Ashspren

Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

2,477 posts in this topic

Very nicely done on the Roast kingsdaughter

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6 minutes ago, Bejardin1250 said:

Very nicely done on the Roast kingsdaughter

Thank you! I’ve been exhausted all week, so I’m just glad I got it done.

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On 3/19/2021 at 9:05 AM, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Are we allowed to vote for ourselves this time?

Sorry I wasn’t on to answer, I’ve been super busy. No you are not.

Anyways, we have our winner! @BreezeCauthon as Wit has overthrown @Kingsdaughter613 as Thaidakar! Congrats Breeze and thanks for playing Kings.

The next round will be @Shard of Reading as Wayne against @yeshevishman as Adolin. Wednesday at 10 AM CST is your due date. Good luck!

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2 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Sorry I wasn’t on to answer, I’ve been super busy. No you are not.

Anyways, we have our winner! @BreezeCauthon as Wit has overthrown @Kingsdaughter613 as Thaidakar! Congrats Breeze and thanks for playing Kings.

Er... I (arguably naturally) assumed that since it was a 1v1, and there was no direction otherwise, self-votes would be allowed, and so voted for myself. Which... appears to have been a mistake. Meaning it was a 2-2 tie.

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3 minutes ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Er... I (arguably naturally) assumed that since it was a 1v1, and there was no direction otherwise, self-votes would be allowed, and so voted for myself. Which... appears to have been a mistake. Meaning it was a 2-2 tie.

Humph. So first Wit lies in his roast, then he cheats in the voting? I call foul.

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Posted (edited)

6 hours ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Er... I (arguably naturally) assumed that since it was a 1v1, and there was no direction otherwise, self-votes would be allowed, and so voted for myself. Which... appears to have been a mistake. Meaning it was a 2-2 tie.

Well in that case, you two get 48 hours to write a mini roast! @Kingsdaughter613

Edited by Ghanderflaffle
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Posted (edited)

30 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Well in that case, you two get 48 hours to write a mini roast! @Kingsdaughter613

@Bejardin1250 is correct: I will not have time to do the roast while preparing for Pesach.

Edited by Kingsdaughter613
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25 minutes ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

@Bejardin1250 is correct: I will not have time to do the roast while preparing for Pesach.

This is something I can’t really push off that far. I suppose I could leave the voting open for an extra couple days and see if anything changes.

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Posted (edited)

14 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

This is something I can’t really push off that far. I suppose I could leave the voting open for an extra couple days and see if anything changes.

Worst comes to worst, we could just leave it a tie.

EDIT:
Well, actually, worst comes to the very worst, I could yield since it was, after all, I who messed stuff up.

Edited by BreezeCauthon
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On 3/19/2021 at 8:58 AM, Ghanderflaffle said:

Here is your link!  Well done to both of you!

Well it looks like somebody else voted, but I’ll leave it open for one more day. This is still the link. 

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On 3/21/2021 at 8:41 AM, Ghanderflaffle said:

Sorry I wasn’t on to answer, I’ve been super busy. No you are not.

Anyways, we have our winner! @BreezeCauthon as Wit has overthrown @Kingsdaughter613 as Thaidakar! Congrats Breeze and thanks for playing Kings.

The next round will be @Shard of Reading as Wayne against @yeshevishman as Adolin. Wednesday at 10 AM CST is your due date. Good luck!

Sorry for the double post, but due to new votes, this post is still valid! So congrats to @BreezeCauthon.

@Shard of Reading and @yeshevishman your roasts are now due Sunday morning at 8 AM CST (You get some extra hours, I wouldn’t be able to check Saturday night as I’ll be at prom.)

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12 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

(You get some extra hours, I wouldn’t be able to check Saturday night as I’ll be at prom.)

I don't need that long. :P

Spoiler

*Wayne puts on a fake mustache and speaks in a stuffy british accent*

Salutations my good friends, and bitter rivals

I am here to explain to you why Adolin is very clearly inferior to me.

*He removes the mustache and shifts to his normal accent*

In a world of special people, all he would score on the credits is shallans husband

He’s constantly overshadowed by her achievements.

Despite being the best swordsman in the planet he can’t even take a squire.

Now, me?

I’m the best. There is no question about that.

While it might be true that I can’t use guns, I still can fight people who can.

You have a shardblade, and can’t beat people who have one as well!

I think it’s clear who is the victor here.

*Someone shouts from the audience: Hey that makes no sense!*

*Wayne turns to that person*

I can get away with that, I bought a charm against logic from a traveling fortune teller, it allows me to add 2 and 2 and get a pickle.

