My first time making a fantasy world. Critique wanted!

[Nohadon]

Hey, so A friend and I are making a fantasy world and setting short stories in, we've made a wordlbuilding document, and I'd love some ideas on how to expand it. Here's the main world building document (Lots of this will appear in the prologue of all the short stories)

Spoiler

Worldbuilding Doc

 

 

 

 

[map space]

 

 

 

Welcome to the world of Dariel. There are four major continents and one island, each with their own cultures, beliefs, inventions, ideologies and religions.

They are all at war, They have been for the past four hundred years.

 

The arcanocracy of Urial is the first nation-continent you will come across. Magic is everywhere on the smallest continent out of the four. The creatures have evolved from thousands of years worth of exposure to it, as have the people. Sorcery and Arcane arts are commonplace in Urial (unlike its rarity in all other continents, or the belief that it's an unholy art, such as in the nation of Tavarean) and is a something practised by every Urian inhabitant there, trinkets and magical items are made for both mundane and extraordinary tasks, from cooking and hunting to war and politics. 

 

The largest continent of the four is called Selandaren. It is split into two nations, tied together in a shaky alliance against the rest of the world. The first is the Theocracy of Tavarean, a highly religious, warmongering nation that is on a holy crusade to exterminate the evil magic in Urial, burning towns and cities to the ground and salting the earth in order to do so. While Tavarean has the largest, most merciless military, this is purely because of their deep pockets, being situated directly over an incredibly large gold reserve which they export to other nations across the world at exorbitant prices. A merchant capital as well as a religious one.

The second nation on this Selandaren is called SjinYo. The people there are called Sjin, who contrast their neighbouring nation greatly. It is a country of art, culture and food, it undoubtedly has the smallest military out of every nation, but just as undoubtedly is this military's prowess and experience in combat. One Sjin elite is rumoured to be able to storm a Lariat stronghold single handedly and take it down on his own.

The third continent is called Exsquar, it only has one nation and is just slightly smaller than Selandaren, with its frigid winters in the north and scorching deserts in the south, the inhospitable climate has created the toughest people in all of Dariel. The population is nomadic, there is no singular location for any of their cities. But each moves often, making it incredibly difficult to invade due to the fact that no one can actually find where the people are in enough time to move troops to them. While the Exsquarian population feel like the war is unnecessary, they cannot forget what they believe is the reason the war began, which was the attempted invasion by the Tavarean people.

The fourth continent is the empire of Lariat, middling in continent in size. A Larian likes to think of themselves as the most civilised people in all of Dariel, they do this while amusing themselves with slave fights to the death. In a country where the upper-class aristocracy live lives of opulence and extreme comfort while everyone else starves in hovels and slums. The empress is too young to see the fact that her own people are starving and is too worried about all the factions in the court who might be trying to manipulate her into doing their bidding. That being said, their military is well trained, well fed and well equipped, as well as large enough to be able to set up strongholds and keeps in the land they take from other nations. The empire was not built to be self-sustaining, so they suck the wealth and resources from the other nations like leeches to a fresh cut, engorging themselves on whatever they can pillage from other nations.

The island of Orali is split into three tribes. Each of them very similar in strength, skill and culture, this is due to how unique its climate is. The swampland that covers eighty percent of the continent makes travelling by foot nearly impossible, as a result, the people of the three tribes (Yiridi, Vex and Selkii) each decided to rely on human invention and creativity. Creating things like the first longboat thousands of years ago, to just discovering how to harness gunpowder into explosives. Their technological advancement in comparison to the rest of the world is the only reason they have proven to be indomitable by other nations. They don't need to have a standard military because of how difficult it is to invade through the thick swamplands and the advanced use of traps that each tribe uses, paired along with their incredible efficiency when it comes to espionage and assassination, each tribe is a force to be reckoned with.

 

And here is the one continent and short story I have planned out, set in the continent of Urial.

Spoiler

Deeper Worldbuilding - Money, Districts, Cities and Towns.

