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Robinski

Robinski - 190916 - TCC Chapter 0A (10) - 4394 words (LG)

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Aloha,
 
Well, I'm still way behind responding to comments, sorry about that. Things should improve now that I'm done the novel critique I was doing.
 
Any and all comments very much appreciated on this tenth submission. There isn't really much gore, but better safe than sorry.
 
Chapter recap:
 
01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R;
07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run;
08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T;
09 - After some chat about the past and DM, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape
 
Cheers, Robinski
Edited by Robinski
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I thought this chapter was a bit scattered. It's still a lot of people moving to places they need to be, but the plot isn't really developed much. I feel like Q&M have to be artificially constrained to make sure they don't get to YK too fast. The weird voice in the truck is interesting, but as Q says, there's such a thing as too much mystery, and I have no idea who this is.

I'm still not sure E's POV is completely necessary here. We see the company is putting out weird genetically engineered trackers now, but I'm not really sure why the regular means don't work. E's whole situation just seems strange, with her voluntarily chilling out for three days, but then bursting back in to find out what had happened. We're catching up between the two timelines, but it seems like there's a lot of padding to do so.


Notes while reading:
pg 3: "E’s truck as she slowed to edge through the gap."
--so is all this just her driving to work?

pg 3: "office to find it empty, again"
--has she been in his office since he made her go home?

pg 4: "bluster her way into the building" "bloody aftermath of what clearly was a MT attack."
-A bit confused on timeline. This is after the deer attack from a couple chapters ago? But it was three days after DM made her leave the office. I feel like the company would have done something about her status at this point, either made her officially "on leave" or cleared her for work again.

pg 4: "You have twenty-four hours to report meaningful progress"
--didn't he say he was immediately going to go national if someone got killed? Or because it's an animal, he's giving her time?

pg 5: "he needed a board-approved letter to keep her away for more than a day, or part thereof."
--Aha. So then why does she think she'll have a problem getting into the building?

pg 5: "It might help guard against panic in the uninformed."
--finding a picture will guard against panic? I would think it would make people more panicked. Also, I think there needs to be more dialogue tags here. I'm getting lost.

pg 6: ". “Do it. Charge up every coat rack and hat stand in this place and get them out there."
--this also seems like a contradiction. Turn the search teams around, but get more people out searching?

pg 7: "but there was a marked sparsity of androids in the building"
--what does this imply?

pg 10: I'm uncertain why using the VDs will get better information that drones and standard search techniques. Are they bred to find MTs?

pg 10: "they were on their way to rescue and possibly save the life of a (possibly) fair lady"
--probably WRS, but who do they think they're saving? The wife? T? E?

pg 10: "staff bay"
--ah, I think this must be just language differences. I had to read a few times to translate to "employee parking spot."

pg 11: "did not have time to dwell on who had done that and how. "
--wait, I thought eighty did that by himself?

pg 13: "then angled his seat back and fell asleep"
--hmm...a few nice character moments, but once again, Q&M are traveling somewhere and not really doing anything to progress the plot.

pg 14: "I’m waiting here in YK and ready to help you all I can. Do hurry. It’s so boring here."
--ok, I'm completely confused as to who this is.

pg 15: "flexing his biceps and triceps"
--lol. I think I know what you mean, but it sounds like he's doing poses in the truck.

pg 16: "a charge list as long as his well-developed biceps, and he retained the option to pump that smartass full of ‘lead’ if the need arose."
--ok, maybe he was posing. Also, why is "lead" in quotes?
 

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I should preface before I critique, that I'm jumping into the story just now, and I'm very confused, even with the summary.
And first let me just say as a Canadian, why did you choose that setting? Maybe you answer that early on, or maybe it's part of the vibe you're going for, either way it's not a serious question ;) That being said... my expectations were twisted in a good way. When I hear about YK or NWT a significant part of me turns grey and shudders out of sheer boredom. But this scenario isn't boring. I guess that's because it takes place in the future, and it's something of a mystery.
I would love to read the first chapter if you'd send it my way.

Of course there are some things I didn't like, and other things I liked too, and then things that are more neutral based on grammar and word usage.

