Robinski - 191016 - TCC Chapter 0E (14) - 4770 words (L)

[Robinski]

I'm sorry this is so late. Good intentions to get an edit done, but it took longer than expected (what a surprise).

Anyway, here is the chapter recap, many thanks for reading and comments if you get the chance. No pressure.

01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;

02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;

03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT;

04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem

05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;

06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;

07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;

08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;

09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;

10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;

11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;

12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM;

13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening.

 

Cheers, Robinski

[Mandamon]

Overall, this was more exciting than the last few chapters. My main concern is that now I don't understand DM's motivations. Did we ever learn why he's pulling E-C apart from the inside? He's going in a very roundabout method as well, when he's already chief of security. That's were all the suspicion is going to land once he's done, and I don't see how authorities aren't going to figure everything out.

Also, I'm very confused on what DM hoped to accomplish at the end of the chapter with E. For all his supposed competency, he's only managed to kill one of three people. Now he's releasing the animals that kill all the other problem animals, and hoping they go after the human they're coded not to? Seems like a very risky plan which didn't have much chance of working (and didn't...)

Also still wondering with Q&M are going to do about all this. Their investigation seems very far away from whatever else is going on, and they've got no stake in the largest danger, which is the creatures loose in YK. They could literally walk away and no one would fault them, or even know they were there.

Anyway, still looking forward to how this all wraps up. I'm assuming not many chapters left?

 

Notes while reading:

pg 2: "Although things were out of hand, she had been back at the helm"
--so this is after Q's call from last chapter? We're caught up to real time now?

pg 3: "“Not that kind of test,” said the woman."
--can she tell what E thinks just from her face? Also, what kind of test was E thinking of, because I have no idea.

pg 4: "I doubt it, and so does the president."
--the prime minister?

pg 4: "she didn’t know how she knew, but she just knew."
--okay, but it seems very plotful.

pg 7: "It was Con. C."
--Who is this again?

pg 10: "Armageddon protocol"
--this is the one that just kills the creatures, right? Can they not grow more? I'm wondering why this and not everything else would end E's career.

pg 11: "Coded not to attack humans, she reminded herself, coded to seek and destroy unwanted terra-fauna"
--oh, well then why didn't they let these creatures out first of all? This seems less like Armageddon and more like first response, unless they're not sure of the creature's code.

pg 12: “Emergency protocol one-Mike-two,” 
--this, however, I'm concerned about.

pg 12: "It was him!"
--This response is so quick I had to go back and check that I wasn't missing some other clue. I think if E came to this conclusion this quickly, she must have suspected something, but that hasn't come out in the story.

pg 13: "they were still in the lift"
--wait what? I thought she saw them loaded in. Maybe need some clearer blocking in here.

pg 13: "the wimpy little child-hands"
--these do not seem made for killing anything...

pg 14: "circumvented the laws of robotics fifteen months ago"
--okaaaay. This seems awfully convenient. I thought DM was working against E-C, but for TOM? Or am I getting my motivations mixed up. I'm really not that sure why he's doing all this in the first place.

pg 14: "Two were showing an interest in Morton, the other pair were closing on her."
--I somehow got the idea that there were only two of them...I don't think it was clear how many there were.

pg 14: "internal emergency."
--I mean, she could also call an outside emergency number, as there are obviously some big shenanigans going on in the company.

pg 14: "The goods lift is going to be busy today,"
--not sure what this means...bringing up other creatures? Why?

pg 15: "“It’s the che-ga"
--The what now? Did we learn about these before? And won't the saurians just focus on them instead of E?

pg 16: "which would have killed her by now if they were going to"
--yeah, I mean in this situation, I'd probably be testing my luck against them and getting to safety as quick as I could, rather than letting them herd me. I know it would be much harder in person, but just getting frustrated at E just standing there the whole time.

pg 17: Glad there's finally some action here, but I'm very unsure of DM's plan. I'm not sure how he was going to make sure any of the creatures killed E when some were programmed to hunt the others. Maybe she would get caught in the fight, but it still seems pretty sloppy.

[industrialistDragon]

Overall, I felt like this was a bit jittery. I had a lot of trouble placing this chapter into the context of the rest of the story, and a lot of WRS. Everything feels disjointed now, and I'm losing the threads of where we started and why Q and M are even in this, and why Mor is acting the way he is. 

 

As I go:

“Not that kind of test,” -- What kind of test? 

"Take the lead, keep control" -- in an interrogation? I'm confused. Who is this non-E person? Have there been some changes to previous chapters that would tell us who this person is? I don't remember E getting arrested, but I'm decently sure that's WRS... Is this even an interrogation? I'm so confused.

