August 30, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 10

4 posts in this topic

Hey guys :)

Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback! This brings a close to Act 1 - Hopefully it grabs you and makes you want to get to the meat of the book.

Chapter 10 - Albione journeys to the Monastery of Rasole as punishment for his behavior.

Here's the summary's for the first 9 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.

Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.

Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.

Chapter 6 Summary - Albione returns to his family's estate to fulfill his vow of seclusion, but finds himself further away from his God.

Chapter 7 Summary - Albione returns to the temple, but two expriences make him question his faith further

Chapter 8 Summary - Albione meets with an old friend who only fuels the fire of his frustration

Chapter 9 Summary - Albione makes a foolish mistake which causes the temple to finally lose patience with him.


Edited by Will777r

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I liked the sparring bit, though I felt like Rane should have offered more of a goodbye.

I also think at some point Albione should at least contemplate leaving the priesthood. He probably doesn't think he should, and I'm sure your god-heavy world has consequences, but we don't know that. So I think it would help a lot if we just heard him think 'well, I guess I could just leave/run away, but ...". It would help explain your gods and temples a little more, at the very least, and make his character seem more nuanced.

I'm a little skeptical of the economics involved in covering the chapel with gold and diamonds. I get that they should seem excessive, but the extent to which you described them seems ludicrous. Where did all the money come from, and why did the temple think it was worthwhile for just a village stop? If you want to keep them that exessive, you should at least put a lampshade on it and have Albione ask "Huh. where the heck did all that come from?"

Otherwise, I liked the progress in this chapter, and I thought the griffin fight was well done.


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Still late, and still catching up.

I agree with Hubay that some more thoughts about leaving the temple would be worth exploring. If anything, it would help counterpoint the emphasis in the last chapter that he not leave them.

At the very beginning, I was surprised at the sparring match, because I had read the end of the previous chapter as Albione being sent away immediately. If it didn't happen immediately, I assumed he would have been fulfilling his punishment (recite the creed all day, then repeat). That he is sparring seems like he was given even more time before the punishment happened, or had his other punishment softened, or something. Any of these could be valid, but I think an explanation might help if the sparring stays where it is.

Albione seems quite surprised by the size of the crowd. I would have thought he would have had some exposure to it, somehow. What about the flood of people who come to the temple? Where did all the crowd go during the night elf attack?

I'm not sure having two difference chapels showing the disparity is necessary... but on the other hand, perhaps it is in order to show it's not just one temple. Maybe if you don't bring attention to the actual wealth for the first one, beyond the brief description, but focus on the size/cleanliness contrasts. As it's written now, it seems like a small case of "I just read that, a few paragraphs ago". I thought the second one was well described and had me going with the story at that point, except for the deja-vu feeling. I did kind of hope that Albione would have refused the temple, or not given in to the comfort as much as he did.

The griffin fight was well-written in general, but raised a few questions for me. First of all, I wonder how easy it is for griffins to sneak up on their pray, for it to get as close to Albione as it did. Mind you, he was distracted, but I don't know how many birds would be singing if a griffin was in the sky at all. The second question, of course, was why the power seemed to fill him but then not work on the griffin. I do hope we'll learn the answer to that one.

Right before his power failed, Albione was exulting in it and thought about his later greatness he would be able to do. That seems far different from the brooding Albione we've seen recently. If it is a subtle indication of how the power changes him/people, then well done. It did jump out at me a little bit, though... I want him to keep humble, because it's the humble ones that are the most fun to see win out.

I wonder if there's some way to make the beginning/end of this chapter mirror itself somehow, or have some other connections in circumstance or action. You've got the natural mirror of beginning/ending the journey (even if he didn't quite make it to the monastery), and a sparring match/fight, but would more help make it a little stronger? One option might be to make the sparring happen just after Albione leaves (the temple, before leaving the gates) as a "surprise" attack by Rane, in order to help cheer Albione up and to allow for a goodbye -- if you think it would help the story. If you want to do this, you could probably come up with things much better for your story than I could.

Also, I'm ready to read the next part. At least the next chapter, to see what happens.


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For me, the first scene didn't work. I mean, it was fine on its own, but sandwiched between the last chapter and the following scene, it feels out of place. I even wonder what does this scene bring to the story. Maybe it's because in this scene, Albione doesn't seem to be thinking about his pending exile.

The next parts fit much better his mood.

The first paragraph of scene #2 is a little passive (he's the one delivering the letter, so why say that the letter is being delivered?), but things start to pick up.

I also wondered about his reaction to the city crowds. Doesn't he get to go to some other parts of the city from time to time? We know he leaves the temple occasionally (When he goes to his manor, or to a restaurant for instance). He should be more used to walk around the city.

Albione also shows some of his typical naivete here ("if people don't work, what do they eat?). I'm wondering about a temple that keeps his own priests so out of touch, especially considering the fact that they provide healing to the poor from time to time.

As the others said, the wealth of the two churchs was a bit too much, especially if peasant do not look to be that religious. Even with guards, the temples should have been stripped bare if people can't feed themselves in the villages around.

The griffin part was nice, even if I didn't understand where the beast was coming from. Of course, the spell doesn't work, but that was expected.

The one part that bothers me is my own lack of emotion at the end of the chapter. I'm not that sympathetic to the character for one thing, and having him being injured here at this part of the book felt hollow. Of course, I know he's going to be all right (it's only chapter 10), so I couldn't buy the "I'm dying" part. All that I thought was "This Albione is reacting like a baby."

Just one note to finish. I don't know if you have drawn a map or something, but walking at a good pace, you can cover up to 20 miles per day (and that's pushing). So, I estimate that your 3 days walk means that the monastery is between 30 and 50 miles away from the city. I just thought I'd mention that in case you need to know the actual distance.


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