The currency used in Urial are small coins called Stareyes (or just ‘Stars’), made of metal and imbued with a small amount of magical energy by the master artificer. The smallest denomination of money is a Copper Star, the largest is an Orichalchum Star. The only reason the money can be spent at most stores is because of the spark of magic it has inside of it. Copper holds that spark the shortest amount of time, Orichalchum holds it the longest. Each denomination is about 10 times more valuable than the last, because it lasts about 10 times longer before it has to be refilled. Each coin is stamped with a picture of a staff which has the acane specialisations on one side, on the other is the image of whoever holds the title of master artificer, the best imbuer currently alive.

 

The capital of Urial is Uriu, a bustling city containing the seat of the arcanocracy, the ruling government of Urial, the main government building isn’t flashy or opulent, it’s instead a small, squat building off to the side of the central market, right next to the supreme courthouse, where the assembled high mages meet when called. It is also the home of the headquarters of each mage specialisation, the Attackers arena, Imbuer’s  forge, Tamer’s park, Psykiker’s bunker and Miracler’s hospital. The main two monuments in Urial are also here, they serve as tourist attractions as well as areas for the most skilled and experienced mages to heighten their abilities and pursue more complex magic, they are the Atheneum,  or the ‘Arcane Library,’ that contains tomes and secrets, thousands of books all collected in one building. The second monument is called Elderwood Needle. A spire that rises through the clouds and is a mecca for combat mages and fighters alike, with each floor containing more skilled fighters than the last.

 

There are four smaller cities in Urial, named Rien, Galfray, Sayar and Eiree. Each town having their own inhabitants, culture, trade and tariffs between them. They are almost autonomous in comparison with the rest of the nation. The rest of the nation is lush green countryside, with magical forests, meadows and greenery blending in with the small, sleepy towns that dot the landscape.

 

Magic system - Arcane Arts [NOT THE ACTUAL NAME. JUST A PLACEHOLDER FOR NOW]

Enchantment based system, certain hand signs, symbols and words contain power that can be used by a mage or imbued into objects that can be used by anyone, in Urial, magic is used by nearly everyone, with about 90 out of every hundred people being born with some magical ability, whereas for the rest of the world, it's more like one of every ten thousand people. People born in Urial or from Uriali parents have diluted magic in comparison to those born outside of it. While lower level magic is commonly used in all of Urial, it being part of regular schooling and basic training, it is used in most professions, as is magical items to help improve the quality of life. If people wish to pursue higher knowledge of the arcane arts, they must pick at least one of the five specialisations to study. They are:

An Attacker, or battle mage, they use offensive and defensive spells in combat, learning how to channel the elements, shore up barriers and fight with their magic as a unique edge in combat, as well as use magical weapons effectively.

    An Imbuer, or arcane smith, they imbue magical energy into objects, giving them certain abilities that can be accessed by anyone.

    A Tamer, or beastmaster, they form magical bonds with familiars that grant unique abilities to both, commonly the ability to see through their partner, as well as understand and communicate with them. Sometimes tamers can shapeshift into their familiar, among other unique abilities.

    A Psykiker, or mindreader, they communicate telepathically with others, as well as can cause hallucinations, false memories, track people and so much more, they are the most precise but are incredibly powerful when mastered.

    A Miracler, or healer, they can create natural phenomena as well as heal people magically, cuts shrink and bleeding stops when an adept mage is practicing it.

Different materials interact with Magic strangely.

    Materials that came from life (wool, leather, etc) are harder to imbue, but free up the body and allow it to cast it more freely, while materials like bone are resistant to metals.

Gold is easier to imbue, and is an arcane metal, along with Palladium and Orichalchum, while gold is the most common the other two are much more powerful, meanwhile, Cobalt, Mithral and Adamantine block magic and are impossible to imbue, each with varying degrees of effectiveness.

Sometimes, due to how uncommon magic is in the rest of the world, people born outside of Urial might not fall into a category of mage, these are called Specialist mages and are even rarer then normal mages found outside of Urial, they have strange supernatural abilities, and each one is unique, and dangerous.

