Blessed peace

King of prophecy. Part 1 (2776)

12 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hi, all.

this is my first pice i think is kind of good. But tell me please, A. are you interested? B. how are the characters? And C. waht is your feeling of the city?
And of course what's wrong with it.
 
Edited by Blessed peace
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Welcome to Reading Excuses!
First off, it always takes courage to put something out in front of people, so well done! Developing a thick skin is useful in relation to critiques. We're all here to help, so although most of my comments here are negative, I'm noting the places where I think you can make it a better story--hopefully it will help you out. Here goes.

Overall, there are bones of some good character interactions in here, but I think it needs some more development before it gets there. I don't really know anything about the plot yet.

To your questions:
a) I have to say, I'm not really interested yet, simply because I have no idea what's going on. Some people are discussing religions I'm not familiar with in a bar, and then some of the people go on a walk to their inn afterward and talk about magic. There's nothing really to hook me in yet.

b ) The characters are not really unique so far, except for Ranar, as he asks a bunch of pointed questions. I don't know anything about the two other characters in the first part, except that they have different religions. If you include some descriptions with the characters or something else to tie them to a certain feature, it would be easier to remember them.

c) I'm not really sure why this is a question. Is the city going to play a big part in the story? Right now all I know is that it has bars and inns, which isn't anything unique.

also, there's quite a bit of grammar and sentence structure problems. This could probably go through another read through.


Notes while reading
pg 1: The sixth paragraph is pretty awkward, and is also the first hint of any action.
"flared  his  temper  as  if  it  had  a  will  of  its  own"
--I'm not really sure what this means.
"last  comment  was  a  well-traveled  path  the  ruts  so  deep  they  were  leading  like  reins"
--Also not really sure what this means. especially why it would anger him if it's a common comment?

End of page 1: I guess there's a religious debate in the city? And not a lot of people leave? I'm not really sure what's going on yet.

pg 2: "bursted  in  anger"
--"bursted" isn't a word.

pg 3: "His  name  is  -  don’t  smile"
--Is his name supposed to be funny? I think I missed it.
--edit: okay, you do start to explain this, but then never actually say what it means. I feel like I'm still missing a joke.

End of page 3: There's a break here, and I think you're changing POVs, but I don't really know which character is which. There aren't a lot of descriptors for the characters except that one of them has a beard, and now I can't remember who it is. Maybe Ranar?

Pg 4: I guess the joke is that Atu's name means peace? Still don't get it.

pg 5: "Or  maybe  a  rock"
--I had to read this several times. Do you mean "rook," the chess piece?

pg 6: the banter about healing is pretty good, but at this point I'm not sure where any of this is going.
 

Edited by Mandamon
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello and welcome to Reading Excuses! Also congratulations on submitting your first work for critique! It's never easy to take that first step into review. :) 
 
Just one quick formatting note, I see it looks like you have put two spaces between each word in your piece. Normally, the "double spacing" requirement in most submissions guidelines (including ours) means double the usual amount of the empty space between each line of text on the page. For people like me who have trouble reading on the screen, double spacing between lines of text is massively helpful, plus it's a good habit to get into if you ever intend to submit work to a publisher.
 
If you've never encountered that requirement before, it can certainly seem confusing and labor-heavy! Fortunately, almost all the word processing programs I know of have easy ways to double-space the lines of text in your document. Here are a few tutorials if you need a guide:
 
MSWord: From support.office.com and from a different site ; 
WordPad: From WikiHow ;
GoogleDocs: From support.google.com and from WikiHow ;
Apple (* -- I don't actually have a mac so I can't verify these instructions. They look right though) from support.apple.com  ;
Adobe inDesign: (* -- again, I don't have inDesign, so I'm mostly guessing. Seems decent, though) from forums.adobe.com . 
 
