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Robinski

Robinski - 191008 - TCC Chapter 0D - 4546 words (LGs)

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Hello all,
 
Here we are again. Any and all comments greatly appreciated, if you have the time and inclination to read.
 
Tagged for Language for the usual reasons, and for Gore, but only slight references, not 'on screen'.
 
Chapter recap:
 
01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM.
 
Cheers, Robinski
Edited by Robinski
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Oddly enough, I think I'm starting to miss an E chapter! There have been a lot of things in the recent Q&M chapters, but not a lot that really progressed the plot. For this one, I think the only really relevant part in this chapter is the conversation with E. How they get to the bar isn't important, as is the moral implications for how they're going to secure travel for after they leave. Q seems remarkably unconcerned with actually solving the case he's on, and more concerned with a road trip through Canada.

One other thing: on the phone call, Q and E get chummy real quick, even though they've never met each other and E is under a lot of stress. You can probably chalk this up to their character types, but I would have expected a little more standoff professionalism from a E, who's just been cold-called by a random investigator.

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "yet K must not have put their faces on the newsfeed yet."
--Why not? That seems plotful...

pg 3: "Q tried not to fall in love with how open and honest and pretty she was."
--This seems potentially squicky and male gaze-y

pg 3: "That’s what people did, he supposed."
--I'm more interested in them getting to the point, rather than lengthy introspection at this stage.

pg 5: "Breaking news from NWT..."
--I really don't care about this election plot line and almost started skimming before I realized there was news on the MTs

pg 5: "Reports are coming in of a second kill site."
hmmm...but the reader knows all of this already. We've been there first hand. so to devote a page or more to Q&M finding out about this, rather than just saying they found out about it, drags the tension down a lot.

pg 6: "Or could she be the crim in this picture?"
--criminal? It took me a minute to get this.

pg 7: "“I can’t help you if you don’t speak to me, Mister"
--did him thinking the part above this really take that long?

pg 9: "when working for Gen which was the same as working for E-C"
--is it?

pg 10: From pages 8-10, this chapter got a lot more interesting. You could probably start from the news story/phone call and not lose anything. However, Q and E do get familiar pretty quickly, which could be because of their characters, but it stood out to me.

pg 11: "That was when she’d suggested a road train."
--there's a lot of buildup to this concept. I feel like they could maybe have found a more common route that readers would be familiar with, rather than inventing a new concept.

pg 13-14: And then a lot more introspection here. I wonder if this sort of thing should go earlier in the story, to make room for more tension in this section? At this point, I'm not invested in M's family, and barely remember them from the first book.

pg 15: The whole "mission from God" conversation is strange and doesn't seem to have bearing on the rest of the chapter. Why is it here?

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So I've been thinking about this a bit and I think maybe it's the accretion that's sabotaging these most recent chapters, rather than the chapters themselves. Like, there's been so much back-and-forth in the timeline that even a little more seems like too much; or like, there's been so much travel that even necessary bits feel like overkill. If that makes sense?  There're also genre expectations that I think are not really being addressed, maybe. We're in chapter 14 of this murder mystery and we haven't even seen the body yet, and that usually happens first, to set the story in motion. I'm sort of starting to get exhausted, because it feels like I'm still waiting for things to happen, or for the reason why they won't happen to be addressed. Taken on its own, there's not a lot of issues with this chapter. It could be tightened and trimmed a little in places, like any draft, but it moves the plot, it provides tension, it's perfectly fine. Taken with the rest, though, and it's more oddly disjointed inaction from Q&M. I'm just so tired of watching them eat and drive and make phone calls while everyone from the cops to the newspeople to random dudes who die in plane crashes do a better job of investigating than our main protagonists, the professional investigators...   

 

As i go:

 

"yet" is used 3 times in the first 4 sentences of the first paragraph.

This is more musings from Q, but they are striking me better than last chapter's. I think maybe because they're at least new information, and more in-character for him. Last chapter the introspection felt off and treading water-ish. These don't so much. 

 I feel like this newscast could be cut down a lot. I'm not sure why the local politics matter yet (or if they do at all) and I skimmed them until I got to the attack. I am sort of unclear what new information I-as-a-reader get out of this, but I'm super happy Q and M are FINALLY catching up to what I know. I think, maybe, I wouldn't mind Q and M being so far behind the rest of the story if it was more like this chapter, where they are at least making good progress and not rehashing a ton of things. 

I loved M's section but I do think it could be tightened up a bit. There were a few sections where some of her thoughts felt a bit flat and the whole thing is a bit, sort of, jittery to me. 

I am not sure the Blues Brothers reference is landing quite the way it was intended to, especially with M's upbringing muddying the waters, and double especially as a weight-bearing portion of the plot. That's still a decently obscure film, I feel like, and Q really only makes sense if you know the reference. Otherwise, it sort of looks to me like Q thinks Canadians are really, really gullible. 

 

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Thanks for reading, folks. I just had a quick scan of your comments, but obviously will come back to them in detail. Going forward, I will aim to get an edit in of each chapter before I submit it. I think this will save you nice people some time and dead mileage in trawling through stuff that is really pretty rough. There's chaff here, yes, and I'm working on cutting it to the point of dropping at least one chapter of material in about here, more if I can do it on first pass.

Thank you for your continued patience :) 

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Overall

Generally I thought this was a solid chapter. The ending was punchy and our two timelines came together finally. I'm...antsy though. This far into the book and I'm wanting more direct action, I think. Maybe it's that I feel like the narrative should be moving faster at this point, or building faster, or something like that. 

 

On 10/9/2019 at 7:51 AM, Mandamon said:

Oddly enough, I think I'm starting to miss an E chapter!

I actually think that might have helped things. If we had an E chapter right before where she found human bodies, that would really amp the tension and give her convo with Q&M more weight, and then this chapter would have more of that punch I was hoping for.

As I go

- pg 5: oooh, second kill site!

- pg 6: outwith <-- typo

- pg 13: I appreciate the M introspective here

- pg 13: Quack <-- typo?

- pg 14: Maybe she did need Q to save her, but not in the way he thought. He didn’t need to actually do anything really. Just be there and listen, like he seemed to be able to with other people, but somehow not her, not yet. <-- this seems out of character for M. More like Q's views being imposed on her. It's not that she wouldn't have this thought necessarily, but more the way it is presented

- pg 14: happy to run us to back <-- ??

- pg 14: Would M know the Blues Brothers reference? It's hilarious though. If she doesn't get the reference, I think that needs to be a bit more apparent

- love the ending!

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