Jump to content

Robinski - 180723 - AK Dead Horse - Part 7 - 3285 words (L)


Robinski

Recommended Posts

Bon soir, mes amis,

Here is another episode of this fantasy novella of mine, the seventh to be precise, and we are getting on towards the endgame. Thus, I hope you find this more exciting, stimulating, pacy, etc., and that the stakes are ramping up.

Any and all comments gratefully received. You've done so much to get me to this point, and I am hoping your excellent observations will push me over the line so I can go back to the beginning again :D 

Kind regards, Robinski

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, definitely a more exciting entry! The stakes were not particularly high at the beginning of this section, but it got a lot tenser throughout. I thought the recital was very well done, but was confused about what happened at the end, and J's lack of reaction to his change. Also, am I forgetting that he has memory problems, or is that something new you've added?

My main issues were that we didn't get any information from J during the rampage. I would think he would have some reaction as to whether he known something is wrong, or is completely caught up in things.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 67: "Of course I had played to bigger crowds in the markets of H"
--I thought he hadn't played before in the story, then remembered him playing a little in the market, so I went back and looked. There's not a lot of concrete description of him playing, which may be why I was misremembering. Maybe some concrete audio or touch details would help out?

pg 68: "This was real..."
--This whole paragraph sets out the stakes, but they're just not very high. Basically, "I have to play an instrument and not think bad things about this guy." Not too much of a challenge.

pg 68: "I dismissed half immediately"
--took me a second read to figure out what he was talking about. Maybe "dismissed half of the songs immediately."

pg 69: "C and a need to make her proud, to show her that I could be relied upon."
--relied upon to...play an instrument? This goes with the stakes above. You're setting up the challenge as playing an instrument, not robbing a house.

pg 69: Re. the fake name: I looked back to see if this was the name he gave the kids, and discovered it was the name of one of the other gardeners, who I'd completely forgotten about. Maybe a note that he borrowed the name from X individual?

pg 69: "as if the holes in my memory "
--Wait, what? Did I miss something?

pg 70-72: The recital and J's inspiration to get a house tour is very good. I think this helps the plot along a lot and gets over the hiccup of getting away to steal the information.

pg 72: "The lady explained this or that painting"
--this is the mother, right, not the child?

pg 74: "At the same time, a wave of pain drenched my mind."
--is this memory thing new? I don't (ha) remember it.

pg 74: "A primal roar filled my throat and burst from me"
--okaaaaay....

pg 76: "I roared with abandon at putting my foe down"
--So I'm guessing this is something caused by the tiger bones, but there's a sort of hand-wavy bit because you aren't telling us J's thoughts on the matter. He hasn't given any indication this isn't a normal thing, or what he remembers.

pg 77: Well, that's an exciting ending, but I'm completely confused as to what happened!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am very very confused. 

The part with him playing was well done. I liked the blend of curiosity, the tension, especially around the salute to the king or whatever it was called. However, how he acted in the library totally baffled me. I am guessing there is some kind of curse or magic that was making him act that way, and I'll find out what in the next chapter, but if your intention to make readers wonder what the heck is going on, it worked. But it also pulled me out of the story. This is a hard one to really judge without more of what comes next. 

Some notes as I read:

"realized then as I clutched" I'm thinking this could be rearranged so the realization happens naturally without the narrator overtly telling the reader. It works with the voice as is, and if it were mid scene, I might not take issue, but as a chapter or scene opening, it feels a little too forced to draw me in. If others feel differently though, feel free to disregard this comment. 

I loved the juxtaposition between the servants stairs and the main house. 

"...there feet, but it was young..." Should be "their"

"...the adults was laughing..." adults were laughing

"the way the lady had gone" I was just confused as to why she was the target of his rage until it occurred to me he might be under some kind of spell. Or maybe it is a side effect of the tiger bones?  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 74: "A primal roar filled my throat and burst from me"
--okaaaaay....

I had the same reaction. 

