The beginning of something much larger

[Nathrangking]

This is the prologue through chapter 3 of something much bigger that has been a long time coming. @Comatose I would like to know what you think!! I will update it as I write!! Enjoy and hold no punches!! Edit:For those who have a problem with word here is a PDF.

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warped Gate.docx

Warped Gate.pdf

Edited September 27, 2019 by Nathrangking

[+Ark1002]

17 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

This is the prologue of something much bigger that has been a long time coming. Calling @Rebecca @Archer, @Toaster Retribution, @StrikerEZ and others. I would like to know what you think!! I will update it as I write!! Enjoy and hold no punches!!

Warped Gate.docx

You're in Writer's Guild, right?

[Nathrangking]

On 7/26/2019 at 6:56 PM, RayOfSunshine said:

You're in Writer's Guild, right?

Yes.

[Lunamor]

It was requested on TLPW that I critique this, so here is what I like and what I think can be improved:

Spoiler

Like:

I love how mysterious it is and how you get just enough information to understand what is happening but it leaves you wondering as to what exactly is going on (if that makes any sense).

I like the transitions/contrast between the park and the war zone.

I also like where you ended it, it’s the perfect place to cut off at for maximum dramatic effect.

Possible Improvements:

In the first part it feels like you are using a ton of adjectives to describe the man and his dog, which is useful in most situations. However, I feel like it would be a bit better for the flow of the story if you were to spread them out, especially in the sentences with two or more. Moving these setting details a little further apart would let the reader be able to absorb them more easily and be (more) constantly reminded of the terrible state of the old man.

A few more commas/changes in sentence structure overall would be nice, for variety and a more natural flow to the story.

Watch out for what tense you are writing in, a couple of the words are written in the incorrect one.

 

So overall I really liked it, it was super mysterious and eye catching. The main thing I found that could be improved was the flow of the story, but other than that it was great.

 

[Nathrangking]

5 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

It was requested on TLPW that I critique this, so here is what I like and what I think can be improved:

  Reveal hidden contents

Like:

I love how mysterious it is and how you get just enough information to understand what is happening but it leaves you wondering as to what exactly is going on (if that makes any sense).

I like the transitions/contrast between the park and the war zone.

I also like where you ended it, it’s the perfect place to cut off at for maximum dramatic effect.

Possible Improvements:

In the first part it feels like you are using a ton of adjectives to describe the man and his dog, which is useful in most situations. However, I feel like it would be a bit better for the flow of the story if you were to spread them out, especially in the sentences with two or more. Moving these setting details a little further apart would let the reader be able to absorb them more easily and be (more) constantly reminded of the terrible state of the old man.

A few more commas/changes in sentence structure overall would be nice, for variety and a more natural flow to the story.

Watch out for what tense you are writing in, a couple of the words are written in the incorrect one.

 

So overall I really liked it, it was super mysterious and eye catching. The main thing I found that could be improved was the flow of the story, but other than that it was great.

 

Noted. I look forward to future feedback.

[AonEne]

How long is this? I've been mostly not reading side stuff lately because time issues. Sorry

[Nathrangking]

1 minute ago, AonEne said:

How long is this? I've been mostly not reading side stuff lately because time issues. Sorry

6 pages in word 7 in PDF

[Zephrun’s Imperium]

Okay, so I'll be honest, I have a really hard time reading anything in present tense. It makes me feel so removed from the story, like it's being told by someone else. Even in the Hunger Games, where it's present tense, but from Katniss's perspective, it just feels awkward and unprofessional. Which especially sucks in this story, because I can tell that you're a fantastic writer. You're really good at description and painting a good, poetic picture of what's going on. (even if I do agree with Luna - you could certainly pull back just a teeny bit) I know that it's stylistic, but that's just my opinion.

I thought the idea was a really interesting one and it seems like there's a lot you could expand on and really flesh out. I thought the pacing was good... but I got a little bit confused. This is the beginning of your story. Obviously, you can't explain everything to the reader, but you have to explain enough for them to not lose interest. Hear me out. When you write something, you already know it inside and out. What's hard is making the sure that the reader - who is only just entering the world you created - doesn't get lost. The pacing is good, yes, but as it's the very beginning, and the reader hasn't yet gotten used to the world, you could slow it down even more. 

Okay, that made it sound like I really know what I'm doing, but I probably don't. I enjoyed the story and I'm excited to see where you go with it. 

