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Robinski

Robinski - 190715 - TCC Chapter 03 - 4680 words (L)

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Hi folks,
 
Chapter 3. Usual routine, if you're willing. Any and all comments gratefully accepted. There is 'only' one 'F' word, but I've tagged it anyway.
 
Chapter Recap: - is this helpful? I'll keep doing it anyway :) 
 
01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls;
 
Cheers, Robinski
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Only one "f" word, and a very necessary usage of it at that. :)

Oh and the chapter recap is helpful! 

Phew now this chapter is certainly a tricky one (to critique, and I also imagine it would be tricky to write). Let's see what I can come up with...

What I liked:

-The beginning was really strong to me. Because we're not with our main characters, I was worried the chapter would start of feeling pointless, but this was not the case at all! We get a big burst of conflict right at the start, not for our two protags but for the setting. And the extreme actions taken here are paired well with the subdued, politically correct language in the conversation. What's happening here is pretty horrifying, but it doesn't feel heavy-handed because of all the euphemisms used. Which also has the helpful side effect of making these characters seem even more evil and underhanded. 

-I really appreciated how E and Mor are both, to put it frankly, complete a-holes (are we allowed to swear in these threads? I forget). What's going on here is a lot more subtle than the beginning, so having a couple of strong personalities gave me something to latch onto while trying to piece together corporate politics. And when they interact, it gets even better. The line about dropping him into level 6 and releasing the hounds was absolute perfection. :D 

Suggestions:

-My main challenge with this chapter was just how demanding it was. It's important for all these characters to inform the way I view the setting, since the chars I really care about are Q and M. Because of this, many of the subtler characters with real human compassion/empathy that I would have normally liked felt like they muddled my view of the setting. 

-One of the examples of this is GM's PoV at right after the first scene. I don't fully understand what's going on here (not that I necessarily need to!), which presents a problem in combination with how much subtler her character was than some of the others. I didn't have a clear direction as to what I was supposed to take from that scene, where as Mor's PoV gave me something very clear to latch onto: how much of a a-hole he is. 

-Similarly, I had a difficult time understanding how Ta informed the larger story. She did help me understand the setting better with her work, but the whole "scientist who joins evil corp then feels remorseful" has been done enough that it's hard for me to get a specific view of the character/setting from it, even when it's done through a different lens than usual. Perhaps a bit more on specifics of her being attached to the dinosaurs would help me understand her better? Also, having to keep track of both her and Doctor T was a bit tricky for me, though that could just be my reading comprehension.

Logistical/science questions (aka why I don't write sci-fi):

-What's the point of using hybrid/chimera beasts when androids already exist? I would imagine it would be much more expensive to keep living creatures around, especially if they have to be shipped to/survive on other planets. Using some sort of machine for exploration/labor/combat on other planets seems like it would be more efficient and is probably less of a technological jump from what we have today.

-Why are all those species needed to create a V-raptor? I would imagine it would be easiest to piece together an ancient dinosaur genome by looking at all of its most closely related species that are extant today (meaning all birds), and try to figure out ancestral sequences by comparing genomes while referencing a phylogeny to see how and when DNA sequences changed between species (still sounds like a long shot to me but hey anything's possible in sci-fi). At which point genes from other species with known effects can be engineered in for enhancement. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I think it's something to look at that creating a non-avian dinosaur seems to make sense to E but not to me as the reader. 

-Biotech gets kinda a bad rep in sci-fi as a whole but I'm wondering if there's a reason why it's more profitable for a company to do all this dinosaur and hybrid animal business than it is to make better crops for people to eat, engineer new pets, ect. Is this something that the company is devoting a lot of resources towards, or something that's wildly experimental and off to the side? I couldn't really tell the difference from this chapter, and the latter makes more sense to me than the former. 

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Oh! One important point I forgot to mention.

I paused when I read the line: "E had decided to be bi at university, where she had discovered that women still had to fight for what they wanted using all means at their disposal, even against each other." In a vacuum I think it's clear that the story is making commentary about E rather than queerness, but there are enough homophobes who legitimately think sexuality is a choice/decision that the story might give off the wrong implications here. I'd recommend giving this part another look-over. 

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Other than the sheer number of POVs in this section, I don't have much to critique. Mostly it's just "as I go" comments here. I feel like this section is not much changed from the first time I saw it? E reads better this time around. 

 

That's a lot of very short POVs in very fast sequence. I'm not fully against them (is the security officer's new? I can't remember) because they segue in to E's section well, but it is a lot. I am still not a fan of the politician's POV, but at least it's short and to the point. I appreciate that. 

