Flash Fiction Feedback

Mailliw73 · October 20, 2018

Hi all! I'm entering a flash fiction contest and I'd love to get some feedback from you! The story needs to be 100-500 words long, which is way shorter than I tend to write, so this is a new format for me. Please let me know your thoughts!

It's based off the image that's attached.

Newest Version:

There are monsters in the forest.

I reached my tainted palm out to his, Mama’s voice ringing in my mind. If there was danger in the forest, this thing was probably it. But I couldn’t stop. Something pulled me towards it–him?, dangerous but familiar. Then I noticed the taint in his skin too. I was revulsed, but couldn’t stop. He spoke as our fingers brushed.

“So long, it’s been so long. They taught you not to embrace the joy of the forest, of course, that’s just like them.”

“What? Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, daughter. You’ve forgotten me this time?” he asked, voice tight like vines in Mama’s garden. “Come.” He pulled me deeper into the shadowy forest.

Never go to the forest alone.

Everything Mama had taught me screamed to pull away. But something deeper, darker, whispered to go forward.

The taint spread faster. My shoulder was fully bark, no pale skin to see. Tendrils of timber stretched towards my chest. We stopped at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight dark. Trees grasped for the night sky, creaking and swaying, crowding the water.

“Go.”

Don’t go past the Yanuji bushes, there’s danger.

My fingers trembled. “Why?”

“You’ll remember soon, sapling.” He pushed. I didn’t resist. The momentum started me toward the pond. Quicker. Soon I was running, legs stiffening to wood. Twigs branched from my body. The water lay inches away. Then my feet splashed into it.

Ecstasy roared through my body as roots on my ankles slurped up the water. Images flashed. Times, places, people. Memories.

Trees turning to human shapes.

Tree-people fighting the people of a village. My village.

A time of silence in the forest.

Me, sap-blood leaking from a wound in my gut.

And me, reborn, stolen by Mama from the outskirts of the forest.

The vision stopped. I didn’t need to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming. Power coursed in my veins like sap and I knew I couldn’t be cut down this time. I smiled, breathing in the rich smell of growth in the pure air.

“Asholli, welcome home.”

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

There are monsters in the forest.

And the monster was me.

V1:

Spoiler

There’s monsters in the forest.

I leaned in, uncertain, Mama’s voice running through my head. My hand, the tainted one, reached for his palm anyway. It—he?—had tubes crossing his side. I’d never seen tubes like that before. This thing was grotesque, but somehow drew me in. Something about him was magnetizing. When my fingers touched his, he spoke.

“So long. It’s been so long. You haven’t embraced the joy of the forest fully this time. Why?”

“What? Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, daughter. You’ve forgotten this time, have you?” he spoke, voice tight like vines in Mama’s garden. “Come.”

Never go to the forest alone.

He pulled me suddenly deeper into the forest. Everything Mama had taught me screamed inside to pull away. But something deeper, darker, pushed me forward.

The taint was spreading faster now. My shoulder was fully wood now, no pale skin left to see. Tendrils of timber were stretching towards my chest now as well. He set me down at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight light. Trees grasping for the night sky, creaking and swaying, surrounded the water.

“Go.”

Don’t go past the Gria bushes, there’s danger.

Feeling twinges of anxiety, I replied, “Why?”

“You’ll remember soon, love.” He pushed. I didn’t resist. The momentum started me forward and I began to walk towards the water. Quicker. Faster. Soon I was running, legs turning to wood as I did. Twigs began to branch from my body as I felt myself change. The water was inches away. Then I was in it.

Pleasure rushed through my body as roots on my ankles slurped in the water. Images flashed. Times, places, people.

Trees turning to human shapes.

Tree-people fighting the people of a village. My village.

A time of silence in the forest.

Me, sap-blood leaking from a wound in my gut.

And me, reborn, stolen by Mama from the outskirts of the forest.

The memories stopped. I didn’t have to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming. I loved it.

“Asholli, welcome home.”

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned wickedly. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

There’s monsters in the forest.

And the monster was me.

Edited November 20, 2018 by Mailliw73

+Invocation · October 21, 2018

Hey. I like it. Reads like a Brothers Grimm tale.

TwiLyghtSansSparkles · October 21, 2018

First off, I really like this story. It feels like a dark fairy tale, and there's a sense of…I don't know what the word might be. Wildness, and reclaiming that wildness.

The main things I'd look at changing are some smaller grammatical stuff, like this:

21 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

There’s monsters in the forest.

to

Quote

There are monsters in the forest.

