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March 18 2018_Evanstar Chronicles_ (5500 words) (LS)


shatteredsmooth

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Content warning: Some swearing, self-harm, mention of past abuse, a little bit of kissing
 
Hi All,

I've paused the novella I was sending you because I got beta reader feedback on the sequel to Power Surge. As far as I know, only one of you read Power Surge, but several met M and E this past fall when I submitted  "Life Minus Me." 

This story is told from E's POV. Genre-wise, I'm calling this NA urban fantasy. E's pronouns are they/them/theirs, but it is first person narration, so you don't see those pronoun unless someone is talking about E. 

Both readers agreed my first chapter wasn't working. One wanted the book to "take a deep breath" and let the reader catch up with the characters before I got into any actions or fight scenes. That is what I tried to do with this new opening. I think feedback from fresh readers could be helpful at this point. 

I do have a few specific questions:

1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced? 

2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter?

3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E?

4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter? 

5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?" 

6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue? 

Please keep in mind I can't change how the magic system works since the first book is already published. I'm not going to send this whole book through the group -- I just really need fresh eyes on the opening chapter. 

If you don't want to read over the 5,000 words, feel free to skip the last scene, which probably has more typos than anywhere else because I just rewrote it instead of editing it.

Thanks!

 

In book 1, E learned they were from a family of demon hunters and has a grandmother who is an Elf. E figured this out while being stalked by a demon There was an angsty freinds to lovers romantic subplot with J. E uncovers a plot for a demon apocalypse. E defeats the demon that was stalking them but fails to cancel the apocalypse. 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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Glad to be reading more of this, and I'm looking forward to the full release!

Answers to your questions:
1. The very opening Epigraph feels kind of forced, and I think the first few lines need a better hook. Once I get into it, it keeps my attention.

2. I read the first book, and this was a good level of refresh to get me re-acquainted.

3. Ehh...yes and no. M comes across as confusing because there needs to be better blocking around where she's communicating from. Aside from that, she's still directing and helping out E, so if she's a mess, she's still capable enough to help others around her and keep it controlled.

4. The whole pregnancy thing makes me question him a lot more. I was on board with J in the first book, after we get explanation as to what's happened to him. Here...he's made some really poor decisions.

5. I got feels from it. Plenty of PDA. 

6. I noted one or two places below.

 

Notes while reading
Pg 1: I'm not really feeling the epilogue as a start to this book. It's a bit like trying to mush together a recap in 100 words.

pg 3: "J was all sharp angles like broken glass", and "J actually looked like a healthy weight instead of a skeleton with skin and hair."
--These two sentences seem at odds, especially in the same paragraph.

pg 4: "the voice of my conscience, also known as..."
--Wait, is M in this scene? She hasn't been mentioned yet. From reading on, it seems like she isn't? Is E talking to her over a long distance? I didn't know M could do that.

pg 4: I get that E is anxious over graduation, but I'm not sure why. You mention they were excited until the events of the first book, but I don't understand why they aren't excited now.

pg 4: "You’re testing my meds, aren’t you? I thought at M"
--Still don't know where M is.

pg 5: "I turned around, opening my Sight to look at the family section of seating"
--Okay, so they're all in the audience. Might need to get this blocking earlier, or at least mention it.

pg 5: "And M, my mom,..."
--I didn't get this was M talking until E answered. Might need a tag.

pg 6: "and returned my seat, my chest felt lighter."
--This also seems contrary to their bout of anxiety at the beginning. I understand that anxiety doesn't make sense a lot of the time, but maybe E can make a guess, just to keep the reader from wondering and popping out of the story.

pg 9: “A little over three months pregnant,” 
--Ok, was not expecting that. I guess these folks don't use protection?

pg 10: Very tense section! Well done. I'm still wondering at how it happened, but I suppose I'll find that out later.

pg 11: “I did now.”
--took me a minute to figure this out. I think it's supposed to be “I did not.”

pg 12: "But this time, I was ready for her."
--good section, and I think this introduces things again well for the second book. It needs a little more something at the beginning as a hook, but after that point it keeps my attention.

pg 13: "We definitely exceeded the temper’s breakpoint.”
--Bamboo swords were tempered? Is that possible? Enchanted in faerie I understand, but is tempering the right word?

pg 13: "like he was the one who had just spend the past hour testing is body’s limits."
--which he probably did, from how keyed up he was.

pg 14: "I kissed him."
--maybe a little more blocking here. They were separated, with M holding a hand out, then kissing.

pg 15: "be a normal eighteen-year-old"
--Eek. Definitely should have been using protection.

pg 15: "N is teaching E how to siphon energy from fire?” 
--Where did this come from? Need some sort of transition in here.

pg 15: good last line.