 Oh, I like the new nanomachine kill collar. That's quite devious and a great combination of ideas. :)

  I did notice the same line as @Ace of Hearts, but it seems very in-character to me, and it's a lot better than how this section used to be, and I feel like it's countered somewhat by E's talking of her genuine feelings for T. So, it's not great, and I'm content to let it lie, but it could probably be better. I'm just not entirely sure how you would rework it. Maybe "she decided to use her bi-ness-ality when she saw yadda yadda...?" "She decided her bi-ness-ality could be weaponized...?" ugh, I don't know. Both of those use "decide" but I hope they also show the presumption that she *is* bi, and her decision is just to use sex to get ahead... but do they work like that? Argh. It's tough. 

 

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From what I remember of last time, this was a fairly solid chapter and I think it's gotten better. The beginning definitely works better and introduces a good air of menace and suspense. Makes a good mystery for how this will connect to Q&M.

Like @Ace of Hearts and @industrialistDragon, I had a problem with the "bi" line. I have a couple suggestions below. I think it does reflect what E would do, but the phrasing needs some work so it doesn't convey the wrong idea.

I really like the hybrids, but @Ace of Hearts does bring up a good point of why this is happening when they already have androids. I assume they could modify the body to be just as dangerous as the hybrids without going through the genetic engineering aspect. Of course this creates problems with the plot, but I assume you can come up with some suitable hand-wavyness for why androids won't work (more expensive, can't program right behaviors, etc...)

Notes while reading:

pg 8: "E had decided to be bi at university, where she had discovered that women still had to fight for what they wanted using all means at their disposal, even against each other."
--Some problems with this sentence. Maybe "E had decided to pursue bi relationships" or "E had decided to let the bi side of her out in university" or something like that. I don't think she decided that she suddenly liked women.

pg 12: "Deep down, she was glad about her decision to reassign T. It would be hard to let go, but it would free her of this compulsive desire."
--There's a lot of these side comments in this area. I think it's good, but even more show rather than tell on E's emotions would increase the tension. In fact, the sentence before this works a lot better than this one.

pg 14: "thousands of miniscule nanomachines carrying a microscopic load of C4X that would rush to meet at the creature’s neck..."
--Life, uh, finds an explosion...

pg 16: "They shared an interest in history that, in the outside world, was declining now that they didn’t teach it in grade school."
--*shudder*

pg 17: The ending has some good tension, but the last line is sort of confusing. Because E distinctly refers to whatever is in the enclosure as a "he" it makes it seem like the last line is referring to him. However, I guessing this is actually referring to a person this creature has killed? In any case, I am confused.

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Hey Ace, thanks so much for reading. I'm pleased there are things working for you here even though we are away from our MCs.

On 17/07/2019 at 0:52 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

many of the subtler characters with real human compassion/empathy that I would have normally liked felt like they muddled my view of the setting

Hmm, this is interesting. So who are we talking about, if might ask just to be sure. T? G?

On 17/07/2019 at 0:52 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

I didn't have a clear direction as to what I was supposed to take from that scene

"scientist who joins evil corp then feels remorseful" has been done enough that it's hard for me to get a specific view of the character/setting from it

Ah, okay, this helps a lot. I see what you mean. I'll take a note to look at character motivation for TT and GM when I run through the chapter against once the critiques are in. I like your suggestion about specificity; it's all the rage these days, for good reason!!

On 17/07/2019 at 0:52 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

What's the point of using hybrid/chimera beasts when androids already exist?

Excellent question and, quite honestly, I did not have an answer until you asked it!! I was hoping that I had put in enough highly specific detail about the hybridisation that the reader would be willing to accept the overarching conceit of the T-F. You have called my bluff, gosh darn you to heck! I can come up with some pseudo-scientific or practical reasons why androids cannot be deployed, and perhaps I should, but I'm reluctant to weigh down the chapter with it. Let's see if anything else mentions it :ph34r: 

On 17/07/2019 at 0:52 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

I would imagine it would be easiest to piece together an ancient dinosaur genome by looking at all of its most closely related species that are extant today (meaning all birds), and try to figure out ancestral sequences by comparing genomes while referencing a phylogeny to see how and when DNA sequences changed between species (still sounds like a long shot to me but hey anything's possible in sci-fi). At which point genes from other species with known effects can be engineered in for enhancement.

<cut> <paste>

Actually, I might just have them find some amber...