 

4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 76: "I roared with abandon at putting my foe down"
--So I'm guessing this is something caused by the tiger bones, but there's a sort of hand-wavy bit because you aren't telling us J's thoughts on the matter. He hasn't given any indication this isn't a normal thing, or what he remembers.

@Mandamon names the problem a little clearer than I did. 

The narrator seems very aware of what he is doing -- the narration is coherent enough for him to be able to mentally react. Maybe either needs to be more a breakdown in his thought process, maybe a drastic change in voice? OR he needs to react somehow.  In the back of his mind realizing he is out of control and is powerless to stop it. The later, evoking a sense of powerlessness to control his own mind, could be intense in a good way. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thoughts As I Go: ‘Fancy Dan’ seems like an anachronistic term to be used. That aside, I’m kind of curious why your MC dismisses his ‘mournful’ songs (I don’t listen to lyrical music that often, but sad songs have always been my preferred genre). It’s also kind of funny how there are no children tunes mentioned (i.e. ‘Ring Around the Rosie’ etc.) though those have their own problem when played in a palace.

I enjoyed the actual music-playing scene, especially when Je decides to play the national anthem. Always nice to see a cool calculated risk.

And now I have no idea what’s going on. The fight is well-telegraphed, but I have no idea what’s happening to your main character.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Mand, thank you so much for reading, and for keeping me 'honest' :) 

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

Well, definitely a more exciting entry! The stakes were not particularly high at the beginning of this section, but it got a lot tenser throughout. I thought the recital was very well done

Excellent. See, I can do it when I set my mind to it.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

but was confused about what happened at the end, and J's lack of reaction to his change. Also, am I forgetting that he has memory problems, or is that something new you've added?

Yeah. I went a particular route with that section, and I'm not sure how it scans. Critiques will reveal all, but that's one in the 'needs a reaction' column.

Memory problems, yes. That theme is not very consistent or clear in this first draft. I need to refine that in the first edit.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

My main issues were that we didn't get any information from J during the rampage. I would think he would have some reaction as to whether he known something is wrong, or is completely caught up in things.

As noted above, I need to come down clearly on one side. I will review and respond.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

I thought he hadn't played before in the story, then remembered him playing a little in the market, so I went back and looked. There's not a lot of concrete description of him playing, which may be why I was misremembering. Maybe some concrete audio or touch details would help out?

Good point. I've gone back and put in some detail of him playing the market.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

"I dismissed half immediately"

Fixed, thanks.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

You're setting up the challenge as playing an instrument, not robbing a house.

Not my intention! I have adjusted.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

Maybe a note that he borrowed the name from X individual?

Fair comment. Done.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 69: "as if the holes in my memory "
--Wait, what? Did I miss something?

Might be WRS. I need to tidy up the whole memory thread in the edit. I have a note of that.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 70-72: The recital and J's inspiration to get a house tour is very good. I think this helps the plot along a lot and gets over the hiccup of getting away to steal the information.

Awesome. I thought it was worth spending the time on the recital for character purposes, and was fairly sure it would fit into and assist the plot (phew).

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 72: "The lady explained this or that painting"
--this is the mother, right, not the child?

Yes. I have clarified.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 74: "At the same time, a wave of pain drenched my mind."
--is this memory thing new? I don't (ha) remember it.

Lol. No. It will get a complete retread in the edit.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

So I'm guessing this is something caused by the tiger bones, but there's a sort of hand-wavy bit because you aren't telling us J's thoughts on the matter. He hasn't given any indication this isn't a normal thing, or what he remembers.

Good point. I was going to play out his analysis in the aftermath, but I appreciate that the lack of reaction to what's happening to him is bothering you. I'm going to reread it now rather than wait till the edit...

...And we're back. I think I've introduced some element of acknowledgement in J that something is not right. Perhaps not conscious, but something of a struggle. I think it's better, but maybe not quite right yet.

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 77: Well, that's an exciting ending, but I'm completely confused as to what happened!

Analysis to come in the aftermath :) 

Really great comments, thank you so much for reading.

<R>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I am very very confused.