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7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--Okay, so they're all in the audience. Might need to get this blocking earlier, or at least mention it.

I can do that. :-)

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Aside from that, she's still directing and helping out E, so if she's a mess, she's still capable enough to help others around her and keep it controlled.

Looks like I was close.  Mel is keeping it together, but barely. I'll work on this while I work on the blocking. 

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Enchanted in faerie I understand, but is tempering the right word?

I see your point. Maybe reinforced? Strengthened? Or  just something like "enchanted not to break" ?

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

"N is teaching E how to siphon energy from fire?” 
--Where did this come from? Need some sort of transition in here.

M picking it out of J's thoughts. I'll work on clarifying that. 

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

4. The whole pregnancy thing makes me question him a lot more. I was on board with J in the first book, after we get explanation as to what's happened to him. Here...he's made some really poor decisions.

 That's kind of what I was worried about, but those bad decisions happened before book 1 and have been part of my plan for this all along. 

In earlier drafts, the pregnancy wasn't revealed until about half way through the book, so that readers would still be sympathetic to him when he disappeared.  That reveal wasn't working and needed to happen earlier, especially since the pregnancy plays a significant role in how E actually tracks J. I thought moving it to the first chapter, put it out in the open right away and created space for some unresolved tension to be present between E and J when he disappears. However, I don't readers to dislike him to the point that they don't care about Erin finding him. 

Is E is being a little too forgiving at the end of this chapter?

Thank you so much for the feedback! 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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13 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

In earlier drafts, the pregnancy wasn't revealed until about half way through the book,

No, I agree something like this should come at the beginning, to give plenty of time to work it out in the story. I don't dislike J for it, but I feel like he's the only one who isn't stepping up, and it's his child. All the others are accepting of the situation and making plans. He's just a ball of wimp. Maybe look at the proactive/competent/sympathetic sliders for J to see where he's not engaging with readers.

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2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

No, I agree something like this should come at the beginning, to give plenty of time to work it out in the story. I don't dislike J for it, but I feel like he's the only one who isn't stepping up, and it's his child. All the others are accepting of the situation and making plans. He's just a ball of wimp. Maybe look at the proactive/competent/sympathetic sliders for J to see where he's not engaging with readers.

Thank you! This gives me a much clearer idea of what isn't working. :-)

And based on what you said, I'm thinking his reaction is a little out of character for him, so I will definitely change it. 

 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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Sneaking in just under the radar here...

Overall

While it had good emotional depth, this read more like a draft where the author is trying to figure out character interactions than an actual chapter. Especially as it is the first chapter in a book, it did not have any form of inciting incident, nor hint at plot direction. There were a ton of characters--probably okay since this is book two-- but that will make it hard for new readers to get into. 

Your questions

1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced? 

No. There are far too many characters and the world isn't built up enough for me to simply invest in that. I was grounded marginally until the graduation ended, and then it felt like I was free falling.

 

2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter?

This is a big question. I think it would be better to focus on the role and backstory of our MC here more than their convos with other people.

 

3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E?

Yes, the mess part comes across. I don't know if family drama could be a subplot since there is no greater plot ATM. Family drama could be the main plot?

 

4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter? 

Not yet, no. I don't have anything invested in E yet, either. An inciting incident in chapter one would help

 

5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?" 

I think we may need more info on book one. If it was internally focused with the action being more emotional than physical, that's good to know going in. I felt like this chapter was 100% feels with no action, which made me antsy (that being personal preference, clearly). You could also internalize more feels and have less inner and outer dialogue. That might help.

 

6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue? 

I was unclear what was happening any time after the graduation ended.

On 3/19/2019 at 8:53 AM, Mandamon said:

--Ok, was not expecting that. I guess these folks don't use protection?

This is a good point. If this is modern day Portland, birth control/condoms/etc are everywhere and most are free.

Based upon @Mandamon's feedback, it looks like this chapter relies very heavily on past knowledge of book one. Some additional recap elements might need to be added to ground new readers.


As I go

- that first sentence is way too long and I can't parse it. Leading with the second sentence would be better. Much more punch

- the side note is too much information. Give me more time with this demon hunting. I see that it is supposed to be a journal entry but it doesn't read like one--reads much more like author info dump. Maybe more conversational would be appropriate for a journal entry?

