Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Robinski

Robinski - 190708 - TCC Chapter 02 - 4542 words (LSr)

15 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hi folks,
 
Chapter 2. Same routine, if you're willing. Any and all comments gratefully accepted.
 
Chapter Recap: - is this helpful? I'll do it anyway.
 
01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art;
 
 
Cheers, Robinski
Edited by Robinski
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Pretty much the same reaction for me on this one as last time I read. There's two main problems which are:
1) the other jobs sound cooler than the one for this book, and it's sort of a letdown. I really want them to go to Mars or the Swedish ladies cricket team.
2) They're wandering around bored for half of chapter 2. At this point, they should be gearing up for adventure and getting us back into the old Q&M banter. Some of the banter is there, but there's not enough plot to hold my attention yet. 

I think this chapter could be cut down by at least a third, or joined up with another chapter.


Notes while reading:
pg 2: "coffee, black", "black bob"
--some repetition

pg 3: "age 33"
--huh, I always picture him as a little older.

pg 3: Not really enamored of the recap paragraph of the last book. I'd prefer it to be peppered into dialogue or something. This is witty, so that helps, but my mind still wanders while reading through it.

pg 4: "It was almost comforting, especially now he wasn’t dangling two thousand metres above the lunar surface on the end of the android’s arm."
--this sort of thing is a lot better for the recap.

pg 4: "as if testing for rain"
--lol

pg 5: I think the upside-down text lends too much complexity to this. We're already trying to figure out what the job is, and now we have to turn the page around. Just say that Q read upside-down.

pg 7: "I’m pleased you know where that is"
--lol
pg 7: "“Comic effect would be maximised by referring to Uranus,” offered S. 
--and even better...

pg 8: I'm still of the mind that listing all these other jobs is sort of pulling the chair out from under you. My mind can come up with hijinks that might be more interesting that this story, if you give the prompts, so unless they are going to be future stories, it might be better to resist giving the reader that ammo against you.

pg 10: "That leaves boring old Rowland."
--this does not help your case against all those other cool contracts...

pg 10: "to the grizzled, serious man"
--why is this in italics?

pg 10: "They would wait in C to meet R and decide whether to take his job, repatriate his package and move on."
--I'm wondering if anything after this point in the chapter adds to the story? This seems like a good point to break.

pg 15: Ah yes, I do love the Shakespeare banter, but I'm still not sure it adds anything to the chapter.

pg 16: Hmmm...I keep to my earlier analysis. Except for the stinger at the end, which is good, nothing between pg 10 and 15 really does anything for me. It's a bunch of waiting around, and this early in the story, I want to be drawn in by every detail. Is there any reason to show us the time between Q&M accepting the job and going to meet up with R?


 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, thanks so much for reading :) 

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

Pretty much the same reaction for me on this one as last time I read. There's two main problems which are:
1) the other jobs sound cooler than the one for this book, and it's sort of a letdown. I really want them to go to Mars or the Swedish ladies cricket team.

Yeah, I'm going try having M naysay each case as it comes up, for some reason or other.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

2) They're wandering around bored for half of chapter 2. At this point, they should be gearing up for adventure and getting us back into the old Q&M banter. Some of the banter is there, but there's not enough plot to hold my attention yet.

Yup. I've had another go at this portion, with a mind for cutting down, but also turning the banter up a bit.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "coffee, black", "black bob"
--some repetition

Fixed.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: Not really enamored of the recap paragraph of the last book. I'd prefer it to be peppered into dialogue or something. This is witty, so that helps, but my mind still wanders while reading through it.

Flagged for my next full read through. I'll wield the scalpel.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: I think the upside-down text lends too much complexity to this. We're already trying to figure out what the job is, and now we have to turn the page around. Just say that Q read upside-down.

Yeah. I imagine this will be roundly hated by everyone. I rotated it back. Sometimes I go off on a wee Word excursion, just 'cause I like tinkering with how things function.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: I'm still of the mind that listing all these other jobs is sort of pulling the chair out from under you. My mind can come up with hijinks that might be more interesting that this story, if you give the prompts, so unless they are going to be future stories, it might be better to resist giving the reader that ammo against you.

