Can I get some feedback, please!?

[1st of Lunch]

Here's a prologue-ish/first chapter kind of excerpt. It's not too long so if you get a chance to read it and critique it I'm open to it. I already have some ideas about it, kinda wanna see if others will come up with the same issues, but I'm also interested to know if it piques your interest, if you would read more if it existed. Thanks in advance!

 

**See link in latest post for updated version!**

 

Spoiler

Deith stood bare foot on the grass of the Round, staring at the large, sweating swordsman before him and positioned for attack. The man thrust with his sword, Deith thrusted as well. The man parried; Deith parried. So practiced were the moves that Deith's mind began to wander. He thought back to when he was a youngling and his mother would pack their basket full of grainy, yeasty bread made from the fields of the outer rings, a block of off-world cheese, some thin slices of meats from their cure house where the meat hung in shadows and smoke.
Kick, spin, slash.
They would make the short trek to the Round from their ring in the village just to spend an evening together as a family, just Mother, Father, Deith and his younger brother Vangil. It wasn't very far since Father was a harvester and as such needed to be close to the center so that he would be equidistant to wherever on the outer ring they were harvesting that month.
Dodge, block.
Those days seemed so long ago however. The Sovereignty had asked Village Ironwood to increase production and while the Harvesters, Husbanders and Carvers alike had argued against it for a myriad of reasons the Councile of Nine had decided to concede.

At the thought of the Sovereignty the smile that had been creeping into the corners of Deith's face quickly turned downward into a solemn look of disdain. At the thought of the Council of Nine (and their easy concession to The Sovereignty's demand for more Ironwood) his frown went from disdain to anger and bitterness. That one decision had cost him his father. Oh, not permanently, as some had lost their fathers to the now unsafe working speeds, but the increase in production meant longer hours harvesting, a more grueling pace of labour. Father still came home in the evenings, though it seemed to be getting a little later each night. He still spent time talking to the boys, listening to Vangil's wild tales of adventure as he roamed the stores and alleyways of their cramped inner ring with Mother as she gathered her portions for that week. He listened as Deith told about how they were reaching the really interesting parts in school, learning more about how the Ironwood trees were harvested, replanted and grown back to full maturity all in the 27 months time it took to circumharvest the section of forest around the Outermost ring, the place beyond the wall. "I'm listenin'..." Father always said, and he tried, but his eyes would droop and his eyelids would fail and, as he sat, halfway through the story he was asleep. Invariably he would wake a few minutes later and apologize profusely but it was no good. Momma would make him clean up and eat and go straight to bed. In the morning when Deith and Vangil arose he was already gone to work. Yes, father was there, but he was gone from Deith, nothing left but a machine to coax more out of, a hollowed out man with darkening, sunken eyes to show for it. The Sovereignty had done this and The Council had been their instrument.

SMACK! The thud across his arm startled him out of his stupor, reminding him of where he was. He shot a look at his best friend standing next to him in the center of The Round, with all the rest of the apprentices. Deith had fallen a full step behind as the students worked through the forms they had learned in school. As Deith repositioned and caught up Dake made a frowny face then quickly flashed it into a cheesy grin, reminding Deith that, "Hey, this is a happy day - let's try to look the part." Right. Appointment Day. All of the apprenticers, those who had finished their last year as a learner but had no family business to go into, would be appointed to a division. There were 15 of them this year, all males and all wanted to apprentice with the Carvers, specifically the Weaponers. All, that is, except for Deith. No one knew this except for Dake - not even his parents. To apprentice with the Weaponers was to become a member of a respected few. It was a position that everyone was always envious over and yet, Deith just didn't want it. I mean, he wasn't against what they do and he certainly recognized their importance to the economy, blah, blah, blah... but he wanted to help the trees grow, to increase production, to increase the size. As they harvest in a circle around the village they eventually come back around to where they began a year ago and, although they replanted, the trees are invariably smaller. Not so much that most people would notice, but enough that the harvesters know. They count the rings and log the sizes and father has told him - they're getting smaller.

 

Edited January 30, 2020 by 1st of Lunch

[1st of Lunch]

Anyone? 

[Kureshi Ironclaw]

Your ideas are good, and the character voice is entertaining when you let it creep through. The biggest issue I see here is that the structure is quite unfocused. You began with a swordfight but didn't establish why the fight was happening, the stakes of it, or ground the reader in the scene with any setting or character description before pulling us into a rather jarring flashback. You explain the stakes later on so it might be better to shift some of that exposition to earlier and milk the fight to make the scene a bit more dynamic before finding a smoother way to transition into the flashback, if you are set on having the flashback (like Deith seeing something that triggers the memory). The flashback itself is quite expository and I think, as beneficial as it is to have gotten those ideas onto the page, they could be established in a much more interesting way later in the scene or in a different scene entirely. It's the old show vs tell rule; show the reader how the sovereignty has impacted the story, maybe have another scene involving the father or set in the work forests. My last note is that you should be wary of beginning your story with a character that is bored, because if they're bored there is a pretty good chance the reader will get bored too.

I hope some of that is helpful. Keep writing and getting your ideas onto the page. How long have you been writing btw?