Wait, where did the lawyer come from? Was he listening the whole time? I love a good "jerk-with-power gets cowed by lawyers" bit, but I'm really confused. Is that name he mentions supposed to mean something to me? I'm just blanking on so much here, sorry. 

"He seemed to coral his temper" -- corral? Coral is the stuff in the oceans, I thought... 

I'm a little confused why everyone at the science site is so grim. The creatures aren't top-secret, the lab isn't top-secret, Mor's coverup has a clear fall-gal, so, honestly, Gen and E seem decently insulated from any repercussions. Maybe its my jaded American nature, but surely a boss-lady like E could spin her company's fast, open, and complete cooperation and response into more backside-covering. She might still be forced to resign, but I feel like businesspeople at that high level don't let a little thing like potential implication in several deaths and corporate espionage keep them from getting hired somewhere else -- especially if they can point to the competent and liability-reducing way they handled the crisis as a counter. None of the lackeys were even high enough on the totem pole to matter, so I feel like they'd only be in danger if public outcry forced the company into some ritual bloodletting as atonement. I guess I'm just not believing, from a hard-nosed corporate standpoint, that everything's gone all to pot like they're acting like. I may be thinking too much into this. 

Wait, they're releasing more predators to kill the other predators? I thought they were going to use the kill-bots. Don't they all have kill bots in them? Am I remembering that right from the beginning? I mean, if you've got foxes in the henhouse, is the answer really to go get a bunch of hungry wolves to (hopefully) eat the foxes? I understood wanting to recover valuable assets with the least amount of damage, but using more expensive, potentially bad PR-generating assets to destroy them seems really... unbusinesslike.

It's nice to see E putting together things that I-as-a-reader have known for quite a while but, I agree with @Mandamon that it feels like it comes up out of nowhere from a character standpoint. E has a baseline hatred of Mor, but beyond that, I can't remember her showing any kind of suspicion that Mor's involvement in the incident is as the perpetrator or the murderer of T. 

The action is good with the dinos, but I felt like the blocking was a little shaky. I wasn't quite sure where all the critters and all the people were while they were interacting. Was Mor safely behind glass or in with them at the end? And they were in some kind of warehouse with a sort of garage door? I wasn't too clear on the space they were in. My thoughts were when we saw this the first time were that it was very small, so maybe it's just me. 

I'm with Mandamon again, in that I'm very confused as to Mor's plan. He has a gun. He has meat-eating super-critters. He has total control of all data-based security recorders. Why can't he just shoot a dude and feed the "meat" to the critters? Why do this elaborate Bond-villain plan? I don't understand the long term goals here for Mor.   

 

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks for reading, Mandamon. Really appreciate you sticking with it.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

Overall, this was more exciting than the last few chapters. My main concern is that now I don't understand DM's motivations. Did we ever learn why he's pulling E-C apart from the inside? He's going in a very roundabout method as well, when he's already chief of security. That's were all the suspicion is going to land once he's done, and I don't see how authorities aren't going to figure everything out.

Exciting is good! I think it's lost in previous chapters, and I will need to overhaul DM's motivation [Done]. Basically he is creating a situation of chaos so the president can call in the soldiers and save the day. DM works for E-C, but the company running the operation in YK is Gen-X. E-C is the parent company of Gen-X. Again, I think this is lost in the 'small print' of previous chapters. I accept that the plot line is complicated, and I need to clarify the plot in places. I'm hoping that WRS is playing a part in these 'smaller' details, and that it's clearer in a total read through, but I will leave some clear and obvious breadcrumbs and key points [Done] I think, in Edit #3.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

Also, I'm very confused on what DM hoped to accomplish at the end of the chapter with E. For all his supposed competency, he's only managed to kill one of three people. Now he's releasing the animals that kill all the other problem animals, and hoping they go after the human they're coded not to? Seems like a very risky plan which didn't have much chance of working (and didn't...)

More clarification required in the narrative then. What is was going for was that he intended to shoot her, and leave her body in the bay to be ravaged by the beasts. He was playing the same game as with TT, and I was hoping the reader would see that coming a mile off, although E did not. I'm going to change up the details [Done] so that she doesn't bring have the key, but knows a backdoor into the truck because she signed the order for the trucks.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

Also still wondering with Q&M are going to do about all this. Their investigation seems very far away from whatever else is going on, and they've got no stake in the largest danger, which is the creatures loose in YK. They could literally walk away and no one would fault them, or even know they were there.

Anyway, still looking forward to how this all wraps up. I'm assuming not many chapters left?

