

Good spot, thanks.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "whacky" -> "wacky"

Check.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "Whatever had caused J to trust in that turd on legs?"
--WRS again, or do we know what J was trusting DM with?

This will be retconned in Edit #4. There is mention of her being taken by M, but I'm going to recast those events through the trilogy because of the outline for Book 3.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "I will read it. Shut up already!"
--is this the caller talking to someone else? Confused.

Edited since this submission. Yes, there was a text from E, but that is now gone in favour of a conversation.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Oh, we sort of work together,"
--Are we supposed to know/guess who the caller is? Am I just being thick?

Not at all. It is a mystery, of course, and I was not sure how well it was tuned not to be too obvious. I think I'll only really know with a complete alpha read, but there is more in the next chapter on this matter.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "But you do, Q. You just haven’t figured it out yet,"
--This makes me think it's someone we haven't met yet, and I'm not sure what I think about an unknown character being a Deus Ex plotpoint to feed Q&M information.

Oh, I'd thought this was an allusion to the reader being able to have a stab at it. If it's subtly done, I'm thinking it would not show up because of WRS. That said, I suspect it's not subtle done (yet) :lol: 

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: “She was lying. She’s still in play.”
--who was? E? The Caller?

I think this might be a remnant of the revisions since made to Chapter 13 and 14, but with some reference back to Chp 12. I'll tidy this up in the next pass.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "unfathomable morass of migraine-inducing human testes"
--very cool metaphor, but I'm not sure why they would cause Q migraines or why we wouldn't particularly like that anatomy.

In the UK, we might say that something was 'b*llocks' (i.e. nonsense, rubbish, etc.), and I was trying to play off that. Taking it a step away from the source which may itself be obscure to a US audience is probably not 

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "wished he was tootling around Europe with the formidably lovely Frau Professor "
--was this one of the side jobs from the beginning?

It is, it's the Berlin library job. I think this will be better without the WRS.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: “Awesome, possum,” 
--do what now? Very confused by what this means.

Are you familiar with the expression? It's a delayed reaction of 80 to M's pronouncement that the android need a catchphrase. M makes the comment page 226 and 80 comes up with the reply on page 231.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "saw three harnesses descending from the copter’s core. Mystery Caller?"
--Why would he assume this? I thought the copter was with the police?

MC does say on page 228 that he's sending them help. I guess Q put that comment together with the 3 harnesses.

On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14-16: Good action here, but there's a lot going on. The blocking could be a little clearer on where Q is in relation to M and the copter.

Yes, I thought this would be an issues. This is my second pass at it, and I made some alterations for dramatic effect. It'll take several more passes, I suspect.

Great comments as ever. Thank you so much, and I'm sorry I'm slow in responding to them.

Cheers, Robinski

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Hey ID, many thanks for reading.

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

this is good action, but it's still basically more travel. It's also pretty clear to me that the sheriffs aren't the main threat, so there's not too much tension for me, either. The action is good and I enjoyed reading it, I just wish it went more places with the plot, sort of. I sort of feel like all the plot threads are just inching towards each other by half-life, and they're never actually going to cross...

Guilty as charged. I'm not quite sure what to do about it at this point, from a holistic story viewpoint.

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I like the return to urgency in the opening paragraphs. I am going to assume it's been edited back into some of the previous chapters that lacked it, otherwise, I feel a but like it's coming up out of nowhere.

At this point, the changes to the previous chapters, and the changes to come in terms of the ideals I've had in response to comments, are such that tracking agency through the story is becoming pretty difficult. I'll need to rely on an alpha read after the next edit.

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

The beanies I get (hipsters, right?), but I'm confused at the implied dig at other ethic head coverings and hairstyles...  Are there other identifiers that could be used?

There wasn't supposed to be anything in the way of an ethnic dig, so that was clumsy on my part if it came across that way. If it was a dig at anything (and if it was, only the gentlest of digs, I hope) it's at the appropriation of what might be considered ethnic symbolism by youngsters who do it for reasons of exploration and rebellion. I think it's on point for Q's character to be in this headspace, and not doubt on collision course with M as she progresses through her teens.

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

"earbuds for patrons use"  -- Augh, using things that have been in other people's ears is just so squicky to me, sanitizing liquid or no! I know it's just me and people do this all the time, but I don't want anything near me that's been snuggled inside some stranger's moist, oily, wax-filled ear canal for who knows how long.  euaugh...