- the 'description in the mirror' thing is pushing cliche, by current trends

- this strikes me wrong: Granted, J actually looked like a healthy weight instead of a skeleton with skin and hair. What are you trying to say here? 

- pg 4: I have not read PS, but I assume most who read this will have. As a new reader, I find there are too many characters too early. I still barely know anything about our MC, and would like the introductions a bit slower

- pg 5: no sign of plot or a through line. It is hard not to skim

- pg 6: bit let down that there is no inciting incident at the graduation

- end of page 8: 'her' should be 'were'

- pg 9: I'm floundering. I can't see a plot and there are so many characters. Unsure what the world is made up of, too. The only thing I had a clear sense of was the high school graduation

- pg 12: trolls shouldn't be a proper noun unless you are referring to the movie?

 

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Overall, I had trouble getting in to this. I feel like right now it's a second book that really needs the first in order to figure out what's going on. 

 

1. No, I do not think this stands well by itself. I had a lot of trouble in the opening paragraphs figuring out what was going on and who the main characters were. Concepts seemed to be jumping around a lot and there are many names flying past with not much time given to them. I don't spend enough time with any one character to get a feel for them, and there is very little description for me to hang on to, to help differentiate the characters.

2. I'm not sure any of the information is irrelevant this time around, but I feel like a lot of it could be better placed, either in this chapter or moved elsewhere. I feel like I'm getting hit with a lot right now, and I don't know that it needs gone, but it might need streamlining. Some of the details around the Je/Jo/E relationship I feel like could be streamlined or parceled out a bit better, I think. 

3. M seems pretty well together to me. From what I read, maybe she is a bit intense, but not falling apart or anything. I also did not get much of a sense of ongoing drama between E and M.  It seemed fairly average for the circumstances.

4. Right now Jo is being kind of a booger and I don't like him overmuch. I wouldn't be overly unhappy if he got abducted right now, honestly. It's clear the E cares a lot about him, so insofar as I care about E (and I do. E is pretty sympathetic and I'm rooting for them already), and would want E to be happy, then I would want Jo to be saved. But not so much in his own right.  I think @Mandamon pegged it with pointing out Jo's handling of the Je confrontation -- it's the icing on some really-bad-choices cake that does not put him in a good light right out the gate. I don't know that it's entirely necessary that I care about Jo for his own sake, however. At least, not right now. 

5. This section feels a bit muddled to me, but there is definitely emotion there. 

6.  I had trouble with some of the psychic communications with M, but the spoken dialogue seemed to line up pretty well. I don't feel like there was much differentiation between the characters, though. They all "sound" fairly similar to me, even the nun, who is, I think, supposed to be older than the rest of the characters?

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13 hours ago, kais said:

Based upon @Mandamon's feedback, it looks like this chapter relies very heavily on past knowledge of book one. Some additional recap elements might need to be added to ground new readers.

 

13 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 4: I have not read PS, but I assume most who read this will have. As a new reader, I find there are too many characters too early. I still barely know anything about our MC, and would like the introductions a bit slower

 

7 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

No, I do not think this stands well by itself. I had a lot of trouble in the opening paragraphs figuring out what was going on and who the main characters were. Concepts seemed to be jumping around a lot and there are many names flying past with not much time given to them. I don't spend enough time with any one character to get a feel for them, and there is very little description for me to hang on to, to help differentiate the characters.

Good to know. Thank you!

13 hours ago, kais said:

- this strikes me wrong: Granted, J actually looked like a healthy weight instead of a skeleton with skin and hair. What are you trying to say here? 

 

You're right. Consider this description gone. 

 

13 hours ago, kais said:

Especially as it is the first chapter in a book, it did not have any form of inciting incident, nor hint at plot direction.

 The inciting incident happens in Chapter 2. Maybe that should be Ch. 1...

One reader suggested Ch.2 be my opening, and the other wanted the "deep breath" before the inciting incident and the accompanying explosion. I don't know why, but over three drafts, I have been very resistant to starting with that chapter. I keep insisting to myself that there needs to be something less violent and less dark before it. But maybe not. 

13 hours ago, kais said:

This is a good point. If this is modern day Portland, birth control/condoms/etc are everywhere and most are free.

 

Modern day, just south of Portland, Maine. I probably need to put the word "Maine" right after Portland because most of the country sees Portland and assumes Oregon. 