I've included more active discussion of the options (basically through editing, not word count), having them argue (hence upping the banter quotient). I think it words better. Thanks!

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "That leaves boring old Rowland."
--this does not help your case against all those other cool contracts...

Heh, yes, quite... If I'm going down the road of M nixing the other cases (because Q would have too much fun on those) then I will change this line.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "to the grizzled, serious man"
--why is this in italics?

No clue. Thanks for the spot.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "They would wait in C to meet R and decide whether to take his job, repatriate his package and move on."
--I'm wondering if anything after this point in the chapter adds to the story? This seems like a good point to break.

pg 15: Ah yes, I do love the Shakespeare banter, but I'm still not sure it adds anything to the chapter.

Yeah, argh. I've marked this section forward to chapter end for heavy pruning, but will retain some of it, I think.

On 08/07/2019 at 7:29 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 16: Hmmm...I keep to my earlier analysis. Except for the stinger at the end, which is good, nothing between pg 10 and 15 really does anything for me. It's a bunch of waiting around, and this early in the story, I want to be drawn in by every detail. Is there any reason to show us the time between Q&M accepting the job and going to meet up with R?

No really good reason. As noted above, I'll try a heavy edit of this 5+ pages and see how it goes.

Great comments, thank you so much, Man. :) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, it’s nice reading about Q. and M. again. Despite the flaws I really enjoyed the previous submissions. For this chapter I have to agree with Mandamon. The banter between Q. and M. is good, but most of the chapter is them not doing anything. And when it comes to them going through the available jobs every other job sounds more interesting than the one they are going to take.

R job: Doesn’t sound to interesting for the reader, or for Q. and M., and they say so themselves. Knowing what I know from the previous times I read your submissions I know there’s more to the job than R. is letting on, but maybe a bit more of that should show through the request rather than it being a standard ‘fetch quest’. Or have it make more sense for them to take an easy task as a sort of holiday.

Library job: I like that Q. accepts the library job, because he doesn’t think the R. job will take a lot of time and it makes sense to take that job instead. I don’t think that was in the last submission I read and I really like this addition.

Maybe the library job can actually help sell the R. job as well. So, if they accept the library job, and that jobs requires them to be in Europe in 10 days, then they have some time to kill (maybe the timeframe can be a bit larger?). I can imagine that after the last book they would have had to take some time to recover, so taking another break would not be good for business. That could prompt them to take the R. job to kill time and make some easy money locally, not knowing it’s going to lead them into trouble.

Father-in-law (1): One the one hand the ending of the chapter is a zinger to get us interested in an otherwise easy sounding job Q. and M. and have just taken, but personally it doesn’t work for me. It reads a lot like a PI novel where the main character is stuck on a case, but the bad guys make a move to take the PI out, thus revealing something to the PI that helps move the plot along. In this case, if the father-in-law hadn’t called, Q.’s interest wouldn’t have been piqued, and if something were to happen to R. it’s likely Q. would have just dropped the case. Instead, because of that phone call, Q. is committed to it.

It’s like you’re trying to force Q. and M. to take the case, and stick to the case, because the plot requires it even though it doesn’t make sense for them to do so.

Father-in-law(2): The fact that the father-in-law knows Q. accepted the job so quickly shows that the man has power and connections, but it feels a little convenient that not five minutes after Q. spoke to R. he already knows and calls personally.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ahem. Forgive me for my delayed critique.

This was for the most part well-written (barring a few mechanical bugs) but kinda slow story-wise. Q and M don't do much but sit around talking and seeing the sights. The pacing could use a jump-start, and I definitely agree with the notion that it would be better served cut-down and combined with another chapter. There's also a fair amount of re-capping info the reader would already know. Though there's nothing necessarily catastrophic here, I just think it could use some tidying up.