 

 

Now here is the story planning:

Plot: A group of thieving mages, each trained from childhood together, pulling off heists and gaining knowledge of magic as they go along, cat and mouse style with the head arbiter of the Arbiter Corps trying to track them down.

 

Characters:

Tallas Cav holds the rank of Lead Detective in the Arbiter Corps is getting older, he’s in his mid fifties with greying hair and a scuffed beard. His face has a telltale scar that runs directly under his eyes  and across the bridge of his nose as a thin, jagged line, as well as burn marks over his chest. The tell-tale signs of being captured by a Tavarean raiding party. He’d been in the arbiters for nineteen years, joining it after receiving three wings of valour from the Urian military, He’s primarily an Attacker, but has studied Psykiker, Miracler and Tamer to at least initiate levels. He is blunt, and doesn’t enjoy working with others, but he is effective and has been offered the rank of Head Arbiter more than any other Arbiter in history, but he doesn’t want the job, “too much paperwork and sitting on my chull instead of actually going out there and gettin’ the bad guys” He remarked last time he was offered the position. For the past four years he’s been hunting the thieving group the ‘Crooked Cap’ in an attempt to bring them down.

 

Cloak is an old man, he never gave away his exact age but he mentions events in history that are well over ninety years old as if he were there, he is heavily involved in the criminal underworld of Dariel and his name commands respect in many circles, he’s of average height but that’s the only feature most people have been able to see of him, no one knows his true name or his face either. He is the founder and teacher of the Crooked Cap.

 

Lilya Selra was the heir to the wealthy, esteemed and respected Selra clan. She was set for a life full of riches, comfort and incredible wealth. All she had to do was marry whoever her father chose.

Instead, she politely declined and was subsequently disowned. Her father was from Lariat, and had very strange ideas about how noblewomen should behave, so she was cast out onto the streets until she was picked up by Cloak, who showed her Magic and how to use it fully. She’s a tamer, with four familiars, A tabby cat called “Skrimpy,” A wolf she affectionately named “Furball,” a Phoenix who she called “Everglide” and a Gecko called “Pablo.” She’s young, no more than twenty-eight years old but already a master tamer and novice Imbuer. She has a playful attitude and is almost always relaxed, she’s a brilliant pickpocket and one the best fighters out of the Crooked Hat, she is small and light, but exceptionally fast, her long red hair blurring past her opponents, showing pale skin and a freckled face.

 

Dorian Ezca has, and always will be a conman. He’s dined with Tavarean bishops, Exsquar Nomads and members of the Lariat court, a genius Psykiker and a decent Miracler, he is always calm, and speaks with a smooth, velvet voice that makes you want to agree with whatever he says. He’s in his early thirties, tall, muscular and classically handsome, keen, grey eyes and a confident smile almost permanently plastered across his face. He’s barely competent when it comes to fighting, but that was never his specialty, as a Psykiker his job is to make sure his fellow members of the Crooked Cap are never seen in business, he makes the disguises, covers the trails and chooses the marks and pulls of the con. He has perfected countless accents and uses them with his incredible ability to disguise himself to have multiple different personas. Additionally, he balances the books for the Crooked Cap, counting every coin in and out. When he was a child, around six years old he was originally a member of the thieving guild ‘Red Gloves’ where he made the distractions so the older boys could pick the pockets, Cloak saw this talent and saved his life when he was caught taking more than his cut from each day, he was cornered by the older boys and almost beaten to death before Cloak stepped in.

 

Alec Sikora isn’t from Urial. He originally came from Lariat, born a beggar with the rare gift of undiluted magical power from outside of the arcane continent. For the first fifteen years of his life he was self-taught. He got a job in the military and was an infantry soldier for a year, until he was kicked out because his fiery temper resulted in him attacking and hospitalizing a senior officer. Now twenty four, he’s on the shorter side, an unruly mess of brown hair rests on his shoulders. He’s the bruiser of the Crooked Cap, an initiate tamer with one familiar (Seymour, his pet mouse) and a master Attacker, specialising in element control and arcane shielding. He met Cloak soon after he was kicked out of the Lariat military, and is the newest member of the Crooked Cap, joining when he was sixteen. In addition to being a bruiser, he’s the group’s tactician, he calls the shots when it comes to the jobs.

