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Robinski

Robinski - 191028 - TCC Chapters 0F,10,11 (15,16,17) - 5215 words (L)

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Hey ho,

I hope that the extra week will not give rise to all that much addition WRS :)  Also, I'm hoping you will not mind (or notice) the extra 200(ish) words here. I've been consistently under 5K, so I'd like to cash in a little of my credit ;) 

There are three chapters here. Two short, and one more typical (but still short). I hope they are not unduly tortuous, and would very much welcome any and all comments that come to mind when reading, if you have the time.

Much appreciated, Robinski

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;
13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.
14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes.
Edited by Robinski
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Well, I had little problem with E's section. It was some good emotion for her, and a sequel to the scene with the monsters. That said, It's again a transitional chapter. people are moving to places, but never actually getting there. I really want someone to just get where they're going and punch a monster in the face.

The first two sections, however, didn't do a lot for me. I wasn't sure what the purpose of adding another POV for the sheriff was, when we basically knew that information. It could be encapsulated in Q seeing a blip that the sheriff is coming after him, recruiting other sheriffs along the way.

DM's section was more of the crazypants plot he's going through, but at this point I've pretty much lost the thread. I guess now he's just sabotaging things and basically taking over the company with his own private army? I don't have a definite goal for him in mind. He's not actively going after E, Q, M, or even T. He's just loosing creatures, which he could have done at any time, if the two IT folks were already in on it.

Seems like E's story is the most engaging one to me in this book. She's at the heart of the actual conflict, and having Emotions because of Things Happening. Even though Q&M are the titular characters, I feel like they've become secondary to her.

 

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "K woke with a snap."
--hmm. I am concerned about another POV at this point. Or have we seen this one before?

pg 3: "He splashed water on his face"
--from...where? Is there a sink in the driver's seat?

pg 3: "The footfall counter "
--that's convenient.

pg 5: "the dash screen capturing the message and replicating it for several seconds once he was past. "
--now that's a good feature.

pg 6: "I’ve got two bodies in Creston morgue"
--they've already mentioned this, and I this point I feel they're just recapping the plot.

pg 6: So, I'm not really sure what that first section added to the story. It's a new POV (or one we've seen maybe once before) and we didn't learn a lot of new information. 

pg 8: "She’s done here. I’m in charge. Read that back to me.”
--I'm still concerned with how DM basically gets away with everything. He's obviously a sleazeball. Why do people just believe him when he starts taking over?

pg 8: "They’ve pulled down two tinhats by the stinger and mauled them to death."
--Have we heard of the tinhats before? What are they supposed to do, and for that matter, why are they putting a bunch of extremely dangerous and terretorial creatures together in the first place?

pg 9: "A ladybug and a man ‘o war jellyfish"
--okaaay. I guess that explains that...still no idea what they'd be used for.

pg 9: “Remember what you signed up for, both of you"
--so are these two actively betraying the company, or are they pawns?

pg 10: weird italicization in the top paragraph of this page.

pg 10: "Bring this home"
--what exactly? I feel like I'm missing a large part of the plot

pg 10: "draft in your prisoner"
--who what now?

pg 10: "Gamma Lab’s inmate "
--still don't know who this is. Is it the guy from the first book?

pg 10: "I haven’t spoken to my prodigal son-in-law since Cuba."
--except they talked at the beginning of the book. Or is TOM lying for some reason?

pg 11: "were loading more mangetouts into a new truck."
--they're letting more out? I really have no idea what's going on.

pg 11: "After what he’d done to J, rejecting her… "
--has this been mentioned before? Good motivation, but seems late in coming.

pg 21: "E took the wheel and steered out"
--I was half convinced E was going to kill her or something...

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I had "I didn't have a lot to say about this" written down as the first line, but then I went and wrote a lot, so. I guess I didn't have a lot of as-I-go comments? 

 

I had trouble getting into K's pov at first. It was amusing to get his POV, but I'm not sure what purpose it really served, since I don't feel like he's really going over any new information. I guess I now know he's not wholly against Q and M, but I'm not sure I needed an entire POV for that? I sort of feel like that could be conveyed as well from Q or M and not have to add a completely new person to the pov-mix. It's already a bit crowded for me.