We're close to them getting there. They did discuss walking away earlier, you may, or may not recall. Anyway, take your point on that. There are two very short chapters next. One, I think I'll cut completely as it's not need, the second I think I'll cut heavily fold back into E's chapter. Then the three get to YK. You've read ~63,000 words, but it's now ~58,000. There is about 50% of the word count left to go (  ), but I suspect this will be more like 50,000 than 60,000 by the time you read it--if you read it!!! The cuts are getting bigger as we go.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "Although things were out of hand, she had been back at the helm"
--so this is after Q's call from last chapter? We're caught up to real time now?

We are, there are a couple references to her call with Q to flag this.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "“Not that kind of test,” said the woman."
--can she tell what E thinks just from her face? Also, what kind of test was E thinking of, because I have no idea.

I've clarified this. Thanks. Added "the kind where you justify your existence."

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "I doubt it, and so does the president."
--the prime minister?

In this alternate future, Can has a pres, because of the alignment with the N-A-F.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "she didn’t know how she knew, but she just knew."
--okay, but it seems very plotful.

Good call. Reworded.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "It was Con. C."
--Who is this again?

Gen's security man. Edited.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "Armageddon protocol"
--this is the one that just kills the creatures, right? Can they not grow more? I'm wondering why this and not everything else would end E's career.

pg 11: "Coded not to attack humans, she reminded herself, coded to seek and destroy unwanted terra-fauna"
--oh, well then why didn't they let these creatures out first of all? This seems less like Armageddon and more like first response, unless they're not sure of the creature's code.

The remote termination on the MTs was turned off. There is a reference to that back at the time. Maybe I need a reminder here [Done]. They don't have approval to let V Ls run around in the city.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: “Emergency protocol one-Mike-two,” 
--this, however, I'm concerned about.

I'm hoping concerned in a good way, in that I was aiming for this to be a hint to the reader that he was about to do something bad.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "It was him!"
--This response is so quick I had to go back and check that I wasn't missing some other clue. I think if E came to this conclusion this quickly, she must have suspected something, but that hasn't come out in the story.

Yes, okay, edited.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "they were still in the lift"
--wait what? I thought she saw them loaded in. Maybe need some clearer blocking in here.

I referred to the loading, but it was supposed to be her mentally checking off that they were loaded, presuming it because the plastic tunnel had been folded away. Will review.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "the wimpy little child-hands"
--these do not seem made for killing anything...

I was thinking more T Rex. I've changed this.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "circumvented the laws of robotics fifteen months ago"
--okaaaay. This seems awfully convenient. I thought DM was working against E-C, but for TOM? Or am I getting my motivations mixed up. I'm really not that sure why he's doing all this in the first place.

I was aiming for chilling reveal. Hmm. DM works to TOM, correct. TOM owns E-C, and in turn Gen X. I think it's clearer in earlier chapters and the one with DM on the train. It's all about causing chaos so the president can send the guard in and save the day. I think this will be clearer in a full read through, but I've added a couple of call outs.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "Two were showing an interest in M, the other pair were closing on her."
--I somehow got the idea that there were only two of them...I don't think it was clear how many there were.

I've tagged it better. There are four of all the TF. I think this was in my head as much as anything else. Although I aimed to show it Chapter 3 (some time ago!).

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "internal emergency."
--I mean, she could also call an outside emergency number, as there are obviously some big shenanigans going on in the company.

I'll tweak this. I was trying to imply she still had some belief in the company (just not DM).

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "The goods lift is going to be busy today,"
--not sure what this means...bringing up other creatures? Why?

I'll clarify, but yes, you're right. The search was starting to be successful, DM is trying to stir the pot, create more chaos, swamp the search squads.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: "“It’s the che-ga"
--The what now? Did we learn about these before? And won't the saurians just focus on them instead of E?

We didn't. This was another reveal, but I can insert them earlier, if necessary. There will be some kind of fight in this closed in space, as a cover for DM killing E, that's his intention.

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 16: "which would have killed her by now if they were going to"
--yeah, I mean in this situation, I'd probably be testing my luck against them and getting to safety as quick as I could, rather than letting them herd me. I know it would be much harder in person, but just getting frustrated at E just standing there the whole time.

I'm trying to show her thinking her way out of this, but I need to work on that more, clearly. I'm going to give this line through the chapter an overhaul [Done].

On 17/10/2019 at 4:59 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 17: Glad there's finally some action here, but I'm very unsure of DM's plan. I'm not sure how he was going to make sure any of the creatures killed E when some were programmed to hunt the others. Maybe she would get caught in the fight, but it still seems pretty sloppy.

That was the intention, but as a cover for him shooting her (the mistake he made with TT. I will be going through the chapter and tidying up (a) DM's plan; and (b) EM's actions.

Thanks for the comments. Much appreciated. This is hard work (of my own making). I've got the Glasgow Circle tonight too for N E U Oblv. I've got to admit I'm suffering a bit from critical fatigue, I think. I dunno. I'm starting to think that maybe I need a break.