 

Balefond Grace is a tall woman with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, she has a flawless face and an exceptionally graceful poise. She is also mute from birth, never being able to speak, as a result she trained in the least verbal type of Mage, she devoted her time to mastering Imbuing. She’s an incredible arcane smith, her parents being blacksmiths hailing from the Urian countryside. She uses her magical equipment while on missions and she specialises in espionage, infiltration and stealth, her role amongst the Crooked Cap is to make the tools and equipment needed for jobs as well as gain information and make sure that no one is getting too close to the group. She is the middling fighter in the group, better than Dorian and Linus, but worse then Alec or Lilya, she joined the group when she was eight years old, Cloak being longstanding friends with her father.

 

Linus Bleko isn’t completely sane. He sees things that aren’t truly there, but he’s kind at heart and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He’s a miracler, and it’s his job to make sure the other members of the Crooked Cap are rested, healthy and ready. He doesn’t participate much with the jobs on the outside, but he cooks, heals and makes a little bit of money on the side by being a crow doctor. Someone who people go to when they need medical attention without any questions being asked. He’s short and lanky, with white fraying the edges of his otherwise black hair, but he’s likeable and people trust him. He’s also taken to imbuing, and likes to store his power into certain objects so he can give his team members help even when he’s not there.

 

Don't be nice! All I'm looking for is how to improve!

Edited June 25, 2019 by Nohadon

[artiestroke]

The ideas in the worldbuilding are interesting, if a bit tropey. I think where this really shines is in the characters and potential plot- so, the part that matters most in storytelling, I'd say. It's definitely an engaging, classical thieving crew- each person with a specialty to bring to the table, a regular Ocean's 8. 

I do have a question about the money, though- if it's only valuable because it holds a magical spark, and that spark fades out or is used, what happens to the coin afterward? Do you have to pay to get them refilled? Is it a Stormlight kind of situation where they'll still take it but give you dirty looks?

Back to the plot itself, what's the crew's big score? Their plan, the core part of this story? The characters are interesting, I want to know what exactly they're up to- is it more of a serialized thing, like Lupin III and Zenigata or Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox? Or is this a standalone, one-time, one-shot, big-time heist? 

There's a lot of info in the worldbuilding, but most of it seems to be stuff happening leagues away from the core of this particular story- this is fine, but seems less important since the focus seems to be on Urial. It's like- in the original Mistborn, there were other cities offhandedly mentioned, sure, and we later find out more about the world in Era 2- but it's not quite relevant to the story of Kelsier robbing the Lord Ruler, so there wasn't much of a need to focus on it at the time. I'd definitely say focus on developing Urial and Uriu itself. Keep in mind certain things as to why countries form like they do- capital cities, more often than not, end up that way due to being a central location for trade/have easy access to quicker methods of travel, like rivers and coasts. If a city is big and relatively modern enough, it's going to need a lot of resources pouring in to feed the populace. At least one valuable the city produces (things like mines, lumber, wool, etc) for trade and one staple local food resource (arable farmland, sea life, rice fields, etc) would be a good start to creating a basis for the working culture there- bring it to it's logical conclusion. 

[Nohadon]

4 hours ago, artiestroke said:

The ideas in the worldbuilding are interesting, if a bit tropey. I think where this really shines is in the characters and potential plot- so, the part that matters most in storytelling, I'd say. It's definitely an engaging, classical thieving crew- each person with a specialty to bring to the table, a regular Ocean's 8. 

I was going for an Ocean's feel with some fantasy elements mixed in, what do you mean by tropey? I'm new to writing and I can't tell when I'm being cliche or falling into tropes. Could you elaborate?

4 hours ago, artiestroke said:

I do have a question about the money, though- if it's only valuable because it holds a magical spark, and that spark fades out or is used, what happens to the coin afterward? Do you have to pay to get them refilled? Is it a Stormlight kind of situation where they'll still take it but give you dirty looks?