*Someone else shouts: Hey! You can’t reuse jokes! That’s against brandon’s 4th rule of magic!*

*Wayne turns to them*

And you can’t break the fourth wall! Do you have any idea what you have done!?!?!?!

*The ground begins to shake, and a terrible golden light shines from the heavens.*

*Wayne glances up*

Hey, since when has this ceiling been glass?

*A loud majestic voice proclaims: Since I decided it was*

Well, god go stand aside., I’m in the middle of roasting this spoiled momma’s boy over here.

*God proclaims: I’m sorry I can’t allow that. By breaking the 4th wall you have destroyed the integrity of this universe. I’m sorry but I must destroy everything now.

*Darkness*

*Adolin floats quietly trying to find his bearings.*

*Someone slaps him on the back of the head*

*Ow! What was that for?*

*Wayne grins*

I’m still better than you.

.....What on earth was that. I had no idea I would destroy the world when I started writing this. Most of it isn't even roasting! But, let's be fair I don't think wayne would really do much roasting.... Or I guess he would. Wayne's weird.

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On 3/25/2021 at 10:01 AM, Shard of Reading said:

I don't need that long. :P

  Hide contents

*Wayne puts on a fake mustache and speaks in a stuffy british accent*

Salutations my good friends, and bitter rivals

I am here to explain to you why Adolin is very clearly inferior to me.

*He removes the mustache and shifts to his normal accent*

In a world of special people, all he would score on the credits is shallans husband

He’s constantly overshadowed by her achievements.

Despite being the best swordsman in the planet he can’t even take a squire.

Now, me?

I’m the best. There is no question about that.

While it might be true that I can’t use guns, I still can fight people who can.

You have a shardblade, and can’t beat people who have one as well!

I think it’s clear who is the victor here.

*Someone shouts from the audience: Hey that makes no sense!*

*Wayne turns to that person*

I can get away with that, I bought a charm against logic from a traveling fortune teller, it allows me to add 2 and 2 and get a pickle.

*Someone else shouts: Hey! You can’t reuse jokes! That’s against brandon’s 4th rule of magic!*

*Wayne turns to them*

And you can’t break the fourth wall! Do you have any idea what you have done!?!?!?!

*The ground begins to shake, and a terrible golden light shines from the heavens.*

*Wayne glances up*

Hey, since when has this ceiling been glass?

*A loud majestic voice proclaims: Since I decided it was*

Well, god go stand aside., I’m in the middle of roasting this spoiled momma’s boy over here.

*God proclaims: I’m sorry I can’t allow that. By breaking the 4th wall you have destroyed the integrity of this universe. I’m sorry but I must destroy everything now.

*Darkness*

*Adolin floats quietly trying to find his bearings.*

*Someone slaps him on the back of the head*

*Ow! What was that for?*

*Wayne grins*

I’m still better than you.

.....What on earth was that. I had no idea I would destroy the world when I started writing this. Most of it isn't even roasting! But, let's be fair I don't think wayne would really do much roasting.... Or I guess he would. Wayne's weird.

Either way, you win! @yeshevishman has been offline for over a week, so we’re going to move on.

Our score is now 2-2 with four competitors remaining! Semifinals will start off with @Random Bystander as Nightblood against @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt! You have until Wednesday at 5 PM CST! Good luck!

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On 3/28/2021 at 5:34 PM, Ghanderflaffle said:

Either way, you win! @yeshevishman has been offline for over a week, so we’re going to move on.

Our score is now 2-2 with four competitors remaining! Semifinals will start off with @Random Bystander as Nightblood against @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Felt! You have until Wednesday at 5 PM CST! Good luck!

He’s been offline likely due to Passover prep.

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1 hour ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

He’s been offline likely due to Passover prep.

He never contacted me and I can’t keep track of everyone’s schedules. There’s not much I can do about it.

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5 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

He never contacted me and I can’t keep track of everyone’s schedules. There’s not much I can do about it.

I wasn’t suggesting you should. I just thought you might like to know why he hasn’t been around.

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Posted (edited)

Well, well, all the hearts doth melt as the mustachioed svelt, world-hopping Felt strolls in to say heartfelt words bout the hand he has been dealt. 

Looking over at the scabbarded sword sharing the stage with him, Felt just shakes his head, and like Thom Merrilin, blows out his mustaches (cuz why not). 

(Roast Spoilered below) 

Spoiler

Hey there everybody, thanks for coming to see
The world's dumbest sword get bested by me. 

Yo that bro is leaking black,
Sucking up everything like a wet dry vac. 

It was rasher of Vasher to make you live
Than finding a bunch of little pukes some nukes to give

You're just a baby with the power to destroy
That terrifies me cuz the Cosmere ain't a toy. 