 

For E's first section, I'm confused. Didn't she just come to the realization last chapter that Mor was behind it all? What's she doing re-assuming T was actually crooked? Like, Mor just tried to kill her in a way that was almost identical to the way T was attacked on the video (that Mor showed E) and it feels really odd to me that last chapter she was making these huge logic leaps but now she can't connect two related things she herself has witnessed.

 

Mor's section... I'm not really sure I understand his motivation still, or why he's even worried. Q & M haven't done anything. E's not dead, true, but she's out there causing complications for the company on her own so she's basically doing Mor's job for him; there's no fallout or suspicion or even recommended actions coming from the company itself; all his underlings are scurrying to do his bidding without backtalk; there haven't been any leaks or anything incriminating him; the police are doing what he wants... Just like, he's basically taking a victory lap at this point, isn't he? @Silk mentioned previously maybe wanting to hear more about the sort of "wag the dog" thing that's going on with the politics and I think I agree. More clarity on Mor's goals and how his actions affect the situation in the area I feel like would help make him seem more like a character and connected to the rest of the story.

With Q & M out listening to radios and android podcasts and whatnot, and E watching teevee, maybe the political situation could be used as a bit of a connection device between the multiple storylines? I have no idea if it would work, but right now I keep dismissing all the politics stuff as "flavor" and nonessential, and if it is more than that, I think it does need to be more a part of the story.

 

 So here's another pair of helpful bystanders in E's second section. I don't have a problem with people in the story acting generally decent and helping our protagonists out. I think... I think I have an issue with the fact that the ONLY people our protagonists seem to encounter are the ones willing to help out above and beyond. They don't interact with people who say "sorry can't help you" or who won't make eye contact, or who just give them the loose change out of their pockets, or otherwise won't engage or engage only minimally. It feels convenient to me I think because there's no mention of the protagonists having to work to find their help. They put a need into the universe and the universe drops a solution on top of them. I also realize adding try-and-fails would bog down something I've been consistently complaining about being bogged down... but also maybe a sentence or two with a summary of how many people they had to ask or how many "Accepting the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage into your heart will save you!" flyers they were given before they got to where they needed to go I don't think would be too bad? Maybe? 

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@Robinski I didn't get your sub for some reason. Could you resend it to my email directly? Thank you!

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5 hours ago, kais said:

@Robinski I didn't get your sub for some reason. Could you resend it to my email directly? Thank you!

Weird. Done!

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Hey @Mandamon, thank you for reading, and for your continued patience, strained as it must be!! ;) 

I recognise your concerns from previous chapters, of course, and yes I can see how the same concerns apply to these chapters. One of the major issues is clarity, particular Mor's parts, I think. 

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Seems like E's story is the most engaging one to me in this book. She's at the heart of the actual conflict, and having Emotions because of Things Happening. Even though Q&M are the titular characters, I feel like they've become secondary to her.

Yes. And while that it good, because it is the intention, as it was the intention in Book 1 for GC's presence in the story to be a major thread running counter to QM, here our duo are not engaging with the plot directly enough, which at least they did in Book 1, I think it's fair to say. I've got some good suggestions about doing that. Some of these are already in, but can be highlighted, multiplied.

I'm going to put the book aside a do something else once through it. Something completely new and short to work on the issues that recur in my writing. I'm positive this draft is improving, but it will take more fixing. I accept that.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "K woke with a snap."
--hmm. I am concerned about another POV at this point. Or have we seen this one before?

There is a short (2 page) Kr POV in Chapter 10.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "He splashed water on his face"
--from...where? Is there a sink in the driver's seat?

Just a bottle or some  such. Thought I could get away without explaining that.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The footfall counter "
--that's convenient.

Shopping centres / malls have them now.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "the dash screen capturing the message and replicating it for several seconds once he was past. "
--now that's a good feature.

Funny the things that pop out of nowhere. I think this could catch on.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "I’ve got two bodies in Creston morgue"
--they've already mentioned this, and I this point I feel they're just recapping the plot.

I may be losing a feeling for what needs to be recapped and what doesn't, when motivations need to be highlighted and when it's sufficient from before. Complete alpha read will help to address this, I think.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "They’ve pulled down two tinhats by the stinger and mauled them to death."
--Have we heard of the tinhats before? What are they supposed to do, and for that matter, why are they putting a bunch of extremely dangerous and terretorial creatures together in the first place?