Anyway, many thanks  

Edited October 24, 2019 by Robinski

[Robinski]

I really do appreciate you reading, ID. Thank you.

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Overall, I felt like this was a bit jittery. I had a lot of trouble placing this chapter into the context of the rest of the story, and a lot of WRS. Everything feels disjointed now, and I'm losing the threads of where we started and why Q and M are even in this, and why Mor is acting the way he is.

Oh, dear. I've tidied a bit (see responses to Mandamon), but have more to do. It sounds like there are common issue here, which is good, I guess?

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

“Not that kind of test,” -- What kind of test?

Clarified.

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Who is this non-E person? Have there been some changes to previous chapters that would tell us who this person is? I don't remember E getting arrested, but I'm decently sure that's WRS... Is this even an interrogation? I'm so confused.

Ah. I did open the chapter with "Two FBI agents..." I thought that would be enough. It comes out in the chapter that she's SAIC.

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Wait, where did the lawyer come from? Was he listening the whole time? I love a good "jerk-with-power gets cowed by lawyers" bit, but I'm really confused. Is that name he mentions supposed to mean something to me? I'm just blanking on so much here, sorry.

Hey, not your fault!! E calls him. He's the corporate lawyer. I changed him from E-C and Gen X, which I hope is clearer.

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

"He seemed to coral his temper" -- corral? Coral is the stuff in the oceans

Oops, yes, thanks  

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Maybe its my jaded American nature, but surely a boss-lady like E could spin her company's fast, open, and complete cooperation and response into more backside-covering. She might still be forced to resign, but I feel like businesspeople at that high level don't let a little thing like potential implication in several deaths and corporate espionage keep them from getting hired somewhere else

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I guess I'm just not believing, from a hard-nosed corporate standpoint, that everything's gone all to pot like they're acting like. I may be thinking too much into this.

Maybe it is! Maybe it's us Brits who are more touchy about these things, and maybe I need to tune E's response, but I thought it was fair to have her upset about people dying on her watch. Sorry, that's not supposed to be a flippant comeback to the comment. Maybe I need to rebalance some of this stuff. I'll see how this plays out if I get enough voices to run some percentages.

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Wait, they're releasing more predators to kill the other predators? I thought they were going to use the kill-bots. Don't they all have kill bots in them? Am I remembering that right from the beginning? I mean, if you've got foxes in the henhouse, is the answer really to go get a bunch of hungry wolves to (hopefully) eat the foxes? I understood wanting to recover valuable assets with the least amount of damage, but using more expensive, potentially bad PR-generating assets to destroy them seems really... unbusinesslike.

I need to tidy this up, I think. The VLs are hunter-killers, yes, and there are some inconsistencies around that, as per Mandamon's comments, which I will fix. The CGs are DM messing things up more, and there is another strand about clarifying his motivation/job, to create chaos [Done].

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

It's nice to see E putting together things that I-as-a-reader have known for quite a while but, I agree with @Mandamon that it feels like it comes up out of nowhere from a character standpoint. E has a baseline hatred of Mor, but beyond that, I can't remember her showing any kind of suspicion that Mor's involvement in the incident is as the perpetrator or the murderer of T.

I think it's better now at least at her point of realisation. I hope that is smoother now, and more natural / believable.

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

The action is good with the dinos, but I felt like the blocking was a little shaky. I wasn't quite sure where all the critters and all the people were while they were interacting. Was Mor safely behind glass or in with them at the end? And they were in some kind of warehouse with a sort of garage door? I wasn't too clear on the space they were in. My thoughts were when we saw this the first time were that it was very small, so maybe it's just me.

It's the same space that TT was in, the garage / service bay. I will add a little description [Done].

On 20/10/2019 at 9:18 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I'm with Mandamon again, in that I'm very confused as to Mor's plan. He has a gun. He has meat-eating super-critters. He has total control of all data-based security recorders. Why can't he just shoot a dude and feed the "meat" to the critters? Why do this elaborate Bond-villain plan? I don't understand the long term goals here for Mor.   

I think it's clear in earlier chapters where he has discussions with TOM, and that WRS (plus the story structure) and causing problems now. His task is to create chaos, but I've taken an action to clarify that, simply.

Really appreciate the comments. Thanks ID.  

