Whispers of Shadow, Prologue to my novel

[Wyndlerunner]

Please let me know what you think!

Spoiler

 

Prologue: Whispers of Shadow

 

Jerrin Seder was proud of his inn, The Weary Wanderer. It was one of the most prosperous inns along the Great Road between Zahra and the Faorian Empire. It was in this borderless land of banditry and anarchy that Jerrin had carved out a place for himself, and a reputation: every traveler knew that The Weary Wanderer was the safest inn in the Aelor Hills- a truth maintained via several savvy business deals.

Jerrin always had a steady stream of business, but tonight was something else. Traveler after traveler made their way to The Weary Wanderer, and their gold made its way to Jerrin’s pockets. So it was that he was in quite a jolly mood, quietly singing an old folk song, “Come all ye weary, come share an ale, come leave your burdens, and your gold in me pail.”

His reverie was interrupted by Meria, the head barmaid, who raised an eyebrow as she entered the backroom. “Fine time to be celebrating” She noted, accusation heavy in her voice, “When so many people ‘ave no place to call home.” She bustled about as usual, grabbing mugs, plates and cutlery. “Who am I to question the source of sweet wealth?” Jerrin asked, melodramatically, “I only know that tragedy tends to deepen my coffers”

Meria turned about, staring down Jerrin with the most indignant glare she could muster. “Now listen here you crooked old man- Oi’d give you a talking to you’d never forget, but that’s beside my point” she said, “There’s a man outside ‘oo wants to see you about a room.” Jerrin blinked in surprise- For all of Meria’s motherly airs, she never forced him to see to guests on such busy occasions. This stranger must truly unnerve her he thought, and shuddered. That was not a pleasant thought. No, not at all.

****

Aeven sat down at the bar, and waited for the man who ran the inn to show himself. As usually happened in a public place, the Shadow approached behind him, and whispered in his ear, “Use it. The Power I grant you.” The Shadow’s voice was rich and seductive, and its plea was enticing. “No” Aeven said to the entity, “I will not destroy them”, the response drawing the attention from the men near him. Nobody ever saw The Shadow except him, nobody else bore the brunt of its temptation. Of course, even without speaking to an unseen, unheard, being, Aeven drew stares-  likely due to the geometric runes that were tattooed across his upper body in a deep crimson.

At a distinct clank of a mug, Aeven looked up to see the Innkeeper standing above him. “So, you are Jerrin Seder?” he asked, with an attempt at a casual tone. The innkeeper looked like a mouse suddenly confronted by a cat- he took that as a sign that his tone had been anything but casual. “Yes,” Jerrin said with a gulp, “That would be me.” The man attempted to regain his composure and continued with his own attempt at casuality- “Meria told me you were interested in a room?” He asked.  “That can wait” Aeven said with an intimidating brusqueness to his voice, “I would first like to congratulate you on founding such a prosperous establishment.” The innkeeper brightened, anxiety leaving his posture. “Ah, yes” The man said, “Thankfully the bandits don’t seem to pay us much heed.” Aeven smiled, now it was time to go in for the kill- “Well that makes sense,” He noted, “Given you’re paying them off to stay away.” 

****

Panic hit Jerrin’s mind. Who is this man? He thought desperately, One of Riao’s new messengers? Dozens of similar thoughts flew through his mind- each reaching the same conclusion in chorus in his mind: I’m Dead. About the same time, the panic left his thoughts and started manifesting itself into his body language. What had been but a moment before, a man confident in his position, was now floundering in anxious panic. “Who do you think you are?” he hissed to the man, “How do you know what you know?” The tattooed stranger gave an eerie smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “A little bird told me” the stranger said, raising his left palm to showcase a mark very different from the rest of his body: a raven with wings outstretched, a single eye glaring outward. Jerrin gazed at the mark in shock, and nearly fell over backwards. “I apologize, great one, I was foolish to hinder your way. What can I provide for you?”

***

The Innkeeper’s pathetic groveling continued for some time, and Aeven smiled inwardly. It had been a rather shrewd idea to associate himself with one of the more infamous crime syndicates in all of Zahra, even if the association went little deeper than the mark on his skin. The Nigrium Alais were no small deal in the underground, and their mark had proven useful to Aeven on many occasions. “Fear not, Master Seder” Aeven said, doing his best at a munificent tone, “Your secret is safe with me. I simply require a room for the night. I have business to see to in the Faorian Empire.”