No. I didn't want to deluge the reader with 10 types of t/f in one chapter, and thought to feed them in through the story.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 9: "A ladybug and a man ‘o war jellyfish"
--okaaay. I guess that explains that...still no idea what they'd be used for.

Why do (some) scientists do anything?

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 9: “Remember what you signed up for, both of you"
--so are these two actively betraying the company, or are they pawns?

I thought it was clear that Mor had pulled some sort of special protocol that E wasn't aware of but they clearly were, a bit like sleepers.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "Bring this home"
--what exactly? I feel like I'm missing a large part of the plot

Mor's task is just to cause massive chaos. What I need to do is add a thread with a ticking clock for finding TT. That is something that is missing although it's set up at the beginning in Creston, when it's clear that is what Mor will do, but then it drops out of sight.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "draft in your prisoner"
--who what now?

Okay, I've added to this, because it's not clear. This is now flagged in the text as a reference to the entity in Hab 10, back when E and T are inspecting the habitats (Chapter 3).

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "Gamma Lab’s inmate "
--still don't know who this is. Is it the guy from the first book?

(See above)

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "I haven’t spoken to my prodigal son-in-law since Cuba."
--except they talked at the beginning of the book. Or is TOM lying for some reason?

This goes back to the first call with Tom, as you say. There is a line there "The voice was brisk, cold and somehow younger, smoother than he remembered." I've hung a slightly bigger lantern on this, in terms of Q's reaction.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "were loading more mangetouts into a new truck."
--they're letting more out? I really have no idea what's going on.

I have mentioned it before but maybe it's too nebulous as an objective, but he is purely about causing and adding to the chaos.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "After what he’d done to J, rejecting her… "
--has this been mentioned before? Good motivation, but seems late in coming.

It's certainly a bit heavier in Book 1, I think, but there references earlier in this book to how Q abandoned J because of the child.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 21: "E took the wheel and steered out"
--I was half convinced E was going to kill her or something...

Mor was going to kill her? That was his intention.

Thanks for these excellent comments. I really appreciate you continuing to hold me to account :) 

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On 30/10/2019 at 0:45 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I had "I didn't have a lot to say about this" written down as the first line, but then I went and wrote a lot, so. I guess I didn't have a lot of as-I-go comments? 

Hey, ID. Thank you 

Quote

I had trouble getting into K's pov at first. It was amusing to get his POV, but I'm not sure what purpose it really served, since I don't feel like he's really going over any new information. I guess I now know he's not wholly against Q and M, but I'm not sure I needed an entire POV for that? I sort of feel like that could be conveyed as well from Q or M and not have to add a completely new person to the pov-mix. It's already a bit crowded for me.

Noted. There is an earlier (short) POV from him some way back.

Quote

For E's first section, I'm confused. Didn't she just come to the realization last chapter that Mor was behind it all? What's she doing re-assuming T was actually crooked? Like, Mor just tried to kill her in a way that was almost identical to the way T was attacked on the video (that Mor showed E) and it feels really odd to me that last chapter she was making these huge logic leaps but now she can't connect two related things she herself has witnessed.

This was a mistake, well spotted, in E's internal monologue in relation to the 'other side'. Good fix!

Quote

Mor's section... I'm not really sure I understand his motivation still, or why he's even worried. Q & M haven't done anything. E's not dead, true, but she's out there causing complications for the company on her own so she's basically doing Mor's job for him; there's no fallout or suspicion or even recommended actions coming from the company itself; all his underlings are scurrying to do his bidding without backtalk; there haven't been any leaks or anything incriminating him; the police are doing what he wants... Just like, he's basically taking a victory lap at this point, isn't he? @Silk mentioned previously maybe wanting to hear more about the sort of "wag the dog" thing that's going on with the politics and I think I agree. More clarity on Mor's goals and how his actions affect the situation in the area I feel like would help make him seem more like a character and connected to the rest of the story.

I've had a couple of ideas in reading this, which has focused stray thoughts rambling around in my noggin. This is good. I can go back and underling Mor's motivations, but I really think it's clear in those early chapters. It is to cause sufficient chaos that the Pres can send in the army. That's happening now. What is MISSING, and what should be driving Mor now is s burning need to find TT and now EM. I think that is what I need to retro fit, because that was the intention on Mor fleeing Crest, that he had to get back to YK to do away with TT. That bit has fallen out of those intervening chapters, and also was meant to be the burning brand driving QM forward to get there in time, i.e. a ticking clock.