But enough about Nimi, let's talk about me
I'm the dashing fella that you came to see

I took the Call to Adventure, and starting spying for house Venture, and one thing that has always been sure

Is that Felt will finish first, so bring your worst, your bubble will be burst, my life is Art like a Damien Hearst, never pre-rehearsed you will be unversed by my... Well you get the idea. 

Now for the final round, you're going to hear the sound, of metal hittin' the ground. 

I can't believe I'm roasting a sword,
Listening to Nightblood I'm totally bored.
But that voice in my head just can't be ignored. 

When you test for evil, you glutton of breath,
You wanna know why some people really meet their death? 

Instead of being blabbered at
they'd rather take the scabbard that
can stop your voice from speaking in their head,
small price to pay that they'll have to be dead. 

Just have to say, if it goes this way, with no roast by @Random Bystander today, that it's not Felt's fault he keeps winning by default. 

Edited by Hoiditthroughthegrapevine
Fixed formatting (was on mobile before)
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4 hours ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Well, well, all the hearts doth melt as the mustachioed svelt, world-hopping Felt strolls in to say heartfelt words bout the hand he has been dealt. 

Looking over at the scabbarded sword sharing the stage with him, Felt just shakes his head, and like Thom Merrilin, blows out his mustaches (cuz why not). 

(Roast Spoilered below) 

  Reveal hidden contents

Hey there everybody, thanks for coming to see

The world's dumbest sword get bested by me. 

Yo that bro is leaking black, 

Sucking up everything like a wet dry vac. 

It was rasher of Vasher to make you live

Than finding a bunch of little pukes some nukes to give

You're just a baby with the power to destroy

That terrifies me cuz the Cosmere ain't a toy. 

But enough about Nimi, let's talk about me

I'm the dashing fella that you came to see

I took the Call to Adventure, and starting spying for house Venture, and one thing that has always been sure

Is that Felt will finish first, so bring your worst, your bubble will be burst, my life is Art like a Damien Hearst, never pre-rehearsed you will be unversed by my... Well you get the idea. 

Now for the final round, you're going to hear the sound, of metal hittin' the ground. 

I can't believe I'm roasting a sword, 

Listening to Nightblood I'm totally bored. 

But that voice in my head just can't be ignored. 

When you test for evil, you glutton of breath, 

You wanna know why some people really meet their death? 

Instead of being blabbered at they'd rather take the scabbard that

can stop your voice from speaking in their head, small price to pay that they'll have to be dead. 

Just have to say, if it goes this way, with no roast by @Random Bystander today, that it's not Felt's fault he keeps winning by default. 

Wait, what? I somehow didn't know I was competing this round. Dang it. Anyway, your roast was good! :)

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5 minutes ago, Random Bystander said:

Wait, what? I somehow didn't know I was competing this round. Dang it. Anyway, your roast was good! :)

I'm pretty sure you still have time. 

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Just now, The Unknown Order said:

I'm pretty sure you still have time. 

I won't have time to write a roast. I have 30 minutes.

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3 hours ago, Random Bystander said:

I won't have time to write a roast. I have 30 minutes.

If @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine is ok with it, I’ll give you an extra day. We’ve had enough people drop out that I’m comfortable giving you an extra day since you’ve been on.

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2 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

If @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine is ok with it, I’ll give you an extra day. We’ve had enough people drop out that I’m comfortable giving you an extra day since you’ve been on.

Sure thing, thanks Ghander!

@Random Bystander could have two days if they need it as far as I'm concerned.

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The moment you realize you were supposed to turn in a roast but never did, even though you had one written.

Spoiler

Hiya Felt!

I guess I’ll just play

This hand I’ve been dealt.

Reading your roast made me laugh,

(FYI, you need to download spell check*.)

Yo! No one wants your autograph!

Why would anyone come to see you?

You only showed up in selective scenes.

I think your logic needs a review...

 

Infact, I’d be surprised if you showed up again,

I legitimately forgot you existed**.

You’re a third class journeyman.

You’re nothing compared to other worldhoppers,

Like Hoid, Khriss, Galadon, Vasher…

And me of course, unlike you I’m not a squatter. 

Now enough about you,

Of whom very little is known.

I can’t really talk about information that’s unknown.

 

So Felt, I have some concerns with your roast.

You say I’m the dumbest sword?

Well, I don’t mean to boast,

But I’m as smart as the average human!

And how can I be a baby?

I may be someone who seems to ruin,

But seriously, Felt, I’m way older than you.

We both know I’m much cooler than you are,

And I think most Cosmere fans would agree here, too.

 

*It's in there

**This is completely true. I forgot that Felt existed. 

 

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