I appreciate that one doesn't know where some ears have been, or what they've been listening to! Sorry to traumatise you :unsure: 

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

So, that mystery voice...  I'm torn between mystery voice being Q's son and Q's son being the unidentified human-based chimera critter in the blackout lab enclosure from E's first walkthrough way back when. Though, I suppose one or the other could also be J... I suppose, playing mind games with Q sounds most reasonable to me as a thing an angry son would do to the estranged father who rejected him, which would leave the aberration of modern science as the lost, but beloved, wife -- for maximum emotional impact of course. Unless...  Do they give secret human-based chimeras telephone access? Could they stop one if it did want to call out? :D Okay, I'll take off my tinfoil hat now.

I am saying nothing... at this point. I enjoyed this threaorising very much :D 

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

The xir refers back to the unnamed informant Q was chasing in his flashback yes? If so, then I had no problems with it. if not, then I am obviously confused. 

It does. In Books 1 and 2 (this one), I have aimed to put in a non-binary character here and there, to represent them in the world. I thought if I called them out by having a non-binary character, it would look more like tokenism than if I acknowledged and represented non-binary characters as a proportion of the population. This approach complements my level of confidence in being able to write a non-binary character, as male person. HOWEVER, I have a place in the outline of Book 3 for a prominent non-binary character, if I have the stones / sheer effrontery to attempt to write an NB character when it comes to the bit. 

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

Awesome possum is an interesting choice for a catchphrase, especially since I think this is the first time it's come up in the text? But, I'm unsure why M told the android to make up one. Is it just a non-sequitur to get him to shut up for a while?  

Basically, yes, but also M having some fun. Fun is often a non-sequitur where Q is concerned.

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

The switch to under the truck was a little confusing and I had to reread it. I don't think it needs much, just maybe some little bit more to really land the "Q is now under a truck and has stopped moving" switch.  

Gotcha. I have done that (I think).

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

It feels a little convenient to me that K doesn't manage to look down just then, but the rest of the action was good. I had a little trouble here and there, especially once Q clears the truck and starts running for the street. There are a lot of moving bodies there, and I wasn't sure what was going on with the helicopter. I also thought it was for the police.

Right. As noted above, I'll need another pass or three at that to clarify the moving parts, since I moved Tham around a bit in this edit.

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I really enjoyed jumping on K's back. That made me smile.

Oh, good, I'm glad. It made me smile too. I imagine K shaking his fist at the departing 'copter shouting, "Darn you, Q. Darn you to heck!!"

On 08/11/2019 at 1:48 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I also appreciate that this was a little bait and switch for us there with the train. ;)

:ph34r: I promise there will be a train in the short/novelette that will be Book 2.5.

Great comments. Really appreciate you reading, ID. Thank you!

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On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Also LOOK AT ME I COMPLETED A CRITIQUE ACTUALLY KIND OF ON TIME

And I really appreciate it! If only it was for someone who was good at responding in a timely fashion :unsure: 

I'm off out now to my son-in-law's first gig since he came to live in Scotland. He's play in the first band, and the headliners! Not one to do things by half. But I will get right onto your crib tomorrow morning. Thank you!

https://www.facebook.com/events/422228725151888

Edited by Robinski
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Hey, Silk. Thank you for reading. Really appreciate your comments.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

M eating the muffin: I have no idea what she is actually trying to say.

Okay, I think most people got it. I tried to keep it simple.If you replace the Fs with Ss, I think it becomes clearer. On balance of comments, I'll keep as is for this round.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

“Could they trust Mystery Caller?” A fair enough question, but since they haven’t heard from Mystery caller it hardly seems to matter. Might make more sense to have Q wonder if this person is going to get in touch again, and if they’re going to provide anything useful when they do.

A fair question. I like this point and have tweaked it.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Wait, and now Mystery Caller reappears just as Q is thinking about him, in a “speak of the Devil” sort of way? I think this is only the second time we’ve heard from MC—unless I missed a call?—but Q reacts (looking at the android’s features) like this is something that happens all the time. It also seems odd that MC immediately begins to berate them.

I've edited the earlier conversation with MC, to uptake stakes, and also extending somewhat to allow that relationship to bed in a little more, tenuous as it is. I've also tweaked up Q's reaction to the call here, and inserted something to justify MC's reaction, although that is bedded more int he first call now too.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

“She had seen the lie too.” Maybe WRS, but I have no idea what the lie is, although I get the impression that I should.

This is a remnant from a previous version, now gone.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

P9 “M reached out an hammered” should be “and”

Check, thanks.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

P10 – Okay, putting my “cop’s kid” hat on for a second:  It’s possible that they just missed, but police don’t fire warning shots (certainly not in a crowded area!) An officer doesn’t pull the trigger unless they mean to deal lethal force – it’s how they’re trained. Q  would work with police enough in his profession that I assume he would know this – although British police don’t use guns, so maybe he doesn’t, I guess?  