I'd also tighten up the prose a bit, mostly through getting rid of the passive voice.

21 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

Tendrils of timber were stretching towards my chest now as well.

can become

Quote

Tendrils of timber stretched toward my chest.

And there are some words and phrases that could be eliminated altogether, like changing this:

21 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

Twigs began to branch from my body as I felt myself change.

to this:

Quote

Twigs branched from my body.

The fact she's changing can be seen, so it doesn't need to be stated. And by eliminating that phrase, you'll decrease the word count and have more words to play with, so you might even be able to add something about how it feels to have twigs branch out of you, to have your blood turn to sap and water rush through your veins. You don't have to do that if you don't want to; it was just something that occurred to me.

Mailliw73 · October 22, 2018

16 hours ago, Invocation said:

Hey. I like it. Reads like a Brothers Grimm tale.

Thanks!!

3 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

First off, I really like this story. It feels like a dark fairy tale, and there's a sense of…I don't know what the word might be. Wildness, and reclaiming that wildness.

The main things I'd look at changing are some smaller grammatical stuff, like this:

to

I'd also tighten up the prose a bit, mostly through getting rid of the passive voice.

can become

And there are some words and phrases that could be eliminated altogether, like changing this:

to this:

The fact she's changing can be seen, so it doesn't need to be stated. And by eliminating that phrase, you'll decrease the word count and have more words to play with, so you might even be able to add something about how it feels to have twigs branch out of you, to have your blood turn to sap and water rush through your veins. You don't have to do that if you don't want to; it was just something that occurred to me.

Thank you so much, Twi! This feedback is super helpful! When I make the changes, I'll post an updated version.

Please keep letting me know of things you liked or disliked ot ways I could improve my writing.

Mailliw73 · October 23, 2018

New version!

There are monsters in the forest.

I leaned in, uncertain, Mama’s voice running through my head. My hand, the tainted one, reached for his palm anyway. It—he?—had tubes crossing his side. I’d never seen tubes like that before. This thing was grotesque, but somehow drew me in. Something about him was magnetizing. He was tainted too. When my fingers touched his, he spoke.

“So long. It’s been so long. You haven’t embraced the joy of the forest this time.”

“What? Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, daughter. You’ve forgotten this time, have you?” he spoke, voice tight like vines in Mama’s garden. “Come.” He pulled me suddenly deeper into the shadowy forest.

Never go to the forest alone.

Everything Mama had taught me screamed inside to pull away. But something deeper, darker, pushed me forward.

The taint was spreading faster now. My shoulder had become fully wood now, no pale skin left to see. Tendrils of timber stretched towards my chest. He set me down at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight dark. Trees grasped for the night sky, creaking and swaying, crowding the water.

“Go.”

Don’t go past the Yanuji bushes, there’s danger.

Feeling twinges of anxiety, I replied, “Why?”

“You’ll remember soon, sapling.” He pushed. I didn’t resist. The momentum started me forward and I began to walk towards the water. Quicker. Faster. Soon I was running, legs hardening to wood. Twigs branched from my body. The water was inches away. Then I was in it.

Ecstasy roared through my body as roots on my ankles slurped up the water. Images flashed. Times, places, people. Memories.

Trees turning to human shapes.

Tree-people fighting the people of a village. My village.

A time of silence in the forest.

Me, sap-blood leaking from a wound in my gut.

And me, reborn, stolen by Mama from the outskirts of the forest.

The vision stopped. I didn’t need to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming, stiff, yet powerful. I loved it.

“Asholli, welcome home.”

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned wickedly. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

There are monsters in the forest.

And the monster was me.

Edited October 23, 2018 by Mailliw73

TwiLyghtSansSparkles · October 26, 2018

OKAY. Comments on the new version (and hoping it's not past the entry date—sorry for waiting so long to comment!).

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

I leaned in, uncertain, Mama’s voice running through my head. My hand, the tainted one, reached for his palm anyway. It—he?—had tubes crossing his side. I’d never seen tubes like that before. This thing was grotesque, but somehow drew me in. Something about him was magnetizing. He was tainted too. When my fingers touched his, he spoke.

