Ixthos

Nerd jokes

41 posts in this topic

So, what is your favourite nerd jokes, science jokes, or humour obscurus?

 

How does Spider-man travel arround the city so quickly?

Spoiler

He uses Peter Parkour.

 

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman says: "So, do you all want a drink?"

The first logician says: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

The third logician says: "Yes."

 

@Ripheus23 you might like this one:

What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

Spoiler

Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

 

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A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100 billion. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions. First, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere . . ."

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I’ve got some math puns that also have various nerdy references in them.

One day, I encountered an Ent in the forest. I was curious as to why he was there, as I had thought he was a resident of Middle Earth. He claimed that he had been visiting his friend, Gru, who could build him a device to help his fellow Ents make up their minds quicker. But Khan has been passing by and, being evil, had snatched him up and gotten him lost in the forest. So I led the Ent out of the forest and reunited him with Khan and Gru. I wanted them to stop fighting and for there to be peace, so I said “Khan, Gru, Ent”, pointing at them each in turn, “You guys need to realize how similar each of you are!” Problem solved.

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1 hour ago, Ixthos said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

He uses Peter Parkour.

 

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman says: "So, do you all want a drink?"

The first logician says: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

The third logician says: "Yes."

 

@Ripheus23 you might like this one:

What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

  Reveal hidden contents

Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

 

Augh, I *almost* got it haha. I like the logic one too

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Two atoms were walking down the road. The first atom suddenly stopped. "I think I just dropped one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" said the second atom.

The first atom looked at him. "I'm positive!"


If you ever want to flirt with a biologist, just tell them that if you had to pick between DNA and RNA, you would choose RNA every time. Why?

Spoiler

Because RNA has U in it.

 

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1 hour ago, Ixthos said:

Two atoms were walking down the road. The first atom suddenly stopped. "I think I just dropped one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" said the second atom.

The first atom looked at him. "I'm positive!"


If you ever want to flirt with a biologist, just tell them that if you had to pick between DNA and RNA, you would choose RNA every time. Why?

  Hide contents

Because RNA has U in it.

 

BOTH OF THOSE ARE CRACKING ME UP :lol:

Here’s a classic one that I see on t-shirts everywhere:

You can’t trust an atom. They make up everything.

Edited by Lunamor
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Never trust atoms.

Spoiler

They make up everything

A man walks into a bar he says "I want ten times the number of drinks already being served here!

Spoiler

"That," said the bartender "is an order of magnitude"

Nerdy pick up lines;).

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
 
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
 
I wish I was your derivative...
Spoiler

so I can lie tangent to your curve.

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Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says: "I would like some H2O."

The second chemist says: "I would like some H2O as well."

The first chemist sits down and drinks, angry that the assassination attempt failed.


Helium walked into a bar.

"I'm sorry," said the barman. "We don't serve noble gasses here."

Helium didn't react.

 

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

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Mine's more geek humor that no one gets.

The other night it was omelette night at our house and I'm cooking.  As I pull out two cast iron skillets, I strike a dramatic pose, wave them mystically, and say "I'm dual casting."  There is silence and confused stares.

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I am a fan of nerd humor :)

“You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.”

 

Want to hear a potassium joke?

...

K.

 

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On 8/28/2019 at 6:57 AM, Philomath said:

I am a fan of nerd humor :)

“You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.”

 

Want to hear a potassium joke?

...

K.

 

And on that line ... 

Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium,

Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium,

Spoiler

Batman!

 

Also, remember, if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate :-P


Did you know that any flight to Poland requires a certain degree of care when assigning passengers from different countries seats on the craft? You see, the system is only stable when all the Poles are on the left half of the plane.

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6 hours ago, Ixthos said:

And on that line ... 

Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium,

Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium,

  Hide contents

Batman!

 

Okay. I am a person who usually keeps my laughs inside and just grins when I find something funny. But this one made me burst out laughing.

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This one always was cracking me up :P

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

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On 9/8/2019 at 7:52 AM, Kualo said:

This one always was cracking me up :P

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

I like that one :-)

Einstein, Newton, Heisenberg, and Pascal were playing hide and seek. They began the game, Einstein counting, and Pascal and Heisenberg ran off to hide. Netwon, however, just drew a square - with each side 1 metre - on the ground, and then sat down inside it. When Einstein finished counting he turned around, and said to Newton: "I've found you Newton!" But Newton replied: "No, you haven't! You found Pascal!"

 

Oh, and If you are wondering why Heisenberg is in the joke, and where he was hiding ... I'm not certain, but I can tell you how fast he was going ;-)

 

You know, numbers can be very weird. I just heard a rather complex disagreement between the real and imaginary axes - they were having an argument over pi (or maybe it was half a pi? I'm sure they could have done with two pies, or any even number to share). It didn't sound very rational to me, but that's transcendental to the story.

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On 8/14/2019 at 11:51 AM, Ixthos said:

 

@Ripheus23 you might like this one:

What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

  Hide contents

Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

 

The best part about this is that I understand it. Yay for being nerds!

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On 5/11/2020 at 3:14 AM, Matrim's_Dice said:

The best part about this is that I understand it. Yay for being nerds!