Anyway, on to the real critique:
 
Overall, I think there's a good basis for a story here. I enjoyed the way the story introduced the Chosen One from a different angle and was interested in why the Prophesy pair were in the city. However, there are a great many tense shifts and grammar issues that made it difficult for me to get invested in the story. I also had trouble keeping track of what was going on when the POV shifted, and during some of the dialogue exchanges. Like @Mandamon, I was a little confused as to what the purpose of the story (was it a chapter?) by the end -- it didn't seem to go anywhere, and the shift away from Y and A to the Prophesy pair made me feel confused as to who were the actual protagonists. 
 
To answer your questions
 
A/B: Interest and Characters -- Overall, I was minorly interested. I thought Y and A had far more personality and more interesting interactions than the Prophesy pair (I keep calling them that because I'm having a hard time distinguishing between them and remembering their names), though I do like how grumpy the Chosen One was. The grammar and language usage issues, and lack of focus kept me from being fully engaged, however, and even with Y and A, the lack of descriptions made the whole thing feel sort of disconnected and floaty for me.
 
C: The city -- I don't have any real feelings for the city right now because I know nothing about it. For me, just from the text, all I know is that it's a city, it's old, and it has an inn or two. I would need a lot more description and character observations to form any opinion of my own about it. 
 
Again, welcome, and I just want to reiterate that I think there's the bones of a really neat story here. Don't get discouraged and I look forward to your next sub!
 
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sadly I'm on mobile so it will be short it's half a thing.

but i have something that might help people understand. 

The ting i was most scared of was, in fact that there are not enough description. So thats that.

Onward, these are not excuses but explanations.

I'm not native to English, nither had i ever formal education in it, so my grammar is off and I know it.

Anyway, thank you @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon.

Do i at least use the comma right?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Blessed peace said:

I'm not native to English, nither had i ever formal education in it, so my grammar is off and I know it.

I was wondering if that might have been the issue. So again, don't be discouraged! Writing anything in a non-native language is super difficult, and while it does need work, it's not a bad start by any measure. I studied German for eight years and I know, even at my best, I couldn't have done a story this well in that language. Improvements come with practice, though, so the best thing to do is just keep at it.

It might be worthwhile, if you haven't already, to look up some ESL/ELL resources on the internet (ESL is English as a Second Language, and ELL is English Language Learner. Sometimes you also see EFL, English as a Foreign Language). Honestly, I think most of it you will find you already know, but if you look for things like "present vs past tense" or anything about verb tenses and point of view (POV) in general, I think it will be helpful. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey hey, welcome to RE, and congratulations on your first sub! 

Overall

This is a good place to start, but it needs some work. The big items missing right now are: 1) character buy-in; 2) inciting incident; 3) through line. I saw from above that English isn't your first language so well done, because there is no way I could write a story this well in any of the other languages I know. 

Grammar and spelling aside, I think it just needs a few more passes for basic structure, as indicated above. Regarding your question about the city, I can't really answer it because I don't know enough about it. I'd like to be more invested in the characters because I really enjoy religions and religious debate, but I can't seem to parse the reasons behind their arguments.

So maybe another pass or two and then send it back through? Well done on submitting, regardless. It takes a lot of courage!

 

As I go

- there are a lot of tense changes throughout this document

- the leading paragraph doesn't have much of a hook. It might be worth asking yourself, what makes this story stand out? How is it different from any other bar/tavern story in a medieval setting? How can I best hook the reader? What is the inciting incident?

- pg 2: I'm not following any of the dialogue because I don't yet have any character buy-in. I need more world sense and why I care about the characters before I'll get too into arguments, especially about made up religions

- pg 5: I'm still not sure where this story is going or anything about the characters

- pg 5: generally, although especially on this page, the dialogue reads really stilted. Also all the characters appear to speak with the same 'voice'

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ho, heed me all who live, hearken to my words all sentients, for I am the emissary of the One.

Gather and listen to the tale of the beginning, for before all was the One, and after all shall he endure, and all that is - is him. There is none but the One, no mind nor wisdom, no time nor place, No existence.

Will that kind thing hook you? @kais

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thoughts As I Go:

Pg. 1 – It takes a while to find out what a ‘night like that’ is

Pg. 1 – I see you enjoy using the exclamation mark mid-sentence. It’s not often that technique is seen this side of the millennium.

