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Robinski

Robinski - 260819 - TCC Chapter 07 - 5982 words (L)

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So, heh, apologies for this one. Normally, I have an edit run at the chapter before I submit it, but that's just making me late and top of my list presently is to be more productive. That isn't a problem this week(!!), as this submission is rather long. Sorry about that. I hope it's not too long. All I can hope is that I can carry forward the 'spare' I've had the last few weeks and rely upon your good will <grovel, grovel>
 
Usual stuff. Do with it as you will.
 
Chapter recap:
 
01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen-X-Trk in Yellowknife, NWT;
04 - T is coerced by More into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for Mor. Now he has a problem
05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances;
06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before More appears and kills R;
 
Cheers, Robinski
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I liked this chapter. I hardly noticed it was longer than the usual submissions. Lots of action to move the narrative forward and it does make up for less happening through most of the previous one. 

I was a little confused at first. I thought M had been shot with a bullet, not some kind of tranquilizer, so I was trying to figure out how she had the ability to go through the window with a bullet in her. I thought DM had meant to kill her because she was a witness and frame Q, but eventually, when Q caught up to her and she wasn't bleeding, I realized she had been hit with something similar to what he had been hit with. 

I had no other confusion and enjoyed all the action. I loved how it ended with all the automated stuff disconnected and the android off the net, forcing Q to do things manually.

I have a couple little notes I made while reading.

Page 14:

“We were stitched up; clear as the tiny dick on B’s forehead.” Not quite sure what M means here, particularly about the "stitched up" part. 

Page 15

"and S can be an a sometimes" Maybe this is WRS, but I'm not sure which cop S is because M refers to them by last names. Honestly, when I saw this name, the first thing I thought of was the character from the movie whose title shares that characters name. 

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Nice action packed chapter. Like Shatteredsmooth I didn’t notice that it was longer than previous submissions, it read very quickly. I liked the whole chase scene. Most of my comments are from the start of the chapter.

 

Tranquilizer: Since Q. and M. were knocked out I don’t know how long they were unconscious, but they did wake up at a narratively convenient time. Out long enough for Mor. to make his escape, and short enough to be awake again when the police barged in to make for two convenient suspects.

It’s also convenient that Mor. was carrying both lethal rounds and tranquilizers, but he’s been pretty much on point for most of the story so I’ll accept he had both on him even though he was there to kill someone.

 

Hiding: At the end of the previous chapter I thought Mor. was the second passenger, hiding underneath the covers for an opportune moment to strike. But this chapter shows that there was a second body in the bed with Mor.. So, if the second body was the second passenger, how did Mor. get into the room unseen in the first place? There’s police outside, R. was awake in the bed…so how did Mor. get in? For that matter, how did he get out? Did all the police officers leave at the same time to give him the opportunity?

 

Framing: I assume Mor. was planning to frame the first doctor or nurse who’d be in there alone, just as soon as he got the info he needed from R.. Nice for him that it was Q. he could frame. Not so good that he showed his face to Q. and let him live – that’s a pretty big loose end. I wonder then if it hadn’t been better for Mor. to just kill Q., maybe frame the thing on M. or just accept that the police are going to look for a mystery killer (who nobody can link to him), rather than let the man who saw his face live. There’s always the chance that the police might have believed Q. and though he succeeded in his mission his identity is now out. That means there are now a lot more people to kill.

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Hooray! More Q&M! Please excuse any typos in the below, I am working with an extremely awkward setup at a chair at an airport gate.

“...her pale, unpainted lips” seems an odd detail to appear just at the moment. 

Q thinks: ”This was bad, this was Mor bad.” Again, you’re building up the antagonists—the old man and now Mor—a fair bit, but I still have no idea what Q’s connection to Mor is, or why Mor does the things he does. Obviously Mor is a real piece of work, but without a sense of the stakes it is a little hard to take him too seriously. 

If the police have Q pegged as any sort of potential threat, they should have secured him fist before checking on any of the victims, and they certainly should have made sure the scene was secure before sending in civilian medics. 

Especially in a world as technologically advanced as this one is, i’s not entirely credible to me that there would be absolutely no evidence of Mor’s appearance. Surely there are CCTV cameras or something somewhere in the hospital? Mor had to get in somehow. How does 2099 feel about state surveillance? 

