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Robinski

Robinski - 191008 - TCC Chapter 0D (13) - 4546 words (LGs)

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Hello all,
 
Here we are again. Any and all comments greatly appreciated, if you have the time and inclination to read.
 
Tagged for Language for the usual reasons, and for Gore, but only slight references, not 'on screen'.
 
Chapter recap:
 
01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape;
10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay;
11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM;
12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM.
 
Cheers, Robinski
Edited by Robinski
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Oddly enough, I think I'm starting to miss an E chapter! There have been a lot of things in the recent Q&M chapters, but not a lot that really progressed the plot. For this one, I think the only really relevant part in this chapter is the conversation with E. How they get to the bar isn't important, as is the moral implications for how they're going to secure travel for after they leave. Q seems remarkably unconcerned with actually solving the case he's on, and more concerned with a road trip through Canada.

One other thing: on the phone call, Q and E get chummy real quick, even though they've never met each other and E is under a lot of stress. You can probably chalk this up to their character types, but I would have expected a little more standoff professionalism from a E, who's just been cold-called by a random investigator.

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "yet K must not have put their faces on the newsfeed yet."
--Why not? That seems plotful...

pg 3: "Q tried not to fall in love with how open and honest and pretty she was."
--This seems potentially squicky and male gaze-y

pg 3: "That’s what people did, he supposed."
--I'm more interested in them getting to the point, rather than lengthy introspection at this stage.

pg 5: "Breaking news from NWT..."
--I really don't care about this election plot line and almost started skimming before I realized there was news on the MTs

pg 5: "Reports are coming in of a second kill site."
hmmm...but the reader knows all of this already. We've been there first hand. so to devote a page or more to Q&M finding out about this, rather than just saying they found out about it, drags the tension down a lot.

pg 6: "Or could she be the crim in this picture?"
--criminal? It took me a minute to get this.

pg 7: "“I can’t help you if you don’t speak to me, Mister"
--did him thinking the part above this really take that long?

pg 9: "when working for Gen which was the same as working for E-C"
--is it?

pg 10: From pages 8-10, this chapter got a lot more interesting. You could probably start from the news story/phone call and not lose anything. However, Q and E do get familiar pretty quickly, which could be because of their characters, but it stood out to me.

pg 11: "That was when she’d suggested a road train."
--there's a lot of buildup to this concept. I feel like they could maybe have found a more common route that readers would be familiar with, rather than inventing a new concept.

pg 13-14: And then a lot more introspection here. I wonder if this sort of thing should go earlier in the story, to make room for more tension in this section? At this point, I'm not invested in M's family, and barely remember them from the first book.

pg 15: The whole "mission from God" conversation is strange and doesn't seem to have bearing on the rest of the chapter. Why is it here?

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So I've been thinking about this a bit and I think maybe it's the accretion that's sabotaging these most recent chapters, rather than the chapters themselves. Like, there's been so much back-and-forth in the timeline that even a little more seems like too much; or like, there's been so much travel that even necessary bits feel like overkill. If that makes sense?  There're also genre expectations that I think are not really being addressed, maybe. We're in chapter 14 of this murder mystery and we haven't even seen the body yet, and that usually happens first, to set the story in motion. I'm sort of starting to get exhausted, because it feels like I'm still waiting for things to happen, or for the reason why they won't happen to be addressed. Taken on its own, there's not a lot of issues with this chapter. It could be tightened and trimmed a little in places, like any draft, but it moves the plot, it provides tension, it's perfectly fine. Taken with the rest, though, and it's more oddly disjointed inaction from Q&M. I'm just so tired of watching them eat and drive and make phone calls while everyone from the cops to the newspeople to random dudes who die in plane crashes do a better job of investigating than our main protagonists, the professional investigators...   

 

As i go:

 

"yet" is used 3 times in the first 4 sentences of the first paragraph.

This is more musings from Q, but they are striking me better than last chapter's. I think maybe because they're at least new information, and more in-character for him. Last chapter the introspection felt off and treading water-ish. These don't so much. 

 I feel like this newscast could be cut down a lot. I'm not sure why the local politics matter yet (or if they do at all) and I skimmed them until I got to the attack. I am sort of unclear what new information I-as-a-reader get out of this, but I'm super happy Q and M are FINALLY catching up to what I know. I think, maybe, I wouldn't mind Q and M being so far behind the rest of the story if it was more like this chapter, where they are at least making good progress and not rehashing a ton of things. 

