Jump to content

20140505 - andyk - Fire in the Blood ch.8 (V)


andyk

Recommended Posts

Morning all

 

It's been a couple of months, but I'm back in the groove, so here's chapter 8 of Fire in the Blood. And given how long it's been I'm sure everyone's going to want a synopsis, so...

 

Previously:

Cadmia is the daughter of Gaius Cadmius Murena, a senator and general in a fantasy version of republican Rome. Her father has recently returned from a successful campaign against the Gauls. He has also recruited a veteran named Varus to the household.

Varus, a veteran of the Roman legions, was scarred by priestly magic during a battle in Gaul. He now hears voices in his head, not least from the torc that was a souvenir of that battle. Varus doesn't like Rome.

Cadmia and Varus don't get on, not least because Murena seems happier talking to Varus than to his own daughter.

The household is facing many challenges. Cadmia was attacked on their own grounds. Murena's attempt to throw a triumph for his army was thwarted in the senate. Murena's wife, Livia, has been taken away by her brother, Murena's political opponent Livius Dama.

 

Hope you enjoy this chapter. I look forward to reading your comments.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad to read more of this--I was wondering how Cadmia and Varus were getting on...

 

It's been a while, and I had to look back to find Nurya's name.  At first I thought she was Nestia.  Also had to look up Bantius.  Still don't remember his wound.  Was that from the attack by the Satyr?

 

pg 1: how does Cadmia sense Varus stiffened if he's standing behind her?

 

pg 2: you say "stiffened" again a few paragraphs later.

 

pg 5: "His body and voice were still the same"

--Hostus doesn't speak as he changes faces, so how does she know?

 

A little confusion on the magic side of this scene:

Does everyone feel the flow of power from the mymillo's sacrifice?  Does that power let Hostus transform, or something else?  Doesn't his power come from Janus, and not Nemesis?

 

The second half of the chapter was quicker and more enjoyable than the first.  The only complaint might be that it was too predictable.  As soon as Cadmia went into the cells, I knew she was going to try to learn to fight, but that Varus would be the better one to teach her.  Is this a problem?  Not sure.  It may just be that you've painted the characters well enough that I can see what's happening.

 

I do like this starts to bring Cadmia and Varus together.  Hopefully Cadmia is learning to appreciate that others have skills too.  The whiny rich-girl attitude can be grating.

Seems Varus' torc can resist powers granted from other gods...

 

From what I remember of the other chapters, this is still mostly setup.  I feel like there are some heavier or more exciting parts coming, and I'm eager to get to those.

And here is the point where I wonder at the planned length of the book.  By my estimate, we're about 36k words in, so I would guess 120k total, with this being the first third of "setup" soon to transition into the main body of the story.  As a reader, past this point I'm ready to start seeing some explanations (re. how the sacrifice power works, and some hints about the torc) along with more questions as the story develops.  I'm interested to see what happens next!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’ll second what Mandamon already said, it’s good to read more of this, though I do start to find Cadmia’s rich girl attitude more annoying as I read more of her. She does have agency though, something which Varus is lacking, especially when we’re not in his perspective.

 

Magic: So far the magic system of your setting is a confusing to me. There are curses and cursed men, as apparently Varus is, but so far Varus’ curse is only helping him out – I don’t see the curse part of what has happened to him.

 

When Hostus uses him magic to transform you say: “His body and voice were still the same, but his features were those of an elderly woman.”

 

If his body remained the same, what features are you talking about? Is it just the face, because the way I see it his face is part of his body – and his body didn’t change. The other thing with this transformation is that I’m not clear on whether this is a transformation or an illusion. I assume it’s a transformation, since Cadmia knows magic and she’d know if it was an illusion, right?

 

Power of the guard: I’m a bit concerned about how much power and authority the guards have here, as Cadmia was able to bully herself past the arena guard rather easily. I understand that if a senator comes by that a guard might let him through, but Cadmia is no senator. She may be the heir to one, but she’s a woman too and women, in this setting, don’t seem to have any power openly.

 

So a spoiled girl wants inside to the cells and the guard, a legionary, an actual soldier, let’s her through. I might be able to forgive this if we’re talking about a hired guard, but this is a soldier. He should have the authority to refuse spoiled nobles entrance into the cells. Why even have them around if they can’t do that?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I did enjoy this chapter. It’s good to have ‘FitB’ back, and to see some development in the relationship between Cadmia and Varus, the story is always interesting when they sharing page time. I was also pleased about the level of conflict in the chapter, namely Cadmia vs Friends; Cadmia vs Varus, Cadmia, vs Hostus; Varus vs Hostus; Varus vs Haemus. I had no problem with all that in the one chapter, they were at the arena, after all.

 

I felt that we learned more about Cadmia’s life, and about the setting, but it was by no means expositional (in a bad way), because of the conflicts, and there was some progress (not a huge amount certainly) in the plot, but perhaps most importantly a (potentially) significant development in the central relationship between Varus and Cadmia.

