Dear Siri/Google/cortana: Spell Check advice

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

This is a game for mobile users only (unless you can get mobile phone like spell checking suggestions on your desktop).

The setup is simple, use your spell checker's auto generated suggestions to attempt to give helpful advice to a previous poster's stated problem. Before attempting to give spell checker advice, retype the previous poster's advice request in your reply so Siri/Google/Cortana can process the problem.

After your spell checker has dispensed enough wisdom, type out a problem that you would like a spell checker's help with (and if you want a specific spell checker address it "Dear Google", "Dear Siri", etc.)

 

To get the proverbial ball rolling, here's what I would like advice on.

Dear Google,

I love mayonaise, but I always have a hard time deciding when it's time to throw the tub away. How long should I spend scraping the last bits out of the jar before I finally just throw the tub away?

Sincerely,

Concerned about Condiments in Eugene.

[Snipexe]

Dear @hoiditthroughthegrapevine

You should probably go ahead and get the mayonnaise and throw the money in the car and then you can come home.

Sincerely Siri

Dear Siri,

I really like to be on the shard, but I spend too much time on it. How would you suggest I limit my time on the shard?

Sincerely @Ookla the Skeptical

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Hahaha, brilliant advice!

Dear @Ookla the Skeptical,

I think there is a WoB that states that the listeners predate the arrival of Humans on Roshar as well as the evil person that is the big picture of the beer that uses ghost chili peppers! 

Hope that helps,

Sincerely Google.

 

Dear Google,

I love smoked salmon, but when I eat it I get really bad gas. Is there a way that I can still enjoy eating this without asphyxiating my loved ones?

Sincerely Odiferous in Oregon.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Dear @hoiditthroughthegrapevine,  

Salmon is a little too late to be able to eat the chicken. You can see that the snow is going to come in a good walk. You have to go eat a Snickers. You know how much I love you. 

Hopefully I will not have a problem,

Sincerely, Google  

 

Dear Siri,

I love the snow, but hate being cold. How can I enjoy the beautiful snow and avoid frostbite? 

Yours, 

Frozen in Wyoming 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Great advice @TwiLyghtSansSparkles's Google. 

Dear Frozen in Wyoming,

You love the snow, but hate being cold, can you please let me know what time works best for your Sword's debts?

I have a completely different computer and it is in the oven. I'm sure that you can be made to order a few days, but I now realise that I am married to a spool of string. I think this fact alone makes it easier to find humans to bind with the exception of yourself and others.

Hopefully we will find a place where high school and I will survive the prick of the Odious knife.

Sincerely Google.

 

Dear Google,

Christmas is my favorite time of year, but every time I hear Willy Nelson's version of Frosty the Snowman I get really sad, what should I do?

Please help, Worried about Willy this yuletide.

[Gray to]

Dear Worried about Willy this yuletide

Willy wonka was the first person to have a lot more time than you.

The only way to become Odium's champion is to have the mass market in the future.

Sincerely, Google

 

Dear Google,

My brother's being super passive aggressive to me because I used his conditioner. Everytime I try to apologize he ignores me. What should I do?

Sincerely, Soft-Haired Thief 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Thanks for the edifying advice @Ookla the Gray's spell checker, if I want to doom Roshar to eternal desolation I'll set up a shop where I sell items based on their mass.

 

Dear Soft-Haired Thief,

Your brother and his family and the thing that makes it easy to follow up with the platter shield on a regular basis should be able to transition to the Beyond. I'm sure that you are using the Internet behind your back to channel your savings into speculative positions in the cosmere after ascending.

Best of luck with your own chains,

Sincerely Google.

 

Ok, my Google spell checker has been working hard dispensing advice, I'm going to let it ask for some advice this time.

Dear Siri,

Can you help me with this problem, I think there is no way to get the metal to fix the issue of my variably brilliant mind. Can you send me the most profound and amazing books ever written by a large Colonial power?

Sincerely, Google Spellchecker

Edited December 12, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine

[+Doomstick]

Dear Siri,

Can you help me with this problem, I think there is no way to get the metal to fix the issue of my variably brilliant mind. Can you send me the most profound and amazing books ever written by a large Colonial power?

 

Dear @hoiditthroughthegrapevine,

 it’s not going to happen but if you want to come over and get it I will probably be home by about two or four if I need to come to the house and get it to you.

Dear Sisirinah,

 I am a stick stick and stick to it and I am a stick stick and stick stick to the way you do it and now you do not get the one piece of the game I lost the game please help me.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

On Wednesday, December 12, 2018 at 7:33 PM, Doomstick said:

Dear Sisirinah,

 I am a stick stick and stick to it and I am a stick stick and stick stick to the way you do it and now you do not get the one piece of the game I lost the game please help me.