I'm going to start by mentioning the aspects of the story I want to see more of--the things that interest me and draw my attention in. And of course this could be because I'm wandering in so late lol

1: In the first scene, E is looking for M, who in your plot summary we know is basically a bad guy who ran off. At the same time, E is doing what she can to control the damage that was/is potentially going to be caused by the company she manages*(?) I found myself getting drawn in to the desperation of E, but I found myself losing interest when the expositions kicked in. For example:

Pg. 4 + 5 E fought not to run across the lot. She nodded gravely to the two uniformed men at the door then bustled across the foyer. On the top floor she burst into M’s office to find it empty, again. 
“rust!” However, perhaps his absence was the only explanation for how she had been able to bluster her way into the building.

This is a scene that shows E's urgency to get a hold of M and bring light to the confusing mess she's in. But then immediately after we have nearly a page and a half of exposition in which we sort of reside in E's mind. That's not a bad thing. It can work for characterization, and it certainly serves the purpose of exposition. But the way the scene goes from a little action to a bunch of exposition keeps me from getting fully drawn into the story. And I'm not sure it's necessary for the story. One writer who does this a lot, and who i adore, is Arthur Conan Doyle with his Sherlock books. He'll go on and on with his exposition of events and facts but it always feels like there's an 'aha!' moment at the end of it. Or, we're left just as curious as the characters are for having heard it.

2: In this second scene, for some reason I was expecting more romantic undertones going on. I felt like the sudden embrace was great, I really believed that moment. But then it ended so quickly, it was like, "well go to sleep now." "Ok then, I will." haha, no offense, I was really into the scene from an emotional and character point of view, but yeah... And then the sudden call, yeah I dig that, you're creating the expectation and promise of a mystery and that's exciting.

3: This last scene. I'm not getting a lot of strength from this one. It was interesting to me because I wasn't aware someone was chasing Q and M. And it raises some curious mysteries that grabs my attention. But again, there's a lot of exposition, and I find exposition disengaging. That might just be me. I'm listening to The Book of the new sun series on audiobook right now, and I find myself constantly confused and uninterested to what's going on. Even though I can appreciate how beautiful the prose is, the large swathes of exposition takes me out of the reading experience. It's necessary of course, to have that exposition, but it feels like it requires a careful balance.

But anyways man, great work! Writing isn't easy and to juggle so many characters and plot lines and mysteries... I raise my cup to you, kudos.
 

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Overall: This chapter seemed a little more scattered than usual to me. I'm back to being confused, too.
 
As I go:
 
Well, I have lost whatever momentum I'd gained from the Q and M action chapter. I have also completely forgotten why E was in such a rush, and I'm totally lost in the timeline with all of these back-and-forth skips. Is this before or after she talked with the sheriff?  
 
I like the idea of heels with actual traction! lol walking across ice in the irl versions is an exercise is bravado and balance. 
 
Okay, I guess it's after. 
 
I am also confused by the use of more top-secret chimeras out in public for the search. I can believe animals used to track animals (though honestly, scent is just molecules so in theory couldn't a sensitive android track by scent too?), but it seems counter-productive to use animals the public isn't supposed to know about out in places where the public news drones (and numerous actual people) are already canvassing...
 
While this is yet more travel from Q and M, and I am getting very heartily tired of travel from them, I feel like this is important travel, and I don't really think it should be all the way cut? It's even relatively brief and it ends with M explaining herself so that is very good. I just wish I hadn't had so much travel from them earlier so I wouldn't be so done with it right now. It's a nice, quiet scene. 
 
Thinking about it a little bit, I do wonder about where their sense of urgency went, though. It was all run-run break-laws-for-the-greater-good and now they're just like "ah well. we'll pick up the desperate race to save a life and exculpate ourselves again in the morning." 
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Overall

I will third @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon in that this felt scattered. It seemed to be a transition chapter, with a lot of this is what is happening, with some travel, and cute Q/M moments. E's POV could be trimmed by several pages I think to make it snappier and more hard hitting.

I am deeply familiar with how BIG Canada is and how freaking long it takes to get anywhere. Since that is an element in the story, maybe they could keep calling it out so it is clear it is worldbuilding? Maybe?