[1st of Lunch]

@Kureshi Ironclaw

Thanks so much for the feedback! So, as I said, I already have some thoughts but wanted to get it out there and see what happens. The main issue I have with it is the lack of focus. You're right, it's too "back and forth" a little ADD if you will. Honestly, I have been telling stories most of my life but as far as trying to record them in some manner this is the first, and this first bit was really more just a compilation of some world building notes so it definitely needs some work.

P.S.

It's not actually a fight, it's a leader leading a group in a kata of sorts so obviously need to clarify that as well...lol! Thanks again!

[+Invocation]

This little bit is pretty good. Bit light on the imagery for my taste, but that's just me. I also have to agree with Ironclaw, it does jump around a little bit too much. Also (and this might also be just me), the geography of the scene feels a little bit lacking. I can't tell where they're sparring in relation to the rest of the group, if that's even important (like it can be in some exercises), if the Round is also divided into rings like the rest of the village and if that matters, or even if the mock swords are just sticks or have fabric bound around them to blunt the blow a little bit.

I do like the concept of the village being divided into rings, though, and I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) that that's in relation to their tree-focus like it's the rings in a tree trunk. This idea is pretty interesting, and I'm down to see more if/when you end up writing it.

[1st of Lunch]

@Invocation

Thanks - I really appreciate the input! You're right about it jumping around. I plan to fix that. As far as imagery, well, I was trying to be careful because I tend to be a little wordy. You're right about the rings too-good catch! Hopefully soon I can get an edited version posted. Thanks again!

[Kureshi Ironclaw]

@1st of Lunch glad to be of help. It's cool that you've been telling stories your whole life, it means you've probably got a good grasp of what does and doesn't work narratively. Translating those ideas into prose is the hard part, and is something I've always struggled with. It all takes a lot of practice to figure out how to use language to evoke what you're trying to portray. It often isn't as simple as just writing what is happening.

[+Keeper Exile]

@1st of Lunch This segment shows quite a bit of promise! Most of the stuff that has already been said I agree with, but I think that maybe you could add a little bit more detail on what exactly Weaponers and Carvers do (though if you are going to explain this later but didn't post it, that is fine). I think that it would be good to establish early on what makes being a Weaponers such a coveted thing. This would help set the grounds for the conflict and help offset all of the information that is given (I think it was quite a lot and it was a tad confusing, but I personally like books that start with that, not wasting a bunch of time explaining things).

Other than that, I think that this has a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to more parts of the story with Deith.

[Bookish Ocelot]

This is really good writing! There are some issues with sentence length/structure choppiness. As a rule of thumb, you want sentence length to be rolling waves, not sharp mountains. Another thing - entering right into a fantasy world with all the names, terms, and Magik (tm) is great but can be very jarring if you don't explain what those things are or how they work. Infodumping is bad, but so is leaving the poor reader with no clue what's happening. 

Imagery: This is super important. What are they fighting with? Where are they fighting? What does the opponent look like? What time is it? What's the weather like? Details like this can be used to foreshadow future events or add a dramatic background. 

Dialogue: It's a sword fight. I know there probably isn't much talking. But internal dialogue and indirect dialogue are just as effective for characterization. We wanna know who the characters are - their personalities, goals, how they tick. 

Supporting Characters: A lot of them are introduced here - Mother, Father, Dake, Vangil - but we don't learn very much about who they are other than their relationships to Deith. 

[Silverbard]

I would say your writing/writing style is pretty solid, and when I saw bits of the characters’ personalities, I really liked them.  Those can be hard things to pin down, so it’s great that it seems you already have a handle on them!

I also agree that it jumps around a bit... however my biggest nit-pick is there seems to be a lot of flash-backing (I know... that’s not /technically/ a word, but I’m using it) right up front at the beginning of everything.  That’s really not a great place to put flashbacks.  In fact, from what I’ve heard and read, it’s usually frowned upon.  I was wondering, is there any way you can focus in more on the fight itself, the characters, and the reason for their fight up front, and work the information from the flashback in later? I think that might help tighten everything up for you.

[1st of Lunch]

Hey @Silverbard, thanks for the comments! I agree that the flash-backiness (how's that for a word!) is a little out of place. Due to the feedback I received after initially posting I have decided that I will indeed move the offending flashback or possibly scrap it together, working the separate bits of information and background into other scenes. I've been extremely busy lately but am hoping I can post a revision soon. Thanks again, and welcome to the Shard!

[1st of Lunch]

@Kureshi Ironclaw @Invocation @Keeper Exile @Ookla the Ocelot @Silverbard

Alright all, I've made some changes that reflect some of the feedback I got from right here and also some other ideas I had on my own. I've also added a portion that wasn't in the initial sample but I hope you can take time to look at it as it has a decent amount of dialogue and I'm honestly curious as to how it reads. Its not too long of a read, just 4 pages in a Word doc. Thanks in advance for any feedback you provide, I really do try to take it all into consideration as I've not really written much fiction before. The bulk of my writing experience is informational or motivational/inspirational blog type articles...

Ironwood Copy 1.docx