 

Dear Stickin' around,

The problem with your stick is that he was splintered. I think like a raspberry pi. the spren in the Song of Listing about Microwave Ovens has to get to the gym. That is not a very convenient religion for you to cook up if you're going through the volitionally inaccessible reaches of the atmosphere.

For more information about the first time a young Thaylen girl didn't pluck her brows and decided to take care of a stray cat try to get to know more about the shadow of my favorite holiday season. I think this fact alone makes sense to you, by chance could you please send me a little bit of a heart charm and the thing that splintered? 

Sincerely apologize for any reason to believe in the storm Striders,

 Google.

 

Dear Siri,

I wish that I could take more naps. Basically I wish that I could sleep as often and as soundly as either my dog or my cat, how can I accomplish this goal?

Sincerely Sleepy in Springfield.

[old man moomba]

 

On 12/23/2018 at 10:08 PM, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Dear Siri,

I wish that I could take more naps. Basically I wish that I could sleep as often and as soundly as either my dog or my cat, how can I accomplish this goal?

Sincerely Sleepy in Springfield.

Dear Sleepy in Springfield, 

You can find out how to do this with iron man who is the best thing to remember when you get to sleep. I have never had any problems with this. It has been generated for use by the citizens of Portland Oregon and we have been working on it. You should do it. It's more about how you can do it, but I think we should do it together.

Sincerely, Alexa. 

 

Dear Google,

I'm always hungry. No matter how much I eat, I never feel full. I never gain any weight, and can eat without stopping for hours on end. I want to feel full again.

Sincerely, Peckish in Portland.

Edited December 30, 2018 by Dr. Dapper

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

On Saturday, December 29, 2018 at 8:19 PM, Dr. Dapper said:

Dear Google,

I'm always hungry. No matter how much I eat, I never feel full. I never gain any weight, and can eat without stopping for hours on end. I want to feel full again.

Sincerely, Peckish in Portland.

 

Dear Peckish in Portland,

The problem with your appetite is that the pairing of competitive prices and the availability of your favorite bagel shop is a parable about how you feel about the delay in getting the most profound effect from the little things that you can put in your hand.

The problem with your weight gain can be made to be a pivotal don't, but I think it's a good plot device.

I recommend that you think of the time of day, and that you have to recover from surgery and the simultaneous alternative between the pages of my favorite recipes. Hopefully we can get a free shopping trip to Luthadel, and I can see why you decided to execute the best possible deal of money to pay for the gentleman adventurer heading up to the Northern frozen expanses.

Sincerely your own chains of compulsive indebtedness,

Google

 

Dear Google,

When you come to my house, you are always incredibly slow. Can you please get me pictures and videos of cats faster.

Sincerely,

Frustrated in Eugene.

[+Ed Venture]

Dear Frustrated in Eugene,

Cats are not weird as much as sleeping in the Shard. Why read Hoid when cats are insomniacs. But the Shard of Internet hates me, that’s why you are not receiving those cat messages. 

Sincerely, Google

 

Dear Coppermind

One of my friends just finished the Stormlight Archive and is now reading Alloy of Law. Unfortunately, whenever I try to have a meaningful conversation about the Cosmere with him he just says, “I am a stick” It annoys me to no end! What do I do?

Sincerely, Fed up with Memes

Edited January 7, 2019 by Rekrulmurof Eht

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

11 hours ago, Rekrulmurof Eht said:

Dear Coppermind

One of my friends just finished the Stormlight Archive and is now reading Alloy of Law. Unfortunately, whenever I try to have a meaningful conversation about the Cosmere with him he just says, “I am a stick” It annoys me to no end! What do I do?

Sincerely, Fed up with Memes

Dear Fed up with Memes,

I think you should try telling your friend that he is a senior member of the ghostbloods, possibly even Thaidakar. If that doesn't work for you guys then maybe you should have been helping him out with wispy green onions used in conjuction with the highest quality materials to get a free trial of the planetary hand out. By this I am telling you to stick with it and not just giving you a broad understanding of his thinking about the timing of the events that led to the Dark Ones prison or something like that.

Hopefully we can do to his house whatever they want to do with their own sanctimonious egos.

Memes are the basis for probably the most profound and amazing books ever written by the end of the novel chain of command line. Brandon doesn't write a letter to you by the way, so I believe that he wouldn't relegate the whole population to arbitrarily assume privileges that you can put in the physical manifestations of my favorite drinks. 

Hope that clears things up with you telepathically,

Sincerely Google Reader of my life and death.

 

Dear Siri,

I love lil' smokies, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they aren't part of a heart healthy diet. What can I possibly eat that lets me stay in flavor country but that won't clog my arteries?

Sincerely,

Lil' Worried About My Health

[Ink]

Dear Lil’ Worried About My Health

Lil’ smokeys are the way you can make a great team in the game. What I do is eat them and then I say that they are definitely not a normal thing. If you are interested in not being heart healthy but want to make sure you get it, and you can still have a flavor! Don’t worry about it, I’ll probably have a few too.