Anyway I think this chapter could be cut quite a bit and give us the same information in a snappier format. But Im also still on board and looking forward to the next chapter!

 

As I go

- pg 2: I was amused by the epigraph

- pg 3: maybe WRS but I was confused where she was going, indeed, where the chapter was going, until bottom of page 3

- pg 4: feeling like wrung out dishcloth (?)

- pg 4: her suspension is up? Ahhhh. I would have liked this right at the get go. Gives more reason for the first three pages

- pg 4: She was not ready to mourn her friend. <-- denial? I'd not call someone I was sleeping with a 'friend'

- I feel like the narrative really starts on pg 6

- pg 8: The spooning had not helped Eve’s concentration <--- LOL love this line!

- pg 9: I do love all the ways releasing more GMO animals could go horribly wrong!

- pg 13: as much as I don't care for just more driving, the scene between Q and M was very touching

- pg 15: You’re rubbish at dad-ing <-- I think Q should emotionally respond to this somehow. It's a great line

- pg 16: why does K think about his biceps so much?

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Hey, thanks again for reading, your exacting comments are always testing, which is excellent.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

I thought this chapter was a bit scattered. It's still a lot of people moving to places they need to be, but the plot isn't really developed much. I feel like Q&M have to be artificially constrained to make sure they don't get to YK too fast. The weird voice in the truck is interesting, but as Q says, there's such a thing as too much mystery, and I have no idea who this is.

Yes, I recognise these various issues. I'm going to try and cut E's section here pretty hard, but also draw out her suspicions better, plus look to give Q and M more to do while on the road, more thought process, more emotion from their POVs.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

but I'm not really sure why the regular means don't work

I'm hoping to focus on this in E's POV.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "E’s truck as she slowed to edge through the gap."
--so is all this just her driving to work?

I've trimmed it a bit.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "office to find it empty, again"
--has she been in his office since he made her go home?

This might be a remnant. Good spot.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "bluster her way into the building" "bloody aftermath of what clearly was a MT attack."
-A bit confused on timeline. This is after the deer attack from a couple chapters ago? But it was three days after DM made her leave the office. I feel like the company would have done something about her status at this point, either made her officially "on leave" or cleared her for work again.

Fair point. I'll call this out.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "You have twenty-four hours to report meaningful progress"
--didn't he say he was immediately going to go national if someone got killed? Or because it's an animal, he's giving her time?

pg 5: "he needed a board-approved letter to keep her away for more than a day, or part thereof."
--Aha. So then why does she think she'll have a problem getting into the building?

Yeah, this stuff is just confusing the situation. I'll cut it, not necessary.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "It might help guard against panic in the uninformed."
--finding a picture will guard against panic? I would think it would make people more panicked. Also, I think there needs to be more dialogue tags here. I'm getting lost.

Not well worded. She meant that anyone who didn't know might find it harder to find info if they don't use the actual name. Clarified, I hope.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 6: ". “Do it. Charge up every coat rack and hat stand in this place and get them out there."
--this also seems like a contradiction. Turn the search teams around, but get more people out searching?

The idea is redirecting the teams back towards town, since there are signs that put the MTs closer in than the teams are. Also, I've changed the wording of the hatstand line a bit for clarity.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "but there was a marked sparsity of androids in the building"
--what does this imply?

Cut. Confusing.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: I'm uncertain why using the VDs will get better information that drones and standard search techniques. Are they bred to find MTs?

I've worked the up some more, although I thought the info was there. Not Mts specifically, but essentially, yes.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "they were on their way to rescue and possibly save the life of a (possibly) fair lady"
--probably WRS, but who do they think they're saving? The wife? T? E?

Hopefully a bit of WRS. This is s reference to T, but should take in R's wife too (will edit). They don't know E.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "staff bay"
--ah, I think this must be just language differences. I had to read a few times to translate to "employee parking spot."

Okay. Have tweaked slightly.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "did not have time to dwell on who had done that and how. "
--wait, I thought eighty did that by himself?