Again, a lot of building up of Mor here, but what we’ve seen of D so far doesn’t really suggest that he;s an airtight planner, only that he thinks he is. Also seems to contradict Q’s own earlier thought that MOr would have framed him on impulse. 

M is obviously impetuous and antagonistic, but this is the first time she’s done something that strikes me as, well, really rather stupid. Violently fleeing from police is not a good way to help your court case. 

And Q is ... going along with it. This scene is tons of fun, not gonna lie, but I am deeply annoyed with both of them for making this so much harder on themselves. 

So... whether or not they find Mor and actually end up getting out of the under charge, they are wracking up a ton of extra ones here. Resisting arrest, assaulting a peace officer (possibly aggravated assault, since at one point Q almost runs over K with a car), regular assault of the driver, dangerous driving, and from Q’s current line of thinking, at least two counts of theft... 

p.10: “if I know Mor, he’ll be making a bee-line to his target, namely Mor’s wife” should be R’s wife, I think?

Is it nontrivial for the cops (or who ever) to activate a relocate vehicle immobilizer? T his chase has gone on fora few minutes now.

So Q told the cops exactly where he’s going, and the cops now have plenty of time to organize a helicopter. Or just have folks waiting on the ground in Yellowknife. Q’s thought about that, right? Right?

Oh, so Q DOES realize that he’s now landed himself in much deeper crap than he started out in. I’m glad that the narrative acknowledges this.  

Okay, if it;s feasible for the cops to attempt to take over the plane that Q is flying, remotely, then I’d think there really MUST be security systems in that hospital that would prove that Mor (or someone who shoudn’t have been, at the very least) was there.

I will echo @shatteredsmooth‘s comment about originally thinking M had been shot by a bullet, and @Asmodemon makes a good point about them waking up at a narratively convenient time. Since the police were just charging into the room at the time presumably they were both unconscious for quite a short while, which is ... not usually the point of a tranquilizer. 

So, I;m enjoying all the tings that I’ve already mentioned enjoying about this chapter, as well as the increased action here. It’s definitely time for the pace to pick up a bit, I think. 

That being said, you’ll see from my comments that I am having a bit of a hard time getting past the fact that this is objectively a really dumb idea. Q acknowledges this towards the end of the scene which helps. hat being said, I think to buy into this scene fully, I need either to be much more convinced that Mor is as scary as Q thinks he is, or to have a much better sense of Q’s personal involvement  with Mor. The latter, I think, is much more important. WE do get an explanation towards the end of the chapter, which, again, helps, but I would like to see more hints of Q’s emotional involvement with this whole situation earlier on. 

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Overall

No real issues at all. Some quibbles below. I loved this! Action! Danger! Snark! Q and M are at their best here, and I loved every minute of it. It read smooth and I had to force myself to slow my reading because I was so excited to see where they ended up, and where the plot was going. Loved the Q reveals too, and of course, always love M.

11 hours ago, Silk said:

I need either to be much more convinced that Mor is as scary as Q thinks he is, or to have a much better sense of Q’s personal involvement  with Mor. The latter, I think, is much more important. WE do get an explanation towards the end of the chapter, which, again, helps, but I would like to see more hints of Q’s emotional involvement with this whole situation earlier on. 

I agree that this needs fixing as well. I was caught in the action of the moment but upon reflection, I think @Silk is spot on here.

 

As I go

- pg 6: all action up to here, fantastic tension. Love love love M's hotheadedness

- pg 9: Is it okay if we outrun your mess first, before we discuss that fubar-in-chief?”  <-- this is a great line!

- pg 12: terrible waste of chiseled-cheekbones I AM DEAD

- pg 15: I appreciate the backstory we are getting now. Probably still need a bit more before this though, since it's just been hinted and I've been grasping for so long this almost feels anticlimactic

- pg 17: I just...dearly love M and all her dialogue. Teenage me and teenage M would have...not been a good combination

- pg 19: the 'good girl' here is a bit squicky noting M's age, Q's age, and that she is a highly competent partner

 

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Posted (edited)

I second @kais's comments about some of the great lines in this chapter. 

Also, I don't think I actually said this, so: the action and tension in this chapter really are great! I enjoyed it quite a bit. I just would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't also spent the whole chapter hollering "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS" while fellow travelers and airport security looked at me askance.*

*Okay, this last bit might have only happened in my head...