I loved M's section but I do think it could be tightened up a bit. There were a few sections where some of her thoughts felt a bit flat and the whole thing is a bit, sort of, jittery to me. 

I am not sure the Blues Brothers reference is landing quite the way it was intended to, especially with M's upbringing muddying the waters, and double especially as a weight-bearing portion of the plot. That's still a decently obscure film, I feel like, and Q really only makes sense if you know the reference. Otherwise, it sort of looks to me like Q thinks Canadians are really, really gullible. 

 

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Thanks for reading, folks. I just had a quick scan of your comments, but obviously will come back to them in detail. Going forward, I will aim to get an edit in of each chapter before I submit it. I think this will save you nice people some time and dead mileage in trawling through stuff that is really pretty rough. There's chaff here, yes, and I'm working on cutting it to the point of dropping at least one chapter of material in about here, more if I can do it on first pass.

Thank you for your continued patience :) 

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Overall

Generally I thought this was a solid chapter. The ending was punchy and our two timelines came together finally. I'm...antsy though. This far into the book and I'm wanting more direct action, I think. Maybe it's that I feel like the narrative should be moving faster at this point, or building faster, or something like that. 

 

On 10/9/2019 at 7:51 AM, Mandamon said:

Oddly enough, I think I'm starting to miss an E chapter!

I actually think that might have helped things. If we had an E chapter right before where she found human bodies, that would really amp the tension and give her convo with Q&M more weight, and then this chapter would have more of that punch I was hoping for.

As I go

- pg 5: oooh, second kill site!

- pg 6: outwith <-- typo

- pg 13: I appreciate the M introspective here

- pg 13: Quack <-- typo?

- pg 14: Maybe she did need Q to save her, but not in the way he thought. He didn’t need to actually do anything really. Just be there and listen, like he seemed to be able to with other people, but somehow not her, not yet. <-- this seems out of character for M. More like Q's views being imposed on her. It's not that she wouldn't have this thought necessarily, but more the way it is presented

- pg 14: happy to run us to back <-- ??

- pg 14: Would M know the Blues Brothers reference? It's hilarious though. If she doesn't get the reference, I think that needs to be a bit more apparent

- love the ending!

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Thank you for reading, Mandamon, much appreciated.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

Q seems remarkably unconcerned with actually solving the case he's on, and more concerned with a road trip through Canada

I appreciate that they don't talk about the case a lot in these couple of chapters. For one thing, they are not really in a position to interact directly, but I will insert more (passing) mention of the case, and objective.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

on the phone call, Q and E get chummy real quick

I've adjusted this. Good call, thanks.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "yet K must not have put their faces on the newsfeed yet."
--Why not? That seems plotful...

There's a bit earlier in K's POV where he considers the issue of Q and M's guilt. I'm not saying it's WRS, but it might hang together a little better on a complete read. And/or I might need to flag it better. K has come around to Q's position after getting the data from the hospital, and for that reason has not put out a full APB (as it were). Maybe this is too plotful. I'll reassess when I get a complete read down the line.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

This seems potentially squicky and male gaze-y

It's gone already.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

I'm more interested in them getting to the point, rather than lengthy introspection at this stage

The introspection is cut down a fair bit.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

I really don't care about this election plot line and almost started skimming before I realized there was news on the MTs

Right, I'll need to keep an eye on this, Another one for the read through.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Reports are coming in of a second kill site."
hmmm...but the reader knows all of this already.

Actually, this is a new kill site (as I've now called it). Having rewritten this bit, I think it's clearer. Thanks for calling.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: "Or could she be the crim in this picture?"
--criminal? It took me a minute to get this.

Reworded. 

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "“I can’t help you if you don’t speak to me, Mister"
--did him thinking the part above this really take that long?

Good point. Reworded.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: "when working for Gen which was the same as working for E-C"
--is it?

Kind of. I think it's flagged at points in the past, and shown by TOM's interference, so might work better on a full read through.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: From pages 8-10, this chapter got a lot more interesting.

Cool. I've cut a healthy amount of stuff in the earlier parts of the chapter, so hopefully it's much tighter, but I will cut some more on the next pass.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "That was when she’d suggested a road train."
--there's a lot of buildup to this concept. I feel like they could maybe have found a more common route that readers would be familiar with, rather than inventing a new concept.