Edited October 24, 2019 by Robinski

[industrialistDragon]

49 minutes ago, Robinski said:

but I thought it was fair to have her upset about people dying on her watch

It definitely is! And I think it's a good source of conflict for her character. But I think maybe it's the focus that's feeling off to me? She keeps fretting about her career being over, and so far, it doesn't seem that way to me? She'd getting canned for sure; that's part of the corporate atonement ritual, fire someone in upper management to show the company "taking responsibility." Often as not, though, you hear about those same upper management types being headhunted into other corporations almost as soon as they make their "apology" press announcement, with little to no downtime. Or golden parachutes that boggle the mind for someone supposedly in "disgrace." I feel like maybe she should be worrying about the conflict between helping actually solve the problem by working with the people on the ground, which admits fault and shares corporate info by definition, and doing what shareholders and legal departments want --  to avoid all admissions of possible liability, clear things up with the least amount of info given to, and money spent on, the public at all costs, instead of trying to figure out how to keep this particular job?  Maybe.. maybe it's less her and more that there are none of these other corporate arms involved? I don't know. PR, Marketing, Legal, Compliance... I don't know.  Something just feels off about the way it's shaking out. Sorry.

[Mandamon]

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

Basically he is creating a situation of chaos so the president can call in the soldiers and save the day. DM works for E-C, but the company running the operation in YK is Gen-X. E-C is the parent company of Gen-X. Again, I think this is lost in the 'small print' of previous chapters. I accept that the plot line is complicated, and I need to clarify the plot in places.

Hmmm...Yes, this needs to be clarified a lot, maybe in the few DM POVS we have. I had no idea this was his objective. Getting the president involved makes the election coverage make sense as well, and this connection needs to be very clear to show what the stakes are.

[Robinski]

12 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Maybe.. maybe it's less her and more that there are none of these other corporate arms involved? I don't know. PR, Marketing, Legal, Compliance... I don't know.  Something just feels off about the way it's shaking out. Sorry.

No, no, this is all good stuff. You're right. This is very helpful  

[Robinski]

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Hmmm...Yes, this needs to be clarified a lot, maybe in the few DM POVS we have. I had no idea this was his objective. Getting the president involved makes the election coverage make sense as well, and this connection needs to be very clear to show what the stakes are.

Yes. I think it's there in the one or two, but not coming through them all. I will do that. It's classic me, assuming the reader is taking more from the half-buried hints that I'm leaving than it is reasonable to do. Thanks, this helps  

[shatteredsmooth]

After all the slow paced Q & M chapters, this one felt rushed. I was a little confused by the scene with E's lawyer. I felt like I was supposed to know who he was, but I didn't. WRS? 

Like @Mandamon, I didn't quite understand DMs plan. I'm guessing the VRs were a deception and the cgs were the real threat, but why wouldn't the vrs just kill the cgs as soon as they got there. 

After reading your responses, it looks like you've already revised / fixed some of the things I might have commented on.

Sorry I'm so behind and only leaving minimal comments. Hopefully I'll get to next week's in a more timely manner. 

[kais]

This is me, horribly late!

Overall

Good action. good progression. I liked this a lot! Some lesbian culture notes below, because I have to earn my keep somehow. I'm quite happy to keep reading and want to see the reunion of my favorite action adventure lesbian couple.

On 10/22/2019 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said:

I had no idea this was his objective.

Same here. I think we definitely need more about Mor's motivations, more clearly spelled out. I seem him as just a generic villain right now.

 

As I go

- pg 4: LOL @ 'apologies for eyebrows'

pg 6: needs more dialogue tags. I'm confused in a number of places as to who is talking

- pg 6: NOT CANADIAN TIRE!!!!

- pg 7: I like that Mor keeps using E's name. Very power play

- pg 9: Dyke's intuition. Hmm. Okay, I see what you are going for here. It pinged me weird but I'm trying to think what I would use in its place. I think I'd make a 'gaydar' joke and try to turn it into 'lesbo-dar' or something. The word dyke is a reclaimed slur, yes, but it has a certain use to it. I would use it when talking to another lesbian as something like: "yeah but she was dressed really really dykey" or I would use it to make a straight guy uncomfortable after he hit on me, like "you're barking up the wrong dyke tree." The word itself is used only really by lesbians about 35 and up right now. It's rather outdated and old. It places your character in a distinct reference point, which is why I think I bounced off it. This is the future and I have to wonder if that slur is still reclaimed or has morphed into what is more common now, which is just yelling GAYYYYYYYYYYYY any time something even remotely queer comes across one's radar. I think actually 'queer intuition' would do exactly what you want it too, and would make a lot more sense, if you were open to it

- pg 11: yes, nothing could possibly go wrong with velociraptors on the loose. NOTHING AT ALL

- pg 11: isn't she angry and upset? Why does she keep noting the chiseled exterior of Mor? Also his long legs? Would choose something more derogatory like 'ostrich legs' or something

- pg 12: 'budget didn't even stretch to beige" BAHAHA

- pg 15: ah yes, see if Mor is going to use 'dyke' here, then it doesn't work from her end as a reclaimed slur. Queer continues to be my suggestion for E

- pg 18: wait, she doesn't care that her hole will let the cheetah things free??

