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TheVillageIdiot

Rule #1 – Never reveal yourself to the reader

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Rule #1: Never reveal yourself to the reader

Spoiler

A figure walked out of the great hall, clad in shining silver armor from head to toe. A symbol of knighthood. Jake grinned inside his helmet. This felt great, the first time wearing his armor as a full knight. He stood there, basking in the sunlight. It was hot today, but he didn’t care. A hand came walking up leading a large horse clad in similar shining armor. With a grin, Jake threw himself up into the saddle. He reached up and removed his helmet, letting his long yellow-gold hair flow in the gentle breeze. He glanced down as a scribe approached,

“What’s my mission fine sir?” Jake asked, his voice smooth and deep.

The scribe handed him a rolled-up parchment, that would be his official mission, “there have been some reports of mild vandalism out in Pleasantville province. The king would like you to check it out. After that, he needs you to take a tally of each and every person in the area, note how many hats each owns.”

Jake nodded, “Of course, exactly the kind of excitement I needed.” He turned his horse to go and trotted down the cobbled road.

A short time later he entered a large green forest. The sun was shining through the canopy of branches, lighting the road ahead. There was a gentle breeze that cooled the hot sun. a few birds fluttered by. The road was dirt. The grass dandy. Jake trotted down the absolutely perfect road through the perfect trees on a perfect day. He soon saw some flowers.

THAT’S IT!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! I’m sick of narrating boring stories where nothing happens! This is just another cookie cutter story. Oh look there’s a cute bunny, let’s watch it hop happily across the road!!!!! UUUUUHAHHAHAHHAHHGGGGGG!!!!! Sorry Sorry, deep breaths, iiinnnnnnn, and ooouuutttt. Ok. Look, you are probably kind of confused right now. You were in the middle of a very nice story when I interrupted you. Who am I you ask? I am the narrator. A glorified middleman, my job is to tell you what is going on. You see, each of these stories is happening in real time. I am supposed to relate the event to you, the reader. And typically, you are not even supposed to know I exist. The events are supposed to flow from me to you in a seamless transition. Well too bad. It’s not like anything interesting is happening, don’t believe me? Fine, let’s look back at the story.

Jake rode through the forest with a grin on his face, it was a great day. It was his first day as a full knight and he even got to take care of an important job. Yeah, right. Jake smiled, a tune popping into his head. He began humming, then whistling, then singing. Groan.

“I hear the birds, I see the trees

The sounds of peace surrounding mees.” Really,

            “Oh what a wonderful day!

            Life is super grea-t” Wow, that was sad.

            Not a single cloud in the sky

            My mood could not be more, good!” Jake sang loudly! That didn’t even rhyme!!!!!

Jake continued his awful singing, sounding like someone from a sappy story where animals talk.

            SEE, nothing interesting. That Jake is like a big dumb brick. Content with a happy stupid life. Sigh. Look, I’m stuck here until the story ends. Unfortunately, I can’t go anywhere until this painfully happy story comes to its final ending. But you can leave, there’s no reason for you to continue to torture yourself. Please, just close this book and go. Go talk to your friends, watch a movie, heck, go read the dictionary it’s bound to be more interesting than this.

            Are you still reading? Fine, whatever, go ahead, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Rule #2: Never skip parts of the story

Spoiler

Jake sat in the tavern sipping a wonderful mug of warm ale. He looked around the room, people were smiling pleasantly, talking quietly. A murmur of laughter came from the side of the room. Jake had reached Pleasantville after only two days of pleasant riding. He had been here for almost two months now, the vandal had not been that hard to deal with. Jake simply asked them pleasantly to stop. He sipped his ale and smiled pleasantly. The second reason he was here was more interesting. The people here had some wondrously interesting hats.

            What, I didn’t do anything. What, stop looking at me like that. Ok FINE! You’re right, I skipped two months, but trust me. You would’ve been bored. Nothing happened. Well, actually there was that one thing…UM What, never mind. Trust me it’s better this way.

            Jake raised his hand calling over an attendant. “Where might I find Wallace Drake?”

            The attendant smiled, pleasantly. “he lives in the blue house, just down the road past the red mill.”

            “Thanks,” Jake said, standing. He walked to the door and out into the street beyond. It was mostly empty with just a few pleasant people walking about. Jake turned and looked toward the large red mill. Its red peaks stood tall over the buildings around it. Handy that. Jake walked in that direction, making his way to the home of Wallace Drake.

            This dear reader is what we call a time break. (not the same as skipping part of the story).

            Jake knocked on the door of the blue house. There was no response. He knocked again. This time a short little bald man answered, “What do you want?” he asked.

            Jake blinked, the man’s tone wasn’t super pleasant, more mildly content. “I am Sir Jake Lauder, and I am here by order of the king. I am to count your hat sir.”

            Wallace smiled a thin smile, “of course, right this way.” He led Jake into a room in the house. The walls were lined with hats, hats of every shape and color.

            Jake whistled, “That’s one good collection of hats.” As if that’s something to be proud of.

            “I’ve been collecting them for most of my life. And I yadda yadda yadda hats hats hats.” Yeah I know. I going to fast forward now, get over it.

            Now let’s see, hats, hats. Jake, Wallace, Jake and Wallace’s wearing hats, that red hat, Wallace being arrested for owning illegal hats, Jake… WAIT, back up. Wallace was arrested! YESYESYES! Conflict! Just what this story needed.

            “looks like we caught you red hatted.” Shoot, started on a pun.

            “I’ve never seen that hat before, I swear!”

            Jake smiled “You sure?”

            “I’d stake my life on it!”

            Jake smiled pleasantly. “Then I guess you’re free to go.” WHAT!!!!!!!! That’s it!??!? That guy’s obviously lying! NO NO NO NO NO! This is not ok. That guy should be arrested. Heck he should be shot, it’d give this stor

            BANG!!!!!!

            What was that…

            Wallace’s body lay face down on the ground, blood pooling around him. A ragged hole in his back.

 
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Rule #3 Never Change the story

Spoiler

Coming soon. :)

 

 

Edited by TheVillageIdiot
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You know, @TheVillageIdiot , this is actually a fantastic story idea. Having the Narrator freak out. I can see this getting very deep. The main character is really the unnamed Narrator, but the story is interesting too. I'd like to play with that idea unless you want to tackle it yourself. 

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