Road train is actually a thing (big lorry with linked trailers. Used a fair bit in Australia. But anyway, that bit's gone. I think this section is more in tune with your comment now after rewriting it.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

At this point, I'm not invested in M's family, and barely remember them from the first book.

Right. I was going for a reminder of her loss and root of her behaviour at this point. I'll consider again.

On 09/10/2019 at 3:51 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: The whole "mission from God" conversation is strange and doesn't seem to have bearing on the rest of the chapter. Why is it here?

It's not anymore. I think this chapter is a lot tighter. It's heavily cut; same framework, but with better choices at key points, I think.

Many thanks for the comments. Very helpful.

:) 

 

 

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Hey ID, thank you so much for reading.

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

So I've been thinking about this a bit and I think maybe it's the accretion that's sabotaging these most recent chapters, rather than the chapters themselves. Like, there's been so much back-and-forth in the timeline that even a little more seems like too much; or like, there's been so much travel that even necessary bits feel like overkill. If that makes sense?

It does. I can see how that could be. I hope then that the pretty heavy edits of these same chapters (I think I've take about 3,000 words net out of the first ten chapters, but changed a lot more than that), will help with a good deal. Indebted to you all for the comments that have pulled me through that process :) 

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

There're also genre expectations that I think are not really being addressed, maybe. We're in chapter 14 of this murder mystery and we haven't even seen the body yet, and that usually happens first, to set the story in motion. I'm sort of starting to get exhausted, because it feels like I'm still waiting for things to happen, or for the reason why they won't happen to be addressed.

Fair point. I'll need to come back and consider this before the next full edit, but this is a very interesting point.

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Taken on its own, there's not a lot of issues with this chapter. It could be tightened and trimmed a little in places, like any draft, but it moves the plot, it provides tension, it's perfectly fine.

Good. And that essentially was the un(2nd)edited version. It's now a fair bit shorter and tighter, I think. As I said, I'm intending to sub chapters now after the second edit, because I feel like the changes get heavier with each chapter, even before I've read y'all's comments.

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Taken with the rest, though, and it's more oddly disjointed inaction from Q&M. I'm just so tired of watching them eat and drive and make phone calls while everyone from the cops to the newspeople to random dudes who die in plane crashes do a better job of investigating than our main protagonists, the professional investigators...

Ahhhhh. Yeah, I see your point. I'll need to reconsider this once I can see the whole 2nd edit.

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

"yet" is used 3 times in the first 4 sentences of the first paragraph.

Only three instances now in the whole chapter (one on first page). Thanks.

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

This is more musings from Q, but they are striking me better than last chapter's. I think maybe because they're at least new information, and more in-character for him. Last chapter the introspection felt off and treading water-ish. These don't so much.

Cool. They are edited and tighter now, too.

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I feel like this newscast could be cut down a lot. I'm not sure why the local politics matter yet (or if they do at all) and I skimmed them until I got to the attack. I am sort of unclear what new information I-as-a-reader get out of this, but I'm super happy Q and M are FINALLY catching up to what I know. I think, maybe, I wouldn't mind Q and M being so far behind the rest of the story if it was more like this chapter, where they are at least making good progress and not rehashing a ton of things.

Good point, and I think the whole edits of the chapters to date have tightened up on that idea. I will cut down the political speak more, because you guys are right on that point. I could be glib and say that your inclination to skim probably matches how a lot of people would treat the political speak in reality, and almost miss the 'wow' news at the end, but I'm not that clever... :lol: 

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I loved M's section but I do think it could be tightened up a bit. There were a few sections where some of her thoughts felt a bit flat and the whole thing is a bit, sort of, jittery to me.

Agree: done!

On 09/10/2019 at 11:43 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I am not sure the Blues Brothers reference is landing quite the way it was intended to, especially with M's upbringing muddying the waters, and double especially as a weight-bearing portion of the plot. That's still a decently obscure film, I feel like, and Q really only makes sense if you know the reference. Otherwise, it sort of looks to me like Q thinks Canadians are really, really gullible.

Yes, the whole mission from god thing is gone. Good call. Your impression or Q's opinion was not intended.

Excellent comments, thanks so much, ID, Really appreciate them.