[Robinski]

On 27/10/2019 at 3:12 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

After all the slow paced Q & M chapters, this one felt rushed. I was a little confused by the scene with E's lawyer. I felt like I was supposed to know who he was, but I didn't. WRS? 

Like @Mandamon, I didn't quite understand DMs plan. I'm guessing the VRs were a deception and the cgs were the real threat, but why wouldn't the vrs just kill the cgs as soon as they got there. 

After reading your responses, it looks like you've already revised / fixed some of the things I might have commented on.

Sorry I'm so behind and only leaving minimal comments. Hopefully I'll get to next week's in a more timely manner. 

Hey, thanks for reading. I'm delighted that you've got the time to get caught up. Please don't worry about the brevity of the comments. Focus is good! Fair comments, for sure. There have been some revisions to this already, which I hope have improved it. Once I get through a complete edit, I'll let it sit, go do something else then come back and seek and alpha read or two  

[industrialistDragon]

For the love of kittens, I could have sworn i had the right thread open. Sorry!

Edited October 30, 2019 by industrialistDragon

[Robinski]

14 hours ago, kais said:

This is me, horribly late!

Not at all, I'm still working through revision, so it's all good  

14 hours ago, kais said:

Good action. good progression. I liked this a lot! Some lesbian culture notes below, because I have to earn my keep somehow.

Excellent. It's interesting that the reactions are quite mixed. I'm hoping that means that the nipping and tucking I've done will smooth things out and get a better general reaction without wholesale changes. I look forward to the notes.

15 hours ago, kais said:

I'm quite happy to keep reading and want to see the reunion of my favorite action adventure lesbian couple.

Awesome.

15 hours ago, kais said:

Same here. I think we definitely need more about Mor's motivations, more clearly spelled out. I seem him as just a generic villain right now.

That's cool. I think/hope I've done that in the revisions.

15 hours ago, kais said:

needs more dialogue tags

Done.

15 hours ago, kais said:

NOT CANADIAN TIRE!!!!

ROFL.

15 hours ago, kais said:

I like that Mor keeps using E's name. Very power play

 

15 hours ago, kais said:

It places your character in a distinct reference point, which is why I think I bounced off it. This is the future and I have to wonder if that slur is still reclaimed or has morphed into what is more common now, which is just yelling GAYYYYYYYYYYYY any time something even remotely queer comes across one's radar. I think actually 'queer intuition' would do exactly what you want it too, and would make a lot more sense, if you were open to it

I'm open to it. To some extent, it was intended as a mirror of Mor's own nasty thoughts about E in the cafeteria all those chapters ago, but I'm not wedded to it, and happy to take your advice on this topic. Queer intuition is fine. Thanks.

On 29/10/2019 at 3:52 AM, kais said:

Queer continues to be my suggestion for E

Check. Queer it is.

On 29/10/2019 at 3:52 AM, kais said:

wait, she doesn't care that her hole will let the cheetah things free??

Well, I was going for the fact that she was fighting for her life and not to be shot by Mor. Also, the fact that he had made it clear (I thought) that he was going to release all the t/f anyway.

Great comments. Thanks so much, Kais. Really appreciated  

[Robinski]

6 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

For the love of kittens, I could have sworn i had the right thread open. Sorry!

Aw, kittens!

[Silk]

As I read:

p3 "lacky" should be "lackey"

top of p4, "sometimes today" should be "sometime"

"We're just too busy to process you..." Is she being arrested? If so, shouldn't that just be said outright - and if they don't, shouldn't E be making a rather big deal of that? 

   Ah, I see she IS doing that. Good. I was just expecting her to ask if she was free to leave before throwing an attorney into the mix. 

Really, if they were going to start arresting people for this - and they probably should - there was nothing stopping them from doing it sooner. There might be some additional charges now, is all. 

Now E's thinking about her suspension, and I'm not entirely certain why? We've already established that it was Mor acting alone, and presumably if she didn't still have resources she'd already know it, since she's been back at work for a couple of days. 

"Apologies for eyebrows..." great description. 

Do people still use "put it to the sword" in 2099? 

p6: "He seemed to coral his temper"  should be "corral." 

Because of course there are velociraptors. Of course. In all seriousness, though, even without the assumption that Mor has messed with the coding, I'm a little surprised it didn't take more for Mor to convince E that this was a good idea? It seems like a bad PR move, and they have ... not a lot of time for this to shake out the way they hope it does. 

Also, I was surprised and maybe a little disappointed that the Armageddon option was "let's do the same thing, only different." 

p11 "...whatever them stumbles across" - "whatever they stumbled across?"