Quote

With Q & M out listening to radios and android podcasts and whatnot, and E watching teevee, maybe the political situation could be used as a bit of a connection device between the multiple storylines? I have no idea if it would work, but right now I keep dismissing all the politics stuff as "flavor" and nonessential, and if it is more than that, I think it does need to be more a part of the story.

I can do this. I might help with the clarity, actually.

Quote

So here's another pair of helpful bystanders...

It feels convenient to me I think because there's no mention of the protagonists having to work to find their help. They put a need into the universe and the universe drops a solution on top of them. I also realize adding try-and-fails would bog down something I've been consistently complaining about being bogged down... but also maybe a sentence or two with a summary of how many people they had to ask or how many "Accepting the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage into your heart will save you!" flyers they were given before they got to where they needed to go I don't think would be too bad? Maybe? 

Okay. I think this is more recent, and maybe just because these helpful encounters are falling together in a line, but I can insert a reference or two, as you suggest. There is a reference to people passing them when they're hitching into Golden; and they did steal a car, and a ambulance, but I can play up trying-and-failing more, but with short, short references.

These are great comments. Many thanks, ID :) 

Edited by Robinski
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4 hours ago, Robinski said:
Quote

pg 9: “Remember what you signed up for, both of you"
--so are these two actively betraying the company, or are they pawns?

I thought it was clear that Mor had pulled some sort of special protocol that E wasn't aware of but they clearly were, a bit like sleepers

Yeah, I do remember that, but I wasn't clear on if that was some deeper protocol the techs were blindly following, or if they were actually planted to help DM cause chaos.

4 hours ago, Robinski said:
Quote

pg 10: "Bring this home"
--what exactly? I feel like I'm missing a large part of the plot

Mor's task is just to cause massive chaos. What I need to do is add a thread with a ticking clock for finding TT. That is something that is missing although it's set up at the beginning in Creston, when it's clear that is what Mor will do, but then it drops out of sight.

Like @industrialistDragon, I think just "causing chaos" is not really cutting it as a motivation. DM's done that. Why is he still here? At this point anything else he does just drops more breadcrumbs back to him. I did like the throwaway line about him resenting Q because of what he did to J. If you expanded this, if might bring DM and Q into more conflict, and give DM more reason to keep messing things up.

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1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

Yeah, I do remember that, but I wasn't clear on if that was some deeper protocol the techs were blindly following, or if they were actually planted to help DM cause chaos.

Right. I can enhance this point to ease its assimilation.

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

I think just "causing chaos" is not really cutting it as a motivation. DM's done that. Why is he still here?

Okay, I can deal with this all the way through his POV scenes, talks with Tom, etc.

Thanks for clarifying thumbs-up.jpg.d236db4fc6f2e989845e4491670215bc.jpg

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I'm coming into this in the middle of things so bear with me.  I like the pace of the story and I've signed up for the rest of the ride. 

The CGs are a nice image and I'd like to read more about them

Edited by jcurtain
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On 31/10/2019 at 6:25 PM, jcurtain said:

I'm coming into this in the middle of things so bear with me.  I like the pace of the story and I've signed up for the rest of the ride. 

The CGs are a nice image and I'd like to read more about them

Hey J, thank you so much for reading, that's great. That's kind of you to jump in the middle. It's pretty rare for new members to jump into this so far in, so I'm grateful for your perspective. By way of background, there are various GMO animal hybrids now running around, as you may gleaned. And you missed most of the travel, which think is probably a blessing :) 

One detail, can I ask you to edit your post and replace the creature name with an abbreviation. It's just that it's unique to my story and IF it was every submitted or agented or published, I wouldn't want readers to be able to trace any online comments. There is a bit about abbreviating names in the guidelines, and I think this would fall under that category. Please don't worry about it. I've done it myself. Cheers!

Edited by Robinski
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Overall

I thought E was a bit off kilter this chapter, in terms of her decisions. I think I had some WRS and maybe also some confusion, although I do like her strong decision to take Mor down. The other two chapters were interesting but not anything that hooked me, but I did like the information and thought they moved at a reasonable pace. I think you could up the flirting and noticing with E and the boat captain a bit to showcase what is going on. I feel like we were told and we could have very, very easily been shown....but I realize you might not be as up on how lesbians flirt to have included that. Let me know if I can help! It's all in the eyes....