Err, nope. It was phrased as 'I have been disconnected from the net.' I need to tidy up the references here, and I think I will expand this bit slightly, to point out the (possible) significance through Q's eyes.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "then angled his seat back and fell asleep"
--hmm...a few nice character moments, but once again, Q&M are traveling somewhere and not really doing anything to progress the plot.

Okay, I've tried to dial up the tension and the investigating here.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "I’m waiting here in YK and ready to help you all I can. Do hurry. It’s so boring here."
--ok, I'm completely confused as to who this is.

Part of my last comment above will play into this. I'm going to permit some more deductive reasoning here. I hope it will help tension and stakes, by giving some more info, I think.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: "flexing his biceps and triceps"
--lol. I think I know what you mean, but it sounds like he's doing poses in the truck.

:lol: I'll tweak the wording here.

On 16/09/2019 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 16: "a charge list as long as his well-developed biceps, and he retained the option to pump that smartass full of ‘lead’ if the need arose."
--ok, maybe he was posing. Also, why is "lead" in quotes?

I was conjecturing that maybe bullets are no longer made of lead, but it didn't really go anywhere. I'll tidy this up.

Great comments, as ever; thank you so much :) 

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On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

I should preface before I critique, that I'm jumping into the story just now, and I'm very confused, even with the summary.

Hey! I'm really delighted that you've jumped in here. Brave move so far in, given that--as you say--the outline is pretty much only any use to folks who have been reading, but maybe forgotten a bit from week to week. Anyway, I'm always excited to hear from and meet new folks both submitting and critiquing :) 

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

And first let me just say as a Canadian, why did you choose that setting? Maybe you answer that early on, or maybe it's part of the vibe you're going for, either way it's not a serious question ;) That being said... my expectations were twisted in a good way. When I hear about YK or NWT a significant part of me turns grey and shudders out of sheer boredom. But this scenario isn't boring. I guess that's because it takes place in the future, and it's something of a mystery.
I would love to read the first chapter if you'd send it my way.

Ah, well... to some degree, it's write what you know, in the my wife lived in Creston, B.C. (where this novel starts) for over 20 years, so I've visited there a lot. Also, I've been back and forth between Creston and Calgary many times, which is where Q and M are travelling at the moment. I've never been to NWT, that's all straight off G**gle Str**tview and other online sources. I'm glad I'm bringing some excitement to the frozen north :lol: 

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

I found myself getting drawn in to the desperation of E, but I found myself losing interest when the expositions kicked in.

Okay, good...

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

This is a scene that shows E's urgency to get a hold of M and bring light to the confusing mess she's in. But then immediately after we have nearly a page and a half of exposition in which we sort of reside in E's mind. That's not a bad thing. It can work for characterization, and it certainly serves the purpose of exposition. But the way the scene goes from a little action to a bunch of exposition keeps me from getting fully drawn into the story.

...yes, right. I wonder if this would have been easier to swallow if you'd read those earlier section that are called back, and before the gaps are filled up (between her last scene and now). That doesn't answer you point, of course. She does go not to take action, but its not breakneck rushing around / pursuit / combat, but more considered planned (re)action. That's just where we find E at the moment. I'm not saying that others have not called for more action in the story (this is the second time I've submitted to this point, last time, the story wasn't finished, which it now is).

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

And I'm not sure it's necessary for the story.

Fair point. I would say it builds towards something, but of course al building and no reward can be unsatisfying. I have cut down E's scene here by about 10% in the edit (I'm always in the edit when I go through the comments here), so I hope that makes it tighter, and a bit more tense, which I've tried to do in this second edit of the chapter. This is one of the underlying 'weaknesses' of my style, in that I tend to enjoy exposition, often at the expense of action. This is by no means the last edit of this chapter, of course! :) 

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

In this second scene, for some reason I was expecting more romantic undertones going on. I felt like the sudden embrace was great, I really believed that moment. But then it ended so quickly, it was like, "well go to sleep now." "Ok then, I will." haha, no offense, I was really into the scene from an emotional and character point of view, but yeah... And then the sudden call, yeah I dig that, you're creating the expectation and promise of a mystery and that's exciting.