[Rebecca]

Yes! Something new of Nathrangking’s that I can read and critique! I love reading your stuff man, thanks for mentioning me. 

So, I was going to say some of what Luna already said. I’m very confused, but I understand enough to want to keep reading. It’s a very interesting idea, and I’m excited to see what comes next. I also like the personification you’ve used.

Here are some questions that, as a reader, I want answers to as I continue reading. (Though I’m sure you’ve already thought of most if not all of these.)

Spoiler

What happened in this man’s past? Why is he blind? What war did he serve in? How did he end up all alone in a park?

Who is this woman? Where did she get the glasses from? Why did she want his sunglasses in exchange for the other glasses? Is she working by herself or with a group?

I’m sure these questions will all be answered in their own time, but I just wanted to throw them out there.

[Ethan_sedai]

I liked it, but I agree with what everyone else said; I am a little confused. Also, at the beginning, it feels almost like everything is from the man’s POV, and then later, when he meets the woman, there are a lot of “kind of” visual descriptions, which was the weirdest and most confusing part to me. 

Edited July 29, 2019 by Ethan_Sedai

[Nathrangking]

On 7/29/2019 at 0:37 PM, Rebecca said:

Yes! Something new of Nathrangking’s that I can read and critique! I love reading your stuff man, thanks for mentioning me. 

So, I was going to say some of what Luna already said. I’m very confused, but I understand enough to want to keep reading. It’s a very interesting idea, and I’m excited to see what comes next. I also like the personification you’ve used.

Here are some questions that, as a reader, I want answers to as I continue reading. (Though I’m sure you’ve already thought of most if not all of these.)

  Hide contents

What happened in this man’s past? Why is he blind? What war did he serve in? How did he end up all alone in a park?

Who is this woman? Where did she get the glasses from? Why did she want his sunglasses in exchange for the other glasses? Is she working by herself or with a group?

I’m sure these questions will all be answered in their own time, but I just wanted to throw them out there.

I'll throw in some others: what's with the dog, how about the battle that appeared out of nowhere, why are certain things forgotten when they should not logically.

On 7/29/2019 at 0:55 PM, Ethan_Sedai said:

I liked it, but I agree with what everyone else said; I am a little confused. Also, at the beginning, it feels almost like everything is from the man’s POV, and then later, when he meets the woman, there are a lot of “kind of” visual descriptions, which was the weirdest and most confusing part to me. 

So this is intentional. @Shard of Thought the confusion is understandable. The key that no one has talked about yet is the surrealism of the story. Unless it is thought of in that way it will be very confusing.

 

EDIT: @Shard of Thought & @Ethan_Sedai feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Truthless of Shinovar]

Oh wow, Nathranking, this is awesome!!!

I like the story of it a lot, just the air of mystery that surrounds it all, the foreboding sense it gives the reader, and the suspense building up (at least for the reader; the poor blind man has no idea how sinister and evil-looking the lady looks). In this regards, it reminds me a little bit of an Edgar Allen Poe story, because the reader can tell that something awful is going to happen, but the main character remains blissfully unaware. I’d love to get another chapter/story of this, or at least more on the homeless man and the woman... both of their ambiguous pasts and motives lead me to asking a lot of questions. I think the only complaint I have would be the lack of commas, there were a couple of places that I think needed it. Overall though, I liked this story a lot, and I’m eager to read more of your writing!!

[Nathrangking]

On 7/29/2019 at 4:51 PM, Truthless of Shinovar said:

Oh wow, Nathranking, this is awesome!!!

I like the story of it a lot, just the air of mystery that surrounds it all, the foreboding sense it gives the reader, and the suspense building up (at least for the reader; the poor blind man has no idea how sinister and evil-looking the lady looks). In this regards, it reminds me a little bit of an Edgar Allen Poe story, because the reader can tell that something awful is going to happen, but the main character remains blissfully unaware. I’d love to get another chapter/story of this, or at least more on the homeless man and the woman... both of their ambiguous pasts and motives lead me to asking a lot of questions. I think the only complaint I have would be the lack of commas, there were a couple of places that I think needed it. Overall though, I liked this story a lot, and I’m eager to read more of your writing!!

Follow the thread more will come.