Notes: 

(pg. 4)

-M's latest model s® had replaced the wrecked original, E, the remains of which probably were now buried in moon dust.—I'm afraid I'm going to have to toss the advice you gave me back your way and ask that you avoid uncertain language. Are the remains buried in moon dust or are they not? If he did not actually see it buried, please say so.

-Again Q wondered that he had ended up with a fourteen-year-old ex-convent orphan as his sole employee (androids not being on payroll)—The 'again' is partially in italics. Is that on purpose? Also, why is he wondering? The phrasing is confusing.

-I wouldn't recap the last book/story. That's something I only ever see in children's books.

(pg. 5)

-damnation. Q’s hand was shaking.—This feels like it ought to be the start of its own paragraph. 

-We need to make tracks, remember? Calgary tomorrow; Friday, Toronto; Cayambe by Saturday; six days to Geostation One and home to Aldiss Station.” —Expository. Could maybe instead, she could show him some kind of schedule he could read? I just feel like conveying this info via dialogue feels a bit awkward. 

(pg. 5-6)

-M held out her hands palms up as if testing for rain, her shoulders hunched, lightly-shadowed eyes wide.—Again, no hyphens after 'ly' adverbs.

(pg. 6)

-Q watched as M read R’s message, tucking her nearly-black, bobbed hair behind her right ear in that way she did when she was concentrating.—You already mentioned that her hair was bobbed. 

-The hair fell out almost immediately, in that way it did because it was hair, and it didn’t give a rust, because it was dead already.—I think this gives the hair a bit too much personality for its own good. This read as silly to me. 

—What does 'up some lost property' mean? 

(pg. 7)

-M was open about her nature, not like J with her creeping insinuations and evil duplicity.—I think 'evil' is a bit much. 

-M continued to press him on the subject of his ex-wife, but now he countered by asking why they called her M.—I can't tell if this is happening now, or if it's a recollection.

(pg. 8)

-The girl just scowled and the android clearly deduced that silence was preferable.—Corrected typo

(pg. 9)

—'DP'. Heh heh. 

-In the beginning he had counted the seemingly countless days until he would be shot of M, now his emotions were less clear cut, dammit.—Shot? What? You mean 'rid'?

(pg. 11)

-The call failed to find R on his handset, and so Q went in search of him through the man’s contact list.—Added a comma and Q's name for flow's sake. 

-Q confessed to the grizzled, serious man...—Why is this in italics?

(pg. 12)

-The presence provided some entertainment for the locals it seemed.—Got some more uncertain language here. Would you be willing to change it? 

-Clouds darkened the clear...—Corrected typo and refrained from making a bad Final Fantasy joke. 

-Q amused himself by arguing affably against whatever policy was thrust in his face for the simple joy of being perverse, until the cutting wind or M tugging on his arm persuaded him it was time to move on.—I think 'contrary' would work better than 'perverse.'

-The contract tied M to him until she was twenty-one.—You already said this. 

-Still, he needn’t reveal that to M.—'Reveal' I think is a bit too dramatic. It's not a secret, it's a frame of mind he finds embarrassing. 

(pg. 13)

-Q felt warm satisfaction spread through his mind like an intellectual orgasm—That does not sound like an orgasm. And I think that's too big of a reaction to figuring out a work schedule. 

-Casual cruelty came so easily to the girl.—How is smiling cruel? 

-Perhaps a bit much for a casual meeting, but the poor girl didn’t deserve M’s thinly-veiled scorn.—There's not enough detail regarding M's behavior to make me interpret it the same way Q is. 

(pg. 14)

-T departed—This is missing either a period or an 'and'

(pg. 15)

-“Q is quite entitled to inquire, as a dutiful guardian,” said E—Replaced period with comma. 

-Q blew out his cheeks, preparing for battle—Added a comma

 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I don't have a whole lot to add to this that @Mandamon and @Asmodemon haven't already. I can tell that it's improved from the last time I saw it, but the I feel like core issues I noticed about the chapter remain. The jobs not taken still sound more interesting than the one he does pick up and it is awfully convenient that the call happens when it does.