On 17/07/2019 at 0:52 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

I'm wondering if there's a reason why it's more profitable for a company to do all this dinosaur and hybrid animal business than it is to make better crops for people to eat, engineer new pets

There's nothing to say that they don't do that as well, although GenX in one offshoot of a group of companies. Whereas GenX does hybridisation, no doubt some other company within the larger group will do crop/food tech stuff. I would think.

Great comments, @Ace of Hearts, thank you. Love to be forced into thinking harder about what I've written :) 

<R>

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On 17/07/2019 at 7:28 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

but there are enough homophobes who legitimately think sexuality is a choice/decision that the story might give off the wrong implications here

Whatever the outcome, I certainly don't get to make a statement like that without proving a much more solid basis for E's position. I need to reconsider this carefully. Imagine how reprehensible it would be for her sole basis for this decision to be the advancement of her career (which is implied). Might there be someone who was sufficiently cold and calculating to do this? Yes. (Recent example of Emma Stone's character in The Favourite.) However, E would need to face the consequences of this somewhere along the line, one would think. I think what I will do is expand the backstory a bit to deal with the problem here where it first appears. Thank you for calling this out.

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Hey ID, really appreciate your comments, as always.

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

is the security officer's new? I can't remember

I believe M's was in there before, but I've revised these first half-dozen chapter 3 or 4 times now: I'm losing track!

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

E reads better this time around.

Very pleased about this. 

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I did notice the same line as @Ace of Hearts, but it seems very in-character to me, and it's a lot better than how this section used to be, and I feel like it's countered somewhat by E's talking of her genuine feelings for T. So, it's not great, and I'm content to let it lie, but it could probably be better. I'm just not entirely sure how you would rework it.

Yeah. I've got a notion for a couple of sentences that call out how E experienced a 'reverse'. I mean, as you say, it's not a secret that she has genuine feelings for T, so there's no reason for me not to call her out (err... you know what I mean). She can still be a badass. And now, having manipulated people in her past using her sexuality, she is experiencing the thinly veiled abuse from M that perhaps she might think she deserves because of what she did to others (well, one prominent person at least) in her past/present.

18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Both of those use "decide" but I hope they also show the presumption that she *is* bi

This is the nub of it. This is what I have to ameliorate.

I'm glad the number of issues with this chapter seems to be reducing!

Thanks so much for reading.

<R>

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Hmmm There were a lot of POVs in this chapter, and in the begining, they switched before I could engage with any of them. However, I got the impression you weren't really trying to make me engage with those characters, just show snippets of things that are happening that will probably affect Q's case. It wasn't until the later part of the chapter, where it finally seemed to zoom in on E, that I felt like I was supposed to actually care about anyone. Still, I'm wondering if you need all the POVs you showed.

There were some gems in G's section, but I also didn't get the sense that it added a whole lot. We find out about the relationship with E in E's POV. We know from a previous POV that some sneaky and probably violent covert operation is going down to the influence the election. I did like G much better than the first section. Of course, if you cut what came before it and started with G, then it would be adding new information. The first section was the one I found least engaging. How much  does G know about why she is getting the call she got? Could she think something that would reveal what the first section reveals? I felt like the one between G and E also overlapped with information given in other sections. Would it be at all possible if it was just G and E? If not, I understand. Other readers might not mind all the POVs. I haven't read what the other's said yet. And since I haven't read the whole book, I don't know that there isn't some crucial piece of information in one of the sections I have suggesting cutting. 

When I  got to E's section, I finally felt like my brain was able to settle into the chapter. She is an interesting character for sure. One I could imagine being a good rival or enemy for Q. 

As I read:

"Increasingly, the human mind was a haven..." I loved G's reflections on tech and it's influences on privacy. 

"were just a deadly." should this be "as deadly" ?

"...cope with names that didn't sound like their own..." the names thing felt like it was going on a little too long

Terj... who is this?

"She wondered if T did, but knew never to ask again" I was getting confused in this section. I felt like I was missing too much to make sense of it.

 

I am guessing the that one of these monsters is going to get out, and that is going to be the thing the politician is going to have to save the people from. 

 

 

 

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On 7/17/2019 at 2:28 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Oh! One important point I forgot to mention.

I paused when I read the line: "E had decided to be bi at university, where she had discovered that women still had to fight for what they wanted using all means at their disposal, even against each other." In a vacuum I think it's clear that the story is making commentary about E rather than queerness, but there are enough homophobes who legitimately think sexuality is a choice/decision that the story might give off the wrong implications here. I'd recommend giving this part another look-over. 