:) 

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Hey Kais, thanks for reading. Much appreciated.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

Generally I thought this was a solid chapter. The ending was punchy and our two timelines came together finally. I'm...antsy though. This far into the book and I'm wanting more direct action, I think. Maybe it's that I feel like the narrative should be moving faster at this point, or building faster, or something like that.

I'm glad the chapter found favour with you, but I do understand the overarching feeling. The chapter itself is much tighter now, I believe. But there are still issue with the whole, I realise. I'm going to reassess those, but I've got a good solid line up of bullets for the 3rd draft once I get through this second edit, and this one probably is at the top oft he list.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

I actually think that might have helped things. If we had an E chapter right before where she found human bodies, that would really amp the tension and give her convo with Q&M more weight, and then this chapter would have more of that punch I was hoping for.

Fair point. There are reasons why not at this point.  The next chapter is E's and you'll see why there. Interested in the reaction to it. Also, I will have been (was) edited before submission, so I hope that will help generally in terms of tightness, readability and integration with what has gone before.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 5: oooh, second kill site!

Hurrah!! I'm glad to hear this reaction.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 6: outwith <-- typo

Ha-ha. This is actually a Scottish thing. Scots have decided (quite rightly, of course) that this is one word and has a it's own subtle different meaning. I'll change it: the world's not ready to adopt Scots as the one true language.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 13: I appreciate the M introspective here

Hurrah! Ah, the variation in reader reactions never ceases to amaze and delight :) 

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 13: Quack <-- typo?

M calls him Quack sometimes when she's annoyed with him. Maybe she does not do it enough for it to be a recognisable thing.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 14: Maybe she did need Q to save her, but not in the way he thought. He didn’t need to actually do anything really. Just be there and listen, like he seemed to be able to with other people, but somehow not her, not yet. <-- this seems out of character for M. More like Q's views being imposed on her. It's not that she wouldn't have this thought necessarily, but more the way it is presented

Thank you. Excellent pick, much obliged. I've Mth'd it.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 14: happy to run us to back <-- ??

Tidied up, 'happy to drive u' basically.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

pg 14: Would M know the Blues Brothers reference? It's hilarious though. If she doesn't get the reference, I think that needs to be a bit more apparent

It didn't go down well, and I understand why. I've cut the reference.

On 13/10/2019 at 5:06 PM, kais said:

love the ending!

Cool :) It's pretty much intact.

Great comments. Thanks so much. Really helpful.

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On 10/22/2019 at 0:47 AM, Robinski said:

the world's not ready to adopt Scots as the one true language.

I could be convinced. Easily. 

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On 10/9/2019 at 10:51 AM, Mandamon said:

but I would have expected a little more standoff professionalism from a E, who's just been cold-called by a random investigator.

Something like this. The two finally connecting seemed anticlimactic. 

On 10/22/2019 at 3:47 AM, Robinski said:

M calls him Quack sometimes when she's annoyed with him. Maybe she does not do it enough for it to be a recognisable thing.

On 10/13/2019 at 0:06 PM, kais said:

I think this is the first time she has done it in this book. I had flagged it as a typo too.

 

Overall, I won't say a whole lot because it looks like you already revised or are planning to revise a lot. 

I wasn't a fan of how Q was judging women by their appearances in this one. 

I liked the way the politics were woven in, though WRS had be kind of half forgetting about them.

I liked the news feed in general. 

Q did seem to take a little more action in the diner. Had a little more agency. But I do want something to happen soon.

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So… “Hojo” is a Howard Johnson’s, I’m guessing? Is that something that’s regularly abbreviated in places that aren’t BC, Canada? Because I had to Google it to figure it out.

Out of nowhere, it occurs to me: All of this driving through Canada and we haven’t seen one lonely Tim Horton’s. :P

p24 (again, my consolidated copy), during the newscast: “Sheriff DK has implemented a curfew...” This would more likely be the job of municipal government, I’d imagine.

As an aside, I think you mentioned you’re going with a fictional “North American Federation” policing structure so you may not want to pay this comment much mind, but as a Canadian reader it is still extremely jarring to read about sheriffs doing much of anything here. It’s not a particularly visible office, at the very least not in either of the BC locations that I’ve lived.