EDIT: @Truthless of Shinovar feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Tesh]

All i can really say that hasn't been said before is the dog. The dog seems to have a close connection to the man, but then seems to disappear after the man puts the leash on.

[Nathrangking]

On 7/29/2019 at 9:16 PM, Tesh said:

All i can really say that hasn't been said before is the dog. The dog seems to have a close connection to the man, but then seems to disappear after the man puts the leash on.

Mysterious how it just disappears isn't it? @Tesh Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @Tesh feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Toaster Retribution]

I read it, and found it mysterious, like people have said. You might want to check grammar, commas and spelling in some parts though. Good work Nathrang!

[Jaywalk]

I like it a lot! If mystery was what you were going for, you nailed that aspect.

There were just a few small nitpicks, such as lack of punctuation and contrived dialogue in a couple places, but other than that I’m impressed.

[Nathrangking]

On 7/30/2019 at 9:39 AM, Toaster Retribution said:

I read it, and found it mysterious, like people have said. You might want to check grammar, commas and spelling in some parts though. Good work Nathrang!

The grammar was a good catch by all. It has been corrected.  Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

On 7/30/2019 at 11:31 AM, Jaywalk said:

I like it a lot! If mystery was what you were going for, you nailed that aspect.

There were just a few small nitpicks, such as lack of punctuation and contrived dialogue in a couple places, but other than that I’m impressed.

I have since corrected the grammar. As for the contrived dialogue see my comment to @Ethan_Sedai. Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @Jaywalk & @Toaster Retribution feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Ammanas]

The only thing I have to add is the mysterious women’s language seemed very unnatural. Perhaps that is because she comes from the upper class and you were trying to show this? Or perhaps she is not human and merely pretending? If she is really a refined lady the word “Hell” comes off as jarring and not fitting her persona. Otherwise I was into it. I’d be interested to see where it goes...

[Nathrangking]

On 7/30/2019 at 7:06 PM, Ammanas said:

The only thing I have to add is the mysterious women’s language seemed very unnatural. Perhaps that is because she comes from the upper class and you were trying to show this? Or perhaps she is not human and merely pretending? If she is really a refined lady the word “Hell” comes off as jarring and not fitting her persona. Otherwise I was into it. I’d be interested to see where it goes...

Ah yes unnatural things going on perhaps something is happening here. See an above comment for a bit of insight. Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @Ammanas feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[GeneralHZRD]

This is really cool, thanks for mentioning me. 

I personally don't think it's that confusing, though I do think you could pull back from the descriptions a bit. (As others have said though, it's a stylistic choice so it's up to you.) One thing I was slightly confused on was the perspective. I'm not bothered by the present tense, but is the story from the man's perspective? Or is it an omniscient narrator? I was confused because it seems like it's told from the man's perspective, but if it is then there shouldn't be as much (if any at all) visual description. 

Also, I don't know much about PTSD but isn't it usually triggered by something? It almost seems like the man's PTSD (if that's what that is) is coming on without prompting. 

Overall, I really like it. You've got some really intriguing mystery elements, as well as some seemingly magical/supernatural things going on. I look forward to reading more.

[Nathrangking]

On 7/31/2019 at 1:54 PM, TheVillageIdiot said:

This is really cool, thanks for mentioning me. 

I personally don't think it's that confusing, though I do think you could pull back from the descriptions a bit. (As others have said though, it's a stylistic choice so it's up to you.) One thing I was slightly confused on was the perspective. I'm not bothered by the present tense, but is the story from the man's perspective? Or is it an omniscient narrator? I was confused because it seems like it's told from the man's perspective, but if it is then there shouldn't be as much (if any at all) visual description. 

Also, I don't know much about PTSD but isn't it usually triggered by something? It almost seems like the man's PTSD (if that's what that is) is coming on without prompting. 

Overall, I really like it. You've got some really intriguing mystery elements, as well as some seemingly magical/supernatural things going on. I look forward to reading more.

Ah!! Perspective is a tricky thing see an (Ethan Sedai) above comment for a possible explanation. I corrected it by adding a trigger. Follow the thread more will come.

EDIT: @TheVillageIdiot feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Ishar]

Things I thought were good:

Spoiler

I was confused but in a good way. I was confused because of how little we know about the plot etc it was confusing enough to make me (as the reader) feel intrigued and want to continue reading. I also thought the part right when the mysterious glasses returned the man his sight was written really well. Usually the scenes are difficult to get right, and this stood out to me.