Oops!! Sorry :unsure: 

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The part with him playing was well done. I liked the blend of curiosity, the tension, especially around the salute to the king or whatever it was called.

That bit does seem to work. Yay!

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

However, how he acted in the library totally baffled me. I am guessing there is some kind of curse or magic that was making him act that way, and I'll find out what in the next chapter, but if your intention to make readers wonder what the heck is going on, it worked. But it also pulled me out of the story. This is a hard one to really judge without more of what comes next. 

Fabulous. I will take that!! After @Mandamon's comments, I have introduced a bit more 'awareness' in J that something it wrong, but he just does not have the mental capacity/control/resources to examine it properly. As you say, the next scene is important to convincing the reader that the last section made sense. (No pressure then.) 

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"realized then as I clutched" I'm thinking this could be rearranged so the realization happens naturally without the narrator overtly telling the reader. It works with the voice as is, and if it were mid scene, I might not take issue, but as a chapter or scene opening, it feels a little too forced to draw me in. If others feel differently though, feel free to disregard this comment.

Spot on. I missed a trick there, but have edited to make this more immediate and urgent. Good call.

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I loved the juxtaposition between the servants stairs and the main house.

:D 

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"...the adults was laughing..." adults were laughing

Do you know, I'm going to debate with you here ;)   Since 'none' is a contraction of 'not one', I read the line as "Not one of the adults was laughing." So, I think 'were' incorrect here, imo.

On 25/07/2018 at 0:50 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

"the way the lady had gone" I was just confused as to why she was the target of his rage until it occurred to me he might be under some kind of spell. Or maybe it is a side effect of the tiger bones?  

Maybe indeed... :ph34r: 

Great comments, thank you so much. Definitely better now :D 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 25/07/2018 at 0:54 AM, shatteredsmooth said:
On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 74: "A primal roar filled my throat and burst from me"
--okaaaaay....

I had the same reaction. 

On 24/07/2018 at 8:39 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 76: "I roared with abandon at putting my foe down"
--So I'm guessing this is something caused by the tiger bones, but there's a sort of hand-wavy bit because you aren't telling us J's thoughts on the matter. He hasn't given any indication this isn't a normal thing, or what he remembers.

@Mandamon names the problem a little clearer than I did. 

The narrator seems very aware of what he is doing -- the narration is coherent enough for him to be able to mentally react. Maybe either needs to be more a breakdown in his thought process, maybe a drastic change in voice? OR he needs to react somehow.  In the back of his mind realizing he is out of control and is powerless to stop it. The later, evoking a sense of powerlessness to control his own mind, could be intense in a good way. 

Yeah, okay. 100% adverse reaction to this. I have now edited to try and 'hang a lantern' on some of this. It is confusing, and I was sort of going for that to some extent, but I don't want it to be 'this is dumb' confusing, but rather 'this is weird, I am going to read on to find out what's caused this' confusing. So, pressure on me to land this suitably at the start of the next section. Go me!! I can do this!!! :) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for reading, Aero.

On 25/07/2018 at 6:05 PM, aeromancer said:

Thoughts As I Go: ‘Fancy Dan’ seems like an anachronistic term to be used.

Yup, I've edited that. To me it feels anachronistic good (Is that like chaotic good?), but I've tweaked it. Thanks for calling it out.

On 25/07/2018 at 6:05 PM, aeromancer said:

That aside, I’m kind of curious why your MC dismisses his ‘mournful’ songs (I don’t listen to lyrical music that often, but sad songs have always been my preferred genre).

Well, he's there to make a good impression and play for an audience of children. He wants to entertain, not encourage people to examine their lives.

On 25/07/2018 at 6:05 PM, aeromancer said:

It’s also kind of funny how there are no children tunes mentioned (i.e. ‘Ring Around the Rosie’ etc.) though those have their own problem when played in a palace.

Mixed audience, so needs to entertain the adults too. Also, perhaps presumes that noble children are more sophisticated than young plebeians.

On 25/07/2018 at 6:05 PM, aeromancer said:

I enjoyed the actual music-playing scene, especially when Je decides to play the national anthem. Always nice to see a cool calculated risk.