When I read this the first time, I pictured plastic tubes in a hospital setting. Even knowing it's something completely different, the word "tubes" still makes me picture this scene taking place in a hospital. If you cut out the "This thing was grotesque, but somehow drew me in" and "Something about him was magnetizing," you'll have more words to use on a description that conveys a sense of the forest a little better. Unless you wanted the reader to picture a hospital setting and then pull the old switcheroo—which isn't a bad thing, though in flash fiction you might not have as much room to develop that concept. Even in that case, I'd delete those two sentences and add something showing her sense of revulsion and fascination. It doesn't have to be long; something like "The sight made my skin crawl and I could not tear my gaze from it" would do the trick.

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

He pulled me suddenly deeper into the shadowy forest.

"Suddenly" can be deleted.

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

Everything Mama had taught me screamed inside to pull away. But something deeper, darker, pushed me forward.

Maybe instead of "Something deeper, darker, pushed me forward," you could say "Everything Mama had taught me screamed to pull away, yet I followed" or something similar? I feel like that would help put the reader in her shoes a little better.

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

The taint was spreading faster now. My shoulder had become fully wood now, no pale skin left to see.

You can get rid of the passive voice here, too, changing it to "The taint spread faster" (and if you have enough words to play with, you could even add a metaphor to drive the image home if you wanted) and "My shoulder was wood and bark, no pale skin to see."

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

The momentum started me forward and I began to walk towards the water.

"Began" can be removed, along with a few other words, making it something more like "The momentum started me toward the water" or "The momentum nudged me on a walk toward the water." Something like that.

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

The vision stopped. I didn’t need to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming, stiff, yet powerful. I loved it.

Instead of saying "I loved it," you could show it through some small action on her part—smiling down at the water, or breathing deep of the pure air of the forest. I don't know how many words are left at this point, so go with what works, but an image would probably be stronger here.

On 10/22/2018 at 6:59 PM, Mailliw73 said:

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned wickedly. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

"Wickedly" can be removed, since the next sentence shows she's going to take pleasure in something that is, at best, morally grey.

Mailliw73 · October 31, 2018

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles Thanks again for the input! Here's another updated version! I'll be submitting it today, but I'd love continuing feedback as I'd like to continue to cultivate this story.

There are monsters in the forest.

I reached my tainted hand out for his palm with Mama’s voice ringing in my mind. If there was danger in the forest, this thing was probably it. But I couldn’t stop. Something pulled me towards it–him?, dangerous but familiar. Then I noticed his taint. I was revulsed, but couldn’t stop. He spoke as our fingers brushed.

“So long, it’s been so long. They taught you not to embrace the joy of the forest, of course, that’s just like them.”

“What? Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, daughter. You’ve forgotten me this time, have you?” he spoke, voice tight like vines in Mama’s garden. “Come.” He pulled me deeper into the shadowy forest.

Never go to the forest alone.

Everything Mama had taught me screamed inside to pull away. But something deeper, darker, whispered inside to go forward.

The taint spread faster now. My shoulder was fully bark now, no pale skin to see. Tendrils of timber stretched towards my chest. He set me down at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight dark. Trees grasped for the night sky, creaking and swaying, crowding the water.

“Go.”

Don’t go past the Yanuji bushes, there’s danger.

Feeling twinges of anxiety, I replied, “Why?”

“You’ll remember soon, sapling.” He pushed. I didn’t resist. The momentum started me toward the pond. Quicker. Faster. Soon I was running, legs hardening to wood. Twigs branched from my body. The water was inches away. Then I was in it.

Ecstasy roared through my body as roots on my ankles slurped up the water. Images flashed. Times, places, people. Memories.

Trees turning to human shapes.

Tree-people fighting the people of a village. My village.

A time of silence in the forest.

Me, sap-blood leaking from a wound in my gut.

And me, reborn, stolen by Mama from the outskirts of the forest.

The vision stopped. I didn’t need to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming, stiff, yet powerful. I smiled, breathing in the rich smell of growth in the pure air.

“Asholli, welcome home.”

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

There are monsters in the forest.

And the monster was me.

TwiLyghtSansSparkles · November 1, 2018

6 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

I reached my tainted hand out for his palm with Mama’s voice ringing in my mind.

With can be omitted and replaced with a comma.

6 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

Everything Mama had taught me screamed inside to pull away. But something deeper, darker, whispered inside to go forward.

The word inside can be removed from both sentences.

7 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

Feeling twinges of anxiety, I replied, “Why?”

I feel like this could be shown through a physical reaction. Something like:

Quote

My stomach lurched. "Why?"

Maybe not that specifically, but something that shows Asholli is anxious would help make the piece more immersive and give it more punch.

7 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

stiff, yet powerful.

