20140512 - andyk - Fire in the Blood ch.9 (V)

[andyk]

Previously:

Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household.

Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus doesn't like Rome.

Cadmia and Varus have a fractious relationship, not least because Murena seems happier talking to Varus than to his own daughter. 

The household is facing many challenges. Their house has been cursed. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Murena's wife, Livia, has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama. 

In the last chapter, Cadmia and Varus discovered that Livius Dama may be involved with the attack against Cadmia.

 

I look forward to reading your comments, and in particular whether this starts to deliver the much-needed pay-off several people have mentioned.

 

[Mandamon]

Good action in this chapter, and it's nice and short as well.  I like the multiple viewpoint, giving both sides to the conflict.  Also got some much-needed progress on everyone's arcs.

 

Is this the first time Cadmia's seen Varus berserk--to realize he's blessed by Mars?  I thought there was a barfight earlier she'd seen, but maybe she wasn't there.  Cadmia also got a gift from Jupiter to shoot lightning.  I would have liked to see what bargaining was needed for that.  Still a bit unclear on what all is needed to gain a gift from a god.  Are they jealous of other gods, so that one has to be careful how many and what gifts they have?

 

I didn't have much reaction to Murena losing his wife, so his revelation that he couldn't protect anyone didn't make much impact on me.  If you intend this to be a more emotional plot point, you might need some more setup earlier to help the reader feel what Murena's feeling.  I think I had this same problem when she left with Dama--that I didn't really care.  I have much more interest in Varus losing himself in the red mist--understandable, since he's one of the main characters.  I'm interested in his story.  So I think the juxtaposition of the two actually shows how little impact Livia's death has.  Since we're not in either one's head, Livia and Murena's problems come across as something in the background, even in Cadmia's POV.

 

I'm interested to see what happens after this, now that Cadmia has some inclination of Varus' potential.  Also wondering what Murena will be doing, but with his current objective rather finally crushed, it seems like he's at a dead end (pardon the pun).

[andyk]

I think one of the big things I'll need to do is go back and build up the positives of Murena's life, including his relationship with Livia, before things hit the fan. It's clear from the feedback on previous chapters that I need that for the emotional impact, and I think a couple of small scenes could make all the difference. Might need to adjust Cadmia's relationship with Livia too - if she has more positive feelings towards her then that might help here.

 

I'll also work on clarifying the bargaining when I go back. I think it was a bit vague in my head when I started writing, and that's repeatedly showing as a weakness. I've got a better idea now, but haven't fitted in enough explanation (bad worldbuilder, no biscuit) - but that's probably something for edits on earlier chapters, not to to crowbar in an explanation nearly a third of the way through the book.

 

And after the call for more to happen last week I'm glad this has you interested in what happens next. I'd be interested to know what your expectations are.

[Robinski]

I really enjoyed this chapter, it’s exactly what I was hoping for. I think the timing of delivering the punch was good, leading us into the chapter with a convincing meeting, an emotional outburst, things that work well on their own (I think) and deflect the reader’s attention from the possibility of ambush and conflict until Varus has the thought.

 

I agree that the multiple viewpoints work well, adding a sense of urgency and confusion to the situation. Mandamon also makes a good point about Livia’s death – not something I considered on reading, I think because I was caught up in the fight and its aftermath.

 

And dropped in among the wreckage of the encounter is a genuinely touching and surprising moment, when Cadmia thanks Varus – I’m very keen to see how events play out, especially the possibility of a change in the relationship between Cadmia and Varus – actually challenging her world view – which is very interesting.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Page 1 – I like that you lead with dialogue, bringing us straight into events without preamble.

 

Page 4 – I think the sentence ‘This was what Varus knew, the place where he lived to the utmost.’ would have more impact if it ended on ‘lived’.

 

Page 4 – The paragraph ‘Not me you fools...’ bothered me. Why would he pause in a protection spell to urge someone not to attack him – counterintuitive to the max.

 

Page 5 – ...and there it is, the punch-line that I’ve been hoping for, and it’s a doozy. Surprising yet inevitable, and very satisfying – as I start to think about it though, I realise that I'm a bit confused. Does this relate to the torc? It surely doesn’t relate to the curse from the priest, does it?

 

Page 6 – How is his being covered in blood ever a good sign? His awareness of it means he’s still alive, of course, but that’s a rather abstract conclusion. Taken at face value, I thought it implied a certainly bloodthirstiness on Varus’ part which doesn’t seem a part of his character.

 

Page 6 – Among all the powerful images and passages, ‘the ruin of her dress’ is an incredibly powerful phrase.

 

Page 6 – It seemed to me that the end of the chapter came rather abruptly. I felt as if Murena was halfway through what he was saying, and that another page or two of fallout might deliver a punchier conclusion.

[manaheim]

I'm going to try Robinski's trick of commenting and then reading other people's comments. Let's hope I don't embarrass myself too badly.

 

First, this was very cool.  The action was gripping, the violence was brutal without being indulgent, and Varus going into a bloodrage was awesome and disturbing.

 

Just a few minor comments...

 

1. You have what appears to be a POV issue very eariy on...

"His words trailed off, caught on some thought he could not quite express."  This was when in Cadmia's POV.

 

2. There is no setting at all in the beginning, so I felt unsure of what where the characters were, and in fact what characters were present. This might be in part because we're deeper into the story, but I'd still expect at least a little setting.

 

3. In a couple cases you have a peculiar sentence structure that I'm not sure works, and jarred me out of the story...

 

"Cadmia hated herself for the thought, but he looked quite ridiculous, stood speechless in the middle of his private chamber while Sepunia fussed around him, straightening his toga and tucking back imaginary strands of stray hair."

 

standing speechless would work, though.

 

4. When the woman is yelling about status, you repeat the word status 5 times in the section. I understand she's speaking in frustrated tones and whatnot, but it stood out for me.

 

5. "'Ambush!’ Varus leapt forward, shoved Murena out of the open and wrapped himself around Cadmia as arrows rained down. One clanged off the breastplate  Murena had given him".

 

I envisioned him wrapping himself around her, which usually means she would be at his chest. I assume the breastplate is only the front piece of armor, would you want to say "backplate"?  (I confess I did not go look this up to see what the proper term would be, or if it would actually be breastplate)

 

6. You use the word "span" instead of "spun" in two places.  I dind't find any definition of "span" that worked in the context you were using it in.

 

7. Steel... I did go look this one up. From what I saw, the romans did have some steel, but only later in the period and even then it wasn't steel in the sense that we use it today. It also sounds like the romans were essentially unaware that what they were producing was anything other than "amazingly good iron".  I didn't find anything conclusive in my ten minutes of researching, but the steel thing did catch my attention and I was like "whoa... they had steel????!"

 

 

That's it.  Very enjoyable read!