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Mandamon

20190513 - Facets of the Nether Ch 14 - 5678 words - Sub 13, SV, BF

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Hello everyone!
A bit longer this week, and I hope it will redeem some of E's arc so far. I've also taken Robinski's tags for last week of "SV" for sexual violence and "BF" for bodily functions. There's a sort of intense scene in this one...
As usual, all comments are welcome.

Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being. E and R discuss the revelation, S visits the Eff in a private audience, and M continues recruiting. Re manages to meet with the coalition, learns E and I's true species, and confronts E. E trades herself for I and S takes I in.
The rest of the cast gathers at the wall, and meet the Eff. They learn some new things, then the chime stops as something comes through the wall. We go back to E, who discovers the Coalition's headquarters, and meets some new, strange friends. Back to S and Co at the wall, who finally find out what the chime was all about. We drop in on M, who showed the new two-house recruits what's he'd been doing. Meanwhile, S and I go through the wall with WW, and find out what's on the other side.

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Overall

Delightful. I'd love more specifics, as noted below, but the tension stayed super high the whole time. It does make me wish for more S/I/E development as a romantic trio earlier in the book. I think that would really make E's transformation more dynamic and have the reader all bug eyed over what this will mean for the poly relationship. 

I appreciate the SV tag as that was... surprisingly sexual for having absolutely nothing to do with sex. Love how it ended. I also appreciate that this chapter had just one POV so we kept the momentum throughout. 

 

Nice chapter!

 

As I go

- epigraph: ever, not every

- isn't a cough more weakness than a sigh?

- since we are spending so much time in this room I'd love more description of it

- pg 8: I really like this beat but I feel like something is missing. I'm unclear still what happened with I and if he was infected with something or not. I think I need a few more concrete gives to make sense of this. There is so much wonder and tension and danger and I just need a bit more to hang on to

- pg 14 has some blocking issues. She makes a change to the symphony and I'm not clear what happens to her attacker. Anything?

- pg 17: oh I definitely want more description of the spare parts selection

 

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I think this is one of my favorite chapters so far. The Ari... are fascinating and I loved seeing E take on one of the older ones and come out on top.

I was struggling to figure out how much time was passing, but if E was too then that is okay.

I agree with @kais about needing more description. 

Page 1-2

"...gave a hint of gender, and E since they were not longer in the Nether, it could give no hints." Is there a missing or extra word?

Page 11

"Those ungrateful two...rip them both to shreds when she got out of here and found them." This felt a little out of nowhere. If  these kind of thoughts are triggered by the change, why did they take so long to happen? I think if there were some ragey feels closer her change, even if they weren't so specific, I'd have more buy in to these thoughts. 

Page 18

"J... and they rest, they do not understand tactics." The rest? 

 

The last few lines...perfection! If I'm not imagining things, in the earlier chapters, there were little subtle hints that P might have been Ari... . 

 

I can't wait to read more! 

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15 hours ago, kais said:

Delightful. I'd love more specifics, as noted below, but the tension stayed super high the whole time. It does make me wish for more S/I/E development as a romantic trio earlier in the book. I think that would really make E's transformation more dynamic and have the reader all bug eyed over what this will mean for the poly relationship. 

 

15 hours ago, kais said:

pg 17: oh I definitely want more description of the spare parts selection

 

13 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

If  these kind of thoughts are triggered by the change, why did they take so long to happen? I think if there were some ragey feels closer her change, even if they weren't so specific, I'd have more buy in to these thoughts. 

Yeah, I realized this was pretty bland when I read through it again. I'll try to add a bit more. also working a lot harder on the relationship this go around, and how emotions are affected when they change.

15 hours ago, kais said:

I appreciate the SV tag as that was... surprisingly sexual for having absolutely nothing to do with sex. Love how it ended. I also appreciate that this chapter had just one POV so we kept the momentum throughout. 

Heh...this came out more everything than I intended, but I think for the better.

15 hours ago, kais said:

I really like this beat but I feel like something is missing. I'm unclear still what happened with I and if he was infected with something or not

Agreed. This is something I'm paying a lot more attention to this edit.

13 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The last few lines...perfection! If I'm not imagining things, in the earlier chapters, there were little subtle hints that P might have been Ari... . 

*grin*

Thanks @kais and @shatteredsmooth!

 

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Doing this on my phone, which I never usually do so hope it work.

-Love the chapter title; very portentous. Also, love the epigraph. It's nice to get a personal one. It's really quite heartfelt and emotional. Well done. My only question, who's account is it? I don't know who's voice I'm hearing. 

-I don't remember who P and Z are. 

-How do the manacles work? Remote control?

-Suddenness of what? We didn't see the other barrier come down. Suddenness of the manacles dropping off?

-"...in front of the A." - The other A?, as she is one too. Or, if she's referring to the whole race not just these two then 'an A'?

-typo "through as tall as"

-sentence ending "hints." seems to have missing word or some other issue. 