P25 “Q didn’t give a good gosh darn...” Q strikes me as the type more likely to just say “damnation.” It’s a relatively dignified swear word. Also, isn’t he potentially tipping off TOM or DM to T’s location by asking for T first?

Top of p28: “...glinted like sundogs.” I know you’re referring to the meteorological phenomenon here but it took me a hot moment to get to the correct mental image. I like it now that I’m there, but it was certainly a stumbling block at first.

“Rocking up” is a pretty distinctly regional phrase, IMO. It’s one of those odd ones that’s somehow used in Europe and Australia but never made it over to Canada.

In reference to PL preparing the National Guard, he’s called the “president.” Is there one president of the North American Federation then? Canada’s chief public office is Prime Minister.

“M tried to like the girl...” Wouldn’t the waitress be at least as old as M herself?

My overall comments here remain very similar to the previous few sections. I’m very glad that things seem to be picking up again, but I share the antsy feeling that @kaismentioned, and I think it’s exactly what @industrialistDragon describes, a problem of accretion. It’s not that the individual sections are particularly problematic, at least not in the revised version that I’m reading, it’s just that there’s a lot of it. I suspect that the cutting and cleanup that you’ve done has helped, but the fact that it feels like a whole lot of road trip is more a function of the structure than of the number of words we actually spend on it.

It’s been interesting to read the group’s comments about the political storyline. I was actually glad to see its appearance here, because it’s a reminder of the broader stakes. I’m going to go out on a limb here: I wonder if we actually need more of it for it to be effective. We know that the political storyline is, in fact, directly connected to TOM and whatever he’s doing with Gen and E-C. However, we get very few reminders of this fact. More than that, we don’t really understand what it means; what does TOM get out of it? What does it mean for companies like Gen and E-C? What does it mean for regular people living in the country? What does it mean for Q&M?

On 10/22/2019 at 0:12 AM, Robinski said:

There's a bit earlier in K's POV where he considers the issue of Q and M's guilt. I'm not saying it's WRS, but it might hang together a little better on a complete read.

Yeah, this worked just fine for me.

On 10/22/2019 at 0:12 AM, Robinski said:

I appreciate that they don't talk about the case a lot in these couple of chapters. For one thing, they are not really in a position to interact directly, but I will insert more (passing) mention of the case, and objective.

I think this has been adjusted in the version I'm reading, and it certainly didn't stick out to me, but as a general note I don't think it's a bad think if Q focuses on the ultimate objective even with some logistical concerns still between him and said objective. He seems like a "big picture" kind of character for the most part.

On 10/22/2019 at 0:12 AM, Robinski said:

Actually, this is a new kill site (as I've now called it). Having rewritten this bit, I think it's clearer. Thanks for calling.

I think this revision worked. I assumed it was a new kill site.

On 10/22/2019 at 0:12 AM, Robinski said:

Right. I was going for a reminder of her loss and root of her behaviour at this point. I'll consider again.

I think this is more a problem of accretion than anything. The last few chapters have been introspection-heavy all around.

 

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Hey, thanks for sticking with it. I know there are some hard yards in these chapters, but all the comments are really helpful.

On 27/10/2019 at 2:33 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Something like this. The two finally connecting seemed anticlimactic.

I've edited this conversation some, I could probably go further though. But, if E is behaving professionally, and bearing in mind she can be expected to be defensive, I don't know how many sparks can be expected. I'll think on it.

On 27/10/2019 at 2:33 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I think this is the first time she has done it in this book. I had flagged it as a typo too.

It is. It's used in the first book, but it's the first time here.

On 27/10/2019 at 2:33 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Overall, I won't say a whole lot because it looks like you already revised or are planning to revise a lot. 

I wasn't a fan of how Q was judging women by their appearances in this one.

Yeah, it's a thing that creeps it, and I have to eradicate afterwards. I'm working on it. It's mostly gone, certainly way, way cut down to next to nothing now.

On 27/10/2019 at 2:33 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I liked the way the politics were woven in, though WRS had be kind of half forgetting about them.

I liked the news feed in general.

Cool :) 

On 27/10/2019 at 2:33 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Q did seem to take a little more action in the diner. Had a little more agency. But I do want something to happen soon.

Many thanks for the comments. It's definitely getting better, but there's a ways to go yet :) 

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Hey Silk, thanks so much for all these comments. Really focusing my attention on various things, having been through them recently.