Edited by Silk
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Not anywhere near first for once! Work has been...yeah. Anyway.

This one started pretty rough, but smoothed out about halfway through. I'm still not sold on the events in the hospital, and Q&M's relationship with the police, but I'm glad they're moving on quickly to catch up with the other chars in YK.

17 hours ago, Silk said:

I will echo @shatteredsmooth‘s comment about originally thinking M had been shot by a bullet, and @Asmodemon makes a good point about them waking up at a narratively convenient time. Since the police were just charging into the room at the time presumably they were both unconscious for quite a short while, which is ... not usually the point of a tranquilizer. 

Same. This was one of the main problems I had with that scene.

6 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 12: terrible waste of chiseled-cheekbones I AM DEAD

Also yes. This is an excellent line!

6 hours ago, kais said:
17 hours ago, Silk said:

I need either to be much more convinced that Mor is as scary as Q thinks he is, or to have a much better sense of Q’s personal involvement  with Mor. The latter, I think, is much more important. WE do get an explanation towards the end of the chapter, which, again, helps, but I would like to see more hints of Q’s emotional involvement with this whole situation earlier on. 

I agree that this needs fixing as well. I was caught in the action of the moment but upon reflection, I think @Silk is spot on here

I'm going to (gasp) disagree a little on this one. There were several lines hinting at a previous relationship with Q and Mor working at the same company, a blowup in California (maybe? somewhere.), and that Mor was the one who took his kid away. At the moment I think it's enough to drive the reader to know that Q has a vendetta and will not be completely in control around Mor.

I will also echo that the car/plane chases were well done and very action-y. They kept me reading!

 

Notes while reading:
pg 2: "which made no sense"
--I really like both of the analogies, but one right after the other reduces the zing. Also, the second one really doesn't make much sense ;-)

pg 2: "preceded him into the room"
--except he was already poking his head in the room?

pg 3: "There was something else in his pocket."
--confused here. The vial was in Q's pocket? Am I right in assuming it's the same yellowish stuff in R's mouth? Then why is it in Q's pocket?

pg 4: "He shot us with riot control stun darts"
--Oh? I did not get that. I assumed it was gunshot in the last chapter, from the force of the hit. Would darts have that much mass?

pg 4: "switched places with the young man?"
--switched with who? Wasn't there still a body in the other bed?

pg 5: "Q was going to prison unless he could prove M was here"
--Where did he go last time? Did we find out? If he went out the window, there'd be a sign. If he went into the hall, I guess he managed to evade both of the officers outside? Also, it is certain the Q is going to prison? Why? He and M were both shot, which is a good indication they didn't do it.

pg 5: "good a biding anything"
--a -> at

pg 7: "It had ‘pumps’ still 
--Why the quotes?

pg 7: "it was a total mismatch"
--what was?

pg 9: "sent their car plunging up 14th Avenue as the back window blew out."
--I love the car fighting desperately to obey traffic laws.

pg 10: "Without any intervention from its computer"
--ahh...I like the sentiment of this, but the car control module is likely buried pretty deep and any damage will just brick it. I'm willing to let it go on handwaviuw because it is pretty awesome.

pg 11: “It was B,” "He'll cut us off from the hotel."
--what did B do and why is he at the hotel?
--Edit...ah, got it. He was in the other police car. Took two readthroughs.

pg 12: “…remote immobiliser. You idiot.”
--okay, now my suspension of disbelief is going. M managed to smash the autodrive without bricking the car, but there was still enough computery stuff going for the remote immobilizer to work?

pg 13: "you terrible waste of chiselled cheekbones."
--Nice backstory slid in here!

pg 13: "You weren’t even arrested; we were just talking.”
--I have to (sort of) agree with the cops here.

pg 15: "M took the son I never wanted away..."
--Aha! Some motivation!

pg 15: K's first name is...S h r e k??

pg 17: “message him that we’re coming..."
--I assume this is 80, but maybe needs a tag.

pg 18: "And it remembered my birthday.” 
--Lol.

pg 18: "My job title at E Corp was Executive Pilot"
--that's new and interesting!

pg 20: "The android was standing at the side of the road with their cases at its feet."
--That's...fast. I wonder how it got there?

pg 21: "1060 millimetres, giving a margin of 530 millimetres"
--aahh, that's plenty.