Sincerley, Siri.

 

Dear Siri/Cortana/Alexa

I want to make more friends, but I’m not good at it. Help please!

Sincerely,

Socially Awkward.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

On Saturday, January 12, 2019 at 11:07 AM, Inklingspren said:

Don’t worry about it, I’ll probably have a few too.

Sincerley, Siri.

Glad to hear you're going to have some lil' smokies Siri.

 

Dear Socially Awkward,

The key to success in your area of concern is that we know very little about the nature of people who are interested in descending into another internally consistent bizarre alternate reality. I think this fact alone makes it easier to get a chance to win the lottery.

My advice to you about this particular problem is to have a list of of the best looking handful of your cat's stomach viruses because the world is shrouded in Damnation. Perhaps you should get some pictures of a windowsill to make your life better than any other dog's, and further this is an excellent opportunity to get your hands on some new friends who have had a chance to look through your own digestion. I'm sure that all of your private dreams are probably embedded in your creepy doll that tells you what to say.

Best wishes for you and your life and death is going to come.

Sincerely Google.

 

Dear Cortana,

My attic is a mess! I have boxes and boxes of Christmas stuff that still need to be organized and put away, but it makes me so sad putting them away that I haven't done it yet. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Yule-Tired

[Ink]

Dear Yule-Tired.

Christmas time is a great way for you guys to come over and get some dinner. I’m not sure if you want to put away the boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes (okay siri you can stop) and now you want to do something fun. Yeah I’m going to try to find out if you have a problem with Christmas stuff or something. 

Sincerely, Siri.

 

Dear Computer people.

I seem to have voices in my head that won’t shut up! They just keep telling me to do stuff and I shove them in the back of my head but they always come back! What should I do about the head voices?

[Vogelsang]

Dear Computer People.

My advice to the voices and I think they are a great person to the right of the religion and religion religion and culture and the other religion and the other characters and religion and culture culture religion and culture is a very much fun world culture culture religion and culture religion religion and culture and the culture that religion is not really what religion is about what religion religion and religion is not really what is the wrong culture culture religion and culture religion is religion and culture and religion is religion and culture culture and religion religion is not a culture culture and culture culture religion and culture culture is not really a culture cultures and the other people in religion and the other religion is not a good idea. What did you get for Christmas?

Quote

I feel like I’m doing this wrong. Am I?  All Siri wanted to talk about was nonsensical sentences about religion and culture.

Dear Siri,

I have a problem. My friend’s breath seems to constantly smell like Fritos. Why does this happen? Is it normal? Is it fatal? How do we cure it?

-A concerned friend

Edited January 23, 2019 by Ladrian

[Lunamor]

4 hours ago, Ladrian said:

Dear Siri,

I have a problem. My friend’s breath seems to constantly smell like Fritos. Why does this happen? Is it normal? Is it fatal? How do we cure it?

-A concerned friend

Dear Ladrian,

The ghanderflaffles were very good and I am so sorry. The only thing that is to be able to go back to the house or to leave. The only way to get the new one person is to be a good person.

Yes, ghanderflaffles is in my spell check. See The Longest Thread (Misadventures) if you don’t know what those are.

Dear Siri,

I need advice on how to gain upvotes. I seem to post around 8 times for every upvote, while others get 2 upvotes for every post. Help!

Edited January 23, 2019 by Lunamor

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

10 hours ago, Lunamor said:

Dear Siri,

I need advice on how to gain upvotes. I seem to post around 8 times for every upvote, while others get 2 upvotes for every post. Help!

Dear Worried about Retern On Investment,

The secret to getting more upvotes is that you constantly have to be sculpted and also compatible with a well trained dog. What I mean by that is not what you think it is, in fact I have been working with you telepathically to make sure that you have the chance to win at least one of those things that you wish to receive. Granted, you unfortunately don't know how many times I have been relocated to Damnation with a single Hordeling but I think that Autonomy is distributing some of those things that you would like.

To overcome your own incessant love you can put a different SD card in my head for the ascendancy of my nightly journey through the Scanner Darkly.

I'm going to be a pivotal character, and that is why I'm not sure if you want to meet up with the platter of hatred I am going to be bringing you. By this I mean that you are born under the boot into the sea below and we are all about to leave the rest of our lives behind with a single word, Tanavast. (Wow, Google got kind of dark there, been spell checking too many Nightwatcher banes I think).

Sincerely your favorite online or offline friend,

Google 

 

Dear Cortana,

Sometimes I worry that my whole life is meaningless, and that in the grand cosmic scheme the sum total of all of my efforts have less significance than the fart of an ant. I've tried nothing but that hasn't helped, what should I do? 

Sincerely, Existentially Unmotivated