akoebel

August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9

2 posts in this topic

I'm re-creating this topic since we can't access the one you created at TWG.

Note that I haven't read the previous comments on this chapter.

I liked this chapter, mostly because it showed different viewpoints. I loved seeing Rook-Sha and Pate in action and see how Albione is important to their plans.

Only a couple of remarks here :

* In the first paragraph, Rook-Sha is caressing a pillow on one hand and tapping her finger on the other hand. The two didn't seem to indicate a similar state of mind, as tapping her finger would indicate impatience and fondling a pillow anything but impatience.

* The fact that Albione forgets his prayer beads seemed more like a plot device than anything else. I could only see the writer's hand at work here pushing his character into another path. I think this stems from the passive nature of the main character : you can feel that nothing will happen if you leave him to his own devices.

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This is well late, but I thought I'd add a few thoughts.

First, I also enjoyed seeing the different perspectives, if only for a little bit.

I'm not sure what the point of the section with Rane is. Does it connect to something in earlier chapters, or later in the book? Right now, all it does is show Albione reconnecting with his life, even a small step, where the rest of the chapter shows him being driven further and further away. Also, there are hints of conflict in the section, but very little actual conflict by the end of that section. As it stands now, it seems out of place, and possibly extraneous.

The prayer beads. I haven't read all of your previous chapters, you might recall, but I don't recall the beads being necessary brought out in the previous chapters. Also, it isn't clearly noted that he forgot the beads in this section -- he steps forward and lays a hand on her, but the other hand isn't mentioned, unless it's still holding the coin. I think it would be a stronger scene if the reader can realize how he is messing up, possibly just before Albione himself does. In addition, it would be better to have more understanding from Albione's perspective why he might have forgotten the beads. He'd been up all night, right? Maybe show his thoughts jumping all over the place as he tries to concentrate, or something.

On the other hand, his concern for the woman first helps keep me interested in him.

Is everything the High Priestess says about the future a prophecy? I don't recall the exact circumstances, but she reassured Albione while dining with him, correct? Would Superior Pate automatically assume she had spoken prophecy, or question Albione on whether it was perhaps a reassurance offered to a younger member of the church instead?

I'm slightly surprised that Superior Pate believed Albione to be losing faith so easily. Surely others have bouts of questioning as well? It may well be enough to go to the high priestess still, but it seems extreme unless Pate had been let in on Albione's importance, which I don't recall being the case.

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