 

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Hey SSMooth, many thanks for reading.

On 26/08/2019 at 6:17 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I liked this chapter. I hardly noticed it was longer than the usual submissions. Lots of action to move the narrative forward and it does make up for less happening through most of the previous one.

That's good! I'm hoping I can take 100-200 words out of through tidier writing, but I'm glad it zipped by for you :) 

On 26/08/2019 at 6:17 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was a little confused at first. I thought M had been shot with a bullet, not some kind of tranquilizer, so I was trying to figure out how she had the ability to go through the window with a bullet in her. I thought DM had meant to kill her because she was a witness and frame Q, but eventually, when Q caught up to her and she wasn't bleeding, I realized she had been hit with something similar to what he had been hit with.

I'll clarify that because, while I've ever so slightly conned the reader by saying she was shot (I remember being caught like this as a kid when Starsky got shot, and I thought it meant he was dead, but then I realise you could get shot without dying, phew! I think I was about 12... :rolleyes: ), I want it to be clear at the start of this chapter, so she can jump out the window without the reader having your reaction, of course!

On 26/08/2019 at 6:17 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I had no other confusion and enjoyed all the action. I loved how it ended with all the automated stuff disconnected and the android off the net, forcing Q to do things manually.

Yay! :D 

On 26/08/2019 at 6:17 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

“We were stitched up; clear as the tiny dick on B’s forehead.” Not quite sure what M means here, particularly about the "stitched up" part.

Stitched up essentially just means conned / framed. Search engine says:

stitch up. 1. phrasal verb. To stitch someone up means to trick them so that they are put in a difficult or unpleasant situation, especially one where they are blamed for something they have not done.

Is this just a UK phrase? I'll see if anyone else reacts to it, I guess.

On 26/08/2019 at 6:17 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

"and S can be an a sometimes" Maybe this is WRS, but I'm not sure which cop S is because M refers to them by last names. Honestly, when I saw this name, the first thing I thought of was the character from the movie whose title shares that characters name. 

Ah, this is N referring to Sheriff K as 'Shrek', a nickname, because it has 4 of the same letters as K-r-e-s-k-i. Again, I'll need to see if other readers get that.

Really appreciate your comments. Thank you! :)  

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Not much to say here, pretty much just a RAEBNC. Hung together pretty well, action is good, and now that the narrative isn't referencing things I'm supposed to know but haven't seen, my confusion is gone. Asmodemon makes good points though. 

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1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

Not much to say here, pretty much just a RAEBNC. Hung together pretty well, action is good, and now that the narrative isn't referencing things I'm supposed to know but haven't seen, my confusion is gone. Asmodemon makes good points though. 

Thanks for reading, ID, much appreciated. I shall pay close attention to @Asmodemon's comments, but I'm glad things feel clearer now :) 

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Hey Asmodemon! Great to have your comments on this.

On 26/08/2019 at 8:47 PM, Asmodemon said:

Nice action packed chapter. Like Shatteredsmooth I didn’t notice that it was longer than previous submissions, it read very quickly. I liked the whole chase scene. Most of my comments are from the start of the chapter.

That's good. I'm happy with that. There does seem to be more work for me to do there at the beginning.

On 26/08/2019 at 8:47 PM, Asmodemon said:

Tranquilizer: Since Q. and M. were knocked out I don’t know how long they were unconscious, but they did wake up at a narratively convenient time. Out long enough for Mor. to make his escape, and short enough to be awake again when the police barged in to make for two convenient suspects.

It’s also convenient that Mor. was carrying both lethal rounds and tranquilizers, but he’s been pretty much on point for most of the story so I’ll accept he had both on him even though he was there to kill someone.

That's great. I'm glad you're willing to suspend any potential disbelief. Mor is supposed to be competent, so I'm glad that's reasonably convincing. There's some dramatic license in relation to the waking up time, certainly. I just need to hope the reader won't look too closely at that.

On 26/08/2019 at 8:47 PM, Asmodemon said:

Hiding: At the end of the previous chapter I thought Mor. was the second passenger, hiding underneath the covers for an opportune moment to strike. But this chapter shows that there was a second body in the bed with Mor.. So, if the second body was the second passenger, how did Mor. get into the room unseen in the first place? There’s police outside, R. was awake in the bed…so how did Mor. get in? For that matter, how did he get out? Did all the police officers leave at the same time to give him the opportunity.