I was thinking this too and forgot to mention it in my notes. 

 

On 7/19/2019 at 11:37 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 17: The ending has some good tension, but the last line is sort of confusing. Because E distinctly refers to whatever is in the enclosure as a "he" it makes it seem like the last line is referring to him. However, I guessing this is actually referring to a person this creature has killed? In any case, I am confused

I share this confusion.

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Hey, thank you for reading.

15 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think it's gotten better. The beginning definitely works better and introduces a good air of menace and suspense. Makes a good mystery for how this will connect to Q&M.

Phew, that's great. There was a general down on this last time, I think, so I'm glad it's coming around.

15 hours ago, Mandamon said:

phrasing needs some work so it doesn't convey the wrong idea.

Yup.

15 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I really like the hybrids, but @Ace of Hearts does bring up a good point of why this is happening when they already have androids. I assume they could modify the body to be just as dangerous as the hybrids without going through the genetic engineering aspect. Of course this creates problems with the plot, but I assume you can come up with some suitable hand-wavyness for why androids won't work (more expensive, can't program right behaviors, etc...)

Yeah. I spend a lot of my professional time justifying technical findings to skeptical people, I've got this covered... somehow or other <waves hand in the air> "These aren't the 'droids you're looking for." :lol: 

On 19/07/2019 at 4:37 PM, Mandamon said:

even more show rather than tell on E's emotions would increase the tension

Check. I'll aim dilute the telling around E's feeling.

On 19/07/2019 at 4:37 PM, Mandamon said:

"They shared an interest in history that, in the outside world, was declining now that they didn’t teach it in grade school."
--*shudder*

Yeah, right? I still don't know where this came from I love is as a passing note about that state of the world.

On 19/07/2019 at 4:37 PM, Mandamon said:

I am confused

Right, I'll need to tackle this. I was trying to reveal a little more to heighten the reader's curiosity about what was in there. I thought it was quite clear that the inhabitant was a 'he'.

Many thanks for the comments! Always appreciated :) 

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Hey SSmooth, great to have your comments, as ever :) 

11 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Hmmm There were a lot of POVs in this chapter, and in the begining, they switched before I could engage with any of them. However, I got the impression you weren't really trying to make me engage with those characters, just show snippets of things that are happening that will probably affect Q's case. It wasn't until the later part of the chapter, where it finally seemed to zoom in on E, that I felt like I was supposed to actually care about anyone. Still, I'm wondering if you need all the POVs you showed.

Okay. Reactions are somewhat mixed on the plethora of POVs. My general take-away is that they're going over better than last time! You're reaction (and analysis) is pretty much spot on.

11 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Would it be at all possible if it was just G and E? If not, I understand. Other readers might not mind all the POVs. I haven't read what the other's said yet. And since I haven't read the whole book, I don't know that there isn't some crucial piece of information in one of the sections I have suggesting cutting.

I'll need to consider if I should dispense with the other POVs and just have G's. It was set up as a trail, but I see your point. It's an interesting notion.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

How much  does G know about why she is getting the call she got? Could she think something that would reveal what the first section reveals? I felt like the one between G and E also overlapped with information given in other sections.

Yeah, that was the point of the trail; each POV overlapping to lead into the E POV, which is the major one of the chapter, obvs.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

When I got to E's section, I finally felt like my brain was able to settle into the chapter. She is an interesting character for sure. One I could imagine being a good rival or enemy for Q.

This is fascinating to me. Satisfying, and fascinating. I'm really interested to see what you make of future chapters, if you stick around for the journey (please stick around for the journey!!).

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I loved G's reflections on tech and it's influences on privacy.

:D 

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

should this be "as deadly" ?

Yup.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

the names thing felt like it was going on a little too long

Noted, and marked for edit.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Terj... who is this?

That's T-a-n-i-a. I can see how that could be unclear from the first mention of Terj. I've tweaked.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I was getting confused in this section. I felt like I was missing too much to make sense of it.

Right. I will have a hard look at this section when I edit, starting in about an hour's time, I think.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I am guessing the that one of these monsters is going to get out, and that is going to be the thing the politician is going to have to save the people from.

I could not possibly confirm or deny your theory. If that were to be the case, all I can hope is that (if I had intended it) you would find it surprising yet inevitable :ph34r: 

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I was thinking this too and forgot to mention it in my notes.

Yup. I'm going to tackle it.

18 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I share this confusion.