On 10/29/2019 at 10:41 AM, Mandamon said:

I wasn't sure what the purpose of adding another POV for the sheriff was, when we basically knew that information. It could be encapsulated in Q seeing a blip that the sheriff is coming after him, recruiting other sheriffs along the way.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

On 10/29/2019 at 10:41 AM, Mandamon said:

I don't have a definite goal for him in mind.

I'm also confused with his motivations. I like his very eeeeevil nature, but I still don't know why other than being a rampant misogynist and homophobe.

On 10/29/2019 at 10:41 AM, Mandamon said:

-I was half convinced E was going to kill her or something...

I was also concerned about this!

 

As I go

- pg 3: he splashed water on his face while in the car? Didn't that get him and his seat wet?

- pg 3: They couldn’t find their wiener in a hamburger joint <--- LOL

- pg 4: There’s some of weird crap going on up there <--- missing a word in there?

- pg 5: LOL at the VD joke

- pg 6: is there supposed to be a space in this? MacGillacuddy

- pg 8: the animal on animal play by play is a touch confusing. Might be WRS. I'm trying to remember the specifics of each and what they do, and its all getting a bit jumbled. And I want to understand, because the GMO animals are such fun and having watched Jurassic Park in my formative years, velociraptors give me all kinds of shivers

- pg 10 and around: there are a lot of random italics in these pages

- pg 11: oh, there's an ex wife complication! I'd wondered!

- pg 12: She was no survivalist, not in these heels<--- HAH so true

- pg 13: WRS? How did E get away from the animals? I don't remember

- pg 14: F---. So, it’s true?<--- suggest deleting 'so it's true?' since it that part kind of kills the importance of the f-bomb

- pg 16: I'm not convinced she'd flip on her lover like that. Think about, it sure. Lesbians are nothing if not deeply in love with thinking and talking about emotions, but I have a hard time with her settling on that after such a short thought process. Also it makes me think less of her. If grief and love drove her this far, grief and love would rose color any of T's actions, rationality irrelevant

- pg 17: wait, back on T again? Hadn't she convinced herself T was part of the problem? I'm confused

- pg 21: I had to wait until the last line on the last page to get an idea of what decision she had actually made. Her choice of where to go might have been too oblique? Or maybe that's WRS?

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As I read... 

p3 Does “the reds” refer to the RCMP…?

Very top of p4, “hospital room” needs a closing quote mark.

K’s comment about “reminds me if you in grade nine” and “I’d have locked you up” strikes me as weirdly paternalistic. Which is fine if that’s the characterization you’re going for.

Isn’t it winter? Why is the car’s air conditioning on? (More likely regionally to be abbreviated as “AC” or “air” than “air con.”)

Wait, so the MTs have attacked five people, but haven’t managed to kill anyone? (If they’re still in hospital…)

Still wondering why the VLs are wandering around the service bay if they’re programmed to hunt other GMO animals, when the CGs are presumably long-gone.

Also, releasing a small number of MTs to cause a panic makes sense to me, but I’m not really sure what is gained by now releasing everything and the kitchen sink? I mean, more panic, yes, but it seemed like the panic that we already had was working well enough to further the election plot. This just seems like it would be harder for Gen to wash its hands of its involvement after the fact. And if the plan was to release all of the animals, why didn't that just happen when the first set of MTs was released? If the plan has changed, why? 

Side note: all of these animals are going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Something for book 3? ;)

On the other hand, I’m glad to see that J and V are in on it. That negates a lot of my comments in the previous chapter about there being witnesses to the Mor/E scene.

I’m guessing the other comments have picked up on this already, but there’s something very weird going on with the italicization throughout this sub.

P10 “disuade” should be “dissuade”

Overall I don’t have much to add that isn’t a rehash of what’s been said about previous chapters. @Mandamon makes a good point that we’re still getting a lot of various characters (including E and K, in this sub) travelling from point A to B – I remain anxious for things to start coming together in some sort of a way. I was a little bit concerned, too, that E at this point seems to be heading away from the plot.  

I'd also agree that the POV section from K didn’t really add much in terms of new information. I don’t think having a reminder that he’s out there chasing Q&M is necessarily a bad thing, but yes, the scene should bring something new to the table. New information or a complication for one of the main storylines.

