akoebel

08/15/11 - SkyhunterCommander - Untitled Sci-fi Epic Chapter 9

4 posts in this topic

Since the original topic is now lost in the TWG archives, I'm recreating a post.

I don't know what the others said about this chapter, since I always read comments after reading the submission, so I'm not biased by other comments while I'm reading. Sorry if all I'm saying has been told ten times before.

The 31 pages read at a reasonably good pace and are interesting all along.

My main issue is about Darkclaw's emotional flashes where you're telling too much. The last one is a particularly good example : you're telling us that he feels anger, but you don't show it. I would have loved you to describe his emotions so we could know exactly what he was feeling. That would have been neat.

My minor complaints will be few :

* The Snevan talking is VERY hard to read. It came to a point where I wanted them to just shut up because their speech slowed down my reading too much, which was kinda frustrating.

* It doesn't make sense for the Alliance to attack a world that hasn't entered the war when they already lost several systems to an unknown enemy. They need to increase their mobilisation, gather more intelligence, and maybe attempt to retake what they have lost. Opening a new war front is not the sane thing to do, even if you suspect that the one you're attacking will join your opposition. Even if you're succesful, you're spreading yourself thin, and as such are much more vulnerable.

* The Alliance attack was foiled a little too easily : all it took was a few isolated ships destroyed for them to turn tail. I would have loved a little more space-fighting. Someone described one day capital ships space fighting as the equivalent of a boxing match where you pummel your opponent and get multiple hits yourself until one of you is too weakened and makes a mistake which sends him to the floor. This alliance attack felt like a KO punch ten seconds after the beginning of the match : your viewers (readers in your case) can't be satisfied with so little action.

Aside from that, nice chapter!

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Thanks for the feedback-and for recreating this thread.

I understand your feelings about Darkclaw's emotion flashes at this point. I'm still working out how exactly to show them at this point-where he does not fully recognize the emotions he feels. As they progress though, he will recognize the feelings (or will have the feeling before realizing that he is feeling anything). I should have an easier time showing that, I think. (That begins in chapter 10, I think. Hopefully I'll be able to finish it at some point soon.)

About the Snevans, with your feedback now opinions are at a deadlock-two feeling that their dialogue was fine, two finding it irritating. As of now, I think I will keep it in, mainly because I'm pretty sure that this chapter was where they speak the most-later on it will only be a little bit here and there.

In the next Dalcon chapter, which I believe is chapter 11, we will learn more about the Galactic Alliance's reasoning behind the attacks. What I will say now, however, is that I am aware that the Galactic Alliance's actions here do not make complete sense, and there is a reason.

The battle scene probably will get changed a bit-at the last minute I decided to have Darkclaw arrive during, rather than after, the battle, so it probably can use some work. However, I intended for him to arrive at a point where the battle was already pretty far along, and the Alliance attack was already faltering a bit, since I didn't want it to go on for too long. That may not have been clear enough, though.

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My brief thoughts after catching up and reading this...

I'm surprised that there is no communication, even with a battle going on. Two possible reasons occur to me for this; either everyone who might take a transmission is occupied with the attack, or the battle disrupts the communications somehow. If it's the first, I would expect that there would at least be one person noticing and taking calls, or the equivalent of an answering machine, to let them know that others can't make it. For the second, wouldn't that be detectible? Or do the calls routinely fail without knowing why?

A minor thing; Darkclaw says he will not repeat himself, then immediately repeats himself (about being the one to speak with the Snevans.

Speaking of the Snevans, I did find the accent hard to read. Fortunately, there wasn't a lot, but in one section it got annoying. It might be more tolerable if only some vowels were shown as drawn out, instead of nearly all of them.

It seemed like Darkclaw gave up pursuit of the fleeing alliance ships. Was he no longer worried about discovery? Now that I think about it after reading, I wonder why he wasn't worried about discovery the moment they saw the alliance ships fighting. Also, if he thinks they have a chance at a decisive victory now that he and the Felinaris are present, he would probably want to eliminate as many alliance ships as he could.

I questioned that Darkclaw couldn't plan anything on the trip to see the Snevans. He may not be able to predict what is likely, but that just means having plans for a few varied possibilities.

The martial aspect of the Snevans was well done, I thought. As was Darkclaw's impatience. This was good even through the minor planning session.

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Thanks for taking the time to leave comments. Unfortunately, school is taking up more of my time than it has a right to. Hopefully things will settle a bit in the next couple weeks so I can resume regular commenting and writing.

I think it's great that you all notice the little inconsistencies, which I never would catch on my own. It should make revision easier, with a nice list of inconsistencies I need to address. Of course, I need to finish the thing first...

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