You're right of course, I think this is the biggest hole in the chapter. I'm keen not to have another scene which shows how Mor got into the room, although, it could be really dramatic if the reader knows that Mor is under that cover, but Q. and M. do not. It's tempting, but it's yet another POV in the chapter. I reckon I can get him into the room by having him throw on a doctor's coat, that can get him past Parks. I think I can have him kill the other patient, simply by injecting air into his blood stream (first putting the patient's monitors on Mor's own wrist). The issue is R seeing him and recognising him.  >>>>>>>>  A day later, and I have written that other scene, just showing Mor's thoughts revealing how he did it. It's 128 words I could have done with out, but I think it might ramp up the tension. We'll see when I can some poor sap into doing to full alpha read.

On 26/08/2019 at 8:47 PM, Asmodemon said:

Framing: I assume Mor. was planning to frame the first doctor or nurse who’d be in there alone, just as soon as he got the info he needed from R.. Nice for him that it was Q. he could frame. Not so good that he showed his face to Q. and let him live – that’s a pretty big loose end. I wonder then if it hadn’t been better for Mor. to just kill Q., maybe frame the thing on M. or just accept that the police are going to look for a mystery killer (who nobody can link to him), rather than let the man who saw his face live. There’s always the chance that the police might have believed Q. and though he succeeded in his mission his identity is now out. That means there are now a lot more people to kill.

Heh, I guess I could switch part of the scene to Mor's POV from under the cover, but I'm not sure about that. Arguably, because TOM knows that Q is in C-r-e-s-t-o-n, so does Mor, although we don't see that being conveyed on screen. Similarly, there is history between Mor and Q, as has been flagged already, but it's open to question whether it was TOM's orders not to kill Q or Mor's own 'issues', whatever they might be. I'll need to bring that out, and have Mth ask the question about why Mor didn't kill them.

Oooh, you've challenged me good on this one. Thank you, I appreciate that! :) I'm going to need to ponder it pretty closely. 

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Went back and re-read this one so I could get back on my line-by-lines. (I tried to make comments I would have the first time through.) 

I enjoyed it more the second time, which is saying something for me because I basically live by the Oscar Wilde code when it comes to reading books: “If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”

I'm really late with the comments so I'll keep this short. I'd basically be parroting what everyone else said anyway. I thought M getting shot was going to be more severe. This was my favorite chapter up to this point. With a couple hiccups I thought the dialogue really popped. 

The chase scene is a bit sloppy. I can't picture the logistics of it.

The remote shut down on the car needs to be addressed much earlier. From the moment they took the car to when it shut down I was really really distracted by the fact that it hadn't shut down already. I don't see why the owner of the car couldn't disable it immediately. People can do that now from their phones.

I don't get why the cops let them go?

I LOVE them pulling the plane up and picking up 80. I want more here--just a bit. Gawking onlookers or something. I think it has real potential to fall into the Gaiman/Pratchett level of scene.

Probably not helpful, but, anyway, on to line-by-line for Ch 8!

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14 hours ago, Robinski said:

it could be really dramatic if the reader knows that Mor is under that cover, but Q. and M. do not. It's tempting, but it's yet another POV in the chapter

It would be really dramatic! Have you considered 3rd Person Cinematic instead of Limited? Considering the sheer number of POVs and characters in this piece, I could see it working. Of course it's probably too late for that kind of change.

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Hey Silk, really glad to have your comments!

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

“...her pale, unpainted lips” seems an odd detail to appear just at the moment.

Yeah, I changed this line in editing. I actually use the term later in relation to an NPC, and that's a once per book detail!

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

Obviously Mor is a real piece of work, but without a sense of the stakes it is a little hard to take him too seriously.

I'll play the stakes up more here.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

If the police have Q pegged as any sort of potential threat, they should have secured him fist before checking on any of the victims, and they certainly should have made sure the scene was secure before sending in civilian medics.

Hmm, yeah, okay. I'm maybe relying on some license here, and on it being  a local sheriff sort of deal. I'll see how this play over all the comments.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

i’s not entirely credible to me that there would be absolutely no evidence of Mor’s appearance. Surely there are CCTV cameras or something somewhere in the hospital? Mor had to get in somehow. How does 2099 feel about state surveillance?