 

Things I thought could be improved: (I am a naturally critical person, so I notice bad more than I notice good)

Spoiler

Syntax:

There were a few punctuation errors I noticed (mainly missing commas), which it sounds like has been corrected. I also thought there were a few times where sentences were ended when it might have been better to continue them.

I know this was mentioned before, but there were way too many adjectives in my opinion. It slowed down my reading, and made it more difficult for me to keep track of what was happening, especially in the beginning.

 

Dialogue:

I thought the dialogue could use a lot of work. Neither of them really spoke like normal people, the woman especially, and while it might make sense for the woman's talking to be abnormal, it was inconsistent (somebody above mentioned the use of "Hell" seeming out of place, that is a spot that I feel is inconsistent). Even people who don't speak normally, speak strangely consistently. The only time this sort of inconsistency makes sense (to me) is when somebody is trying to act/deceive (under a disguise etc), which didn't seem to fit with this scene.

 

Naming:

Another thing that bugged me was the way the woman was referred to, switching between Lil and Mrs. Devlin. First, there are some points where I feel that "she" would make the story flow better. While I felt that it was weird that it kept switching, I mainly felt that referring to her by any name, especially in contrast with the unnamed man, contrasted with the mysterious mood of the story. I think her name could still be introduced with the business card, but I think it would contribute better to the mysterious mood of the story if she was just referred to as "the woman".

 

Emotions:

I feel like the man's emotions tended to be a bit all over the place with not enough transition. For example, when the man first asked the woman why she helped him, and she gave her weird mysterious response, he goes from grateful to angry and annoyed with no transition, and it seems unnatural, and I feel that in general his mood seemed a little bit all over the place.

 

The Dog:

Above it was mentioned that the dog seemed very close with the man, then disappeared. While it seems clear after reading your response that this disappearance was intentional, to me, because the dog was never mentioned again, it feels more like the dog was forgotten by the author. I feel like it might help if you pointed out that his dog was gone, either by the man noticing, or maybe something along the lines of the man being to disoriented to notice.

I also found it strange that the dog wakes up and immediately starts happily barking. It seems weird given the condition of the man who is too weak to stand, and that I don't know of any dogs who wake up and immediately start barking for joy. Also, I find it very strange when the dog starts growling, painfully yipping, and then nothing, and then joyful barking again. Maybe this is intentional, but it doesn't make sense to me (especially since the dog is clearly still there afterwards), and I can't think of any reason why it would make sense (Maybe you did, I don't know, but I still think it should at least be reconsidered).

 

Visual descriptions:

Somebody else also pointed out that the visual descriptions felt weird, especially since the man is blind, I agree, and I feel like it might be better if you say something along the lines of "if the man could see, he would/might have noticed/seen" I think this would work well generally describing the woman, and could be used to make her seem more ominous (if that is what you want).

On a different note, I am very curious as to where you plan to go with this story, and what the purpose of this piece in particular was, since it felt too detached to be part of the main story (more like a prologue used to introduce pieces of the plot). Thanks for mentioning me, and I am looking forward to more.

[Nathrangking]

On 8/2/2019 at 9:32 PM, Ishar said:

Things I thought were good:

  Reveal hidden contents

I was confused but in a good way. I was confused because of how little we know about the plot etc it was confusing enough to make me (as the reader) feel intrigued and want to continue reading. I also thought the part right when the mysterious glasses returned the man his sight was written really well. Usually the scenes are difficult to get right, and this stood out to me.

 

Things I thought could be improved: (I am a naturally critical person, so I notice bad more than I notice good)

  Reveal hidden contents

Syntax:

There were a few punctuation errors I noticed (mainly missing commas), which it sounds like has been corrected. I also thought there were a few times where sentences were ended when it might have been better to continue them.

I know this was mentioned before, but there were way too many adjectives in my opinion. It slowed down my reading, and made it more difficult for me to keep track of what was happening, especially in the beginning.

 

Dialogue:

I thought the dialogue could use a lot of work. Neither of them really spoke like normal people, the woman especially, and while it might make sense for the woman's talking to be abnormal, it was inconsistent (somebody above mentioned the use of "Hell" seeming out of place, that is a spot that I feel is inconsistent). Even people who don't speak normally, speak strangely consistently. The only time this sort of inconsistency makes sense (to me) is when somebody is trying to act/deceive (under a disguise etc), which didn't seem to fit with this scene.