These two words connote different things, but used in conjunction with each other, it feels more repetitive. I'd keep the word powerful and get rid of stiff, and then show how it feels. Are her limbs as flexible as they were when she took human form? How much freedom of movement does she have? How quick is she? Can she sense that she's able to lift a grown man off the ground and throw him, or stand in the middle of an earthquake and not be moved?

7 hours ago, Mailliw73 said:

Thanks again for the input! Here's another updated version! I'll be submitting it today, but I'd love continuing feedback as I'd like to continue to cultivate this story.

Best of luck! And do you mean you plan to expand on it, or keep working with it at its current length?

Mailliw73 · November 15, 2018

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles

Thanks again for the feedback! I have been swamped with school, so I haven't made any edits in the past few weeks, but I do want to get back to this eventually. Hopefully next week, I'll have more time. I also wanted to let you know that, thanks to your help, this won an honorable mention and will be published in the magazine. Thanks!!

TwiLyghtSansSparkles · November 15, 2018

28 minutes ago, Mailliw73 said:

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles

Thanks again for the feedback! I have been swamped with school, so I haven't made any edits in the past few weeks, but I do want to get back to this eventually. Hopefully next week, I'll have more time. I also wanted to let you know that, thanks to your help, this won an honorable mention and will be published in the magazine. Thanks!!

AAHHHHHH! That's awesome! Congratulations!

Mailliw73 · November 18, 2018

On 10/31/2018 at 6:59 PM, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Best of luck! And do you mean you plan to expand on it, or keep working with it at its current length?

I'm not sure. I like the challenge of keeping myself to a small word count and forcing myself to leave a lot to the imagination and just refining it bit by bit. But now that I've written it, I have more stories to tell about this world. Consequences of being an epic fantasy reader I guess.

On 11/14/2018 at 7:53 PM, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

AAHHHHHH! That's awesome! Congratulations!

Thank you so much!!!

New Version:

There are monsters in the forest.

I reached my tainted hand out for his palm, Mama’s voice ringing in my mind. If there was danger in the forest, this thing was probably it. But I couldn’t stop. Something pulled me towards it–him?, dangerous but familiar. Then I noticed his taint. I was revulsed, but couldn’t stop. He spoke as our fingers brushed.

“So long, it’s been so long. They taught you not to embrace the joy of the forest, of course, that’s just like them.”

“What? Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, daughter. You’ve forgotten me this time, have you?” he spoke, voice tight like vines in Mama’s garden. “Come.” He pulled me deeper into the shadowy forest.

Never go to the forest alone.

Everything Mama had taught me screamed to pull away. But something deeper, darker, whispered to go forward.

The taint spread faster now. My shoulder was fully bark now, no pale skin to see. Tendrils of timber stretched towards my chest. He set me down at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight dark. Trees grasped for the night sky, creaking and swaying, crowding the water.

“Go.”

Don’t go past the Yanuji bushes, there’s danger.

My fingers trembled. “Why?”

“You’ll remember soon, sapling.” He pushed. I didn’t resist. The momentum started me toward the pond. Quicker. Faster. Soon I was running, legs hardening to wood. Twigs branched from my body. The water was inches away. Then I was in it.

Ecstasy roared through my body as roots on my ankles slurped up the water. Images flashed. Times, places, people. Memories.

Trees turning to human shapes.

Tree-people fighting the people of a village. My village.

A time of silence in the forest.

Me, sap-blood leaking from a wound in my gut.

And me, reborn, stolen by Mama from the outskirts of the forest.

The vision stopped. I didn’t need to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming. Power coursed in my veins like sap and I knew I couldn’t be cut down this time. I smiled, breathing in the rich smell of growth in the pure air.

“Asholli, welcome home.”

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

There are monsters in the forest.

And the monster was me.

Edited November 18, 2018 by Mailliw73

TwiLyghtSansSparkles · November 19, 2018

On 11/17/2018 at 8:28 PM, Mailliw73 said:

I'm not sure. I like the challenge of keeping myself to a small word count and forcing myself to leave a lot to the imagination and just refining it bit by bit. But now that I've written it, I have more stories to tell about this world. Consequences of being an epic fantasy reader I guess.

I know what you mean. For what it's worth, I'd gladly read more stories set in this world, if you wanted to write them.

On 11/17/2018 at 8:28 PM, Mailliw73 said:

I reached my tainted hand out for his palm

You could probably change this to "stretched my tainted hand toward his palm" or even "stretched my tainted palm toward his."

