April 7 - Kuiper - The Wasting Room, part 3

[Kuiper]

Here's the third installment of The Wasting Room, which consists of chapters 5 and 6.

 

I originally planned for this third submission to include the final concluding chapters, but I ended up running pretty far over the recommended word count for submissions, so I decided to separate it into two smaller chunks, making this portion a bit shorter than my earlier submissions.  The fourth installment (which I will hopefully be able to submit next week) will conclude the story.

 

 

Summary of what has happened so far:

 

In chapter 1, the unnamed protagonist uses his magical abilities as an air adept to eavesdrop on a meeting between two suspicious men, and becomes witness to a murder when one of the men double-crosses the other.

 

In chapter 2, the protagonist meets with an information broker named Eril, and learns the identities of the men he saw earlier.  The victim was a nobleman named Lord Rolondo, and the killer is Cole, a criminal who is new to the city.  Protagonist requests that Eril arrange a meeting with Cole, under the pretense of recruiting Cole for a criminal operation.

 

In chapter 3, the protagonist meets with Cole.  The protagonist shares plans in light of the recent disappearance of Lord Rolondo: Cole will masquerade as the missing (deceased) Rolondo and attend a masquerade ball and auction being held by another noble house, Bastielle.  According to the plan, the protagonist will use this cover to enter and pilfer goods from the Bastielle estate.  Cole agrees to participate.

 

In chapter 4, the protagonist and Cole pose as envoys of the Rolondo estate and visit the house of Hannal, a greedy capitalist nobleman.  They strike a deal with Hannal to provide transportation for their fake Rolondo to arrive at the Bastielle event in noble fashion.

 

[andyk]

All my comments on this come with the disclaimer that I don't think I read the previous parts. That said, your summary gave me all the information I needed, and I generally found this engaging. It flowed well, and there was enough going on with the caper to keep me interested. I thought that the job so far went too smoothly, too easily - without any setbacks or challenges there was little tension and no reason to doubt that the protagonist would succeed. But I still wanted to know where this was going.

 

A few more specific bits:

 

p.3. 'Just crime things' - this seems a weird and unconvincing response, what criminal would say it out loud? - I'd be very suspicious if I was Cole.

 

p.5. I liked how they got past the guard, but like much of the crime it felt a little too easy. The guard gave in too quickly, without any pressure to let his standards drop.

 

p.9. The guards on the roof - their conversation is clearly meant to show us something of the state of the house and what lies behind it, but it's all very on the nose. Would they really refer to the things they do so directly if this was something they saw every day? Or can it be filtered through more personal concerns?

 

I like this stuff with holding in sound and the flip side of that, having to find a time to release it. It makes the magic interesting, balances benefits and costs, and makes things a little more challenging for the character.

 

p.12. OK, now this second pair of guards are saying exactly the same things as the first did about the tiles and getting them fixed - that grates with me. Could they be more concerned at the sound? Maybe have a different view on who's responsible? Something to avoid seeming repetitive and, again, easy.

 

I'm interested to see where this is going and the other applications of the magic - looking forward to the final instalment.

[Mandamon]

I'll second that holding in/letting sound waves go is a cool idea.  Very nice use of the magic system.

 

I also agree with Andyk that this section was too "easy."  I was originally going to say I didn't think enough happened, but I think Andyk's explanation gets more to the root of it.  We're faced with completely competent and mature protagonist, so there's nowhere for him to grow.

 

I wonder a little about the scope of the story.  It's maybe 16-20k in length, which puts it on the short side of a novelette.  Is there a reason you chose this length?  I think there's plenty here that could be expanded  into a larger story.  Much of the magic system isn't explored.  But on the other hand, I don't know if the writing is concise enough to work for a short story.

 

This leads back to the comment that there's not enough obstacles for the protagonist.  For a short story, you are focused on a particular instance, and can have appropriate roadblocks.  This reads more like a novel, with the setup of the protagonist, magic use, Cole, and then the theft.  You might actually have too much going on for the length of the story, and not enough time to develop enough conflict and character building to make the payoff worthwhile.

 

I'll stop rambling now...  Suffice to say I do like the writing and the story and I'm looking forward to the conclusion.  I'll wait until then to 

give my final assessment.

[Robinski]

Ok, I see that I'm going to echo what Andy and Mandamon have said, but I'm going to take WAY more words to do it (how like me, eh? Cackle).

 

One or two minor points on Chapter 5, but I enjoyed it overall. I like Protagonist’s conversation with the body of Rolondo, nice idea, maybe some polish on the actual dialogue. Similarly, I liked the byplay between Proto and Cole. I think my biggest concern is that the chapters are rather slight. There isn’t a great deal of substance or depth to them, Proto goes from A to B to C rather matter-of-factly, without much conflict. I'm sure you’ve got that covered, but I hope we’re building to a nice meaty try-fail before too long.

 

Chapter 6 got me thinking about the mechanics of things, detailed comments below. I like the chain of events fine, but there were some unconvincing elements for me (see below). I still like the way the story is going. Protagonist has a certain brash confidence about him which I like, but as I say, I'm looking forward to him encountering a reverse in fortune to see how he deals with it. Cole seems a bit too compliant. Maybe he’s just playing along and plans a double cross? I will need to keep reading to find out!

 

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Page 2 – One criminal killing another one sounds like justice to me.

 

Page 3 – ‘crime things’ sounds like something a child would say. Is Proto being ironic? I didn’t get that sense from the way he spoke.