Thank you for this, and yes, this is how I would hope real police behaved! (Sidebar: UK police to have firearms officers, but those are deployed in specific situations. They do not 'pack' as a matter of course, no. So, it's on the page as dramatic licence, I suppose. I guess if I'm going to leave it in--and because of this world being fairly close in a lot of ways to our present world--I need to call this aspect out in some way as either new protocol, or aberrant behaviour, or something. In fact, I've just had an idea!!! Thank you :) 

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Same page, “snapped E briskly” – this is absolutely a nitpick, bud I’d go with either “snapped” or “briskly” here. No need for both and it feels clunky.

Good comment. I accept that.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

“beeline” is usually written as one word, not two.

Check.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Top of p11 “Q’s clown clothes layers padded somewhat him” – might want to take a look at the order your here of words. ;)

Check

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Heat of the moment and all, but throwing himself under the truck, unless maybe he was trying to take cover from continuing gunfire, seems like a really bad idea in a foot chase.

Now then. Q rolls under a stationary truck in the lot, but M rolls under a moving semi to get across the road (and to foil the pursuit, a bit). I realise there's a lot of blocking that needs work in this scene, and I will get onto that in the next edit.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

I thought K had only put out a general APB? If so why the (I’m assuming) helicopter?

Q sees harnesses being thrown down from the helicopter, and then thinks about the mystery caller and I don’t quite get the connection. Unless it’s not a police helicopter? I’m only making that conclusion because Q seems to be thinking of it as an escape route.

Ah, because neither K nor the local sheriff arranged the helicopter. 

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

“The spectators saw guns and began to fire…” Okay but there have been multiple  shots fired already.

Was meant to be 'flee', but is now 'scatter'.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

I’m loving the “khaki brigade” description. Also the Tweedle twins. In fact, pretty much all of these nicknames are great. That being said, there are rather a lot of them…

True. A editor might limit me to one, but I'll cross the bridge when (if) I ever have an editor :) 

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Overall, I enjoyed the chapter – the pacing was good and the blocking was clear. I am also very glad that it seems to have ended with Q&M moving towards something, rather than being another obstacle that keeps them from their ultimate goal (although I was concerned for a while that things were going to grind to a halt again in the aftermath, being arrested tends to do that. Ahem, or so I've been told anyway.)

Lol, yes, I'm sure it does!!

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

My major concern is that the groundwork doesn’t seem to have been laid for the appearance of the helicopter... If this is indeed the caller’s doing, then I think we need a little more from MC before it happens. MC's made two phone calls, one of which made vague promises of help but didn't share any actual information, and one of which promised no help at all but did pass on message that Q&M both thought was false. I'm not sure that quite gets us to "sends a helicopter into a firefight with law enforcement" territory.

Okay. I was wondering if you'd clocked the intention to send help, and you did. I've punched that up a bit, and there is a general edit to introduce more stakes in the two exchanges that they do have before this point. I also have hung a lantern on the offer of help from Q's POV.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

I have a theory about who MC might be. It's half-baked and probably dead-wrong, but it's nice to feel that I now have enough information to start forming theories! (Or, from some of the other comments upthread, maybe I'm less dead wrong than I thought...)

Excellent. I'm so pleased you're spinning theories :D 

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Speaking of that firefight, I alluded to this in my comments above, but there is a whole lot of reckless gunfire going on... They run from the police but offer very little in the way of actual violence... Absolutely they’d be chased if they ran from police, but tasers, pepper spray, and K9 units are more probably the order of the day.

I'm retconning this. Now, the local cops in Canm-re start shooting and Kr is calling out against it. The implication is that they are crooked, or at least influenced by someone. That's what I'm thinking. I'll work through the logic of that. What I don't want is another side POV!

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Also, and this isn’t related to this chapter in specific, but I have been starting to wonder what TT has been doing this whole time. I realise she’s probably been badly hurt, but surely she (and/or BR’s wife) have some sort of agency in this?

:unsure: 

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Who knows, maybe in the next chapter we’ll find out who’s in the helicopter and I’ll have to eat my words!

On 05/11/2019 at 6:51 PM, kais said:

- pg 10: serving xir with <--- Xir who? Missing a name I think? It's Q and Mor and they're...chasing a nonbinary person. Excellent. But who?

I had to read this a couple of times before realizing it was a memory.

Right, I've reworded the start slightly. I think it's clearer.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:
On 05/11/2019 at 6:51 PM, kais said:

- pg 16: did Q get shot then? Why is he in pain?