The innkeeper gave a deep bow, “As you wish, Mi’lord.” he said, eyes darting back and forth, and flinching at the slightest noise. Typical, Aeven thought, Yet another man defeated by fear.  “You should kill him, kill them all, every last one of them.” The Shadow said, voice rich and alluring. In place of eyes and a mouth, The Shadow’s face was delineated by a single large rune. Revore- the rune meaning death, in the ancient language of the Zahrans. Each time he spoke, the rune pulsated with a glowing violet light. “Use the Power, Aeven.” The Shadow said, whispering in Aeven’s ear. “No.” Aeven whispered, “Not today.”  The Shadow laughed sinisterly. “You said that yesterday as well, and you remember what came of that.”

And you remember what came of that. The Shadow’s words ran through Aeven’s mind consistently, unable to let it leave his mind. The Shadow always seemed more powerful after sundown- harder to resist. Aeven did remember the event The Shadow spoke of- and he recalled it with deep regret. “Use my Powers, Aeven.” The Shadow whispered “Kill them- they are mistreating the poor, they are benefitting from their loss.” Aeven sobbed, it was too much. Too much. He couldn’t say no.

***

Jerrin awoke to the smell of smoke, and the crackling of flames. “Oh, hells!” he cursed under his breath, as he threw off his blankets, and made his way to the doors. He stepped into a common room engulfed in flames. Jerrin’s eyes widened with shock at the sight. What he was witnessing was most definitely fire, but it was no ordinary fire. Instead of the warming oranges and yellows that were standard with fire; these flames were pure black, tinged with violet. And the most disturbing sight of all was a man, crimson tattoos glowing with light, laughing in the center of it all. Around him were bodies, dead and burning. Jerrin gasped at the sight of Meria, the motherly barmaid who had badgered him so; dead- the screams of terror and pain still etched on her rapidly deteriorating face. Jerrin let out a scream of terror, and the laughing man froze, and looked directly at him, and snapped his fingers. Jerrin felt a shock of pain flew through his body, as the black flames began to feed off of his skin. He wept and fell to the floor, and saw no more. 

The next day, nothing was left of the Weary Wanderer, and no stories remained of the strange tattooed man, and no one remained to tell them. 

 

It had begun.

 

[Jaywalk]

I really enjoyed this! It does a great job of setting up an interesting story ahead; I can't wait to see where it goes. The characters were very nicely done. Excellent work with making them distinct, as well as characterizing them quickly.

[Wyndlerunner]

34 minutes ago, Jaywalk said:

I really enjoyed this! It does a great job of setting up an interesting story ahead; I can't wait to see where it goes. The characters were very nicely done. Excellent work with making them distinct, as well as characterizing them quickly.

Thank you for your kind words Jay! Characterization was one of my larger worries, given that Jerrin's dead by the end of the prologue, and Aeven is kind of fulfilling a 'mysterious character' archetype

[+ILuvHats]

Color me intrigued. Do you have more written yet, or did you just start writing this story?

[Rask]

Nice set up for a story, occasionally a sentence would feel clunky but that's something to fix in the last stages of editing. The Characterization was nice and I especially liked the little song the innkeeper sings.

The constant POV switching was a bit much for me.

If you feel like posting any more feel free, we're always happy to contribute. Best on luck in you're writing! 

[Wyndlerunner]

14 hours ago, ILuvHats said:

Color me intrigued. Do you have more written yet, or did you just start writing this story?

I have the general plot figured out, but this is all I have at the moment.

Also, it is so nice to know that other people besides me find this story interesting.

 

50 minutes ago, Rask said:

Nice set up for a story, occasionally a sentence would feel clunky but that's something to fix in the last stages of editing. The Characterization was nice and I especially liked the little song the innkeeper sings.

The constant POV switching was a bit much for me

Duly noted on the POV stuff. Generally I want to keep chapters to 1 or 2 POV switches, and in the best case not at all. Also, I'm glad you liked the Innkeeper's song- that little ditty was inspired directly by 'Master of the House' from Les Mis, and was my indulgence in this chapter.

[Rask]

16 minutes ago, Wyndlerunner said:

I have the general plot figured out, but this is all I have at the moment.

Also, it is so nice to know that other people besides me find this story interesting.

 

Duly noted on the POV stuff. Generally I want to keep chapters to 1 or 2 POV switches, and in the best case not at all. Also, I'm glad you liked the Innkeeper's song- that little ditty was inspired directly by 'Master of the House' from Les Mis, and was my indulgence in this chapter.