-"trader's tongue" - Wouldn't she know what language they were speaking? I figure the ears still hear the same thing but the N translates in the head? (Although not in this case.) Also, trader's is singular of course. I thought it might be Traders' Tongue, i.e. a language belonging to all traders. Furthermore, I think it would be capitalised as the name of a language, no?

-I like the threat coming from the big Ar. 

-Right, there is some awesome revealing here about the Accretion, but also I feel a lack of clarity. Are we to take the assumption the the Ac is impersonating Ina, and that Ina is still here with the Sa? If that's not the situation I think it should be!!!! That would be awesome and terrifying at the thought of S being with an insane shapeshifter. I'm not clear if that's what's happening, or if that's what In suspects. 

-Is biased the right word? Biased in favour of En, but against who?

-The meshing is quite chilling. Burrowing, yeuch. 

-"The last person she became..." - I feel like 'had become' would make this statement more clearly in the past, and therefore make it easier to parse the idea.

-"the others as the others" - repetition. Surely, you could say 'they put out the maj lights'.

-typo: "He parents had mentioned..."

-E gave in to the urge, not 'gave into', surely, since giving in is the action. 

-"given some other sign of her movement" - but the twitch IS the movement, there is no sign, the movement is its own sign.

-"absorbing herself" - just 'absorbing her', surely. 'herself' is awkward and unnecessary.

-The bit up to followed the melody, I found somewhat rambling, not all the focused. Things sharpen up nicely when you show En replacing the loose parts of the other Ar with her important components. Much clearer and sharper. 

-The description of En taking over the other is very well down. So cold and logical, very gruesome, but handled with complete calmness and logic that it seems all the more chilling. The dimension this adds to the story is fantastic, pregnant with such interesting possibilities. Really well conceived this idea.

-Possibly even better is the aftermath, where you describe the others picking up the spare pieces. Just terrific.

-Then you double down in the whole absorbing thing by having En thinking romantic thoughts about S really great idea, however, here comes the but. She imagines how this will change kissing him. Problem is I have almost no investment in their romantic relationship. It hasn't been well presented or built or developed in any of the stories yet, I don't think. So, I have trouble buying into to now.

-The ending clanged for me like a tin shoe hitting another metal thing. The Sat's line is very clunky, really shoehorned in with no logic: the author waving a red "Plot Point" flag. Then it happens again when the Ar drops the other big clangy tin shoe about the Eff. After all the good work of the transformation, the last few paragraphs are disappointing.

<R>

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On 15/05/2019 at 2:20 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The last few lines...perfection!

Hmm... I could not agree less :P 

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1 hour ago, Robinski said:

-I don't remember who P and Z are. 

They were introduced last chapter with E. Hopefully just WRS

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

How do the manacles work? Remote control?

They're made out of handwavium...

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

-Right, there is some awesome revealing here about the Accretion, but also I feel a lack of clarity. Are we to take the assumption the the Ac is impersonating Ina, and that Ina is still here with the Sa? If that's not the situation I think it should be!!!! That would be awesome and terrifying at the thought of S being with an insane shapeshifter. I'm not clear if that's what's happening, or if that's what In suspects. 

I didn't mean anything quite this far-ranging! It's a good idea, but I don't think it would work with how things are structured and what's going to happen. Still, I know I dropped the ball on a lot of I's development for this book, so I may be able to add some variation on this back in. Thanks!

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

Problem is I have almost no investment in their romantic relationship. It hasn't been well presented or built or developed in any of the stories yet, I don't think. So, I have trouble buying into to now.

Hopefully correcting this now. I'm working on the first few chapters of the book.

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

-The ending clanged for me like a tin shoe hitting another metal thing. The Sat's line is very clunky, really shoehorned in with no logic: the author waving a red "Plot Point" flag. Then it happens again when the Ar drops the other big clangy tin shoe about the Eff. After all the good work of the transformation, the last few paragraphs are disappointing.

Interesting. I'll give you it is a bit plot point-y, but the corollary is coming up next chapter, so I'm also using it as a time stamp. Still, I'll look at trying to clear it up.

Thanks @Robinski!

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Posted (edited)

4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

They were introduced last chapter with E. Hopefully just WRS

Yeah, totally WRS.

4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

They're made out of handwavium...

:lol: Hmm... all well and good, but I felt like there was a mechanism at work there that I had no knowledge of, and that was difference from all the other mechanisms in a story where all of the mechanisms are very well defined.

4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Hopefully correcting this now. I'm working on the first few chapters of the book.

Cool. I think the space between Book 1 and Book 2 must be really fertile ground for their relationship to have moved on, and us seeing that in the early chapters can only drive investment in that three-way (oh, stop sniggering you at the back) relationship between S, In and En.

 

Edited by Robinski
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3 hours ago, Robinski said:

I felt like there was a mechanism at work there that I had no knowledge of

Fair enough. I'll put something in there this time.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

us seeing that in the early chapters can only drive investment in that three-way (oh, stop sniggering you at the back) relationship

*waggling eyebrows*

Also, yes definitely. I think this is going to be a big sticking point for me to get just right.

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