Ah, now then. What does not come across in any way in this scene is that M is 14 and Q is 34. He is her legal guardian as a result of 'stuff in Book 1'. They are not related. I'll come back to your request for Chapter 01 at the end :). Q was married, he's rather emotionally stunted and does not deal well with kids. M is precocious 2.0, orphan and former convent resident, hence the searing, obvs! All this is very clear from Chapter 01 in this book, but not here, I totally accept that.

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

I'm not getting a lot of strength from this one. It was interesting to me because I wasn't aware someone was chasing Q and M. And it raises some curious mysteries that grabs my attention. But again, there's a lot of exposition, and I find exposition disengaging. That might just be me.

I don't think it's just you! There are others on here who have a bit of a struggle with the balance that I strike between exposition and action, and I'm guessing you can see which way I fall in these things after reading this ;). I'm eternally grateful to the guys for keeping me honest in relation to the expo ratio, so do not feel the slightest guilt in calling out this stuff.

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

I'm listening to The Book of the new sun series on audiobook right now, and I find myself constantly confused and uninterested to what's going on. Even though I can appreciate how beautiful the prose is, the large swathes of exposition takes me out of the reading experience. It's necessary of course, to have that exposition, but it feels like it requires a careful balance.

Yes, all about balance. Notwithstanding the amount to exposition I produce, I'm no great fan of reading it in excess (unless it's brilliant, of course :)). So again, I'm happy for you to call expo excess whenever you wish.

On 17/09/2019 at 4:17 AM, julienreel said:

But anyways man, great work! Writing isn't easy and to juggle so many characters and plot lines and mysteries... I raise my cup to you, kudos.

That's very kind. I'll be able to judge if I've done it justice by the end, of course, and actually long before then, but I really appreciate the kind words.

There is a version of the complete draft on Ggle Drv. If you're really keen, I'll send you an invite, bearing in mind this is Chapter 10. (Hexadecimal chapter numbers. I know, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Book 1 had binary chapter numbers, and I'm thinking of using Roman numerals or the Mayan system for Book 3).

Thank you again for jumping into this so far in. I really enjoyed your comments. Welcome (again) to Reading Excuses!!

<R>

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Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading :) 

On 18/09/2019 at 9:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:
This chapter seemed a little more scattered than usual to me. I'm back to being confused, too.

You're not alone, I think. Having tackled Mandamon's edits, not to mention my own on the first pass, I think it's a bit clearer, and a bit less scattered. I can feel it coming together, but not there yet.

On 18/09/2019 at 9:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:
Well, I have lost whatever momentum I'd gained from the Q and M action chapter. I have also completely forgotten why E was in such a rush, and I'm totally lost in the timeline with all of these back-and-forth skips. Is this before or after she talked with the sheriff?  
 
Okay, I guess it's after.

Argh, right. I'm hoping there might be a smidgen of WRS, but I'm going to try and sharpen up the start of this chapter so that at least E's motivation shines through.

On 18/09/2019 at 9:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I like the idea of heels with actual traction! lol walking across ice in the irl versions is an exercise is bravado and balance.

I know, right?! I think I could make millions from this...

On 18/09/2019 at 9:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:
I am also confused by the use of more top-secret chimeras out in public for the search. I can believe animals used to track animals (though honestly, scent is just molecules so in theory couldn't a sensitive android track by scent too?), but it seems counter-productive to use animals the public isn't supposed to know about out in places where the public news drones (and numerous actual people) are already canvassing...

It's not so much that the TF are top secret, as that they are not seen or used on Earth. I suppose the effect might be much the same, other than there are probably images available on the net of these creatures from places where they have been deployed, although they are rare (the images). Gen don't exactly produce brochures or have a menu on their website!

Good point about the scent and androids. I've taken a note to flag something against the question of why the regular S&R teams don't meet with any success in their searches. It's a good point, and I think I need to answer it. I think I also need to address, or at least hand a lantern, on your point about the news teams obtaining footage. Good points both. Thank you.

On 18/09/2019 at 9:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:

While this is yet more travel from Q and M, and I am getting very heartily tired of travel from them, I feel like this is important travel, and I don't really think it should be all the way cut? It's even relatively brief and it ends with M explaining herself so that is very good. I just wish I hadn't had so much travel from them earlier so I wouldn't be so done with it right now. It's a nice, quiet scene.