I don't think the entirety of the "killing time in town" scenes need to go, because I think they add a nice bit of characterization and plot summary, however, they do go on a bit long and would probably benefit from some trimming or condensing. 

Sorry I don't have more here. 

 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 7/8/2019 at 2:29 PM, Mandamon said:

1) the other jobs sound cooler than the one for this book, and it's sort of a letdown. I really want them to go to Mars or the Swedish ladies cricket team.
2) They're wandering around bored for half of chapter 2. At this point, they should be gearing up for adventure and getting us back into the old Q&M banter. Some of the banter is there, but there's not enough plot to hold my attention yet. 

I think this chapter could be cut down by at least a third, or joined up with another chapter.

I feel the same was about this. While the first chapter had plenty to hold my attention, I had a harder time engaging with this one.

Deciding on the case felt drawn out and I wasn't quite understanding why Q picked the one he did. 

As someone who didn't read book 1, I appreciated getting filled on the details of how Q and M came together, but it almost felt like too much all at once, especially since it was in such a quiet chapter. 

There seemed to be a lot of writing dedicated to the local politics. I got bored with it, but if it is something important that comes up later, I understand its necessity. 

I enjoyed Q's voice and interactions with M, but there was a lack of tension in this chapter. 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, really glad to have your eyes on this. I've missed your comments :) 

On 14/07/2019 at 3:01 PM, Asmodemon said:

R job: Doesn’t sound to interesting for the reader, or for Q. and M., and they say so themselves. Knowing what I know from the previous times I read your submissions I know there’s more to the job than R. is letting on, but maybe a bit more of that should show through the request rather than it being a standard ‘fetch quest’. Or have it make more sense for them to take an easy task as a sort of holiday.

Yeah, problem this. I've ramped up the BR job a bit by making it more mysterious (I think), and introduced problems with taking most of the other jobs. I'm glad them taking the Berlin job works for you. It's even more positive still after some further edits.

On 14/07/2019 at 3:01 PM, Asmodemon said:

then they have some time to kill

I've leaned into this a bit more.

On 14/07/2019 at 3:01 PM, Asmodemon said:

It reads a lot like a PI novel where the main character is stuck on a case, but the bad guys make a move to take the PI out, thus revealing something to the PI that helps move the plot along.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've tweaked the end scene a bit, putting the motivation and initiative much more into Q's hands, and with a new joke embedded the end.

Great comments. Thank you! 5d317ef122fdc_thumbs-upsmall.jpg.f82af36e68c08cffabaf5f8b783e4c75.jpg

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

Ahem. Forgive me for my delayed critique.

NO problem, AT ALL! (Ahem, just need to look at my record most weeks and you'll see you are not the worst offender nay a long chalk!)

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

Though there's nothing necessarily catastrophic here, I just think it could use some tidying up.

Yeah, I've been battling this issue for three or four edits now. I'm still reluctant to rip the chapter in half (metaphorically), but I've wielded the knife again and cuts the offending stuff back harder.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

I'm afraid I'm going to have to toss the advice you gave me back your way and ask that you avoid uncertain language.

Hey nothing to apologise for!! Hoist by my own petard, etc. No, this is good, thanks. I think 'must now be covered' is more certain, but allows for the fact that he does not actually know.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

I wouldn't recap the last book/story.

I feel there is some worthwhile stuff in there but I have cut down fairly hard, looking to try and ensure it's saying something about this story, and basically is no longer a recap.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

This feels like it ought to be the start of its own paragraph. 

Agree.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

Again, no hyphens after 'ly' adverbs.

I'm obliged to you for this from last time. I can see it now.

I've just done a search a replace for relevant instances.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

What does 'up some lost property' mean?

Typo. 

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

I just feel like conveying this info via dialogue feels a bit awkward.

I've adjusted this.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

I think 'evil' is a bit much.