On 11/17/2018 at 8:28 PM, Mailliw73 said:

he spoke,

This might be a personal peeve, but I'm not a fan of the word "spoke" as a substitute for "said." "Said" is invisible, allowing the reader to focus on the dialogue itself and whatever adjective you happen to add. I find "spoke" distracting.

On 11/17/2018 at 8:28 PM, Mailliw73 said:

The taint spread faster now. My shoulder was fully bark now,

I'd recommend deleting at least one "now," probably the first one.

On 11/17/2018 at 8:28 PM, Mailliw73 said:

He set me down at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight dark. Trees grasped for the night sky, creaking and swaying, crowding the water.

I don't have any suggestions for this bit of description. I just really like it.

Mailliw73 · November 20, 2018

22 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I know what you mean. For what it's worth, I'd gladly read more stories set in this world, if you wanted to write them.

I don't have any suggestions for this bit of description. I just really like it.

Thanks! I'm working on further ideas of what exactly I want to tell, so I'll keep you updated.

I really like that one too.

There are monsters in the forest.

I reached my tainted palm out to his, Mama’s voice ringing in my mind. If there was danger in the forest, this thing was probably it. But I couldn’t stop. Something pulled me towards it–him?, dangerous but familiar. Then I noticed the taint in his skin too. I was revulsed, but couldn’t stop. He spoke as our fingers brushed.

“So long, it’s been so long. They taught you not to embrace the joy of the forest, of course, that’s just like them.”

“What? Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, daughter. You’ve forgotten me this time?” he asked, voice tight like vines in Mama’s garden. “Come.” He pulled me deeper into the shadowy forest.

Never go to the forest alone.

Everything Mama had taught me screamed to pull away. But something deeper, darker, whispered to go forward.

The taint spread faster. My shoulder was fully bark, no pale skin to see. Tendrils of timber stretched towards my chest. We stopped at the edge of a pond, black in the midnight dark. Trees grasped for the night sky, creaking and swaying, crowding the water.

“Go.”

Don’t go past the Yanuji bushes, there’s danger.

My fingers trembled. “Why?”

“You’ll remember soon, sapling.” He pushed. I didn’t resist. The momentum started me toward the pond. Quicker. Soon I was running, legs stiffening to wood. Twigs branched from my body. The water lay inches away. Then my feet splashed into it.

Ecstasy roared through my body as roots on my ankles slurped up the water. Images flashed. Times, places, people. Memories.

Trees turning to human shapes.

Tree-people fighting the people of a village. My village.

A time of silence in the forest.

Me, sap-blood leaking from a wound in my gut.

And me, reborn, stolen by Mama from the outskirts of the forest.

The vision stopped. I didn’t need to look down to know that my entire body had finally embraced the darkwood that had been a long time coming. Power coursed in my veins like sap and I knew I couldn’t be cut down this time. I smiled, breathing in the rich smell of growth in the pure air.

“Asholli, welcome home.”

I turned to my father, my real father, and grinned. This was going to be the best fight of my life.

There are monsters in the forest.

And the monster was me.

Lumgol · January 5, 2019

Maill, storm it! That's so good! And congrats on the honorable mention

Mailliw73 · January 5, 2019

30 minutes ago, Lumgol said:

Maill, storm it! That's so good! And congrats on the honorable mention

Thanks, Lum!! That means a lot.

Kobold King · January 19, 2019

This is really good, especially the latest version!

It looks like Twi's already advised you on all the things I'd say to change. I'll stick to the positive things that worked the best and bear duplicating in the future.

First of all: there's a sense of grim menace throughout this entire piece, as the narrator thinks about how they shouldn't be here, about how they should be fleeing, even while the strange magic begins to work itself. The character of the older tree monster is spectacularly creepy; it's not the traditional "I'm gonna eat little children who misbehave" kind of monster. It's something more real than that. More insidious. There's a power to its strange family motivations that aligns with the aesthetic it goes with; after all, what's more unknowable and unsettling than a dark, deep forest? The theme of wilderness vs humanity is very crisp and clear here.

That the narrator is also a tree creature, stolen from the woods as a child, is also a fantastic subversion of the old changeling trope in fairy lore. Here the narrator belongs to the other, more mystical world, but was stolen by humanity. While that's been done before it normally turns into a Chosen One narrative, and not the vivid dark fantasy that this is.

All in all I think this is really well done. I lament not having anything more meaningful than that to say.

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