Hmm. Okay. I'm torn between just editing the bally thing or, since yous lot are my test audience, just telling you what's what so you can comment on this bit. But I don't want to colour your approach to what follows. So, I'm not going to tell you straight out. @Mandamon contemplated that there was an implication in E's words that the entity in Hab. #10 was a human. Also, the last line implies that there has been a death. I think it's the second that is the problem.

Great comments, greatly appreciated. Thank you! :) 

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1 minute ago, Robinski said:

@Mandamon contemplated that there was an implication in E's words that the entity in Hab. #10 was a human. Also, the last line implies that there has been a death. I think it's the second that is the problem.

I didn't actually think about it being human, just that they were strongly ascribing "he" to another of the monsters, for some reason. I was thinking that meant it was smarter, or had more personality, or something. But yes, I was confused about whether the person killed was a "he" or the thing in the cage was a "he."

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21 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

But yes, I was confused about whether the person killed was a "he" or the thing in the cage was a "he."

Right. Yes, that's what I thought. Okay then...<flexes fingers>

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32 minutes ago, Robinski said:

I'm really interested to see what you make of future chapters, if you stick around for the journey (please stick around for the journey!!).

Of course I'll stick around. Plus, POV thing wouldn't be enough for me to drop the book if it were something I picked up on my own. I'm looking forward to reading more of this! 

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I think switching POVs is interesting, as I'm wondering how all of this laboratory/hybrid stuff is gonna connect back to Q and M. Problem is, this chapter just felt like one continuous stream of info-dumping that made me mentally check out multiple times. Descriptions of office politics and sub-levels of laboratories are doled out with lots of telling, very little showing. Plot-wise, I feel like the only thing really advanced this chapter was that there are dinosaurs (always cool) and that E works in a crummy office. Other than that, the copious amounts of description bogged down the pacing. I would do a fair amount of editing down, and/or saving a lot of the info presented for later, when you are in a better position, narrative-wise, to show it.

(pg. 3)

-We’ve beaten these odds before two weeks out.—Missing comma? 

(pg. 4)

-“It’s government, not business—Added a comma

(pg. 5)

-there was enough computing power in the human worlds—Human worlds? Are there aliens? 

(pg. 6)

-D M sat on his own in the company café, his bento box finished, sipping cranberry-infused water and watching E M's chull as she progressed along the counter towards the pay-point in her nicely-snug business suit trousers.—Pretty good way to establish a slime-ball. Also, curious; have you read any Michael Crichton?

(pg. 8)

-The corridor was silent, but for the barely audible hum of the strip lights.—I'd delete the comma

-E had decided to be bi at university—Couple issues here, which've already been pointed out but I'm gonna harp on anyways. Uno: nobody 'decides' to be bi. Sexuality is not something you pick and choose on a whim. And dos: you established E is willing to use sex to advance her career and that she's sleeping with a married woman. Tread carefully; there are a lot of negative stereotypes of bisexuals out there, and you're creeping towards that sort of portrayal.

(pg. 9)

-Did she shiver just now? Many of them are her creations!—I'd make this its own paragraph, since it's the thoughts of another character than the one who just spoke. 

(pg. 10)

-Wham!—Holy onomatopoeia, Batman! (Sorry, I just really wanted to type that). I'd personally leave out the sound-effects, and just say the creature slammed into the glass.

(pg. 11)

-trying to bite them, trying to eat them.—I'd leave one of these out. 

(pg. 15)

-M was a head office appointment with a roving brief—A what? 

 

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Overall

I think this chapter might have gotten a bit long in the tooth there at the end with the description of all the hybrids. With that said, I loved the T/E interplay so no complaints from me. The tension from the relationship kept me well engaged. I think the ending needs a bit more snap because I'm unsure what the arc of the chapter is, but generally I was quite happy. Love the work you've done on the lesbian/bi set, and the bit of love triangle mixed with power dynamic. That's quintessential lesfic right there. You've got me well hooked!

Re: the bi line - I offered an option below. I think it is in-character from what we know of her thus far, so I'm not super bothered by it, but I do think it needs softening. You've got three f/f pairings here, more or less, so at least one needs to be pretty on the up and up. Representation and all that. But if you want one to use sex to get stuff done, hey, that's variety! Especially if she has Very Secret Feelings going on, too! Lesbian Redemption Arc - also classic lesfic. Hit all the tropes. DO IT.

 

As I go

- pg 5: oh I forgot there were lesbians in this! 