 

I came to the end of the chapter feeling that things were poised, and yet I'm not feeling a great deal of tension. I'm hoping that the balloon goes up at the start of the next chapter. As Mandamon said, I think things need to kick-off now into the second part and some major try-fail, with clear definition of what is at stake, personally and globally.

 

More please!

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Referring to the comments now, not being as complex as Mandamon (but being at least as unnecessary, if not more so!!), I had no problem with the passage of events, but then I am quite easily lead, and therefore perhaps not the most exacting audience. Also, like Mandamon, I think we are due some payoff soon, although the set up has been enjoyable, as there has almost always been something intriguing happening, and reading about the development of interesting characters (within reason!) is never a chore.

 

I share Asmodemon’s concerns about the curse, although my perspective is that it came from the shamanic(?) magic of the Goths, and is therefore distinct from the powers of the ‘Roman’ gods. Or is it...? Not that you are necessarily, but it would be stretching the readers’ suspension of disbelief to ask them to accept that the gods of each society are real in this setting. I’ve managed to convince myself that it’s more likely that there is one set of gods, and that they manifest differently to different peoples.

 

Whatever that case, coming by to Asmodemon’s first point, I felt it was clear enough that Varus got into trouble when he encountered the priest in the street (twice) in previous chapters and ended up being accosted by passersby, but I agree that the effects of the curse have not been overt, nor have they been particularly dire. Perhaps that is coming, but I think the curse could have been better defined initially, and I am also confused about the role of the torc. Perhaps it was me not paying close enough attention (usually the answer), but I feel unclear on whether the shaman cursed Varus when they were fighting , or whether it was his acquisition of the torc that has lead to the curse falling on him. If not, then what is the deal with the torc?

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Page 2 – The comment ‘And now we suffer the sight of him’ seems harsh for Cadmia. We know she’s got a real attitude, but her father is a soldier after all. I guess she’s showing off for her friends, but I half expected her thoughts to reveal some doubt that she had gone too far.

 

Page 5 – Other than what I felt was an off note in Cadmia’s comment about the tramp, I enjoyed her encounter with Hostus. For a moment, she seems to be holding her own then gets a real comeuppance when he shows the extent of his power – nicely done.

 

I felt that Ludmilla is a bit of a caricature, but Nestia seems intriguing, her behaviour and personality apparently confounding stereotypical expectations engendered by her appearance.

 

Page 5 – You say ‘only half liked’, seeming to suggest she should like it more, but I thought the context implied that it should be surprising that she half liked it at all (i.e. drop the ‘only’?). Then, in the next sentence, we see her eagerness, which I think supports my notion, but the eagerness itself feels contradictory to me because of her attitude to Varus and his nature. Then again, again, does her seeming eagerness to be near these violent men arise from her recent experiences with the god(s?), in which case is she being inconsistent in her attitude towards Varus? I suspect she is in denial, not allowing herself to see his strengths and virtues because she sees him as a usurper of her position. I guess that would bring us back to a position of internal consistency in terms of Cadmia’s behaviour. Am I over-thinking this?, probably, but I still think, drop the ‘only’.

 

Page 6 – ‘gravitas’ – a human trait, which doesn’t rule out applying it to an inanimate object, of course, but this application, I felt, was a bit confused by linking it to the weight of the sword, a short step from there to ‘gravity’.

 

Page 7 – I'm trying to decide if Haemus gives in to Cadmia’s will too easily. I suppose one of the gladiators would see a chance to take advantage (not in that way, of course, but in giving help to a better), it just felt rather too convenient – as if it happened because the story needed it to. I can put that thought behind me though because the exchange with Ludmilla is somewhat unexpected, and then Varus arrives, and I'm all anticipation as to how he will react.

 

Page 8 – I thought Haemus responded a bit too quickly to Varus challenge, as if too eager, not playing it cool enough. As I read on, I see your rationale – the turf thing – but doesn’t Varus have higher status than a gladiator? I'm not saying that would change their reaction, but it might mean that reaction was a transgression, contrary to the expected convention.

 

I don’t like ‘root for less’, feels like a double negative or contradiction in terms, what about ‘She couldn’t decide who least deserved her support.’?

 

I can’t picture how Varus slaps the flat against both of Haemus’ arms, I pictured it as first one then the other, but that would take too long. What happens to the mighty blow, does it land on the floor? I felt that I should know where all that energy ended up.

 

Page 10 – This may be overly pernickety on my part, but I felt that Hostus gave in a little too quickly. The beats of that scene seem standard. i.e. force is applied and is met with indignation/resistance; more force is applied and subject pleads a greater threat hangs over him; questioner persists and subject caves in and tells all. I realise it’s not quite as straightforward as that, and the demonstration of the effect of what’s ‘inside’ Varus (the curse) is nice to see, as that part almost seems forgotten for significant periods and somehow undefined (no doubt purposely).

 

Reading it again, it might be parts of the dialogue that are giving me this impression, not sure you need  ‘What do you want to know?’ for example.

 

I like the open reference to a curse, and hope that Cadmia has picked that up, she’s too sharp to let it go passed her without consideration and perhaps comment – I can only wait until the next instalment to find out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...