Ha ha! I love it! That's one on my favorite broadway songs, I wouldn't have guessed the influence but I can totally see it now. 

[Xardan Ta'Caran]

I'm with everyone else. This sets the stage for what could be an incredible story. I look forward to reading more (if you share that is). ;-)

[Wyndlerunner]

1 hour ago, Xardan Ta'Caran said:

I'm with everyone else. This sets the stage for what could be an incredible story. I look forward to reading more (if you share that is). ;-)

I'm working on it as we speak

[Lunu’anaki]

I'm in here a bit late but I wanted to say you've got something really great here and I look forward to seeing more!!

As was stated above, the POV changes are a lot to take in, consider reworking the scene to fit into one, maybe two character's perspectives. And only switch perspectives once. I could see this scene taking place from Aevan's perspective all the way up to the point that Jerrin wakes up to the smell of smoke.

Aevan is a very interesting character!! Jerrin and Meria's dynamic in the beginning is great. I'd love to see where this story goes.

[Wyndlerunner]

9 hours ago, Lunu’anaki said:

I'm in here a bit late but I wanted to say you've got something really great here and I look forward to seeing more!!

As was stated above, the POV changes are a lot to take in, consider reworking the scene to fit into one, maybe two character's perspectives. And only switch perspectives once. I could see this scene taking place from Aevan's perspective all the way up to the point that Jerrin wakes up to the smell of smoke.

Aevan is a very interesting character!! Jerrin and Meria's dynamic in the beginning is great. I'd love to see where this story goes.

Thank you good sir! I shall consider your feedback, so thank you for the constructive criticism 

[+ILuvHats]

I didn't really have time to post my thoughts after the first time through, but now I do have time. 

I really enjoyed how quick paced it was, but IMO there needs to be a bit more meat in there. The character's personalities feel very fleshed out, but their connections to their environment and there lives feels a little lacking. An example is when Jerrin looks at the burning bodies, the only one he mentions by name is Meria. It feels a little weird that he doesn't give any thought to any of the others burning. From his opening perspective, I was under the perception that although he liked Meria, their relationship wasn't any closer than you'd expect between an innkeeper and one of his employees. So you could just run through some more names, maybe short descriptions before Jerrin dies, that way it doesn't feel like the inn was so full of faceless people. 

I'd say more, but now I have to go again. Curses.

[Wyndlerunner]

47 minutes ago, ILuvHats said:

I didn't really have time to post my thoughts after the first time through, but now I do have time. 

I really enjoyed how quick paced it was, but IMO there needs to be a bit more meat in there. The character's personalities feel very fleshed out, but their connections to their environment and there lives feels a little lacking. An example is when Jerrin looks at the burning bodies, the only one he mentions by name is Meria. It feels a little weird that he doesn't give any thought to any of the others burning. From his opening perspective, I was under the perception that although he liked Meria, their relationship wasn't any closer than you'd expect between an innkeeper and one of his employees. So you could just run through some more names, maybe short descriptions before Jerrin dies, that way it doesn't feel like the inn was so full of faceless people. 

I'd say more, but now I have to go again. Curses.

Thank you for your insights. It definitely can be difficult to flesh out characters when you know they're going to both be dead at the end of the chapter- and that most of the people there were only there to stay the night.

[+ILuvHats]

49 minutes ago, Wyndlerunner said:

and that most of the people there were only there to stay the night.

That’s true. I guess it depends how big the inn was and how many people worked there.

One more thing, I think you could be a bit more descriptive when Jerrin wakes to the fire. It felt a little dry, and it wouldn’t take a lot to make the scene feel more visceral by describing (for example, the acrid smoke searing his nostrils and throat, the unbearable heat as he approached the door to the room on fire. Especially because it’s fire which has strong sensory details associated with it. All small changes though. You really did a good job, much better than I could have. 

[Silverbard]

I did a quick glance through this and I like it.  I plan to come back later and do a more in-depth  read.

 I will agree that the constant switching of POV is a bit jarring... personally I found myself more interested in Aeven, and I would venture to say you could probably do the entire scene from his POV with little trouble... only switching POVs at the end, when you write Jerrin’s demise.   Most of what we learn of Jerrin can be easily explained through Aeven’s POV, IMO... I mean, if he already knows that Jerrin is paying off the bandits to stay away, then he probably has a good idea about most of the other stuff. 
 

As I said, I plan to come back to this.   looking forward to reading more!