Okay, that is spot on. I'm relying on the urgency of the situation, initially, but I will need to come up with an answer for this one. The answer, almost certainly, will be that there is some indication of his presence, even it it's only that he 'nuked' the whole hospital IT network to cover his tracks escaping.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

Also seems to contradict Q’s own earlier thought that MOr would have framed him on impulse.

Okay. I mean it's possible Q is just wrong, but I appreciate that the more incorrect conclusion the m/cs drawing the more jumbled the narrative can seem. I'll look at this.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

M is obviously impetuous and antagonistic, but this is the first time she’s done something that strikes me as, well, really rather stupid. Violently fleeing from police is not a good way to help your court case.

True. I'll see how the majority view plays out. My concern would be that if they do the sensible thing, the story could end up with them being interviewed for 400 pages :lol: 

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

This scene is tons of fun, not gonna lie, but I am deeply annoyed with both of them for making this so much harder on themselves.

That's okay. Fun + annoyed is good, I think! I think the reader being frustrated by characters choices is okay if the choices are convincing as ones the characters would make.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

So... whether or not they find Mor and actually end up getting out of the under charge, they are wracking up a ton of extra ones here. Resisting arrest, assaulting a peace officer (possibly aggravated assault, since at one point Q almost runs over K with a car), regular assault of the driver, dangerous driving, and from Q’s current line of thinking, at least two counts of theft...

Lol - it's almost as if you have read page 108 already ;) 

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

should be R’s wife, I think?

Argh, yes thanks!

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

So Q told the cops exactly where he’s going, and the cops now have plenty of time to organize a helicopter. Or just have folks waiting on the ground in Yellowknife. Q’s thought about that, right? Right?

I felt like it was clear that he had. He says something else about leading them after Mor, so hopefully that's communicated. There are later scenes where it's discussed.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

there really MUST be security systems in that hospital that would prove that Mor (or someone who shoudn’t have been, at the very least) was there.

Yup, I'm including for this now. Thanks for calling it out.

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

@Asmodemon makes a good point about them waking up at a narratively convenient time

Dammit, Silk, I'm a writer not a brain-surgeon! Okay, yes, this is a bit convenient, but look over here... <hand-wave, hand-wave>, a car chase!!

On 27/08/2019 at 8:35 AM, Silk said:

I am having a bit of a hard time getting past the fact that this is objectively a really dumb idea. Q acknowledges this towards the end of the scene which helps. hat being said, I think to buy into this scene fully, I need either to be much more convinced that Mor is as scary as Q thinks he is, or to have a much better sense of Q’s personal involvement  with Mor. The latter, I think, is much more important. WE do get an explanation towards the end of the chapter, which, again, helps, but I would like to see more hints of Q’s emotional involvement with this whole situation earlier on. 

This is a good point, and I've tried to do that in the edit I've just done. I tend to think it might not go far enough. There is more call out of the Qu-Mor relationship, but it comes a bit later because they are in full flight. I'll need to think of how to get it into this chapter in a way that doesn't rupture the flow, given that this already is a long chapter - although I cut 300+ words this edit (whoop, whoop!).

I'm really pleased there are many elements that are working, and confident I can fix most of the other stuff, hopefully  get it down a level that the reader is just a bit made at Mot and Qu without being annoyed at the writing.

Thank you so much for commenting :) 

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On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

No real issues at all. Some quibbles below. I loved this! Action! Danger! Snark! Q and M are at their best here, and I loved every minute of it. It read smooth and I had to force myself to slow my reading because I was so excited to see where they ended up, and where the plot was going. Loved the Q reveals too, and of course, always love M.

:D 

Awesome!! After just being hauled over the coals by @Silk (very fairly, I would add!), this is just the tonic I needed.

On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

I agree that this needs fixing as well. I was caught in the action of the moment but upon reflection, I think @Silk is spot on here.

I do agree with your agreement my response to Silk:

2 minutes ago, Robinski said:

This is a good point, and I've tried to do that in the edit I've just done. I tend to think it might not go far enough. There is more call out of the Qu-Mor relationship, but it comes a bit later because they are in full flight. I'll need to think of how to get it into this chapter in a way that doesn't rupture the flow

 

On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

- pg 6: all action up to here, fantastic tension. Love love love M's hotheadedness

Yaaasss. Vote for M jumping out the window! I'm relieved.