The star afterwards has to be refilled by the master artificer, all the exhausted coins are sent back and redistributed into the economy every month, which has the continent's economy in a life cycle state, where items are more or less valuable depending on how close it is to the stars being refilled, the amount of stars still with that spark still around, etc.

4 hours ago, artiestroke said:

Back to the plot itself, what's the crew's big score? Their plan, the core part of this story? The characters are interesting, I want to know what exactly they're up to- is it more of a serialized thing, like Lupin III and Zenigata or Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox? Or is this a standalone, one-time, one-shot, big-time heist? 

I'm setting up the story as several parts. The first part is going to be the crew coming together, training and meeting each other. This will be expanding on the world and characters, the second part will be one big heist or maybe a couple of smaller heists (I don't know which is better, I'm leaning towards multiple heists instead to really set up how efficient the group is) And the third part is a cat and mouse style chase between Tallas Cav and the Crooked Cap which leads to a legitimate threat to the Crooked Cap's existence.

5 hours ago, artiestroke said:

There's a lot of info in the worldbuilding, but most of it seems to be stuff happening leagues away from the core of this particular story- this is fine, but seems less important since the focus seems to be on Urial

I think I forgot to mention this. The first spoiler box was for all the short stories that my friend and I are writing in this world, not just this one, which is why it's much broader.

5 hours ago, artiestroke said:

but it's not quite relevant to the story of Kelsier robbing the Lord Ruler, so there wasn't much of a need to focus on it at the time. I'd definitely say focus on developing Urial and Uriu itself.

Got it. I'll do some more about Uriu, thats where the first part (and a significant amount of the other two parts) will be set, so it makes sense to flesh it out more then places that won't be featured as heavily.

5 hours ago, artiestroke said:

capital cities, more often than not, end up that way due to being a central location for trade/have easy access to quicker methods of travel, like rivers and coasts. If a city is big and relatively modern enough, it's going to need a lot of resources pouring in to feed the populace. At least one valuable the city produces (things like mines, lumber, wool, etc) for trade and one staple local food resource (arable farmland, sea life, rice fields, etc) would be a good start to creating a basis for the working culture there- bring it to it's logical conclusion. 

Each continent needs to be primarily self-sustaining due to the giant war thats raging out around the world, I was thinking that there was a large trade network throughout Urial, between Uriu, the four other cities and the countryside towns, all working together and profiting from it on the side.

[Karger]

3 hours ago, Nohadon said:

I was going for an Ocean's feel with some fantasy elements mixed in, what do you mean by tropey? I'm new to writing and I can't tell when I'm being cliche or falling into tropes. Could you elaborate?

The group of different specialists is an obvious and often unavoidable trope in much of fantasy.  While not a writer myself I think the best way around this trope is to give the characters traits that don't immediately seem to be in line with their character archetype.  You are already doing this by making your most charming character a fighter and your artificer a beauty and a mute.  Treating characters like people with agency is important.

[artiestroke]

4 hours ago, Nohadon said:

I was going for an Ocean's feel with some fantasy elements mixed in, what do you mean by tropey? I'm new to writing and I can't tell when I'm being cliche or falling into tropes. Could you elaborate?

The “Religious Country who thinks Magic is Evil” is the first one that really jumped at me- personally, I’m not a big fan of it, but sometimes it can still be done well and surprise me (Elantris being a prime example) 

I WOULD be cautious about making the antagonistic religious country also a mercantile state, as it could be taken as unintentionally anti-Semitic. Tread carefully, and just remember that no one culture is 100% homogenous. ATLA did a great job of having a whole country as an antagonistic force and still showing that individuals in the Fire Nation were still individuals, and not all of them happy with what’s going on. 

Quote

The star afterwards has to be refilled by the master artificer, all the exhausted coins are sent back and redistributed into the economy every month, which has the continent's economy in a life cycle state, where items are more or less valuable depending on how close it is to the stars being refilled, the amount of stars still with that spark still around, etc.