Indeed! :-D

 

You know, I'd forgotten I'd made this thread. Here is an old one, but that just means its a classic ;-)

 

A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician went out to hunt deer. Soon they spot one, and the mathematician carefully calculates, based on the weight of the bullet, the speed at which it will leave the barrel, the distance to the target, and the projectile's arc due to gravity, how to hit the target. So the mathematician takes aim, fires, and misses by one metre to the left.

"Ahh!" Says the engineer. "You forgot to take the wind into account. Here, let me try." So the engineer takes the gun, eyeballs it, fires at the deer, and misses by one metre to the right.

"Ah ha!" Says the statistician. "We gottem'!"

 

(Of course the real flaw in this joke is the statistician should know better than to only use two samples. That's why they should have used a shotgun - it would have increased the sample size.)

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

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Posted (edited)

On ‎6‎/‎7‎/‎2020 at 2:58 AM, The_Truthwatcher said:

--Snip--

I heard this one at an actual math program like two years ago. I still love it.

Also, my contribution (courtesy of the great Randall Munroe):

Spoiler

newton_and_leibniz.png

Title Text: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Edited by Personification
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6 minutes ago, Personification said:

I heard this one at an actual math program like two years ago. I still love it.

Also, my contribution (courtesy of the great Randall Munroe):

  Hide contents

newton_and_leibniz.png

Title Text: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

The sunglasses are the best part :lol:

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Posted (edited)

 

 " We don't serve your kind here " the bartender says .

 A tachyon walks into the bar 

________

Gold walks into the bar.

" Au get out , we don't serve ur kind here " says the bartender._

_______

I actually had a joke about I invented time travel. But you guys didn't like it. So I decided to remove it.-_-

________

Ok this one isn't exactly science but it's nearby.

" What's your power ? " asked professor X.

" Hindsight " said Jeff 

" That doesn't really help us " 

" Yes , I realize that now "

_______

To the great delight of the Sol federation. . The Gastronomes , known for thier love of  exquisite and exotic foods , from the Orion sector invited our embassador to a celebratory feast so that they could consume a good meal and the wisdom in his brain. 

 

The translator was later fired for gross and lethal incompetence. 

______

On studying the language of the bellicose star federation. Our linguists assured us that they were a peaceful species since they had not even a term for war.

Later after much sorrow , they found out they had a 100 seperate names for different kinds of war and furthur subdivisions. 

_______

"I'm pregnant," Lois Lane said. 


Superman turned red. "Didn't you take precautions?" 


"Of course I took precautions. Did you think a diaphragm could stop your sperm? The little bugger probably ripped right through it like it was made of tissue paper."

______

Bill gates found out that he had toooo much money. So he decides to negate it by buying a lot of antimony. 

______

 

Edited by PrinceGenocide
A little polishing
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On 8/16/2019 at 6:28 AM, Karger said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

"That," said the bartender "is an order of magnitude"

Nerdy pick up lines;).

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
 
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
 
I wish I was your derivative...
  Reveal hidden contents

so I can lie tangent to your curve.

I will be sure to use those pickup lines. :lol:

 

On 9/3/2019 at 11:35 PM, Ixthos said:

 

Did you know that any flight to Poland requires a certain degree of care when assigning passengers from different countries seats on the craft? You see, the system is only stable when all the Poles are on the left half of the plane.

Loved the one about sodium. I didn't get the poles past tho. Why left ? Are u talking about magnetic poles ? The polar form of complex equations ?

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Posted (edited)

38 minutes ago, PrinceGenocide said:

I will be sure to use those pickup lines. :lol:

 

Loved the one about sodium. I didn't get the poles past tho. Why left ? Are u talking about magnetic poles ? The polar form of complex equations ?

 

It relates to control theory. Basically the poles and holes of a system, plotted in the s-plane (a complex plane), describe how the system behaves - basically they describe signals that either decay (the left half) or grow to infinity (the right half), and so a stable system only has poles on the left half of the plane. Think of them as sine waves that, for poles on the left half decay in amplitude, and those on the right half are sine waves that grow in amplitude, the frequency of those sine waves is defined by the pair of poles' y-value - the further from zero, the greater the frequency. The x-value then is in effect the exponent of the number the sine wave is multiplied by.

 

... of course its been a while since I took control courses, so I might have screwed up the description in some ways, but that is the general idea :-P Hope this helps!

 

[Edit] Also, this might help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S-plane

Edited by Ixthos
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19 minutes ago, Ixthos said:

 

It relates to control theory. Basically the poles and holes of a system, plotted in the s-plane (a complex plane), describe how the system behaves - basically they describe signals that either decay (the left half) or grow to infinity (the right half), and so a stable system only has poles on the left half of the plane. Think of them as sine waves that, for poles on the left half decay in amplitude, and those on the right half are sine waves that grow in amplitude, the frequency of those sine waves is defined by the pair of poles' y-value - the further from zero, the greater the frequency. The x-value then is in effect the exponent of the number the sine wave is multiplied by.

 

... of course its been a while since I took control courses, so I might have screwed up the description in some ways, but that is the general idea :-P Hope this helps!

 

[Edit] Also, this might help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S-plane

I know zilch about this topic, but unstable systems sound kinda scary :blink:

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