I was also really hoping to see E start to cotton on to Mor  before the revelation that that happens with the VLs. I think you were part of the way there with some of the stuff in this chapter, the emergency protocols and E asking Mor where he was, but the latter just seems like interpersonal tension during a difficult time and we don't really understand the significance of the former until it's revealed, so I think we're losing a bit of the buildup here--and we haven't really seen it elsewhere, except for Mor suspending E in the first place (which she doesn't seem to waste a lot of thought on). 

A fun way to get at this a bit might be E flashing back to having reviewed the footage of T’s incident with Mor. The reader is already experiencing some déjà vu (or at least, I certainly was) which I imagine is intentional; having E remember the footage of the first instance could be a great way to cue that what we think is happening is happening, although E doesn’t realise it quite yet. Or, she could start to have some totally unreasonable suspicions at this point based on the same.

p15 “Do you think T every dreamed…” should be “ever.”

Also p15, second instance of “CGs” – you’ve misspelled as “grators.”

As a change of pace, this chapter works really well. We spent a long time with Q and M in the previous chapter which had a very different feel, so it’s good to get back to this part of the story. It was a bit of a jolt coming back to E having been more or less arrested, but I think I can chalk this one up to WRS (see! I used the acronym!) since some kind of throwdown with the cops was pretty much inevitable the moment the bodies were discovered. My biggest comment is that the Gen chapters feel, structurally, like they’re at a very different place than the Q&M chapters. Q&M still feel like they’re heading towards a beginning, while this scene between E and Mor feels climatic, or nearly so.

On a more granular level, I don’t quite understand what Mor gets out of attempting to kill E at this particular moment, aside from the fact that he just got back into town. E’s released the vuds and had chats with Q and some cops, but doesn’t seem to have done or learned anything that would warrant her death, especially given the high public scrutiny that  Gen would be experiencing right now. E had to batter down the door with the truck in order to escape, so presumably his plan wasn’t just to let her escape and release the VLs or CGs onto the world. And concealing a gory death in the Gen basement with animals that never should have been out of the loading dock seems like it would be difficult to conceal at the best of times; this is not the best of times, and now there are android and human witnesses that saw him and E go down there just prior to that. This all seems very high-risk for very little reward.

On 10/17/2019 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

Also still wondering with Q&M are going to do about all this. Their investigation seems very far away from whatever else is going on, and they've got no stake in the largest danger, which is the creatures loose in YK

This is an excellent point. To be fair, there is also the plot thread with Q's son, but at the moment we have only vague hints about how that's going to come together (and aside from Q occasionally thinking about meeting his son, the last of those hints, if I recall correctly, came quite some time ago). 

On 10/17/2019 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "“Not that kind of test,” said the woman."

I see @industrialistDragon also called this one out. I stumbled too. 

On 10/17/2019 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "It was Con. C."
--Who is this again?

The name sounds at somewhat familiar so probably WRS, but I did have the same reaction.

On 10/17/2019 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "Armageddon protocol"
--this is the one that just kills the creatures, right?

I had the same assumption. And yeah, the VLs didn't seem all that ... Armageddon-y. 

Actually, I'm going to stop ease off on the quoting, I see that @Mandamelon, @industrialistDragon and I are on the same page about just about everything. 

On 10/17/2019 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "internal emergency."
--I mean, she could also call an outside emergency number, as there are obviously some big shenanigans going on in the company.

I was okay with this. Most likely an external emergency number would only arrive in time to clean up the bodies. 

On 10/17/2019 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: "“It’s the che-ga"
--The what now? Did we learn about these before? And won't the saurians just focus on them instead of E?

I was also okay with this. It's been fairly well-established that as far as modified beasties go, they pretty much have everything and the kitchen sink down there. 

On 10/22/2019 at 9:12 AM, Robinski said:

Basically he is creating a situation of chaos so the president can call in the soldiers and save the day.

That much I understood, and it was made clear early on, though a reminder couldn't hurt considering how much the political plotline is playing second fiddle. (Or third, or fourth.) What's missing for, me, personally, is what Mor and TOM actually get out of doing that, of which there has been, as far as I can tell.

On 10/22/2019 at 9:12 AM, Robinski said:

I'm hoping concerned in a good way, in that I was aiming for this to be a hint to the reader that he was about to do something bad.

This worked, I thought, but I wanted more of it. 

On 10/22/2019 at 10:42 AM, industrialistDragon said:

Maybe.. maybe it's less her and more that there are none of these other corporate arms involved? I don't know. PR, Marketing, Legal, Compliance... I don't know.

Yeah, this is a good catch. 

I'm going to have to cut this short, I'll review the rest of the comments at next opportunity to see if there's anything else I can muddy up contribute to.