But location aside, @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon also seemed skeptical of this in general and it caught me off guard. I'm wondering if unplanned teen pregnancy seems more common to me than it actually is because I work at a community college, and if people who get pregnant in high school to go college right after high school, or even with in a couple years of high school, it is usually at a community college. I know it is more common with the low-income students, but it does happen with the middle class suburban students too.

I'll have to put more thought into how I handle it on the page. 

13 hours ago, kais said:

I think we may need more info on book one. If it was internally focused with the action being more emotional than physical, that's good to know going in. I felt like this chapter was 100% feels with no action, which made me antsy (that being personal preference, clearly). You could also internalize more feels and have less inner and outer dialogue. That might help.

The opening scene in book 1 was internal, but E was jogging, and a stranger was following them, so there was suspense. After that was dialogue with Me and a sparring match. Book 1 tended to alternate between internal conflict, emotional/romantic scenes with J, and fighting, but the more I think about it, the more there was always something else going on in the more internal scenes. 

I think I am starting to understand the problem here more.

7 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I think @Mandamon pegged it with pointing out Jo's handling of the Je confrontation -- it's the icing on some really-bad-choices cake that does not put him in a good light right out the gate. I don't know that it's entirely necessary that I care about Jo for his own sake, however. At least, not right now. 

There is more at stake than just saving him, but I will still rework his reaction to this because I think it is a little out of character.

7 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I had trouble with some of the psychic communications with M, but the spoken dialogue seemed to line up pretty well. I don't feel like there was much differentiation between the characters, though. They all "sound" fairly similar to me, even the nun, who is, I think, supposed to be older than the rest of the characters?

I'll keep an eye on that as I edit. 

 

Thank you @industrialistDragon  and @kais for jumping in even though you haven't read book 1! You gave me some great feedback. :-)

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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1 hour ago, shatteredsmooth said:

@Mandamon and @industrialistDragon also seemed skeptical of this in general

For me, I think it's less skeptical that such a thing can happen (I know it does) and more like ... it just comes out of nowhere in the text, and it feels like it should be a pretty big deal, but it's sort of not treated that way? Jo completely botching the interaction doesn't help. The fact that these are side characters (I think?) adds to the confusion. I do agree that if it's there, it should be revealed early on, but I feel like it's mishandled right now.

So, I'm left wondering so many things. Is this the inciting incident? Is the pregnancy going to be the focus of the book? Was this a big thing in the previous book, so it'll get wrapped up here and there'll be a different inciting incident later on? I thought this was going to be a book about a demon apocalypse, but now we're in deep relationship drama suddenly, so what is happening? Does that make Jo the protagonist? Is E a side character, when I thought they were the protag? What about Je, is she the protagonist since she's having a baby? They've all had about equal screentime up to that point so it's really hard to tell... The text was sort of leading me to like Jo but now he's shown himself to be a kind-of gross person so am I supposed to not like him now? If I'm supposed to like him and he stays this kind-of gross person I don't know that I really want to keep reading... I just met all three of these people, was I supposed to figure out this twist somehow from the text?

It's just like, placed where it is, handled how it is right now, it opens up a lot of confusion. With the question specifically about Jo's likability, his mishandling of the pregnancy announcement is going to factor heavily in the answer to that question. (To be clear, I think it's a realistic response, and done well, but the question was specifically about his likability, and the response doesn't make him particularly likable)

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@industrialistDragon You just gave me a much, much clearer idea of what the problem was. Thank you!

Your questions, and trying to answer them, really helped me see how this opening was confusing and somewhat misleading about the focus of book. 

Looking at all the feedback on this thread, I'm thinking for readers who read book 1 and were aware of both the Jo, Je, and E parts of the plot and how that book balanced the internal and external plots, the concept of this chapter could work with revisions and edits, but if I want it to be something friendly to people who have not read the series, it needs more of an overhaul or rewrite or to be a different chapter. 

 

12 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

(To be clear, I think it's a realistic response, and done well, but the question was specifically about his likability, and the response doesn't make him particularly likable)

Makes sense. :-)

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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Hey @shatteredsmooth, glad to be reading this. Because of where it is, I've sent you LBLs, which I thought would be useful.

On 18/03/2019 at 6:50 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I do have a few specific questions:

1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced? 

2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter?

3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E?

4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter? 

5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?" 

6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue? 

Please keep in mind I can't change how the magic system works since the first book is already published. I'm not going to send this whole book through the group -- I just really need fresh eyes on the opening chapter. 