On 10/29/2019 at 10:41 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The footfall counter "
--that's convenient.

I was kind of glad to see this, actually. I think I mentioned this in the thread concerning that particular chapter, but given the overwhelming surveillance tech we have today, I can only imagine that 2099 would be more of the same. What's odd is that it's only just coming up now; you would think it would have come up at the time, or, perhaps, in K's first POV where he's decided to chase them (which might also help justify his decision; his motivations at the moment feel a little thin). 

On 10/29/2019 at 10:41 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "After what he’d done to J, rejecting her… "
--has this been mentioned before? Good motivation, but seems late in coming.

100% agree.

On 10/30/2019 at 1:50 AM, Robinski said:

t's certainly a bit heavier in Book 1, I think, but there references earlier in this book to how Q abandoned J because of the child.

Yeah, those references are there, but this is the first indication that we've had that this is something Mor cares about.

On 10/29/2019 at 5:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:

maybe the political situation could be used as a bit of a connection device between the multiple storylines?

I think this is 100% what needs to happen.

On 10/30/2019 at 5:54 AM, Mandamon said:

Yeah, I do remember that, but I wasn't clear on if that was some deeper protocol the techs were blindly following, or if they were actually planted to help DM cause chaos

I'd sort of assumed they were plants, but you're right, it's not entirely clear. That said, I don't know that it's something I need to know as a reader, personally. 

Edited by Silk
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I was thinking I was finally going to be on time with crits and then I fell down the NaNoWriMo rabbit hole a few days before it technically started...

So, my biggest complaint about this chapter was there seemed to be italics random places and I didn't understand why most of them were there. 

I did like getting little snippets of everyone, various pieces in the puzzle. I agree with @Mandamon that they are more about people moving to places, but I didn't really have a problem with it because it wasn't Q & M.  

I liked the sheriff POV, though I kind of wanted a little more, almost, to help me fully understand what was going on with the other sheriff's he was talking to. 

DM 's part raised more questions than it answered. It sort of clarified his motives -- the questions it raised were more about the OM, Q's backstory with his wife and son, and the mystery sealed level I have SO MANY THEORIES about that are all probably wrong. 

I liked the E chapter and the emotion in it. However, I was struggling with the geography a little. I couldn't quite picture her surroundings once she got into the town. I wasn't sure about the significance of where she was going and where that was in relation to everything else. 

On 11/2/2019 at 7:18 PM, kais said:

I think you could up the flirting and noticing with E and the boat captain a bit to showcase what is going on. I feel like we were told and we could have very, very easily been shown....but I realize you might not be as up on how lesbians flirt to have included that.

I was completely oblivious to the flirting. I didn't know there was flirting until I read this comment.

Granted, I do tend to be kind of slow to pick up on things like that IRL...but still...

 

Overall, I was pretty engaged throughout, but I do feel like I'm missing something -- some connection that I hope to be getting soon.  

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Hey Kais, many thanks for reading. Much appreciated.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

I think you could up the flirting and noticing with E and the boat captain a bit to showcase what is going on.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

but I realize you might not be as up on how lesbians flirt to have included that

Right. I'll speak to you about that in PM, I think rather than here. We know EM's position on there things, but I had no particular notion that the young women would be that way inclined. So what I'm thinking is attraction on EM's part, not returned by the young woman, but that evokes in EM her feelings towards TT, a potentially a fair degree of guilt.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:
On 29/10/2019 at 5:41 PM, Mandamon said:

Q seeing a blip that the sheriff is coming after him, recruiting other sheriffs along the way.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

Thinking about this again, I realise that I kind of glossed over 'blip' in responding to @Mandamon. I think at the time I did not really follow what a 'blip' was, but I see the point now as I come across this again. I will look at the potential to cut K's scene in the car and add a 'blip' somewhere in Q and M's POV.

On 30/10/2019 at 8:50 AM, Robinski said:
Quote

pg 21: "E took the wheel and steered out"
--I was half convinced E was going to kill her or something...

Mor was going to kill her? That was his intention.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

I was also concerned about this!

OMG!! :o  I must have been half asleep responding to @Mandamon, I misread his comment. You thought E was going to kill the young woman?!?! :o:o  Ooh, I really wasn't going for that, but I like that you both thought she was that close to the edge that DM's taint might have rubbed off her ( :huh:... no pun intended).