- "mooning over some girl in a suit." Look, this is a deeply relatable line. I feel called out. :P

- pg 6: the number of POV hops is a little much but I'm following okay

- gahhhhh okay shiver at the dyke word, but in character and narrative refuted so yes, carry on. Still. Ick. Mor here well established as... what will the forum let me use. Arse?

- pg 7: Was E always this cut throat? The 'B' word seems harsh. I have no issues with the oral to get ahead but adding in the 'b' word makes her less sympathetic, and I know what's coming...

- pg 8: ohhhh she's having a dalliance with a married woman! THE PLOT THICKENS

- pg 8: I moderately hung on the 'decided to be bi' part, but with the 'b' word dropped earlier, I think it might be consistent with her personality. I think what it might be lacking is adding a "And that was how she knew what she felt for T was real, and maybe she wasn't actually just pretending the whole bi thing." To soften it just a bit

- pg 11: I'd put 'friend' in quotes because she's already admitted to herself that this woman is more than a friend

- pg 12: The unspoken addition: T is into E because Lesbian Power Dynamic is a real thing

- hmm. The ending seems to lack a finish

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Hey JW, really appreciate the comments.

On 22/07/2019 at 3:12 AM, JWerner said:

-there was enough computing power in the human worlds—Human worlds? Are there aliens?

No, just multiple human ones, so it's in the sense of there are human worlds, and un-settled (or unsettle-able) worlds.

On 22/07/2019 at 3:12 AM, JWerner said:

have you read any Michael Crichton?

Nope, only seen the movies, which I appreciate doesn't count!

On 22/07/2019 at 3:12 AM, JWerner said:

-Wham!—Holy onomatopoeia, Batman!

Yeah, this is not my style at all. I've reworded to 'Thumping into the glass...'

On 22/07/2019 at 3:12 AM, JWerner said:

-M was a head office appointment with a roving brief—A what?

So, head office appointed him... Is it the roving brief bit that's the problem?

I've accepted all the grammar stuff: happy enough with that, thanks.

On the telling, yeah. I can tackle that.

Great comments, thanks JW

:) 

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Thanks so much for reading, Kais.

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

The tension from the relationship kept me well engaged.

That's good. The hybrid stuff has always been there. As I'm doing with all the chapters as I go along here, once all the comments are in, I'm editing for those, but also looking to cut down and streamline, essentially just reduce word count.

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

I think the ending needs a bit more snap because I'm unsure what the arc of the chapter is

Right. Most likely this is because there really isn't one, which is one of my failings, of course. I have some golden rules pinned above my desk and one of them is 'Chapter Arc'. I'll need to overwrite it in Red Sharpie. I will think hard about arc and try to punch the end up a bit.

Actually, thinking about that now, the arc really is over two chapters (and two POVs) as you'll see next week.

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

Love the work you've done on the lesbian/bi set, and the bit of love triangle mixed with power dynamic. That's quintessential lesfic right there. You've got me well hooked!

I would never have contemplated something like this 4 years ago (I don't think). I love this freaking place :D 

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

I'm not super bothered by it, but I do think it needs softening.

Yeah, I think I've done this. It has more depth and it doesn't say 'bi' at all now, which was far too tell-y, just refers to her using sex (on everyone).

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

Look, this is a deeply relatable line. I feel called out.

:lol: 

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

gahhhhh okay shiver at the d--- word, but in character and narrative refuted so yes, carry on

Phew <mops brow, carries on>

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

Was E always this cut throat? The 'B' word seems harsh.

Agreed. I've cut it. I love that's it's so much easier to make there calls when you've actually finished the story :) 

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

To soften it just a bit

Yeah, I've done that. It's a bit deeper too, plus better. Thanks.

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

I'd put 'friend' in quotes because she's already admitted to herself that this woman is more than a friend

Hmm. I went to do that, but it looked kinda fake, like it diminished E's opinion of their relationship. She considers T a friend too. Lover is rather too blatant, I think.

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

The unspoken addition

How do you mean? Which bit?

On 23/07/2019 at 4:45 AM, kais said:

The ending seems to lack a finish

I'll take another crack at it in my read through, which I am going onto now.

Great comments. Thanks so much.

:) 

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On 8/1/2019 at 11:17 AM, Robinski said:

How do you mean? Which bit?

I was being goofy. You've set up a quintessential power dynamic, which is like the backbone of lesbian romance fiction. I was just calling it out in the narrative because A) hot and B.) HOT

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15 hours ago, kais said:

A) hot and B.) HOT

:lol: 

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