Hmm, yes. I think if I'm going to cut a travel scene, it will need to be the one in the town when they are going to the airport. As you say, I think this one brings something. It's quite an important personal moment.

You'll be pleased to hear that there is more travel to come :D  Probably even good scenes, BUT... I know it's a problem. I'm  trying to inject more plot impetus into these scenes. It might take a couple of/more passes.

On 18/09/2019 at 9:45 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Thinking about it a little bit, I do wonder about where their sense of urgency went, though. It was all run-run break-laws-for-the-greater-good and now they're just like "ah well. we'll pick up the desperate race to save a life and exculpate ourselves again in the morning."

I... really, I can't argue with that :lol:  But I wanted a nice quiet scene, darn it!! I'll need to think on that one.

Argh. Lots to think about. Thanks for challenging with these various comments, ID. Much appreciated ;) 

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Thanks for reading, Kais. Sorry I haven't got to your sub this week. This is my next task, I promise!

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

I will third @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon in that this felt scattered. It seemed to be a transition chapter, with a lot of this is what is happening, with some travel, and cute Q/M moments. E's POV could be trimmed by several pages I think to make it snappier and more hard hitting.

Yes, I've certainly made a rod for my own back with four scenes. I've cut about 300 words out, so it's a bit tighter, and I will have another go at it before I move on to the next chapter.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

I am deeply familiar with how BIG Canada is and how freaking long it takes to get anywhere. Since that is an element in the story, maybe they could keep calling it out so it is clear it is worldbuilding? Maybe?

I'll think on that, certainly. There's a bit more travel coming up and I've already pegged it as a decent cut candidate. Also, in the scene here where they park up, I've added some more specific plot progress, I think.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 2: I was amused by the epigraph

Hurray! You're the only one to comment, which I guess means nobody hated it :) 

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 3: maybe WRS but I was confused where she was going, indeed, where the chapter was going, until bottom of page 3

I've dropped a line in the first paragraph to clarify this.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 4: feeling like wrung out dishcloth (?)

Reworded, but thanks.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 4: her suspension is up? Ahhhh. I would have liked this right at the get go. Gives more reason for the first three pages

Clarified in Paragraph 1, thanks.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 4: She was not ready to mourn her friend. <-- denial? I'd not call someone I was sleeping with a 'friend'

Yeah, switched to T.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- I feel like the narrative really starts on pg 6

Okay, noted. Probably I'll take some more out of E's POV.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 8: The spooning had not helped Eve’s concentration <--- LOL love this line!

;) 

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 9: I do love all the ways releasing more GMO animals could go horribly wrong!

:lol:  I know, right?

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 13: as much as I don't care for just more driving, the scene between Q and M was very touching

- pg 15: You’re rubbish at dad-ing <-- I think Q should emotionally respond to this somehow. It's a great line

Thanks, yeah, you'll have gathered this book sees the evolution of their relationship. Good call here, I've taken your suggestion and plucked a bit harder on the old heart strings.

On 19/09/2019 at 3:16 PM, kais said:

- pg 16: why does K think about his biceps so much?

Hah, yes, this is more of Q line. I've reworded it.

Great comments. Thank you for reading!

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I didn't immediately realize that E.'s supsension was up, and was briefly confused as to why she would go looking for Mor. when presumably he could just throw her out again. Interesting to see her framing this as her needing Mor., though. 

Somewhat surprised that E, or Gen more generally, doesn't seem to be considering trying to recover the MTs. Undoubtedly the smarter course of action, but the MTs are a pretty significant asset for the corporation, and the company doesn't seem to have a lot of other inhibitions. 

p6 "lady's washroom" should be "ladies'", possessive plural

"The suspicious, spectral voice from the unknown is gone now." Hah.

Speaking of which, I like the fact that the spectral voice exists, but this particular interjection doesn't actually accomplish much. It's a good tease of information to come, but we've gotten a LOT of that so far, and I'm definitely anxious for the book to start picking up more momentum. 

