Lunamor

The Girl Who Looked Up (Extended Version)

90 posts in this topic

Just now, AonEne said:

:wacko: No...

Hmm... research time then, I guess! :P

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My soul is broken now. Why would you do that!?!? 

On the bright side, I could become a radiant...

I think it was really good, and I read Sanderson books.

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14 minutes ago, Mushroom Catalog said:

My soul is broken now. Why would you do that!?!? 

On the bright side, I could become a radiant...

I think it was really good, and I read Sanderson books.

You’re welcome. :P

And thanks! I am glad you liked it. Also, a question: Was anything super unclear about it? I wasn’t sure if I needed to add any more explaining. I am thinking of touching it up a bit before sending it to Brandon, but it is really hard to edit your own work. :P

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Everything was unclear, especially about her mom and the wind and the connection there. But it was unclear in a good way. It was still unclear though.

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12 minutes ago, AonEne said:

Everything was unclear, especially about her mom and the wind and the connection there. But it was unclear in a good way. It was still unclear though.

Ok, thanks for the feedback!

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Anytime!

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On 5/17/2019 at 5:35 PM, Lunamor said:

Was anything super unclear about it? I wasn’t sure if I needed to add any more explaining. I am thinking of touching it up a bit before sending it to Brandon, but it is really hard to edit your own work. :P

 

On 5/17/2019 at 6:23 PM, AonEne said:

Everything was unclear, especially about her mom and the wind and the connection there. But it was unclear in a good way.

It was BEAUTIFULLY UNCLEAR!!! It was the level of unclear the WoK was!!! Send this to brandon!  

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4 hours ago, ShardShaper said:

It was BEAUTIFULLY UNCLEAR!!! It was the level of unclear the WoK was!!! Send this to brandon!  

Thanks! I will probably sent it to him once I figure out which form thing to use.

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On 5/15/2019 at 8:21 PM, Lunamor said:

Do you know how I would do so? I tried looking at the contact info on the website, but the only categories were for things like questions and stuff.

You could always try giving it to them as a gift at a signing.

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3 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said:

You could always try giving it to them as a gift at a signing.

Good idea. I don’t know I could wait that long, though :P

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3 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

Good idea. I don’t know I could wait that long, though :P

It would also give you a good amount of time to refine it, and also make it truly special to give it to the man himself in person

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Just now, Wyndlerunner said:

It would also give you a good amount of time to refine it, and also make it truly special to give it to the man himself in person

Good points. Yeah, now I think I’m gonna go with that option. Thanks!

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Just now, Lunamor said:

Good points. Yeah, now I think I’m gonna go with that option. Thanks!

Anytime Luna!

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Wow Luna. That was good. I’ve got some stuff that could use improvement, and some stuff that I liked in the spoiler box.

Spoiler

“The girl looked around, seeking a way to escape their penetrating looks.”

So in the paragraph before this, you talk about how drawing attention attracts the shadow monsters, the ones that took her mom. But then you jump right into this, as if the monsters are already there. We didn’t really get any warning of that however. One minute, she’s afraid they’re going to come, the next she’s trying to escape them. So maybe just clarify that they’re there in the sentence before. This isn’t really necessary, it was just kind of confusing to me.

 

“They were all too afraid of what lay beyond and near the wall being angered by a little girl.”

Maybe I’m just being stupid, but this sentence doesn’t make any sense to me. Do you mean “to be” in place of “being”?

 

“There were way more out here in the open than back at her village.”

You just forgot an “e” at the end of “here” in this sentence.

 

Alright, that’s it for the stuff that could use improvement. Now for some praise!

Ouch, that end though. :,( Well, I guess if it made me that sad, it was well written. So good job.

I really liked the foreshadowing throughout the whole thing. There were many mentions of her mom, and we got bits and pieces of what happened to her throughout the story, then got the big reveal near the end. And while it was confusing, it was also just very mysterious and intriguing. So good work on that.

Lastly, I appreciate how well you stuck to the original. And not just in the facts of the story, but the tone as well. While your story was very different and unique in its own way, it also held true to the original, which was nice.

Overall, very well done. It was fun to read, and I’m sure Brandon will love it. :D

 

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16 minutes ago, Rebecca said:

Wow Luna. That was good. I’ve got some stuff that could use improvement, and some stuff that I liked in the spoiler box.

  Hide contents

“The girl looked around, seeking a way to escape their penetrating looks.”

So in the paragraph before this, you talk about how drawing attention attracts the shadow monsters, the ones that took her mom. But then you jump right into this, as if the monsters are already there. We didn’t really get any warning of that however. One minute, she’s afraid they’re going to come, the next she’s trying to escape them. So maybe just clarify that they’re there in the sentence before. This isn’t really necessary, it was just kind of confusing to me.

 

“They were all too afraid of what lay beyond and near the wall being angered by a little girl.”

Maybe I’m just being stupid, but this sentence doesn’t make any sense to me. Do you mean “to be” in place of “being”?

 

“There were way more out here in the open than back at her village.”

You just forgot an “e” at the end of “here” in this sentence.

 

Alright, that’s it for the stuff that could use improvement. Now for some praise!

Ouch, that end though. :,( Well, I guess if it made me that sad, it was well written. So good job.

I really liked the foreshadowing throughout the whole thing. There were many mentions of her mom, and we got bits and pieces of what happened to her throughout the story, then got the big reveal near the end. And while it was confusing, it was also just very mysterious and intriguing. So good work on that.

Lastly, I appreciate how well you stuck to the original. And not just in the facts of the story, but the tone as well. While your story was very different and unique in its own way, it also held true to the original, which was nice.

Overall, very well done. It was fun to read, and I’m sure Brandon will love it. :D

 

Thank you so much, that was extremely helpful!

Edited by Lunamor
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6 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

Thank you so much, that was extremely helpful!!!

No problem. Glad I could help. :)

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A question for anyone who sees this: Do you think that if I posted this on the reddit for SA Brandon might see it? I know that he occasionally visits there, but wasn’t sure if the chances of him seeing it were worth posting or not.

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34 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

A question for anyone who sees this: Do you think that if I posted this on the reddit for SA Brandon might see it? I know that he occasionally visits there, but wasn’t sure if the chances of him seeing it were worth posting or not.

I don’t frequent Reddit so I have no idea, but even if he doesn’t, other people might enjoy it. I don’t know if it could hurt. 

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19 minutes ago, AonEne said:

I don’t frequent Reddit so I have no idea, but even if he doesn’t, other people might enjoy it. I don’t know if it could hurt. 

I checked the rules for the subreddit and it probably won’t hurt, so imma try it!

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11 minutes ago, Trellium said:

@Lunamor Read this after seeing the post on reddit. Awesome job, this is great!

Thank you so much!

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Aha! Your evil plan kinda-sorta worked! :P

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Just now, AonEne said:

Aha! Your evil plan kinda-sorta worked! :P

Woohoo! Hopefully Brandon will see it!

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If not, you better show him at a signing! I hope he comes back to Nebrask soon. With plenty of Rithmatist bodyguards of course. :P

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EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

AB2C1C12-EF68-409E-9F01-E2811E9165A1.jpeg

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