 

Page 3 – I'm not convinced that Cole at least would permit their noses to touch, that’s a very personal gesture. I don’t think it’s consistent with their behaviour to date, Cole’s not certainly. I don’t really see that it’s necessary anyway, as nothing is made of it.

 

Page 5 – ‘Bastielle Estate, the twilight has faded...’ – it being a name, needs caps.

 

Page 5 – ‘...I saw you turn the lock myself.’ – He turns the key, not the look, presumably.

 

Page 5 – Considering he is faced with Lord Rolondo, the guard speaks very disrespectfully. I presume he hasn’t greeted other guests like that, so his behaviour seems out of place.

 

Page 6 – I'm not keen on ‘guest hall’ – perhaps Reception Hall or Banqueting Hall. (Ah, there it is.)

 

Page 6 – Again, the attendant speaks to Cole/Rolondo with a complete lack of respect and familiarity that can’t be consistent with their relative station in life, surely.

 

Page 7 – ‘As I was explaining to this poor girl, I'm afraid the lord has imbibed a portion of wine perhaps too generous for his own good.’ This is too complicated and flowery for my liking (and I like me some flowery dialogue, from time to time).

 

Page 8 – I think economy would make your dialogue more convincing, for example ‘I believe that we should be able to make ourself [sic] back to the party without any trouble once the lord has had the chance to recover his senses. ‘    VERSUS   ‘I'm sure we can find our way back when his lordship feels recovered.’

 

Page 8 – There are several repetitions of ‘guest hall’ towards the end of the page which sound cluttered, I think you could just say ‘hall’ by that point, as the reader knows what you’re referring to.

 

Page 8 – Not ‘peak’, but ‘peek’.

 

Page 8 – I'm a bit disoriented by Proto noting the risk of being seen – so this must be a different location from the one he just roped up?

 

Page 9 – I think ‘occupy me’ or ‘distract me’ would be better than ‘keep me company’, which sounds like something a child would need.

 

Page 9 – I'm not convinced with the guards’ dialogue, I think they are too well spoken and it’s rather maid-and-butler. A good tip is to say it out loud or even read it back and forth with a willing friend. I think you would quickly get a sense that it sounds rather am-dram – stilted even. Another trick is to listen to the work of some renowned dialogue specialists, like Tarantino, Joss Whedon or Aaron Sorkin, snappy, entertaining stuff. It’s not the content, I think your right to convey these things, good small talk for guards – it’s the way it comes across.

 

Page 10 – I had a P.O.V. moment here – can Proto see the guards (the hand on the shoulder)? They would need to be across the way surely, but if he can see them there’s a risk he would be visible.

 

Page 10 – The phrases ‘put a rag in it’ and ‘put a sock in it’, I think, are too similar. I think a simple ‘stuff it’ or ‘screw you’ would be less polite and more convincing.

 

Page 10 – But he’s not invisible really. I found myself doubting that the previous guards would have any better night vision than the new ones if they had a lantern sitting next to them – I'm not sure, maybe I'm over thinking that.

 

Page 11 – The description of the jump is quite long, certainly for the run up, which I though detracted from the immediacy of it. I think you could consider shortening that a bit. He runs up, plants his foot and pushes off – that’s really all that’s involved.

 

Page 11 – I take it the roof he lands on is flat – not impossible of course, but I tend to think of that as a modern abomination. Flat roofs can be fiendishly awkward to get cross-falls correct (workmanship-wise) for drainage, which is why most historical architecture features pitches roofs (unless you’re in a hot, dry climate). A flat roof is going to have water spending longer on it, so needs to be waterproof. This, for me, begs a question about technology level, which I'm not 100% on.

 

Page 11 – Another thought, if Proto can manipulate air, is it beyond him to trick with the density (for resistance) or temperature (for uplift) to assist his jump?

 

Page 12 – He tightens his grip on the air twice close together. Also, I don’t think a fully grown man concentrating his entire mass in his heels would take so many attempt to go through a pair of shutters, unless there is a fairly chunky bar behind them, which doesn’t seem likely on every window in the place.

 

Page 12 – How can he reach the loose roof tiles when he’s in the room? It seems to me that, for the rope to be long enough for him to swing against the shutter he would be out of reach of the roof. Tiles take me back to my earlier comment. This does not sound like a flat roof, so scratch what I said before, but my new comment is, how did he slide on the roof if it was pitched, and tiled?

 

Page 12 – I think your dialogue for the guards here is much better, snappier, less wordy and therefore more convincing.  Love the word ‘noggin’! Bit hobbity, possibly, but good.

 

Page 12 – I'm thinking now that his manipulation of air is more a manipulation of sound – this goes back to my earlier comment about him affecting density and temperature.

 

Page 13 – I think ‘are afforded the luxury of having a room of their own’.

 

Page 13 – Nice line about lock-picking, I like what you did there, easy if you can suppress the sound, I suppose.

 

Page 13 – ‘moons’ seems an unsophisticated word in this setting, do they not have months?

 

Page 13 – It seemed way too easy for him to find one phial in each of the first four rooms. Things never work out so conveniently in the real world. This then comes back to Suspension of Disbelief, which I’ve just listened to the podcast on as it happens (Season 6, Ep.14) – (Ha ha, that’s convenient – Ed.). Are there so many air adepts? It’s like Bastielle has a whole army of them. Why does he not encounter some other kind of adepts (which I think you said exist)? I think it would be more convincing for him to find just one phial – still a small chance though in the first room he goes into – maybe he searches four rooms before he finds one phial – just something to consider.