Asmodemon

Aug 30 2011 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 2

7 posts in this topic

I'm not really sure how this works, but is there anyway you can get me the first chapter? I just joined the email list and would like to read the chapters in order :)

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I'm not really sure how this works, but is there anyway you can get me the first chapter? I just joined the email list and would like to read the chapters in order :)

Sure, just PM me with your e-mail address and I'll mail it to you.

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The start of this chapter is a little slow in the first three pages but the writing gets stronger after, finally drawing me in as Rosalin heads out for bread and apples. The first paragraph in particular is a bit clumsy. The idea is fine, it's the wording that could use some work. I get the feeling you are trying for flowery prose on the first page and it falls flat. Later you give it up and it gets better.

I assume the tremor is significant but if so both you and Rosalin brush it under the rug too quickly to give it the full impact. Maybe some more time considering the oddity of it all. The way she reacts makes me think this a regular occurrence.

Another tremor at the end and again she shrugs it off. I guess I just don't see someone being so glib about the ground shaking. Overall though I think this chapter gets stronger as it goes. I found myself pulled in by Rosalin and her story. This was a nice introduction to her and I found her to be a sympathetic character and interesting.

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I'll take the time here to note that I read your prologue before the forums moved, and liked it. I wasn't able to open chapter 1 for some reason, so I don't know if I'm supposed to know the characters or situation at all or not. From the way it is written, it appears to be an introduction to these characters and this location.

I agree with Sir Robert that it was rough to start out. On the other hand, I did quickly get a feel for part of Rosalin's character -- likes to sleep in, doesn't want to wash up, and trying not to make her sister's life too difficult (and likely failing at times).

There was a good chunk of description about the inn. I wonder how much will be significant to the story? A few good details are fine, but some of them seemed extraneous. I'm guessing part of my feelings are caused by us starting off so tightly in Rosalin's viewpoint, and a lot of the details seem like things she might not notice or would just gloss over. I'm not sure how old she is here, but I'm guessing 8-10. At that age, one example I feel she might not notice is what wood the bar is made of -- or if she does, we might get more of the other types used also. (From the other descriptions of the owner's architecture and decoration, it doesn't seem likely that the beech bartop is a trophy would or anything.) I'm not sure it's really a problem, but it helped make the first part harder for me to read than the rest.

I also think that the ground shaking may need to be called out a little more. You might also want to set up the initial tremor a little more (unless we've already seen something to do so in the first chapter). I'm wondering if she could be shaken awake, for instance. I also expected Rosalin's reaction to be a bit stronger, if she'd never experienced one. If nobody in the village has, I'd expect that to be a topic of conversation... possibly between Rosalin and her sister when she returns with the food, before mucking the stables. Another option might be to have Rosalin decide she'd imagined things and had just missed her step... the first time.

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What bothered me the most in this chapter was the apparent lack of connection with the previous one. I understand that you need to introduce different characters, but the world itself seemed to bear little ressemblance with the one of the Prologue and Chapter 1 (aside from the fields of roses). Feels like I was reading a different book entirely.

The trouble is that Chapter 1 had some action in it and connected well with the prologue, while here, we have a peaceful character introduction. I could have accepted that in chapter 1 (I'm used to action in a prologue leading to gentle character exposition in chapter 1), but here, I got action in chapter 1, and I'm thrown in an entirely different setting.

I'll have to read the next chapter to see how that develops.

Aside from that, it was a nice read .

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Well, this chapter seemed really out of place for me. I also read the Prologue and Chapter 1 prior to reading this and the overall picture throws you out of the story. The other thing that got to me was the amount of description in this chapter. A lot of it felt like filler for the chapter. What I feel this chapter missed, as what writing excuses likes to emphasize, is the lack of conflict. There was nothing that was really interesting about any of this beyond introduction to Rosalin and setting up the location. If you added the tremor to be the conflict then it is immediately side stepped by the character's reaction to it.

I did feel like I got to know Rosalin, but I didn't feel any connection to her. Something that might help with this is adding a conversation with her sister about something in the past or an event coming up. It might also help to add a quip about the tremor, even if it is something nonchalant in this world.

The main thing that intrigued me was the Chittins and their connection with the black roses. (I also figure the black roses are connected with the Black Rose herself. If you were trying to keep that subtle or not, it's an easy connection to make. Just an FYI.)

I will be looking forward to the next chapter.

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