I thought so too when I was going through Mandamon's comments. It's already gone :) 

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

I can't tell if this is happening now, or if it's a recollection.

Rephrased.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

Shot? What? You mean 'rid'?

Is being shot of someone or something just a UK expression? If so, I can go to 'rid'. In fact, I think I like 'rid' better anyway: I think it's actually harsher.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

The call failed to find R on his handset, and so Q went in search of him through the man’s contact list

Ah, this in unclear. It's actually the phone-call that is tracking the person down. It's mean to be spooky AI sort of 'feature'. I'll add 'the call'.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

Why is this in italics?

Yeah, total typo, thanks :) 

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

provided some entertainment for the locals

This line got cut in the purge of local colour.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

I think 'contrary' would work better than 'perverse.'

Agree! Unfortunately I cut that line in trying to streamline the chapter. :unsure: 

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

And I think that's too big of a reaction to figuring out a work schedule.

It's gone. It's reassuring to see that quite a few of the troublesome lines are being culled in the tightening up of the chapter. Cool beans :) 

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

How is smiling cruel?

I've clarified that it M's reaction was ironic, and also used the 'mockery' instead of cruelty.

On 14/07/2019 at 6:49 PM, JWerner said:

blew out his cheeks, preparing for battle—Added a comma

Much obliged for this and all the other mechanical stuff.

Thanks JW--excellent comments. Definitely have helped to tighten things up :) 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 14/07/2019 at 11:53 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I don't have a whole lot to add to this that @Mandamon and @Asmodemon haven't already. I can tell that it's improved from the last time I saw it, but the I feel like core issues I noticed about the chapter remain. The jobs not taken still sound more interesting than the one he does pick up and it is awfully convenient that the call happens when it does.

I've tried to tackle these things. I think it's better again. The big thing, I think, is that Q takes the Berlin job, and the R job to will in the time. I've edited the call, and given Q much more initiative, which I think improves that too. I still want to convey the creepiness of T.O.M. knowing too well what Q's doing.

On 14/07/2019 at 11:53 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I don't think the entirety of the "killing time in town" scenes need to go, because I think they add a nice bit of characterization and plot summary, however, they do go on a bit long and would probably benefit from some trimming or condensing.

Good! They are still there, but I've hacked into them again to prune them down, but retain the essence and almost all of the character notes (I trust)

On 14/07/2019 at 11:53 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Sorry I don't have more here. 

Not at all. You've given me reassurance that the town stuff has merit while also confirming the bits that are still 'festering'. Very helpful :) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 15/07/2019 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

While the first chapter had plenty to hold my attention, I had a harder time engaging with this one.

Hey, SSmooth, thank you for reading. Fair comment, I'm hoping I've addressed the concerns and it's better again.

On 15/07/2019 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Deciding on the case felt drawn out and I wasn't quite understanding why Q picked the one he did.

I'm hoping now that he picks Berlin and R's job as filler, that the job review scene works better. Also, I've added compelling reasons for dismissing almost all the other cases.

On 15/07/2019 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

As someone who didn't read book 1, I appreciated getting filled on the details of how Q and M came together, but it almost felt like too much all at once, especially since it was in such a quiet chapter.

I've trimmed the recap down, so hopefully it's less intrusive, and disguised as something else. I'm glad you found the info useful.

On 15/07/2019 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

There seemed to be a lot of writing dedicated to the local politics. I got bored with it, but if it is something important that comes up later, I understand its necessity.

There's enough in other places. I've trimmed it in this chapter, but there's still some there.

On 15/07/2019 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I enjoyed Q's voice and interactions with M, but there was a lack of tension in this chapter.

Yeah, it's both sequel to the last chapter, and also scene setting, so it's a double whammy of water treading. All the comments have helped me make cuts, refinements and distilling into what I think is more effective. Tension though, is an uphill struggle in this chapter. Hopefully better in the next, and the next after that :) 

Thanks again!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As always I assume, better late than never

Overall

The pacing is much improved in this rewrite, though I feel at the expense of characterization. M and Q don't leap off the page as much in this version, and Q seems a lot more bitter than usual. He's very down on M, who doesn't get much of a chance to shine.