I assumed so, and didn't have a problem with it not being made explicit.

Cool.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:
On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "Whatever had caused J to trust in that turd on legs?"
--WRS again, or do we know what J was trusting DM with?

WRS, I think. Worked for me, anyway -  I assume we mean J and Q's son.

Yes. This will be retconned back through previous chapters. Mor always had a role in J's going back to her father. I've never thought it through fully; just winging it, but it's taking shape now.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:
On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "wished he was tootling around Europe with the formidably lovely Frau Professor "
--was this one of the side jobs from the beginning?

Yeah, this struck me as a bit odd to think of, it's not a reference from this book I don't think - maybe book 1? - and this is the first time we've heard of her.

It was one of the alternative cases and is mentioned once or twice this book. Touch or WRS, maybe, are I need to be more specific here.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:
On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: “Awesome, possum,” 
--do what now? Very confused by what this means.

I stumbled on this too. I mean, I know the expression, but I had no idea why Ei was saying it until I read @industrialistDragon's comment about the catchphrase, about which I had forgotten.

Okay. We'll see.

On 08/11/2019 at 2:54 AM, Silk said:

Also LOOK AT ME I COMPLETED A CRITIQUE ACTUALLY KIND OF ON TIME

And I really appreciate it. Great comments, thanks so much :) 

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Hey SSmooth, very glad to gave your comments. Thank you for reading :) 

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

why go through all the drama with guns blazing?

I'm retconning this chapter a bit, in that K is not intending to go in shooting, but it's the local cops who do (perhaps because they've been influenced? Not sure on that bit, but not a big deal).

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

it's voice seemed very different than the last times

To some extent, that is intentional. I don't want it to be massively different to the point of being unrecognisable, but there is supposed to be a shift.

As to your theory, well of course I will not confirm or deny, etc. etc., but I'm glad to see you have a theory, but are also entertaining other possibilities. I was certainly hoping folks we be having theories on it by this point.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

but I did get confused in it, especially with the little bit of  a flashback rolled in.

And I don't understand what the point of shooting Q was. It really seemed off from what K had been like in his solo chapter.

Yeah, it needs a tidy or two, and I had rearranged it a bit from the version I had before subbing. As noted above, K now calls out against the shooting, for reason of consistency with his position, but also for reasons flowing out of @Silk's comments.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Were there two R's? For some reason I thought they were both dead. Probably wrs.

I think so, I hope. He always mentioned that the woman he found was with his wife. I think it'll be okay.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

this seems out of nowhere. Why does the one and so far, only character with a nonbinary pronoun have to be someone DM is trying to kill? Unless this is referring to a character from a previous book, maybe it not the best time to toss in a different pronoun. if you want to include a nonbinary character, make it one that actually is a character with a little depth, not some random target from a flash back that is there for less than half a page

So, yeah, this was one reaction that I thought might come up. I have an explanation, which I will just find and quote here for ease of reference...

On 15/11/2019 at 6:32 PM, Robinski said:

In Books 1 and 2 (this one), I have aimed to put in a non-binary character here and there, to represent them in the world. I thought if I called them out by having a non-binary character, it would look more like tokenism than if I acknowledged and represented non-binary characters as a proportion of the general population. This approach complements my level of confidence in being able to write a non-binary character, me being a male person. HOWEVER, I have a place in the outline of Book 3 for a prominent non-binary character, if I have the stones / sheer effrontery to attempt to write an NB character when it comes to the bit. (I will ask for y'all's forbearance and your assistance, if I may be so bold.)

So, that's my story in relation to this point.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

that is there for less than half a page

I do acknowledge that. There is another NB appearance a bit later, with dialogue, but again not a major character.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:38 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

"clown clothes layers padded somewhat him against" This is where the blocking started to confuse me. Also, something is off about the syntax.

Yeah, thanks. I've edited the line, and the whole scene will get a going over once or twice more before it settles down, I'm sure.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:42 PM, shatteredsmooth said:
On 06/11/2019 at 6:11 PM, Mandamon said:

feel like they should be up against DM and the beasts, not random law enforcement who is following them for...what was the reason again? Stealing a car? There are much larger problems going on. Mainly, I wanted them to escape so we could get to the real confrontation between Q and DM.

agree. 

Hmm, yeah. I'll need to think about this possibility. It certainly would rip up my narrative in a lot of ways, although I suspect there is a way to do it without wrecking the whole plot line.

On 10/11/2019 at 9:42 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

There was a lot I didn't get about the police behavior in this scene.

I have already had one go at fixing the issues, and there will be others. Thanks to you guys for calling it.

Great comments. Thank you! :) 

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