[Robinski]

Hey Silk,

Delighted to have your comments, as always  

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

p3 "lacky" should be "lackey"

Well spotted.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

top of p4, "sometimes today" should be "sometime"

Now reworded.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

Is she being arrested? If so, shouldn't that just be said outright

Good point. I've rephrased slight so she questions straight away, but as you see, things play out a bit differently.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

Now E's thinking about her suspension, and I'm not entirely certain why?

I've reworded this line, including the part about resources. It's clearer now. Thanks!

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

Do people still use "put it to the sword" in 2099?

I guess they do! We still use it now, I guess about 200 years since many people were doing it, why not 280? Ooh, I feel some research coming on  

Huh. Will firstly, there is this one, which is just too good...

OMG, a hat was damaged!!

Then, curiously this one...

Kind of a faux duel, but still. (These are the from UK list. Other countries are listed separately, including Canada.)

So, discounting the second one, if duelling with swords was common around 1800, and we still use the phrase 219 years later, why not 299 years later? I will just assume P is a throwback, like me   And the Wiki page on duels is excellent entertainment  

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

p6: "He seemed to coral his temper"  should be "corral."

Yeah, thanks. This is one of my blindspot words. Someone else called it too.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

It seems like a bad PR move, and they have ... not a lot of time for this to shake out the way they hope it does.

Hmm. Yes, okay. I have kind of bagged this all with the protocol and hoped that was hand-wavy enough to carry it.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

option was "let's do the same thing, only different."

This is a good point. I've embellished the reference to include other facets, to make it sound like a more rounded strategy. Excellent catch. Thanks!

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

so I think we're losing a bit of the buildup here--and we haven't really seen it elsewhere, except for Mor suspending E in the first place

I've dropped a couple of lines in which hopefully shine a light on E's suspicions better.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

having E remember the footage of the first instance could be a great way to cue that what we think is happening is happening

Hmmm, nice idea. I will experiment with that... Okay, I've added a handful of lines and I think they will lead the reader into the correct conclusion for definitely than what was there before. Good suggestion  

I think I've got the typos now. Thanks for all the spots here.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

As a change of pace, this chapter works really well.

 Cool. 

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

see! I used the acronym!

Hurray! 

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

still feel like they’re heading towards a beginning, while this scene between E and Mor feels climatic, or nearly so

Yeah. I guess that's inevitable, given what they are doing and experiencing. I'll park this for a complete read through.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

don’t quite understand what Mor gets out of attempting to kill E at this particular moment

I was really going for him covering up loose ends, and people can testify to his direct involvement, in the case of TT. I'd say he thought that E would work it out, or hear it from Q. I guess I thought it was obvious, but... that's one of my bad habits, making assumptions that are just plain wrong! E would make the perfect stool pigeon as TT's accomplice, but again, I have not come out and stated that.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

On 22/10/2019 at 5:12 PM, Robinski said:

Basically he is creating a situation of chaos so the president can call in the soldiers and save the day.

That much I understood, and it was made clear early on, though a reminder couldn't hurt considering how much the political plotline is playing second fiddle.

Cool, I think I have that now in response to Man/ID's calling this. I'm glad some of those other things worked for you. They are still there, but with some reinforcement, I hope, as appropriate.

On 04/11/2019 at 11:39 PM, Silk said:

see if there's anything else I can muddy up contribute to.

Some very helpful 'muddying' in here. Thank you again for the comments!  

[Silk]

On 11/8/2019 at 4:06 AM, Robinski said:

I guess they do! We still use it now, I guess about 200 years since many people were doing it, why not 280?

Fair enough, I guess it's just a question of whether or not the cultural zeitgeist has changed enough by then!

On 11/8/2019 at 4:06 AM, Robinski said:

Huh. Will firstly, there is this one, which is just too good...

OMG, a hat was damaged!!

Anyone else feel a sudden, overwhelming urge to start writing stories about petticoat duels? No? Just me?

On 11/8/2019 at 4:06 AM, Robinski said:

Hmm. Yes, okay. I have kind of bagged this all with the protocol and hoped that was hand-wavy enough to carry it.

I mean, if this is existing protocol and nobody's done it at this point, maybe E should start to wonder why not. Might help to lay the groundwork for the later scene too.

[Robinski]

On 10/11/2019 at 7:14 PM, Silk said:

On 08/11/2019 at 0:06 PM, Robinski said:

Hmm. Yes, okay. I have kind of bagged this all with the protocol and hoped that was hand-wavy enough to carry it.

I mean, if this is existing protocol and nobody's done it at this point, maybe E should start to wonder why not. Might help to lay the groundwork for the later scene too.

Yeah. There's a bit where E recalls that she thought about it, but discounted it because she thought she could retrieve the situation with out out. I'll tag this for the Alpha read.

Thanks for the discourse!  

Edited November 13, 2019 by Robinski