3 hours ago, Silk said:

Howard Johnson’s, I’m guessing?

Yeah. Futuristic rebranding of the familiar name. I thought most North American readers would get it, and it wouldn't matter if other readers didn't.

3 hours ago, Silk said:

we haven’t seen one lonely Tim Horton’s

We have! It's in the chapter when Q lands the plan on the road (Chp.6, I think, without looking it up). He uses TH's roof as the marker for braking distance. (Also, we now have Tim's in Glasgow!!! :o ) So, WorldCon 2024 (fingers crossed), we've got Canucks covered.

3 hours ago, Silk said:

This would more likely be the job of municipal government, I’d imagine.

Good point. Edited.

3 hours ago, Silk said:

it is still extremely jarring to read about sheriffs doing much of anything here. It’s not a particularly visible office, at the very least not in either of the BC locations that I’ve lived

Yeah. I hear you. If it was a more outlandish future, it provably would not be an issue, but because it's near-future, I can see how it would jar. I think in the next edit I'm going to have to either hand and lantern on it, which will tend to add words and not necessarily make it any less jarring for 'local' readers who I'd really like to 'make contact' with the story (I know a lot of people in Creston), or bring it into line with current policing and call all the sheriffs captains (of the RCMP) or whatever they would be in charge of a town. I've noted this.

3 hours ago, Silk said:

strikes me as the type more likely to just say “damnation.” It’s a relatively dignified swear word

Yes, and he does say 'dammit' on several occasions. Edited.

3 hours ago, Silk said:

potentially tipping off TOM or DM to T’s location by asking for T first?

Well, she always worked for Gen, so anyone not knowing what had happened is likely to expect her to be at work. Those knowing what has happened would know she's not at work, but I don't think it reveals anything that Q doesn't know that the other side knows already, you know?

3 hours ago, Silk said:

I like it now that I’m there, but it was certainly a stumbling block at first.

Right. Err, I'll stick with it for this edit. I appreciate that it's maybe not a common image, which is why I like it, of course.

11 hours ago, Silk said:

“Rocking up” is a pretty distinctly regional phrase, IMO. It’s one of those odd ones that’s somehow used in Europe and Australia but never made it over to Canada.

Uh-huh. I'm had my own doubts about it tonally, so I've changed it 'dropping in' (+sarcasm).

11 hours ago, Silk said:

In reference to PL preparing the National Guard, he’s called the “president.” Is there one president of the North American Federation then? Canada’s chief public office is Prime Minister.

It's another one of those disorienting near futurisms. I haven't gone into the whole geopolitical set up in great detail, which I guess I should. I think I will only do that once I've finished the three books, then tackle an edit across all three, because there are things that will need to be tightened up (a fair bit) in terms of linkages between them. I'll take a note to do it then, but I think the same things goes as I noted before, it's close enough to a kind of reality that it being 'not quite right' makes it look like a mistake.

11 hours ago, Silk said:

I’m very glad that things seem to be picking up again, but I share the antsy feeling that @kaismentioned, and I think it’s exactly what @industrialistDragon describes, a problem of accretion. It’s not that the individual sections are particularly problematic, at least not in the revised version that I’m reading, it’s just that there’s a lot of it. I suspect that the cutting and cleanup that you’ve done has helped, but the fact that it feels like a whole lot of road trip is more a function of the structure than of the number of words we actually spend on it.

Agree. More fixes and cuts to come. I think I can make it work without completely abandoning the structure.

11 hours ago, Silk said:

I wonder if we actually need more of it for it to be effective. We know that the political storyline is, in fact, directly connected to TOM and whatever he’s doing with Gen and E-C. However, we get very few reminders of this fact. More than that, we don’t really understand what it means; what does TOM get out of it? What does it mean for companies like Gen and E-C? What does it mean for regular people living in the country? What does it mean for Q&M?

Interesting point, and I'm open to including a little more here and there. I will think on this.

12 hours ago, Silk said:
On 22/10/2019 at 8:12 AM, Robinski said:

Right. I was going for a reminder of her loss and root of her behaviour at this point. I'll consider again.

I think this is more a problem of accretion than anything. The last few chapters have been introspection-heavy all around.

Right. Okay, I'll leave this for a complete read through then, and see how it flies in that context, especially given the fair degree of re-writing.

Great comments, as always. Thanks Silk :) 

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