1 - I think I could, yes, because the earlier stuff is clearly signposted, and explained enough that I can gloss over and accept it. Where I have issues is where things are not explained, like the sudden whiplash near the very end about absorbing energy, which comes out of nowhere. Nor did I remember seeing anything about how M's face got burnt, or who (what?) B e s s i e is (I guess dog, because of the context only.)

2 - See answer to 1. Not really. I won't really know who the character are, but can read between the lines pretty well so far.

3 - Not really. For me, M was the together one who picked up the pieces when E was falling apart after hearing the news from JD.

4 - No. You describe him as a jock, but I cannot see that in any way. In this chapter he cried, waved, was clingy and squeaked at least once. I'm not saying men shouldn't do that, but I saw nothing that underlined his masculinity, but various things that undermined what masculinity is stereotyped to be.

5 - Err, see my summation below.

6 - Yes, sort of. I thought the initial dialogue between E and M when they start sparring was poor. It wasn't so much that I didn't follow it, but that I didn't want to! :P  I've commented in detail in the  LBLs, but I thought it was massively maid-and-butler, sounded very fake and forced.

I didn't detect anything of the magic system at all. Some passing reference to energy, but otherwise it seemed to be all about hitting things and punching things.

Here comes my summary. I know I'm not done the submission yet, but I've read as much as I need to, I think. This is clearly well written. Easy to read. There are emotional hits, and some pretty good surprises. My problem is that I don't really care about any of the characters. I don't care that J is pregnant, and I'm not invested in the relationship between E and J. I enjoy E and M's interaction the most. I can see there is supernatural stuff going, but it's very much in the background and in the past (a past that I have missed out on, and which there are quite a few references to, although I find I'm not really bothered about discovering it).

You refer to it as urban fantasy, but I'm seeing very little of what I think that to be: not enough to keep me reading. I read through it quite happily, but it never grabbed me, and I would just as happily put it down and never pick it up again. I just don't think it's my kind of thing, but thanks for sharing! :) 

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11 hours ago, Robinski said:

You refer to it as urban fantasy, but I'm seeing very little of what I think that to be: not enough to keep me reading. I read through it quite happily, but it never grabbed me, and I would just as happily put it down and never pick it up again. I just don't think it's my kind of thing, but thanks for sharing! :) 

That is totally ok! Thanks for reading it anyway, because the comments are quite helpful.

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8 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

That is totally ok! Thanks for reading it anyway, because the comments are quite helpful.

And listen, I am happy to read more of it, in a critiquing capacity. I've got to assume the 'fantastical' elements will come into the story. As a first chapter of Book 2, I can totally see the need to reestablish all the characters from Book 1 before starting up the plot. So, I would keep reading at this point, but if Chapter 2 didn't kickstart the action, that's probably where I would start becoming dissatisfied. But I do enjoy your direct style, which leads me to the comment about enjoying reading, possibly in spite of a potential lack of engagement with the content.

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5 hours ago, Robinski said:

but if Chapter 2 didn't kickstart the action, that's probably where I would start becoming dissatisfied.

Ch. 2 has plenty of action. I technically could start there but I think it works better if I don't. 

 

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

And listen, I am happy to read more of it, in a critiquing capacity

Thanks! 

 

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Your Questions:

1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced?

I might be able to pick this up, depending on the next few chapters. I don't understand the magic system(s?) and would require a explanation of those somewhere later.

2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter?

 

I have no idea what will be relevant, and irrelevant later, so I can't say.

 

3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E?

 

She seems quite fine, other than she seems to be having a bad day.

 

4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter?

 

I would root for E to save him, but not as much as if I knew the character

 

5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?"

 

It has some feels, but I have a hard time becoming emontally invested in a character.

 

6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue?

“And Mi, my mom, Grandpa, Sister Ma, N, and K’s lives. That bomb was meant to take them all out. This whole mess is my fault anyway.

I-

Don’t even think it.”

 

Whose thoughts are these?

 

Notes as I go Along:

Page 2, Paragraph 4, From "if" to Bleachers": I'm confused, is N the grandmother. If so why would she summon a thunderstorm?

Page 6, Paragraph 1, “...we pretty had this conversation...” do you mean “...we pretty much had this conversation…”

Page 6, Paragraph 5 “The Hell known as…” Should hell be capitalized?

Page 6, Paragraph 5 “...all actual Hell from breaking loose…” should this be capatized as well?

 

Overall: I enjoyed the surpirzes and the world. I haven’t invested in the characters enough to sypathize with them, but as stated above I have a hard time becoming emontally invested in a character. I enjoyed the relationship between E and M the most.



Disclamer: I have not read Power Surge.

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