On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

- pg 12: terrible waste of chiseled-cheekbones I AM DEAD

:D 

On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

- pg 15: I appreciate the backstory we are getting now. Probably still need a bit more before this though, since it's just been hinted and I've been grasping for so long this almost feels anticlimactic

I think I've tweaked this up a bit, but might have to do more in the next edit.

On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

- pg 17: I just...dearly love M and all her dialogue. Teenage me and teenage M would have...not been a good combination

:lol: 

On 27/08/2019 at 7:43 PM, kais said:

- pg 19: the 'good girl' here is a bit squicky noting M's age, Q's age, and that she is a highly competent partner

Yargh, yes. When I go back and read, it does sound entirely too much like he's addressing a pet Labrador <shudder>. My apologies, now changed to 'Good work'.

Thanks so much for this comments, Kais. Very helpful and encouraging.

:) 

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On 27/08/2019 at 11:02 PM, Silk said:

I just would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't also spent the whole chapter hollering "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS" while fellow travelers and airport security looked at me askance.*

*Okay, this last bit might have only happened in my head...

:lol: 

This is a good way of putting it. That gives me something to think about. I will look again at this chapter with 'WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?' in mind.

Thanks!

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Hey, Mandamon, thanks for reading. I'm sure the comment quality is a as high as ever, and hope that work settled down! 

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

This one started pretty rough, but smoothed out about halfway through. I'm still not sold on the events in the hospital, and Q&M's relationship with the police, but I'm glad they're moving on quickly to catch up with the other chars in YK.

Right. I'm happy to accept that chapter's not quite there yet, but I think it's improving, judging from the comments. Still many passes to 'cross', no doubt.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

Same. This was one of the main problems I had with that scene.

Right. I'll ponder what to do about that.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

I'm going to (gasp) disagree a little on this one... At the moment I think it's enough to drive the reader to know that Q has a vendetta and will not be completely in control around Mor.

Gasp! :o 

Okay, so this is a split decision, so far. I have tinkered a little. Maybe I won't tinker anymore at the moment.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "which made no sense"
--I really like both of the analogies, but one right after the other reduces the zing.

I've moved one a bit further on. Good catch.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

Also, the second one really doesn't make much sense ;-)

Mission accomplished! ;) 

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "preceded him into the room"
--except he was already poking his head in the room?

Good point, changed.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "There was something else in his pocket."
--confused here. The vial was in Q's pocket? Am I right in assuming it's the same yellowish stuff in R's mouth? Then why is it in Q's pocket?

Yes, the vial was, not something 'else'. I think previously he took his handkerchief out. Yellow stuff, check. Mor put it there.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "He shot us with riot control stun darts"
--Oh? I did not get that. I assumed it was gunshot in the last chapter, from the force of the hit. Would darts have that much mass?

Yeah, the more I think about this... His gun was called out as having a silencer before, which I deleted, but that does contribute to this problem, I think. Also, Mot crumples backwards rather than being slammed, but the door itself is slammed by her falling on it. I did think that even someone slumping against a door would have the effect of slamming it closed quite forcefully, but maybe the word 'slamming' is giving the (wrong) impression of her being thrown backwards.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 4: "switched places with the young man?"
--switched with who? Wasn't there still a body in the other bed?

Yeah, this bit was always a little iffy. I've kind of flip-flopped between Mor being under the sheet with a dead body, and Mor being under the sheet and the dead body being on the floor, which is really pretty lame. 

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Q was going to prison unless he could prove M was here"
--Where did he go last time? Did we find out? If he went out the window, there'd be a sign. If he went into the hall, I guess he managed to evade both of the officers outside? Also, it is certain the Q is going to prison? Why? He and M were both shot, which is a good indication they didn't do it.

I'll admit there is some handwavium going on here. Q and M could have shot each other with darts, I suppose... heh, that's pretty convoluted even for this scene. I might have to have Kr call a general 'I'm going to hold you because you're all I've got at this point' sort of deal.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "It had ‘pumps’ still 
--Why the quotes?

I had in mind that they were not like normal pumps, but I didn't go down that line - quotes removed.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "it was a total mismatch"
--what was?