Pg. 1 – Is this supposed to be a friendly discussion, or more of an old rivalry? I can’t get a good vibe on either.

Pg. 2 – It’s a bit disjointed, to be sure, but the priest’s introduction is alright.

Pg. 2 – R’s name is a palindrome. Huh.

Pg. 4 – R claims the beer was good. But the introduction states otherwise. Does R just have that bad of a taste?

Pg. 5 – Rook, not rock, assuming this is chess. This would make the setting Medieval Europe.

Pg. 5 – ‘Guy trying to mug him.’ Guy is modern English, something like ‘vagabond’ would better suit the piece.

Overall:

I find this to be interesting, and at the least I’d read a few chapters further. I do like the routine that R and P have, though the city has done nothing to capture my interest, except for an oddly named tavern. The beginning was a false start, as R appears to be the main character, and Y and A serve nothing to introduce him, but if they aren’t going to be characters, you might consider rewriting that segment from R’s perspective as well, to avoid giving the readers false impressions.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They are going to be characters, they are both friends and their religions contradict, so they decided to not talk about it, the stress brings out their bad sdie.

I fix it some, if it will not work I'll change the PoV.

And this is not the regular medievil European setting.

yesthe rock/rook thing is like chess.

About the bar, the beer is good, but the establishment is Unreputable as well the part of the city it's in is not the best.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, so a brief reaction based on the first page (I'm sorry, I haven't read through your content in its entirety yet, hoping to get to it later today):

Your paragraphs are short, almost slide-like. I'm finding them jarring and hard to follow. You spend a lot of time telling us what is happening, but not showing us. Case in point at the beginning:

Quote

Taverns tend to be full, especially at night times, but at nights like that… well, you were lucky to get in. The Olive was not the best place to drink, but in a night like that nowhere was.

What made this night stand out was not the weather, nor was it any holyday - though in a city sacred to all seven gods these were not want - it was a night of overcast sky, from smoke that is. At that night war loomed over the denizens of this greatest of cities.

The crowd at The Olive was mixed of regulars and those who came to drown in ale and beer, lest reality and the fear it brought will catch them. Conversations and arguments were abundant and quiet.

Aster sat by his regular table with his usual drinking companions Yalleg was droning on and on, state affairs, conscripting orders from the king. Rounding stars! but the man could bubble.

You start with the tavern, jump to the night, then jump to the crowd at the tavern, then suddenly we're on a first name basis with Aster and Yalleg, but with no idea who they are. Perhaps this gets explained later, like I said, this is a brief reaction.

NOTE: I will come back and edit this once I've read more, but since I'm at a computer I have to jot down my notes as I have them, or else I won't remember what I'm thinking, or have to reread what I've already read.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there!

I think it's pretty good writing for a non-native writer. That said, the grammar mistakes did make it hard to get into the story.

A. are you interested?

I'm minorly interested. I'm interested in the characters and what a bunch of priests and religious figures might be doing in a city, and what kind of story would develop in such a place. There were also many tense shifts and POV changes, I was fairly confused about what was going on. 

B. how are the characters?

I liked the banter and interaction between the characters, even though I rather lost track of who was speaking and since so many were introduced a one, the details about them. Their dialogue itself was fairly interesting, flowed pretty well and was easy to digest.

I couldn't decide who I was meant to be following, or figure out whose story it was. One thing you might want to consider is to add some movement in between their dialogue and changing some paragraphs. Because how it seemed to me was that the characters exited the Olive, talked and got attacked in the same spot, talked some more and suddenly found themselves in front of their inn.

Actually, I liked the last 3 paragraphs and the doorkeeper the most. The contrast between her role and her actions make for an interesting character and her I think I'd love to read more about. 

 C. what is your feeling of the city?

Not much description about it, so intrigued but can't say much about it.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/7/2019 at 4:33 PM, Blessed peace said:

Will that kind thing hook you?

No, because I'm missing buy-in. In order for that kind of wording to work, I need to care about who is saying it and why they are saying it. Although I do love religion in my fantasy and sci fi so the right elements are there, I just need more of a hook.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.