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 3: he splashed water on his face while in the car? Didn't that get him and his seat wet?

Okay, dabbed or attend or something other than splashed.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 4: There’s some of weird crap going on up there <--- missing a word in there?

Cut 'of'.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 5: LOL at the VD joke

Funny the things you didn't notice the first nine times your wrote/read something.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 6: is there supposed to be a space in this? MacGillacuddy

Eh, no? It's an Irish name.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 8: the animal on animal play by play is a touch confusing. Might be WRS. I'm trying to remember the specifics of each and what they do, and its all getting a bit jumbled. And I want to understand, because the GMO animals are such fun and having watched Jurassic Park in my formative years, velociraptors give me all kinds of shivers

Cool. I think I've tidied that up. It's so much fun having the VRs in the story. I figure they're not copyrighted :unsure: 

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 10 and around: there are a lot of random italics in these pages

I think I've got these. I've being putting dialogue of people at the there end of calls in italics. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it might go.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 13: WRS? How did E get away from the animals? I don't remember

I really think it's WRS.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 14: F---. So, it’s true?<--- suggest deleting 'so it's true?' since it that part kind of kills the importance of the f-bomb

Right... I wanted to show that E still doubts that T is bad, even though she sees this rationale for how T might have played her.

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 16: I'm not convinced she'd flip on her lover like that. Think about, it sure. Lesbians are nothing if not deeply in love with thinking and talking about emotions, but I have a hard time with her settling on that after such a short thought process. Also it makes me think less of her. If grief and love drove her this far, grief and love would rose color any of T's actions, rationality irrelevant

Right, maybe some tuning needed here...

On 02/11/2019 at 11:18 PM, kais said:

- pg 17: wait, back on T again? Hadn't she convinced herself T was part of the problem? I'm confused

- pg 21: I had to wait until the last line on the last page to get an idea of what decision she had actually made. Her choice of where to go might have been too oblique? Or maybe that's WRS?

I was trying to leave the reader on the edge, like E is, about what she was going to do. Then make it look like she was abandoning T by sailing away, then she only goes so far south before turning around towards YK. I think I need to tweak this. There was a reason she ditched her phone when she did, but actually it would be more dramatic if she did it right at the end, I think.

Great comments as always. Thank you so much! :) 

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Hey Silk, thank you so much for reading an commenting. I just lost half a 'page' of response replying to you because of stupid / too convenient MacBook swipe back and forward. I hate recreating stuff, so very quick rehash...

On 07/11/2019 at 3:46 PM, Silk said:

p3 Does “the reds” refer to the RCMP…? - Yes, tweaked for non-Canucks.

Very top of p4, “hospital room” needs a closing quote mark. - Check

K’s comment about “reminds me if you in grade nine” and “I’d have locked you up” strikes me as weirdly paternalistic. Which is fine if that’s the characterization you’re going for. - True. Nothing to do with the fact that he's definitely not influence by Jim Hopper.

Isn’t it winter? Why is the car’s air conditioning on? (More likely regionally to be abbreviated as “AC” or “air” than “air con.”) - Funny thing, my car uses AC to clear ice. Conditioning air could just as well mean heating. Anyway, that line's gone!

Wait, so the MTs have attacked five people, but haven’t managed to kill anyone? (If they’re still in hospital…) - I think this was a retcon for benefit of E's POV, but can't remember why.

Still wondering why the VLs are wandering around the service bay if they’re programmed to hunt other GMO animals, when the CGs are presumably long-gone. - It's gone by the next paragraph. I like to think it was just checking Mor was okay :P 

Also, releasing a small number of MTs to cause a panic makes sense to me, but I’m not really sure what is gained by now releasing everything and the kitchen sink? I mean, more panic, yes, but it seemed like the panic that we already had was working well enough to further the election plot. This just seems like it would be harder for Gen to wash its hands of its involvement after the fact. And if the plan was to release all of the animals, why didn't that just happen when the first set of MTs was released? If the plan has changed, why? - Mor's POV, including the plan, is down was much tidying in the next edit. Thanks for flagging.

Side note: all of these animals are going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Something for book 3? ;) - Welllllll, Book 3 is planned out, so may be Book 4.