Pacing wise I thought this was great atmosphere and set up and have zero issues with it. I'm engaged in the story would happily keep reading in a book store. I do miss M, in particular, but only because I know what she is capable of. I also miss our man-flirting Q, because that was always hilarious!

On 7/14/2019 at 7:01 AM, Asmodemon said:

And when it comes to them going through the available jobs every other job sounds more interesting than the one they are going to take.

I remember this issue last time. I think it's better now, but still there. I understand why they're not taking the other jobs, but that doesn't stop me from wanting them to.

 

As I go

- pg 3: I feel like Q's note on the android's body was a missed opportunity for some Q homoeroticism stray thoughts

- hahahaha he's finding lost dogs. EXCELLENT!

- pg 10 Q's pretty hot under the collar in this section. With the 'crazy' remark he's really been kind of rough with M for new readers. I think she might need to hard core fire back to even things up

- pg 11: Honduras cellulose worm Oh. My. God. I love it

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, kais said:

As always I assume, better late than never

Always, always, always, always, always.

19 hours ago, kais said:

though I feel at the expense of characterization. M and Q don't leap off the page as much in this version, and Q seems a lot more bitter than usual. He's very down on M

Oooh, hrrm. Unintended consequence. I'll get onto that. I can soften it a bit, our permit Moth a tactical counterstrike or two.

On 23/07/2019 at 0:54 AM, kais said:

I think it's better now, but still there.

I've tweaked this slightly, emphasising their new no-domes policy, for example, and also definitively taking on the Berlin job on the basis that Row's will be quick.

On 23/07/2019 at 0:54 AM, kais said:

Honduras cellulose worm Oh. My. God. I love it

Ha, well you know where that came from ;) 

Many thanks for reading!!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I'm so behind! Just got done with my busiest month of the year at work, though, so I should be caught up by Sat and then moving forward at a much quicker pace!

My line-by-line are of course in the shared document, but most of my issue with the chapter have been addressed already, especially the aimless wandering.

I get that this is a second book, but I'm 30 pages in and I don't feel like the book has even started yet.

I also want to draw special attention to the fact that Q and M have very similar dialogue. I don't think there's nearly enough disparity between them, though they both THINK a lot about how different they are. They both use similar vernacular and real world slang, some of which would be long out dated by the time this story takes place. I want to feel just how big of a generation gap there is between them. These characters are supposed to compliment each other, but they are also supposed to foil each other, and the foil isn't coming across very clearly. I hate the line "show, don't tell" but I feel like the differences between the characters are being told to me rather than shown.

Edited by hawkedup
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

On 26/07/2019 at 5:03 AM, hawkedup said:

I get that this is a second book, but I'm 30 pages in and I don't feel like the book has even started yet.

That's fair, because really it hasn't. I know it's an issue. I'm playing through two sets of set-up with Q and M, and again with E and T, which clearly is not ideal. I've been called on this before with this story, and it's better than it used to be. I'm just keeping it in mind and hoping to entertain enough with each chapter as things hot up (a bit).

On 26/07/2019 at 5:03 AM, hawkedup said:

I also want to draw special attention to the fact that Q and M have very similar dialogue. I don't think there's nearly enough disparity between them, though they both THINK a lot about how different they are. They both use similar vernacular and real world slang, some of which would be long out dated by the time this story takes place. I want to feel just how big of a generation gap there is between them. These characters are supposed to compliment each other, but they are also supposed to foil each other, and the foil isn't coming across very clearly. I hate the line "show, don't tell" but I feel like the differences between the characters are being told to me rather than shown.

Yeah, more than one person has said that Q's voice is not quite what it was in the first book. I'm going to have to address this. Thanks for flagging, thanks for the line comments, and thank you for reading! :) 

Edited by Robinski
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.