Alright that makes sense- then is there a sort of subsidized income for the general populace? If you have to give your money back to the government to recharge it every, let’s say month, that would make it pretty darn impossible to actually save it up. Which ALSO has an interesting effect on our thieving crew here- they’ve got a serious time limit on how long that money is valuable to them before it becomes a liability- unless one of them can recharge it. Being able to recharge your own money in this setting feels almost vaguely like a parallel to counterfeiting, which could be interesting.

Quote

I'm setting up the story as several parts. The first part is going to be the crew coming together, training and meeting each other. This will be expanding on the world and characters, the second part will be one big heist or maybe a couple of smaller heists (I don't know which is better, I'm leaning towards multiple heists instead to really set up how efficient the group is) And the third part is a cat and mouse style chase between Tallas Cav and the Crooked Cap which leads to a legitimate threat to the Crooked Cap's existence.

Do you mean that as in a three-act structure in one book, or three, separate stories that tie together? I’m assuming more the latter due to you saying short stories.

Quote

Each continent needs to be primarily self-sustaining due to the giant war thats raging out around the world, I was thinking that there was a large trade network throughout Urial, between Uriu, the four other cities and the countryside towns, all working together and profiting from it on the side.

Trade within a country is a given, for sure- just keep in mind what exactly it is that each city has and lacks. Maybe something the country as a whole lacks which would motivate them to either find allies not working with Tavarean to trade, or also try to conquer some territory that has what they need. 

[Pagliacci]

How, may I ask, have these nations been able to sustain war over four centuries? Is it an Ancient Greece situation where all the nations are on-again, off-again in their conflicts or has this been a continuous effort?

[Nohadon]

10 hours ago, artiestroke said:

The “Religious Country who thinks Magic is Evil” is the first one that really jumped at me- personally, I’m not a big fan of it, but sometimes it can still be done well and surprise me (Elantris being a prime example) 

I WOULD be cautious about making the antagonistic religious country also a mercantile state, as it could be taken as unintentionally anti-Semitic. Tread carefully, and just remember that no one culture is 100% homogenous. ATLA did a great job of having a whole country as an antagonistic force and still showing that individuals in the Fire Nation were still individuals, and not all of them happy with what’s going on. 

The most difficult thing about writing this would be setting up the perspective. What I'm going to try get across is depending on what perspective you look at, ANYONE could be the antagonist. Tavarean looks evil when you are looking at it from Urial, but when reading a SjinYo story, Lariat or Exsqaur might seem like the main antagonist and Tavarean protecting them from the bigger continents. 

10 hours ago, artiestroke said:

Do you mean that as in a three-act structure in one book, or three, separate stories that tie together? I’m assuming more the latter due to you saying short stories.

It'll be one big story split into three defined parts, similar to how stormlight archive is plotted out.

10 hours ago, artiestroke said:

Trade within a country is a given, for sure- just keep in mind what exactly it is that each city has and lacks. Maybe something the country as a whole lacks which would motivate them to either find allies not working with Tavarean to trade, or also try to conquer some territory that has what they need. 

Got it, I'll work on that.

10 hours ago, artiestroke said:

Alright that makes sense- then is there a sort of subsidized income for the general populace? If you have to give your money back to the government to recharge it every, let’s say month, that would make it pretty darn impossible to actually save it up. Which ALSO has an interesting effect on our thieving crew here- they’ve got a serious time limit on how long that money is valuable to them before it becomes a liability- unless one of them can recharge it. Being able to recharge your own money in this setting feels almost vaguely like a parallel to counterfeiting, which could be interesting.

I don't think that the crooked cap should be able to recharge their own stars, it puts much more of a time limit on each job, as you mentioned earlier.

3 hours ago, Pagliacci said:

How, may I ask, have these nations been able to sustain war over four centuries? Is it an Ancient Greece situation where all the nations are on-again, off-again in their conflicts or has this been a continuous effort?

The war is continuous, but it's been around for such a long period of time now that people have gotten used to it and no longer see the others as 'enemies' unless they are in the military, so while everyone is still at war, most nations are being practical about it