On the other hand, I’m glad to see that J and V are in on it. That negates a lot of my comments in the previous chapter about there being witnesses to the Mor/E scene. - Excellent!

I’m guessing the other comments have picked up on this already, but there’s something very weird going on with the italicization throughout this sub. - Yeah. Not sure what's happening. It's supposed to be people in diaglogue but not in the location of the scene, but it seems to get a but skew-wif sometimes.

So, where was I...

On 07/11/2019 at 3:46 PM, Silk said:

that E at this point seems to be heading away from the plot

Mm-hmm.

On 07/11/2019 at 3:46 PM, Silk said:

I'd also agree that the POV section from K didn’t really add much in terms of new information. I don’t think having a reminder that he’s out there chasing Q&M is necessarily a bad thing, but yes, the scene should bring something new to the table. New information or a complication for one of the main storylines.

Mm-HMM. Fair point. I'll consider what new this scene might bring to the table.

On 07/11/2019 at 3:46 PM, Silk said:

you would think it would have come up at the time, or, perhaps, in K's first POV where he's decided to chase them (which might also help justify his decision; his motivations at the moment feel a little thin).

Okay. I'd been playing on the fact that maybe it took some time to get the information, but I take your point.

On 07/11/2019 at 3:46 PM, Silk said:
On 29/10/2019 at 5:41 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "After what he’d done to J, rejecting her… "
--has this been mentioned before? Good motivation, but seems late in coming.

100% agree.

Only very obliquely. I'll need to go back and foreshadow this in Mor's POV in relation to his thoughts about Q.

On 07/11/2019 at 3:46 PM, Silk said:
On 30/10/2019 at 0:45 AM, industrialistDragon said:

maybe the political situation could be used as a bit of a connection device between the multiple storylines?

I think this is 100% what needs to happen.

Yeah, there is a fairly easy win on this point, that I have in mind. I will introduce the connections in the next edit.

Great comments. Thanks so much, Silk :) 

Edited by Robinski
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Hey, SSmooth, thanks very much for reading.

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was thinking I was finally going to be on time with crits and then I fell down the NaNoWriMo rabbit hole a few days before it technically started...

Ah, the old Nano trap. Good luck!

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

So, my biggest complaint about this chapter was there seemed to be italics random places and I didn't understand why most of them were there.

Fixed, I think. It's supposed to show people at the other end of a call, but has got mixed up.

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I did like getting little snippets of everyone, various pieces in the puzzle. I agree with @Mandamon that they are more about people moving to places, but I didn't really have a problem with it because it wasn't Q & M.  

Cool. I'm going to be strengthening rationales in the next draft, so that hopefully will make the whole structure stronger.

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I liked the sheriff POV, though I kind of wanted a little more, almost, to help me fully understand what was going on with the other sheriff's he was talking to. 

I've got some notes on this. There's a good fix for it that ties in to other comments.

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

DM 's part raised more questions than it answered. It sort of clarified his motives -- the questions it raised were more about the OM, Q's backstory with his wife and son, and the mystery sealed level I have SO MANY THEORIES about that are all probably wrong. 

Ooh, good. Maybe they're not ;) 

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I liked the E chapter and the emotion in it. However, I was struggling with the geography a little. I couldn't quite picture her surroundings once she got into the town. I wasn't sure about the significance of where she was going and where that was in relation to everything else. 

Okay, I can clarify this.

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was completely oblivious to the flirting. I didn't know there was flirting until I read this comment.

Heh. It's an eye thing, apparently. I was not fully away of what I was doing there.

On 09/11/2019 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Overall, I was pretty engaged throughout, but I do feel like I'm missing something -- some connection that I hope to be getting soon.  

I think this is as much a fault of the storytelling as anything else. I've got various good fixes that I hope will strengthen a lot of these issues.

Thanks for the comments. Much appreciated :) 

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4 hours ago, Robinski said:

K’s comment about “reminds me if you in grade nine” and “I’d have locked you up” strikes me as weirdly paternalistic. Which is fine if that’s the characterization you’re going for. - True. Nothing to do with the fact that he's definitely not influence by Jim Hopper.

Hah! Fantastic.

4 hours ago, Robinski said:

I like to think it was just checking Mor was okay :P 

Awww!

 I would have thought it would have zeroed in on the CGs, though, unless those were also still hanging around.

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