Excellent. 3 for 3. I am pleased :) 

On 25/07/2018 at 6:05 PM, aeromancer said:

And now I have no idea what’s going on. The fight is well-telegraphed, but I have no idea what’s happening to your main character.

Aaaaand 3 for 3 on dissatisfaction with J's perspective in this scene. Thanks for calling that. It's edited now, as noted above, and hopefully better, but I'll tackle it again after the first edit then Beta read.

Great comments, thanks A. Much appreciated.

<R>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Since 'none' is a contraction of 'not one', I read the line as "Not one of the adults was laughing." So, I think 'were' incorrect here, imo.

If you had actually written "not one" I would agree. But None can mean "not one" or "not any" 

Not one adult was laughing. Not any of the adults were laughing. 

Whether was or were is correct, I actually think "None of the adults laughed" is an option too. I've gotten criticized by editors from using was -ing verb too much in my own writing, though I think it does work in the context of the scene.  

And now I'm sitting at my lap top, drinking tea, laughing out loud because I am arguing about the usage of one word. Me, a person who used to claim grammar is overrated and is horrible at self editing. If I new how to put GIF's in these posts, there would be a facepalm.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I actually think "None of the adults laughed" is an option too.

That would be the diplomatic solution - let's use that :lol: 

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

And now I'm sitting at my lap top, drinking tea, laughing out loud because I am arguing about the usage of one word.

I am drinking tea too! Do you have cake? I have cake. Lemon drizzle: blaeaeahh... (that noise that Homer Simpson makes).

As far as the grammar goes, I'm not that keen on "Not any of the adults were laughing.", but we have a solution so I'm happy to move on. 

(And continue to believe I was right all along: mua-hahaha!)

Edited by Robinski
Link to comment
Share on other sites

ACK! Here we are again

General

I thought this segment went a bit slow. The entry could be cut, I think, to the 'what's your name' line, and I'm not sure about the murderous rage at all. I think this section needs some tightening. It has reasonable bones, but the meat might need some trimming. I did really enjoy the recital!

On 7/24/2018 at 4:54 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

@Mandamon names the problem a little clearer than I did. 

Agreed.

As I go

- I think this chapter should start at the 'what's your name' line. The stuff before just slows down the building tension

- page 74: can the lady not tell that he is just spewing nonsense and flattering her to get a look at her library? He seems super transparent to me

- ehh? The murderous rampage from the headache seems... a lot. For a headache. I'm having a hard time suspending my disbelief here

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yay, thank you for reading, Kais.

6 hours ago, kais said:

I thought this segment went a bit slow. The entry could be cut, I think, to the 'what's your name' line, and I'm not sure about the murderous rage at all. I think this section needs some tightening. It has reasonable bones, but the meat might need some trimming.

No doubt, no doubt. I shall attack it again in the edit.

6 hours ago, kais said:

- I think this chapter should start at the 'what's your name' line. The stuff before just slows down the building tension

Hmm. I'll aim to up the tension, but also weed out what can. I do take your point.

6 hours ago, kais said:

I did really enjoy the recital!

This is happy news: that part seems to have universal approval. It bodes well for a continuing series of novellas in this setting, which is what is was aiming for. I'll go back and strengthen slightly this thread of J as minstrel/bard.

6 hours ago, kais said:

- page 74: can the lady not tell that he is just spewing nonsense and flattering her to get a look at her library? He seems super transparent to me

Maybe. I thought that him playing on her vanity/pride (once she had hinted at it) would cover that. I'll look at refining it in the edit.

6 hours ago, kais said:

- ehh? The murderous rampage from the headache seems... a lot. For a headache. I'm having a hard time suspending my disbelief here

I'm going to call first draft here, and mark it for refinement in the edit. I've been discovery writing--largely--for the last several parts around a fairly thin skeleton of a plan, but by the later sections, other then certain touch point, I don't have particular events or an ending in mind.

Great comments. Thank you so much.

:) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...