If this IS someone we've already "met" in the narrative somewhere, what might help is having more information to connect the mystery voice back to an actual person, even hints of. Speaking of which, my first thought was honestly that it was Mor, taunting them.

That's probably my biggest comment overall at this point. I'm still enjoying the chapters and there are some good complications, or potential complications in this one (like E releasing the vuls - she's very focused on solving her current problem but it would be nice to see some eventual consequences from that - I imagine the media would have a field day if nothing else) but it still feels like we are very much in the business of introducing problems, and I'd like to see us start solving them. 

On 9/16/2019 at 8:06 AM, Mandamon said:

I feel like Q&M have to be artificially constrained to make sure they don't get to YK too fast.

Yeah, I'm feeling this too. 

Not a whole lot to add to this chapter overall. I'm still enjoying it, and I think the things that I (and others) are highlighting as issues are things that we already knew were issues. I look forward to catching up on the remaining chapters! 

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Hey Silk, so pleased to have your comments. Awesome :) 

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

I didn't immediately realize that E.'s supsension was up, and was briefly confused as to why she would go looking for Mor. when presumably he could just throw her out again. Interesting to see her framing this as her needing Mor., though. 

I've edited this chapter since, reasonably heavily for the other comments. I think it's clearer know about the suspension thing.

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

Somewhat surprised that E, or Gen more generally, doesn't seem to be considering trying to recover the MTs. Undoubtedly the smarter course of action, but the MTs are a pretty significant asset for the corporation, and the company doesn't seem to have a lot of other inhibitions.

Another point of clarity that I think is better. Gen are trying to recover the MTs, I think it's clearer now.

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

p6 "lady's washroom" should be "ladies'", possessive plural

Thank you. Of course!! (Oh, I changed to executive washroom).

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

Speaking of which, I like the fact that the spectral voice exists, but this particular interjection doesn't actually accomplish much. It's a good tease of information to come, but we've gotten a LOT of that so far, and I'm definitely anxious for the book to start picking up more momentum.

Yes, I've changed this up quite a bit. Q says why should I trust you, and the caller gets all snarky a hollers a bunch of inside information at Q to prove 'his' deep throat credentials. Basically MC confirms Mor; the election plan; t/f are loose; more people likely to die; and Q's son is there. It kind of knocks Q for six, and there are some new inserted lines here and there in ensuing chapter with him trying to deal with the potential of seeing his son.

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

If this IS someone we've already "met" in the narrative somewhere, what might help is having more information to connect the mystery voice back to an actual person, even hints of. Speaking of which, my first thought was honestly that it was Mor, taunting them.

VERY interesting. The downside of course is that you're reading unedited chapter, but I'm going to try and get into editing ahead of submission now, so I can at least let you guy read chapters that reflect some of the fixes I'm putting in now, supported and prompted by the excellent feedback. I'll try anyway!!

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

That's probably my biggest comment overall at this point. I'm still enjoying the chapters and there are some good complications, or potential complications in this one (like E releasing the vuls - she's very focused on solving her current problem but it would be nice to see some eventual consequences from that - I imagine the media would have a field day if nothing else) but it still feels like we are very much in the business of introducing problems, and I'd like to see us start solving them.

Fair point. Well... er... okay, I just write that down... :unsure::rolleyes::ph34r: 

For what it's worth, I've cut about 1,500 words out of chapters 11-13. I'm cutting as much travel as I can, tightening up what's left. Since you're not at 0-B, 0-C and 0-D yet, @Silk, I could send you the new versions of those, if you are planning to read them in the next little while?

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

Yeah, I'm feeling this too.

Yes, hrm, that may well have been part of my cunning plan originally. As I say, I'm trying to cut out a good deal, make it more convincing, and make their progress feel more engaging.

On 10/10/2019 at 4:00 PM, Silk said:

Not a whole lot to add to this chapter overall. I'm still enjoying it, and I think the things that I (and others) are highlighting as issues are things that we already knew were issues. I look forward to catching up on the remaining chapters! 

Right, see note above. I'm going to email you those news version of the chapters your coming up to. Which might confuse the comments thread, but will help me no end :) 

DONE!  No rush. I'll be at this edit for a while yet.

Thanks so much for the comments.

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