 

Naming:

Another thing that bugged me was the way the woman was referred to, switching between Lil and Mrs. Devlin. First, there are some points where I feel that "she" would make the story flow better. While I felt that it was weird that it kept switching, I mainly felt that referring to her by any name, especially in contrast with the unnamed man, contrasted with the mysterious mood of the story. I think her name could still be introduced with the business card, but I think it would contribute better to the mysterious mood of the story if she was just referred to as "the woman".

 

Emotions:

I feel like the man's emotions tended to be a bit all over the place with not enough transition. For example, when the man first asked the woman why she helped him, and she gave her weird mysterious response, he goes from grateful to angry and annoyed with no transition, and it seems unnatural, and I feel that in general his mood seemed a little bit all over the place.

 

The Dog:

Above it was mentioned that the dog seemed very close with the man, then disappeared. While it seems clear after reading your response that this disappearance was intentional, to me, because the dog was never mentioned again, it feels more like the dog was forgotten by the author. I feel like it might help if you pointed out that his dog was gone, either by the man noticing, or maybe something along the lines of the man being to disoriented to notice.

I also found it strange that the dog wakes up and immediately starts happily barking. It seems weird given the condition of the man who is too weak to stand, and that I don't know of any dogs who wake up and immediately start barking for joy. Also, I find it very strange when the dog starts growling, painfully yipping, and then nothing, and then joyful barking again. Maybe this is intentional, but it doesn't make sense to me (especially since the dog is clearly still there afterwards), and I can't think of any reason why it would make sense (Maybe you did, I don't know, but I still think it should at least be reconsidered).

 

Visual descriptions:

Somebody else also pointed out that the visual descriptions felt weird, especially since the man is blind, I agree, and I feel like it might be better if you say something along the lines of "if the man could see, he would/might have noticed/seen" I think this would work well generally describing the woman, and could be used to make her seem more ominous (if that is what you want).

On a different note, I am very curious as to where you plan to go with this story, and what the purpose of this piece in particular was, since it felt too detached to be part of the main story (more like a prologue used to introduce pieces of the plot). Thanks for mentioning me, and I am looking forward to more.

I'm glad that the mystery is effective as that is part of the aesthetic that I'm going for. Now to unpack the rest. Syntax wise I have made the necessary corrections. The adjective heavy text is necessary for the overall effect that I want to be achieved (More on that shortly).

I'm straddling the line of saying too much however there is a reason for the inconsistent dialogue other than poor writing or an attempt at deception. In fact it is in a way what lies behind other things that you noticed. I keyed in on it in a previous comment.

The naming and the adjective effect are tied together with all of the things that you mentioned especially the dog. Where did it go? What happened with the battle? You picked up on important things. However, the questions that you asked about them don't hit these things hard enough.

Indeed this introduces some primary story pieces while this particular incident is not the most primary piece of the story.

 Follow the thread if you are interested in seeing more as more will come!!

EDIT: @Ishar feel free to vote in this thread's new poll.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Nathrangking

[DrakeMarshall]

Pretty good.

I have no idea what it means, but I don't really expect to at this point. Personally, I appreciate a work that doesn't start with an infodump and just dives in.

 

In terms of feedback, I would maybe streamline / clarify this bit of dialogue:

Quote

 Disdain for the uniqueness of a few is a disease that everyone seems so desperate to cure. I ramble on and bother you with things that you already know.

In context, it isn't very clear what the first sentence means (maybe intentional, maybe not, idk), and the second one just sounds a bit clunky.

In general it had a pretty good writing style and pacing.

Other than that, I would also consider giving a nod to the fact that the main character can't actually see the stuff you are describing, since there are a lot of visual descriptions in there before he starts actually being able to see anything. It's a bit confusing from a reader's perspective.

 

You have a knack for picking interesting premises. This seems somehow oddly metaphysical.

I figure the lady is personification of something more abstract. Although, judging by her fixation with offering deals with vague consequences, her self-declared hatred of liars, and her asking for a seemingly unimportant item of personal significance to the main character, there are also some pretty strong Fair Folk vibes in there.

For one reason or another, reality is clearly out to lunch. It seems most likely that this is due to an unreliable narrator. Although I won't entirely rule out something weirder than that.