It was supposed to show that Kr again Mor was a mismatch, but I gather from others I've been painting Mor as quite deadly enough, so I've deleted this.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 9: "sent their car plunging up 14th Avenue as the back window blew out."
--I love the car fighting desperately to obey traffic laws.

:) 

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "Without any intervention from its computer"
--ahh...I like the sentiment of this, but the car control module is likely buried pretty deep and any damage will just brick it. I'm willing to let it go on handwaviuw because it is pretty awesome.

That's a good engineering point, and I agree. I'll continue to rely on the chemical properties of handwavium for now.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: “It was B,” "He'll cut us off from the hotel."
--what did B do and why is he at the hotel?
--Edit...ah, got it. He was in the other police car. Took two readthroughs.

Tweaked for clarity. Thanks.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 12: “…remote immobiliser. You idiot.”
--okay, now my suspension of disbelief is going. M managed to smash the autodrive without bricking the car, but there was still enough computery stuff going for the remote immobilizer to work?

Good point. I'm going to change this... 

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 13: "You weren’t even arrested; we were just talking.”
--I have to (sort of) agree with the cops here.

Heh, yes. They kind of are right. Let'd blame Mth. :unsure: 

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 15: K's first name is...S h r e k??

It's Wayne. His nickname is S h r e k. There was a scene (now cut) when nat was interviewed in the police station and it was clear that she and Kre went to school together. I guess this is kind of lost now.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 17: “message him that we’re coming..."
--I assume this is 80, but maybe needs a tag.

Done.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 20: "The android was standing at the side of the road with their cases at its feet."
--That's...fast. I wonder how it got there?

There is a bit of disconnect here. When Q/M left the diner after breakfast, it was noted that 80 was going to be packing. I'll leave it to the first full alpha and see if it snags then.

On 28/08/2019 at 2:31 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 21: "1060 millimetres, giving a margin of 530 millimetres"
--aahh, that's plenty.

:lol: 

Great comments, as always. Thanks so much!

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Hey Hawk, thank you so much for reading, I will go look at the GDrive file, me having fallen behind again.

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

I enjoyed it more the second time, which is saying something for me because I basically live by the Oscar Wilde code when it comes to reading books: “If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”

:lol: Love me some OW. This is great!

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

I'm really late with the comments so I'll keep this short. I'd basically be parroting what everyone else said anyway. I thought M getting shot was going to be more severe. This was my favorite chapter up to this point. With a couple hiccups I thought the dialogue really popped.

Cool. Please don't worry about timescale. I'm just delighted you're still on board :) 

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

The chase scene is a bit sloppy. I can't picture the logistics of it.

Okay. It'll get more edits before this goes anywhere near an agent/publisher. I'll trust in my spidey sense to pick up places to improve clarity.

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

The remote shut down on the car needs to be addressed much earlier. From the moment they took the car to when it shut down I was really really distracted by the fact that it hadn't shut down already. I don't see why the owner of the car couldn't disable it immediately. People can do that now from their phones.

Good point, and @Mandamon mentioned this too above, and I started to comment on it, then I think got distracted. Q does take the driver's handset, but I've flagged the significance of that in relation to immobilisation. Also, I've dropped 'remote immobiliser'. The cops now have a vehicle(ular) taser <muah-hah-ha!>.

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

I don't get why the cops let them go?

Kr not willing to take the chance on Q shooting Nat. I hoped that would be convincing.

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

I LOVE them pulling the plane up and picking up 80. I want more here--just a bit. Gawking onlookers or something. I think it has real potential to fall into the Gaiman/Pratchett level of scene.

:blink:  Well, on that basis, we shall have some bystanders!

On 14/09/2019 at 0:22 AM, hawkedup said:

Probably not helpful, but, anyway, on to line-by-line for Ch 8!

Always, always helpful. Thank you so much. I'm right behind you... sort of. 

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On 14/09/2019 at 0:24 AM, hawkedup said:

It would be really dramatic! Have you considered 3rd Person Cinematic instead of Limited? Considering the sheer number of POVs and characters in this piece, I could see it working. Of course it's probably too late for that kind of change.

Pretty big change, but I'll think on it. I have put in a short Mor POV that puts him under the sheet. I'll see how it plays on the next read through.

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